Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

This trip was different. She didn't feel anything at all, nothing but the weight on her chest.

The moment Lisa's already stepping foot in Korea it was only that time she ever wondered why the hell she would even let herself go to a foreign country without having enough knowledge of its language, its culture, and its history. She wondered why she decided to put herself back to square one, back to the starting line of life, back to creating a foundation. She wondered why she put herself in that mess once again.

She was already doing alright in Thailand; she has her family there, her few but reliable friends, and somehow good memories.

It was her home. A place where she feels comfortable. Life was easy there. She didn't had to worry about anything.

Thailand was her comfort zone, a safe and all-too-familiar space.

But now, she's already standing outside her assigned dorm in a university in Korea: her heavy luggage just beside her, an equally heavy backpack on her back that feels like it could break her spine at any moment, and the overflowing weariness that she feels about having to adjust in a place she barely knows.

She hasn't felt this nervous for a while.

Thailand was comfortable and secure as it is, but if she didn't go where she is right now, a part of her would feel incomplete.

Lisa releases an even and composed breath, but her hands are slightly shaking as she puts the key on the doorknob. Sure, she isn't as prepared as she thought she was, adjustment and change came so abruptly the moment she stepped foot in another country, she didn't have time to think or react before submerging her whole being into new waters.

She didn't have all the answers right now, and that's alright. Eventually, things will fall into place. It only takes a matter of time and Lisa hopes it'll be as sooner as possible.

She hears the click of the now unlocked door, though Lisa feels this impending doom for some reason, she has to have at least enough confidence for herself. She chose this and she has to bear whatever this journey will throw at her.

She takes one last heavy inhale and finally opens the door. This felt like a metaphor to Lisa for some reason.

The moment the door opens it revealed a sight that is completely unflattering... and intrusive.

She didn't expect life to throw something at her so damn early in this new journey she just stepped foot on.

She stood there completely frozen. The warmth she feels in her cheeks earlier from the nervousness suddenly turned sub-zero. Her body stiffened like she just looked at Medusa in the eyes then eventually her fate would obliterate since she's just a damned rock now.

Her supposed roommate—Who is really pretty. She’s beautiful. The kind of beauty that socks you in the gut and makes you impossibly small — was on the bed. Hair messy, mouth opened in heated delight, and she's whining in pleasure, while a guy is on top of her.

It looked like a porno, or whatever that looked like—Lisa doesn't exactly know what's going on in a porn video, she doesn't really have the guts to watch one, which is silly, she knows, since everyone in her age probably have watched one.

Lisa, whose eyes are currently about to fall from their sockets, quietly closes the door to let the couple have their peaceful intercourse going on. The guy had only noticed her when the door's already half-way close, he jumped away from the pretty girl as quickly as possible which completely startled her roommate laying on the bed.

"WAIT!" She hears him shout, but Lisa doesn't know what he said, she can't speak Korean for god's sake.

She had already closed the door and starts walking as fast as she can, her luggage rolling with her, and her backup bouncing slightly as she takes long and fast strides. The heaviness of her luggage suddenly disappeared.

When Lisa got back to the first floor, the supervisor of the dorm raised her brow at the still horrified foreigner.

"Did you see a ghost? I've worked here long enough to know that there aren't any reports of paranormal activity here." The old woman tells her in perfect English.

Well, it looked paranormal to me. Lisa inwardly says to herself.

"Uhm, I think you gave me the wrong room..." Lisa mumbles, scratching the nape of her neck awkwardly. The scene earlier still won't dissipate in her head. She gives the dorm key back to the woman behind the desk.

The woman checks the number written on it and types it on the computer. “You’re Manoban, right?” she asks diverting her attention back to the tall girl. Lisa nods as a reply. “It’s your room.” She says full of certainty.

Of course! Of course, it's my room! Lisa shouts in her head. The dorm room records in the computer already rectified her doubts. She lets out a defeated sigh.

"Well..." Lisa gulps nervously. She's really glad the woman can speak in fluent English so she could explain herself more freely without a language barrier in the middle of their conversation. "Can I have a different room then?"

"No, you can't. All the rooms here are already fixed.” The woman replies, a faint apology in her tone can be heard.

Lisa feels her shoulder slump at the woman's reply.

"But there's nothing wrong with your room, though." The lady says, crossing her arms, staying on her ground, her steeled gaze intimidating Lisa to her very core.

"Well... there's a boy-" before Lisa could finish her sentence her supposed roommate and her roommate’s boyfriend's arrival cut her off. Their agitated and after-sex looks’ sudden appearance interfered with Lisa and the dorm supervisor's debate.

"Jennie?!" The woman had yelped in disbelief when she sees Lisa’s roommate, whose name is Jennie, with a man beside her.

"Mrs. Choi I-I can e-explain!" Jennie stuttered. Though Lisa didn't understand her she noticed the great panic residing in her eyes, she looks like she would break down at any moment.

"No need!” Mrs. Choi sighs, disappointment written on her face.

“You just had to violate that rule, Jennie. And to think it would come from you is really shocking." The old lady reprimands the pretty girl. "I'm sorry but I have to tell this to the school's principal and have them inform your parents about this issue."

It seemed like all the energy and liveliness got sucked out of her roommate’s body. Her teary gaze fixated on the ground.

Lisa feels the guilt clawing painfully in her chest.

"Jackson, you should go now." She quietly hisses at the boy after the long and tensed silence encompassed them.

Lisa silently and awkwardly stands in the corner as the scene unfolds.

When the boy had already exited the building, Mrs. Choi continued scolding Jennie, the old lady manifesting an aura of an angry mother.

***

The two college students walked together to their respective dorm. Lisa secretly steals glances of Jennie's face, wanting to read the emotion the other girl felt so she could at least apologize and make up for it. But Jennie's face was just blank, but her eyes tell another story.

Lisa couldn't conclude or comprehend anything about her right now, she just started reading the book that is Jennie herself and she hasn't even gotten past the prologue yet.

Perhaps one day, she'd be able to know her like the back of her hand.

Lisa gently closed the door of their dorm, being the one who trailed behind Jennie the entire silent and angst trip to their dorm room.

After mustering enough courage to look at her roommate's eyes she sees Jennie only glaring at her while sitting on the foot of her bed.

"You shouldn't have done that..." Jennie tells her. Her words are firm and steeled. Though Lisa didn't understand what she was saying she felt horrified, she could tell by the heaviness and anger that Jennie's voice carried.

"You shouldn't have run to Mrs. Choi. You could've said something. You could've talked to me." Jennie looks like she's about to cry. And Lisa wanted to at least offer some sense of comfort but the position they're in is not the best as of now.

"Now I'm in big trouble because of you!" Jennie's voice is threatening but it falters at the end. The girl cradled her face into her hands.

Lisa could see the weariness continuing to paint her face. "God... what would my parents say? They would be so disappointed at me..." Jennie sobs to herself.

"Uhm... you see, I can't speak Korean yet," Lisa fumbles with her words, not meaning to interrupt Jennie's monologue.

"Is it okay if... if you can repeat everything you said in English? If it's okay for you?" She says kindly, her voice wavered the longer Jennie continues to fixate her glare at her. She could feel the girl's gaze burning holes in her head right now. Lisa actually feels sweaty and clammy. Her roommate's eyes might hold superpowers Lisa may not know of.

Jennie only grumbles a curse, running a frustrated hand on her face. "Just don't talk to me! I can't stand you!" She says in perfect English before she walks out of the room, slamming the door at Lisa's face.||

The sudden outburst scared the shit out of the taller girl. But instant relief washed over her when Jennie was finally nowhere in sight. She could finally breathe without having to hold her breath for too long.

Lisa wished their first meeting could've been different.

Lisa has a few days to rest before she goes to her classes at the university. She's mostly been stuck in the dorm for those few days. Busy fixing the things inside her luggage, like arranging her clothes, things for her personal hygiene, also decorating the side of her room to make it feel homier, and the whatnot. She finally calls her dad in Thailand and tells him that she's doing fine in the place where she's at, her dad was glad to hear about her safety.

Also, in those few days, Lisa had observed that Jennie's a hardworking student and a very detailed person, which Lisa admired her for. Lisa doesn't usually judge people but the few days she's known Jennie she's certain that the girl is a spoiled rich brat, the typical over-exaggerated mean girls in western movies, but she's relieved to find out that she's actually not.

Turns out, Jennie’s just mean and intimidating. She went out of the dorm earlier, to just walk around the campus building and look around. Then she sees Jennie sitting at a lone table in the cafeteria, there were students looking at her like she’s some kind of jewelry for display.

Jennie seemed too perfect that other girls didn't want to befriend her, afraid that she might take all spotlight from them. She's too perfect that guys seemed to line up for her, like she was merely a trophy to fuel their ego.

If there weren't any classes Jennie's going to attend to, she would mostly spend her free time in the dorm to read chapters of her next lessons, and if she finishes all of that she'd clean the side of her room, making it more tidy and nice than what it looked earlier— which Lisa thinks should be impossible, but it seems like everything was possible for Jennie Kim.

Lisa being an obedient person she is actually does what the girl said to her; she indeed didn't talk to Jennie or said a single word to her, just like what the girl had told her to, or shouted at her.

So, Lisa's remaining free time left her stealing glances at Jennie and fixing her stuff.

Three weeks passed and there's still nothing.

Nothing's happening with the two of them. Lisa tried to open up small talks but Jennie always seems so disinterested that Lisa just shuts herself up when the atmosphere becomes awkward.

Lisa thinks that they wouldn't even pass the line of acquaintances.

A month had passed when Lisa asks Jennie for something, almost like a favor. She was as desperate as she could be.

"Jennie," Lisa softly calls out for the girl. Jennie only gives her a once-over. "Could you please teach me how to speak Korean?"

"No." The latter replies simply, looking at her with a belligerent expression on her face. The words are sharp and precise that it immediately pierces through Lisa's brain.

"I- okay..." Lisa just gives up.

Maybe she shouldn't have flown to Korea.

Days slowly passed by, and Lisa is still not making any progress with Jennie.

Until that one late night.

Lisa was already asleep, tired from her classes and from worrying about finding someone to teach her the language she's been dying to learn. Then she suddenly hears the dorm opening, and a couple of thuds that echoed inside the room. She ignores it at first, but being the light sleeper she is, she couldn't help but wake up at the sound.

When she sits up and swings her legs over the bed, the dorm's door is gently being closed and she sees a wasted Jennie on her bed. Clothes all wrinkly, she reeks of alcohol, and it's obvious from Jennie's face that she's knocked out.

At this moment, Lisa could've ignored her, could've just let her be, could've just slept in peace, and let Jennie suffer the consequences of a painful headache and the stench of alcohol and sweat in the morning.

But she couldn't.

She couldn't just sit there and ignore Jennie. She didn't want the girl to suffer first thing in the morning.

She quietly pads to the girl's blacked-out state. Soothingly rubbing circles on Jennie's back, trying to wake her up, "Jennie..." she whispers, shaking the girl slightly.

Lisa sighs, "Well, I think I have to take care of you all by myself then." She tells the girl as if she could even hear her.

"Okay, so uh," Lisa pauses momentarily, trying to make Jennie’s body sit up gently. "Oh, wait, I'll just get some warm water first. Just stay there and don't move, alright? I'll take care of everything." Lisa converses with an unconscious person. She gives a soft pat on Jennie's head and went to get the things she would need to at least clean up the wasted girl.

Lisa comes back with warm water in a small basin and a piece of cloth. She places the basin on Jennie's bedside table and helps the knocked out girl.

"I'll start wiping you no. I hope it's alright with you." Lisa tells Jennie, her voice is soft and assuring. She starts wiping Jennie's face first, trying her best not to add too much pressure on her touch, not wanting to wake the girl and maybe receive piercing mean words again.

This is the first time Lisa had been this close to Jennie's face, and she couldn't deny that her roommate's really, really pretty. She scrutinizes the girl's face while she gently wipes it with the soft cloth in her hand.

Up close, Jennie looked how you would expect a chaebol to look: hair carefully pinned and styled like she’s about to walk in a runway, infuriatingly symmetrical dash of eyeliner drawn at the corner of each of her cat-like eyes making it more piercing than it already is, and the cherry on top, a coat of red lipstick applied with precision. Jennie looked perfect, everything that Jennie seems to be is way out of Lisa's price range, and most importantly, way out of her league.

But amidst of all the grandiose that Jennie seemed to manifest naturally, she looked a little small and a lot beautiful. Lisa feels this strange feeling materializing in the cavern of her chest, for reasons she merely couldn’t understand. Even if Jennie was asleep, Lisa was afraid that Jennie could see what’s written on her face. Lisa hoped that this could pass, completely unseen, a secret she could easily keep just for herself.

"You know, if you smile more you would look even more beautiful." Lisa tells the sleeping Jennie, a soft smile plastered on the taller girl's face. "I-I mean, not saying that you're not good as you are, because clearly you are but... you get the point." her words are clumsy. Lisa couldn't believe that she's stuttering in front of a person who's asleep.

"I don't want to meddle with your privacy and all, so I'll let you use my pajamas." Lisa softly tells her roommate. Lisa walks to her dresser and pulls out a neat and new oversized shirt. "Don't worry, they smell good. You wouldn't have to worry about reeking of alcohol tomorrow."

Lisa then freezes when she gets a hold of the hem of Jennie’s top that looked too expensive. "Is it okay if I take your shirt off? I promise I won't look." Lisa vows, making a cross near her heart.

Jennie still doesn't reply.

"I swear, I'm not that kind of person." Lisa clearly clarifies to the still sleeping Jennie.

Lisa carefully takes Jennie's top off, closing her eyes at the skin presented in front of her. She hears a light chuckle echo in the serenity of their dorm. She slowly peer her eyes open to see where the sound came from, but no one else was there. Perhaps, there really is a ghost in the building.

She feels herself slowly succumbing to fear but when she steals a glance at Jennie, to see if she's awake, but turns out, she's still knocked out as ever, Lisa feels the corner of her lips quirk at the relaxed and peaceful expression the girl has. Jennie's face usually looked tense and serious, and that intimidates Lisa more than she already does.

The ghost could wait.

Lisa’s eyes accidentally peered at Jennie's raw and bare upper body, causing her to shriek quietly. Feeling an uncomfortable blush spread her cheeks, she hastily puts her shirt on Jennie, immediately pulling the shirt down to completely cover the girl.

"Glad, that's over." Lisa heaves a relieved sigh. God, she could feel herself turn blue, holding her breath for that long amazes her.

"I'll take your heels off now." She says. She gets off the bed, crouching down to take off Jennie's sharp stiletto heels on her feet.

"Do you normally wear heels?" Lisa asks, setting aside Jennie's heels in the corner of her bed. "There are bruises and small wounds on your feet..." the Thai pouts, a surge of empathy fills her.

That must've hurt so much.

Lisa gets up from the floor to walk towards her dresser once again, taking out an ointment and bandaids. She quickly returns to her position earlier, crouching down once again.

Lisa quietly tends Jennie's small wounds on her feet, putting an ointment to the spots where she could clearly see small scars, She finished it off by putting bandaids on the recent wounds that are slowly materializing on her sole.

"There, all done." Lisa utters, feeling proud of herself. She gently lays Jennie down, draping a blanket on the shorter girl's figure, quietly tucking her in.

"Goodnight," Lisa tells her one last time before going to bed. She tucks a loose strand of Jennie's hair in her ear and went to bed feeling relieved after that.

Jennie wakes up at the smell of food invading her nose.

She groggily sits up from her bed, wiping the sleep that's still in her eyes. When her vision got clearer she sees a glass of water and painkillers sitting on her bedside table. Her headache and nausea greets her next, groaning at the pain it brings her, she massages her temple hoping to ease it a little bit.

"Morning!" Lisa greets her, an unfamiliar but really appetizing food in her hands. "I just got back from the Thai restaurant near our dorm building. Here, I bought you some too" she gives the takeout to the latter, which Jennie took kindly.

She ignores the curious gaze Jennie continues to give her. "By the way, you should take the painkillers I put on your bedside table. You look like you're gonna die from that headache." Lisa chuckles softly, sitting down on the foot of her bed, her attention shifting from the food to Jennie then back to the food again.

"So, you really talk that much." Jennie tells her as she picks up the painkillers near her, the mean tone that was usually reserved for Lisa was nowhere in sight, which made Lisa really thankful, she didn't want to be intimidated first thing in the morning. An intimidating Jennie makes her shit her pants.

"Yeah... I do." Lisa mumbles. "Does it bother you?" she asks, slowly swallowing the food in her mouth in shame.

"Not really," Jennie replies before gulping down the rest of the water that's left on the glass. "I find it quite entertaining actually. I was getting tired of the silence that fills this place." She says. Lisa thinks she heard a tone of fondness in her words, or perhaps, it's just her imagination.

Lisa shifts uncomfortably in her seat, Jennie's studying her with an intensity that made uncomfortable. Her gaze is really something else, always piercing to her soul, sharp and precise, like most of her words are.

"By the way," Jennie utters, breaking the awkward silence that filled the room. Lisa fixates her attention to her.

"Thank you, for taking care of me last night. You even wipe all my sweat and changed my top into a comfortable one." Jennie tells her sincerely. For the first time Lisa sees her smile at her. "You didn't have to do that... I was mean to you the last weeks you were here. But you still took care of me." Jennie looks down, suddenly feeling guilty.

"It's fine," Lisa tells her, holding up a thumbs up and gives the latter an assuring smile. Jennie lightly chuckles at the Thai's full cheeks filled with food, she finds it quite cute. “I didn’t want to let you suffer first thing in the morning. That feels like shit.” She says, making Jennie chuckle and nod her head in agreement.

"Wait," Lisa pauses suddenly freezing in her sit, realization suddenly hitting her like a bunch of tomatoes after a bad performance. "You're conscious?! The whole time?!"

"Yeah..." Jennie drawls. "I was actually knocked out, but the moment my friend threw me on my bed that harshly I can't help but wake up, but I was too drunk and too tired to even open my eyes. Then you started helping me all of a sudden.”

Ah shit, she must've heard the shit I said.

"And as a thank you gift, I know someone who could teach you Korean. She's a friend of mine, the one who threw me on the bed like a rag doll." Jennie jokes. "Her name's Jisoo. I'll let you know her tomorrow."

Lisa cheers inwardly, she gives Jennie a thankful bow. Finally, she wouldn't feel like a dumbass most of time, she would be able to finally understand what people are saying.

"I would like to teach you but I'm really bad at teaching..." Jennie chuckles. "I'm impatient as hell. I might get to scold you a lot if I ever became your teacher."

Lisa releases a nervous laugh in the air, her face is contorted into a horrified expression. Jennie might not admit this but the childishness of her roommate is quite cute and entertaining.

"And," Jennie adds, garnering Lisa's attention once again.

"I'll smile more. So you could find me more beautiful." She teases. Laughing at how Lisa chokes on her water.

Lisa meets Jisoo, Jennie's friend and her now Korean teacher.

Lisa's confident that Jisoo is her first friend in this foreign country.

"Is Jennie really like that?" She sheepishly asks the person that knows Jennie well, while taking down notes and memorizing the sound of each consonant and vowel in her mind.

"What?"

"Like," Lisa pauses, imitating the infamous mean and intimidating bitch face that's always plastered on her roommate's face.

Jisoo laughs loudly at the spot on impression of her best friend. They hear the librarian's loud "Shhh!"at them and sees the judging gazes of random people inside the library, immediately shutting off Jisoo and has Lisa hiding her face in her books and notes.

When the librarian had turned her attention away, the two looked at each other, mirth swimming in their eyes, and a shit-eating grin that could annoy anyone.

"Why did you laughed that loud?" Lisa half-heartedly hissed at Jisoo, she could still taste the laughter in her mouth. She really thought Jisoo would be as mature and serious as her best friend, but she's glad she was completely wrong. She finally found someone that could put her at ease, someone that feels comfortable, amidst the still horrifying change that she chose to face.

"I dunno, your face looked funny." Jisoo teases, muffling her laughter at Lisa's offended expression. "I don't have to look for a clown if I have you.

Lisa lightheartedly frowns at that, acting offended. "At least, I'm not as short as a gnome." she fires back, a teasing smile on her face. Jisoo glares at her, burning holes on her stupid face. Lisa could've picked anything to pick on her for but she has the audacity to pick on the department she obviously lacked on.

Jisoo stands up from her chair, shoving Lisa with force. It was supposed to be a good-natured push but it sends Lisa falling unto her ass from the chair and the sound of Jisoo's laughter increased more.

They ended up studying outside the library.

It was their first session but they already got kicked out.

When Lisa met Jisoo again she didn't shy away from asking more about Jennie. Jisoo's the only person she knows where she'll get a plausible answer. An answer—though it wouldn't absolutely and wholly define Jennie as she is, but an answer that's close enough to let Lisa figure out her roommate— to Jennie's complexity.

"Can you please tell me things about Jennie?" Lisa asks Jisoo, playfully pouting at her, hoping her 'aegyo'— a new word she learned—would help.

Jisoo jokingly grimaces at her, looking at Lisa like the girl had just shit her pants. "You look stupid."

Lisa ignores the insult. "What's with Jennie?" she pushes on further. Her chin resting on the table, looking up at Jisoo with her beaming doe-eyes. Jisoo finds it adorable, reminding her of her dog, Dalgom. the sight makes her want to pinch Lisa's plump cheeks while cooing baby words at her.

"Why are you so interested with her, anyway?" Jisoo questions instead, furrowing her eyebrows in annoyance. Instantly pushing the thought of babying Lisa out of her mind. "If you could focus on your notes instead of Jennie, you could learn Korean immediately."

"I just... I want to know her, okay?" Lisa mumbles, slumping in her sit. "So, I would know how to act around her."

"I want her to be comfortable," Lisa says. "And I want myself to be comfortable, too."

"Well, Jennie..." Jisoo pauses, thinking of a better word to describe her best friend. If she's being honest she still can't read Jennie that easily, the girl's really just a complex puzzle to understand, even if they had been friends since 3^rd grade there’s always been something about Jennie that is so hard to decipher.

"She's hostile, okay?" Jisoo says the first word that appears in her head when she thinks of her best friend. "She never lets people in immediately."

"She's a tough one to crack...." Jisoo guarantees and Lisa sighs, defeated. Jisoo nods in agreement, continuing writing more Korean words for Lisa's vocabulary practice.

"And, she's perfect." Jisoo states, forward and certain, like there's no doubt that Jennie is far from them, far from being a human made up of sins and imperfections. "I mean, she has a tendency to be perfect."

"Mistakes and failures aren't in her system."

When Lisa gets back to the dorm a little late than usual, she goes home to a sight of Jennie intensely studying while different books are stacked beside her.

"Hey, are you gonna read all of that?" Lisa asks softly, quietly closing the door.

"Yeah, so I can familiarize what my next lessons are, so it would be easier." Jennie replies nonchalantly, never taking her eyes away from the book she's reading. "That's how I usually get the highest scores in my class." She says so simply like it's just natural for her to nail all of her classes, be it minor or major.

Lisa suddenly remembers what Jisoo had told her a few days ago. "Mistakes and failures aren't in her system."

She leans on the doorframe for a while, staring at Jennie with pity on her eyes, the thought of that burden seemed too heavy for anyone. Then, she suddenly thought of something that she wished could ease her roommate.

"Jennie," she calls out, walking toward the older girl. Jennie only hums in response. Lisa crouches down near the latter's bed, her doe eyes finding Jennie's intense gaze at the texts in front of her.

"What do you want?" Jennie half-heartedly groans.

"You should loosen up," Lisa softly tells her, a complete opposite of the firm tone in Jennie's voice.

Situating her hand on Jennie's book and lowering it down, slowly pushing it off the girl's hands. Jennie only narrows her eyes at her, steeling her glare at the Thai in front of her.

Jennie looked a little bit disarrayed, so much different from the girl she usually dresses up as. Lisa finds it enthralling that ‘The Jennie Kim’ could look so human. Jennie didn’t look like her perfect persona, she’s a little bit clattered but it made no sense why Lisa could feel her heart thumping so loud, why her palms started to become clammy all of a sudden, why an uncomfortable warmth starts to heat up her cheeks, and why she got suddenly tongue-tied. She’s not just beautiful, even though that was the truth, the world could flip upside down, and Jennie could still look like a goddess. Jennie’s not just beautiful but Lisa could find something else entirely, something that couldn’t describe by words.

"Come on, I'm gonna take you somewhere." Lisa beams at the girl, after staring shamelessly at her roommate’s face for a good minute.

Before Jennie gets to reply she's already being dragged by Lisa out of the comfort of her own bed. The taller girl drapes a jacket around her shoulders, and takes her hand, and laces them together before exiting the serenity of their dorm and heading out to the cold night of Hongdae.

Jennie feels a blush eliciting on her cheeks, she's not used to skinship and intimacy.

"Lisa!" Jennie hisses near Lisa's ears, untangling her wrist from the latter's grip. "You're gonna get me in trouble, and if that happens I'll bury your ass alive." She threatens, but Lisa tried her best to muster up all of her courage to face her really scary and intimidating roommate.

"Do you know we're not allowed to come out this late, It's one of the dorm rules." Jennie states, her tone authoritative and firm. It scares the living shit out of Lisa but all she just wants is for her roommate to feel at ease for once.

"No worries, I'm good at sneaking out." Lisa shrugs nonchalantly. "I used to do it all the time."

"And, you brought a man in our dorm. And that's also one of the dorm rules." Lisa fires back without much thought. She instantly regrets being insensitive once she saw how Jennie's face turned sour for her liking.

"Don't remind me of that mistake I did." Jennie reprimands. "I was- I-I," Jennie stammers, like it was so hard for her to form words, like it hurt her to admit a dumb mistake.

It was so out of character for Lisa, to see Jennie stuttering when she knows how certain and confident Jennie is with her own words, and her own being.

"I was exhausted, alright?" Jennie breathes out heavily. Lisa pulls her in one of the corners of the dorm, to avoid suspicious eyes that could catch them. "I needed someone to take my mind off of things, and my boyfriend was there..." She pauses, trying to build the composure Lisa thought she always had.

"I didn't know that was also the day you'll be here. And..." Jennie prolongs, looking at Lisa with apologetic eyes. Remembering how she became such a bitch to her, a person who's probably afraid in a foreign country she barely knew, and without thinking that much quickly lashed out at her. Jennie now only realized how scary that might be to anyone. "I'm sorry..."

Lisa softens, patting Jennie's shoulder in a friendly and comforting way. "It's okay." She says, not an ounce of resentment in her voice.

Jennie relaxes at the assurance. She thinks she at least deserved to be yelled at too, deserved Lisa's disappointment. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, she thinks. But Lisa didn't.

After all that bitchy attitude she gave her, Lisa still treated her with kindness and with such a warm welcome. Lisa somewhat became a sense of comfort, a reminder that Jennie deserves to rest, too.

"Just come with me. And I'll forget about your silly live porn show or whatever." Lisa teases, her eyes disappearing into twinkling crescent while she stifles a loud laugh.

Jennie couldn't help but pinch the girl, a small chuckle also manifesting in her lips. "Shut up." She mumbles sheepishly, a hue of red dusting her cheeks. She's not sure if it's because of the shameful memory of her boyfriend on top of her that day, or if it's because of Lisa's radiance that happens to light up the dark hallways.

She thinks it's the latter.

***

"Really? Street foods?" Jennie asked, her expression contorting into a stank face when they stopped at this side of Hongdae.

"I was kind of exploring the place yesterday and I found this treasure." Lisa beams, her hand gesturing at the dozens of food stalls, excited to try everything that she could find.

"Uhm, just so you know... I don't really eat street foods..." Jennie shyly whispers near Lisa's ear. Lisa was caught off guard the moment she feels Jennie's hot breath against her ear, she feels the same uncomfortable churning in her stomach once again.

"My parents didn't want me to eat foods from the streets. They said it's dirty or something." Jennie confesses, she suddenly feels like an overindulge person even when she knows she's not, the clawing feeling of shame elicits in her chest when she realizes how much privilege she's been blessed with ever since she was a child.

"Don't worry you won't die." Lisa chuckles. The corners of her eyes crinkling in mirth as she pats Jennie's head.

"Don't do that I'm not a pet." Jennie playfully slaps Lisa's hand on the top of her head. Lisa only laughs at her, and she couldn't help but join the girl. She releases out a silly giggle, shaking her head at the taller girl's childish antics.

"But you look like a kitten." Lisa teases, patiently testing the waters. She wanted to see if she could joke around with Jennie now, their relationship had its development, luckily.

"Shut up, you idiot." Jennie whines, pinching the taller girl's side.

Lisa only laughs at her again, it reminds her of a child throwing a tantrum. "Okay, okay, I'll stop." She tells Jennie, her giggles slowly disappearing.

"Now come on, we should try everything!" Lisa cheers, absent-mindedly taking Jennie's hand and starts pulling the latter gently to the variety of food stalls.

"I'm on a diet, though." Jennie sighs heavily, a pout then plastered on her face.

Lisa looks at her, and she was surprised that Jennie could actually look cute and adorable. It separates her from the Regina George persona she always wears. The corner of her lips slowly tugs into a soft smile, she'd love to always experience this side of Jennie.

"Stop looking at me like that." Jennie light-heartedly scolded her, pinching her sides again with her free hand.

This causes Lisa to snap out from her trance, Jennie's beauty really was something else. Lisa felt like she was caught in a spell and it scares her that she didn't mind not breaking away from it.

"You look like an idiot!" Jennie laughs loudly, she's now starting to warm up towards the girl, she's actually having fun teasing her.

If Jennie was being honest, it was surprising how she easily warmed up to Lisa. She didn’t know why and how that happened, she never let people in immediately, not even Jisoo who she had known for almost her entire life. But when it came to Lisa…it seemed so easy to just let herself cave-in in her presence. Perhaps, it's the way Lisa looks at her, with a tenderness that made her toes curl, or perhaps in which Lisa had reached out to squeeze her hand gently, so easy and familiar, as if they did it all the time.

Lisa would normally think of a comeback that could beat Jennie's mockery, but this time she lets Jennie win and let her have all the laugh she deserved. If calling her an idiot could make Jennie laugh this much, and make Jennie look so carefree, she wouldn't mind anymore.

Lisa thinks Jennie deserve this reward for always working so hard.

"Jendeuk has been soft these days..." Jisoo thought out loud. "Like, I'm not feeling the full force, hundred-percent, queen bee vibe from her."

"Huh... what do you mean?" Lisa asked in Korean, totally confused at what her friend meant. It's been about 5 months since their first Korean lessons and Lisa's proud to admit to herself that she's getting much better, and she can finally understand most of what people around her are saying without feeling too lost.

Jisoo looks at her first, a soft and proud smile curling on her face. "Look at you. You're able to speak the language now." Jisoo tells her, and it amuses Lisa because she doesn't hear an ounce of mockery in the latter's voice. Lisa smiles sheepishly knowing she made her friend proud.

Because of excitement and pride swelling in Jisoo's being she couldn't help but ruffle Lisa's hair in a loving way.

"You totally ruined my hair." Lisa playfully glares at her friend. Jisoo only shrugged and grinned at her.

"Your hair's always a mess, don't worry." Jisoo chuckles at her. Lisa pouts in response.

"Anyway, going back. What's with you and Jendeuk?" Jisoo finally asked Lisa, really curious on why Jennie isn't acting like the Jennie she knew.

"Nothing's happening." Lisa replied plain and simple, her gaze never wavering. Jisoo can tell that her friend's as genuine as she can be. She lets out a relieved sigh at Lisa's reply, though the latter didn't really notice.

 "We just started hanging out more. And we eventually got closer than the first time we both met." She shrugs nonchalantly.

And Jisoo thinks it's somewhat bullshit because there is this soft vibe that wasn't usually there that she recently sees in Jennie. But Jisoo only dismissed the topic by shrugging her shoulders away and completely changing the subject of their conversation.

"Anyway, how did you two even meet? I'm still curious why Jennie would act mean to a person she just met." Jisoo quizzes, eyebrows contorted in sheer curiosity. "Yeah, she's not the most friendly but she's not a total bitch either."

Lisa chokes on the tteokbokki she's chewing. That sight that she wanted to forget so much started flashing in her head once again. Jisoo who got startled quickly offered her friend a bottle of water and started to pat Lisa's back gently as she could.

After the choking incident, Lisa slowly turns her head to look at her friend, a terrified gaze plastered on her doe-eyes. "Uhm, you see..." Lisa prolongs. Which annoyed Jisoo more, she's been itching to know the gossip, hell, Jennie didn't even elaborate anything to her, all Jennie told her was how annoying and infuriating her new roommate was.

"C'mon spit it out!" Jisoo shouts at her, and at the same time, her hand that's still on Lisa back gave a forceful slap causing the younger girl to spill the embarrassing words sitting on her tongue.

"I walked in on her having sex!" Lisa accidentally shouted.

"What?!" Jisoo shouts, equally as loud.

The people inside the cafeteria gave them weirded-out looks and glares. The two girls suddenly felt small at the gazes they were receiving.

"What the actual fuck?" Jisoo quietly whispers to the younger girl, diverting her gaze from the eyes of the crowd and looking at Lisa's own instead. "In out of all times? No wonder she was about to pop a vein that day." She shudders, remembering Jennie's piercing voice, ranting angrily at a groggy Jisoo.

"I received the end of the stick because of you."  Jisoo hisses at Lisa, she takes a bite of her bulgogi before pointing her chopsticks threateningly at the Thai.

Lisa only laughs at that. "I think you deserved it." she teases, shaking her head at the silliness of it all.

Jisoo continues to stare at her, her piercing glare never wavering. But Lisa just finds it cute, not feeling a bit terrified.

"Wait you have something here," Lisa suddenly says. Before Jisoo even got to reply, Lisa's thumb had already found its way on her bottom lip, wiping a small remnant of condiment that got stuck there.

"There, all gone." Lisa smiles first before licking the sauce that she wiped from Jisoo's lips earlier.

Jisoo's glare completely shifted into a fluttered and alarmed gaze, quickly looking away from the younger one, discreetly hiding the red hue starting to sprinkle on her face.

Jisoo thinks this is what the butterflies in your stomach feel like.

Jennie was all alone in the dorm, Lisa's late than the usual time she normally comes back, the girl sort of takes the sadness away for a while, that's one of the things she's really thankful for. But right now, she's all alone and she wants to cry. It's so hard to read the texts in her book when she feels she's slowly drifting away.

Jennie was fairly popular and well-liked in college and yet she found herself feeling like an imposter.

she felt as if she's going through the motions: studying hard, getting the highest grades in her classes, never failing one subject be it minor or major, having a partner who looks close to perfect but feels as empty as an abandoned house, and continuing to please her parents that ask too much.

For years, she felt like that was her sole purpose: perfect and someone that everyone looked up to.

It all felt too much.

Too heavy.

Jennie had recently discovered that she was horrible at pretending and was becoming increasingly paranoid of any mistakes and failures. Her anxiety used to be tolerable but now it's starting to become unmanageable. And she hates it. She hates how she's starting to fall apart.

"I'm home!" She suddenly hears Lisa's announcement, the unbearable silence completely dissipated now that Lisa's here, causing Jennie to stray away from her vulnerable thoughts.

Lisa gently closes the doors and greets Jennie with a beaming smile on her face. It makes Jennie feel light, like the weight on her shoulders wasn't there just a moment ago. Lisa could sometimes put the sun into shame with how much brightness she could elicit.

"Oh, Lisa, could you please align your shoes properly on our shoe rack?" Jennie asks politely. Lisa smiles at her character improvement, if she told herself that Jennie would be this polite to the early months of her past self she would've laughed at her and would probably say that was impossible for Jennie to do. She remembers the first month she's dorming with her and being the messy person that she was pissed off Jennie more.

"Sure do!" She replies and does as what's she's told.

"You're getting good at Korean." Jennie comments, a proud smile on her face. She hides the exhaustion in her gaze by making her eyes turn into crescents as she smiles, though the corner of her lips doesn't really reach her eyes.

"Jisoo's amazing!" Lisa praises enthusiastically, which Jennie nods in agreement.

"She's really a great teacher," Jennie tells her. "learned a lot from her actually." Lisa smiles at that.

"By the way, you're wearing my favorite sweater." The Thai adds, pointing a finger at what Jennie's wearing.

"Oh, this?" Jennie pauses for a moment to look at the clothing she's wearing, it's yellow and has ducks on it and it surprisingly feels so warm and soft, it feels like a hug when you're having a bad day. Her gaze returns to Lisa. "Most of my clothes are in the laundry, so I might have borrowed this."

"No problem. You can keep it if you want to," Lisa tells her sincerely. The girl gently places the plastic bags on the coffee table, it's probably the Thai food Lisa always buys for the both of them. Jennie thinks the girl misses home a little too much at times, or maybe the familiarity puts her at ease.

"Really?" Jennie asks, a wide and beaming smile on her face. Lisa takes the sit beside her and nods her head.

"You look like you don't want to return it though." Lisa giggles and boops Jennie's nose with her pointer finger. Jennie playfully glares at her and does the same thing. Childish giggles echoed around their cramped dorm, then it died down after a few beats.

It was silent for a moment, Lisa scrutinizing Jennie's face. She notices the glint of radiance that usually elicits from Jennie was nowhere to be found.

"Hey," Lisa starts softly. Jennie fixates her gaze at her. "Are you okay? You look sad..."

"Yeah..." Jennie answers weakly.

 "Just tired, that's all."

"But it looks more than that, though." Lisa comments, her kind and soft gaze that brings Jennie too much comfort than she'd ever admit never wavers as Lisa continues to stare at her.

Jennie only looks down, not wanting Lisa to read the vulnerability swimming in her eyes. She absent-mindedly wrings her pinky with Lisa's own, playing with it to let her attention focus somewhere else.

It had been such a long day, after all. Such a long day and maybe Jennie admits how taxing this could be, the endless comparisons and insurmountable expectations. It causes her so much strain and exhaustion. This was the first time today someone had asked how she was. It was the first time someone had treated her like a breathing, and feeling human being, instead of an object where they can project their insecurities at, knowing how Jennie is so capable of being perfect in everybody’s eyes.

"You know you do these things you're not aware of, but you do." Lisa starts softly. It makes Jennie look at her. It makes Jennie listen. "Like, when you're happy you usually smile a lot. Then you laugh so loud that your soul bursts into little confetti. And when you're sad you usually stay silent, like you're not here with me at all. And the crinkles on your eyes aren't there."

Jennie could only grasp Lisa's pinky tighter, like her life depended on it, like it could hold her from breaking down. She never had someone who really paid attention. She was always deemed as flawless, someone who doesn't feel insecurity, someone that never felt vulnerability, someone that's always fine, like Jennie never experienced a storm in her life. She couldn't blame them, though. She had always kept her head high like she's wearing a crown, and because of that, people couldn't even touch her, or reach her. She was just up there that the others didn't really bother to wonder about who she truly was or what she truly felt.

They don't really know that the ace also had the capability to be at the lowest.

Then Lisa came into her life, and she couldn't believe that Lisa had made her feel that she's still human no matter how she molded herself into this unblemished caricature. Lisa felt like gravity that pulls her back whenever things feel like they're afloat and disarrayed.

Jennie finds it weird though, to feel this sense of unguarded feelings towards Lisa. She didn't spent most of her childhood with Lisa, unlike the way she and Jisoo were friends for as long as she can remember. And she didn't celebrated a relationship anniversary with her, unlike her boyfriend, Jackson. But maybe, years shouldn't really matter when she feels this safe with a person.

In some sense, it felt like coming home, perhaps.

"Jennie, it's the things you don't say that I really listen to."

And at that she throws herself into the ocean and lets the waves take her to that place of hurt.

"Everything feels so heavy and suffocating. Everything right now pressures me and I don't know what to do." She cries. She feels Lisa's welcoming embrace encompass her being, and she's thankful that it makes her feel that everything's alright even when it's not.

Silence again.

But this time it was serene and comforting, unlike earlier when Jennie was all alone. Lisa hugs her a little bit tighter but she doesn't forget how to be gentle, like Jennie was composed of fragile porcelain, and maybe she was, solid enough to hold but crumbles apart the moment she hits the ground.

And Jennie likes this, she actually loves this. It's been a long time since she experienced softness in her heart again, and she doesn't mind caving in anymore, this feels nice, she would rather have this than perfection.

"I just-" Jennie chokes on her words, and Lisa caresses her back soothingly, as if she was saying ‘it's okay’. "I want to live for myself, just for once..." she lets out. she deeply snuggles in Lisa's arm, wanting to feel more warmth and comfort that the girl could offer her.

"You know," Lisa starts, her voice as soft as ever and it brings Jennie peace. "We grow up always asking for permission."

Lisa feels Jennie nodding in her arms. Lisa absent-mindedly starts curling a lock of Jennie's hair on her finger. "Because of that we don't fully realize that there comes a time when we can have everything."

"Everything we've always wanted..."

Jennie doesn't know but for some reason she thought of Lisa as she hears that last sentence. She thinks of her, lately she's all she thinks about.

She doesn't know why, so she lets it go. There are things where we don't need any answers for. As of now her words bring her peace, it makes the disarrayed thoughts and anxiety float away for a moment.

"Everything that happens is from now on," Lisa starts humming a song, caressing Jennie's back with such comfort. It makes Jennie drowsy and want to succumb into sleep. " This is pouring rain, this is paralyzed…”

Jennie decides this might be her favorite song from now on. She makes a mental note to ask Lisa what song is she singing right now, maybe she'll ask her tomorrow.

***

Jennie’s surprised to wake up in the comfort of her blankets and mattress, she remembers falling asleep last night on their sofa. Lisa probably carried her to her own bed.

She looks around the room, looking for the person she wants to see first thing in the morning. Turns out Lisa's not in the dorm, she must've left early for a class. Jennie could only sigh, she really wanted to thank her for always being there and taking care of her.

She sees a post-it note plastered on her bedside drawer.

This is for all the times that you cried and I couldn't be there to hold you. To keep you safe. To keep you warm. To tell you that I'll be here.

P.S

I left early for a class, you haven't eaten the Thai food I bought last night, it's in the fridge. Just heat it up if you want. Hope you have a good morning :)

Jennie smiles at the note first before she embraces it, holding it tenderly near her chest. She lets out a dreamy sigh. She stayed like that for a while, reveling the care and comfort she gets just from a single post-it note from Lisa.

She sort of pauses for a moment, and contemplates what she did.

One,

Two,

Three heartbeats.

She notices that the beats were a little fast than usual.

And, shit.

That's when Jennie realizes that this time it felt different.

She felt different with Lisa, and she doesn't mind.

This isn't supposed to happen.

And Jennie realized that she couldn’t stopped smiling even if she tried to restrain her facial muscles. And she couldn’t have pulled away from Lisa’s grasp if she wanted to. And she certainly couldn’t look away from her no matter what distraction presented itself. She couldn’t stop thinking about her goofy, lop-sided smile on her face.

It felt wrong, it felt so wrong knowing she has someone, a boyfriend, but she also knew that it felt so right because she never once felt this type of intimacy with someone. And the thing was, Lisa had never even touched her, Lisa doesn’t even have to touch her to make her feel all the overwhelming emotion that wraps her whole being.

But amidst all the wrongness of it all, she feels something warm and wonderful unfurl in the cavern of her chest.

"Is there something you want to talk about?" Jisoo asks her best friend who seemed so disarrayed. "You look like you're constipated, Jennie."

"I-" Jennie starts but she wouldn't, couldn't form the words, still flabbergasted at the sudden revelation.

It has been 2 weeks since that realization happened, and Jennie couldn’t hold it anymore to herself.

"I think I'm crazy for someone," Jennie spits out instead, still not wanting to admit that she likes Lisa, that she likes a girl.

"What's new?" Jisoo only chuckles, shaking her head as if she already knew who Jennie was implying. "I know you're head over heels for Jackson. You don't have to remind me-"

"That's the problem," Jennie counters hastily and almost aggressively which caught Jisoo off guard. "It's not him..." Jennie wants to cry, she feels like she's going to have another breakdown, and she's knows she's too exhausted for that but it felt like a need.

"Oh," was all Jisoo could reply. Not really knowing what to say. Jisoo had always thought that it will be Jennie and him in the end. Though, she had always kept to herself that Jackson didn't really deserved her best friend, but Jennie looked happy, too happy, that sometimes it seems too forced.

"I don't know what to say, Jen..." Jisoo scratches her head. "But all I gotta say is be honest." she advices and Jennie listens.

"To yourself, to your boyfriend, and to that person you say you're crazy over." Jennie's thankful that Jisoo's not only smart but her best friend's also wise, she's thankful that she has someone to run to when she's having a hard time making decisions for herself.

It was silent for a moment, but it felt like a lifetime. This is the first time the two best friends have felt this inexplicable tension in the air.

"Jennie," Jisoo calls for the latter's attention. Jennie could sense the tremble in her voice. "I also like someone. And I want you to be the first person to know." She opens up, that little glint of hesitation laced on Jisoo's voice.

Now Jennie's the one caught off guard. Jisoo barely felt something beyond friendship for someone ever since they were high schoolers. She had always thought the girl would end up as a single dog lady or whatever.

"And I want your opinion,"

Jennie listens attentively.

"Blink if I should ask Lisa on a date." Jisoo asks her, her eyes pleading for an answer. She couldn’t think of any more words, so she said the first random thought that came to her head.

Jennie feels her heart drop. She doesn't blink at all, and Jisoo still waits for an answer.

It's been like that for almost 2 minutes.

"Why aren't you blinking?" Jisoo asks worriedly, completely dismissing what she asked of Jennie. "You're eyes are already turning red."

Then Jisoo was hit with the realization. "It's Lisa isn't it?" She sighs, feeling heavy at the truth. "The one you're crazy over..." she clarifies to herself rather than asking Jennie for a clarification.

Jennie visibly deflated at her words, clearly sending the hidden meaning behind Jisoo’s words.

"Jennie, you could blink now..." Jisoo sighs, looking at her friend with pity. Jennie only shakes her head stubbornly while a lone tear drop slowly stains her cheek.

"I won't ask her on a date anymore," jisoo tells the latter, feeling her heart become heavy at her own words. She really wanted to though, to ask Lisa out and confess to her, and hope that the Thai also liked her back. She hasn't really felt this way for anyone, and the first time she does the world suddenly took the chance in a blink of an eye.

"You won't?" Jennie asks but it sounded more like a plea.

Jisoo nods. "I always thought you're as straight as you can be," she chuckles lightly, if Jisoo's heart didn't feel heavy as it is she would've teased the hell out of Jennie. "Then my stinky changes that.” Jennie couldn’t help but muffle a light laugh at the nickname Jisoo gave Lisa.

"What went wrong? Between you and Jackson" Jisoo asks curiously.

Jackson Wang was a quiet man, an excellent athlete, an obedient son, but an bsent partner.

Jennie only realized a week earlier that she knew nothing about her boyfriend. He was likeable, no mistake— with the visuals and perfect body portions he has. But the real issue was that the man she knew and the man they knew were not the same person.

Jackson was as pleasant as he is, but also emotionally stunted that Jennie was unable to engage with him on any real depths. He rarely got interested, chuckled but never really roared with laughter— she couldn't see the confetti Lisa told her about in someone else’s smiles. And he had always snuck off at every opportunity to go out with his friends, people who Jennie suspected know more about the man she was planning to see a future with. And in many ways she found him more infuriating than her parents.

Unlike her parents, Jennie wasn't certain if he ever loved her at all.

"It took me a lot of denying before I realized that being with him felt nothing. The feeling I was supposed to feel with him... I felt all of that with Lisa." Jisoo sees the evident gloss in Jennie's eyes, and that her best friend's breathing became shallow. She knows everything feels too much for Jennie, but she, too, feels the same way.

"We're together for almost 2 years, and I only knew Lisa for months but it already felt like a lifetime with her."

"You got it bad, Jen." Jisoo sadly chuckles, the corner of her lips barely tugged into a smile. She only glances at Jennie for a few seconds then returns to scratching the wooden table quietly.

"A part of me hoped that it didn't turned out that way, though." Jennie sincerely says, the heaviness in her voice could be heard from the way her voice stumbled.

"Why?" Jisoo asks in genuine curiosity.

"What would my parents think? What would anyone think?" Jennie asks Jisoo, but it feels like she's asking her reflection. "I know there's nothing wrong with the possibility of loving her but... most people think that there is."  She’s mortified by how her voice shook. Her nervousness said more about her fear and insecurity than she’d like to admit.

"Jennie," Jisoo starts, sighing first. "Your feelings are more important than anyone else’s, alright? Who cares what they think?"

"I do-" Jennie was immediately cut off by her best friend.

"But when you're already with person that feels like home you wouldn't mind anything else." Jisoo finished it for her.

Words: Jennie always cared about words, about what people would say. She loved the compliments and praises, it makes her feel like she's on top of the world, but other than that, it was a product of her hard work, it's a validation for the shit she went through to be where she is now. But she also thinks about the criticisms a little too much, and thinks of new ways to create such a high standard for herself that people will like her for. People's words became something that revolved around her ever since, she grew up always being the perfect daughter and role model, always the one pleasing people around her with her oh-so talents and model-like visuals.

Words, words, empty damn words, are the ones that hold her still.

Then Lisa... she didn't reached her with empty words that she grew up to digest in her system, but instead she reached her through her heart, she held her heart in the center of her palms, Lisa didn't need to speak about a promise of not breaking it, instead, she just had to look at her eyes and she knows she's alright.

Besides, the mouth only knew how to speak words, arguments and allusions. But the heart? The heart knows many ways to speak.

"Unnie!" Lisa calls out for Jisoo who was sitting on the bench just outside the cafe they usually go to for their Korean lessons. The older girl was blankly staring at the streets, Lisa thinks she's deep in her thoughts.

Jisoo blinks her eyes a couple of time before turning her head to focus her gaze to Lisa. She gives the girl a soft smile and a little wave.

Lisa runs to her like a dog who just saw their owner for a long time. A big grin was plastered on the girl's face and Jisoo couldn't help but laugh at the silliness and brightness she naturally radiates. Jisoo stands up from her sit to meet Lisa but before she even got to move her feet the Thai had already tackled her into a tight and warm hug.

"I missed you," Lisa tells her. She could feel the girl's lips turning into a beaming smile, just by the way her cheeks touches her head. "You've been so busy in the past weeks because of your test. And I kinda feel like you're avoiding me."

Lisa's words eased the awkwardness and intensity in the air that seems like she only feels between the two of them. It never fails to elicit a warm feeling in her chest, never fails to double up the pace of her heartbeat. She's afraid that Lisa might feel it, and afraid that the girl might know that she's the one that composes the music her heart sings for her.

Jisoo hides away her feelings with a laugh and a joke. "Avoid you? Of course, I'll avoid you, you're stinky."

"Hey!" Lisa pouts. "I wasn't used to the cold water at first. It's not my fault that it feels like summer in Thailand all year long." She protests, still not letting go of the girl in her arms.

"Whatever, stinky." Jisoo insists on teasing her in a good-natured way.

She lets herself succumb into Lisa's embrace. Reveling her scent and her warmth, wanting to tattoo everything in her mind, she can feel herself become maudlin if she continues to hold unto Lisa tightly. "Can we stay like this for a while?" Jisoo whispers, hiding the plea in her voice expertly.

"Sure..." Lisa tells her.

Jisoo tightens her hold unto the girl, wanting nothing but to stay in Lisa's warmth for as long she can. She feels her heart sink at the thought that she will never have her the way she wants to.

Classes ended early which Lisa was really thankful for. She really needed the time to loosen up. School's been a pain in the ass lately. So. she's now all slouched on their tiny sofa watching an illegally pirated movie she downloaded on their medium-sized flat screen tv.

Some of her classmates recommended the movie, she heard good comments about it but watching it now... it seems like the typical cliché heterosexual love stories. She'd rather fall asleep than watch this whole train wreck.

"Lisaaaaaaa!!!" She hears Jennie whine like a toddler. The second-year college student plops on the floor and buries her face on Lisa's clothed tummy.

The taller girl stiffled a chuckle, "what? You big baby," She teases and pats Jennie's head.

"I'm hungry..." Jennie grumbles. The vibration coming from Jennie's loud whines tickles her.

"We have food in the fridge." Lisa laughs gently pushing Jennie's head away from her tummy. "If you want, I'll try cooking for you. Such a baby even in that age." She giggles at the sight in front of her— Jennie with a huge pout on her face. Lisa couldn't stop herself from booping her roommate's cute nose.

"I want to go to a pojangmacha..." Jennie drawls on her words, trying her best to get Lisa to agree with her.

Lisa's actually tired today, class was tiring as ever and she just finished writing a really long essay on her creative industries subject. It was about how art is important to the world and to her and yadda, yadda, yadda. the question is getting tiring honestly, she has seen and heard that question for far too many times, but it's not like she had no other choice but to do it, I mean, that essay was somewhat an important percent of their grade and she didn't want to fail a major subject of course. Her supposed plan for tonight is to sloth around as much as she would want, but boom, Jennie happened and her plan was thrown out of the window.

Who was she to say no to that adorable pout, cheeks, and doe-eyes that Jennie shoves on her face? So, Lisa could only sigh and sit up from the sofa.

"You're lucky you're cute." Lisa lets out an audible 'hmpf'. She stares at Jennie for a good moment. The girl is currently wearing a spaghetti strapped top that seemed to get her attention.

Jennie paused, unable to contain the smirk that broke out on her face at the not-so-discreet fond glance.

she was pretending not to notice the way Lisa looked at the olive-toned expanse of her exposed skin with a shy and a kind longing gaze that made her heart race.

Jennie pinches Lisa’s cheeks before she stood up standing up to get a sweater, Lisa’s gaze is just making her heart increase the pace of its thumping.

Jennie immediately rummages Lisa's drawer like it’s programmed in her system, she knows by heart where the girl keeps her and jackets. Once she finds one of her favorite jacket of Lisa's she lets herself revel in the Thai's scent first before putting it over her spaghetti-strapped top.

"Hey, stop stealing my clothes." Lisa light-heartedly complains. Lisa wraps her arms around Jennie's waist, hugging the girl from behind and starts lifting her up to swing her around for a moment.

"They smell good!" Jennie shouts, couldn't help from releasing a laugh.

"LISA PUT ME DOWN!" She laughs again, as loud as ever. She starts hitting Lisa's arms lightly, not wanting to hurt the girl but enough to send a message.

"Okay! Okay!" Lisa laughs with her, gently placing her down on the floor again.

"I curse your height sometimes." Jennie pinches the taller girl's side playfully. "Show off!" Lisa only laughs at her face.

"C'mon, shortie, time's running and we don't want to reach curfew." Lisa smiles mischievously at her before picking her up again and starts to carry Jennie to the door.

"LISA!"

***

"It's really cold tonight." Jennie says, her voice shivered because of the temperature today. She hugs herself for warmth but it was no use. Lisa softly smiles at her and reaches for both of the girl's hand, Jennie looks at her with a curious and puzzled gaze. The Thai laces her fingers with Jennie's own, she starts blowing warm air on their hands, hoping it would ease the cold.

It didn't really did anything, it's funny and Jennie tries her best to not laugh. You idiot, she wanted to tease, but she didn't want to say that to Lisa. Maybe it's because of how proud and relieved the taller girl looks as if she's doing something, and Jennie didn't want to ruin that smile on her face.

And besides, the warmth Lisa gives her and the warmth she feels in her system because of the same girl was more than enough to get her through the cold night.

They've found a pojangmacha that was not as crowded. They entered the tent, Lisa politely letting Jennie in first with a follow up "m'lady!" which made Jennie shove her playfully for making her feel embarrassed, Lisa only laughs at her once again for the umpteenth time that night.

Once their orders are finished and already served to them the two started to chew on their foods with beaming smiles on their faces.

"You really like gyengmari and tteokbokki." Lisa comments, pointing at Jennie's dish using her chopsticks.

"Yeah, I'm a big fan of egg dishes, and tteokbokki is just really good." Jennie replies, still the same wide smile on her face that makes her lovely eyes turn into crescents.

Lisa hums, smiling at how Jennie looked so happy and content just by eating cheap foods. Ever since that night where she brought the chaebol for street foods, Jennie seemed to loved it which she finds quite ironic since the girl was whining about how she might not like any of it.

Lisa grabs her camera that's been dangling on her neck and captures a candid shot of Jennie.

"Hey!" Jennie smacks her. Completely fazed and surprised when she heard the clicking sound of Lisa's camera.

"It's an assignment," Lisa hides her shy grin while she looks at the picture of Jennie she just took. "Prof said we should take things that we think are beautiful." She tells Jennie sincerely, without any flirty tone whatsoever, she just wanted to wear her heart on her sleeve for her.

That shuts Jennie up, she feels the butterflies in her stomach being as jittery than usual. "Yah!" Was the only thing she could reply, completely flustered to form coherent words.

"Haven't seen you this flustered for a while. Is the boyfriend not taking you to dates?" Lisa asks curiously with a tone of joking laced within those words. she keeps her camera away and continues to munch on her kimbap while she looks at Jennie and waits for a reply.

"Well..." Jennie lets out a long sigh. She doesn't even want to think about her ex anymore, now that the girl all she recently thinks about is right in front of her.

"I broke up with him about 3 weeks ago, I think? Gladly, the break up didn't end badly." Jennie answers. Lisa was surprised, to say the least, to hear Jennie casually talk about the break up like she didn't spent two years of her life with him.

"You don't seem sad... I'm kinda concerned." Lisa laughs light-heartedly. She didn't want the atmosphere to be tense, this night was supposed to be fun and light, something to ease both of their stress from school and life in general.

"Well... the relationship wasn't something to be sad about in the first place, ya know." Jennie says. She's surprised all of her kept-truths are coming out of her mouth. It's funny, she thinks, the Jennie she was 2 years ago wouldn't even dare think all of this let alone spit those words out. She couldn't believe that in such a short time she felt what it’s like to live by herself and not without owing anyone.

"He was just someone that my dad linked me up with." She shares to the girl across from her. "He seemed so perfect in dad's eyes that I was sort of pressured to like him."

Lisa hums and continues to listen. "But in all honesty, he didn't really have any depths in him, something that I can find interesting other than his physical features or some shit like that." Jennie shrugs nonchalantly. Opening up all of this pent up feelings that she used to keep all by herself in order not to disappoint her parents was really refreshing, it felt like a ton was lifted from her chest allowing her to breathe freely.

"If your dad likes him that much he should've dated Jackass, or whatever his name is." Lisa jokes.

"Jackson!” Jennie corrects before she roared with laughter, Lisa couldn't help but join her. Jennie looks at the girl across from her, with an open-mouthed smile and a contagious laugh that embraces their circle, and all she could see was confetti floating around the girl like twinkling stars.

"Disappointing your parents is something you really avoid." Lisa comments when the laughter died down. The feeling of empathy manifests in her chest.

From the short time Lisa has known Jennie, it seemed like she was always trying to be on her best behavior, and Lisa genuinely, utterly, wished she wouldn't be. She really wished Jennie wasn't trying too hard to be this sanitized and censored version of who she really was. Jennie was more than a pretty face and a top-scorer, more than this proclaimed queen of their university. Lisa thinks she's kind, and nice, and pretty, and she's wiser than she normally acts when she's outside the confines of their dorm. Lisa couldn't help but notice all of these amazing assets the girl has, it was impossible not to, especially when she lives with her.

Lisa hopes there would come a time where she wouldn't be so hard on herself.

Jennie nods and purses her lips, the thought of the pressure they gave her just for living hurt her whether she'd admit it or not. "They gave me everything I could ask for, you know. And of course, I had to give back too."

"But isn't it too much?" Lisa questions, the slight change of her tone didn't go unnoticed by Jennie. The girl seemed pissed off at Jennie's somewhat fucked up life. "You're giving a lot to the point you’re losing a grasp of who you want to be."

"All my life, all I ever knew was to be perfect in everyone's eyes... I lived by their words and praises. It's all I've ever known, so can you truly blame me?"

Her own words makes her contemplate, then she realizes how her life wasn't really hers for the most part, and it's such a saddening thought.

"Hey," Lisa calls to her softly, placing her hand above Jennie's. "You don't have to keep up that persona with me, okay?" Lisa says it with so much warmth and comfort, it makes Jennie want to lean in and kiss the hell out of this girl.

"I'll accept you for whoever you are. Mistakes and failures and all." Lisa gives her an assuring and genuine smile before she continues to munch the bulgogi on her plate, the food she left last. Save the best for last, Lisa inwardly cheers to herself.

Jennie hates how this girl could casually say all those things like it doesn't make Jennie's heart want to break free from its ribcage for how fast its beating.

Jennie's in a cramped tent with a beautiful girl, and she couldn't tell her she likes her, but she really, really does. And it feels like she's done something terrible, like robbed a bank, murdered someone, or something that breaks the law, when in reality all she ever did was like a girl. She tries her best not to tell Lisa that she likes her, she swallows those thoughts, chokes down the feeling, and she feels herself tremble. Then Lisa looks up at her, and she only smiles at her with that unwavering kind gaze she always has, and it feels like a prayer that words aren't needed to communicate. She feels her heart taking root in her body like a newly planted tree that holds onto the earth like it was refuge, and suddenly it feels like she discovered something she didn't have a name for.

Jennie thinks that magic manifests in many forms.

Jennie thinks it's her.

Lisa groans when she couldn't properly zip up the bag she packed for tomorrow morning. She struggles for about 5 minutes before Jennie notices and sits down on the floor with her.

Jennie shakes her head first before pulling the bag from Lisa's hold. She opens the bag and sees the mess inside: her camera bag completely taking all the space, her purse literally looked like it was thrown haphazardly inside like it didn't contain her money, a few of her other things thrown without care too, and her jacket that isn't even folded and just squeezed inside. No wonder this girl is struggling and having a hard time.

"You're such a messy person." Jennie scolds her before pinching the latter's side.

"Ow!" Lisa yelps in pain, looking at Jennie with an apologetic gaze.

Jennie releases a deep sigh before taking the things out of her bag. It took a couple of minutes before everything was all set up neatly. Lisa cheers in gratitude and ruffles Jennie's hair, purposely messing the girl's well-kept and proper hairstyle. Out of annoyance Jennie pushes her with force and it sends Lisa stumbling on the floor.

"Where are you even going?" Jennie asks curiously, looking down at Lisa who stayed lying down on the floor. "Wait... are you leaving me?" The thought immediately scared the older girl.

"No!" Lisa chuckles. "You're so dramatic. I'm just going to Busan that's all." She shrugs nonchalantly, but Jennie notices the slight change of her emotion, but she'd rather not say.

Lisa watches as Jennie lies down on the floor beside her. "Can I come with?" Jennie asks softly and who was Lisa to say no.

"Sure, but we wouldn't probably going to sit together." She tells the girl, disappointment evident in her voice. "I already booked my ticket and all."

"That wouldn't be a problem."

"Why?"

"Just chaebol things." Jennie smirks. Lisa light-heartedly rolls her eyes at that.

"Did you really have to bring that big ass lunchbox?" Lisa asks when they've already sat down on their perspective seats on the KTX train. Lisa's on the window seat while Jennie's beside her, the girl's all dressed but not to the point that it looked too grand and flamboyant, just enough to catch anyone's attention. And it seems like Jennie's doing a good job because people kept taking once-overs at her and it feels like she's with an idol and she's just her mere bodyguard.

"Ungrateful." Jennie grumbles, a pout forms on her face and she sinks into her seat, being all sulky. "I prepared this for the both of us, especially you."

"Jennie, I'm going to a relative's house. Not kindergarten." Lisa chuckles. At that Jennie sulks even more, crossing her arms on her chest and avoids the Thai's gaze. "But thank you, really." Lisa tells the latter. "You really didn't have to."

Jennie finally looks at her, a shy but soft smile plastered on the beauty's face. "Just accept it as a gift. You know, for all the times you've taken care of me." Jennie tells her and boops Lisa's nose. Jennie chuckles at the way her seatmate crunches her nose.

After waiting for a couple of minutes the train finally takes off and heads to its destined route.

Jennie has never seen Lisa be giddy and beaming over something as simple as riding trains. She has never seen something so pure.

"Lisa," Jennie calls out. The Thai was busy taking snaps of the scenery outside, Lisa then turns her head at the older girl, the camera still on her face, sneakily taking a picture of Jennie.

"I know you took the picture," Jennie giggles, shaking her head at the girl's failed attempt.

"Sorry..." Lisa apologizes, a playful but soft smile on her face, not a bit least of apologetic.

"I've been wanting to ask you this..." Jennie opens up. Lisa slowly lowers down her camera, her full attention focused on Jennie, her eyebrows raised in curiosity.

"Why did you fly all the way here?" Jennie wonders in ever-increasing concentration."When you know how scary it was?" she’s really perplexed by the whole matter.

"I just had to, you know?" Lisa answers. The complete change of her mood was palpable. "My mom grew up here…" she says, her voice is strained and the words sound like it hurt to say.

Lisa breathed in and out, and for a moment that's all she could do.

Jennie takes her hand, and wrings her pinky finger with her own. Lisa gives her a thankful smile. "My mom, she grew up here in Korea." Lisa starts again, she dragged the words through her clenched teeth, surprised to hear the fragility in her tone.

"Then she moved to Thailand after working for a couple of years here after graduating. Thailand was her motherland," It's been a while since Lisa visited this memory once again, and being able to share it with someone felt nice, it made her feel a little light even if this memory could ever offer her was heaviness. "She wanted to create her family there. And she did. Me, her, and dad. We were happy, from what I remembered."

"Then I lost her when I was about... I think I was almost 6."

Jennie widens her eyes at the gravity of Lisa's admission.

"She had a stroke when I was in school, and when I got back home I wondered why it was so quiet and lonely, then minutes later my mom's best friend came to fetch me and told me how I'm going to stay in their house for a few days. She cried when I asked her about mom. You see, dad's busy with work, whenever I get home from school it was always mom who was always home, so I asked her whereabouts when I couldn’t see her.”

"Then I was told that she was gone. I didn't believe her, I waited and waited until it was time for the funeral and I realized that she's never really coming back."

"It was all so overwhelming. I was too young to understand what was happening."

"I never really knew her. I thought that maybe if I went here I would feel her closer to me. Like perhaps coming to Korea would feel like a mother's hug."

"But it didn't" then they were consumed by silence for about five heartbeats, and all Jennie could do was be there for her and let herself feel the same heaviness that Lisa had felt. "It still felt like the day I lost mom, lost and scared."

"I'm slowly forgetting what she looks like." Lisa lets out a shaky exhale. "And that's what I hate the most."

"Even if it's just bits and pieces of her were left to me, I felt that she loved me... very much." Her voice strained with suppressed anger at the truth, her eyes soft with remorse at the memory of her mother.

Jennie could only look at her with a heavy heart.

Lisa had stories to tell and a heart to bare, and Jennie couldn't believe her luck that Lisa trusted her enough to tell her all of this, something that she probably kept and suppressed for a long time. She's caught in Lisa's own universe, hanging onto every words, every syllable, every shift of her tone, every shallow or calm breaths. She's inching closer and closer, like a moth too mesmerized by a fire, she feels herself gravitate around the girl and Jennie doesn't know how she could get out if this rabbit hole she dug herself unto.

Then Lisa feels Jennie's lips on the back of her hand, it was just a quick peck but Lisa feels it burn, marking itself on her skin.

"Do you remember what you wrote to me?" Jennie rhetorically asks. Lisa only frowns at her as a response.

"This is for all the times that you cried and I couldn't be there to hold you. To keep you safe. To keep you warm. To tell you that I’ll be here." Jennie recites the words Lisa wrote to her that brought her so much comfort.

"You remember?" Lisa asks, her voice a little bit hoarse, a small smile creeps up on her face.

"How could I forget?" Jennie whispers but loud enough for Lisa to hear. Those words brought her so much comfort, and she hopes it could bring Lisa comfort too.

"Thank you. For being here with me. You and Jisoo, you mean a lot to me." She whispers, silently playing with their wrung pinkies.

She leans on Lisa's shoulder and holds the girl's hand tight enough to let her know that she's here and she doesn't plan on leaving.

***

They've finally arrived at the place where Lisa's mother spent most of her childhood and youth days. Lisa forgot how simple yet pretty her mom's home used to be, she's only seen it in pictures from a long time ago and it hasn't really changed that much, it looked well-kept and taken care of, but of course, no matter how much a person loves their home time would still slowly take away its beauty little by little.

The rust rooting on the gate are noticeable when they got a better view of the details, the dust and spiderwebs collecting in the corners of the house, and the once lively paint of the house are now fading and turning into a gloomy and dull looking color.

"You're quite nervous." Jennie tells her, taking a hold of her hand and lacing their fingers together.

"Yeah, I kinda am. I dunno why, though." Lisa replies back, the shakiness in her voice is palpable.

"I'm here. If that helps." Jennie softly smiles at her full of assurance. Lisa feels herself relax at that, her stiff shoulders falling into ease after a deep exhale.

After a few moments of silence Lisa deeply gulps first before she pushes the doorbell. It didn't took long enough when somebody comes out of the entrance of the house and opens the gate.

"And who might you be?" The middle-aged lady asks both of the girls. Her eyes squinting specifically at Lisa, her face looking all too familiar but she couldn't pinpoint how.

"Uh...I'm-" Lisa stutters, feeling uneasy at the flooding few memories that she knew of her mother.

"It's okay. I'm right here." Jennie whispers to her, caressing her back soothingly. Lisa looks at Jennie and gives her a grateful smile before facing the woman again.

"I'm Lisa..." the Thai starts. The lady raises her eyebrows, waiting for her to finish her sentence. "Lisa Manoban." At that the middle-aged woman covers her mouth in surprise.

"Lisa?! You look all grown up now I didn't even know it was you." The woman tells her, the aftershock still evident on her face. "It's been years, I'm sorry." The lady says, stepping aside to let the two girls in.

"It's okay." Lisa gives the woman a small smile. "By the way, who are you? I'm sorry, I'm not really familiar with mom's relatives..."

"I'm Dani. Your mom's cousin, we both grew up here together. The only difference is that she went back to Thailand and I stayed here.” She says, letting the girls sit comfortably on the couch. Lisa and Jennie looks around the house, the interior design looked nice and the house is tidy and well-kept, the way it looked outside complements what it looks on the inside.

"Who are you dear? I'm sorry I didn't notice you, I just got really excited to see my niece after so many years." Lisa's aunt, Dani, diverts her gaze to Jennie.

"I'm Jennie, ma'am. Lisa's friend and roommate." Jennie replies with so much elegance, her voice just the right amount of confidence and her poise all proper and eloquent.

"You look like a famous actress, dear." The woman laughs.

"Yeah, she really does." Lisa replies, a soft smile on her face. Jennie smiles at her too.

"Lisa, why didn't you tell me you're here in Korea." Her aunt interrupts the loving gazes the two gives one another.

"Oh, I-uhm, I'm studying here now. I was planning to visit from the start but things got busy." Lisa says.

"So, I'm guessing you wanted to visit where your mom grew up." Her aunt softly smiles at her. Lisa nods in reply. "You know what? I have something to give you." Her aunt gently excuses herself to find something that got Lisa all curious.

She comes back not too long, now carrying a box with her. "This is some of your mom's stuff. When she left, your dad sent some of her things here." She tells the two girls, her voice coated with sadness in them. Lisa gently rummages the box of her mother's things, dust had already made the mementos of her mom as their home.

"Yeah... dad couldn't handle her loss." Lisa nods her head, her attention fixated at the pictures she never knew of her mom. She wished her dad shouldn't have given away most of her mom's remaining memories.

Jennie silently watches Lisa look through the forgotten memories of her mom.

"Anyway, she always wanted to give you this." The woman tells Lisa, handing her what seemed like an old notebook. "I remember how she excitedly talked about it through the phone."

"Is this a whole diary for me?" Lisa asked, flipping through the old notebook, its pages were crisp and felt like it could be ripped apart by little force. Lisa silently skims the paragraphs and the words felt so personal, even if the diary was supposedly for her, it still felt like she was invading her mother's privacy.

"Yeah all of it was for you. Your mother was planning to finish the whole thing to give it to you as a birthday gift when you're old enough to read." Her aunt replies.

The beaming expression on her aunt's face turned gloomy at the words she says after. "But sadly... she passed away so soon."

In that brief moment, after going through years of having this inconsolable absent feeling, Lisa felt that she could finally make sense of a piece that she missed, yearned. a piece that was lost in the deserted sands of a relationship she didn't even get to fully grasp.

***

They were now on their way back to Hongdae. Lisa has been silent ever since they left her aunt's house in Busan. Jennie feels concerned but she knows Lisa needs all the time she needs to grieve and heal.

Lisa keeps looking at the diary in her hand. She didn't let go of it the moment she first held it in her hands. She slowly caressed the worn out leather, she kept feeling the texture for a while now, the dusting memories she have of her mother came rushing back.

"Have you read it yet?" Jennie asks softly, her voice full of assurance and comfort.

Lisa only shakes her head no. Jennie gives her a small smile before taking her hand in hers, weaving their fingers together. "If it feels too heavy, I will feel everything for you. I'm here." Jennie tells her and kisses her hand.

Lisa gives her a small shy smile, but Jennie could see the gratitude swimming in her eyes. Jennie watches Lisa take a deep breath before flipping to the first page, the way she handles the diary is full of gentleness.

Dear my little angel,

It's only been a week since you were born. I can still vividly remember the first moment I carried you. Love at first sight—something I've never believed in before, never experienced it even; then I saw you and I touched you, carried you, kissed you. I had an epiphany. Some might say a change of heart.

Lisa cries in Jennie's arms.

My little angel,

I know that raising a child was never an easy responsibility. I feel burnt out. I'm tired. Deprived of sleep. I want to be honest as much as I can in this diary, to let you know that things aren't as smooth as they can be. This journal will provide all the mess and mistakes I've made along the process.

It's tough. But seeing you smile makes everything alright, it seems.

Lisa smiles at this.

My little one,

You're almost one now! I can't believe time went by so fast. They say time flies when you're doing something or when you're with someone you love—-it's true, because you're here with me, and I could honestly spend the rest of my days, months, years with you without realizing what time it is.

Our little Lalisa,

Dad isn't usually in the house because he's so busy being the head chef in a restaurant, So, when every time he comes home you sometimes cry when he picks you up. But I told him that he doesn't need to sulk cause you cuddle with him more when we're asleep.

Dear Lalisa,

You called me "mommy" for the first time. I kind of feel embarrassed for crying. Don't you dare judge me, little one!

Our little Lisa,

You seem to like that nickname, you always respond to us whenever we call you that. By the way, it's your second birthday now! Dad ditched his work just to spend time with you. His dream restaurant is already finished and will operate tomorrow. It's funny because he forgot to buy you a gift so instead he told you that he'll name a dish after you and it'll be the best seller in the restaurant. He named it 'A-Lalisa!', I want to laugh at it but he loves it so much, he loves you so much. He may be not here all the time but he loves you, I hope you know that.

Dear Lisa,

Thailand really feels like home. I haven't felt this way since forever. I'm not sure if it's because where I'm really from or if it's because of you and dad.

I hope you find your home too when you grow up.

She looks at Jennie. She's fast asleep on her bed. She chuckles at the way Jennie's lips wriggle whenever she’s asleep, it's been a habit of hers.

Lisa didn't even question why she was the first person that popped in her mind.

She thinks she may know the answer already.

My little Lisa,

I dreamt of an older version you.You were crying and shouting at me for leaving you alone. I didn't know what to say in the dream, I wanted to say sorry but I didn't know for what reason. So I hugged you instead, hoping it was enough to comfort you. I'm here, always. I'm not going anywhere.

Lisa feels tears burning in the back of her eyes.

Dear Lisa,

It's your first day of kindergarten. The house was too quiet. The silence is deafening. I already miss you.

Lisa remembers her home in Thailand. She remembers always coming home to an empty house.

Dear Lisa,

You know, I sometimes miss Korea. It's where I grew up, actually. But I don't feel homesick at all. That's when I realized how home isn't a place, but people after all.

Dear Lisa,

I've been feeling so exhausted and light-headed for a while. I went to the doctor and she told me I have serious high blood pressure. It's been four years since I had this. The doctor scolded me for not going to a check-up as early as possible. I told her I got caught up by being a mom. I should take care of myself more. I don't want to leave you too early.

Lisa wonders if she would've loved her mother better if she would have stayed. And perhaps, that's the hardest part not to know.

Dear Lisa,

It's dad. I didn't mean to bother your mom's privacy. I actually didn't know she has this, I'm currently going around her stuff. I'm not snooping around, I'm actually fixing them and arranging them.

She died of a stroke...

If there are things you didn't know about mom, I hope this diary fills in the gaps.

This sounds like a farewell. Perhaps, it is. But I believe she's never really gone. So treat this like a 'see you next time' more than a 'goodbye'.

She loved you. The rest is confetti.

Lisa felt nothing more than an echo of her previous anger, a pang of sorrow and a gentle resignation all tangled up in one. In truth, it felt a bit like forgiveness, a little like letting go.

In some sense Lisa found peace within her after reading all of her mother's passages.

She writes one of her own too, in the coincidentally last part of the diary's page.

Dear mom,

So, I'm writing this to you, the same way you wrote to me when I was young. When I was young to understand love as it is, to understand the love of a mother, to understand the way you loved me. I'm writing this to you the same way you wrote to me when you were still alive...

I truly think that I can never verbalize the feeling i have when you left a little too early. I couldn't describe the tragedy you left me. But in some sense, maybe writing it could give me comfort, and I hope it does, because reading all those short paragraphs of yours made me feel closer to you, as close as I could ever be. It doesn't feel near though, but i think it's enough.

yeah, it's enough.

Jennie sees Lisa put down her mother's diary for the first time, she hasn't let go of it since last month.

"Hey, Jen..." Lisa softly calls out her roommate's name. Jennie looks at Lisa, eyes with full attention.

"You want to go to Han river with me?" Lisa asks, her tired yet kind eyes making Jennie become mush.

"I'd love to." Jennie replies. Lisa beams at this and quickly stands up from her bed. Jennie watches the girl walk to her dresser and pull out a coat that's somehow big enough for Jennie's usual size.

Lisa walks toward Jennie's direction and wraps her with the coat. "There!" Lisa mumbles, the corner of her lips tugging into a lop-sided smile. "I don't want you getting cold." Lisa tells Jennie, soothing out the fabric of the coat absent-mindedly.

Jennie hides her blush in the coat too big enough for her.

The two silently walk alongside Han river, the sun was slowly setting creating a beautiful glow of orange in the sky.

"How are you, after reading your mom's messages for you?" Jennie asks softly.

"Sad but I'm fine. I'll be okay." Lisa gives the latter an assuring smile.

"I realized that we can't save people, we can only love them." Lisa tells Jennie. "As much as I would love mom to stay, there are things— people, actually, that we have to let go."

“Love isn't possession after all." Lisa says.

Jennie hums in response. She really adores how eloquent and honest Lisa is when it comes to her feelings. Most of the time, she wished she had the same sense of bravery that Lisa has for accepting both hurtful and happy truths.

"This feels like a date." Jennie suddenly blurts out.

Lisa only chuckles making Jennie whip her head in her direction, curious of the Thai's reaction. "I mean, if you want it to be," yeah, Jennie really wants to, though. She never knew she could be this desperate over something as corny and cheesy as this.

"Even if you're wayyyy out of my league." Lisa says, exaggerating her words.

"What?! No, you're not!" Jennie heatedly argues back.

Lisa's startled at how infuriated the other girl looked. She gulps, "I'm sorry!" eyes opened wide and alarmed. "I've seen you for who you are. It's just that... sometimes it's just hard to separate your 'perfect' image, you know?" Lisa avoids Jennie's gaze, scratching the nape of her neck awkwardly.

Jennie hums, Lisa could hear the faint disappointment in her voice. "I guess I can't blame you on that." The fashion designer sighs, a little gloomy at the truth.

The two continued to walk for a few minutes before Jennie stops in her tracks and goes to place her arm on the railing, her arms propped while her chin rests on the palm of her hand, admiring the view the Han river offers.

"You know why I decided to live in a cramped up dorm when I could've asked my parents for an apartment too big enough for me?" Jennie asks Lisa rhetorically.

"Yeah... why didn't you?" Lisa replies.

"I didn't want to rely on them too much, and I wanted to experience what it was like to live without the silver platter always served for me."

"So, what I did was ask them enough allowance to last for a month, and it's my choice on how will I use that money wisely. I computed the money I asked of them, and it's the same as working in a cafe."

"They were just always there by my side, watching and guarding. That even before I fall they have already caught me. Maybe that's why I was never fond of mistakes and mishaps."

"I really admire you for that." Lisa blurts out. "You're more than what people think of you, and also what you think of yourself. I hope you know that, Jennie."

"After being roommates for like 8 months, I find it really cool how we both came from a completely different environment, but still... we were able to connect with those differences."

"You know, you grew up being perfect and your parents always kept a watchful eye on you." Jennie nods at Lisa’s words.

"Well, I grew up being troublesome and a failure,” Lisa chuckles at the misfit that she once was. “And my only parent was barely there." Lisa says. "Ever since my mom died I felt so alone. My dad was barely in the house, he was always so busy with the restaurant that sometimes I wonder if he knew he still has me. So, in order to get the attention, I became such a troublesome kid in school. He always got called in the guidance office and would lecture me when we go home. But I didn't mind since it was a reminder that he still notices me."

"But because of that, I was seen as a failure. My teachers and classmates from back then used to look at me like I'm just a nuisance, something that seems like a pest." Jennie hears the tremble in her voice.

"I'm really not, I swear. I just wanted someone to know that I'm there. I was so young and I felt like the world was against me." Lisa discreetly wipes her eyes, not wanting Jennie to see the tears forming. But Jennie notices it, but she'd rather not speak about it. It's obvious that the memory had left a scar that's still fresh on the girl. She didn't want to add salt to the wound by unintentionally saying something she shouldn't.

"It went on like that until I reached 9th grade and decided that I wanted to be someone that mattered."

Jennie could only gaze at Lisa's eyes, seeing a life completely different from her own.

"It didn't turn that well. I tried my best. I achieved a lot in those years, but I can see the doubt in their eyes and the underlying tone of underestimation in their voice. It wasn't the best experience, but at least I made a few friends that believed in me."

"But you know what?" Lisa releases a breath. Jennie sees the way her shoulders relaxed, like she just accepted how things were without any hint of resentment. "I learned to appreciate the parts of me that no one ever clapped for."

Somehow, Jennie feels the same too.

"I hope the same thing for you."

Lisa's words seemed to spark the inexplicable intensity in the air, eliciting a warm feeling in Jennie’s chest.

For a moment, Jennie didn't remember where she was, or who she supposedly was. For a moment, she didn't feel like Jennie Kim, the chaebol, the seemingly too perfect girl who hadn't been able to commit any failure. In a short amount of seconds, she didn't feel like the well-disciplined and poised daughter of her parents, the compliant beauty queen of their campus building, the top-scorer, the all-rounder. Just for a handful of seconds Jennie didn't have to bear the weight of insurmountable expectations placed on her shoulders to carry.

For a moment, she was just her.

And what a wonderful moment that was. Without any doubt, she unconsciously wraps her fingers around Lisa's wrist, absent-mindedly leaning towards the girl she'd been crazy over for months, then, she captures Lisa's soft lips in a firm and gentle and fleeting kiss, a seal of her warm feelings for the younger girl.

Then Jennie pulls away, seeing the startled and puzzled look on Lisa's alarmed face. Visible that the girl is processing what just happened.

Holy shit... Thee Jennie Kim just kissed me. Lisa inwardly says.

It had happened so quickly, so unexpectedly. Lisa continues to look at Jennie: the delicate light of the sunset softened Jennie's usual fierce gaze, a subtle expression of elation on her face, the girl absent-mindedly fumbles her clammy hands, her face was contorted in visible uneasiness and anxiety, probably afraid that Lisa might reject her. Which Lisa thinks is absolutely ridiculous for a person to do.

Jennie Kim, in all her glory, is someone... she's kind of everything. And Lisa thinks she'd be too stupid to reject something as beautiful as Jennie Kim.

She is a rather lovely sight, she really is, no doubt. And that made Lisa wonder why it took her a little too late to admit the inevitable, when she had already felt it even before.

It was Lisa's turn to lean in, capturing Jennie's lips in a soft and gentle kiss. For a moment, the anxiety was forgotten, the noise produced by the vehicles was just a faint echo, the fabric of Lisa's coat that was big enough for Jennie folded into their bodies, and Lisa was aware of the softness and warmth of Jennie's body against her own.

Jennie feels Lisa's lips turn into a beaming smile in the kiss, and she couldn't help but smile too causing her to pull away just to etch that lovesick smile on her face.

"So..." Jennie mutters, her head dropping in a pointless attempt to conceal the prominent blush painted on her cheeks.

"...I like you." Lisa also dips her head to hide her shy gaze and the blush on her cheeks. She takes a hold of Jennie's finger and starts fumbling it. "I think I may have since the moment I walked in on you. I just didn't admit it sooner, sorry." She confesses eventually, looking up at Jennie.

Jennie couldn't quite able to tear her gaze away from the taller girl. "I like you too. So much. I've never liked someone this much." Jennie smiles. "I don't know what you did to me to like you this much, you idiot." Jennie light-heartedly laughs, shoving Lisa in a futile attempt.

Lisa laughs too, a relieved grin curling her lips. She engulfs Jennie in a warm embrace, wanting to revel in Jennie's warmth and presence that gave her so much comfort these past months she'd stayed in Korea.

At this moment, that's when Lisa knew she'd found home.