Chapter Text
“Holy fucking shit,” Yoongi’s jaw drops to the ground. “Oh my god, Namjoon, what the fuck?”
Namjoon could only feel another tear slipping down his face, bottom lip trembling. Jimin’s arms on the right side of his waist tightened as he choked back another sob.
“Namjoonie,” Hoseok mused. “That’s a lot, jesus christ. I mean this in the nicest way possible but… that is fucking insane. What drama are you two in?”
The tallest boy in the room shrinks into himself further. He feels Taehyung, who was half sitting on his lap while he buried himself on the left side of Namjoon’s neck, whine at the back of his throat once he felt Namjoon tremble.
“Don’t be mean, hyungie.” Taehyung snuggles Namjoon further, as Jimin holds him in a vice grip. This way, Namjoon was caught in between a soulmate sandwich, but honestly, he’s more than thankful. He truly needs all the hugs that he could get. “Namjoonie hyung is crying, so now’s not the time to joke around.”
Hoseok and Yoongi are then met with two identical protective glares from two teary sets of eyes. It’s just that… Jimin was an empathetic crier, and Namjoon just happened to be one of his most favorite people in the world. And if Jimin cries, well, Taehyung is only a half a teardrop away.
“Sorry, I just,” Hoseok puts his hand up in surrender, before reaching out for Namjoon. “Can I hug my best friend too, boys?”
If it was possible, Jimin and Taehyung’s arms around his neck and waist only tightened.
Yoongi steps forward, rubbing circles on Hoseok’s shoulder. “Love, I also mean this in the nicest way possible, but I don’t think you stand a chance.”
Hoseok was about to rebut again, but seeing Namjoon leaning contently against Jimin and Taehyung’s almost suffocating touches right on top of Hoseok and Yoongi’s couch… well, he thinks he can step back for now.
“Fine, you two hold him, and Yoongi and I will do the talking.” Hoseok says petulantly, instead sitting on the ground, right beside Namjoon’s legs. “Actually I got nothing. Yoongi, say something.”
Yoongi looks at him indecorously, glaring at Hoseok as he takes a seat on the opposite side of Namjoon’s leg. “I—I—“
“What do I do, g-guys?” Namjoon hiccups out, and Taehyung whimpers against his neck. “I feel so stupid for leaving him all those years ago. If I only knew, god. And he’s right, you know. He was my best friend. I shouldn’t have given up so easily.”
“Now, now, don’t blame yourself for this, Joon.” Yoongi finally finds the words to say, petting Namjon’s thighs gently. “It was not your fault, you didn’t know too.”
“I should’ve. He’s the boy I’ve known since childhood, I should’ve seen it. I should’ve known.” Namjoon sniffs again, constantly berating himself. “Jungkook was right, I was a coward.”
Loud sounds of protest echo throughout the room, but Jimin’s the one who opens his mouth first.
“Don’t say that. Both you and Jungkook got hurt, and I’m not gonna side on either one of you, but you have to know that you two were just… a victim of wrong timing or maybe bad circumstances.” Jimin says gently, caressing Namjoon’s side as if he was the older one out of the two of them. “You also got your heart broken, hyung.”
Namjoon ponders upon those words. But did his heartbreak even serve its purpose?
“Did I make the wrong decision of running away?” Namjoon asks them softly. He doesn’t get a response for a while, everybody thinking for the right words to say.
“Honestly,” Taehyung speaks up gently. “Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t. But I knew that you were just trying to protect your heart too.”
That… Namjoon doesn’t know if that either infuriated or mollified his heart even more.
But Hoseok stands with his younger friend’s words. “Taehyungie’s right. You were getting hurt and you weren’t at fault for wanting to protect yourself, the same way Jungkook just wanted to save himself from the heartbreak.”
Namjoon remains silent, not knowing exactly what to say. For the past two years, he’d only been looking at this through his own point of view. But last night gave him a clear view of Jungkook’s own side. It seems as though that now, his friends were trying to make him realize how the even bigger picture looked like.
“Do you think it worked though?” Yoongi couldn’t help but ask, obviously curious. “Did you protect your heart well enough?”
Namjoon didn’t even have to think of the answer for long.
“No.” He says with a humorless chuckle. “I don’t think I did.”
“Oh Joonie, I’m sorry.” Hoseok rubs his cheek against Namjoon’s sweatpant clad leg. “It must have hurt you a lot didn’t it… losing your best friend?”
“Of course it d-did,” Namjoon exhales shakily, burying his face against Taehyung’s hair. “But more than that, I was just… so heartbroken.”
“Why?” Yoongi asks. “Why were you that hurt, Joon?”
Namjoon emits a humorless laugh. “That’s a good question. Why do you think, hyung?”
A heavy silence surrounds the room.
“Did you…” Jimin gulps, already understanding its implications. “Were you—“
And Namjoon just confirms their suspicions.
“In love with my own best friend whom I had to watch build oceans between us until I barely even knew him anymore.” Namjoon tears up all over again, wanting to break out in sobs once more. “Yes, yes I was.”
Three loud gasps echo in the living room, while Yoongi sucks in a harsh breath as Namjoon cries against the soulmates’ hold. Jimin and Taehyung hold on to him tighter, rubbing their cheeks against his bare skin to offer some sort of comfort.
“Oh Namjoonie.” Hoseok gets on his knees to leave soothing kisses on Namjoon’s forehead. He’s never seen Namjoon this sad, and Hoseok suddenly feels like crying too.
“I just wanted to love him, a-and I know that the time w-wasn’t right and we w-were too young and the odds weren’t in our favor.” Namjoon chokes out, his hands reaching out for Yoongi’s, and his hyung holding on just as tight. “But I was at least happy t-to have him by my side… to be able t-to love him silently. And it hurt so much when I couldn’t even have him, when I lost the chance to love him in my own way.”
“Shh,” Taehyung wipes away his tears with the pads of his thumbs, even though his efforts remain fruitless. “I’m so sorry, hyungie. I’m so sorry for you and Jungkookie.”
It was silent for a very long while, just the sound of Namjoon, Taehyung, and Jimin’s sniffles filling the room as the boys tried their best to console their friend, just like how Namjoon always did for them when they were sad.
Until, Hoseok piques up.
“We are not very effective talkers, aren’t we?”
Jimin nods against Namjoon’s side. “Yeah, you two just made Joon hyung cry even more.”
“Excuse you, we—“ Yoongi tries to defend himself.
But Hoseok himself cuts him off. “—are terrible at this, we know.” Yoongi glares at him, however, Hoseok only ignores him. “But we know someone who isn’t.”
Namjoon looks up unceremoniously. “What?”
Right at that moment, a presence that was just standing there the moment Hoseok laid his head on Namjoon’s leg finally made himself known. He clears his throat, and the rest of the boys look up at him in surprise, the three youngest ones in the room not even noticing him at all.
“Jin hyung!” Namjoon looks up, and Seokjin smiles at him sadly.
“Hey, Joon, I heard you were sad.” Seokjin runs his fingers through Namjoon’s hair, and Namjoon taps Jimin and Taehyung to let him go. They do so with a grunt.
“Y-you’re here.”
“Of course I am,” Seokjin smiles at him, always gentle despite the gloomy look in his eyes. He eyes the rest of the boys too, waving at them, before reaching out for Namjoon. “Come to the balcony with me, will you?”
Namjoon doesn’t even hesitate.
Part of why they really adored Hoseok and Yoongi’s apartment was the fact that these two had a balcony. One with a small couch that two or three people can lounge in at a time.
So that is where Seokjin and Namjoon go, and the rest of the boys knew to give them their privacy.
“Hi, Joonie.” Seokjin pats his lap, and Namjoon slips on to it sideways so easily, as if he wasn’t the larger one out of the two of them. “Why is my baby crying?”
Namjoon huffs, burying his face against his hyung’s neck as Seokjin wraps his arms around his waist. “M’not a baby.”
“Oh but you are.” Seokjin grins, but that smile wipes away easily when he feels the tears slipping down Namjoon’s face right against his own flushed skin. “And I hate seeing you cry, so tell me, how can hyung help you to fix this?”
Slender fingers rub circles comfortingly against the exposed skin of Namjoon’s forearm. The warmth is highly appreciated by the sad lump of tears on Seokjin’s lap. If Namjoon could, he’d probably hide here where he is the safest, and where he could easily escape—right in between his hyung’s arms. But unfortunately, the world doesn’t work that way.
Namjoon chose the safe and easiest way out once, look where that got him now.
“He was in love with me, Jinnie.” Namjoon mumbles, and Seokjin sucks in a sharp breath. “Jungkook finally came clean, and told me that he was in love with me and that’s why he stayed away. God, I could only imagine the pain he felt when I just left him without another word.”
By the end of his mini rant, Namjoon’s face had crumpled into another sob. Every sound of Namjoon’s heartbreak sends a knife down to Seokjin’s chest. If Seokjin was a magician, he’d wipe away all of Namjoon’s tears and never give the boy in his arms a reason to cry ever again.
But he wasn’t, so the least he could was to be here for his Joonie.
“Stop beating yourself up for that.” He rocks them gently. “But come, tell hyung everything. I promise to listen.”
Not for one moment does Namjoon doubt that. Throughout their years of knowing each other, Seokjin was an excellent listener as much as he was a great talker. Plus, Namjoon trusted his hyung with his entire heart.
So, he does. Namjoon tells his hyung everything that went down not just during that night, but everything from when things shifted between him and his roommate. Namjoon doesn’t want to pinpoint that shift to that time Jungkook saw Namjoon and Seokjin kissing, but he thinks his hyung gets the gist. Seokjin only remains silent, attentive. He doesn’t interrupt Namjoon throughout his storytelling, despite him already hearing half of it earlier. He only places kisses to the top of Namjoon’s head whenever the boy got too overwhelmed, especially when it came to the night Jungkook finally confessed.
“Wow,” Seokjin breathes out, exhaling heavily once Namjoon finishes recounting his entire story. “Okay, that’s a lot. That’s—wow.”
“Yeah, that’s basically one way to say it.” Namjoon mumbles. Why won’t his eyes dry out? Will they ever be tired of crying over one Jeon Jungkook? “Hyung, what do I do?”
The question leaves Seokjin a little slumped. Namjoon was a person who always knew what he wanted, of what was required from him. One may even say that Namjoon is usually a person who has most of his life under control.
So hearing him sound so lost, asking his hyung for advice for which he rarely does, it breaks Seokjin’s heart to a new extent.
“To be honest, Joon, this one’s pretty much out of my skills. I don’t even know what to tell you.” He admits, because the last thing he’d want is for Namjoon to be misguided. “But y-you love him, right? You want him back?”
Seokjin gulps as Namjoon nods. The younger boy doesn’t even miss a beat.
“I wouldn’t hurt this much if I didn’t love him.” Namjoon admits softly, and Seokjin would be touched if only…. “I love Jungkook so much, but I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to forgive me for just leaving him.”
If only it didn’t pinch his heart at all the wrong corners.
“He will, I don’t doubt that for a moment.” Seokjin clears his throat, snuggling onto the top of Namjoon’s head. “He followed you all the way here to college. It’s not a matter if he will forgive you, it’s a matter if you’ll both manage to forgive yourselves.”
Namjoon lifts his head from Seokjin’s neck. “What?”
“Joon, you don’t have to blame yourself too, alright?” Seokjin tells him softly, because it’s the truth. “I know you’re guilty, I know you feel like you were in the wrong. But the thing is, you both were just young and foolish. Like hello, what kind of fifteen year old communicates well…” Seokjin tries to crack a joke, but it barely pulls a smile from the sad boy’s lips. “But neither of you need to be so harsh on yourselves.”
“You don’t get it, hyung.” Namjoon counters, adamant. He was now starting to see the flaws of his own logic from two years ago. “I’ve thought about it now, and what I’ve done was absolutely… shitty. We were best friends for ten years. First things first is that I should’ve known that there was some sort of logical reason why he suddenly started avoiding me. I should have known. And besides, ten years, hyung, ten whole years. I just let it end like that because I was too busy protecting my own heart that I didn’t think about him too. Ten years would have ended that way only if Jungkook didn’t come to find me.”
“I get it, Joon. Trust me, I do.” Seokjin mumbles, running his fingers through Namjoon’s hair to get him to calm down. “But no, you wouldn’t have known, because Jungkook didn’t tell you. You’re not some sort of mind reader, there was no way for you to find out.”
Truthfully, Namjoon knows that too. But as best friends, they were supposed to share a bond between them that the rest of the world didn’t have. In some way, he should have figured him out.
“But I just left him.” Namjoon shrinks on himself. “I let him go.”
Pity suddenly fills Seokjin’s eyes, along with greatly hidden empathy. “Because you loved him.”
Namjoon looks up, sniffling, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “How does that equate to me loving him?”
Choosing his next words carefully, Seokjin takes a while to answer. He pulls Namjoon to his chest, so that he can bury his face against Namjoon’s hair. This way, Namjoon wouldn’t be able to see him.
“Because you loved him enough to let him go,” He wouldn’t be able to see the way Seokjin’s eyes misted, as he gazed down at the boy right in between his warm embrace. “The same way Jungkook loved you so much that he held on even when you left… he loved you so much that he fought for you even when you were gone.”
“Even if what you’re saying is right, hyung, Jungkook still did more than the two of us.” Namjoon mumbles, leaning against Seokjin, oblivious to the way Seokjin’s chest tightened despite his head directly sitting on top of his chest. “He’s the one who found me years after I left.”
“That’s not true.” Seokjin mumbles, hoping and praying that his voice didn’t crack. “You don’t measure heartbreak like that. The act of letting go sometimes hurt way more than you can ever imagine… sometimes more than the act of fighting for someone and holding on.”
With the way Seokjin was talking, one might say that he was speaking directly from experience. Well then, they’re not far from the truth.
Namjoon doesn’t question it though, maybe Seokjin has truly grown into such a magnificent actor. “He wouldn’t have had to fight for me, if I didn’t leave him.”
“But you had to protect your heart too,” Seokjin counters. “The same way Jungkook protected his own heart by avoiding you, you had to save your own heart as well.”
Namjoon remains silent at that. It was… true. At the end of the day, they were just two boys who only wanted to protect their own feelings. Like, what kind of person in this world would gladly trail after heartbreak? Neither a sadist nor a martyr, Namjoon and Jungkook simply did what they had to do.
“Even if I hurt him?” Somewhere, at the back of Namjoon’s mind, he’s just looking for confirmation that he wasn’t a bad person. The same way he never thought of Jungkook as someone evil.
“Yeah, because remember, he hurt you too.” Seokjin says gently, nuzzling along the gentle locks of Namjoon’s soft hair. “You both aren’t selfish, you two are just human. If anything, both of you were at fault, not one more than the other. If you can forgive Jungkook, then you can forgive yourself too.”
Hearing that sounds… better. More believable in some way. Namjoon doesn’t want to absolve himself of his sins, the same way he knows that Jungkook wasn’t completely faultless.
“Do you think I did the right thing, hyung?” But Namjoon just needed to know, if at the end of the day, letting go of Jungkook was worth it. “When I left him and let him go?”
Seokjin hums, genuinely pondering over Namjoon’s question. The thing Namjoon loved most about Seokjin was that his hyung was very honest. He refuses to lie to Namjoon even at his worst moments, and yet he does it without being harsh.
“There’s no way of saying whether or not you did the wrong or right thing, the same way we both can’t judge Jungkook for his way of reasoning for avoiding you.” Seokjin says gently. “But I will tell you that it doesn’t matter anymore, that it’s in the past. What matters now is today… do you still want to let him go?”
“I don’t.” Namjoon doesn’t miss a beat. “This time, I want to fight for him.”
But what Namjoon misses, however, was the sad smile on Seokjin’s face. How his hyung’s eyes suddenly lowered, and how he looked at Namjoon with a gaze that spoke volumes of things left unsaid.
“Then you really know what you have to do now.” Seokjin gulps. Now he wonders, if he himself is doing the right thing. “But I think you two need to start from talking.”
Namjoon nods against his chest. He makes a move to get up, but Seokjin clutches him tighter. Just one last time.
“Thank you, hyung. This means a lot to me.” Namjoon simply adheres to his hyung’s silent plea, laying back on his chest comfortably. What Namjoon didn’t know though, was that Seokjin wasn’t only doing this for one last chance to hold him. But because Seokjin was afraid that Namjoon would suddenly see the look in his eyes that he wasn’t ready to explain just yet. “Thank you for being here to listen to me.”
“You never have to thank me for that.” He kisses the top of his head, his heartache manifesting itself through unshed tears. “Hyung will always be here for you.”
Tonight, they both receive clarity. But while one heart fills with hope, another fills with an onslaught of pain.
Seokjin suddenly has a minor flashback to the time he dropped by at Namjoon’s apartment, the very same day he met Jungkook for the first time. That day, Seokjin was ready to fight. He’s stable now, with a good job, and is no longer as broke as he was back when he and Namjoon were still roommates. He thought he can take his Joonie to nice dates, spoil him, and give him all that he deserves, without worrying if he still ought to prove something with himself.
Once upon a time, Seokjin was ready to fight for what he’s been longing for so long.
But then he met Jungkook, and saw the look in Namjoon’s eyes as he spoke of his old best friend. The same way he recognized the look in Jungkook’s eyes when he saw them kissing, and now… this confession just proved it.
That’s when Seokjin knew… he didn’t need to fight, because Namjoon already found somebody else. Rather, he found him again.
People sometimes come into our lives to either love us, for us to love them, or for us to be taught a few lessons about love. Namjoon might have never loved him the way Seokjin did, but Namjoon taught him a lot. He taught Seokjin that love isn’t selfish, it’s about making the people we love happy, even if it’s not with us. And Namjoon… Namjoon has never smiled that way at him. He never smiled at Seokjin the way he smiled at Jungkook.
It’s a lesson learnt.
Seokjin wonders if maybe it’s time for him to take his own advice. Letting go doesn’t necessarily mean avoiding, it just means that he has to come into terms with some things that truly cannot be... he’s old enough to know this well. He doesn’t have a reason to fight anymore, and maybe, just maybe, it was time for him to let go of someone who can never truly be his.
After all, Seokjin loved Namjoon enough to let him go.
-
-
-
Namjoon doesn’t come home for three days straight.
Jimin and Taehyung were more than happy to house their precious hyung until he was ready. He simply shot Jungkook a text that he won’t be coming home for some time, and right after that, he fled to Yoongi and Hoseok’s apartment where he broke down and cried. It has also been two days since his talk with Seokjin, a night that left Namjoon’s chest oddly aching for some reason. He’ll talk about that with his hyung someday, just not now. After all, he knows Seokjin. His hyung will come to him when he’s ready.
The same way Namjoon has now returned to Jungkook once his head has finally cleared. Jungkook has been sending him texts asking when he’ll come home, or if he’s eaten, as if he wasn’t ignoring Namjoon right before the night he got drunk. He must have known that something happened, if his drunken brain still allowed him to remember, and Namjoon could only imagine the inner turmoil Jungkook was having over not seeing his hyung for three days straight now.
But that ends today, because Namjoon was too weak for Jungkook, and he knows that it’s time for them to have this conversation. Sober.
When Namjoon comes back home, he’s a little surprised to see that Jungkook wasn’t there. Somehow, it’s also a relief, because even if he’s the one returning now, Namjoon is still nervous as hell for this conversation to happen.
But soon enough, the sound of a key slotting in resounds around their apartment. Namjoon sucks in a sharp breath as he waits for the door to open. When it does, Jungkook enters their house wearing his black hoodie and black jeans. The moment he looks up and realizes that he’s not alone, Jungkook freezes on his step, hand still clutching the door. Namjoon also notices that Jungkook’s eyes were red rimmed, dark bags surrounding them. Oh poor boy.
“Hyung?” Jungkook asks, as if Namjoon was nothing but a fragment of his imagination.
Namjoon clears his throat. “Yeah, uhm, I’m ba—“
However, the taller boy doesn’t even get to finish his sentence. Jungkook runs up to him, hugging him tightly to his chest, as he buries himself along the crook of Namjoon’s neck. Jungkook held him so tight, as if the moment he let goes, Namjoon would…
“I thought you left me again.”
Tears begin to gather in Namjoon’s eyes, throat suddenly drying up as he hears Jungkook sniff lightly. He hugs Jungkook back, maybe not as tight, but it’s enough for Jungkook to know that his hyung was here. Still here.
They don’t speak for a long while. Jungkook’s grip on Namjoon doesn’t weaken at any point, but alas, Namjoon clears his throat. “Jungkook-ah, I think we need to talk.”
For a moment, Jungkook stiffens, his arms tightening if that was even possible. But then, he gradually loosens his grip. However, he doesn’t let go of the sleeve of Namjoon’s sweater, still clutching him tight even as he puts ample space between them. “I think so too, hyung.”
However, Namjoon finds himself unable to say a single word. It was actually Jungkook who speaks up first.
“Uhhh,” He clears his throat. “Jihyo t-told me that you were the one who picked me up from the party the other night?”
Namjoon nods. “Yeah, she called me at like three am.”
“Sorry about that, hyung.” Jungkook’s face reddens, averting his eyes from his hyung. “I didn’t know she called you.”
“It’s fine. Although, please Jungkook, be careful next time. It’s a good thing you had someone who genuinely cared about you as you got that drunk.” Namjoon says, chewing on his bottom lip. “I would hate to think of what might happen to you if you were left all alone.”
Something leaps inside of Jungkook’s feeble heart.
“Right, sorry.” He hated worrying his hyung, god, Jungkook knew he wasn’t a child anymore. “I won’t do that again, don’t worry.”
“Please, don’t.” Namjoon sighs, before finally deciding to just go for it. “You worried me a lot. The same way you’ve been worrying me for the past few weeks.”
“I’m sorry.” Jungkook wonders if he’ll ever run out of apologies. “I haven’t been a good… roommate for the past couple of weeks, haven’t I?”
Jungkook didn’t even know if he still deserved to be called Namjoon’s friend.
But Namjoon won’t have that. “It doesn’t matter. I think you had your reasons.”
Jungkook almost scoffs, how can his hyung say it didn’t matter? That was until something dawns unto him.
Reasons. Namjoon knew his reasons.
“What did I say that night, hyung?” Visibly pale, Jungkook chokes the words out. His fears are confirmed when Namjoon looks away from him. “Just please tell me.”
Namjoon sighs. “What do you remember?”
Chills run through Jungkook’s spine. He’s unable to answer for a few moments, the fear muting his tongue.
“I-I remember making a fool out of myself,” Jungkook swallows, his throat feeling like it was suddenly filled with scratchy nails. “I remember making you carry me.”
One corner of Namjoon’s lips tilt upward.
“Yeah, you did.” However, that wasn’t the answer Namjoon was looking for. “But do you remember what we talked about?”
Jungkook was growing increasingly anxious by the second. He’s already calling his drunken self every single curse word he knows.
“Not really. What did I say to you, hyung? What did I tell you enough for you to suddenly leave me again before I even woke up?”
A sad frown paints its way unto Namjoon’s lips, his eyes suddenly looking heavy.
“Sorry about that, by the way. I just needed the time and space to… to think.” Namjoon apologizes, because he could see how that terrified Jungkook. “You just said a lot of things that night.”
There it is. That was Jungkook’s biggest fear, and it must have been detrimental enough for Namjoon to suddenly escape for three whole nights. “Hyung.”
Thankfully, Namjoon didn’t prolong his misery. “You finally told me why you avoided me all those years ago.”
Every cell in Jungkook’s body freezes in fright. His fight or flight responses are activated, and he honestly just wanted to escape. “I-I did?”
But honestly, he was tired of running away from his hyung. Look where that led him the last two times he did so.
“Yeah,” Namjoon sighs out, careful with his next words, afraid that Jungkook would suddenly shut out. “You even told me you were there on New Year’s day at the treehouse. You told m-me that you were always there. You just didn’t… know what to do.”
Tears prick on the corner of Jungkook’s eyes, his throat feeling like it’s closing up.
“Is that why you avoided me?” Jungkook shrinks in himself, voice turning wet and small. “Because you finally found out about m-my feelings?”
This was absolutely Jungkook’s worst fear coming to life.
Namjoon’s heart suddenly fills with something that he can’t describe. “Jungkook-ah—”
“This is why I didn’t want to tell you.” Jungkook laughs out humorlessly, berating himself as a tear slips from his eyes. “I didn’t want to lose you, and god, drunk me just had to ruin everything, didn’t I?”
But Namjoon wasn’t laughing with him. Instead, his eyes fill with worry.
“If you just let me talk,” He tries to say, because he can already see Jungkook sinking down his train of self deprecating thoughts. “Calm down, Kook. I didn’t avoid you because of that.”
“Then why?” Jungkook suddenly spits out, the volume of his voice raising. “Why didn’t I suddenly see you for the past three days?”
Namjoon figures that he can’t really make his way around this. He needed to explain it bluntly, Jungkook was getting defensive again.
“Because you also told me that you still love me.” Namjoon doesn’t beat around the bush, feeling sorry for the way Jungkook froze. “Everything I’ve done suddenly came crashing to me, and I felt so guilty for breaking your heart, okay? I’m sorry.”
However, Namjoon’s apology doesn’t even register in his ears. All that Jungkook could hear was the fact that he gave himself out. Years of hiding his feelings and this was how it all came crashing down. Jungkook just wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole.
“I told you I still love you.” He reiterated, gulping because Jungkook can’t even deny it. He wraps himself in his own arms, hand on Namjoon’s sleeve dropping as he ponders upon his revealed secret.
“Yeah,” Namjoon nods. “You even thought Seokjin hyung was my boyfriend.”
A sharp hiss emits from Jungkook’s lips.
“I-I—“ With nowhere to go and unable to defend himself, Jungkook bites his bottom lip to stop himself from sobbing. “Hyung, fuck, I’m so sorry.”
“No, Jungkook-ah, calm down. You don’t have to be sorry.” Namjoon tells him calmly, trying not to be hurt when Jungkook flinched from his touch the moment he tried to reach out for his shoulder. But Namjoon wasn’t deterred, this time, he opens his arms, inviting his best friend for a hug. “Come here, Kookie.”
Still, Jungkook hesitated. What if this was the last time he’ll be able to hold Namjoon. What if this was his hyung’s way of saying goodbye?
“Please, please don’t hate me.” He almost begs, because he can’t lose Namjoon again, not for the second time around. “Please don’t leave me again over this. I’m sorry, hyung.”
“There’s absolutely nothing for you to be sorry about.” Namjoon tells him honestly. “It’s alright, Kook. I’m not mad, I promise.”
But Jungkook was already in it too deep.
“I didn’t have the right,” Jungkook says. He didn’t know why his hyung was being so kind right when he was about to break Jungkook’s heart. “It’s okay if Seokjin-ssi is your boyfriend, I shouldn’t—I don’t—”
“He’s not, I promise, he isn’t.” Namjoon eases his worries. “I’m not going to lie, we did mess around quite a few times and that’s why you saw us kissing. Those things are… normal for us.”
“Normal.” Jungkook chokes out, heart aching. “No, I, it’s alright. You’re n-not mine, and I don’t have any say on that.”
Saying those words hurt Jungkook more than he could have ever imagined.
But Namjoon wasn’t having it. Now that he knew Jungkook’s side, it was time for Jungkook to understand his.
“Jungkook-ah, look at me.” Namjoon steps closer, cupping one side of Jungkook’s cheek. “Did you mean it?”
“Mean what?” Jungkook croaked out, feeling overwhelmed with how Namjoon suddenly looked at him.
“You told me you loved me even when we were still back home, and you told me that you still love me now.” Namjoon says carefully, hoping and praying that Jungkook doesn’t shut him out. “Is it true?”
With Namjoon holding him this close, Jungkook knows that running away from this confrontation wouldn’t be an option. So instead, he chews on his bottom lip, eyes downtrodden.
“Depends.” He says, staring at Namjoon with misty eyes. “Will I lose you depending on my answer?”
Namjoon’s heart clenches. Never will Jungkook ever lose him ever again.
“Kook, whatever your answer is,” If heaven is listening, then Namjoon is giving God the permission to do his worst if Namjoon backs out of his word. “I promise you that you’ll never lose me again. I swear this time, I’m so sorry for leaving you before, but I promise that from now on, it won’t ever happen again.”
“So hypothetically, if I told y-you that I still love you and that I p-probably would never stop,” Jungkook stammers out. “You won’t hate me?”
Insecure and anxious, Jungkook stares at Namjoon with a vulnerability Namjoon didn’t even know if he could handle. But for Jungkook, he has to brave it—he had to try.
“Jungkook, you told me that night that there’s not a universe out there where you don’t love me.” Namjoon recounts, watching as Jungkook gulped. “And I’m telling you right now that there’s not a world out there too where I could ever hate my best friend.”
Jungkook sucks in a harsh breath, both his fingers and lips were trembling.
“Even if your best friend was stupid?” Jungkook’s voice suddenly turned small. “And that he was selfish as fuck?”
Unable to stop himself, Namjoon pulls Jungkook closer, until his full but cold lips land right on top of Jungkook’s forehead.
“No, he isn’t. And if he is then it’s fine,” Namjoon answers. “Because I was stupid and selfish as hell too. Maybe that’s why we’ve always been a good team.”
The kiss and Namjoon’s words were enough. Jungkook comes undone.
“Then yes, hyung. I’m sorry I never told you, that I just avoided you because I really didn’t know what to do.” Tears begin spilling down the younger man’s face. “But I did love you. Hell, I still fucking love you, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you even if I tried.”
“Oh Kook.”
“And that’s why I did it again, you know? When I saw you kiss Seokjin.” He proceeds to rant, barely giving Namjoon the chance to speak. “I thought I could just make it work, I could just let ourselves be happy as roommates... and I just wanted to get our friendship back. But that proved to be a disaster because I just got so hurt when I saw you with somebody else.”
Namjoon’s heart didn’t know if it was being crushed or if it was about to burst. Jungkook loved him... still loves him. But they’ve both hurt each other immensely.
“And it’s fine, okay? You don’t have to say anything, you don’t have to return my feelings if your own ones are nonexistent.” Still, Jungkook speaks. Afraid that if Namjoon gets the chance to talk, he wouldn’t exactly like hearing what his hyung had to say. “It’s alright, hyungie. I just… I guess I just wanted to tell you and let it out, so that you’ll finally know why I acted that way two years ago, and why I suddenly acted up again.”
But again, Namjoon wasn’t having that. Not this time.
“Jungkookie,” He cups Jungkook’s face firmer. As he ranted, Jungkook had looked down in fright and shame. But Namjoon wants Jungkook to look at him when he says it. “Look at me.”
Jungkook remains a little stubborn. Despite Namjoon’s firm grip, he keeps his eyes down, shaking his head. “Don’t want to.”
“Please, Jungkook-ah,” Namjoon tries again, much more gently. “Hyungie wants to see you.”
When Namjoon says it that way, Jungkook was too weak to deny his hyung of his simple request. “Hyungie.”
The moment Jungkook looks up at him, Namjoon finally says the words he should’ve told him ages ago. Before Jungkook could look anywhere else again, Namjoon finally bares his entire heart out.
“Kookie,” He whispers, soft but sure. “I love you too.”
A pause—a long one at that. Jungkook only stands frozen in time.
“You—what?!” He all but yells once the words finally process inside his head. His eyes shine with disbelief, jaw dropped to the ground in shock.
“I do, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you too.” Namjoon tells him much more firmly. “It was also why I left two years ago, because I loved you too much and I wanted to preserve what’s left of our friendship, instead of ending it on a bad note. I just wanted to protect my heart as well, and I loved you too much that I just chose to let you go.”
“Hyung,” Jungkook gasps out, breathing heavily. “Y-you, hyung, you love me?”
“I did, Jungkook-ah.” Namjoon responds so easily. Telling Jungkook of how much he loved him was the most natural thing to do in this world. “And yes, I still do.”
“You still do.” Jungkook echoes, heart stuttering dangerously.
“I couldn’t help it.” Namjoon reasons out. “I wanted to hate you when you came back, especially when you came in here unrealistically mad at me—”
“Sorry about that, by the way.” Jungkook cuts him off momentarily.
“We’ll work on that, don’t worry. But I forgive you.” Namjoon says, because these things can’t simply be forgotten. As adults, they have to learn to work on their mistakes instead of just... letting it go. “But like what I was saying, I wanted to be mad at you, wanted to hate you for what you did to me two years ago. But you’re you, Jungkook-ah. You’re my best friend, you’re the one person in this world that knows me best. You were just you.”
“Joonie.” Jungkook cries out, cupping Namjoon’s face back as he bumps their foreheads together. He thumbs away his hyung’s tears Namjoon didn’t even notice falling from his own eyes.
“You were the boy I fell in love with, over and over again.”
Namjoon finally ends his mini-speech, overwhelmed with so much love for this boy right in between his arms.
Without wasting any moment, Jungkook finally pulls Namjoon down, letting their lips meet in one passionate and overdue kiss.
It hurts, but it’s also the best feeling Namjoon has ever felt in his entire life.
Salty as their first kiss was, Namjoon couldn’t help but think that this kiss feels so right. So good. Kissing Jungkook right at this moment may have been a product of a series of wrong turns, but they’re here now, and for Namjoon, that’s what matters.
They found their way back to each other.
All too soon, Jungkook pulls away. Still though, he keeps close, barely a hair-width away. Tears still keep on falling down his gorgeous face, but Namjoon could also see the smile adorning his beautiful features.
“You love me.” Jungkook reaffirms, chuckling to himself. “You actually love me.”
“I do, Kookie.” Namjoon bends down to steal another kiss. Jungkook gives him two more. “I love you so, so much, and yes, I do. I love you.”
Jungkook shakes his head in disbelief. “We’ve both been so stupid.”
Namjoon laughs. “Tell me about it.” He says. “But we were both just kids back then. We just didn’t know any better.”
Nodding, Jungkook gulps. “Will you forgive me for everything I’ve done, hyung?”
“As long as you’ll forgive me for all that I’ve done wrong too.” Namjoon answers back.
“Of course. Of course, I do.” Jungkook hugs him close, burying his face against Namjoon’s neck.
“Then yes, I’ll forgive you too, Jungkook-ah.” Namjoon pecks forehead. “Let’s move forward, yeah?”
He could feel the way Jungkook nodded against his neck, smiling against his skin. “As long as you’ll finally be mine, Joonie.”
“Woah,” Namjoon teases. “At least take me on a date first.”
Jungkook giggles wetly, pulling back a little so he can look at his hyung’s eyes. “I’ll take you to any date you want, hyung, I promise. Just please be mine.”
Namjoon couldn’t help but fondly poke his nose. Jungkook was always a little eager, his heart was always brimming with so much love.
“Are you sure about that?” Namjoon continues teasing him. “I’m quite demanding. I require constant cuddles, and I may or may not reply to you all the time especially when I’m stuck in a book.”
“Hyung,” Jungkook sighs fondly. “We’ve been best friends for ten years. I know how to take care of you, just like how you’ve always known me best.”
It was then that it hit Namjoon that right, Jungkook was his best friend. He wasn’t some guy Namjoon met over a dating app, nope. Jungkook was a big, big part of his whole life.
Dare he say that Jungkook might even be his soulmate.
“You’re right. You are my best friend.” And that just makes Namjoon feel a little bit more emotional, because Jesus, Jungkook was... the only person he’s loved this much for more than a decade. “I’ve loved you for so long. Of course, I’ll be yours.”
Jungkook’s eyes water again, probably on the same page as Namjoon was. “Hyungie,” He whines, reaching up to kiss Namjoon again. “I love you, I love you, I love you. Let’s keep on loving each for a long time, yeah?”
In all honesty, Namjoon can’t even think of a time he’ll ever stop loving Jungkook. If there even came a point wherein they’d have to go their separate ways again, Namjoon would still love this boy in his arms just like how he always had.
Just like how he still kept on loving Jungkook, even in the two years they’ve been apart.
“You don’t even have to ask, Jungkook-ah,” Namjoon says, kissing him for a long, long time. “I love you so much. Thank you for coming back to me.”
Jungkook shakes his head, smiling. He’s beautiful. “No, hyung. Thank you for taking me back. I love you.”
Everything seems so simple—so uneventful. There’s nothing supposedly special about today. They’re both just here in their studio dorm, on regular weekday. Their neighbours are probably cramming papers and studying last minute, but here were two boys with two hearts that finally fell at the right place and at the right time.
It’s nothing short of magical.
As Namjoon and Jungkook exchange kisses for the rest of the night (even until they wake up in the morning), Namjoon ponders about how cruel and kind fate was to them.
It surely didn’t make things easy, but at least they found and fell back to each other again, right? That’s what counts. Because this, this very moment, may have taken years in the making. A lot of pain, misplaced anger, wasted tears, and broken promises.
But if at the end of the day, Jungkook could finally be his. If at the end of that gruesome journey, he gets to have Jungkook like this—to taste and feel him in a way only he can...
Then Namjoon thinks that the pain of losing him was worth absolutely the joy of finally having Jungkook back.
And the best part? This time, Jungkook and Namjoon were here to stay. For good.
FIN.