Chapter Text
Oikawa Tooru always knew what he wanted and usually he chased after it too, no matter how fast he would have to run. He was used to it, used to reaching for the stars and he was just as used to the sun rising and making them disappear. Still, even if there were a few things Tooru couldn't hold on to yet, he continued to chase after them, he tried and tried and tried, no matter what other people said. And usually that took him farther, made him fly higher and let the stars come a little closer. But somehow this was completely different from reaching for the stars.
"I really hope that this is for me or else I might not be able to forgive you." Tooru didn't greet his friends when he opened the door but they didn't seem to mind all that much.
Hanamaki, Matsukawa and Iwaizumi were standing at Tooru's doorstep, matching expressions of embarrassment and guilt on their faces. Hanamaki was scratching the back of his neck, giving Tooru a careful half-smile that made it really hard to pretend that he was mad at them. Matsukawa was standing right next to him, their shoulders brushing against each other, and looked at Tooru with the hint of a grin on his face.
Tooru could feel the corners of his mouth twitch but he bit his lip to keep himself from smiling.
Iwaizumi, on Matsukawa's left side, was holding a basket with milkbread in his hands, his eyebrows furrowed and his gaze set on Tooru as if he was trying to read him.
"Hello to you too," Matsukawa joked, pushing his hands into the pockets of his pants.
"Coming from the man who didn't have the decency to say goodbye yesterday." Tooru dramatically out his hand over his heart, feigning offense.
"Yeah, sorry about that."
"We kind of messed up," Hanamaki chimed in.
"You could have listened to me," Tooru teased, "I would have expected this kind of reckless behaviour from Iwa-chan but not from you two. Truly disappointing."
He shook his head but smirked a little, signalizing that everything was fine between them. Tooru glanced at Iwaizumi, expecting his friend to react to his comment but the other just kept on silently staring at Tooru, his frown deepening.
"If he would have listened to you, then I wouldn't have two boyfriends instead of one," Hanamaki remarked, suddenly focused on Tooru in a similiar way to Iwaizumi.
Tooru could feel his blood freeze in his veins, an icy sting attacking his heart and snow filling his lungs until Tooru felt like he needed to gasp for air.
His smile fell and he stared at his friends, feeling his heart tightening when Hanamaki's hand brushed against Matsukawa's.
What did you think was going to happen?, Tooru scolded himself, Did you seriously assume that they were going to continue being friends after this?
No, he hadn't thought that, not really. As soon as he had lifted the blind fold from his eyes to look at his friends, he'd known what was going to happen. Suddenly everything fell into place and realization had hit him: realization that he was going to be alone after that night.
But somehow, hearing it from them and seeing them reach out for each other without pulling back just a second later, somehow that made it feel so much more present and so much more painful.
"Are you okay?" Iwaizumi spoke for the first time since Tooru had opened the door, his gaze still set on the taller boy. The expression on his face turned to worry and Tooru could see his fingers tapping against the basket.
"Yeah, yeah," Tooru grinned at him as happily as he could manage right now, "I was just thinking that you always call me dramatic, but in the end you're the ones who had two, theatrical kisses in front of everyone."
Hanamaki flushed and Iwaizumi scowled, though the tips of his ears turned red. Matsukawa just smirked a bit and shrugged his shoulders.
"It's not my fault I'm irresistable," he joked, not at all flustered by Tooru's teasing.
"It was a dare and you ran away immediately after it happened," Tooru reminded him.
"Semantics."
Tooru huffed and leaned against the doorway. His heart felt heavy in his chest and he wished that his friends would leave so that he could forget that any of this had ever happened, if only for a few hours.
"Can we maybe," Iwaizumi started, suddenly avoiding his gaze, "come in for a while?"
Tooru's eyes widened and he could feel his stomach twist.
Please don't.
He didn't know if he could stand being with them right now, watching them hold hands or kiss each other's cheek just like Hanamaki and Iwaizumi had done every day during the last week. Just that now it wouldn't be Tooru and Matsukawa watching but only Tooru.
He would have to watch them exchange touches and gazes that were meant for each other and no one else, not even for Tooru who shared everything with them, including his heart.
"I don't really have the time," he blurted out, "Takeru has a volleyball game in an hour and I need to do some stuff."
Tooru could see the frown return to Iwaizumi's face while Hanamaki and Matsukawa exchanged a quick glance that made Tooru's heart sting.
"I know that this must break your hearts but please don't cry over me," Tooru added, hoping that the melodramatic joke would make his lie a little more believable.
"Do you really not have any time?" Matsukawa asked.
"Nope." Tooru bit his lip to avoid chuckling nervously. "I really have to, uh, work on my math homework."
"I thought you finished that already," Hanamaki commented.
Tooru shrugged. "I forgot a bit," he lied, "But don't worry, we'll see each other on Monday. You won't have to miss me for too long."
"But we -," Matsukawa began but Tooru cut him off before he could say something else to question Tooru's excuses.
"I'll just take this-" Tooru took the milkbread out of Iwaizumi's arms. "-and then we'll see each other tomorrow."
Hanamaki opened his mouth but Tooru already made a few steps back, grabbing the door handle.
"Bye," he smiled and closed the door in front of his friends' faces.
As soon as he couldn't see them anymore, Tooru's smile wavered and he sighed deeply.
Tooru always knew what he wanted and he knew that he wanted to be with his best friends in a way that didn't suit the word "best friends" at all. He knew that he wanted to kiss them, hold them and make them laugh, wanted to stay with them until the stars ran out of light. He knew what he wanted but this time it seemed like it was way too far away for him to chase it.
~
The walk to school was awkward and tense and Tooru despised almost every second of it. The part he walked alone with Iwaizumi was usually filled with their bickering and talking about Science Fiction movies or volleyball but this time it felt different. Not like it had felt a week ago when Iwaizumi had been nervous because he was dating Hanamaki.
It was different because of that weird expression on the other's face, his intense gaze set on Tooru. Iwaizumi looked like he was trying to solve a puzzle but half of the pieces were missing. It made Tooru's skin tingle, because he was flustered and also because he didn't know what puzzle Iwaizumi was trying to solve.
When they picked up Matsukawa, everything became a little less unsettling but that didn't mean that it was any better.
"Good morning," Tooru grinned at his friend.
"Hi," the other replied, joining them to walk on Iwaizumi's right side.
Tooru could feel his heart burn when he saw their pinkies interlock for a few seconds until both of them pulled their hands away again, a blush on Iwaizumi's cheeks and the hint of a smile on Matsukawa's lips.
"So, how was Takeru's game?"
Tooru frowned before he remembered the lie he'd told his friends the day before when he had tried to escape them.
"Oh, he won." Tooru grinned at Matsukawa. "I'm glad to see that he has his uncle's skills."
"Isn't he a wing spiker?" Iwaizumi asked.
"That doesn't matter," Tooru huffed, "What counts is that he's good at it."
They continued talking about whatever came to their minds, switching from Takeru's non existent game to the new album of Matsukawa's favorite band and then to the tension between Kyoutani and Yahaba.
"The next time Yahaba slams Mad Dog-chan against a wall, they're probably going to start kissing on the spot," Tooru exclaimed, "It's painful to watch those two dance around each other."
"You know," Matsukawa grinned, "I think that when Watari ordered Makki and I to kiss, he was actually aiming for those two."
The reminder of what had happened on the week end left a bitter taste on Tooru's tongue. Memories from Saturday night flashed through his mind. Lips on lips and soft touches, the pretty image of a kiss slowly turning into a reality of loneliness.
"What are we talking about?" Hanamaki was waiting at the bus stop, hands in his pockets and a crooked grin on his face.
"About when you and Mattsun embarrassed yourself in front of everyone on Saturday," Tooru said, almost flinching at how bitter he sounded.
"The first time a girl kissed you, you called her an alien and she started crying," Iwaizumi commented dryly, reminding Tooru of what had been the most embarrassing moment in his life.
"That was in middle school," he defended himself, "It was supposed to be a compliment. It's not my fault she misunderstood."
"Why did you think calling her an alien after she kissed you was a good idea?" Hanamaki grinned.
"It was a compliment," Tooru repeated.
"What kind of compliment is that supposed to be?" Matsukawa laughed slightly.
"Aliens are cool." Tooru glared at his friend, "Besides-"
"Godzilla is better," Iwaizumi corrected him immediately, something that was almost more of a habbit than anything else, considering how often they had had that argument already.
"You're not having that discussion again," Hanamaki groaned.
"Besides," Tooru continued, ignoring both of his friends, "I bet you said something even more embarrassing after your first kiss."
"Hanamaki asked me if I had to tip toe to kiss him," Iwaizumi muttered.
Tooru could see Hanamaki blushing furiously while Matsukawa grinned.
His heart clenched in his chest.
Tooru bit back a sigh and walked a bit faster than before, hoping that this stupid walk was going to be over very soon.
~
The only thing that motivated Tooru throughout the day was the volleyball practice after school, the only time when his friends wouldn't be able to flaunt their relationship in front of him and the only time when Tooru could focus on something simpler than all of these emotions inside of him. After school Tooru would be able to play and forget about everything outside of the gym.
And so he tried to get the day over with while avoiding his friends as much as possible. During lunch he was walking around the school, only coming to his friends' usual table to have enough time to eat something. His excuse was a confession by a girl that was a little bit too persistent.
Tooru wasn't sure if his friends had believed him, judging by Matsukawa's raised eyebrow and Iwaizumi's frown, that was probably not the case. But it didn't matter because he'd rather tell bad lies than the painful truth.
Because I spent lunch hiding behind the school because seeing all of you together, being in love without me, makes my heart ache is not something you want to tell someone, especially not your best friends.
And that was why Tooru left as soon as Hanamaki exchanged glances with Matsukawa and Iwaizumi, opening his mouth to say something.
It was also the reason why Tooru rushed out of the locker room as soon as his friends had gotten changed, waiting long enough to not be suspicious or look like he was ignoring them but not staying to let them talk to him.
They practiced serves during practice, something that couldn't have been better for avoiding his friends without making it seem like he was ignoring them. All three of them knew that Tooru was very keen on improving, especially when it came to setting and his serve, so he knew that he could just practice in silence without being weird.
It was nice, hearing nothing but the noise of volleyballs hitting the floor, and only seeing the ball in front of him and the other side of the court. Tooru felt like he could finally breathe again, slamming one ball after the other over the net until his hand burned.
Practice was over way too quickly and Tooru could feel the lightness inside of his chest be replaced by dread of the walk home as soon as he saw his team head to the club room.
He turned to his friends, wanting to tell them that he would stay for a bit longer and that they could leave if they wanted to.
The three of them were standing in front of him, Hanamaki and Matsukawa wearing matching grins and Iwaizumi holding a volleyball in his hand, a slight smirk on his face.
"Do you want to stay a little bit longer?" Hanamaki asked, "We haven't played together for a while now."
Tooru wanted to scream.
Why does nothing ever go as planned?
"I can't," he forced himself to say even though it physically pained him to refuse an extra training session. Especially when it was approved by Iwaizumi of all people who usually dragged him home as soon as he even thought about it.
"You can't," Matsukawa repeated, the smirk on his face fading.
"Yes." Tooru nodded quickly. "My mother wants me to be home very soon today."
"Really?" Hanamaki frowned, pushing his hands into the sides of his shorts.
"Yes," Tooru said.
"But -" Iwaizumi started.
"I really appreciate how desperate you are to see me but I can't."
"We really need to talk." Iwaizumi made a step towards Tooru.
He could feel his heart beat in his entire body, fast and hard, telling him to leave as long as he still could.
"We can talk tomorrow."
He looked at his friends and the disappointed looks on their faces made Tooru's heart ache.
"I promise," he added softly.
"Okay," Matsukawa answered but he didn't look all too convinced.
Before they could say anything else, Tooru turned around and rushed out of the gym, not daring to look back.