Chapter Text
They walked home together that day. The other three were talking a lot, eyes sparkling happily. It made Hajime feel warm inside to see them like this, lost in each other without a feeling of guilt or fear or pain ruining the moment.
Hajime didn't talk a lot during the walk home, didn't talk at all if he was being honest. He was too wrapped up in his own head, his thoughts swirling around like leafs during a storm. His eyes kept darting down to Matsukawa's hand, wondering if he should take it or just continue to walk the way the usually did.
The question disappeared as soon as Matsukawa pushed his hand into the pocket of his jacket. Hajime couldn't help feeling a little disappointed at the missed opportunity but his mind was quick to give him something else to think - or rather to worry - about.
Hajime wasn't someone who got lost in his own head a lot. Usually he was the one who got others out of their all-consuming thoughts instead of falling into his own. It felt a little ridiculous that one of the few times that Hajime couldn't think rationally was in a situation that should actually be content and nice.
Somehow, Hajime had managed to get himself three boyfriends in the span of one and a half week. Three out of the three people he was in love with felt the same way for him and yet Hajime couldn't seem to feel at ease.
He glanced at the other three. Oikawa was talking, moving his hands around, while Matsukawa and Hanamaki listened, sometimes exchanging fond glances that made Hajime's heart soften and tighten at the same time.
It wasn't all that different from what they usually did while walking home but somehow Hajime felt like it was nowhere near the same either. There was something new in the way they looked at each other, something more open and with that also so much more vulnerable. Hajime wondered if he looked at them like that, with shining eyes and soft features.
There was a bitter taste on the tip of Hajime's tongue when he turned away from the others, focussing on the street instead of the emotions in their eyes.
He felt like his heart was trapped in a cage far too small for it, making it want to escape and run away. Hajime scowled a little at that, straightening his shoulders.
He knew that everyone had something they were scared of but this seemed so ridiculous and so out of nowhere. It had been fine in the beginning, when he had only dated Hanamaki and it had been fine when he had kissed Matsukawa in his kitchen, so why wasn't it fine now?
Why did he suddenly feel the urge to turn around and walk away, leaving the current situation to go back to when they had only been friends? It was stupid because then, Hajime had been longing and yearning and aching for what he had right now. It had been all he had wanted but now, out of a sudden, all of this felt overwhelming and suffocating and scary, somehow.
Hajime just wanted to be alone and get the fear out of his systhem, or at least find out what exactly he was so scared of.
His heart squeezed a little tighter in his chest when he remembered that his time alone would have to wait even longer than just the walk home. Because the Hajime of the past day had been convinced that once they were actually together everything would be good.
The Hajime of yesterday had somehow assumed that if Oikawa actually felt the same, they could spend more time together and sleep over at his house - like Oikawa and him used to do it all the time. And that was why the Hajime of Tuesday had told his parents that Hanamaki and Matsukawa (and under the right circumstances Oikawa too) would sleep over.
His parents had been a little sceptical because it was a school night and if they stayed up late, they wouldn't be able to wake up in time. Hajime had assured them that that wouldn't happen, had even said that if it went wrong, he'd sell one of the godzilla plushies his parents thought he was too old for. In hindsight Hajime regrets both, his promise and the fact that he made them change their minds in the first place.
But now he couldn't take it back anymore. Oikawa was already filled in to the plan, they had already passed Hanamaki's bus stop and Matsukawa's house was right around the corner.
Hajime's stomach twisted in dread and he pushed his hands in his jackets to avoid fumbling with his keychain. It was already bad enough that he felt like this in the first place, he really didn't want his friends to notice it too. They had had enough drama for two weeks.
"What do you think, Iwa-chan?"
Hajime whipped his head around to look at Oikawa, the nervousness in his stomach spreading around his body until he could feel his fingers tingle.
"Huh?"
Oikawa pouted, Hanamaki snickered and Matsukawa raised an eyebrow, bumping his shoulder against Hajime's.
The place where they had touched tingled even more and Hajime could feel his fingers twitch, urging to touch his shoulder.
"What's so distracting, Iwaizumi?" Hanamaki grinned.
You and this and everything, Hajime thought.
"Nothing," he muttered instead, "I just zoned out."
"Well -" Oikawa cleared his throat - "I asked if you noticed something between Kindaichi and Kunimi. They have basically been glued to each other's side for the past week."
Hanamaki wiggled his eyebrows and Matsukawa snorted.
"Aren't they always like that?" Hajime asked, frowning slightly.
"Yeah, but it's more intense now," Oikawa exlained, "I think they're dating."
Hajime felt like his heart was going to explode if it squeezed any tighter. He felt a little sick at the thought of, once again, not having noticed someone this close to him be in love.
"Huh," he made quietly.
"It's really not that surprising," Matsukawa remarked, "They've been dancing around each other ever since the beginning of this year."
"Which is still not as long as we did," Hanamaki thought out loud.
Hajime huffed a little, pushing his hands farther into his pockets. One more turn and they'd finally be at his house, he realized then, spotting the alien sticker Oikawa had left on one of the lampposts.
"It's kind of ironic that you two got together before anyone else even though you are probably the mist awkward out of us," Matsukawa commented, "I mean it happened over an arm wrestling match."
Hajime felt the sudden urge to slam his head against the alien lamppost. With every word they spoke about this topic, he could feel the feeling of dread and worry increase.
Hanamaki blushed.
"At least I didn't have a dramatic exit in front of all of our kouhai," he responded.
Oikawa giggled.
"You don't really get to laugh," Matsukawa grinned, "You ate with two first years to escape us."
Oikawa pouted, scrunching his nose up a little.
"In conclusion, all of us are idiots," Hanamaki said, a crooked grin on his lips.
"In other news, the sun is a star." Hajime eyed the other three, earning dramatic gasps and a mischievious grin.
"That includes you too, you know?" Matsukawa reminded him.
Hajime scoffed, making Hanamaki and Oikawa laugh.
They stopped at his front door, the other three joking in the background while Hajime searched for his keys in his backpack, his hands shakier than they had been when they had left the school ground.
Hajime unlocked the door, letting his friends in.
"You can just go to my room," he told them, pretending to be focused on the door, "I'll just ask my parents about dinner."
"But I want to say hi to your parents," Oikawa disagreed, "I haven't seen them in so long."
"You'll see them when we eat dinner." Hajime turned around, closing the door behind him. "You have to look if your spare clothes are in my closet or if you have to get some from your home."
Oikawa huffed but didn't argue any farther. Hajime watched as he and Hanamaki walked towards his room, Matsukawa staying behind.
Please, Hajime thought, just give me two minutes alone.
"Don't tell me you missed my parents, too," Hajime joked dryly, "You saw them yesterday."
"You know, I always thought Oikawa hid everything behind senseless talk," Matsukawa replied just as dryly, eyeing him from head to toe.
Hajime froze, eyes widening and his hands clenching to fists.
"What's going on?"
Hajime looked at Matsukawa, guilt settling in his heart.
While Hanamaki and Oikawa weren't as observant as Matsukawa when it came to love, they noticed it just as quickly as him when something was wrong with Hajime. And that meant that they were probably aware that something was wrong but wanted to talk it out somewhere less open.
Fuck. They weren't supposed to notice. This is just because you're being stupid. They don't need to know, they shouldn't know.
Hajime opened his mouth but Matsukawa cut him off.
"And don't say it's nothing because I don't believe you."
Hajime sighed.
"Fine," he muttered, "But can we not do this here? I'll tell you in my room, okay?"
Matsukawa looked at him for a little longer, eyebrows slightly furrowed, before nodding at turning to go to Hajime's room.
Great, Hajime thought, this is just great.
~
When Hajime closed the door behind him, Oikawa, Hanamaki and Matsukawa were sitting on his bed, an expectant expression on their faces.
So they really did notice.
Hajime held on to the door knob for longer than necessary, his heart clenching and his stomach twisting.
"Dinner's in an hour," he said.
"Great," Hanamaki answered, "And now tell us what's wrong."
"Why do you even think there's something wrong?" Hajime muttered, sitting down on the floor with his legs crossed.
"You were so quiet and grumpy on the walk here." Oikawa leaned forward a little when he talked. "And you kept looking everywhere else but at us."
Hajime could see the question in his eyes, basically screaming at him and suffocating him.
Is it because of me?
That wasn't true, not really at least. It had something to do with Oikawa but it wasn't because of him. It was because of Hajime and the thoughts in his head that didn't leave him alone.
"So, what's wrong?" Hanamaki repeated, sliding from the bed onto the floor.
"It's stupid." Hajime looked down.
"Maybe it is," Matsukawa agreed, "But it's still bothering you, so that doesn't matter."
"I -" Hajime interrupted himself, trying to find the right words to describe what he was feeling and thinking - "I don't even know what's going on, I don't really understand it. It's just that -"
He frowned, fumbling with the hem of his shirt.
Why is this so goddamn hard?
Hajime felt like his emotions were trapped inside of him and somehow he couldn't get them out to show them to the other three.
"I think I'm scared."
The words came out steadier than Hajime had thought they would.
"Why?" Hanamaki asked, "Do you like someone else that you haven't told us about?" He gave Hajime a lighthearted grin that made his heart flutter a bit.
Hajime shook his head.
"All of this is just so different, I guess. And I know it was already different when I was only dating Hanamaki but now it's so much more real." Hajime frowned even more, biting his lip. "I just don't understand any of this. Everything is so new and now that all of us are together there is so much that could go wrong and so much that I could lose."
Hajime felt a familiar burn behind his eyes but somehow thea tears didn't actually spill. Hajime wished they did because then, maybe, they would wash away the rocks on his chest.
"Iwaizumi -" Matsukawa started but Hajime shook his head, not having said enough yet.
"I just don't know how I'm supposed to do this right when I don't even understand what's right and what's not."
Hajime took a deep breath, clinging onto the fabric of his shirt.
"This is so fucking stupid," he muttered to himself.
They remained silent for a bit and Hajime could feel all of his limbs get more tense with every passing second.
"You're right," Oikawa spoke up, "There's a lot to lose."
Hajime looked up at him. Oikawa was looking back, a slight smile on his lips despite the words that were leaving them.
"But I don't think that we're going to lose," he continued, "This relationship might be very new and also kind of scary but loving you, at least for me, is nothing new. I've been doing it for three years and longer and as far as I know, you did too."
Hajime nodded absently.
"See? I don't think that much has to change. It's more about the things that can change if you want them to." Oikawa put a finger to his lips. "Like kissing or something."
"Wise words, captain," Hanamaki smiled, "I think I have tears in my eyes."
Hajime chuckled a little. The tight feeling in his chest wasn't gone yet but there was also something else now, something lighter and warmer and softer.
"But seriously-" Hanamaki turned to Hajime - "I think we're going to be fine. And I think you're going to be great, at least you've been for the past week."
Hajime could feel his face heat up.
"You're all sappy as fuck," Matsukawa remarked, smirking a bit, "but I agree. We've been friends for so long, if we were sick of you, we would all know by now."
"Thanks," Hajime murmured, exhaling deeply. He leaned back a little, feeling the weight on his chest fade away and the tension in his limbs slowly disappear.
"That's what boyfriends are for, right?" Hanamaki grinned.
Hajime smiled at that, the word 'boyfriends' causing a flip of his stomach - the good kind that is.
"Yeah," he breathed.
"You know what else boyfriends are for?" Oikawa chimed in.
Hajime frowned a bit, leaning towards the brunet.
Oikawa grinned a little at that, leaning in his direction as well, careful not to fall off the bed.
Hajime couldn't remember the last time Oikawa's face had been this close to his. The other's eyes were warm and soft and his breath felt hot against Hajime's lips. His entire face was heating up and he could feel his lips tingle in anticipation, already knowing what was yet to come.
"Kissing," Oikawa responded to his own question, bumping his nose against Hajime's.
Hajime laughed soundlessly, cupping Oikawa's face with his hands. Oikawa grinned back at him, leaning farther in to press his lips against Hajime's.
Hajime sat up a little straighter, making it easier for both of them to keep their lips interlocked. Oikawa felt soft and slow and he tasted like strawberry lip balm.
Oikawa hummed against Hajime's lips, one hand steading himself on the bed and the other sliding over Hajime's side in a way that was oddly calming.
Hajime smiled when they pulled away, eyes still closed and revelling in the aftertaste of it.
His heart fluttered and the last bit of heaviness and fear was gone with the wind.
"You do know that it's not just you two in here, right?" Hanamaki asked but when Hajime looked at him, he was smiling softly.
Hajime nodded. It wasn't just the two of them because now all four of them were finally together. And maybe - hopefully - it would stay that way for a long time.