Chapter Text
"Are you okay? You don't look so good," Jungwon asked Jay as they took a seat on the dance floor after practice.
Jay quickly looked away from Jungwon's serious stare, taking a long drink of water and willing himself to act normal; to act okay. "I'm fine. I'm great!" Jay said, too enthusiastically obviously because Jungwon looked strangely at him. "Just tired, of course. Aren't we all?" Jay tried to say easily.
"Yeah, I suppose so" Jungwon agreed though he seemed to not be convinced Jay was okay. But that was fine; it wasn't as if he could really see how Jay felt. He didn't know how close Jay was to falling; falling hard. He could feel it just on the edge of his mind. The lights were too bright, the room seemed suddenly too big; he felt small and vulnerable. Jay desperately needed to fall into little space; to let go and relax. But he couldn't; he'd just have to get over it.
Jay was under a lot of stress and normally he'd deal with that stress by being little but right now he needed to hold it together. The others were stressed too; they all were. They were so close to their first comeback and everything had to be perfect. The others needed him to be strong; he couldn't be selfish at a time like this and just check out.
The others knew he was a little. But that wasn't exactly by choice; he'd had to tell them. He hadn't wanted to; he was one of the oldest members and he wanted to maintain his image of being cool and tough. He was sure that the others wouldn't see him as the mature, cool guy he wanted to be if they knew he de- stressed by cuddling a stuffy and sucking on a pacifier. There wasn't anything wrong with any of that; it just didn't fit the image he wanted to have. But a few months ago he'd had no choice but to tell them. He'd gotten really sick and being so uncomfortable and having the others dote on his every need had quickly pushed him into little space. Still, he blamed the fever for completely losing control. When Heeseung had brought him soup one night, Jay had been sucking on his thumb and crying a little bit because he was in so much pain. Heeseung had obviously been a little embarrassed to see him like that and pretended not to notice. That was until he set the soup down and was about to leave the bedroom and Jay had practically wailed at him to not leave and "please feed me; I'm just a baby!" Okay...that had been embarrassing enough but Heeseung was such a good hyung he'd actually stayed and spoon fed him (which was amazing, even if he had to be sick to get it). Jay would have made an excuse about the whole thing if it hadn't been for what he'd done when Heeseung went to leave. After Heeseung had fed him, Jay had given him a big hug (out of character in and of itself) and then he'd actually slipped and called him Appa. No joke...when Jay's fever had broken and he'd realized what he'd done he was so mortified he could barely stand it. There was no coming back from that.
When he'd gotten out of bed and joined the others in real life again he could just tell everyone knew; Heeseung had to have told them. He didn't blame him: no doubt he was wondering what the heck was wrong with him. Jay had put up with half a day of odd stares from the others before he'd sat them down and told them. He didn't want to but he really didn't want them to think he was some perverted weirdo or something. He told them the bare minimum; that he was a little which meant he coped with stress by regressing to a younger age and acting like a child. Then he'd apologized to Heeseung for being so weird and promised he wouldn't do it again, explaining that it was only the sickness that had pushed him to be so little. He assured them it wouldn't happen again and that his little space was something he did on his own. The whole thing had him sweating and stuttering and just generally dying of embarrassment.
In an ideal world the others would have accepted him completely and assured him it was okay to be little around them; that he didn't have to hide it. But this wasn't a perfect world so Jay didn't expect that. Which was good because while the others assured him it was okay and that they didn't judge him for it, they didn't exactly say much else and they seemed a little confused and uncomfortable. Jay knew they accepted it because they cared about him and didn't want to make him feel bad. But deep down he knew they really thought he was weird. He felt ashamed and made sure the only time he let himself slip was when he was in bed at night, cuddling his stuffies under the covers and sucking on his pacifier with the blankets covering it up.
So needless to say he wasn't regressing very much at all lately and especially now with them being so busy with the comeback approaching. They were all working so hard they basically passed out in their beds at the end of the day.
But Jay knew he wasn't going to make it; he needed to be little. The mounting pressure and stress and excitement of the comeback was wearing him down. He needed to regress; he needed to feel small and carefree just for a night so he could recharge and be at his best. As it was Jay was barely holding on; everyone was talking and getting ready to go home after their long day of practice but Jay was still sitting on the floor, his legs pulled up to his chest with his arms wrapped around them; he wanted a hug but this would have to do for now. Jay could feel it already; he already felt smaller, less inhibited but it wasn't so bad he couldn't control it. He closed his eyes and tried to zone the others out. So many voices...so much noise...Jay wanted to put his earbuds in and listen to quiet lullabies.
"Jay? You alright?" Jay snapped out of his daydreaming to look up at Jake standing in front of him, hand held out to help him up.
There it was; another person asking if he was okay. They must all see he was about to crack. Jay felt his throat tighten like he was going to cry. You know….like a big baby. No...he couldn't cry in front of them and he couldn't be little yet. He had to shove it down deep inside where it belonged.
Jay took Jake's hand and let him help him up. "I'm fine" Jay lied again, so worried everyone was going to see he wasn't. "Just resting. We've had a long day."
"Yeah we sure have. Let's go home," Jake agreed and they followed the others out to the car. Stepping outside, Jay was even more aware of the noise and vastness of everything. The traffic was so loud it hurt his ears and the buildings towering overhead were too big and scary. Jay felt like curling up into a little ball so he could be warm and safe.
He got into the car and ended up stuck between Heeseung and Sunoo. Sunoo was making jokes and making everyone laugh. Sunoo was so funny; Jay imagined he'd be so much fun to play with. His hand was on Jay's leg and he wanted to hold it but barely restrained himself. He turned away from Sunoo toward Heeseung. Heeseung…. his only hyung...Jay was leaning against him slightly but he really wanted to climb into his lap and curl up there, safe and sound.
Uh oh...this wasn't good...not good at all. Jay knew he had slipped but he still knew he shouldn't have. It was okay; he just had to act normal until they got home then he could just hide in his bunk and no one would know he was a weird little baby.
But that prospect didn't fill him with relief at all. He was hit with a wave of sadness so deep he felt tears prickle at the back of his eyes. He didn't want to be alone! He needed to be little but he didn't want to be alone. He'd give anything at that moment to have a caregiver; someone to hold him, cuddle him, and take care of him. But he didn't have one; his little side was completely alone.
Jay closed his eyes and let his head fall back onto the headrest like he was napping. But he wasn't napping; he was keeping his eyes closed to hold in the tears. Sunoo and Heeseung were warm against him but he felt a million miles away from them.
When they got home everyone went to the kitchen to debate on what to make for dinner but Jay quickly snuck away from the group. The tears were nearly impossible to hold in anymore and he was feeling so little he was having a hard time hiding it. Jay knew he could cry in the shower and no one would know so that's where he went. He'd had plenty of cries in the shower, the water drowning out the little sobs that managed to make their way out. It was fine; it would all be fine. Jay could cry in the shower, get his tears out and then he'd feel better and then he could be little in his bed. Everything would okay; it had to be.
Jay's hands were shaking as he turned on the shower, tears already spilling down his face. Everything was hard. Getting the shower to turn on was hard. Taking his clothes off was hard. Breathing was hard because he was crying so much.
'I can't do it…..I can't do it…' Jay thought desperately, his tears turning into stomach twisting sobs. He sank down to the floor by the shower in his underwear, doing his best to curl up into the tightest, smallest ball he could as the tears shook his whole body. Everything was wrong; he was wrong. He was little….so little. He'd tried to not be but now he was; he hadn't been strong enough to hold on. His littleness wanted so desperately for someone to hold him and tell him everything was okay; that he was okay. But some big part of him knew he was broken. Why couldn't he just be normal?
Jay curled tighter in on himself, trying to imagine that someone had their arms around him. He imagined how nice and warm that would feel as the steam from the shower warmed the room. Tears soaked his face and snot was running out of his nose but he couldn't be bothered to wipe it away. He wanted his pacifier so much but it was so far away so Jay stuck his thumb into his mouth, sucking on it between sobs.
Jay could hear some loud thumping noise and mentally tried to block it out; everything was just too loud. He was completely lost in his tears when he felt hands on him and heard voices.
"Jay! What's wrong?"
Jay jumped, uncurling a little bit from his ball to look up. The others were in the bathroom with him looking down at him with concern on their faces.
"We heard you crying and were concerned," Jungwon said, looking a little embarrassed. "We knocked but you didn't answer so we worried more. What's wrong?"
And then everyone was talking and it was so noisy, all the words jumbling together. Everyone was talking and everyone looked scared. Why were they scared? And what was that horrible loud noise he kept hearing? It took Jay awhile to realize that noise was actually him crying uncontrollably. Now he understood why everyone looked so scared; they were scared of him, of how he was losing it in front of them. Then it hit him that this was the worst possible outcome. He'd tried so hard to hide his little side from them and now he was not only little but sobbing uncontrollably in front of them! Shame flooded through him, bringing a fresh round of tears to his eyes. He was horrible!
Jake's voice broke through the mumbled noise as he crouched down next to Jay. "Jay...please tell us what's wrong," he said softly, looking worried as he put a hand on Jay's shoulder.
It was hard to talk; it was hard enough to breathe. His face was hot and wet and he thought he was blushing. He looked down and remembered he was just in his underwear with the others all looking at him and then he knew he was blushing. He looked up at all of them and he felt so, so tiny. Jake's hand was warm on his shoulder. He really wished he'd hug him.
"I'm...I'm sorry" Jay said, his voice so quiet the others had to lean down to hear him.
They all looked confused. Several of them said, "For what?" At the same time. Now Jay was confused; surely they could tell!
"I'm sorry I'm...little" Jay said, wiping at his cheeks even as new tears rolled out of his eyes. He'd told them they'd never have to see him little and now they all were. He knew they thought he was weird. He knew they could tell he was broken.
They all looked at each other instead of at him; he knew they didn't know what to say because he was acting like a little baby. As they all exchanged looks, Jay felt so far away from them. 'Someone hold me...someone touch me... please someone love me', Jay thought desperately as tears filled up his eyes.
Heeseung crouched down beside Jake so he was in front of Jay's face, looking into his eyes. "When you say little, do you mean that little space thing you told us about? Like the time you were sick?" He asked gently.
"Yes! I'm sorry! I promise I won't call you appa again!" Jay said, embarrassment washing over him. Heeseung of all people had to be horrified to see him little again.
"It's okay, Jay. That didn't bother me" Heeseung said. He looked sad. He was sad because of Jay; Jay made him sad. What was wrong with him? Couldn't he do anything right? Jay started to sob again, his chest aching with them, his eyes burning as he rubbed the tears away.
"What should we do?" Niki asked quietly, looking at Jay with worry in his eyes. "I've never seen him so upset."
"Seems like he's having some kind of break down" Jungwon said.
"He said that he went little to deal with stress" Heeseung said. "The pressure of the comeback must be getting to him. I think we need to help him calm down before we can talk to him."
"How? What should we do?" Niki asked.
Everyone was quiet for a moment, looking at each other and thinking. Sunoo surprised everyone when he said, "Maybe we should try swaddling him."
"What?" Several of them asked looking at him quizzically.
"I said swaddle him" Sunoo said as if it was the most natural thing ever. "You know, wrap him up in a blanket like you do with babies. I read about it when I looked up about little space when Jay told us he was a little. It's supposed to be good for anxiety too."
"Wow, Sunoo. You did research and everything?" Sunghoon asked surprised.
"A little" Sunoo said shyly. "It's worth a try. Look, he's trembling; he must be cold too."
Sunoo went to go get a blanket while Jay was still lost to his tears. His tummy felt queasy like he might puke he was crying so hard. He wanted to stop but he couldn't. He was so...so overwhelmed...everyone's words still swirled around and sounded loud, he still was having trouble breathing...it was made worse by the fact he was ashamed he was having this reaction at all. It was too much, he was too sad, it was...
And then suddenly everything stopped. Jay's tears and sadness was like a storm that he was caught in; twirling around in his head until all at once it stopped. Sunoo had come back with the blanket, draped it over his shoulders and then began to wrap it around him. He pulled it tight but not too tight; a perfect kind of pressure. He felt warm in his body and warm in his heart. When Sunoo finished wrapping him up, he sat down next to him, wrapped an arm around him and pulled him so that his head rested against Sunoo's shoulder. It was nice...Jay closed his eyes, his last tears dropping down his cheeks. He shouldn't cuddle up to him like this but he just couldn't help it. He felt much smaller now, swaddled up, unable to move but in a good way.
"Do you feel better?" Sunoo asked him now that he was calmer and quiet.
"Yeah...much better...Sunny" Jay said, his head feeling all floating and fuzzy.
Jay's head was so floaty and warm and fuzzy that he didn't realize until Sunoo started giggling next to him. Yeah, his name wasn't Sunny...it was Sunoo. Jay felt a little shy at his mistake but with Sunoo giggling Jay couldn't help but giggle too.
"Aww...what a cute nickname. I love it," Sunoo said, giving Jay's cheek a pinch like old ladies did when you were a kid and said you were just too cute. Jay snuggled his head more against Sunoo's shoulder, wanting to climb into his lap but he was so wrapped up in the blanket he couldn't move.
Jay's eyes were closed when he felt a tissue being wiped across his face and then underneath his nose. When he opened his eyes Heeseung was so close to him, cleaning him up. He was smiling warmly at Jay and he looked so nice and cute Jay would have reached out and touched his cheeks but the swaddle prevented him. It felt nice to have Heeseung clean him up like this but he kept his promise and didn't call him Appa again.
"I'm glad to see you calmer" Heeseung said with a grin looking into Jay's eyes. "Sunny Sunoo really had a good idea didn't he?"
The tone of Heeseung's voice had changed and it tickled his little side; it made him feel little. "Want cuddles" Jay said. He didn't leave his cuddle spot on Sunoo but felt his lip pout out, wanting Heeseung cuddles too. He wanted everyone's cuddles.
Some annoying part of his grown up mind hung around though, reminding him he shouldn't be so vulnerable, shouldn't be so needy. Before he could stop it the words were out of his mouth. Jay said, "I'm sorry..." with a little pout. He was sorry but more than being sorry for it he was sad he couldn't just have it. It was nice to have Sunoo wrap him up in the blankets and have Heeseung wipe his tears. He wanted cuddles and for them to take care of him. But he couldn't say that, shouldn't say that.
Before he knew what was happening they were all kneeling in the floor in front to him, making sure he could see them. So many eyes all looking at him; they didn't seem angry but Jay felt a little scared. He'd said sorry! And he meant it!
"Why do you keep saying sorry?" Heeseung asked gently.
"Because I shouldn't be little! I know you all think it's weird and I promised I wouldn't be but I can't help it!" Jay wailed. And then even though he was still warm and tight in the blanket the tears were back, another huge wave, stinging his eyes and rolling down his cheeks.
Jay was crying hard again and was only vaguely aware of the hum of voices around him again. Then he felt arms around him and he felt floaty, like he was being picked up. He was definitely moving even though he hadn't moved himself at all; there were a lot of hands on him. Jake whispered to him, somewhere close to his ear, "It's okay...we've got you. You're going to be okay; we're going to take good care of you" in English. Somehow the words sounded clearer, not so fuzzy as everyone's Korean words in his littleness.
Before he could stop himself Jay was blurting out in English back at Jake. "I don't want everyone to see me like this; everyone thinks I'm weird and weak! I just want to be taken care of and loved!"
As soon as Jay said it he was desperately hoping no one else could fully understand him. It was bad enough Jake did because honestly how embarrassing!
That's when Jay realized they'd carried him to the bedroom. They set him gently down on his bed and everyone climbed into the bed around him, even though it was a squeeze. Someone had turned on that cool star projector light Niki had bought; the multicolored stars dancing across the room as gentle lullabies played from someone's phone. Jake hadn't left him; he was sitting behind him so that Jay's head was now in his lap and his fingers were running through his hair, instantly calming him.
"No one thinks you're weird or weak, Jay. It's really okay" Jake whispered in his ear. "And you are loved. Don't you know we all love you? Even this part of you."
And then Jay was completely weeping like a baby...was that true? Could it really be? He couldn't believe it but it must be. Because as Jake held him, there were all kinds of other arms wrapping around him and hugging him.
Jay was completely overwhelmed but in the best way possible. He was overwhelmed because he could feel their love for him in the way they nestled against him and held onto him. Jay still felt a little embarrassed about how he was sobbing but this time he just let it happen, let all of his tears pour out until there was none left. When they finally began to stop, Jay laid against Jake's lap, taking great shuddering breaths, watching the stars roll across the ceiling, the lullabies quietly calming him. Sometime his thumb had made its way to his mouth, sucking on it gently making his breathing and heart begin to calm down and slow again.
A few moments later Jay felt someone move next to him and then Heeseung was wiping his face with a tissue again, all of the tears gone. This time Jay didn't feel like there would be anymore to replace them. Even as Jay felt his littleness taking over, the storm inside him finally calming, he couldn't help but notice Heeseung looked sad.
"Jay, did I make you feel bad about being little when you told me about it?" Heeseung asked. He looked so sad Jay thought he might cry. Oh no! Jay struggled but eventually he wiggled his arms out of the blanket so he could hug him. He didn't want him to cry!
Jay wrapped his arms around Heeseung in a tight hug. "You didn't make me feel bad, hyung" Jay said, hugging him. "Why you say that?"
Jay pulled back so he could look at Heeseung's face. "Because you act like you have to hide it from us" Heeseung said. "You seem so upset about being little around us."
Jay looked from Heeseung to the others who all kind of looked sad. Jay's thumb fell away from his mouth, his lip started pouting out "I thought you all thought I was weird" Jay admitted, his voice small, "I wanted to be strong and cool. Thought you all wouldn't like me little."
For some reason that seemed to make everyone look sadder! Jay was sad at that but not crying sad like before. He just wanted everyone to feel better.
"We didn't think you were weird" Sunghoon said. "You said it was something you did on your own. I thought maybe you just liked to keep it private."
"I didn't think you were weird either" Jake agreed, "I was surprised; hopefully it didn't come off as thinking you were weird because of that. But like Sunghoon said I thought you'd want to keep it to yourself. You seemed so embarrassed and awkward telling us."
"I thought it was cute! I was a little disappointed I didn't get to see Heeseung feed you and hear you call him appa" Sunoo said, the only giving him a big smile instead if looking sad.
"Jay, being little isn't something you have to ashamed of" Heeseung assured him. "You're allowed to have needs, you're allowed to feel stressed and if this is how you deal with it please let us in so we can help you. Will you let us take care of you?"
Jay looked around at everyone; they were all looking at him with big hopeful eyes. They all wanted to take care of him? They would be his caregivers? Jay could hardly believe he was getting this lucky. He never imagined he'd have one caregiver much less six. Jay hadn't realized until that moment he was still holding on a little bit but he had been because at the assurance it was okay to be little, he mentally let go completely, dropping far down deep into little space.
"Yes! Please take good care of me hyungs!" Jay said with a big smile. He reached his arms out as wide as he could to hopefully hug all of them. He managed to grab Sunoo, Niki and Sunghoon squeezing them tightly while Jake, Jungwon and Heeseung piled into the group hug from behind. It was perfect, absolutely perfect; Jay was right in the middle like a Jay sandwich. He felt so warm and happy and loved...he didn't know he could be this happy.