Chapter Text
Nico awoke to the pink light of the sunset streaming through the window into his eyes. Sometime during his nap, Will had slunk out leaving him alone and chilly. He fumbled for the blanket and dragged it up to his chin before burying his nose.
The setting sun reminded Nico of the inevitable: dinner.
It was a matter of minutes before his boyfriend would appear with a plate of bread and meats, likely paired with a chalice of juice or something else sugar choked in a desperate attempt to get calories into his system. Then he would enjoy a delightful hour of spewing his guts. Nico disappeared under his comforter and squished his eyes shut against the throbbing of his head. He made a note to ask for some ice.
Cocooned in his blankets, Nico became painfully aware that the reek of vomit still clung to his breath and skin. With an irritated huff Nico kicked back the covers and shakily rose to make his way to the bathroom.
The water was ice cold on his face as he splashed it aggressively against his skin. Despite his efforts, swishing water in his mouth did little to relieve him of the acid in his mouth. The front of Nico’s shirt had been drenched in water from leaning heavily against the sink counter. Droplets slid from his face down his neck. Pathetically, Nico felt himself shiver.
Crawling back into bed, Nico maneuvered his beat up leather jacket back on. He burrowed back into the blanket, tugging them up over his head. Eventually his pride shriveled enough for him to sit up and call for Will.
“Comin’...’” Will’s voice was quiet from down the hall. His head popped in the door, eyes soft at the sight of Nico pressed into the corner with a knee pulled to his chest, blankets swaddled around his waist. “Feeling any better after some sleep? You were out cold for hours.”
Nico wormed his way out of the stiff infirmary bed to cram his feet into worn boots. He held his injured arm protectively to his chest.
“I’m gonna go back to the Hades cabin.” He said, tone soft but voice rough. “Think I’ll call Hazel and go to bed early.”
Will swept a hand through his hair, swiping an irritating lock out of his eyes to refocus on Nico.
“Good plan, but you gotta eat something first babe.”
Nico pressed his nose into Will’s chest, after checking that the door was firmly shut. He groaned in annoyance as Will ran his hands soothingly down his spine. Each vertebrae strained against his skin.
“But I don’t feel well.” He whined, snaking his arms around his boyfriend.
“I know.” Will whispered. “I know.”
And he did. Nico knew he did. He knew that Will could sense the pain of others. Nico knew that being around him, gave Will a snippet of constant discomfort. Nico knew that it was hard, for both of them. He hated that he made Will hurt. He hated that he hurt.
“What should we eat?”
Nico stayed silent, as the shadows crowded around his feet.
“We could get McDonald’s…” Will tempted, a frown tugging at his lips when Nico didn’t budge. “Maybe some pasta?”
“Hmhmm.”
“Mac n’ Cheese?” Will continued ignoring the silence. “Soup? Grilled cheese? Maybe some ice cream?”
“Everything sounds disgusting.” Nico muttered, untangling himself from Will’s hold to sit in the corner armchair with an exasperated sigh. “I don’t wanna eat anything right now.”
“How about an Ensure drink?”
Shaking his head with jaw clenched, Nico pressed his palm to the heart of the pain aching through his arm.
“Nico,”
“No. I don’t want anything.”
As Nico stood to leave the infirmary, Will caught him by the waist. He maneuvered him back into the armchair and blocked the doorway. Nico knew he couldn’t beat Will in any fight of strength at the moment, so he slunk back into the chair and hoisted his feet off the cold floor, kicking off his shoes in defeat.
“Darlin’” Will drawled, crouching down to meet Nico’s sinking eyes. “You’re malnourished. You’ve got electrolyte and vitamin imbalances. If you really don’t think you can eat anything it's alright. I’m not mad, I promise. But we are going to get you a feeding tube.”
Voice thick, Nico choked out a “no”.
“Yeah baby. It’s been days since you've held anything other than water and popsicles down. And, over two weeks since you’ve eaten anywhere near enough.”
“I c-can’t. N-no.”
“Those are our options at this point: eat something with some substance or place a feeding tube.”
Nico swallowed back tears, squirming in his seat and burying his face in his hands.
“Sweetheart, I’m not trying to be the bad guy.” Will explained gently. “You’ve lost a lot of weight. You need some calories in your system. Not to be dramatic, but there could be serious negative effects to your health. You aren’t dying of malnutrition on my watch.”
Nico sniffled, allowing Will to take hold of his hand. Though Will noticed the duck of his head; the embarrassment of being vulnerable.
“Do you wanna try to eat a little something one more time? Maybe a popsicle and some toast? Or some frozen grapes?”
After receiving a confirming nod, Will disappeared to the infirmary fridge where he knew there was a tupperware container of frozen fruit. It had become his practice to make sure it was constantly stocked after realizing that it was one of the few things Nico could pretty reliably hold down. Grapes in hand, Will trudged back down the stairs. The mirror at the bottom showed him what he expected. Freckled, tanned skin from long days in the summer. The bright blue of his eyes weighed down by purple bags. His orange camp tee shirt housed a green paint smear and what he really hoped wasn’t blood.
Dragging a hand through his snarled waves with a sigh, Will kept on his way back to Nico’s room with the hopes grapes would solve all their problems.
Nudging the container into Nico’s hands and turning to the closet in the corner, he rummaged for a drachma to call Hazel. With cautious eyes, Will watched Nico. Chewing slowly. Swallowing forcibly. Stopping to press a hand to his mouth.
“Good job, baby.” Will encouraged, snatching a grape and popping it in his mouth. “Take your time.”
“Can we call Hazel?” Nico sniffled, shifting in his seat anxiously.
Will nodded, holding up the golden coin and spinning it in the air.
“Sure; already on it. How about you finish eating and take a minute first… don’t want you getting sick while we call her.”
Nico jammed another handful of grapes into his mouth. The sweet juice dribbled down his chin and left sticky residue on his fingers.
“I’m done.” Nico announced, snapping the lid back onto the container and settling it on the floor.
Stooping to pick up the sweating container, Will peered through the side to see contently that Nico had eaten at least half of them. Nico pulled his legs closer, curling into a ball in the purple armchair with his head balanced back against the wall. His hand was splayed against his bloated stomach, fingers trembling.
“Neeks, can you try a little toast? Maybe a little protein shake or Ensure?”
The smaller boy was silent; breathing heavily through his nose and swallowing thickly. Will scratched his nails soothingly at the crown of his head before turning to rummage for an emesis bin to nudge beneath that younger’s nose.
“Aww, sugar…” He cooed as Nico spat pathetically. “It’s alright.”
“Water, please.” Nico ground out.
Will obliged, offering a straw and dropping the bin to the dark haired boy’s lap. Sweat was beading at Nico’s temples and upper lip. After he released the straw, Will set the cup aside and cautiously moved the emesis bin to the floor, helping Nico to his feet and guiding him towards the bed in the corner. The movement left his stomach lurching and Nico grasped blindly for something to retch into.
Racking his brain for solution, Will found himself struggling to camouflage his sigh. It had been years since Nico had been eating properly, that much he knew. He’d struggled since Tartarus, and even before. But Will thought they had fixed this. The year they’d started dating, Nico had stopped eating entirely. It had taken nearly all of the following year to get him back to a semi-normal routine. Will didn’t look back on it fondly. Trembling hands. Hours and hours at the table. Trips to the grocery story just for meal replacement drinks and vanilla protein powder. The underlying grudge Nico had harbored after having a tube snaked down his throat. Nights crying into pillows and bloated bellies.
“Deep breathes.” Will reminded, settling Nico back on the bed and settling a bin beneath his chin, guiding a pale hand to hold it. “ I’m going to call Hazel and see if she can come out tonight.”
Nico swore under his breath, nodding eagerly in agreement at the mention of his sister. His boyfriend raked the curls off his sweaty forehead. He let the blond leave without complaint. Dropping the bowl of half digested grapes to the floor, Nico curled on his side and buried his face into the pillow. He hoped meekly that Hazel would show up soon.
He loved Will. He did. But today he needed some space. Needed someone who knew what he had been through in a deeper way than Will could offer. Will could stroke his hair and offer a lap to lay his head in. He could even sing lullabies and hold his hand when he woke up from nightmares.
But right now, Nico needed to escape the harsh, jolting syllables of English and find refuge in French or Italian. Nico needed not a doctor, but a sibling. Someone who could separate themselves from his medical chart and just love on him.
Will return with a tray of medical equipment and a hesitant, small smile. At the sight of the all too familiar NG tube, Nico dove back into his covers. His heart pounded and he suppressed the instinct to whimper.
“Hazel will be here in thirty-ish minutes.” He announced, dragging the rolling stool to sit beside the bed. “Do you want someone else to do this? I can get Austin or Kayla?”
“Will please... I’m trying.” Nico whispered balling his fists in the thick leather of his jacket.
“Darling, I know you are trying. I’m so proud of you. But you aren’t keeping food down, which is not your fault at all. We can’t just wait anymore, we have to at least try something else.”
“I know…” Nico exhaled heavily. “I’m just tired.”
Will stood up to find Austin and was stopped by cold fingers around his wrist. Nico’s eyes were wide and red at the rim. Sitting back down, this time on the edge of the bed, Will pressed a kiss to the dark haired boy’s cheek.
“I’m just going to find someone to get you set up with a tube.”
Nico shook his head aggressively.
“I don’t want you to go. You can do it.” He linked their fingers together. “Please don’t leave.”
“Okay, okay.” Will assured. “I’ll stay. I can stay and have someone else insert the tube if you want.”
Nico's hair formed a halo around his head as he shook it again. He bit his lip shyly and covered the bottom of his face with a shaky hand.
“I don’t want anyone to touch me.” He offered weakly.
Will slid back to his own chair with a nod, reaching for a pair of fresh gloves. He nudged a cup of water towards the younger boy.
“You know the drill.” He smiled sadly, and Nico repressed a frustrated laugh at the reality of the situation.
He did know the drill. He knew what was coming. This was the probably the fourth time he had ended up in the spot he was right now: malnourished, dehydrated, and positively exhausted. No matter what they did it was like this: Nico against his body. Will against Nico’s body. Everyone and everything against Nico’s body.
Nico forced himself upright, back pressed straight against the wall. He swallowed the water thickly as Will ducked his head, poking at his nose with a gloved hand to pick a nostril.
“You have a preference for side? Either is fine.” He offered gently, lubricating the end of the tube.
“Doesn’t matter.” Nico tightened his grip around the paper cup. “Whichever is easier I guess.”
Will nodded in agreement, tucking a stray curl behind Nico’s ear. The smaller boy tried to focus on his water as Will poked around his nose with a disinfectant before applying some sort of cool, slippery gel. Nico couldn’t suppress the chill that ran down his spine.
“Sorry…” Will whispered, rubbing his shoulder assuringly. “I’m trying to be gentle.”
“S’okay. Not you; just cold.”
After a few moments of silence, Nico set his cup aside and took hold of Will’s shirt sleeve.
“I’m tired.”
“I know, darling. Me too. After we get you all set up we can take a nap.”
Nico didn’t respond, banishing his gaze to his lap when Will turned back to the tray of medical supplies. Will forced down the tremble of his hands as he measured the correct length of the tube, to ensure he could tell when it was inserted properly. Beneath his gloves, his hands were sweaty. He would rather have someone else do this; Will knew he was more than a bit too personally involved to be doing this. But at times Nico could hardly handle his boyfriend touching him, let alone another member of the Apollo cabin.
“Sweetheart, try and sit up as much as you can. It won’t be as uncomfortable.”
Will placed his hand behind one of Nico’s shoulders to shimmy him closer to the edge of the bed and into a sitting position. He tucked Nico’s chin down, to open his throat a bit more and hopefully ease the discomfort of having a tube forced down his digestive tract. Will nudged the emesis bin back into his lap, remembering the pleasant experience of a sobbing Nico, a dislodged tube, and a bedspread covered in bile.
“Can I try the Ensure again?” Nico begged softly, eyes wide. “Please?”
“Neeks, you would have to drink an inhuman amount of Ensure to make up for all the calories and nutrients you need. Plus you need fluids and some antibiotics. This will make everything easier. I promise I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t think it was necessary.”
“Okay…” He murmured weakly, twirling a silver ring around his finger anxiously.
“Let’s get this out of the way.” Will plopped back onto his stool and rolled close to the infirmary bed. “Tilt your chin back down, sweetheart. It helps the throat relax and widen.”
Nico obliged and squeezed his eyes shut as cold plastic breached his nose. He resisted the urge to gag as tears streamed down his cheeks. Will felt guilt swell in his stomach at the pained noise Nico emitted. As the tube made its way down his throat, scraping inevitably against the sensitive skin, the sick boy leaned forward with an uncontrollable retch.
“I’m sorry. Gods, Nico. I’m so sorry.” Will nervously repeated, holding the metal bin up to his chin.
He didn’t respond, even after the heaving settled. The suffocating feeling didn’t disappear like the bile, and Nico found himself clawing the remaining few inches of plastic out of his throat as the panic of suffocation hovered around him. Dancing around him were the memories of capture and pomegranate seeds. Letting out a suppressed sob, Nico buried his face in shaking hands.
Will leaned forward to rinse out the bile of the emesis bin. He nudged another water bottle into Nico’s lap to rinse the taste of his mouth.
“Let me know when you are ready to try again.” Will told him gently. “You’re alright. Try to calm your breathing.”
Nico tried. He really did. But, forcing in a deep breathe just unlocked the floodgates again and he sniffled hopelessly.
“When we try to insert the tube again, try to sip on your water while I do it. The swallowing should help the tube go down easier.”
“C-can you,” Nico peeked out from behind his hands. “Could you open the windows and the door? And turn on the other light?”
Will stood up without hesitation to fling open the curtains and unlatch the shutters. He didn’t think it necessary to interrogate Nico on his trauma and claustrophobia, especially not at this moment. As the room was flooded with a bit more light and most importantly fresh air, Nico took a sharp inhale of relief.
Nico accepted the tissues that Will offered, untangling his fingers from the sheets. He scrubbed roughly at his cheeks. He blew his nose painfully hard before tossing the tissues aside and sitting up straight against, water in hand, an indication to Will that he was ready to try again.
With fresh gloves on, Will began to thread the tube up his nose and back down his throat. He murmured encouragement, reminding Nico to breathe and swallow as the young gagged and cried earnestly. The sensitive tissue of Nico’s nose was quickly irritated and the right side of his nose began to bleed. Will was forced to abandon that side and start again on the left side once Nico had stopped spitting blood into the bowl in his lap.
At last, with the tube down, the medic pressed a tender kiss to his boyfriend's forehead. He looped the excess behind the boy’s ear and cut it to the appropriate length before thumbing tears away from Nico’s swollen eyes. He was breathing uncomfortably through his mouth; one nostril plugged with bloodied tissue and the other the tube.
Will reached for the tape to secure the tube in place, desperate to ensure that this one stayed in if for nothing else but to ignore the trauma of placing it again. He smoothed the grey tape down over Nico’s nose. He was tempted to pull out the little kids tubbie-tape that was stashed somewhere upstairs and printed with little green and yellow dinosaurs , but he hardly thought the gesture would be appreciated.
Nico had squished his eyes closed, slumping against the wall. Even though he knew logically it wasn’t, Nico couldn’t evade the feeling of the breath being pressed from his lungs. Trapped without air. He pushed away the panic and dug his nails into the ever present werewolf lashes on his arm, hoping the lightning pain would give him something to focus on.
As soon as Will pressed the last piece of tape to his cheek, Nico pulled sharply away from the touch and retreated into the corner of the bed. Will tried not to take it personally, but his heart ached as Nico coughed weakly and an arm hugged around his own chest. Will knew he would never say it, but Nico harbored some sort of grudge for moments like these deep within him. He knew he shouldn’t, but it was a fatal flaw for children of the Underworld.
“Darling,” Will said softly, reaching towards Nico’s shoulder.
Nico flinched back, swallowing thickly and burying his face into the limp pillow. Snatching his hand back, Will frowned and suppressed an apology. He knew it would only make Nico guilty. Touch was hard for the smaller boy. He needed the comfort and was horrifically touch starved from years on his own. But, he also struggled with PTSD and often panicked with unanticipated closeness.
As much as he hated to admit it, part of Will was grateful that Nico had hidden his face in the pillow. It meant he didn’t have to see his swollen eyes and unhealthily flushed cheeks. The blood caked around his nose. The dryness of his lips. The bags under his eyes that served as a constant reminder of the fatigue that wouldn’t disappear no matter how much he slept.
“Nico, baby… do you wanna go back to your cabin? Hazel should be here soon.”
“D-” Nico paused as the painful state of his throat became more prominent, whether it was from vomiting or the tube he was sure. “Don’t wanna move.”
“I’m so sorry darlin’. Can I do anything to make you feel a bit better?”
“No.” Nico murmured hoarsely and stubbornly.
“Well, if you are going to stay here tonight I’ll go ahead and get a tube feed going for you. But if you wanna sleep in your own bed we can wait a little while.”
At that Nico rolled back over and kicked off the blankets. He fumbled for his jacket and shoved an arm through. Will reached forward to help Nico’s battered arm into the sleeve and to tie his boots. Nico bowed his head shamefully as Will retucked the tube behind his ear and guided the length of the tube into his pocket to be properly attached to a pump later. His head and throat throbbed.
As WIll moved to back away and give him some space, Nico buried his face into Will’s neck. Nico’s cheek was damp against his skin.
“I’m sorry.” He whimpered. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Will pressed a kiss to his flushed cheek.
“I’m sorry you’re so sick.”
He didn’t say what he really meant: I’m sorry I can’t help you. I'm sorry I can’t fix it. Will pushed the thought down deeper. The guilt of every demigod he couldn’t save. Of his brother. Of his family. Of the campers who died at his hands.
Nico wrapped his arms tighter around Will’s waist, ignoring the pulling of barely healing skin in his upper arm. Will squeezed back, lifting Nico to his tip-toes but careful of injuries that had never quite healed. Of pain that had never quite disappeared.
Will ran his hair through Nico’s thick waves. His hair was still thick and glossy. Two things it had not been for nearly a year after Will met him. A year where malnourishment and refeeding syndrome had left Nico’s body desperately focused on his organs rather than his biotin stores. Now, not only was it not falling out, it had regained a sheen that Will had assumed was stripped away like his childhood. He scratched softly at the crown of Nico’s head, smiling as the shorter boy hummed contentedly and bowed his aching head to rest against WIll’s broad shoulder.
As Will stopped, Nico pulled away. Eyes wide and hand self consciously covering his tube. He swayed on his feet a bit, letting go of Will’s warm hand.
“I don’t feel good.” Nico said for what felt like the hundredth time today. He had spent so long pretending that everything was fine, that the opportunity to express otherwise was well used.
Rubbing at Nico’s neck, Will stayed silent. There wasn’t anything he could say to help. He gently began to sing some Italian lullaby Nico had taught him. Actually, Hazel had taught him. She had learned it from Nico when he used it to soothe her to sleep. Often, when nightmares struck, holding Nico close and singing it into his ear was the only thing that would calm him.
Drawing on his healing energy, Will sang. His hands glowed warm and yellow around Nico’s boney waist.
“Stop,” Nico pleaded, shoving Will's healing hands away. “You’re gonna exhaust yourself.”
“It’s fine. I only get tired out from healing in major battles. A little healing energy for my favorite human isn’t going to cause any harm.”
Nico tucked his face back into Will’s warm chest, allowing him to engulf him again.
“I just wanna make you feel better, even if it’s just a tiny bit.”
With a sniffle, Nico nodded and nuzzled closer. Silently begging for Will’s heat to warm the ache in his bones.
Beneath them, the front door to the infirmary opened and slammed shut, causing Nico’s head to snap up. Eyes narrowing he lowered a hand, palms spread wide closer to the ground.
“Hazel’s here.”