Chapter Text
It all felt like a dream. One moment he was holding Hinata in his arms, pleading to anyone up there to keep Hinata alive, and the next moment he was sitting in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room of the hospital.
His hands were stiff, coated in blood yet he was hesitant to wash it off because for now that’s the only thing he had close to Hinata.
Eventually however, Suga, as if noticing his struggle whether to wash his hands or not, brought some wipes and gently cleaned off the blood. Even making sure to get under his nails. He handed Kageyama a sweatshirt and some sweatpants to change into, as his clothes were still wet and stained with blood.
After he changed, Kageyama sat hunched in his chair in silence. He figures that at some point the team had to have arrived, but he’s not really focused at the moment.
He looks around and notices all the grim faces around him. Everyone is on the edge of breaking yet holding a brave face for the sake of others. But it was clear how emotional they all were, even if they tried to hide it.
He thinks to himself that Hinata wouldn’t want this. He would’ve chastised that for being all sad and grumpy and would’ve pulled some stupid stunt to make them laugh.
Kageyama has to remind himself that Hinata wasn’t as happy as he made him out to be.
It’s been quiet. The buzz of the busy hospital wasn’t enough to break the bubble of distraught everyone had placed around themselves. No one really spoke, apart of some quiet chatter of asking if anyone wanted something to eat drink.
He had been offered something to eat, small, just a protein bar, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to stomach it. The guilt filled him more that any food could ever fill him. He was right there, in the same house, probably just 20 feet away, and yet he couldn’t stop Hinata.
He should’ve been more responsible. With being given the task to walk with Hinata home and stay there, he should’ve actually watched him and not just sit in his room waiting for his turn for the bathroom.
The poor nurse though, had to be fed up with Tanakas constant questions about Hinatas condition. Yet she always had the same reply. “We don’t know”
“It’s my fault” Kageyama croaked out, voice hoarse from all the crying and yelling. “I was right there I-I should’ve known” he looked down to his feet, not able to look his teammates in their eyes.
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know- we all didn’t know. Hinata is...is in a bad place, a very bad place. He’s tried for so long to make everything better, sadly it hasn’t really worked out. He’s desperate” Coach Ukai said. “This isn’t your fault. It’s been happening for a while. Had someone else been there, or no one at all, he would’ve tried again. Don’t take the blame kid. It’s not your fault”
Kageyama sniffled. “I should’ve been there. I was supposed to watch him”
“Yeah maybe you could’ve, or maybe you couldn’t” Tsukishima cut in. “But because of what you did, Hinata still has chance. You checked up on him and found him. Could you have done it earlier? Maybe, but these are just other possibilities that are out of your control”
”Yeah. Because of you Shoyo still has some fight left in him. And we all know how strong he is” Noya smiled softly.
It went quiet again after that, but everyone was still thinking about Noyas words.
Shoyo still has some fight left in him. And we all know how strong he is
Kageyama knows that Hinata is strong. But his heart breaks at the thought the he shouldn’t have to be. He shouldn’t have to stomach all the hurt and put a brave facade on and go through his day. Hinata is allowed to break, allowed to fall.
But god, he just hopes he’s willing to get back up again.
“Anyone here for Hinata Shoyo?” A doctor approached the team who were sitting and waiting.
Coach Ukai immediately shot up. “Yes!” he said rather loud. And more quietly he added. “How is he?”
”Are you a relative?” the doctor asked as he raised his eyebrow in question.
“N-“
”Actually he’s his legal guardian. His mother is away for work” Takeda cut in.
The doctor looked down to his clipboard and then back up. “You’re Keishin Ukai?”
“Yes sir” Ukai replied, anxious, waiting for the news, as the doctors face was stoic, not revealing anything of Hinatas posible condition.
“Well, Hinata is thankfully alive” everyone sagged in relief, tears spilling down their faces, tension leaving their body.
“Everything went well, we were close to losing him once or twice, but he’s a strong boy” the doctor gave a small smile.
“However, i’d like to speak to his legal guardian about treatment. It’s protocol that anyone who attempts suicide has to stay here at the hospital for a week, and then transfer to a mental facility for two weeks”
“I’ll speak to his mother” Ukai said, the doctor nodding in confirmation.
“Can we see him?” Kageyama said, finally looking at the doctor.
He smiled again. “Of course. Let me fetch a nurse to take you” the doctor said before leaving momentarily, coming back with a nurse.
“He’s still asleep so try to be quiet. Rules are only one or two people at a time, but i’ll let you guys go all at once. If there’s too much ruckus i’ll have to take you out” the nurse said, giving all of them a bright smile.
The nurse sighed. “It’s not uncommon to get people who attempt here. But it’s not everyday it’s a young kid. So please try and be there for him okay?” she asked softly.
Everyone nodded, determined to not fail Hinata as they felt they did the first time.
They all entered the quiet room, laying eyes on the pale boy in front of them. Kageyamas throat tightens because Hinata looks exactly like he did in the bathtub. The beeping monitor was pretty much the only confirmation they had that he was alive.
“Will he be okay?” asked Asahi as he stood in front of Hinatas bed.
“He’s expected to make a full recovery and to wake up soon. He’s lucky he didn’t damage a nerve, so he’ll be okay with proper treatment” the nurse reassured the sad team.
After making sure they were all situated, she bid them a quiet goodbye and told them to press the button behind the bed if anything were to happen.
Suga and Kageyama sat in the chairs closest to Hinatas bed, the others either taking the chairs at the front of bed on the wall, or standing close by Hinata.
”I cant imagine being in his situation” Daichi said quietly, everyone hearing it because of the silent room. “I can’t imagine how he was feeling. How he had to feel to resort to this”
No one replied, not knowing how to, or what to say. There weren’t any words to really be able to fix this.
Suga brought a shaky hand up to Hinatas hair. “It got back some of its color” he said, smiling so softly that if you weren’t looking for it you’d miss it.
“It did” Kageyama said, eyeing how the hair wasn’t as dull as it was before.
Nishinoya fiddled a bit nervously. “Can i...Can i ask something?” he said hesitantly, looking at Kageyama and Suga.
Suga nodded, looking at Noya with a bit of curiosity. Kageyama simply shrugged.
Noya took a deep breath. “What was it like?” he asked timidly. “Finding him” he added.
Kageyama sucked in a breath, tightened his hand in a fist. Suga shuffled a bit, not exactly uncomfortable with the question, more so sad at the memories.
“I-I’m sorry maybe i shouldn’t have asked-“
”It was scary” Kageyama interrupted Noya. Silence ringing after his words, everyone listening expectingly.
“I knew he was...doing it. I couldn’t stop it. I begged him, knocking on door, for him to stop. He was at the other side yet it felt like we were miles apart” Kageyama sniffled. “I yelled so loud. Wishing for him to listen. I don’t know how far he had gone when i started to scream” he said.
“When i managed to open the door, i saw him. Part of me felt that Hinata had already d-died. His eyes were just...filled with resignation. He had already given up” he said. “I held him, as he...as he took his last breath. Suga came in, and i begged him to tell me what to do. There’s was nothing. It was terrifying” Kageyama said, more tears slipping down his face. He turned to look to the floor, not able to look at anyone.
Suga rubbed circles into his back. “You did the best you could in the situation” he assured him.
“I’m sorry” Noya said. It was simply words, but what else can he say? What else can anyone say?
Suddenly everyone heard a small shuffle. Their eyes shot up towards Hinata form and saw as the boy scrunched up his face in a form of slight discomfort, his eyes fluttering.
“H-Hinata?” Suga said as he got up and laid a hand on the gingers cheek, moving his thumb to softly caress the skin under it.
”S-Suga-san?”
“Can you open your eyes for me?” Suga urged softly.
Hinatas eyes fluttered a bit more until they finally opened. They all watched as Hinata tried to blink the sleep out of his eyes, the pain meds probably being the blame of how hard it was to wake up.
The boys eyes trailed across the room. His chest clenching slightly in pain yet he can’t remember why. Subconsciously he knows why he’s laying on the hospital yet his mind is too foggy to actually comprehend it.
“Water please” Hinata whispered, voice slightly hoarse and rough.
Almost in an instant Daichi was at his side with a glass of water in hand. He brought the cup to his lips and tilted him for him, making sure he wouldn’t choke.
After his throat felt better, he pulled away and laid his head back down. His mind was still clouded, but he felt more comfortable now that he was feeling refreshed.
As he looked at the sad eyes of his teammates, his own eyes started to fill with tears.
“I’m sor-“
”Don’t apologize” a voice interrupted him. He looked to his side and noticed Kageyamas sitting figure there.
“But i-“
”There’s still nothing to apologize for” added the blue-eyed boy, interrupting Hinata yet again.
”Hes right you know. You did nothing wrong-well you know what i mean” Yamaguchi scratched the back of his neck nervously.
“Is mom here?” Hinata asked the question everyone was afraid he would. At their grim faces he already had his answer.
Ukai sighed. “No, i’m sorry kid. She said she’ll be on her way”
“Then she’s not coming.” Hinata huffed, disappointed for even thinking she’d be there for him.
“Maybe shes actually coming Hinata-“ Asahi said, feeling bad for the boy.
“She isn’t. It’s the same excuse she uses every time. I don’t know why i expected anything different from her” he looked down in shame. “I bet you’ll be receiving a phone call from her saying that her flight was delayed and she’ll reschedule. She’ll never actually come” he sighed, more tears stinging at his eyes.
The lack of his mother being there for him hurt much more than he led on, but part of him was already used to it.
”I’m sorry kid. For i have guardianship over you okay? You’re not alone” Ukai said gently.
Hinata nodded, his eyes dropping, already tired.
“Why don’t you get some more rest okay?” Suga said as he noticed how Hinata was fighting sleep.
Hinatas eyes closed a bit more. “Will guys stay?”
”We will always be here. We’ll be here when you wake up Hinata” those were the last words Hinata heard as he drifted off to sleep.