Chapter Text
The first few months after the confession happened in Han river, Lisa realized that being in a relationship was not as easy as it seemed to be. Yeah, they like each other, a lot, but they still had to navigate unfamiliar ways with each other.
The thing was, Lisa isn't a person to easily cave in—doesn't matter if she's with the person she likes the most. She had walls built around herself, that sometimes it closes in on her. Though Lisa is a rather lovely and whimsical person there were still pieces of resentment and loneliness in her that sparks a fire in the bridges she builds with the people surrounding her, even Jennie.
Lisa couldn't deny herself that she's scared, terrified even, about the journey of love she's taking with Jennie. Lisa's past experiences and even her childhood must've affected the way she feels about love itself.
Growing up she never really got to grasp what love's supposed to feel like, or what it's supposed to be; with her mother, though she knew the woman loved her very much, it's just hard to decipher it when she didn't even experience it growing up. Then her father, well he was mostly absent, he's there but most of the time Lisa can't really even feel his presence. Lisa thinks he's more like a ghost to her than a parent, and she feels guilty for even thinking of that, but how could she not when she's always been alone whenever she goes home. And with friends—she never really had that many, but they were enough— they did care for her, but that was somehow different than what she and Jennie have.
She was scared of giving again, only to end up having nothing at all.
And Jennie, it's her first time to like someone this much, that it overwhelms her to the point she doesn't know what to do with it. And knowing Jennie, she would always find ways and answers to questions and puzzles just to get what she wants, it's what she's been doing her whole life—figuring things out then getting good at it, so good at it that people get amazed by her. Unfortunately, in loving Lisa, that wasn't the case.
Jennie's the type to give her all into something she really wants and expects to get something in return after all those hard work, but when it comes to Lisa... it doesn't usually happen like that most of the time. She's not disappointed, to say the least, she's more of sad that sometimes Lisa doesn't put in the effort in their relationship the way she does. But they still have a lot to go and Jennie's willing to go through all of that with her.
So, they had to pick up the puzzle pieces again and take their time in putting it all together to create a picture of what their relationship would be.
It's a challenge for both of them, that's for sure. But they want to try. They really want to try, because they have faith that what they have right now could be something worth it in the future and they wouldn't want to give up that chance because of petty reasons.
love has its own language. One we'd never understand, or one we'd fully decipher.
Lisa's the first one to say 'I love you', much to Jennie's surprise.
They were at a newly opened ramen food chain near their dorm building, it only takes about a 10-minute walk to get there from their building. Lisa had eaten here before when she and Jisoo were looking for a place to hang out in that one time where Lisa's classes were canceled and Jisoo's schedule was free. The ramen tasted really good that Lisa took a note to take Jennie here some other time when they're both not busy.
Her right hand was holding the chopsticks loosely that the noodles could slip out of its grasp any moment, while her other hand was resting on her lap, clammy and sweaty that she wipes it on the fabric of her jeans every chance she gets when she feels a tiny bit of moisture.
The world opened up before her, in a new light it seems. Lisa remembers how the days used to be overcast and bleak, always overshadowing the warm light, but now, when she looks at Jennie, the gloomy and gray clouds were now clearing and the sun was now etching itself in the sky, cleaving the storm that used to haunt her.
For a moment, Lisa couldn't believe that Jennie's right in front of her.
Lisa's still bewildered and taken aback that Jennie chose her, out of all people. She knows she hasn't been the best partner, but she tries, she tries the hardest she's ever been for someone. Jennie's worth it, Lisa's certain. She's certain that it wouldn't be a waste when she gives a piece of her to Jennie.
Sometimes Lisa gets it--love, she thinks. Whenever she sees Jennie's face and feels her presence, she thinks about puzzle pieces fitting together. And she remembers the movies she watched about sweeping romances and how the characters in it risk everything they have just for the sake of a person. It was sweet and gentle, and Lisa now realized that she doesn't have to be terrified anymore.
Jennie looks up from her bowl, she was busy blowing on the hot and freshly served noodles but Lisa's gaze seemed to burn her skin more than the noodles itself. Lisa's face was smooth and serene, the tension that was usually but discreetly in her expression was washed away; her whimsical and teasing smirk that Jennie finds cute yet annoying most of the time was absent. But rather, her smile was content like she had everything in the world figured out, and perhaps, Lisa did; and there was something about her kind gaze taking on a far-away journey like she was lost but it didn't bother her.
Jennie silently wished Lisa would stop staring at her with such wonder as if she was someone of immeasurable value. Not because it makes her uncomfortable, but it scares her because no matter how she doesn't want to think about it, a pessimistic thought occasionally occurs in her head about the thought of the future, the thought of them letting go, and how much the separation would scar the both of them.
Lisa continued to gaze at her, or maybe through her. Then the silence started to grow increasingly unbearable
"Are you constipated?" Jennie asks her, not loud enough for the other customers to hear. "you haven't taken a bite of your ramen." she tries to break the quiet atmosphere that makes her jittery for some reason.
Lisa's kicked out of her train of thoughts, blinking rapidly the moment she gained her consciousness back. "oh...no,no." she stammers, her words getting clumsy all of a sudden. "I was just...j-just thinking. I'm fine, don't worry." she smiles nervously.
Jennie only stares at her, totally unconvinced. her gaze scrutinizing Lisa's composure and she knows there's something bothering her girlfriend.
"okay..." she drawls on her words and quietly goes back to her noodles to avoid the obvious angst in the air that's there for some reason.
"uhm, Jennie..." Lisa gulps a little too loudly. She curses herself for feeling too nervous. It's just Jennie in front of her, she knows there's no reason to feel like her gall bladder is about to explode at any moment.
Jennie feels fear seep into her veins. Sometimes being realistic is the trait she hates about herself, it makes the smallest things seem tougher than they usually are.
Maybe she took me here to break up with me... is the first thought that materialized in her brain.
"so, uh... I have come to a realization t-that...uhm," Lisa's words continue to trip and fall in her tongue. Jennie feels her grasp on the chopstick tighten, already expecting for the worst to come. "yeah, so..I have come to a realization that I'm not tired of you," Lisa breathes out, cheering herself that she's doing a good job so far.
Jennie repeatedly blinks her eyes, shocked yet relieved at Lisa's confession.
"that I don't want w-what we have to end," Lisa confesses. "I want t-to keep trying for you, and for us. Because..." she swallows all the anxiety and uneasiness first before spitting out those three words.
Jennie continues to listen carefully, she breathes out a relieved sigh when Lisa's not planning to break up with her. She continues to wonder where this conversation will go.
"Because?" Jennie hums, as she munches on the soft and flavorful noodles, encouraging Lisa to continue.
Lisa exhales evenly, a flicker of certainty sparking in her eyes, and a lop-sided grin tweaking her lips. "because...I love you."
Jennie stops chewing her food for what feels like forever when she hears those words she's been wanting to hear. It kept ringing in her ear, it was the only sound she could hear, the background noise from the food place was nothing but a faint echo of nothingness. She feels tears burning the back of her eyes and she inevitably cries.
"oh no!" Lisa shrieks when she sees her girlfriend full-on sobbing while there's still noodles in her mouth, she's afraid it might choke her. "fuck..." she hisses under her breath, quickly standing up to sit beside Jennie.
"Did I do something wrong?" she softly asks as she gently pats Jennie's back. Concern starts to wrap Lisa's body.
Jennie shakes her head no. She swallows the food that's still in her mouth first and wipes the tears in her eyes with the tissue just across from her. "no, no. The noodles were just hot." she reasons instead, she didn't want to appear like a hopeless romantic in front of Lisa.
"really?"
"of course, not!" Jennie suddenly hisses, her emotions are a fucking mess. She wipes her eyes, and continues to get a grasp of her composure. Lisa jumps a little, startled at the sudden rise of Jennie's voice. She doesn't get her girlfriend sometimes.
"then why?"
"Because I love you, too, you idiot. And I can't believe you're the first one to say that, I always thought that you'd need more time to say it to me. Or worst-case scenario, you'll get tired of me." Jennie explains as she cries. "and I've been scared to say it to you because I thought you'll never say it back." Jennie sobs, not giving a damn if she's crying in public.
"you love me, too?" Lisa asks, that's the only thing she heard and makes sense of.
"yes, you idiot!" Jennie flicks the latter's forehead before she pulls her into a tight hug.
The night ended with Jennie being too clingy.
It'll be a few years from now when each detail of the other's face have engraved in their minds, and they have already mapped one another's bodies like constellations. Lisa and Jennie made a lot of memorable memories through those years, but sometimes Jennie finds herself zoning out with a smile on her face when the memories of how their story first began roll like a movie in her head. She remembers how long it took her to finally touch Lisa without the girl's edges and her own colliding with each other's skin. Jennie loves her still, as she always have, like no time has passed at all.
"I think you'd be a great mom," Lisa says, helping Jennie make their breakfast. It's Lisa's last year in college. When Jennie graduated, she and Lisa saved up for a small yet cozy apartment and moved out of the college dorms.
"Really?" Jennie questions sincerely surprised at the statement. Putting the omelet and toasted butter bread on their plates. Lisa takes both plates in her hands and puts in on the small dining table they have.
"I always thought I'd be bad at that..." Jennie releases a dry chuckle, hiding the insecurity and fear in her voice. "what if I become like my own parents?" Jennie confesses.
"Trust me, you won't," Lisa tells her full of certainty, sitting across from Jennie and never able to take her eyes away from her beloved.
"Oh yeah?" Jennie questions, can't help the growing smile on her face.
"Yeah. Who knew the renowned fierce and perfectionist Jennie Kim would turn out to be a softie." Lisa chuckles, taking Jennie's hand and places a sweet kiss on her lover's knuckles. Jennie sighs in content, she wouldn't mind getting used to this feeling for a long time.
"You know I always wanted a little girl," Lisa opens up, it sounds like a secret she kept for a while now. "I want to name her after mom. And give her all the love my mom wanted to give me if she were alive."
"Do you want that with me?" Jennie asks. Lisa feels her heartache at the insecurity and anxiety in Jennie's words. She always wondered why Jennie had doubted herself when it comes to these kinds of things. Time and time again Jennie had always proved herself to be a great partner and overall an amazing person, Lisa had always wanted her to see that.
"I wouldn't want anything else." Lisa says. Sealing her words as she interweaves her and Jennie's pinkies together.
"When you came, suddenly..." Jennie pauses to look at Lisa's kind gaze. She smiles at the sight. "I never felt so sure of anything and everything."
"Our little Ella." Jennie hums, loud enough for both of them to hear.
Lisa beams, "Yeah...I'd love that."
And perhaps all beautiful things can be a little tragic.
"I fought for you, Lisa!" Jennie shouts at her, her words are supposed to be angry but instead, they are trembling. "I fought for you for 5 years. You know how much it was hard for me to lose my parents because of what we have. But I gave that up for you." she shoves the taller girl a little too harsh, the boiling anger she feels for the person she loves burns her skin to her very bones.
"I didn't want to be a hindrance to your dream of becoming a successful fashion designer. You're given a chance to fly to Paris by a well-known fashion company. You can learn so much from there, why wouldn't you want that?" Lisa reasons out, her voice not as angry as Jennie's but it's just as trembling as hers, but it's steeled and firm. "I always wanted you to live for yourself. Because, back then that was something you always wanted. Who am I to stop you from becoming who you worked hard to be?"
"But I want to be with you, Lisa!" Jennie sobs.
"But you have your own dreams for yourself, Jennie." Lisa raises her voice, scolding Jennie and hoping it would knock some sense to her. "I just can't do that to you...I just can't." her words trailed off.
"you can't just make your own decisions for me," Jennie says, already giving up. The first time she gave up on their relationship for 5 years.
"I thought you were different," she says, an edge in her tone now, something that sounded a little like fear. "turns out, you're just like everybody else."
Lisa watched her go, she finds herself wishing to be braver, to make a run for Jennie, and asked her to come back and fix everything that had happened. But she couldn't, and she wouldn't. And Lisa had no idea why, or perhaps she does.
Lisa believed that love isn't possession and no matter how much she wants Jennie to stay she just couldn't risk Jennie abandoning that only dream she has for herself—the dream that her parents didn't decide for her, the dream that people didn't expect from her—just for the sake of staying with her.
What they had was everything all at once, and then, inconceivably, it was over. Jennie pulled away and Lisa stayed wondering if she'll ever come back in the future. Wondering if they can fix what they had broken and abandoned.
Lisa tried to reach out to Jennie, in hopes of talking about what happened between them and in hopes of fixing it.
But Jennie never responded to any of her texts or her calls. Her number must've been blocked or she already bought a new phone.
On the other side of the world, in Paris, France. Jennie only stares at her ringing phone just across from her, the notifications from her phone kept popping up but all she could do is stare. She just couldn't talk to Lisa. Still scarred and angry of what the latter had done, of what had happened to their relationship that she treated as a haven.
Jennie likes to think to she's not losing anything. She absolutely had nothing to lose anymore, now that Lisa—who she treated as her everything— already broke up with her... but that wasn't quite the truth.
Jennie feels something stirring, churning, in the cavern of her heart. Feels something materializing in the recesses of her mind; she could see her beloved's kind gaze and charming smile, the warm sunlight beaming through the windows makes her features look softer than they already are. She could hear the sound of their laughter ringing in her ear, she missed those days when Lisa made her roar with laughter and bliss. She could taste the strawberry chapstick on her beloved's lips. Remembers her body pressed against Lisa's own, remembers how she felt safe under the blankets in the cold of the night with her legs tangled with Lisa's own.
She suddenly feels the burning tears blistering the back of her eyes. She loathed the memories, loathed how she drowns in the bitterness of it all.
the thing is, small moments aren't just small. They connect the dots in your memories and build the big picture. Sometimes, it even becomes everything.
It's been 2 years since they broke it off. 2 years since Jennie hasn't seen her, haven't touched her, haven't heard her. And yet, she still feels her most of the time. Even if it isn't direct, even if it's just a whiff, it's a feeling that is so present that she couldn't ignore it even if she tried. Sometimes that almost feels enough, but most of the time it doesn't.
She's going to come back to Korea for a month or so from now, and the thought of her doesn't help Jennie one bit. So she finds herself in a crowded bar, wanting to drink away the sober thoughts she still has of Lisa.
She's known Lisa for what felt like forever. Jennie could hardly remember not knowing her. It became too hard to remember the days before Lisa.
For 2 years and she still finds herself six feet deep for the person she loved the most.
So, when a guy that has kind eyes, a lop-sided yet charming smile, and a warm and welcoming presence that looked too much like Lisa's came to talk to her, she couldn't help herself but let him in even for a fleeting moment. She wanted to feel her so bad that she imagined him as her, hoping it could fill the big void Lisa left in the cavern of her chest.
She wanted to be okay. She wanted to contain this feeling, this rot inside of her, but it seemed like she couldn't hold it a little bit longer.
She wanted Lisa. She wanted Lisa back so much.
When Jennie comes back to Korea this isn't something she expected.
She just exited a clinic after a check-up, and turns out she's been about 4 weeks pregnant.
...So that explains the sudden change and the pain her body's been experiencing the past weeks.
The news haunts her. she doesn't know what to feel. Her parents wouldn't be happy when they hear this news, she disappointed them enough she couldn't bear another word that would anchor her down. Then she suddenly thinks about Lisa out of nowhere, and she wonders how she'll react, how she would take it. Even after their separation she still thinks about Lisa's opinions and reactions, after all, her words always have mattered to Jennie.
She goes to a mall after she left the clinic. Jennie wanted to look at the baby stuff in the department store. She hoped that looking at those things could at least help her feel at ease.
Then after 2 years, she meets her beloved once again.
***
Lisa asks her for coffee and without much doubt, she said yes. Now they're both sitting across from one another, an awkward and uneasy silence lingers in their atmosphere.
for some reason, Jennie felt small under Lisa's kind gaze. She felt sad, dirty, and small, the holy trinity she thinks. It's not the kind of dirt that you could scrub or wash away and feel clean after. It was a dirty feeling that felt deeper, the dirt that you could feel under your skin. The kind of dirt that's felt rather than seen.
Jennie finds it absurd to feel the way she feels because Lisa's eyes are laced with kindness and softness in them, Jennie couldn't even see a minuscule of judgement in the girl's eyes. Perhaps, her uneasiness, and somehow, her guilt, could be explained by the fact that the love of her life saw her again but like this.
"I'm sorry..." Lisa apologizes all of a sudden, dipping her head down. "for hurting you. Even if I promised that I wouldn't do such thing."
"Lisa..." her name slipped out of Jennie's lips easily. She looked up at the girl, surprised that she said sorry, when Jennie feels like she should be the one who's sorry.
"I'm sorry, for letting you go easily when you fought so hard for me." Lisa's voice starts to quiver. "I'm sorry for not finding the reason to stay, and just deciding what I thought was best for you."
"It's okay... it's fine." Jennie assures the latter, placing her hand above Lisa's own. "that was kind of a long time ago..."
Then silence once again.
"No..." Lisa silently sobs. "No it's not. And I wanted to make up for it now that you're finally here."
Jennie softens at this.
"I feel like I'm asking too much but, I want you back. I want you to come back as anything you want to be, a friend, a lover, or an acquaintance even. It doesn't matter." The Thai says, almost pleading. 2 years without Jennie made her realize that she's the only person she could love this much. Lisa just wants her back, a friend or a lover, it doesn't matter anymore, she just wants Jennie in the picture.
"But if you don't want me anymore..." Lisa takes in a deep breath, something about her next words seemed heavy to say. "then I'll let you go."
Silence surrounded them, it wasn't awkward or unbearable, it's just silence that lets them take a breather and a moment to choose.
Jennie looks at Lisa, and she couldn't see anything but the future she has always seen even way before in the glint of her beloved's eyes.
Jennie knew her answer.
"You idiot," Jennie mumbles, her tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "You don't know how much you've hurt me." She says as she punches Lisa on the forearm, she thinks that Lisa deserved that after the things she went through because of her.
"But even after all that, it's still you..."
"Welcome to my world!" Lisa announces as soon as she opens the door of her apartment, an arm around Jennie's shoulders and a big and proud gesture at the inside of her own home.
Lisa lets Jennie in easily, without a doubt and without a question.
"Wow, your place is beautiful, Lisa." Jennie smiles, her eyes twinkling at the simple yet fine interior of Lisa's apartment. "Pretty sure your photography business is amazing!" She tells Lisa, feeling her heart swell of how proud she is of her beloved.
"Yeah, it is." Lisa says sheepishly, scratching the back of her neck when she feels heat rise up to her cheeks.
"Ugh, humble as always." Jennie teases and chuckles. Lisa could only shake her head as a lop-sided smile tug on her face.
"You know," Lisa starts, gently pulling Jennie's luggage out of her hands and situating them in the corner. "I can't wait to build our own forever here. Or perhaps, we would have our forever home, who knows?" Lisa smiles, placing a gentle kiss on Jennie's soft lips.
Jennie kisses her back first before shoving Lisa's face playfully. "What if you get bored of me when I start to look like an old hag or something." Jennie tells her lightheartedly, giving Lisa a teasing gaze, but deep inside she still feels insecurities seep into her skin.
"What?! No!" Lisa yelps, looking more offended than Jennie. "You'll never grow old to me."
Lisa gazes at Jennie's face, a breath of wonder escapes her lips. She still couldn't believe how beautiful Jennie will always be.
"I'll always remember you like this." Lisa quietly tucks a piece of Jennie's hair behind her ear, looking at her beloved with a serene yet adoring gaze.
"You know, when we were apart," Lisa starts. "Though you're absent, I still could feel your presence like you have always been here. Like you never left at all."
"I'm guessing you also felt that way?" Lisa claimed with a small smile.
Jennie nods at this, the same grin reflected on her features. "Yeah, I really did."
"Well, I learned a secret," Lisa tells her like it's such exciting gossip. Jennie only chuckles but her attention and attentiveness never wavered. "Possibly in the hardest way possible," the Thai chuckles, scratching the back of her neck at the remembrance of the falling of their relationship and every hurt that came with it.
"I have loved you, and you have loved me. In more ways than one, even in the littlest things, you'll always be here." Lisa tells her, gently placing Jennie's palm on her chest just where her heart is located. Lisa never loved her because she was expecting something in return. She loved Jennie for something more. Loved her for something about the way they'd go their separate ways and yet always find her at her fingertips.
Lisa's words dripped in sincerity that it sounded like milk and honey in Jennie's ears.
And at this moment, Jennie feels the world become so tender, feels herself anchoring on familiar shores that she drifted away from a time that almost felt like forever. And she finally feels it. She's finally ready to walk into whatever the heart holds for her. Jennie wants to be as present as she can be.
Perhaps, Jennie's heart has lived without Lisa for too long.
Without saying a word, actually in these moments most of the times, words aren't that much needed, Jennie falls into Lisa's arms and gives her a warm embrace, not wanting to let go of what they have and what they will have. She wants this, and all it could offer.
She's here and it's more than enough.