Chapter Text
Jay had been told plenty of times in his life that he was stubborn; he preferred to think of himself as headstrong. Sure, sometimes he didn't learn from his mistakes but that was often because he was being cautious and he didn't think there was anything wrong with that. He was naturally reserved and independent; he was used to relying on himself, a trait he thought of as positive even if it did get a bit hard to always take care of everything. He was trying to ease up a little and be more trusting and open, especially with his members but old habits die hard.
After the others had discovered his little side when he had a bit of a breakdown right before their comeback, they'd all been amazingly supportive and even acted as his caregivers that night. Jay thought of that night often and it always gave him warm fuzzy feelings. They had all made him feel genuinely small and so loved it was almost overwhelming. He was glad they'd found out so he could experience that with them. He vowed to ease up on his secrecy about being little, allowing himself to slip in front of them because they'd all wanted to take care of him and liked little him.
But it wasn't as easy as he'd thought it would be. Jay tried; he really did but some part of him was still unwilling to let go. His little space was a way for him to cope with the stress and pressures of life and while he totally accepted it as a valid coping strategy, some part of him was still embarrassed and ashamed. In theory he felt it was okay for others to be little but it was hard for him to accept he was little. Even though the others knew now it was still hard for him to let his guard down and accept it was okay to not be the tough, cool Jay they normally saw him as. He still didn't accept sensitive, little Jay.
As he celebrated reaching adulthood with the other 02s, his feelings of shame over his little side increased. Being small had always brought him comfort and that was all well and good when he was a kid. But now he was adult and he needed to grow up.
He wasn't supposed to suck on pacifiers and sleep with stuffies his whole life right? Other people managed life's stresses without being little and he decided that he would too. So he decided to give up being little, even on his own; while it wasn't that bad to do it in secret when no one would be able to see, he knew that would only make him want to slip more with the others so going off little space cold turkey was the only way.
Except that was hard because the others didn't get the memo; they kept doing things that would make him want to slip. One lazy morning it had just been him and Jake sitting on the couch watching TV while the others were still asleep and while he was flipping through the channels he found a particularly babyish cartoon and put it on. Jake had given Jay a big smile and said "Let's watch this" and then proceeded to snuggle up to Jay like he was going to try to hold him. It was like a switch went off in Jay's brain. The goofy characters and silly songs on the TV combined by Jake's arm around him, warmly holding him was making him feel tiny; his thumb was almost in his mouth before he could stop himself. He muttered that he had to use the bathroom before running off awkwardly and hiding in the bathroom until he heard Jake finally change the channel.
Then another day he'd been eating in the kitchen when Sunoo came home from buying snacks. "Jay, I got you something!" Sunoo had said excitedly before digging in the bag for something. Jay had assumed Sunoo had got him his favorite candy or something so he was totally surprised when Sunoo pulled a baby bottle out of the bag.
"Isn't it cute!" Sunoo said with excitement, holding it up.
It was cute; it had bright yellow suns on it with big smiles on their faces. It was so babyish and unbidden he was hit with the memory of Sunoo wrapping him up in a swaddle and holding him. Instantly he wanted him to do that right now and feed him from the bottle. He'd never had a bottle before and he'd never gotten one because he assumed it would be hard to hide. Longing sprung up inside Jay and he was reaching out toward Sunoo before he stopped himself.
"It is cute" Jay said taking a deep breath and forcing himself to stay calm. "Thank you, Sunoo" Jay said, making no move to take the bottle. He knew it was rude and he hurt Sunoo's feelings. He hated it but he simply couldn't let himself slip. So the bottle had ended up in the bottom of his drawer with his little stuff, unused but taunting him.
Jay had thought if he stopped giving in to his littleness it would get easier but it didn't; it was getting harder. When they'd all been out shopping one day they'd run into a display of footed pajamas. Jay tried to pretend he didn't see them but that was impossible when Niki grabbed one and held it out toward him.
"Jay, you'd look so cute in this!" Niki said enthusiastically. He pushed it toward Jay who backed away.
It was perfect. Baby blue and white, infantile without being too overly babyish looking. It looked so soft and fuzzy Jay wanted to know what it felt like it against his skin. He imagined it would feel so warm and comfy, perfect to play in or curl up in bed with. Jay was falling deep into his fantasies when he realized everyone was looking at him and he felt his cheeks flush with embarrassment.
"That's not really my kind of thing" Jay had lied, turning to look at something, anything else. He could feel the others' eyes on him but pretended not to notice.
Jay was trying; he really was. The problem with getting rid of little space as his coping mechanism was that he didn't have a backup coping strategy and stress still got to him. What did normal people do to unwind? Jay didn't know. He already exercised plenty, tried to get enough sleep even though that was impossible with the others and he didn't have the attention span for meditation. Jay's brain just never seemed to turn off except when he was feeling small. So without it he felt like his mind was racing and the stress and anxiety was mounting.
Jay could tell when it was starting to get to him. He had less patience and was getting increasingly snappy and short with the others. He knew they could tell he was feeling off but he didn't think anyone really knew the cause until one day after dance practice.
Jay had danced poorly; he was tired and irritable and so tightly wound it felt like he was going to explode. Even though he was dancing badly he kept yelling at the others and blaming them for mistakes. He knew he was behaving horribly but it was like a compulsion and he couldn't stop it. The others were annoyed with him and though he couldn't blame them he felt annoyed right back at them. Everything felt wrong; Jay felt completely out of his element.
The others had already packed up their things and made their way down to the car to go have dinner while Jay slowly packed his stuff up, sulking the whole time. He was so in his head he didn't notice Heeseung had stayed behind.
"Jay" Heeseung said hesitantly. Jay jumped a bit at the interruption in to his thoughts and resisted the urge to slam his fist into the wall.
"You don't need to say it, I know I was horrible today" Jay said angering, staring down at his bag so he didn't have to look at Heeseung's reflection in the mirror. Even though he was filled with undue rage he suddenly felt a lump forming in his throat. He knew his performance and behavior was dreadful. He knew he was a jerk and a failure; he didn't need Heeseung to tell him that too. Guilt churned inside his stomach.
Jay was surprised when Heeseung grabbed his arm and turned him around so he had to look at him. Jay didn't see any judgement or anger in Heeseung's face; to the contrary all he saw was warmth and care in Heeseung's eyes. It threw him so much he froze for a second.
"I wasn't going to say that" Heeseung said, "I was going say you seem really stressed out and anxious. I'm worried about you."
Jay's guilt increased. He clearly wasn't doing a good job acting like he was okay. He hated that Heeseung was worried in his account. Why was this all so hard? Was he really that pathetic that he couldn't manage life without being little? What was wrong with him?
"I'm fine" Jay said with a laugh, trying to sound carefree but sounding stressed. "I'm just tired."
Heeseung studied him for a while with eyes that felt piercing to Jay. "You haven't been little in a while, have you?" He said finally, his eyes seeing entirely too much.
Jay's stomach sunk; how could he possibly know that? He knew Heeseung was perceptive but he didn't think he was that perceptive. Jay's stomach dropped; he tried to wiggle out of Heeseung's hold but he was too strong and held on.
"I don't need to be little" Jay said firmly, a little aggressive because he could feel his resolve weakening and he didn't like it.
"Jay, you remember what happened last time" Heeseung asked. "You tried to push yourself too much and it made you have a breakdown."
Embarrassment washed over Jay at the memory of his breakdown. How he'd completely lost it and the others had found him sobbing uncontrollably; it was the last thing he wanted when he tried so hard to stay composed. "I remember that just fine" Jay said in a hard voice shaking out of Heeseung's hold finally.
"Then why are you fighting it?" Heeseung asked honestly. "We all want to take care of you. We talked about this; I thought you were going to let us."
The lump was getting bigger in Jay's throat and he had to look away from Heeseung because he didn't want to cry like the big baby he was trying to stop being. The others shouldn't have to feel like they had to take care of him. He desperately wanted them to but he felt guilty about it. He didn't want to be a burden.
And then Heeseung said something that nearly undid him. "Jay, let's go home; let yourself be little. Let Appa take care of you"
Heeseung reached out and grabbed Jay's hand. Longing spread through Jay's heart so fast and hard it was nearly overwhelming. Heeseung had done such a good job being his Appa before his heart screamed out for him. He could feel his headspace trying to slip, feeling Heeseung's hand in his own; Appa wanted to take care of him.
And Jay wanted nothing more than to throw himself into Heeseung's arms and accept that love and care. He was so close to doing just that; his heart felt like it was breaking inside his chest and Heeseung taking care of him was the antidote for it. He could just imagine wrapping his arms around Heeseung's neck and crawling into his lap, letting Heeseung hold him. He wanted it so badly it hurt.
But Jay didn't deserve it. Somehow with the biggest amount of self-control he had in him Jay pulled his hand out of Heeseung's and backed away putting space between them. The distance hurt, physically hurt him. But he could feel himself trying to slip and the tears were singing his eyes threatening to spill out. Anger flared inside him at his weakness, mad he was sad, mad he was about to cry, mad he was such a baby.
"I don't want to be little" Jay said firmly. "I don't need it."
He could see hurt in Heeseung's eyes at Jay's rejection and he hated it.
Jay hated seeing Heeseung hurt on his account. He tried do sound nicer as he said, "I'm fine, Heeseung. I don't need to be little. I'm just tired; I'm going to go home and take a nap."
Jay needed to get home; he needed to be alone. He could feel the tightness in his throat, the stinging in his eyes, the desperate feeling growing inside him. He didn't want to break down, especially in front of Heeseung. He didn't want Heeseung to worry about him; he could take care of himself.
"Jay, I'm not going to push you to be little but please don't go off alone" Heeseung said, trying to get closer to Jay who was already backing up toward the door.
Jay couldn't bear the thought of being around the others right now. He'd been horrible to all of them and shame burned through him. "No, you go with the others and have a good time" Jay insisted, knowing the others were all in the car waiting to go to dinner. "I'll be fine."
And before Heeseung could say anything more Jay ran out of the practice room. He felt bad leaving like that but Heeseung was just too nice, too understanding; too warm and comforting. If he stayed at all he'd break down his resolve.
By the time Jay got back to the dorm he was actually feeling better. The need to cry had dissipated and his panic had lessened. He was relieved; the last thing he wanted was to have a panic attack. When he'd left the studio he'd been completely prepared to have a good long cry but now he didn't feel like he needed to. He really did just feel tired and decided a nap probably was what he needed.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd been alone in the dorm like this; the silence was almost eerie. He was so used to the constant noise he'd forgotten how nice a little peace and quiet could be. For a while he just stood there and listened to absolutely nothing and felt relieved; all he needed was some sleep and some alone time and he'd be fine. He wasn't going to have a breakdown; he didn't need to be alone.
He drank a bunch of water, feeling drained after practice and changed into clean, comfy clothes before getting into bed. His bed felt even comfier than normal; the pillows fluffier, the sheets cool against his skin. Low light spilled in from the rainy, cloudy day through the window and Jay felt completely relaxed as he closed his eyes, listening to the rain fall, lulling him to sleep
Jay's sleep was heavy and uninterrupted; he dreamed and though his dreams made him feel warm and fuzzy he couldn't remember them upon waking.
Unfortunately his waking was a lot less peaceful than his sleep had been. A loud, distant noise startled Jay awake and he jumped in his bed. Instantly everything was wrong; it was night now and the bedroom was completely dark and the gentle rain from earlier had turned into a thunderstorm, thunder shaking the windows every few minutes. Jay was twisted up in the sweaty sheets and he felt trapped, unable to move his arms, his clothes alarmingly wet.
Fear flooded through Jay and he panicked. It was dark; he hated the dark and it scared him. And he was alone; where were the others? Jay felt so small, he tried to call out for someone but his words didn't want to work. Tears filled his eyes and he burst into sobs. He could hear people talking but they sounded so far away. Jay wanted to say help but all he could do was cry. He felt alone and scared and as if he would always be that way. He tried to kick out of the covers but was stuck. He began to cry harder.
"Appa….Appa, "eventually Jay managed to say but it was too quiet and Appa didn't hear him.
"Appa" Jay sobbed again but still it wasn't loud enough. Jay tried to suck his thumb but he couldn't reach it. Nothing worked right; Jay's sobs shook his whole body.
Just when Jay thought all hope was lost the bedroom door opened, light from the hallway spilling into the room. Jay saw a dark, big shadow cross the floor and he almost jumped until he saw it was Niki.
"Jay! Are you okay?" Niki asked. He looked scared and that made Jay feel even more scared. He tried to say help, tried to say hold me but it didn't come out; only sobs. Jay tried to reach out to him but couldn't with his arms trapped.
"Are you little right now?" Niki asked. Jay managed to nod. Niki was smart; Niki could figure it out and help him.
"Okay, hold on. I'm going to go get Heeseung" Niki said urgently before running out of the room.
"No!" Jay managed to croak out between sobs but Niki was already gone. Now all he could do was weep more. He was alone again. He didn't want Niki to leave. He wanted Niki to stay and hold him.
It felt like an eternity but eventually he heard the rumble of feet down the hallway and the bedroom light was switched on. Jay was grateful for the light and relieved when he saw not only Heeseung but all of the others. Heeseung knelt down beside Jay's bunk, his face exuding calm and warmth, making him instantly feel better. The others waited behind him, looking worried.
"Hey, hey….what's wrong, baby?" Heeseung said calmly, reaching out and putting his hand on Jay's cheek. It felt cool and calming and Jay wanted more.
"Help" Jay whispered struggling against the blankets. Heeseung instantly noticed his dilemma and went to fix it. After only a few moments Heeseung had pulled him free from the blankets. As soon as his arms were free Jay was holding out his arms toward Heeseung.
"Appa" he whimpered, wanting him to hold him, tears streaming down his face, "scared."
Heeseung sat on the edge of Jay's bed and instantly wrapped his arms around Jay's back pulling him close. Jay wrapped his arms around Heeseung's neck, burying his face in his shoulder. Heeseung held him tightly with one arm while his other hand came up to Jay's head, his fingers running through his sweaty hair.
"It's okay, baby" Heeseung assured him in a soothing voice. "Appa's here; your hyungs are here. You're safe; we'll take good care of you."
Warmth and happiness spread through Jay at Heeseung's words. He was so small that every emotion felt so big and consuming; without them there he'd been overwhelmed by fear and loneliness. With them there he was filled just with love and belonging. He hugged Heeseung tighter, smiling into his shoulder, his tears drying on his cheeks. His head felt all tingly where Heeseung played with his hair. Everything was okay; he was okay.
He could hear the others whispering and saying 'awww' behind them but he couldn't see them from where he was hiding in Heeseung's shoulder. He had his old t-shirt on from practice and Jay could smell his sweat and the BBQ they'd had for dinner and it was oddly comforting. Everything felt so warm and safe and right Jay thought he could have gone back to sleep on Heeseung's shoulder.
But then he was pulling back slightly, looking down at the bed as if thinking about something. A whine escaped Jay's lips at the loss of contact and he ached for it back.
"Hey, you all; go wait in the living room so I can talk to Jay for a second" Heeseung said to the others. He sounded calm but that didn't stop panic from flooding through Jay. It was never a good thing when someone needed to talk to you privately. Jay's tummy felt all jumbled with worry. Had he been bad? Was Appa mad at him?
"What? No way" Niki said, looking at Jay. "I want to make sure he's okay!"
"Why do we have to leave?" Sunoo whined.
"Hey we want to take care of him too" Jungwon said. They all argued at once and it made Jay's head feel jumpy and confused. He grabbed Heeseung's t-shirt and tried to pull him closer, tried to hide.
"Jay is okay" Heeseung said. "Don't be difficult; we'll be out in a second. Give us some privacy. It's not a request."
Heeseung said it all in his tough Appa voice. It made Jay shiver but in a good way. Everyone knew not to argue with that.
Even though they grumbled, they all left the room, shutting the door behind them. Jay's stomach was all jumpy and yucky feeling but he was distracted from it when Heeseung put his hands on either side of his face and turned him so he was looking at him. Heeseung was smiling warmly at him, so warm it was like Jay could feel it all the way down to his toes and his heart went pitter patter.
"You're feeling really little today, aren't you Jay?" Heeseung asked gently.
"Yeah…very small" Jay agreed, Heeseung's finger rubbing his cheek and making him forget his nervous tummy. Normally feeling this small would make him feel a bit panicked, scared of the complete loss of control but with his Appa and his hyungs here he didn't feel that.
"That's okay" Heeseung assured him, "I'm glad you let go so we can all take good care of you. You know you're our good little boy, right?"
Jay was smiling so much his cheeks hurt as they felt warm. Happiness was filling him up like sunshine in his heart. He liked that a lot! He liked everyone taking care of him. He liked a being their good boy!
Jay nodded really fast so Heeseung would know he understood. "Good boy" Jay agreed, his head feeling all fuzzy and warm. Heeseung smiled at him and gave him a tiny kiss on the cheek; Jay had completely forgotten he was worried. He just felt warm and full of love.
After a little while Heeseung spoke again, startling Jay out of his warm fuzzy head. "Jay, I'm going to ask you something but don't get upset okay?"
Jay's floppy tummy was back instantly at those words. Nothing good every started that way. Jay stuck his thumb in his mouth but it didn't feel as comforting as it usually did. Jay nodded even though he felt like he might cry.
Heeseung gave him and encouraging smile. "Good boy" he said, giving Jay's cheek a rub. "You're really small today. You're so small you wet the bed while you were sleeping, didn't you?"
What?! Panic instantly flooded through Jay's body. Sometimes when he was little words people said got all jumbled and wrong and at first he thought that's what must be happening. But when he reached underneath the covers he felt Heeseung was right. The sheets around him were wet and his briefs were bunched up between his legs, heavy with moisture. Jay didn't know how he hadn't noticed until now but now that he did it was all he could notice. It was warm and too wet and made his skin feel weird. The last time he'd been little he'd had the tiniest accident, just a little bit of a leak. But this wasn't a leak at all; this was a big, huge accident. He was completely soaked. Heeseung said not to get upset but Jay couldn't help it; he burst into tears again. He was so uncomfortable and so embarrassed!
Jay covered up his face with his hands, hiding from his Appa as he sobbed; he couldn't bear to look at anyone right now, even Appa!
"Jay, shhh" Heeseung tried to hush him. "It's okay. It was just an accident. We'll get you cleaned up and it'll be fine; Appa will fix it."
Heeseung tried to pull his hands away from his face but Jay kept them firmly planted where they were. Appa shouldn't have to clean up his yucky pee; how gross!
Heeseung let him cry for a few minutes, rubbing his back gently as he gradually began to calm his sobs. "You know it's really not that bad of a thing" Heeseung said after Jay had stopped crying as loudly. "You probably had an accident because you were so relaxed. You were so relaxed even your pee pee went to sleep and forgot to work right."
Jay tried not to laugh at that but he couldn't help it; a muffled snort of a laugh could be heard through his hands. He knew Heeseung was trying to get him to laugh so he just gave in. He uncovered his face to see Heeseung smiling at him.
"Pee pee needs to wake up!" Jay said looking pointedly down at his lap, commanding it to wake up and not have another accident.
Heeseung laughed. "I'm sure it's awake now" he said. "How about we give you a quick bath and change your clothes?"
That sounded like a great idea! Jay perked up immediately when he thought of Appa giving him a nice bath. He felt so gross and yucky; he was ready for Appa to wash it away. He nodded enthusiastically and jumped off the bed ready to run to the bathroom.
Only….when Jay stood up he felt weird. His undies were so wet that when he stood up they began to sag between his legs and drip down the side of his leg. Gross! He couldn't let the others see him right now; they'd know he had an accident. Jay looked down at his feet, not wanting to see Appa's face right now; his undies were dripping on his feet and it made Jay want to cry.
"No! No bath!" Jay insisted shaking his head and crossing his arms over his chest. He sounded angry but then he realized there were tears on his face like he was crying again.
He was still looking at his feet when he saw Heeseung's feet walk up next to him. He felt a soft warm blanket be wrapped around his shoulders and then there was a hand on his chin lifting his face up.
"Baby, it's okay" Appa assured him, wiping the tears from his cheeks gently. "I won't let your hyungs find out. That's why I made them leave. It'll just be between you and Appa."
Jay's heart felt like it was exploding with warm fuzzies. Appa was so smart and he took care of Jay so well. Jay wrapped his arms around his neck and hugged him, cuddling his neck. He felt so loved and safe; he got even littler.
"Love Appa" Jay whispered, wishing he could hug Heeseung so much he could and climb into his lap.
"I love you too, baby boy" Heeseung said giving a big hug before he released him.