Chapter Text
This is not the sound of a new man
Or a crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be safe with me
- re:stacks, bon iver
She's here, but not in a way that's enough.
She stands in the corner of their daughter's room—unnoticeable, invisible, like the ghost that she is—watching how Lisa lulls their 4-year-old to sleep.
The love of her life is sitting on the floor, her chin resting gently on ella's arm while her slender and long fingers softly trace the familiar patterns of a face that lisa knows too well.
Jennie couldn't help but smile at the way Lisa avoids adding even a slight of force to her touches, she finds it amazing how she could maintain the same soft and delicate pressure in her touch, it almost seemed like a feather hovering on their little girl's skin, or an artist painting their masterpiece. Jennie thinks this is what maternal instincts does to Lisa, who was once a childish person back in the day, but Jennie still loved her nonetheless.
Lisa had always been so careful, so gentle, so caring, so loving, then she became a mother, and Jennie couldn't think of a better embodiment for those four words, because when she looks at Lisa those four words are all she sees.
And Jennie had always wanted to thank her for everything she has ever done for their daughter without the presence and guide of her own being.
"Everything that happens is from now on," Lisa's soft humming earlier started to form words. "This is pouring rain," she pauses, following the slow rhythm of the song, her head silently bobbing at the guitar strumming that wasn't there but she knows by heart. "This is paralyze..."
Slowly, Jennie gets to make out the song her girlfriend's singing at the quiet of the night. The melody, the words, she knows it too well... no doubt, It's her favorite song.
At that moment Jennie wanted to cry. She covers her mouth with both of her hands, trying to restrain the threatening sob from coming out, as if the two most important people in her life will even get to hear it.
Crying over a song might've been too exaggerated for Jennie if she were alive, but ever since she left Lisa tried to erase her from their own home, she got rid of everything that might resemble Jennie, and their very own daughter doesn't even know of her, doesn't even know her name. everything that she was in their home was wipeout as if a hurricane came and things weren't the same ever since.
And hearing Lisa sing her favorite song after a long time and knowing her daughter gets to hear it felt like a miracle. Though lisa buried most part of her in the cold and dusting spaces in her heart there will always be a lingering something that could resemble her, something that their daughter could recognize that is her.
Even if it's just from a song.
it became Lisa's unwritten rule to conceal the sensitive topic that is Jennie— Jennie's not sure if it's for Ella or for Lisa herself, but nonetheless, she understands. though it may sound unfair to other people, but having to see and only watch the pain Lisa had to go through for the past 4 years since she's left, she understands.
She wholeheartedly understands, without the lingering paradoxical feeling.
Lisa wasn't supposed to do this alone.
It didn't have to end this way.
Jennie didn't want it to end this way.
After singing the chorus Lisa leaves their daughter's room. Jennie pads beside the little girl's bed, her turn to say goodnight and give the little girl a kiss goodnight on the cheek.
When she pecks Ella's cheek the toddler's eyes slowly fluttered open. The kiss felt cold that Ella got startled at the sudden change of temperature. Her slightly opened eyes silently staring at the pretty lady sitting on her bed.
After saying goodnight Jennie plans on exiting Ella's room too, but seeing her daughter up close, she decided to stay a little longer. She softly traces the little girl's features, she smiles seeing the almost exact copy of her face from the girl.
"Would you be able to say that someday?" The pretty lady on her bed asks. Her touches feel cold but it feels nice and kind, it's making her feel sleepy more. Ella's eyelids start to become heavier, the exhaustion from school and other activities were taking a toll on her little body.
"You think you could say mommy Jennie someday, sweetheart?" Jennie asks foolishly. Chuckling at the thought of the impossible. "I love you so much, Ella. I hope you know that." She kisses the little girl one last time and disappears from her room.
Ella's consciousness is starting to drift, she musters the remaining of it and whispers, "Mommy?" before instantly succumbing to sleep. A small smile forms on her lips at the woman's soft voice and her presence filled with security and love.
2017
Kim Ella
A teary-eyed Lisa reads the name tag plastered on the baby's crib. She wanted to touch her, to feel her in her arms, but there's a big transparent glass separating her from the baby ward, so she just stands outside and watches how the newborn baby sleeps.
Though there's this maternal instinct manifesting in Lisa's being that elicits the desire to touch the baby there's also this lingering hindrance burning in her heart.
Jennie's gone.
The doctor said she lost too much blood.
Now, Lisa's not sure if it's just the glass that restrains her from cradling the baby.
She feels a cold air brush over her face, causing her to hug herself for warmth but it doesn't work. The hospital's been chilly ever since she got here, but this cold feels different and Lisa couldn't pinpoint how.
"she's beautiful isn't she?" Jennie asks, but it's no surprise that she didn't get an answer.
Jennie notices a teardrop on Lisa's cheek. And Jennie knows this will be another flood of tears coming, ever since the news of her death was announced Lisa's been crying for hours. It's the longest she's seen her cry and the messiest she's ever been.
"Lisa..." Jennie's voice falters. Trying her best to wipe Lisa's tears, but her hand just passes through the love of her life's face.
The more Lisa watches the baby, the more she couldn't handle herself.
"don't cry, please, don't cry." Jennie mumbles, her voice becoming muffled, she's also restraining herself from breaking down. She still tries to wipe Lisa's tears but it's no use. it's frustrating her too much, she's still not used to being a ghost.
"I'm sorry. I really am."
Jennie sits on the floor near Lisa's bed, her face cradled by both of her hands, admiring the way the love of her life sleeps peacefully. Her girlfriend's soft snores fill the quiet room, bringing a sense of serenity in Jennie's heart. Lisa sleeping is the only time of the day she gets to see her girlfriend look tranquil, which barely happens now. For the past 4 years, Lisa had always been so disarrayed at everything every time she's awake, she always looked like she came from a storm.
But Jennie couldn't blame her, she's an owner of a photography studio in the busy metropolis, she has a growing 4 year old at home, she worries about the monthly bills, she's the one in charge of Ella's safety and well-being, and she had lost the love of her life. If only she were alive, she would pamper and dote on her girlfriend the same way she would care for their daughter.
But that dream would remain as it is, a dream.
Jennie smiles at the way Lisa's sleeping habit never changed, ever since Lisa and her shared a dorm back in their college days the woman in front of her had always held on tightly to her childhood stuffed bear that she had been hugging and cuddling with even before Jennie.
Jennie chuckles at the memory when Lisa thought she had lost the bear somewhere. They just got back to Seoul from their three-day-trip from Jeju. And when they got home, Lisa immediately decided to doze off—tired from the trip and all. She remembers she was in the living room that time, busy unpacking and fixing her luggage, then suddenly a loud whine from their shared bedroom elicited, and a teary-eyed and sniffing Lisa came running to her, it felt like she had a toddler throwing a tantrum in her home.
Lisa was really agitated that time, she kept asking Jennie "have you seen him?" and was muttering curses under her breath while digging up her luggage she brought from the trip, throwing everything inside the luggage into the air, not caring where it landed. Jennie was even hit by Lisa's toothbrush square in the face. And when Lisa didn't find the stuffed animal in her bag a big bawl was about to come but then Jennie— being the life-saver that she is, and the most organized one out of the two— she pulled out the bear from another bag they brought for their other necessities. And ever since that day Lisa had always kept him close and would always double-check things just to be sure the stuffed animal is there.
"Honey, you're still as cute as before." Jennie cooed, aching to attack Lisa's cheek with kisses to jolt the girl awake.
It's only a few minutes before Lisa's alarm starts to emit the quietness of the room. Back then she was Lisa's alarm clock—and the best alarm clock Lisa ever had. Waking her girlfriend up with kiss attacks on her cheeks and tickles on the sides, leaving Lisa no choice but to wake up and get ready for the day.
"Lisa," she sing-songs, lifting a finger to trace the contours and edges of Lisa's face. "It's time to wake up now." Lisa slightly winces at her touch, causing the woman to hug her stuffed animal more.
Jennie coos again, the cute sight of her girlfriend still making her heart flutter like it is still the first time. Watching Lisa sleep had got to be her favorite past time, aside from playing with their daughter.
Then the loud and jarring ringing begun disrupting Jennie's peaceful admiration of her girlfriend.
"Shut up," Lisa grumbles onto the pillow. Shuffling slightly at the noise that continues to hurt her ears.
Jennie giggles at the sight of an annoyed Lisa, missing how she used to tease her girlfriend back then and missed the way how her face contorts in an annoyed expression Jennie absolutely loved eliciting from her.
"Shut up!" Lisa grumbles once again, this time louder. Her hand flies to the alarm clock attempting to shut it off, but instead of hitting the snooze button, she hit the whole clock instead causing it to fly from her bedside table, a loud thud eliciting from the action.
"Lisa!" Jennie admonishes, standing up from her seat. She crosses her arms, manifesting the energy of a pissed off mother. "You can't just do that. You're being immature."
Another grumble came out from her mouth. Jennie scoffs at the reply, though it wasn't really directed to her.
"Honey! Get up!" Jennie shouts, trying to pull Lisa out from the bed but her hand only passes through Lisa's arm.
Jennie sighs at the reality. There are times when she forgets that she’s a ghost, she gets too enamored and caught up in her family's daily routine that she forgets that she's not part of it anymore.
"Mooommyy!"
Lisa instantly jolted awake at the sound of their daughter's loud whining.
Okay, maybe, Jennie's not the only best alarm clock Lisa had.
Tiny feet could be heard scrambling towards Lisa's room. Suddenly a cheeky toddler with mirth shining in her eyes suddenly bursts through the door.
"Ella, baby, you're awake!" Jennie smiles at the little girl. Seeing this tiny being brings so much indescribable joy inside of her.
"Aw, my Ella is awake." Lisa sits up and swings her feet over the bed, opening her arms wide for the little girl.
Ella smiles first before dashing towards her mommy's inviting hug. Lisa scoops the little girl in her arms and gave her a sweet kiss on the forehead.
"Good morning, baby," Lisa tells their daughter with so much warmth. A warmth Jennie's all too familiar with.
Ella boops Lisa's nose in reply, giggling at the way her mommy crinkles her face.
"I want breakfast!" The child shouts with so much energy, pointing at her tummy.
"Okay,okay. Mommy will prepare you breakfast." Lisa coos, cradling her daughter's face in her hands and giving a quick peck on the little girl's nose.
Jennie lingers on the corner of the room once again, settles on leaning against the wall, she feels her heart grew twice as big at the perfect-picture sight of her family.
Lisa stands up from the bed, the 4 year old still in her arms, tenderly cradling their daughter. The little girl snuggles between the junction of Lisa's neck and shoulders, causing her chubby cheeks to get squished like dumplings, it reminds Jennie of the many times Lisa called her 'mandu'.
Jennie pads behind Lisa, her hand finding its way to their daughter's soft hair, lovingly caressing the little girl's head, though her hand really is just hovering on the toddler's head, but Jennie pretends that's not the case.
"Good morning, baby," Jennie says, a smile on her face. The moment Jennie greeted her child Lisa had started to walk out of the room already.
"Morning, mommy," Ella utters while looking at the middle of the room, hugging Lisa closely.
"Oh, I thought you forgot." Lisa chuckles, giving a soft pat on the little girl's back.
Ella's gaze doesn't stray away from Jennie's figure until Lisa had already exited the room.
2016
Lisa's not sure if it's her eyes playing with her or anything, but she could clearly see Jennie in the baby's section of the department store.
Lisa's just passing through and suddenly the first person she ever loved was there all of a sudden. She didn't want to come close to her, but there's this indescribable force that pushes her to Jennie and before she knows it she's closer to her to than ever.
She hasn't been this close since Jennie and her broke it off two years ago, and two years ago when Jennie flew to Paris to study fashion designing further.
"Lisa!" Jennie yelps, the younger girl startling her when Lisa just stands there like a damn scarecrow.
"Jennie!" Lisa yelps back.
This greeting causes Jennie to laugh. Lisa smiles like a fool when she heard that laugh, it's been a while and she's missed hearing that lovely sound.
"Haven't seen you in a while." Jennie softly tells her. Smiling at the sight of a flustered Lisa.
"yeah..." Lisa's voice wavers. Lisa silently curses at herself for still acting like a fool every time she's near Jennie, for fuck's sake, they were in a relationship together for four years. She's known Jennie like the back of her hand, but here she is, still acting like a stuttering mess.
"uhm, uh..." Lisa murmurs stupidly, like a student who just got called for recitation.
This makes Jennie soft around the edges. though their breakup didn't end in the best of terms, Lisa had always known how to play with her heartstrings. She had always known how to make Jennie feel things, no matter how cliche the feeling is.
"You're still beautiful. That hasn't changed." Lisa blurted out, chuckling nervously. Once she realized what she said she suddenly becomes mum.
An uncomfortable blush starts to burn in Jennie's cheeks. "shut up..." Jennie mumbles shyly, pushing the younger woman with a light shove.
"so, uh, what are you doing here in the baby's section?" before Lisa could process how insensitive her statement was it already left her mouth. She inwardly curses herself once again.
"oh!" Jennie's somewhat taken aback at the question. contemplating if she should say the truth or not. but it's Lisa she's talking to, and she never once felt too ashamed to tell her most of her truths.
"I've been pregnant for 4 weeks now..." her voice falters along the way. She sees the way Lisa's breath hitch. "It just happened..." she lowers her head, afraid to meet Lisa's kind gaze.
"Who's the dad?"
"I don't really know him. He was a one-night stand." Jennie replies, feeling a sense of shame clawing on her chest.
"Are you gonna keep it?" Lisa asks softly, being really careful of her words. Her kindness never fails to amaze Jennie.
"yes"
"it'd be hard, but I know I can handle it." Jennie says, assuring and encouraging herself that she can do that responsibility. Though hesitation and doubt cloud her mind.
"I know. you're Jennie. you're the best person I've ever met." Lisa gives her an assuring smile.
Lisa's words made her feel light, lifting a couple of worries away weighing her chest.
"if you don't mind, do you want to grab something to eat? and maybe catch up on each other." Lisa offers shyly. And Jennie doesn't remember not agreeing to that lovely smile and soft gaze Lisa always had.
"Sure." Jennie answers, simple as that. Intertwining Lisa's pinky with her own and giving her the infamous gummy smile that always had been Lisa's weakness.
They were apart for two years, having to grow in their own way. They had to grow together-- and sometimes, that means to grow individually, but never growing apart.
"Ella, eat your veggies." Lisa scolds the 4-year-old half-heartedly, using her fork to point at the left-over food in her daughter's plate that's mostly composed of greens.
"Mommy is right, baby. You should eat your veggies so you could become more healthy and strong, so you could get to play longer." Jennie tells Ella, giving the little girl a gentle and encouraging pat on the crown of her head.
Ella only pouts and frowns, crossing her arms on her chest. Lisa watches her daughter lower her head, but secretly glares at her.
"Aw, baby..." Jennie sighs, her lips also jutted into a sad pout matching her daughter's. She continues to caress the child's head in a consoling manner.
"Hey, don't make that face." Lisa scolds again, but this time firmer than before.
But instead of being scared and obeying her mother, Ella decides to talk back and reason out. "But mommy! Aunt Jisoo told me that even when she ate her veggies when she was young she didn't become more taller."
"Don't listen to aunt Jisoo, she talks nonsense sometimes," Lisa replies back, dismissing her daughter's reason with a wave of her hand.
"But mommy!" Ella whines again causing Lisa to grumble a childish "what?".
"Ugh! it's like having two kids." Jennie also groans, shaking her head at her family's useless banter.
"You also don't eat your veggies...." the 4 year old enunciated, pointing at the leftover vegetables in Lisa's plate.
Lisa's taken aback at her daughter for calling her out. she shamelessly looks at her plate, and well, she also has her own left-over vegetables in her plate just like Ella. This causes Lisa to get silent for a moment, not knowing how to deny the truth that's already laid out in front of her, the truth that her 4 year old daughter laid out for her.
"You really are mini-me." Jennie laughs, absent-mindedly clapping both of her hands at the amusement these two bring her. She really could see herself in this little bundle of joy, not just because they look so much alike, but the way they both tease Lisa is the same way Jennie used to poke fun on her soft-hearted girlfriend.
"W-well..." Lisa stammers, thinking of a reason that will beat her daughter's. Then suddenly a non-existent lightbulb appears on her head, suddenly thinking of a better excuse. "At least my left-over vegetables are not as many as yours!" Lisa shouts in a childish manner.
Jennie smiles at the love of her life. After watching Lisa take care of their daughter for the past 4 years there are times where Lisa forgets she's a mother of a growing toddler. Though she's been through so many sorrows and hardships since Jennie left, there will always be the spirit of a child that would remain in Lisa's heart. One of the many mirths why Jennie fell in love with her in the first place.
"And whoever finishes their vegetables wins!" Lisa announced out of nowhere, declaring a competition between the two of them.
Ella gasps at her mother, she was about to say something but Lisa's already picking the vegetables on her plate, and Ella wouldn't let her mommy win another competition.
"Go, baby! We will not let mommy Lisa win!" Jennie cheers for her daughter, standing near Ella's side and enthusiastically clapping her hands to give Ella motivation. Along the process, she boos Lisa in a good-natured way.
Though the two doesn't know she's here with them, she isn't the one to keep the love she has for her family.
2016
Jennie's now 5 months pregnant.
And it has also been 5 months since they got back together. After their meeting at the department store, it felt so easy to fall back unto one another. And within a week or two they got back together, and it made Jennie certainly decided to move in with Lisa, not wanting another day to pass without the girl by her side.
"Honey, you're not supposed to move a lot." Lisa scolds her girlfriend light-heartedly. Jennie stops her vacuuming to look at Lisa with that mean glint in her eyes.
"Then stop slouching around!" Jennie chastised, picking up an empty water bottle from the kitchen counter, using it as a weapon to hit lisa.
"Stop! Aw!" Lisa whines, shielding herself from Jennie's repeated hits.
"I can't just sit around here and watch dust reside in our apartment!" Jennie continues her scolding. "We both know how much of a clean freak I am!"
The younger woman instantly jolted out from their couch, holding Jennie's wrist to restrain the girl from hitting her once more. She quickly pulls out the bottle from Jennie's hand and throws it in the trash can.
"You're lucky I love you or else I would've beaten your ass already!" Jennie pulls away from Lisa's grip. Now she continues her attack, pinching Lisa's sides this time.
"Honey! Okay! Okay!" Lisa rattled on, moving away from Jennie to avoid more pinches. "Jesus, your mood swings became a lot worse." As soon those words left her mouth a forceful slap found its way on her forearm, eliciting a loud yelp out of her mouth.
"Look, look," Lisa picks up the vacuum and holds it out for Jennie to see. "I'm picking up the vacuum. I'll do the cleaning from now on." lisa vowed, making a cross near her heart.
A victorious smile paints on Jennie's face. Sitting down on their couch with a sigh of relief, watching lisa obediently clean the floor. She loves feeling like the general in their home, every time she wanted Lisa to do something for her the younger girl doesn't have a choice b ut to oblige.
"Mommy Jennie won again, baby." Jennie caresses her growing baby bump.
"Mommy Lisa loves it when mommy Jennie wins, baby." Lisa suddenly butts in.
"Sh! Continue that!" Jennie light-heartedly demanded.
Lisa ignores her girlfriend, and continues talking to their baby. "Because when mommy Jennie wins she gets happy, and mommy Lisa always wants her to be happy." Lisa says, making Jennie's heart flutter at the admission.
"And mommy Jennie lets me make love to her when she's happy." Lisa added jokingly.
jennie's eyes grow wide, her jaw slacking when she processed what Lisa said. "LISA!" Jennie shouts at her, throwing a pillow at her girlfriend and successfully hitting her square on the face.
Jennie kept scolding and reprimanding the girl but Lisa only laughs, enjoying the irritation plastered on Jennie's face.
this is home, and lisa couldn't ask for anything more.
Once Lisa and Ella exited the building of their apartment the little girl quickly intertwines her pinky with Lisa's own. The little girl follows the speed of her mommy's long strides, when Lisa notices Ella having a hard time to keep up even after for only a few seconds she instantly adjusts her steps into slow and small ones.
Jennie follows her little family to their daughter's kindergarten school, quickly situating herself beside Ella. She wanted to hold her daughter's hand too, but something so simple seemed impossible to do so.
"Mommy, are we going to finally play later?" The little girl asks, looking up at Lisa with pleading eyes and a pout. Lisa hated how her heart softens at the sight, wanting nothing more than to eagerly comply.
Lisa started to caress the back of Ella's hand with her thumb, a habit that grew over time, implying an advanced apology to her daughter if there are things she couldn't give to her. She tries her best to be there for her, but most of the time she's busy trying to make a living for the two of them.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm going to be busy later..." Lisa admits, her voice deflating at her very own words. She also wanted to play with Ella, to make up for all the lost time she spent on work and not on her daughter, but today's a busy day in the studio, the client she currently has is going to host a big event and taking a day off doesn't seem plausible.
Jennie saddens at her girlfriend's reply, but she understands that Lisa has other responsibilities that she has to carry. She pats the 4 year old's back, wanting to offer a sense of comfort in any way she can.
"You're always busy, mommy." Ella murmurs sadly, kicking a lone pebble in front of her.
"Even when we're home, you still work..." Lisa feels her throat parch at the admission, hearing it from her daughter feels a lot worse. She stops her tracks, crouching down to match her daughter's gaze.
"I'm sorry, okay?" Lisa softly apologizes, looking at Ella with a gloomy gaze. She starts smoothing out her daughter's jacket absent-mindedly. "But mommy promises that we'll play on Sunday, all day if you ask me. Do you want me to take you to the mall? to the park?"
"The place with rides!" Ella cheekily smiles.
"Okay, amusement park it is!" Lisa cradles her child's face in her hands and gives her a loud kiss on the cheek.
"YAY!" Ella cheers, jumping up and down with so much energy a little child could muster, her little pigtails bouncing with her.
"It's family time!" jennie sing-songs, cheering excitedly with her daughter. It's been a while since her family had a fun little nice trip and she couldn't wait for the smiles that will paint their faces.
"Promise?" Ella holds out her pinky finger and waits for Lisa to intertwine hers.
"Promise." Lisa smiles with assurance.
After a short period of time, they finally reached the gate of Ella's kindergarten. Parent after parent were arriving, dropping their own little ones to the hands of the teachers, and giving a kiss goodbye on the children's plump cheeks before trailing off.
"We're here," Lisa announces like a tour guide wanting to elicit a small laugh from her daughter which she successfully did. She stops her tracks, to look at Ella with a soft gaze, "auntie Jisoo will fetch you today, okay?" Lisa informs their daughter, holding out a thumbs up.
The toddler nods, bumping Lisa's hand with her own thumbs up. Lisa smiles at the action, "that's my little girl."
"Be a good girl in school today, baby." Jennie smiles, patting their daughter's back.
"Take care, Ella." Lisa kisses the girl's forehead, letting it linger there for a moment before pulling away. "I love you, sweetheart." She says with so much meaning, smoothing out the little girl's bangs while she looks at her with so much fondness. Lisa had always worn her heart on her sleeve when it comes to Ella. Ella beams at her, booping Lisa's nose again as a response.
Jennie releases a heavy sigh, feeling her chest constrict at the sight. It's the small moments when the thought of wanting to be alive fills her.
Lisa kindly calls the teacher who's standing a few feet away from them. The young lady instantly came over and took Ella's hand, pulling the little girl slowly towards the school. Ella's gaze remained glued at Lisa's figure, still not wanting to say her farewell, wanting more time to be with her mommy.
Lisa, as well as Jennie, offers a wave, Ella repeating the gesture before she enters the school's doors.
Once the little girl was out of sight Lisa releases a sigh that she's holding in for quite some time.
"It's time to drop you off at your workplace now, dummy." Jennie teases, the nickname she used to call Lisa naturally rolling off her tongue.
Lisa started to walk away from the kindergarten place, making her way towards the bus station. Her car was in the repair shop and it will take a day or two to get it back.
"Honey! Slow down!" Jennie whines, trying to catch up with Lisa's pace. "I know you have long legs and all but give me a break, dummy!" She shouts.
Jennie starts to jog, it's no use shouting when Lisa can't even hear her in the first place. She decided to surpass Lisa, so she could be able to look at the girl.
Jennie starts to slow her pace, walking backward to have a clear image of Lisa's face. She scrutinizes her girlfriend's features, the kind smile that was there a few moments ago when she was with Ella was now gone as if it wasn't even there in the first place.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Jennie asks softly, brows furrowing in a worried manner.
There's still no answer.
Lisa continues to look ahead, her face blank as a canvas, the color that was there not so long ago vanished out of thin air.
"I'm really worried about you, you idiot." Jennie tells her, full of concern. her hand flying out, threatening to hit Lisa with it.
Jennie notices Lisa's change of pace, the girl slowed down and her gaze shifted from the street to the lone bench on the side of the park.
"Honey, I think you forgot where the bus station is," Jennie says, pointing straight ahead where Lisa's supposed to be going.
Lisa walks toward the bench and sits there, leaning on its headrest and blankly stares ahead. Jennie clicks her tongue in frustration, shaking her head at the younger woman's action. she has work and she said it herself that it's a busy one, now she's here slacking off.
Jennie sits beside her, she was about to lecture Lisa about her slacking off and being lazy again, but the moment she sees Lisa's tired eyes and her eye-bags that makeup slightly conceals she suddenly shuts herself up.
"I'm sorry, Lisa..." Jennie just apologizes, fumbling her fingers in shame. Shifting her gaze from her girlfriend to look at the ground.
Then she hears the girl sniffling, a quiet whimper escaping Lisa's lips. Jennie's eyes instantly found Lisa's own. Her eyes were glassy and Jennie knew Lisa was trying hard to compose herself and to avoid breaking down. It's been a while since she's seen her cry again, she's usually quiet and calm these days.
"Lisa..." Jennie's voice falters, looking at the girl with a worried gaze.
The sobs kept scratching on Lisa's throat, she didn't want to let it see daylight, shutting her lips tightly preventing it from coming out. She quietly does a breathing exercise to calm herself down, and it worked after a few times of doing it.
She just remembered Jennie all of a sudden.
Memories are sometimes too painful to be remembered. There are times when she would daydream about her, sometimes absent-mindedly. And wonders about the what could have been, the would have been, and should have been. Then it was only a matter of time when reality would set in and she snaps out of it.
Daydreams are all she has. That has to be enough, it's all she gets, so it sort of has to be.
"Are you alright now?" Jennie asks, running her hand on Lisa's shoulder.
Lisa pulls out her wallet from her purse. Jennie eyes her curiously, trying to read her girlfriend's action but nothing came to mind. She questions why she would pull her wallet all of a sudden. Is she gonna buy something perhaps? A bottle of water?
Once Lisa opens the wallet, Jennie gasps in disbelief.
It's a picture of her tucked inside it.
"I thought you completely forgot about me..." Jennie whispers. her own words hurting her.
Lisa pulls out the tiny picture that has been sitting on her wallet ever since. It's the only picture she couldn't completely put away. It's a picture of a smiling seven-months-pregnant Jennie and herself, looking at her favorite camera with bliss and excitement swimming in their eyes. They couldn't wait for Ella's arrival that day, a sudden surge of enthusiasm just flows in the couple that Lisa felt the need to take a picture. Wanting to capture and freeze that blissful and raw feeling they had that day.
Lisa knows she could never exterminate something so beautiful, cannot simply extinguish out the light of something-- someone-- so radiant. Something that bright and beautiful will grow even in the darkest places.
Lisa held on to her, tried so hard to keep Jennie close. She wonders if she held on a little too tight, or perhaps she didn't hold on tight enough. But regardless, she lost her, and when she lost her she somehow lost everything that meant to her. It's only common sense to let go of her now. But she couldn't. It will always be hard to let her go. A part of Lisa would always want Jennie, would always love her. Because she saw her, she saw everything that Jennie was. And saw everything that Lisa believed Jennie could be. And when Lisa has seen all of that, she saw their future, she saw the best days waiting just for them.
She caressed the picture for a few seconds and tucks it back on its place as fast as she pulled it out earlier. Lisa wiped her eyes and any evidence that might reveal that she cried, she stands up, dusted off the non-existent dust on her clothes, and trails off.
She covered her sadness the same way one might cover tired eyes.
It was this realization that made Jennie want to lean over, grab hold of Lisa's shoulders, and give her the most consoling hug. She couldn't forgive herself for the pained look in Lisa's eyes telling her that she'd rather be anywhere else than where she is right now.
2017
Jennie had to painfully watch Lisa beg for her parents' help for the sake of the baby she's cradling in her arms, only to deny and reject the only remembrance that Jennie left in this world.
Lisa left the house—where Jennie grew up in—with a heavy heart. too heavy that she can barely walk, weighing her down a little too much.
Jennie's parents never really approved of their relationship. When they found out about their daughter having a relationship with a girl for more than a year in Jennie's college days completely shocked and angered them. Then finding out that Jennie got back with Lisa a week later after getting to land on Korea again for the last two years since she went abroad added more fuel to the fire.
They had conservative ideals, they didn't dare to enlighten themselves with same-sex couples. And that caused a strain on Jennie's relationship with them, but only blaming Lisa for everything that happened. They couldn't bring themselves to get angry at their only daughter that they loved so much, so they invested their frustration to Lisa instead, blaming her for the stain and ruins that their ignorance caused.
"I'm sorry, Lisa. I'm sorry..." she kept repeating over and over again until Lisa got on the bus headed to their home.
"It's just you and me, Ella." Lisa tells their daughter sadly. Tracing the baby's features gently with her finger.
Jennie tears up at the sight of her family, especially the love of her life looking helpless and defeated.
"Mommy's here for you..." Lisa whispers, softly pecking the baby's forehead.
"Mommy Jennie too..." Jennie replies too in a choked sob. "Mommy Jennie too, Ella."
Time had already stopped moving for Jennie, while Lisa's still frozen somewhere between the past and the present.
But for the sake of their daughter, Lisa didn't have a choice but to go on.
Jennie was a part of Lisa's life, and Lisa's learning to be okay with that.
"Unnie!" Yeri, Lisa's assistant and friend, shouts causing Lisa to jolt awake. Her head instantly shooting up from the desk where she previously has her head resting on.
"What?" Lisa grumbles incoherently, wiping her eyes to get rid of the sleep that's still there.
"Lisa-yah, you always look tired. Please give yourself some rest from time to time." Jennie sighs, rubbing circles on Lisa's back.
"Uhm, who's that model friend who has a crush on you?" Yeri tells her.
"Rosé?" Lisa replies curiously, standing up from her seat and going out from her office.
"Yeah, she came to visit." Her junior nods.
"And," Lisa stands near her, giving the poor woman a glare. "She doesn't have a crush on me. Stop making things up." Lisa hisses.
Yeri only chuckles, not even afraid the slightest bit. "I'm not. You're just dense." She adds, shaking her head and trailing off.
"Yah!" Lisa scolds her but she's already far away.
"It's true, honey, you really are dense. She has the same stare I have when i look at you." Jennie tells her girlfriend. "And she's all smiley and cheeky when she sees you, it's too sweet that it disgusts me," Jennie light-heartedly grimaces.
"Hi, Lisa!" Rosé blushes as soon as she sees the photographer.
"She's got it bad, Lisa." Jennie playfully shoves the younger girl.
"Hey," Lisa replies back giving her a soft and welcoming smile. "What brings you here?"
"Just came to visit to see you." Rosé shyly replies, tucking her stray locks behind her ear. "It's been a while since I saw your face and all."
Jennie rolls her eyes in a good-natured manner, chuckling at the way the model acts like a silly and flustered high school girl. "You and your charms, Lisa." Jennie shakes her head, "this is why Jisoo and I had a little petty fight back in the day."
"Well, thank you, I guess?" Lisa giggles, scratching the back of her neck, she's completely flustered at the pretty model in front of her.
"You're so bad at talking and flirting, how the hell do you charm pretty girls?!" Jennie groans and rolls her eyes.
"I missed you too. We haven't gotten to hang out because of your busy schedule, and I have Ella so...yeah."
Rosé blushes again hearing the words "I missed you" from Lisa's mouth. Jennie scoffs at how obvious this girl is, and she scoffs louder at how dense Lisa is.
It's a match made in heaven, I guess. Jennie thinks to herself.
"Do you have any schedule or anything like that?" Lisa asks, leaning absent-mindedly on the wall.
"I just came from a meeting, actually. But it's finished now. So I'm kinda free for today." Rosé tells her.
"Oh, well," Lisa prods. "do you want to stay for a while? The client of mine will be here soon and I'll be busy then. And since you're here I think it's my duty to entertain you." Lisa teasingly says. Her fond words playing with the model's heartstrings.
Jennie's not sure what made Lisa so charming. perhaps it was something about her smile, lop-sided and plastered imperfectly on her face, or her doe eyes pooling with kindness and unguarded affection to anyone she cares for, or perhaps it's the welcoming and soft nature the girl naturally has.
Though Jennie's not certain what it is that makes Lisa special but she knows for sure she loves the girl for who she was, who she is, and for who she will be.
2020
"You idiot, do it! Call her! Ask her on a date!" Jennie yells at Lisa. She's standing beside her girlfriend— who's currently having second thoughts about calling Rosé, the model that Lisa finds enthralling earlier.
Lisa's finger continues to hover on the screen of her phone, contemplating on tapping the call button.
"Do it! Do it! Do it!" Jennie encourages, her hands forming into tight fists, she couldn't contain the frustration she's feeling for Lisa right now.
Lisa only groans before she starts to put away her phone. Jennie pouts sadly and watches Lisa stand up from the sofa and call out Ella for dinner.
"You idiot..." Jennie huffs and follows Lisa to Ella's room.
It was now her family's bedtime. After watching Lisa tuck their daughter in and gave their little girl a good night's kiss Jennie followed Lisa to her bedroom so she could do the same thing, though Lisa wouldn't know any of it.
Lisa only sits on the bed and stares blankly at the white of the wall, face completely emotionless but Jennie knew deep down that she was feeling everything that it even feels too heavy to express it.
Jennie takes a sit on edge of the bed, slowly nearing herself beside her girlfriend. Jennie looks at her sadly. She was never used to seeing Lisa be this way.
"Lisa," Jennie starts, ducking her head down and forces herself to restrain her tears. After wiping her watery eyes she looks back up at her lover. "You need to start to let go of me," The admission hurt more as soon it left her mouth. "It's been 3 years already..."
Lisa was afraid to let her go. Because once she did, she'd be gone forever. Lisa wasn't someone who closes doors, she burns them and replaces them with tombstones. It becomes a place where dreams, hope, love, and the life they shared together are buried. Becoming a place to mourn a relationship that once was.
Even when she's gone the world kept spinning and spinning.
And Lisa really tries to hold on, to balance herself, even if it gets dizzier as time goes by.
The difficult part of living is that everything has its end. It's just that some ends take so long to get to that it feels like forever.
Jennie silently watches her daughter play on the floor from the couch. Ella's currently making a story about becoming the best pokemon trainer or something like that.
"Auntie Jisoo," Ella calls out for Jennie's best friend, putting down the toy she's holding.
"What is it, sweetheart?" Jisoo answers back kindly. Taking a sit on the floor beside the little girl who was busy playing with her pokemon toys earlier.
Ella's face contorts in a curious expression, "why is mommy's face always like this?" Ella asks while she imitates Lisa's serious face that the toddler got used to. Though Jennie finds it adorable and funny, she can't ignore the heaviness that seemed to find its place in her heart.
"Because mommy's tired from work, sweetheart." Jisoo replies sincerely, though it's just one of the truths why Lisa acts the way she is now.
"But even when she's home she doesn't sleep early." Ella points out, wondering why her mommy doesn't sleep as soon as possible to instantly charge all her energy.
"Because she has to take care of you too," Jisoo explains as simple as possible, patting the toddler's head lovingly.
"Actually, back then your mommy isn't always like this," it's Jisoo now who imitates Lisa's serious expression in an exaggerated way, wanting to light up the mood for the little girl. Which she successfully did because Ella was now chuckling.
"Your mommy is as energetic as you." Jisoo's smiles at the vivid memory of Lisa's cheekiness back then. That Lisa had always been her favorite, though she would never admit it in front of the Thai's face. she had always teased and mocked Lisa for being an annoying little shit but deep down it always brought her joy seeing energy and happiness ooze out of the girl. She would want to see that sight again.
Jennie smiles knowing that Ella is also like Lisa in her own little ways.
"I used to find her annoying back then. She always poked fun of me and we would always bicker at the smallest things." Jisoo tells the little girl, her tone becoming nostalgic. Ella listened attentively, wanting to know stories more about her mommy.
"And that's the reason why I became fond of her," Jisoo replies truthfully. "She's annoying but in a cute way." She adds.
The little girl lights up at the new information about her mommy. It made her happy knowing that her mommy isn't as always as serious and quiet all the time.
Ella then returns to playing with her toys, satisfied with Jisoo's story.
"That's the reason why I liked her," Jisoo says, but mostly to herself. Quietly watching Ella play. "Maybe that's also the reason why she fell for her too." She says it so quietly that it was buried by Ella's rambling.
Jennie hears it perfectly, "It was," Jennie mutters under her breath. "And it still is."
2017
Lisa thinks this is the kind of sadness that nestles in your bones, the type to find home in your being. The kind of sadness that cradles you the way a mother does to her newborn child. The kind that constricts like a boa on your neck, aiming to suffocate its victim until it's theirs to keep. This is the kind of sadness that fills you until there's no space left. This is the kind of sadness that will still be here tomorrow without a trace of doubt.
Lisa stares at the half-empty bottle of soju in her hand then to the other ones that were sprawled on the floor. There were about 3 or 4 bottles? Lisa's not quite sure, her mind's too dizzy and numb to comprehend things properly right now. right now all Lisa knows is that she'll have the most painful headache tomorrow morning.
She was never really fond of drinking, like ever. Jennie was the drinker between the two of them, back then Jennie had always pushed her to drink but she'd always refuse. But after losing her, she kinda understands why people drink their sadness away.
The nausea and hangover were never pleasant, that's for sure. But there was some sense of safety in blacking out. That once you reached your limit in intoxication, things just start to feel numb at some point. Making your brain tuck away things in the farthest space in your mind, granting an assurance of a blurry memory you'll have difficulty in remembering.
And that's what Lisa wanted to happen with Jennie's death.
"Lisa, honey, that's enough." Jennie scolds her weakly, sitting across from the love of her life. Her eyes are pleading, but it's not like Lisa could see them.
Jennie wanted to be mad at Lisa for making a mess, not only in the apartment but also making a mess of herself. But she couldn't blame her. It's not her fault. She's still grieving for the love she had lost.
Jisoo bursts through Lisa's door, worry plastered on her face.
The Thai had called her three hours ago and when she answered the call all she heard were sobs and sniffles, and the call ended after a few moments of whatever that was. It made Jisoo confused, then concerned in a millisecond. She then started calling the girl, but after 20 missed calls she didn't have a choice but to go to Lisa's apartment.
when she sees Lisa sitting on the floor with a couple of soju bottles laying around and another one on her hand, she quickly rushes to her.
"Lisa!" Jisoo scolds, trying to help Lisa stand up but the younger girl only pushes her away and continues to sit on the floor.
"You're a fucking mess, fuck," Jisoo groans, a mix of frustration, sadness, and pity churning in her gut. She stares at Lisa with pleading eyes and quivering lips. "You have a daughter, Lisa. Stop acting like this." She tries to reprimand firmly but the sob threatening to come out from her throat only made her voice weaker.
"Bring her back and I'll stop acting like this!" Lisa cries, untangling Jisoo's grip from her wrist.
"You're talking nonsense..." Jisoo seethes. pulling the empty soju bottle from Lisa's grip. "keep your voice down. Ella might wake up."
Jennie feels her tears falling on her cheeks. Muffling a sob in the back of her throat. This hurts too much. She couldn't handle seeing her hurt this much.
"It hurts!" Lisa wails. "It hurts so much." She starts hitting her chest forcefully— the side where the heart is. "It hurts so much right here." She sobs, hitting her chest more, emphasizing what she feels.
Jisoo starts to panic at the pain it'd cause Lisa when she continues to do that. She hastily grabs her wrists tightly, stopping her friend from hurting herself further.
"Lisa... calm down," Jisoo mutters, staring at Lisa with unwavering pleading eyes. Lisa's hands squeezing tightly the neck of the bottle. Jisoo's hand settled on her whitened knuckles, the touch seeming to burn Lisa.
"Calm down..." she pulls her in for an embrace, rubbing soothing circles on Lisa's back, hoping it would ease the pain. Lisa only cries more in her arms.
Jisoo restrains herself from crying with her.
Jennie could only watch in the corner. She could only watch and she hates herself for not doing anything.
She hates how she couldn't do anything.
Home used to be wherever she was. But now, home is a graveyard.
Filled with lingering love and memories, and the safety she left behind.
The car ride to the amusement park was filled with Ella's excitement. The little girl kept singing loudly and clapped her hands to the beat of her favorite song, Lisa had to keep repeating it all over again until Ella was satisfied. Ella gasps in disbelief at everything that she finds amusing outside the window. And after eating sweet sugary snacks, Ella became a ball of energy that Lisa could barely handle (if she were being honest), the toddler repeatedly asking her mother random questions and persuading Lisa to sing with her, which Lisa wholeheartedly agreed with.
It's been a while since Lisa and her daughter had fun together, so she understands why Ella seems so zealous and lively at everything around her.
Jennie could only smile at this moment.
Actually, Jennie could only smile at everything that her little family does, be it the little and big moments.
It was the only thing she could do.
She knows she can never have them, not in the same way like before. But at least she has this, a glance of what could've been.
2018
Lisa had been very tired these days.
Their little baby's growing continuously, she's becoming more livelier and playful the moment she turned a year old. She's learned how to crawl and climb the sofa, the bed, and even the chairs and stools in their house. Which makes Lisa very nervous, worrying that their daughter would fall and hurt herself. And Lisa and her own studio are slowly becoming quite well-known, especially with modeling photoshoots.
It's really inevitable for her girlfriend to not get the rest she deserves these days. Most of the time she's sleep-deprived but she still tries her best to be there for their daughter and at the same time manage her job.
Jennie sighs and shakes her head, Lisa mostly does all the work all by herself, not really wanting to ask help from others. She knows Lisa doesn't have that much pride and ego flowing in her being, she wonders why it was so hard for her to ask a helping hand from time to time.
She stares at the knocked out Lisa on the couch, clicking her tongue in frustration. She's beside Ella, who's on the floor and currently playing with her baby toys that she chews on and throws haphazardly when she's done with it.
"Ma!" Ella utters loudly, staring at Jennie with curious eyes while holding up a stuffed animal. Jennie shifts her gaze to their little girl, she doesn't know what Ella meant, she's not really an expert when it comes to baby words.
Jennie only coos and rants to the baby, "yes, sweetheart, mommy Lisa's always tired." She pouts, patting Ella's head lovingly. "Please tell her to take a rest, okay?"
"Ma!" Their daughter replies, making Jennie smile. It's the only word their daughter knows to say.
Jennie continues to watch over their daughter while lisa takes her deserved sleep. Ella throws the toy in her hand, Jennie notices the baby's attention was focused on the toy that was a few feet away from her. She expects Ella to crawl but out of nowhere their daughter holds on to the sofa to help herself stand up, and slowly she starts taking her first steps.
Jennie's eyes went wide and her mouth is agape in disbelief, then sudden happiness and pride fill her.
"LISA!" She shouts. Her gaze never leaving their daughter. "LISA! OUR DAUGHTER!" She shouts again, louder this time.
"LISA! ELLA!" She shouts one last time, words stop forming in her mouth when the excitement she feels is overflowing.
Then Lisa suddenly jolted awake as if on cue, hastily sitting up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, then finally she sees her daughter walking. She gasps loudly and pads excitedly beside the 1 year old. Clapping her hands enthusiastically as she watches Ella slowly take her steps, and when the baby lost her balance she's there to catch her.
"You're so good!" Lisa animatedly tells the little girl, hugging her tightly like the proud parent she is.
"Of course, she has my genes." Jennie proudly says, her confidence manifesting.
"I almost forgot! it's auntie Jisoo's birthday and we have to go to her birthday party!" Lisa shouts, suddenly remembering an important event today. She carries their daughter in her arms and starts sprinting to the room to get her and Ella's clothes, towel, and Ella's baby shampoo and such.
"Careful!" Jennie shouts. "And put Ella down!" She adds. But Lisa's mind is too occupied she doesn't even notice the little girl in her arms. So she just continued what she has to get.
After getting all the things they need for a bath Lisa walks inside the bathroom and opens the faucet to let water flow in the bathtub. When the tub is already filled with enough water, she lets the faucet stop running, and starts to take the clothes off of her daughter, and also her own. She slowly goes into the tub, her daughter in her arms, and as soon as Ella feels the water on her skin she laughs and it makes Lisa smile, as well as Jennie.
Lisa normally leaves the bathroom door open when she takes a bath with their daughter. Jennie leans on the doorframe of the bathroom, admiring the cute sight in front of her.
"Ella," Lisa calls out their daughter's name. Ella looks at her with curious eyes.
"I'm not sure if you understand what I'm saying but," she pauses to put shampoo on the palm of her hands. "I want you to always know that I love you."
Lisa starts washing their daughter's hair. Ella smiling at the action, Lisa massaging Ella's head tickles the baby for some reason. "I love you so much that whatever you will be in the future, whatever you want to be, whoever you want to choose in your life, I'll always be there beside you. I'll be there in every step of the way." Lisa smiles as she watches how her daughter giggles and play in the water.
Their daughter's eyes shine so brightly, as if there's someone holding a light behind her eyes that makes them radiate a never-ending caramel sunset. She would too encourage their daughter to be everything she aspires even if it means she couldn't be a part of it.
"That's how much I love you." Lisa tells their daughter wholeheartedly.
Even if those words are directed to their daughter, she feels as if it's for her too. Jennie's heart feels so full, she couldn't ask for more. This lovely sight of her little family is more than enough.
If Jennie could describe Lisa as a parent, it's no doubt that Lisa is a very hands-on mother towards their little girl.
The moment Lisa unbuckles the strap on Ella's seatbelt, the little girl started to run toward the main gate of the amusement park, causing Lisa, also Jennie, to start running to be able to catch her daughter all the while Ella's bag, her purse, a bottle of water, and the torn wrappers of Ella's favorite chocolate were occupying her hands.
Once Lisa caught Ella she immediately holds the little girl on her left hand while the other things were on her other hand. Jennie clicks her tongue in frustration, Lisa wasn't the type to ask assistance, especially when it comes to their daughter. Lisa insists to handle everything all by herself and wouldn't even utter a word to any of her friends, Jisoo especially, that she's having a hard time. It would always annoy Jennie that it makes her want to come back to life just to smack some sense into Lisa.
If Ella was already animated in the car ride, she was now a hundred times louder than before the moment they enter the amusement park. Jumping, and cheering, and gasping at every ride and gift-shop she sees.
"Where do you want to go first, sweetheart?" Lisa asks. Walking on the colorful pathways, Ella wringing her pinky finger with Lisa's own. Jennie trails after them, the same cheeky and wide smile on her face the same as their little girl's.
"There!" Ella points at the carousel, jumping like an excited bunny, her pigtails bouncing with her.
"Okay," Lisa gives her daughter a soft smile.
Ella being the ball of energy she is untangles their intertwined pinkies, and before Lisa could even blink the little girl is already running towards the ride. It makes Lisa sprint like an athlete, as if she's on a competition, aiming to get to finish line first.
"Ella!" Jennie shouts, also running towards their daughter, she's not as fast as Lisa but at least she could try her best to catch up.
Ella bumps on a stranger's leg, making the little girl stumble on her steps. The stranger quickly holds Ella by her hand and steadies the little girl, preventing the toddler from falling down.
"Careful there," the stranger pats Ella's head. Lisa and Jennie finally caught up with their daughter. Jennie's panting while Lisa quickly crouches down and hugs the little girl tightly. Lisa looked like she might cry, the thought of losing Ella is equally as heavy when she lost the love of her life.
Jennie quickly checks on the little girl in Lisa's arms. She sighs in relief when Ella didn't have any scratches or wounds. Jennie's the parent who worries about even the littlest of cuts.
"Thank you! Thank you so much." Lisa breathes out, looking at the stranger with so much gratitude.
"No problem." The stranger says, waving her hand to dismiss the little help she's supposed to do. "Is she yours? She's such a cute and pretty girl." The stranger smiles at the little girl who's holding on tightly to Lisa.
Lisa gulps at the question, feeling hesitant to utter a reply, and Lisa hates herself for feeling like this. Ella is her own, has always been and will continue to be, but why is she having a hard time to say a simple yes?
It would've been easier for Jennie to answer this question, she's the one who gave birth to their beautiful little daughter, the one responsible for bringing an angel into Lisa's world.
But Ella's also Lisa's. She's Lisa's as much as she is Jennie's. She's a parent more than Ella's biological father will ever be. She's a mother more than she'll ever be, even if this truth hurts.
Lisa's the person Ella has always looked for in every crowd. The voice ella always wanted to hear when she wants to listen to bedtime stories. The face Ella wanted to see every time school's finished. The warmth Ella always looks for when she's not feeling well or when she's having a bad dream.
She's Ella's favorite person, Ella's first love, and most importantly she's Ella's mother.
Jennie wants to yell that Ella is hers. Ella's hers in more ways than one.
The little girl hugs Lisa tighter, she thinks she had made her mommy upset for running away from her. She never wants her mommy to worry and be sad. She curls her pinky finger with Lisa's bigger one, holding their fingers together near her chest. She looks at Lisa with a soft and reassuring smile.
Jennie thinks Ella could put the stars to shame with how much light that radiates off of her daughter's smile.
Lisa feels her chest constrict, but then she shifts her gaze to her daughter when she feels Ella's warm embrace hold her. The feel of their pinkies together and the sight of the little girl's smile was all she needed to gain renewed and steeled confidence.
"Yeah, she's mine."
Lisa stands up, never letting go of her daughter's hand, and does a quick bow to the stranger before they left off.
Jennie feels bliss drape around her when those certain words came out from Lisa's lips. She follows up to her little family and loops her arm around Lisa's, happily resting her head on her lover's shoulder as they walk towards the carousel.
Ella peacefully sleeps in her carrier at the backseat of the car. The little girl's tightly holding on to the stuffed Appa that Lisa won for her in one of the game booths at the amusement park. She pleaded her mommy to win it for her, and Lisa had no choice but to say 'yes' to her daughter. Lisa wins it for her after spending thrice as much the stuffed toy is probably cost in toy shops.
Jennie notices that Lisa kept stealing glances from the rearview mirror to check on their daughter. "Lisa, eyes on the road." Jennie scolds firmly, eyeing Lisa with a steeled gaze.
After a brief moment, Lisa steals a glance once again.
"Lisa!" Jennie scolds again. But her frown suddenly softens as she sees the corner of Lisa's lips tugging into a smile. She wonders what got her lover turning into a mush.
"You really are Jennie's..." her voice trails off, her tone was soft and kind that it surprises Jennie because her own name wasn't acquainted with bitterness this time. Most of the time when Lisa talks about her or the mere mention of her name, the girl would usually be sad and bitter, so this was something new.
Lisa notices Ella wriggling her lips while she peacefully sleeps, and it reminds her of a certain someone. Actually, there are habits that the little girl has picked up from Jennie that vividly reminds Lisa of her. Like the way she would wring her pinky with Lisa's own, when she wriggles her lips when she's asleep, Ella boops her nose when they're lightheartedly poking fun of each other, and her smile, especially her smile. It's the little things really.
It's always been the little things that make her miss Jennie.
"She's ours," Jennie says. A content smile on her face.
2016
Lisa exhausted plops down on the couch beside Jennie, who was busy munching on the mangoes Lisa bought for her. She had asked Lisa about an hour ago to buy her mangoes, since she's been craving it for the past days, as soon as Jennie asked the favor Lisa hurriedly runs outside of their apartment to look for the best mangoes in town. When she came back, different plastic bags of mangoes were in her hands, telling Jennie that she had bought the fruit from the grocery and the vendors on the market, wanting to make sure it would fit Jennie's taste.
Lisa had been the best partner she could ever ask for.
"thank you, honey." she kisses Lisa's cheeks.
"anything for you and our baby."The latter replies, wrapping her arms around Jennie's figure, resting her head on the junction of her lover's shoulders and neck.
"Lisa," Jennie calls out for her.
Lisa hums in reply.
"I want to tell you something," Jennie says, and this makes Lisa immediately sit up properly. The taller girl feels nervous all of a sudden.
"it's nothing serious," Jennie laughs it off, waving a dismissing hand. Lisa sighs heavily in relief, Jennie laughs at how dramatic she could be.
"uhm, If I'm being honest, I really had doubts if I should keep the baby in the first place, you know..." her voice falters word after word. "I lied to you about being confident about the responsibility." Jennie says, wearing her heart on her sleeve.
"lower your voice down, Ella would hear you." Lisa scolds her in a whisper, covering the sides of Jennie's belly like it's their daughter's ears. Jennie can't help but release a soft chuckle. "be serious for once." she playfully shoves the woman beside her.
"I am!" Lisa argues. "I don't want to hurt our baby's feelings." she murmurs, pouting at the thought of hurting their daughter.
"Ella would be fine, now can you listen to me?" Jennie asks kindly. Lisa nods obediently.
"so, going back, I was scared shitless, you know. That time my parents didn't know about it, I was so scared of what they would say to me, I had enough of their disappointment. That time when we met each other at the department store, I was so confused about whether to keep it, so I started looking at baby stuff to give me some sense of confirmation, I want to feel what it's like to be an excited mother for her firstborn, but it felt so hard because I was going to be a mother because I was indecisive and careless." Jennie pauses momentarily, and Lisa holds her hand for comfort. Jennie smiles and continues on, "Then you came, we talked again after the past 2 years of being away from each other. You were there, you let me in and accepted me without hearing even a hurtful word from you."
"you still love me like nothing changed."
Jennie feels like crying, but she hides it by laughing it off. "You gave me the courage to start this little family."
"why? why did you let me in without much of a thought?"
"You know, the 2 years when you were away was enough for me to know that you're the person I want to spend a lifetime with." Lisa answers truthfully. "you're the person I can see myself with for a long time, the person I could see when I think of building a family."
"that I promised myself that I would have you back no matter what happens. No matter what shape or form, I wanted to have you back in my life. So, without a doubt I accepted you as you are and will continue to love you for whoever you will be." she tells Jennie without a trace of hesitation and doubt in her words.
"the same goes for the child you're carrying. I will love our daughter the same way I love you."
Lisa carries the toddler to their home, the little girl is still asleep in her arms. It took Lisa quite some time to get to their apartment, she was having a hard time carrying Ella while also carrying their bags and the gifts and souvenirs they bought from the amusement park.
Once she finally stepped to their home, she quickly lays Ella down on the couch and fixes their things on the dining table.
After a few minutes, Ella wakes up, slowly getting down from the couch to pad towards Lisa. Lisa was about to ask her daughter why she suddenly woke up but she was cut off when she heard Ella's stomach grumble, making her sniffle a laugh.
"I'll go order some food, okay?" She says and kisses the toddler on the cheek. Ella nods and runs to the couch, she opens the tv and watches cartoons, patiently waiting for the food to arrive.
It only took 20 minutes when the delivery guy was already knocking ot their door. Lisa walks toward the door and opens it, thanking the delivery guy and taking the food from his hands.
"Uh, Ella." Lisa calls out for her daughter who's still watching tv. "Can you please get mommy's wallet. It's on the table."
Ella shouts an "okay" and does as what she's told. She starts to walk towards the door, the wallet in her tiny hands. Lisa's attention is glued to the delivery guy, he tells Lisa that she has a cute little one and she thanks the guy's kind words.
Ella then drops the wallet on the floor, causing a few things to drop inside of it, like a single credit card, some receipts from the grocery, and a picture of a woman Ella's quite familiar with. Ella scrutinizes the picture but Lisa suddenly called her and she hastily picked up the wallet to give to her mommy.
Once she did her deed. She went back to pick up the other things she dropped on the floor. She puts the credit card on their dining table and the receipts in the trash, but she keeps the picture in her hands. She sits on the couch and continues to stare at the familiar woman in the picture. She smiles when she remembers her.
Lisa thanks the delivery guy one last time and closes the door. She places the paper bag filled with food on the table and calls for Ella. When the little girl didn't answer she went to fetch her on the sofa, she sees Ella looking at something in her hands.
"Ella, what's that?" She asks and Ella gives Lisa the picture in her hand.
Lisa feels her heart clench.
"Where did you get this?" Lisa asks softly. She could feel her hands shake slightly.
"It dropped from your wallet, mommy," Ella tells her the truth. And at the exact moment Jennie walks inside their home, she stayed outside for a little wanting to admire the stars for a brief moment.
"I know who she is, mommy." Ella smiles sweetly. Pointing at the picture. "Mommy Jennie."
Jennie covers the astounded gasp that came from her mouth. She's completely frozen in her place.
She knows me...
Lisa continues to stare at Ella's innocent eyes. "H-huh..." words seem to get stuck in Lisa's throat. She feels her heart pound recklessly in her ribcage. She's trying to compose herself but she's shaking too much right now to even get a hold of her composure.
"H-how did you?" Lisa's so confused. She tries to remember when did she mention her name to her daughter, she did earlier in the car but she's sound asleep, it's impossible. She racks her brain for answers, she thinks of Jisoo but she knows her friend wouldn't do that. Lisa is stunned and mum, she only continues to stare at her daughter with shocked and curious eyes.
Jennie covers her mouth as if it would retain the sobs already coming out of her mouth.
Jennie's aware this is her own doing, and not anybody's.
Ever since Ella was born she had always latched unto their daughter, most of the time lingering in the corners and sometimes beside her. It was only natural for a mother to linger around when she wasn't even given the chance, just a tiny chance, to hold her own child in her arms. She wasn't able to touch her daughter, wasn't able to feel her. And whenever she touches her it's only a wisp of cold air. Ella only feels cold even if Jennie's love is full of welcoming warmth.
She promised herself that she's going to leave after seeing Ella walk. She only wanted to see their daughter walk. But then, she wanted to see her walk, run, talk, eat by herself, go to school.
She wanted to experience all of Ella's first.
Jennie knew she had to go. But she wanted to stay just a little longer. Just a little bit longer.
She's stuck with Ella, and especially her Lisa, for so long.
Her Lisa who she had to watch work at ungodly hours, too busy editing and fixing the photos for her clients. Her Lisa who had barely eaten, only shoving her food from side to side, wanting nothing more than to get up and leave. Her Lisa who had cried and sobbed uncontrollably at the dead of the night. Her Lisa who zoned out on a crying infant Ella, a bottle of milk in her hand and her bloodshot eyes blankly staring at nothing, wondering what the hell she should do next.
Her Lisa who had to start from scratch to rebuild the life from the one she had lost with Jennie into a life she has to gain with Ella. Her Lisa who had to move on by removing all of the traces she left behind until it seems like she was never there at all. Her Lisa who had to go through and fix all the heartbreak she had left her behind.
"Mommy Jennie's really pretty mommy." Ella smiles. Her gaze then finds Jennie's own, her smile grew wider.
"Yes, she is. She really is." Lisa says, muffling her sob. The more she looks at their daughter the more she sees Jennie. The more she sees the resemblance that's always been there. And it's only making her yearn for the love she lost so suddenly and without a goodbye.
"She's here, mommy," Ella says, and Lisa feels her throat parched. "She's behind you."
Lisa slowly looks back at her but sees nothing. "She's there," Ella assures and Lisa truly believes her with all her heart.
"Jennie..." Lisa drawls. Feeling the dam in her eyes, the thing she built for years to defend the outbreak of her tears, crumble into nothingness. Letting herself feel the emotions that she's kept for years.
She gulps heavily, "there are so many things I want to say." she mutters.
Jennie listens.
"But all I want is for you to know that what happened isn't your fault, okay?" Lisa comforts her when it should be the other way around. She continues to listen. "I know that you've been saying sorry ever since. Though I can't hear you, but I know you enough."
"I miss you every day, and I'm sorry for trying to erase you." Jennie only nods, unable to say anything because of the amount of tears racking her body. "I'm really sorry..." Lisa feels the guilt that had always resided in her heart.
Jennie never blamed Lisa for putting her existence into shadows. Has never blamed Lisa for concealing her own being to Ella.
"But I love you, okay? I love you so much. You and Ella."
Jennie wanted to take the pain away. She wanted to kiss her, to embrace her, to comfort her. But all she could do is listen and maybe that's enough, yeah, it's enough.
"What is mommy Jennie doing?" Lisa asks, shifting her gaze to Ella.
"She's smiling. It's so wide, mommy. Mommy Jennie looks happy." Ella tells her.
The acknowledgment of her daughter and the closure from Lisa was enough for her to decide that it's time to go. For years of loitering around her family, only watching from the sidelines, her daughter finally knows her for who she is. Ella called her mommy Jennie.
She feels so complete than she has ever felt before.
"Goodbye," Jennie says. "I love both of you, always remember that." Her voice is wavering but Ella perfectly understands her.
"Mommy Jennie says goodbye." Ella sadly says. Lisa nods in understanding, it hurts to know that Jennie has to leave again but at least she finally gets to tell her that she loves her.
She starts walking out of their home of many years. She steals one last glance at her little family, content, and happy for leaving a little one for Lisa to always remember her by. Ella brings oxygen to Lisa who felt like there was no air left when she left them.
Ella waves her tiny hands at her, Lisa doing the same thing. Jennie waves back with a smile.
Then she leaves one last time. But at least this time she has said her farewell.
"You deserve to know about her," Lisa tells Ella. Cradling the little girl's face. Ella smiles at that.
"I'm sorry for not telling you about her." She apologizes sincerely.
"It's okay... mommy Jennie always protect me," Ella tells her.
"She does. Yeah, she does." Lisa cries, still smiling at Ella as she lovingly soothes the girl's bangs.
"You know, mommy Jennie likes locking her pinky finger with mine. Just like you." Lisa smiles. Finally letting herself remember the good memories that she kept away in the farthest and dusting shelf in her heart.
"Really?"
"Yeah," Lisa assures. "And you know, she loves you very much."
"I know," Ella says full of certainty. "And she loves you too, mommy."
"I know."