Chapter Text
Throughout the past few days, Tooru had thought that he'd been building himself a ladder out of the hole he was trapped in. A ladder of lies that would help him climb out of the situation he had found himself in, so that he could leave it behind. Instead, Tooru realized now, he had only dug a deeper hole for himself, the earth crumbling above him and threatening to fall down and bury him alive.
All of the lies and excuses he had made were going to collapse onto him as soon as his friends would ask the first questions. His friends whom Tooru had shunned and run away from for the past three days with no explanation at all. His friends who probably wanted to talk about his feelings for them, asking him to grant them a look into his heart so that they could rip it in pieces once and for all.
Tooru felt sick. He hadn't said a single word after his friends had stormed into the locker room. Instead, he was still staring at them, eyes wide and his heart twisting and clenching in his chest, as if it was trying to get out of his ribcage.
He opened his mouth, just to close it again. He wanted to say something, be it another excuse to avoid this conversation or an actual apology for what had happened. He wanted to talk to them but the words couldn't seem to get past his lips.
"Don't run away again," Hanamaki said, firm but a little bit softer than before.
Tooru focused on him for a few seconds. Hanamaki looked serious, not unamused or unbothered but completely serious. He was looking right back at Tooru, a silent plead written on his face.
Stay. Please.
Tooru took a deep breathe and then nodded.
He nodded because even though he didn't want to stay, not in the slightest bit, he would do everything to make the look on Hanamaki's face go away. That look like he was going to run away as soon as they turned their backs on him. This openly hurt expression that Tooru had been the cause of.
"I won't run away," Tooru whispered hoarsely.
He watched as Hanamaki's expression shifted. His face relaxed and the corners of his mouth twitched, the ghost of a smile showing for a few seconds.
And even though Tooru was still dreading the conversation that was yet to come, he could feel his chest lighten and his heart flutter, if only for a bit.
"Good," Hanamaki responded.
"Maybe we should sit down or something," Iwaizumi chimed in.
Tooru could feel fear crawling back into him, spreading in his chest and filling his lungs. He glanced at his best friend of more than fifteen years.
Iwaizumi wasn't looking at him and Tooru didn't know whether to feel relieved that he wasn't getting stared at as if he was some sort of crossword puzzle or to be even more anxious because what if that was even worse?
"Sounds good," Matsukawa said awkwardly, "This could take a while."
"But what about practice?" Tooru frowned, feeling the usual itchy feeling in his fingers when he thought about his favourite part of the day.
"We're not needed today," Matsukawa said, "Coach wants to practice with the new team and he said that we're useless as long as we're like this." He gestured between the four of them when he said the last two words.
Hanamaki snorted and Iwaizumi huffed.
"But what about everyone else?" Tooru looked around the locker room. "They have to get changed too, we should probably talk somewhere else."
"I thought you said you wouldn't run away," Iwaizumi reminded him in the same tone of voice he used when he told Tooru about not staying up late to watch other teams' matches.
"I'm not running away," Tooru defended himself," I just don't want to stop anyone from playing, that's all."
Of course, there was still a part inside of him that wanted to take the next best chance he'd get to bolt out of the room, Tooru couldn't deny that, but this time he wasn't going to act on it. It seemed useless anyway, at some point they would have to have this conversation and it was probably better to talk about it now than to wait until graduation.
"Everyone else will have to get changed somewhere else. It's not like they haven't done that before."
Tooru nodded again.
"Okay," he said, "then let's do this."
Let's not, his brain argued.
His heart ached and his stomach twisted.
"Yeah," Matsukawa muttered, "Let's do this."
He grabbed one of the chairs that always stood around the room and sat down, waiting for everyone else to do the same.
I'm not the only one who's making this longer than it has to be, Tooru noted in his head, they're also nervous.
Tooru didn't really know what his friends were nervous about. They were not the ones about to talk about their deepest, darkest secret that could ruin their entire friendship.
Hanamaki and Iwaizumi pulled two other chairs on Matsukawa's right and left side (unnecessarily slow, Tooru noticed). Tooru sat down in front of them, hands in his lap and his heart in his throat.
He felt like he was standing with his back against the wall. There was no way he could get out of this situation anymore, he had agreed to stay and talk to them and he was going to do just that. He was going to say the truth and only the truth, no matter how much it was going to hurt.
Tooru dug his nails into the palm of his hand.
"So, where did you eat today?"
Tooru scrunched his nose up in confusion. He gazed up at Hanamaki who was looking everywhere but not in his direction.
"With Kunimi and Kindaichi," Tooru answered slowly, not sure if Hanamaki had tried to draw the actual conversation further out or if he had just been worried for nothing.
"Really?" Hanamaki still wasn't looking at him.
Tooru glanced at his other two friends. Iwaizumi was hiding his face in his hands while Matsukawa was staring at Hanamaki in his typical deadpan are-you-fucking-kidding-me kind of way.
"Is that really what you wanted to talk about?" Tooru raised an eyebrow. "Who I ate with?"
It was silent for a few seconds. The three boys in front of him exchanged nervous gazes, still avoiding Tooru's eyes like the plague. For some reason, it felt a little bit less scary to know that his friends were just as scared to have this conversation as he was.
"No," Iwaizumi responded after a while, "That's not what we wanted to talk about."
"You've been avoiding us," Matsukawa started, speaking slowly like he was making sure he got everything right.
Tooru bit his lip and looked down, guilt settling in his heart.
"After we told you that we all got together," Hanamaki continued, "you started avoiding us."
"Why?" Tooru casted his eyes on Iwaizumi. The other was looking right back at him, eyebrows furrowed and frowning like he always did when he was worried about someone.
"You want to know why I avoided you," Tooru repeated even slower than Matsukawa, "Why I avoided you after you revealed your relationship to me."
"Yes," Hanamaki answered, "That's what we want to know."
"I-" Tooru dug his nails deeper into his skin.
He knew that he would have to say this, knew what this entire conversation had been for and yet, he still felt overwhelmed by the question.
"And don't lie," Matsukawa added, "Please."
Tooru felt like he had been stabbed, like there was a knife right where his heart was and it was getting pushed deeper with every word his friends spoke.
You know already, don't you? So why are you making me say it.
"It's not like I wanted to," Tooru started, "It just kind of happened."
He wanted to say more, wanted to explain but the words were stuck in his throat.
"That's not all," Iwaizumi remarked.
"I don't want to say it," Tooru admitted quietly, "I don't think I can."
"Whatever it is, it's okay. Just spit it out."
"It's not that easy," Tooru muttered, "I-"
He stopped talking, not knowing what he had even planned on saying.
"I can go first if you don't know what to say." Matsukawa spoke through the silence.
Tooru eyed him suspiciously.
So you do know already.
"How can you say something about why I avoided you?"
Maybe that was a little mean and maybe Tooru's tone of voice was a little harsh but he couldn't help feeling a little betrayed as to why his friend was making him say the painful truth if he already knew everything.
"I don't know why you're running away but I can tell you why I was," Matsukawa countered.
"Well, we all know why." Tooru crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, the dagger in chest turning and twisting and aching. "Otherwise we wouldn't be here."
"Are you sure that this is a good idea?" Hanamaki asked, ignoring Tooru's comment, "What if you got this all wrong?"
"We have to talk about it sooner or later. It doesn't matter if I'm wrong."
"What are you even talking about?" Tooru asked.
He wanted this to be over as soon as possible and with every time someone changed the topic, there was at least another minute added onto this conversation.
Tooru watched as Iwaizumi linked his hand with Matsukawa's in a way that was probably supposed to be reassuring. Tooru felt like crying.
"Well -," Matsukawa started, suddenly sounding just as careful and anxious as Tooru when he had tried to talk about his feelings, " - I'm talking about the fact that I'm in love with Hanamaki and Iwaizumi."
Tooru could feel his heart break into a billion of pieces. If they already knew, and he was sure that they did, then why did they have to rub it into his face? Why did they have to tell him how in love they were? Why did they have to show him that they didn't need him, didn't want him, at all?
"I'm in love with Hanamaki and Iwaizumi and I'm in love with you."
Tooru's jaw dropped. His heart skipped at least four beats and then it soared.
Tooru didn't know if he was going to cry, smile or just laugh hysterically.
He loves me. Mattsun loves me.
"Me too," Hanamaki added when Tooru didn't say anything for a while, "I love all three of you, romantically."
Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.
Tooru felt like someone had put Helium in his chest, like he was going to start floating at every given second.
"I love you too," Iwaizumi said, "If you didn't already know that."
Tooru blinked a few times, gawking at his three best friends who had just said what Tooru had only ever expected them to say in his dreams.
"We thought we should tell you because Matsukawa thought you have feelings for us too," Hanamaki explained.
"At least for them," Matsukawa said, "It was kind of obvious."
They love me. They love me. They love me. All of them love me.
Tooru had never felt so warm in his entire life. His entire body was tingling and he felt like he was going to dissolve into confetti.
"Why aren't you saying anything?" Iwaizumi frowned, visbily becoming more nervous. "Oikawa?"
Tooru blinked a few times.
"You love me?" He hadn't meant for it to sound as stupid and toneless as it did but for some reason it came out like that.
"Yes," Hanamaki repeated, "For three years."
"Seven years," Iwaizumi corrected quietly, "in my case."
I love you too, Tooru wanted to say, I love you so much it hurt to look at you without me because I thought that I could never have you in the way I wanted to.
"Oh," he made instead.
"What does that mean?" Matsukawa frowned. "Can you just say something?"
"I love you too," Tooru blurted out, "All of you. A lot. And when you got together I started avoiding you because I didn't think you felt the same way about me."
"Of course we do, dumbass," Iwaizumi answered, a smile forming on his lips that made Tooru's heart melt in his chest.
"Oh my god." Hanamaki put a hand over his heart. "I thought I was going to die. Why did you take so long?"
Tooru opened his mouth but was quickly interrupted by Matsukawa.
"I call dibs on kissing you first."
Tooru blinked a few times, his heart beat speading up once again.
"What?" Hanamaki turned to Matsukawa. "Why?"
"Yeah, why?" Iwaizumi scowled.
"Well, you kissed Hanamaki first and Hanamaki kissed you and me first. That means I get to kiss Oikawa first." Matsukawa grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "It just makes sense."
"Do I not get a say in this?" Tooru chimed in.
His three friends (boyfriends?) looked at him, Matsukawa smirked while Hanamaki and Iwaizumi were both pouting.
"Do you not want to kiss me?"
Tooru just grinned and leaned forward to connect their lips. It felt soft and nice and warm and so much better than every girl Tooru had ever kissed in his life. Matsukawa cupped Tooru's face in his hands and he could feel him smiling into the kiss.
"Get a room," Hanamaki commented and the two of them pulled away to smirk at the other boy.
"You're just jealous that you haven't kissed me yet," Tooru teased.
"Well, then we should probably change that, shouldn't we?"
Tooru grinned and then they were kissing too. Hanamaki's lips were a little bit less soft than Matsukawa's and the kiss tasted a little sweeter. It wasn't a long kiss but the few seconds that their lips met felt like eternity.