Chapter Text
When they all stopped hugging, everyone looked happy instead of sad and that made Jay happy. He shivered a bit as everyone pulled away, realizing he still didn't have on anything besides his underwear. He wasn't embarrassed about it; he was too little and content for that. But he was cold. Heeseung noticed his little shiver and rubbed Jay's arm, making it feel warm and good.
"Let's get you some clothes, baby" Heeseung said with a smile. "Do you have anything special you want to wear?"
Jay got a little shy. Heeseung called him baby; he liked it a lot! He wanted to be a little baby! "My bunny pajamas," Jay said, pointing to the drawer where he hid all of his little things. "My little stuff is hiding under my grown up clothes."
"Bunny pajamas it is then" Heeseung said and went to go retrieve them. Jay felt so shy, he fell back into someone's lap; he looked up to see it was Jungwon. He seemed a bit surprised when Jay's weight landed in his lap but he smiled when Jay looked up at him. He rubbed Jay's arms all warm like Heeseung had; he loved it. He looked up at Jungwon who looked so pretty he just had to touch his face. "You're so pretty, wonnie" Jay said. He hadn't realized he'd said it out loud until everyone started chuckling at his honesty.
Jungwon rubbed his cheek, laughing himself. "Aww, baby Jay is so nice!" he said, obviously loving the compliment.
Jay liked that; he wanted to be a nice boy. He leaned into Jungwon's touch, his fingers rubbing gently against his cheek. He was feeling happy and floaty and only looked up when Heeseung said, "Are these the ones you mean?"
Jay looked up to see Heeseung holding up his purple hoodie with the bunny ears on the hood and matching purple sweatpants that had a fluffy bunny tail. Jay was already grinning; they were so comfy and it had been so long since he'd worn them, too afraid of anyone seeing him. Right now he hoped everyone thought he looked cute in them.
"Yes! Those are it!" Jay said enthusiastically as Heeseung brought them over to him. Jay was momentarily distracted by Sunoo who had made his way over to the drawer while Heeseung looked for the pajamas and was unashamedly looking through Jay's little items. It didn't bother Jay or make him feel like Sunoo was invading his privacy because he was giggling and looking excitedly at everything. "Jay, you got toys too?" Sunoo asked, holding up the plushies in there and a few cans of play dough. Jay knew it; Sunoo would be fun to play with!
"Yeah" Jay said shyly but feeling a little excited too. "Um...would you like to play with me? I can share."
"Yes, I'll play with you!" Sunoo said excitedly.
"I'll play with you too!" Niki said beside him, looking curiously at the toys Sunoo was pulling out of the drawer. Niki was bouncing on the bed next to him, looking so happy and excited and Jay just couldn't wait to play with them both that before he realized it, Jay had reached out and grabbed Niki and was bouncing excited with him. He knew playing with Sunoo and Niki would be so much more fun than playing by himself!
"That'll be so much fun" Heeseung agreed, "but first let's get you dressed. And then we all need to eat some dinner first. You'll have much more energy to play if your tummy is full."
Jay nodded even though he did want to play right now. Heeseung was right; he was so responsible! He sounded like an appa for sure!
"Alright, let's get you all nice and warm" Heeseung said, grabbing the hoodie and pulling it over his head. Jay's body felt all limp and floppy and he let Heeseung maneuver him into the clothes. Heeseung gently pulled the hoodie over Jay's head and worked his arms into the sleeves before he grabbed the bottoms. It tickled a little bit as Heeseung grabbed his feet and put them through the leg holes and then worked them up his legs and he giggled. He felt a bit helpless having Heeseung dress him, something no one had done for him since he was a small child but it was helpless in a good way; he could let go completely and it was okay because the others would take care of him.
"Feel better?" Heeseung asked when he had gotten the pajamas on Jay. Jay nodded, feeling small; he felt so warm and fluffy!
"Aww….look how cute!" Jungwon said. He was sitting behind Jay and he pulled the hood up so that it was sitting on Jay's head, the bunny ears sticking up. "Jay's a cute little bunny!"
Jungwon hugged Jay tightly and Jay could stop grinning. "I'm cute?" he asked. His cheeks felt all warm and blushy.
"Of course you are!" Jungwon said, playing with Jay's bunny ears.
"You're kidding, right? You're adorable!" Sunoo said enthusiastically in front of Jay. He had two of Jay's stuffies in his arms from the drawer and he handed them to Jay. They were both stuffed animals that Jay had had since he was a child. One was a brown stuffed dog that was worn and floppy and perfect for cuddling. The other was a fluffy baby blue teddy bear with a rainbow bow tied around its neck. Jay squeezed them both before he reached the bear toward Sunoo, keeping the dog himself.
"I share" Jay said, squeezing his doggie as Sunoo took the bear.
"Aww….thanks!" Sunoo said, squeezing the bear.
"That was nice of you. What a good sharer the baby is" Sunghoon said with a shy smile, rubbing Jay's arm.
Jay squeezed his dog tighter, enjoying the praise.
"Oh, I almost forgot!" Sunoo said, holding the teddy bear in one hand and pulling out a pacifier with his other. "I found this too. You want your pacifier?"
Excitement raced through Jay; yes he wanted his pacifier! Sucking his thumb was okay and he did it a lot more than using his pacifier but that was only because it was easier to hide. It had been so long since he'd gotten to actually use his pacifier and it was way better than using his thumb. He nodded enthusiastically, eyes trained on the pacifier in Sunoo's hand. It was clear with different colored blue stars on the shield and a ring that glowed in the dark even though it wasn't glowing now; it had been hidden deep in the recesses of his drawer for too long to glow. Jay opened his mouth and let Sunoo pop it in; as soon as his lips closed over it and it fit perfectly into his mouth, instant peace flooded through Jay. He hugged his doggie tightly as he sucked gently on his pacifier; he felt super tiny now. And even though everyone was looking at him, they were all saying 'Aww' and it made him feel not embarrassed at all; he felt warm and happy.
"Alright, now that our baby is all warm and dressed, let's go get some food" Heeseung said with a smile at Jay. He held out his hand for Jay to take and Jay instantly slipped his hand into Heeseung's. It felt warm and smooth and Jay liked how it made him feel safe. He stuck his doggie into the front of his hoodie so his other hand was free; he wanted to hold someone else's hand too! When he held his other hand out, Sunghoon, Jake and Niki all reached for it at the same time but Niki got there first. His hand was cold but it squeezed Jay's tightly which he liked.
When they stood up and walked to the kitchen, Jay liked being in the middle of Heeseung and Niki, holding their hands. When he began to swing his hands, their hands went along with him and it made him giggle around his pacifier.
When they got to the kitchen they sat Jay down in a chair where he could watch them cook before they all went to finish what they'd been doing before they had come to check on him. Jay pulled his doggie out of his hoodie and hugged it as he watched the others cook. They were messy and silly, joking around with each other and it made Jay laugh. He felt relaxed and happy though he was a little hungry; he was surprised when his tummy rumbled when he smelled the food cooking.
Jay watched as everyone brought the food to the table and began to sit down at the table around him. Heeseung sat on one side of him; Jay hoped he'd feed him like he the time he had when he was sick. Sunoo tried to sit on his other side but Jake beat him to it so Sunoo had to sit somewhere else. Jay thought maybe he was being a big selfish but he liked everyone fighting over him; it made him feel really special, like they really all did like little him.
"As cute as this is, we need to take it out so you can get some food in your belly" Heeseung said as he gently pulled Jay's pacifier out of his mouth and set it down on the table next to his bowl. Jay was only sad for a second because then Heeseung scooped up some of his noodles and brought them to Jay's mouth. "Alright, open wide!" Heeseung said enthusiastically. Jay opened his mouth and let Heeseung feed him. The noodles hung out of his mouth and when he slurped them up they tickled his lips. Everyone was looking at him and he felt a bit shy and silly. He tried to hide behind his doggie but Jake took it and gently set it to the side. Jay whimpered at him a bit, not feeling like using words, but Jake said, "You don't want your cute puppy to get all dirty do you?"
Jake had a good point; he didn't want food all over his puppy. He let Jake set it away from the food and resisted the urge to hide, feeling shy and pampered as Heeseung fed him his food and Jake helped him drink, making sure he took small drinks and didn't dribble on his clothes.
Sometimes that was hard though because Sunoo kept making silly faces at him across the table which made him giggle. If he had food or water in his mouth it was hard to keep it in when he was laughing! Then Niki realized what Sunoo was doing and started to try to make even sillier faces which had Jay laughing a lot. They were so silly!
Jay was really feeling happy and silly; his belly getting full and warm with all the food when he started to feel a bit uncomfortable. He couldn't quite place his finger on what was wrong; he was fidgeting in his seat and couldn't quite sit still. His tummy wasn't full yet but for some reason he just felt uncomfortably full like he was going to pop.
Heeseung set his utensils down and leaned in to whisper in Jay's ear, noticing his distress. "Jay, do you need to potty?" He asked him quiet enough that no one else could hear him.
Did he? Jay thought about it hard; he realized his hand was in his lap. It had been a really long time since he'd went; no wonder he felt so filled up. He moved his hand quickly, feeling embarrassed, his cheeks hot. He nodded toward Heeseung.
As soon as Jay realized he had to go, he really had to go. Like right now! Jay could hear Heeseung ask him if he needed help but Jay was already off his chair and running toward the bathroom. When he was out of sight of everyone his hands went back toward his lap; everything felt jiggly and wrong down there and he had to try to hold it in.
He barely managed to get the bathroom door shut behind him before he was pulling down his pants, thankfully, gratefully, having made it to the bathroom in time. Jay breathed a sigh of relief; thank goodness Heeseung had noticed what he needed! Jay had never felt quite so small before that he'd forgotten to go to the bathroom before. Having the others accept him and be his caregivers had allowed him to let go in a way he hadn't before.
Jay was eager to get back to the others when he was finished and went to quickly pull his pants back on. But when he got them back on something was wrong; really wrong! The front of his underwear was wet! Not completely but enough to tell Jay he'd almost not made it. He was so embarrassed! Jay's thumb went to his mouth and he sucked on it nervously, his cheeks heating up. Jay's headspace felt like it dropped even more. The wet underwear didn't feel good and he was worried if he went back to the kitchen and sat down it would soak through his pants. Then everyone would know! No one would want to play with him then. Tears threatened to fill his eyes again as he nibbled on his thumb and shuffled down the hallway. He stayed in the shadows, watching the others but not going to join them.
Everyone was having so much fun, talking and laughing. Jay felt really bad just standing there by himself. He wanted to be back with them, cuddling and playing and having fun. But he felt so small he didn't know what to do.
Then Jungwon noticed him standing there. "Jay! Come here! Why are you just standing there?" He called out, gesturing him over.
Jay was just frozen; everyone turned around and looked at him. He felt his cheeks get hot again. He hoped no one could notice.
Heeseung seemed to notice something was wrong. "Come here, baby. Is something wrong?" He asked so nicely and Jay liked him calling him baby but everyone was staring at him. He couldn't tell Heeseung even though he looked at him in a way that made Jay want to tell him.
"Come on Jay; don't make me have to come get you" Sunoo teased, holding out his hands and wiggling his fingers as if he would tickle Jay. Oh no! He couldn't do that!
Any other time little Jay would love Sunoo tickles. But not right now. Any little bit of movement makes Jay feel like the wetness will get more obvious.
Jay kept shaking his head and sinking back into the shadows as they continued to prod him back into the room until Heeseung got up and walked over to him. Yikes! What is he going to do? Jay feels like he already knows what's wrong without Jay saying it.
Heeseung walks with him, pulling him further down the hallway until they can't see or hear the others. Heeseung rubs him arm in a gentle way, seeing how Jay is nibbling on his thumb nervously rather than sucking it.
"What's bothering you, Jay?" Heeseung asked kindly. "You ran off to the potty very fast. Did something happen?"
Jay feels wiggly; his body won't stay still and he jiggled a lot which only makes the rubbing of his wet underwear more uncomfortable. Heeseung doesn't ask if he had an accident but Jay knows that's really what he wonders.
"I didn't have an accident!" Jay bursts out, not meaning for it to be so loud or forceful.
"I didn't say you did, I just asked why you seem upset" Heeseung said patiently, kindly. It's that same voice that puts Jay at ease and makes him want to tell Heeseung everything. He feels like he can now that everyone isn't watching him.
"I made it to the potty" Jay says which is mostly true. "But it's just...my underwear is a little bit wet."
Jay's cheeks heat up, feeling embarrassed he said that. He wished he had doggie to hide behind but Heeseung doesn't laugh at him or make him feel bad. He gives his arm a little squeeze and says, "Well, let's just go change them and you can join us all again"
Just like that, just like everything is okay. He doesn't comment on it at all or act like Jay had an accident. And he knows exactly how to fix it. Jay feels relieved. "Okay" Jay says and he takes the hand Heeseung offers to walk with him down the hallway to the bedroom.
The star lights are still on and they help Jay feel a little calmer. He watches Heeseung go to the drawers and get Jay a new pair of underwear which makes him blush. He's tiny but not tiny enough to be wetting his pants or anything. He knows some people regress so small that some of them actually wear diapers. But Jay has never felt anywhere close to that little. He tries not to think about the fact that if Heeseung hadn't reminded him to go he might have had a real accident in front of everyone. Maybe he is tinier than he realized.
It makes him want to reach out and grab Heeseung; makes him feel so tiny he needs a hug. But he doesn't grab him even though he wants to, not wanting to get him wet.
"Your pretty purple pants seem fine so I don't think we'll have to change them" Heeseung says encouragingly as he looks down at Jay's lap. "Do you want help changing?"
If Jay was feeling bigger he'd say no; he'd appreciate Heeseung recognizing how embarrassed he is and trying to give him space. But he's really far gone now; his head is all fuzzy and floaty. He feels like he could crawl into Heeseung's lap and float away into a warm sleep. He's still embarrassed about the whole thing; embarrassed enough that he feels tears trying to gather in his eyes. But when Heeseung asks if he needs help he nods; it all feels too big for Jay to do himself.
Heeseung gives him a warm smile before pulling down his sweatpants, carefully so they don't get wet. Jay's cheeks flush hotly when he's just in his underwear; he hopes they don't look as wet as they feel. Heeseung pulls those down too and helps Jay step out of them and into the dry ones. As he helps Jay back into his sweatpants he says, "I'll give you plenty of reminders for the potty so you don't forget" in an encouraging tone. Jay wishes he thought that wouldn't be necessary but honestly it probably will be. Tears fill up his eyes and drop out. He's never felt this little before; he feels way more vulnerable than he ever had before. Is it okay to feel this small? He can't even ask Heeseung because words just seem too hard.
Heeseung notices Jay's distress, his eyes meeting Jay's as he pulls his pants up and stands up. "Oh, Jay, don't cry. It's okay" he says gently, reaching his hands up to Jay's face and wiping his tears away softly with his fingers. He makes Jay look in his eyes even though it feels hard. The smaller Jay feels, the bigger his feelings seem to get. He feels it gathering in his chest like a big dark cloud and it feels like it's about to take him over until he does look into Heeseung's eyes.
"Everything's okay. Appa's got you" Heeseung says with a grin before giving Heeseung a big hug.
Warmth exploded through Jay's chest as Heeseung hugged him, making the dark cloud of sadness and fear go away. Jay melted into Heeseung's touch, hugging him back and feeling all limp and relaxed. He nestled his face against Heeseung's shoulder. He still felt super small but now he felt it was okay to be little. He didn't have to worry about how far he was slipping. He could fall because Heeseung and the others would be there to catch him. He smiled into Heeseung's shoulder as he nestled there, letting the warmth and happiness explode through him. Jay gripped Heeseung's shirt a little with his hands as he hugged him tighter, the smile growing on his face. Heeseung had actually called himself Appa! That meant Jay could too!
When they finally pulled back from the hug, Heeseung wiped the last of Jay's tears away and straightened the bunny hood on his head as he grinned at Jay warmly. It made Jay feel warm all the way to his toes. "All better, baby?" He asked.
Jay felt his cheeks blushing even though he was happy and not embarrassed. "I'm all better...Appa" Jay said, his voice small as he tested out the new word.
"Good" Heeseung said with a smile as he took Jay's hand in his own. "Let's go join the others then."
Jay nodded, squeezing Heeseung's hand. He felt so much better now. Not only did he not have to worry about wet pants now he felt completely cared for and safe.
Heeseung led him back to the kitchen where everyone was waiting for them. They were all whispering and they looked worried; Jay knew they must be talking about him and his cheeks felt warm as he sat back down in his chair.
"Are you okay, Jay?" Sunoo asked immediately, his eyes wide and worried.
"What happened?" Jungwon asked.
"Why'd you run away?" Niki asked.
They all asked it at once and the words jumbled together. Their eyes felt too big and Jay got embarrassed remembering running away from them because he'd almost-sorta peed his pants.
Heeseung stepped in. He put an arm around Jay's shoulders and said, "Jay is fine. Don't be nosey and finish your dinner."
Everyone looked at Jay for a minute but they didn't press for answers and did as Heeseung told them. Jay was relieved; he nestled into Heeseung's touch, enjoying feeling his arm around him. When he looked up at him, he gave Jay a smile and a little wink. It made Jay feel like they had a secret; it made him not feel bad about what had happened.
Jay let Heeseung feed him a few more bites but he was mostly done eating; he wanted to cuddle and maybe play a little bit. Jake gave him his doggie back as he finished up. He watched the others clear up the dishes from his seat at the table, bouncing doggie on his knee and watching his ears flop. When they'd all first gotten up, Jay had started to get up too and had even said, "I help?" In a big voice but they all told him he was too little to help so he stayed in his chair and played with doggie while he watched his hyungs clean up the dishes. He was wishing they'd hurry up so they could all play when he felt a tap at his shoulder.
He turned around to see Sunghoon giving him a smile and then putting his finger up to his mouth as if Jay should stay quiet. He was a good listener so he stayed quiet and watched Sunghoon pull out a bag of candy he had hidden behind his back. Oh boy! He wasn't too full for candy! Jay bounced in his seat and it was hard to stay quiet because he was excited. He took the candy and Sunghoon gave him a wink too before going back to help with dishes. Now it was like he and Sunghoonie had a secret too!
Jay nibbled on the candy while everyone cleaned and no one seemed to notice. The candy made him feel good; he didn't feel so tired anymore! It made Jay's body feel like it was buzzing inside like a bee. It'd been a long time since he'd had this much candy; his head felt floaty with it and he couldn't understand why he didn't eat candy more often.
He felt like running; he was bouncing in his chair so much it was hard to stay still; he didn't want to stay still. He watched Sunoo standing off to the side just talking while the others cleaned and Jay knew he wanted those tickles that Sunoo had threatened him with before when he was trying to hide. Jay tossed doggie across the room so he hit Sunoo; Jay knew doggie wouldn't mind. Doggie hit Sunoo's chest and bounced off. Sunoo picked him up and looked at Jay, surprised. When Jay held up his hands with tickly fingers Sunoo grinned from ear to ear. Jay jumped off the chair and began to run around the table. Around and around and around...it was so much fun! Jay was faster than Sunoo and he couldn't stop giggling. He kind of wanted Sunoo to catch him but kind of wanted him to not catch him too. They ran around so many times Jay felt dizzy; when he got a little too dizzy he lost his balance slightly and that gave Sunoo the edge to catch him.
Wobbling a little to the side, Jay hit the table as Sunoo lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Jay's middle. When he grabbed Jay they both fell to the floor in a heap and Jay was already giggling before Sunoo leaned over him and began to attack him with tickles. Sunoo tickled his sides, his neck, his tummy where his shirt had ridden up. Jay couldn't stop laughing; he laughed even more when he heard the sound of Sunoo laughing too. He was glad that he had went potty already because he was wiggling and laughing so hard that he got a stitch in his side.
"Sunoo, you gave him too much candy. He's going to get a total sugar crash" Heeseung said, looking down at where the candy had fallen out of Jay's hand when he had fallen down and spilled on the floor. Sunoo looked up at Heeseung with indignation but he was still tickling Jay right under his chin which was the most ticklish spot.
"Hey! I didn't give him candy!" Sunoo said, sounding offended. But then he gave one of his best smiles, one that made Jay feel warm inside. "But that's only because I don't have any!"
Jay was lying on his back wiggling against Sunoo's tickles when he saw Heeseung looked down at him. He tried to look like serious Appa but he was trying not to grin. "Where'd you get all those sweets?" he asked.
Jay let his eyes drift over to Sunghoon who gave him another wink; Jay would be a good secret keeper!
"Uh...from Doggie?" Jay said in his cutest voice. Just for extra, he gave Heeseung puppy dog eyes. And it worked! Heeseung started grinning and shaking his head.
"You're just too cute to be allowed." Heeseung said. Jay felt bubbly inside; he liked being cute. Sunoo had stopped tickling him long enough that he could catch his breath; he watched as everyone else was finishing up with the dishes. Jay sat up and had a hard time not bouncing; it would be play time now! Jay picked up the rest of his candy before stuffing it in his mouth; the sugar was so tingly on his tongue. "Play time?" Jay asked hopefully, looking up at everyone.
"Yes, it's finally play time, baby" Heeseung said. He reached a hand down and helped Jay up. Jay held out his free hand and Sunoo took it. They all walked back into the living room. As Jay sat down, Sunoo reached over and gave him a surprise tickle on his belly. Sunoo was so sneaky! Feeling mischievous, Jay reached over and tickled Sunoo back. He was too busy listening to the sound of Sunoo's sunny giggles and he didn't see Niki sneak up behind him. Niki had his hands around Jay's neck and tickled him so much he had to roll into a ball he was laughing so hard.
"If you guys don't stop tickling him like that you'll make him pee his pants" Jay heard Jungwon say. Jay's head popped up and looked at him, feeling embarrassed at the mention of peeing himself. But when he saw Jungwon, he was just laughing; he was just teasing. And he had the small box of toys that Jay hid in his drawer and his pacifier.
"Want it! Want it!" Jay said eagerly, reaching out for the toys and pacifier. Jungwon laughed at Jay's eagerness.
"Alright, open up for the choo choo" Jungwon teased, holding out Jay's pacifier. When Jay opened his mouth, Jungwon made train noises and drove it into Jay's mouth.
"Wonnie so silly" Jay said, muffled around his pacifier.
"You're sillier" Jungwon said, tapping his nose with his finger. Jay thought it looked like he was blushing.
Jungwon handed him the box of toys and Jay looked through them as he sucked on his pacifier. He didn't have a whole lot of toys because he honestly never really had gotten a chance to play much, too afraid of getting caught. The plushies he had always felt okay about; lots of people slept with stuffed animals even thought that didn't stop him from wanting to hide them but he knew he could have explained it okay if anyone found them. He had a few coloring books and crayons that he'd only used a few times; also not totally unexplainable if someone found them. He had some playdough and a few squishy squeezable stress relievers which he probably had used the most; since he hid his little space and so actively tried to not go into it until he was so stressed he broke down the sensory nature of them usually was really soothing and relaxing. He also had a few toy cars but he had never really played with them. When he was a kid he'd spend hours making cars race each other across different surfaces and floors in his house to see which one would win and one day when he'd been out shopping and feeling like he wanted to drop into little space he'd seen some and had to buy them. But he never had a good opportunity to play with them; until now.
He picked out three cars from the box, keeping the best one for himself. He walked over to Sunoo and Niki and even though they'd said they wanted to play with him, he felt himself hesitate and get a bit shy.
"Um….wanna….um…..race me?" Jay asked holding out the cars. He could play by himself just fine but he'd rather play with them. He nibbled on the end of this pacifier nervously. But only for a minute because they both smiled at him and took the cars.
"Sure!" Sunoo said brightly.
"Yeah but I'll probably win" Niki insisted with a smile, giving Jay a playful nudge.
"No way!" Jay said with such excitement that he had to catch his pacifier from falling out of his mouth. He wanted to race them but come on….there was no way that Jay wasn't going to win!
Jay bounced over to the edge of the room where there was a long flat area with nothing in the way and he could hopefully push his car so fast that it would roll all the way down the hallway and beat Sunoo and Niki of course.
"Here, hyungs" Jay said, crouching down on the floor and pointing to the free spots on either side of him. Sunoo and Niki grinned at each other and giggled a bit at Jay calling them hyung before sitting down next to him. They felt warm and soft and Jay liked that it was like another Jay sandwich.
"One, two, three...go!" Jay said as loudly as he could around his pacifier. He and Sunoo and Niki pushed their cars at the same time and Jay popped up, running to chase them down the hallway. He still felt all jumpy from the candy and it was nice to run.
He ran to the end of the hallway where the cars had stopped. His went the furthest! Jay grabbed his car and held it up, jumping up and down. "I win! I win!" Jay announced happily. The others were watching and they smiled at his enthusiasm.
"No way, rematch" Niki said with a playful smile. Jay gathered all the cars up and brought them back for a rematch.
This time when Jay chased them down the hallway he saw that Niki's car actually went further than his. Jay was totally sure that he had cheated; he had totally rolled his car before Jay said go but he decided to be a good sport anyway.
They raced several more times, Jay getting a little bolt of excitement each time he raced down the hallway to see who had won. His heart was racing and his legs getting a little tired but in a good way.
That was until he tripped over his own feet in an attempt to run too fast. He was chasing the cars down the hallway when he lost his balance and came crashing down on the floor. Hard...very hard...Jay could hear the others gasp behind him as pain radiated through his chin where he'd fallen face first. It hurt a lot! Not to mention he'd probably busted up his cute face and made it not cute anymore. When Jay looked up and saw his hyungs all looking at him with concern, waiting to see if they needed to intervene. Jay's eyes filled and he burst into tears as he searched the room for Heeseung.
"Appa!" Jay wailed, his pacifier tumbling to the floor as he sobbed and ran toward Heeseung. If the others were surprised at Jay calling him appa they didn't show it; despite the fact that Jay crawled into Heeseung's lap they all crowded around him too, trying to comfort him.
Heeseung wrapped his arms around Jay and held him close as he cried. Jay rubbed his face into Heeseung's chest, smelling his clean clothes, one eye hiding and one eye looking up at all the others as they rubbed his arms and shoulders.
"What did you hurt, baby?" Heeseung asked after Jay had managed to somewhat catch his breath and calm his sobs.
"My pretty face!" Jay wailed, feeling upset again. He hurt and his face probably had a big ugly bruise!
He could feel Heeseung jostle him slightly as he laughed at that gently. "I'm sure your face is still pretty" Heeseung assured him. "Let me see it."
Jay stopped hiding and showed his face to Heeseung. He cradled Jay's face with one hand and looked him over. "I don't see anything" Heeseung said. He hesitated for a moment as if thinking something over before giving Jay a little kiss on the tip of his nose. "All better" Heeseung said when he pulled back.
Jay's cheeks warmed up at Appa's kiss, giving him belly tingles. His face definitely didn't hurt anymore; Appa had magic kisses!
"All better" Jay agreed, nuzzling against Heeseung's chest, the words seeming hard to say as his head got fuzzy. He saw Jungwon come back to the group, having left for a moment. He had doggie in his hands and Jay's pacifier that he'd gone to the kitchen to rinse off. Jay gratefully took doggie when Jungwon offered him and opened his mouth for Jungwon to pop his pacifier in.
"How about playing something a little bit quieter" Heeseung asked as he rubbed Jay's back. Jay was beginning to feel a little sleepy; he didn't feel all buzzy and jumpy like he had before. Jay nodded in agreement as he hugged doggie to his chest.
Jay got his crayons and coloring books out and spread them out on the table in the living room. Sunoo and Niki joined him without him even having to ask. It was nice to color with them; they let him have the best colors and when his hand got too tired to color he simply watched them color their pictures. Jay did his best to color in the lines, making his picture as pretty as he could. It took a lot of concentration because his hands were starting to get all floppy and tired and scribbling would have been easy.
When he finished his picture he held it up for everyone to see.
"You dig a great job" Heeseung said, giving him a warm smile.
"It's so pretty" Sunghoon said.
"Our baby is an awesome artist" Jungwon said, giving him a huge dimple smile.
All the praise and smiles made Jay feel shy and blush but in a good way; coloring was always more fun if you got to show it to someone when you were done. He'd never been able to show his coloring to anyone else before then.
"Oooh who is it for?" Niki asked, looking at Jay's drawing.
Jay looked at his page and then at all his smiling hyungs. Of course he didn't want to just make it for himself; he wanted to give it to someone. He thought about giving it to Heeseung but he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
"It for everyone" Jay said, holding it up and. His cheeks were pink behind where he was sucking on his pacifier.
"That's a great idea, baby" Heeseung said. He took the picture and said, "I think we should hang it on the refrigerator so everyone can see it."
Jay could feel his cheeks blush even more as Heeseung went to go hang his picture on the fridge. He remembered when he was a kid and his parents put his art work or a test he did well on the fridge and how proud it made him feel. He felt the same kind of surge inside his chest now; they all liked little him. They all accepted him. Jay wanted to tell them thank you and how much it meant to him but he couldn't say that many words. His eyes were getting heavy; he was sucking slower on his pacifier like he did when he got sleepy. He let his weight fall against Sunoo who had been sitting next to him coloring. He was warm and secure feeling and he perpetually smelled like sweets. Jay could float away right now.
"I think it's time for someone to go to sleep" Heeseung said with a smile when he came back and saw Jay so content on Sunoo's shoulder.
Jay wanted to sleep but he didn't want to leave the comfort of all the others. He wanted to feel their arms and warmth around him.
"Don't...wanna...leave" Jay said, feeling hazy but just the idea of them all leaving him made him feel a bit panicky. He grabbed onto Sunoo's arm.
"We're going to come with you" Sunoo said giving him another sunny smile.
Jay looked at the others, relief beginning to blossom in chest. "Of course we are," Heeseung assured him. "We're all beat. A good night's rest with our baby is just what we need."
Jay couldn't help but grin; he imagined how nice it would feel to go to sleep surrounded by his hyungs; surrounded by love.
Sunoo helped him stand up and as the others began to stagger off to the bedroom, Heeseung reminded Jay to go potty again. Jay blushed a little bit but shuffled off toward the bathroom. Heeseung walked with him and waited outside the door for him to finish and when he had he took his hand and they walked back to the bedroom.
Everyone else had changed into pajamas. The twinkling lights were on and someone had put the lullabies back on. Jay instantly felt a burst of warmth and happiness flood through him. He watched the others climbing into his bed and he felt instantly safe. They were all there and they'd left him a spot right in the middle. Jay had never felt so safe and so loved; everything was going to be okay.
"Well, what are you waiting on, silly?" Sunoo asked popping up from among the others on the bed, his hair already tussled.
Jay wasn't waiting on anything, he'd just kind of frozen, looking at his friends and thinking about how much they loved him and his much he loved them. And for some reason his eyes felt all warm and fuzzy and teary again. He swiped at them and squeezed doggie; he didn't want the night to end. Suddenly he remembered one last thing.
Jay went to his drawer and pulled out the last little thing he'd had hidden in there. Underneath all the clothes was an old battered copy of The Cat in the Hat. He'd had it since he was a kid; his parents had probably read it to him hundreds of times. He'd always felt so loved sitting in between the two of them right before bed as they'd read to him. It warned his tummy to think of sharing a happy moment with his new family too.
Jay carried the book over to the bed but when he got there he felt a little shy and ended up just standing there, holding his book in his hands and feeling like words were beyond him. Luckily Heeseung spoke for him.
"What do you have there, baby? Sit down here with us and show us" Heeseung said with an encouraging smile.
Jay felt his belly flutter all warmly as he climbed into the bed. He was instantly surrounded by limbs and hands and warmth making him feel so much at peace. He handed the book to Jake; he wanted to hear the familiar words in Jake's cool Australian accent, he thought with a smile.
"You want me to read you a story?" Jake asked with a grin as he took the book.
Jay nodded shyly, handing the book to Jake. He settled deeper into the blankets as Jake opened the book, leaning against him so he could see the pictures. Heeseung was sitting on his other side and Jay reached his hand out so his fingers could find Heeseung's, wrapping up together.
" 'The sun did not shine it was too wet to play so we sat in the house all that cold, cold wet day. I sat there with Sally, we sat there we two and I said how I wish we had something to do' " Jake began to read the familiar words. Jay decided he didn't need to see the pictures. He closed his eyes, nestled against Jake's shoulder, squeezed Heeseung's hand and let the words wash over him like a comforting wave. He could feel the others; leaning against his legs, a hand on his shoulder...Jay felt so completely at peace and so, so loved.
Jay's heart beat all pitter patter as the words washed over him and his hyungs held onto him. Somewhere around the middle of the story Jay felt Heeseung gently pull the bunny hood off his head and begin to run his hand through Jay's hair. Jay felt a little purring noise come from his chest; he kind of sounded like a cat. Then he stretched out like a cat, feeling so good as Heeseung played with his hair. His feet touched someone else's under the covers; based on how ice cold they were Jay thought they were Niki's. Even though it was cold he left his feet there; soon Niki's feet were warm just like his.
Jay didn't want it to end. As Jake got to the end of the book Jay was nearly asleep. Heeseung's hand slowed in his hair as if he too was drifting off and the bodies leaning against him were heavy. When Jake finished the story, he closed the book, set it on the table by the bed and nestled down into the bed.
"Thank you, Jakie hyung" Jay whispered, his pacifier slurring the words. Jake was close to him, everyone so crowded in the bed. He gave Jay the tiniest kiss on his forehead before wrapping his arms around him and giving him a hug. As Jake gave him a hug from the front, Heeseung wrapped his hands around him from behind and gave him a hug from the back. A double hug; a hug sandwich. Jay smiled against the pillow.
"You're welcome, baby Jay" Jake said. "Good night."
In no time at all Jay had drifted off into a satisfied, safe, happy sleep.
Jay slept solidly, dreamlessly for hours on end; for the first time he could remember in a long time. When he woke up to find he'd been tucked tightly into the blankets, his pacifier still in his mouth everything about the night before came rushing back to him.
His head popped up and looking around the room he saw everyone else was already up. It was early; pink morning light was streaming through the window as the sun came up. They had a long day ahead of them, beginning filming for their Drunk Dazed MV. Jay could hear the others getting ready, in the kitchen making breakfast; they'd obviously let him sleep for as long as possible. Gratitude surged through him; he genuinely felt well rested, calm and relaxed. For the first time in a while he felt completely ready to face the day and perform at his best.
And he knew it completely had to do with the fact that he'd finally gotten to let go and be little. All evening...with all the others as his caregivers. Jay felt his cheeks blush as he remembered everything from last night. It filled him with joy to remember how the others had accepted his little side and done everything to take care of him. Of course he still felt embarrassed about it all especially when he remembered certain things from the night before like them all finding him sobbing on the bathroom floor and Heeseung having to help him change his wet clothes. But the moments of them holding him, reassuring him made him feel less awkward about some of the other stuff. Still, Jay wasn't quite sure how to go out there and face then all now, feeling big after he'd let them see his most vulnerable side.
Jay reluctantly wiggled out of the blankets and went to go change into normal clothes. He folded his bunny pajamas and put them away with his pacifier, book and toys; he already felt a pang of longing, wondering when he'd get another chance to be little again, wondering if they'd all take care of him again.
Jay eventually made his way into the kitchen where the others were eating breakfast. They were all chatting and laughing and when he sat down at the table they all looked up at him with warm smiles: Jay didn't know why his cheeks felt hot under all their eyes.
"Good morning" Jay said quietly as they all looked at him.
"Morning!" Sunoo said brightly, grinning as usual even though his eyes looked tired.
Hi, Jay" Niki said giving him a grin.
"Did you sleep well?" Heeseung asked, a note of his appa tone from last night creeping in from last night before he realized it and gave a cough, shaking it off. "I mean, I hope you slept well" he said in more his normal voice.
It warmed Jay up that not only did Heeseung mange to sound so much like a caregiver, he slipped into it so effortlessly. It was almost enough to make Jay slip again but they had work so he focused on that.
"I did sleep really well" Jay said, smiling and looking down at the table. He felt shyness creep in as he prepared to say the rest.
"Thank you...everybody...for last night" Jay said, his stomach flopping nervously. "It really, really meant a lot to me; you all accepting me...taking care of me. I've never let anyone see me like that and it...really means a lot to me that you accepted it. I love you guys."
Jay felt awkward; when he was little was the only time he could gush about his feelings without feeling shy. But he had to let them know. They could have turned away his little side; they could have been weirded out by it, they could have told him to just get over himself. But they hadn't; they had accepted every part of him and loved him unconditionally; they really were his dongsaengs, his family.
Jay was actually getting emotional thinking about it all; they all seemed to notice and to know he felt awkward talking about his feelings too. Before Jay knew it he was being wrapped up into a huge group hug, being squeezed by six sets of arms and even though they didn't say it much, they were all telling him they loved him too.