Chapter Text
Chapter 9: Larten Crepsley, Father of the Bride
Enter cheesy wedding music:
Duuummm dum duh duhhhh... Duuummm dum duh duhhhh...
Enter Paris the Minister (who looked more like a rapper.).
Enter the Bridesmaids, gliding gracefully up the aisle to stand in formation beside the altar.
Enter Harkat the Usher escorting the groom's eight-legged side of the family.
Enter Darren the ring-bearer.
Enter Flower-Girl Kurda skipping up the aisle, holding a basket of various petals in all sorts of colours and flinging them every which way, giggling in pure glee.
And finally, Larten Crepsley, Father of the Bride, carrying Madam Octa the beautiful bride in the palm of his hand.
Darren remembered the moment oh-so-long ago, when he and Seba had watched Madam Octa creep off to join her new boyfriend, and Darren had jokingly pictured Mr. Crepsley giving her away.
"We are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of two beautiful souls." Paris began. "Miss Madam Octa and her beloved, Mr, um, Scary Grey Spider. These two have agreed to be wed before all present witnesses present as they recite their vows... "
As Paris droned on and on, Darren found himself wiping a tear on the little cushion on which lay the rings. He never thought he'd be involved in a wedding after he'd entered the Vampire World. Looking back, he realised that he'd never even been to a proper wedding before. But who said a Vampire Mountain wedding wasn't a proper wedding?
A deafening sniffle from Mr. Crepsley brought him back to earth. Madam Octa and Scary Grey Spider were now wearing their wedding rings (which they wore as necklaces) and appeared to be locked in a very passionate spider kiss. As they broke apart and proceeded to crawl back up the aisle, everyone erupted into immense applause, although none more immense than that of Larten Crepsley who now had tears streaming down his face. Kurda was also crying, however much less gracefully than Mr. C who was maintaining the 3 C's. Mika was smiling, Seba was looking around as though wondering what everyone was making such a fuss about, Paris gave Larten a tackle-hug from behind, and Harkat was grinning from ear to ear and riding on Arrow's shoulders as the gang followed the newlyweds up the aisle. Arrow also appeared to have tears in his eyes. It was a perfect moment, until-
I go oooh oooh you go aaah aaah, lalalala alalala
I wanna get get get what I want, don't stop
Give me give me give me what you got, got
Cause I can't wait wait wait any muh-mo-more
Don't even talk about the consequence
Cause right now you're the only thing that's making any sense to me
And I don't give a damn what they say, what they think, think is cool
the only one that's on my mind
I'll never ever let you leave me
I'll try to stop time forever, never wanna hear you say goodbye. (bye bye bye)
Darren knew he should have checked the wedding playlist one last time to make sure it hadn't been Kurdafied when he wasn't looking... the typical classic wedding music was supposed to be on an infinite loop (he didn't know how long the thing might take) until the party started, where he would switch to the party playlist. But it appeared Kurda had decided they needed a bit more "ooh ohh aah aah" for the return trip from the altar. Darren was just thankful this song hadn't shattered the atmosphere during the actual ceremony...
I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
I need you so much
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you...
When the group exited the Hall of Princes and Wedding Festivities, Darren was gripped by a sudden urge to jump on his mentor and give him one of the biggest hugs ever given in Vampire Mountain.
"Congratulations!" he squeaked muffled-ly into his red-suited shoulder.
"Couldn't have done it without you, Darren." Larten answered, surprisingly returning the hug.
"And I couldn't have done it without Control, Confidence and Charisma. Guess where I learned that?" Darren replied.
"When the student is ready, the teacher appears." Larten answered cryptically.
"I see."
Chapter 10: Seba plus Fruit Juice equals Bad
Half an hour later, in the Hall of Khledon Lurt, the wedding feast was in full swing. Darren's gang took over half of the High Table at the front of the room, leaving the other end of the table for the groom's side of the family. The rest of the guests, both arachnid and Vampiric, were seated at the regular tables. Hundreds of huge steak, burgers, hot dogs, pizzas, and roast chickens had been brought up from the Hall of Flames, along with huge pots of raw meat, for the more traditional guests. On the spider's side of the hall, there was a short, wide table stacked with bowls of flies, moths, worms, and various other delicacies.
But the one thing that totally surpassed everything from the last party was the Bar. Darren and Larten had not been informed of this, but Mika and Arrow had ordered a supply of dynamite off eBay, and proceeded to blast a crater in the side of the Hall, and turn it into a Wild West style bar, complete with a mechanical bull (which Seba found highly disturbing). And of course a selection of drinks that included everything from Bud to Vex to 10000$ bottles of wine to fruity little coolers (which Kurda favoured). And that was only the alcohol, there was also great jugs of white, chocolate and strawberry milk (especially for Darren), a rainbow of every colour of Gatorade imaginable (to fulfill even Harkat's wildest dreams), good old-fashioned Coke, ("I haven't indulged in this since the vacation!" Paris delighted.), a giant coffee-espresso-mocha-latte maker that was capable of whipping up every flavour of coffee, espresso, mocha, and latte in existence (Larten didn't complain.), and of course, low-sugar decaffeinated all-natural dye-free wholesome fruity drinks, ordered with Seba in mind.
Back at the High Table, Kurda was having quite a hard time cutting his steak, which was larger than his head.
"Mika? Mika? Mika Mika Mika?"
"WHAT!"
"Could you cut this? In like, little pieces? That I can fit into my mouth?"
"No."
"Whyyyeeeeeeeeee?"
Mika turned to his opposite side.
"Darren, why did you seat me right beside him?"
"For situations just like this!" Darren said through a mouthful of pizza.
Mika sighed miserably, reached under the table, withdrew his sword, and began to chop.
On the other side of the table, Seba was panicking because the beverage he thought was blood was in fact all-natural fruit juice.
"How-how dare you! What gives you the right to force-feed me this abomination?"
"Nobody forced you! You picked it up and started chugging it!" Arrow snorted.
"It is surely spiked with lethal poison!" Seba groused. "If I do not receive an antidote, I will die in seconds!"
"Actually, it is... low-sugar decaffeinated... all-natural dye-free... wholesome fruit juice!" Harkat informed him. "It is recommended... by leading health experts... for children with... ADHD."
Seba tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. Picked up the glass and gave it a long sniff. And decided he didn't agree with Harkat, and proceeded to fall off his chair and have a seizure on the floor.
"Jeez, Arrow, did you actually poison it?" Darren groaned, running over at the commotion.
"Really, Arrow, we all know you don't like Seba, but did you have to dispose of him at the Wedding Feast, of all things?" Paris frowned reproachfully.
"I didn't poison him, it's all in his head." the bald Prince glared.
"A-a-a-a-antidote! Seba shrieked as his head repeatedly banged into the table leg. Thinking quickly, Harkat scooped the remains of a hot dog weiner off his plate, jumped off his chair, and stuffed it into Seba's mouth, promising that it was indeed an antidote. With a squeaky gasp, Seba gave a final twitch, rolled over onto his back, and lay still.
Darren peeked over the top of the table at the guests on the other side.
"Nothing to see here!" he announced with a smile and a wave.
Darren had Mika and Arrow's muscles put to use by dragging Seba back into his chair, and Darren returned to his seat, only to find that when Mika left his job of cutting Kurda's steak to observe the Seba situation, Kurda had taken matters into his own hands, and the results included a mangled fork and knife, a broken plate, and bits of steak spattered halfway up the wall, and over 8 square feet of table.
Chapter 11: Them Vampires Jackin My Style!
Darren had been to a few feasts in his life, and the one that had just ended had by far been the most strenuous. He'd thrown his back out wiping the remains of Kurda's steak off the wall, and almost broken his wrist helping Mika and Arrow drag Seba back into his chair after having a violent seizure-type-thing. And he'd never mention this to Kurda, but he too found that the steak was very difficult to cut. The food was positively orgasmic, but he hoped there wouldn't be any more feasts for a few years. Anyway, now that the steak-cleanup procedure was complete, he ambled over to where Mika, Arrow, Larten, Paris, and Harkat were carrying tables out of the Hall to make room for the dance. Well, Mika Arrow, Larten, and Paris were moving tables. Harkat was sitting on them taking free rides in and out of the Hall.
"Darren, the speaker system... is ready... to go!" he called from atop the moving table.
"10-4, Mulds!" Darren called back, changing course to the direction of the music table. He took a moment to admire the state-of-the-art music station he'd created. The small stage in the corner held 2 massive speaker systems, which were connected to wall-mounted and hidden-in-flower pots speakers which were distributed around the room. On a table on the stage, there sat Kurda's hot pink iPod stereo. And on the dock of the stereo, there was Darren's own silver iPod classic. (They decided not to use the more glamorous iPod Touch for this task, due to the large amount of tantalizing side features which, if activated, could interrupt the party playlist. ) Darren set his finger to the click wheel, entered the Party Playlist, and clicked the first song.
Shortaaayyyy...
Aww shit, get your towels ready it's about to go down (shorty, yeah)
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck (shorty, yeah)
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this, let's go
This particular song earned some disapproving shrieks from Seba, but Darren figured it was as good a party-starter as any. It got over half the guests out on the dance floor.
I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a boat (sailing on a boat)
I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)
I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat (motherfucking boat, yeah)
At this point, Kurda began singing along. Not to mention busting a little table dance to go with it.
I'm on a boat motherfucker take a look at me
Straight floating on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat
You can't stop me motherfucker cause I'm on a boat
At this point, Darren gave up trying to keep control of the situation, and permitted himself to bust a few moves alongside Harkat, Mika, and Arrow, whose moves were much less inappropriate than Kurda's.
Take a picture, trick (trick)
I'm on a boat, bitch (bitch)
We drinking Santana champ,
Cause it's so crisp (crisp)
I got my swim trunks
And my flippie-floppies
Every creature in the hall who was even remotely familiar with the song screamed that particular line. Some had even worn their flippie-floppies in anticipation that this song would be played.
I'm flipping burgers, you at Kinko's
Straight flipping copies
I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
The dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget
I'm on a boat and
It's going fast and... -BOOM BOOM BOOM, gotta get that, gotta get that, gotta get that
Boom boom boom (Yeah)
Boom boom boom
"NOOO! I WANT THE BOAT SONG BACK!" Seba howled.
"I thought you... didn't approve of... profanity?"
"The boat song is an acquired taste!"
"Ah."
Yo
I got the hit that beat the block
You can get that bass overload
I got the that rock and roll
That future flow
The guests didn't seem to notice or care that the song had changed, they continued busting out random, dangerous, unexpected, and often disturbing moves.
That digital spit
Next level visual shit
I got that (Boom boom boom)
How the beat bang (Boom boom boom)
After singing along for a few verses, Darren decided it was time to hit the bar, and was eagerly joined by Harkat, Mika, Arrow, Paris, Kurda, and Larten. Mika, Harkat, and Arrow decided to try their skills at the mechanical bull first, while Darren and Larten grabbed stools in the quietest area of the bar.
"Well, Mr. Crepsley, I did it!" Darren grinned, sipping his Blueberry Vex.
"Did what, Darren?" said Larten absent-mindedly, taking a long, relaxing gulp of his specially requested vintage 1967 red wine.
Darren frowned. "Well. I planned the whole wedding, the dress got made, the food got prepared, the guests got invited, and the Hall didn't just set itself up, you know!"
"That is excellent, Darren, do you want a cookie every time you do something right?" Larten replied in a mentorly manner and with a roll of his eyes.
"I wouldn't mind." Darren grumbled, exiting the bar, blue Vex in hand. "A cookie is better than nothing... "
He was, however, unexpectedly interrupted as a large Harkat-coloured blur came crashing down on top of his head, knocking him into the bar and toppling a line of stools, some of which were in use. It seemed Harkat had lost his battle with the mechanical bull.
I like that boom boom pow
Them chickens jackin my style
They try to copy my swagger
I'm on that next shit now
I'm so 3008
You so 2000 and late
I got that boom boom boom
That future boom boom boom
Let me get it now
Boom boom boom (Gotta get that)
Boom boom boom (Yeah)
Boom boom boom
2 hours later, the party had greatly overflowed the Hall, there were now rampant guests surfing through the underground river, sustaining injuries in the Hall of Games, and a few wise asses had turned the Hall of Death into the world's largest indoor camping experience, complete with a massive fire rising from the Pit of Stakes and were roasting marshmallows, weiners, toast, juice boxes, chicken nuggets, steaks, and whatever else they could forage from the kitchen. They even had folding beach chairs, camping hats, and a few were singing "Kumbaya". Darren enlisted Harkat and Mika to safely lock Seba in the kitchen so that there was no chance of him finding this abomination to such a sacred place. When he was secure, they joined Paris, Arrow, Larten, and Kurda who were already seated. Paris holding a long thing that appeared to be some sort of antler, holding several marshmallows on each prong. Darren decided not to ask. Arrow was roasting 2 steaks, Larten was holding a mug of coffee in one hand, and a half-empty bottle of vodka in the other. Kurda was reclining in his magenta beach chair, wearing his white Dolce and Gabbanna shades. Mika grabbed a seat beside his bestest friend Arrow, who passed him a steak. Darren sat down beside Larten, with Harkat close behind.
"How are you enjoying yourself so far, Mr. Creplsey?" Darren asked slowly and clearly in case his mentor had taken too much advantage of the open bar.
"Darren... you made a... very good partay." Larten announced with a lopsided smile.
"I think maybe I should take this for a while." said Darren gently, attempting to pry the vodka out of his grip. "You can keep your coffee."
"I am... I'm doing... I am being good." he replied firmly, tightening his grip on the vodka.
"Let him keep it." Mika chuckled. "That shit wears off fast."
"I seriously hope." Darren sighed. "Madam Octa wants her wedding song to be played in exactly 45 minutes."
Mika frowned. "Maybe not that fast."
Darren knew in his heart that in his sober state, Larten would kill Darren if he allowed him to be drunk for his beloved Madam Octa's special dance. Taking full advantage of his Vampiric powers, he leaned over stealthily and ripped the bottle from Larten's hands and tossed it into the Pit of Stakes before Mr. C could even react. He gave Darren a furious and undecipherable rant about which Mika found extremely entertaining, but Darren just gave thanks that he wasn't hammered enough to follow the bottle.
Chapter 12: I Have Loved You All Along
Eventually, Darren and Harkat were able to round up the majority of the partiers, and managed to seal them into the dance hall to observe Madam Octa and Scary Grey Spider's official wedding dance. It seemed Paris had booked a professional DJ, who had shown up late due to her car running out of gas en route to Vampire Mountain. She went by "DJ Roxy". Seba, Paris, and Larten thought she was odd-looking. Mika and Arrow thought she was a babe. Kurda thought he'd just found his new soul sister. Darren was encouraged to see someone from the human world. Harkat thought she was nice.
"Hello Vampire Mountain!" said the stranger, taking up position on the music stage. "I'm here because parties with iPods instead of DJs are lame, and also a little something called "author's privilege"!"
The Vampires looked up at her blankly. She flashed a smile and continued.
"Aiiight, Imma take this opportunity to extend congratulations to the beautiful bride Madam Octa and her beloved Scary Grey Spider! May this couple live in health, harmony, happiness, control, confidence, charisma and all that NOW LET'S HEAR IT FOR MADAM O AND SCARY GREY IN THEIR FIRST DANCE AS NEWLYWEDS!"
Insert applause.
"But first... " said DJ Roxy mysteriously, "We have a few very late and very special guests who will remain with us throughout the duration of this dance."
On cue, the Hall doors creaked open and a line of dark figures walked in. Darren looked around in confusion, and observed that nobody else seemed to know who these weirdos were. Until they stepped into the light.
Darren made a squeaky noise.
Larten burst into loud, uncontrollable tears.
Arrow looked stunned, terrified, agonized, disbelieving, and overjoyed.
Harkat's face cracked into a beautiful smile.
From left to right, the line of special guests included Debbie, Arra, Arrow's wife, a Little person who was smaller and cuter than Harkat, Gavner Purl, and Sam Grest.
The next five minutes consisted of Darren passing out and Debbie jumping on him, Arra attacking Larten and shoving his head into a sink full of cold water to sober him up a bit, Arrow caressing his wife in disbelieving happiness, Harkat hugging the Little Person (the one that got killed by the bear), Mika and Paris congratulating Gavner on being back from the dead, and Sam and Seba striking up a conversation as he waited to talk to his old buddy Darren who was busy liplocking with Debbie, and DJ Roxy offering absolutely no explanation of the situation other than the unfamiliar phrase, "Author's Privilege".
DJ Roxy ruined the mood several minutes later by turning on the wedding song so loudly that conversation was impossible, so Darren grabbed Debbie and they swayed to the slow beat of the wedding song.
This time
This place
Misused
Mistakes
Too long
Too late
Who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know...
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
For a moment, Darren felt compelled to rip his eyes off Debbie to observe the whereabouts of his friends.
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know, you know, you know I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore
Arrow and his wife were dancing as close together as humanly possible in the most secluded corner of the hall. They appeared to be talking in low whispers.
So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away, so far away
Been far away for far too long
Harkat and his deceased partner were holding hands and spinning in a slow circle, expressions of pure glee etched upon their mutilated faces.
But you know, you know, you know I wanted, I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed, I need to hear you say that I love you (That I love you)
I have loved you all along
Larten and Arra had their arms wrapped tightly around each other, and were rocking back and forth to the music. Larten appeared to be leaning his head upon her shoulder, wearing a misty expression.
And I forgive you (And I forgive you) for being away for far too long
So keep breathing 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore
He suppressed a snicker as he noticed DJ Roxy waltzing with a certain Mika Ver Leth.
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Over Debbie's shoulder, Darren managed to catch the eyes of Sam and Gavner, to whom he mouthed "I'm sorry." Gavner smiled in a fatherly way, and Sam gave him the thumbs-up. Darren felt a tear leak from his eye.
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
"Time's almost up, guys." a soft and brokenhearted voice drifted up from the DJ table. Darren realised this strange event was too incredible to last... when the song ended, the lost guests would fade. He promised Debbie they'd be together again...
Hold on to me and never let me go
And they pressed together in the tightest embrace humanly possible...
Keep breathing
Until...
Hold on to me and never let me go
Like illusions, Debbie, Arra, Arrow's wife, Harkat's love, Sam, and Gavner vanished, leaving everyone wondering if they'd ever been there at all.
Chapter 13: Slide Me, Baby
While the official wedding dance had been both a joyful and depressing event of which everyone was unsure that it had actually occurred, Darren could not dwell on it. The time had come to cut the cake. There were gasps of awe and roars of delight as Harkat and Paris wheeled out the cart bearing the 4-foot high pink, blue, and white iced cake, complete with 2 toy spiders on top. Harkat appeared to be a natural host, so he gave Darren a break and proceeded to serve up individual slices to the long line that soon formed. He appeared to have control, confidence, and charisma down.
10 minutes later, everyone was seated and enjoying their cake, but Darren spied a potential miscreant: Seba had finished his small slice (he was on a low-sugar diet in an attempt to keep him normal.) and was sneaking back to the dessert table to help himself to considerably more than his recommended daily dose of sugar. Darren was currently reminiscing with Evra and Mr Tall, whom Larten had surprise-invited along with the rest of the Cirque Du Freak, so he discreetly texted Mika and asked him if he would please make sure Seba didn't overdose. Mika was eager to help, although Darren later wished he told Mika that a violent rugby-style tackle followed by duck-taping Seba to a spinny chair might not be appropriate for a wedding feast.
"Do you guys always have so much... fun?" Evra asked as he observed Seba spinning in a circle and trying to chew through the tape.
"It's a nonstop party around here." Darren sighed, gulping the last of his bright blue martini. It was lucky that he finished it, because at the next moment, a large, heavy mass collided with him at an extremely high speed.
"Where the hell are you going?" Darren groaned furiously.
The mass, that turned out to be Arrow, said:
"VANCHA BROUGHT A SLIP N SLIDE!" then departed at a dangerous speed.
"Slip N Slide?" Darren groaned.
"Slip N Slide!" Harkat's face lit up.
"SLIP N SLIDE!" Mika roared, following Arrow.
"Slip N Slide... " Paris muttered in disbelief.
"A Slip And Slide?" Larten snorted incredulously.
"WHAT IS A SLIP AND SLIDE?" Seba shrieked.
"Um, Seba, it's obviously something that slips and slides?" Kurda specified.
Evra rolled his eyes.
"It's not too late. You can leave and never come back." Darren informed him. "Save yourself. Go without me."
The Slip N Slide experience turned out to be a mixture of terrifying, enjoyable, wet, painful, chaotic, yellow, and inappropriate. Firstly, a long line of party guests tried to take a slide, but they did not get extremely far, and caused a 47-body pile-up less than halfway down the slide. When it was finally determined that it needed water to be effectively Slippy and Slidey, Vancha was momentarily stumped, as indoor plumbing had not been present in the Mountain when he was there. However, Harkat immediately rushed into the storage room and retrieved a long garden hose, which he then cleverly connected to the shower thingy in the bathroom. Finally, he cranked on the water all the way.
Instant hilarity.
For everyone other than Darren, who knew that he would A) have to clean up the mess and B) try to get the rest of the gang to help (He didn't know which would be harder), Mr. Crepsley, who was simply ashamed that he was allowing this to happen, and Seba, who was still taped to the chair and unable to partake in the fun. But he managed to roll his way into the hallway, and decided to wait in line for a chance to slide, chair or not. When his turn came, he used his feet to scoot himself several feet, then with a massive push, he shot down the middle of the slide with his mouth wide open in a silent scream. He flew over the inflatable bump at the bottom of the slide, and came to rest in a crumpled heap beside the wall. Darren advanced cautiously on him - injured and restrained animals were always vicious - but from beneath the chair came a phrase no one expected from Seba:
"That was FUN."
Although he said it in his usual Seba-ly tone, Darren figured he had genuinely enjoyed the experience, and could be allowed to do it again, this time free of the chair.
Now it was Kurda's turn to slide. Seemingly unwilling to get overly wet, he jogged a few steps, and slid skiing-style. He progressed almost halfway down the slide, before he was steamrollered by Mika and Arrow, who had found giant snow-tubes, and were using them to careen down the slide at a speed that caused Kurda to fly seven feet into the air.
Darren looked around at the lakes of water covering the floor, a small puddle of vomit in the corner, empty drink containers, squashed pieces of cake, a few undergarments, balloons sticking to the ceiling, trying to calculate how many months it would take to get the place cleaned up, then his eyes landed on an abandoned tube at the bottom of the slide. He glances sideways at Mr Creplsey, who was too busy lecturing Vancha to notice if Darren lost his 3 C's for a little while...
He scooted over to the tube, picked it up, examined it, heard someone yell,
"DARREN, HEADS UP!"
SPLAM!
All went dark.
Chapter 15: Escalade: Reloaded
Darren regained consciousness around 11 am, several hours after the reception broke up. He came to the realisation that he was completely buried. Distantly, he heard a terrifying scraping grinding crushing sound, accompanied by the sound of a diesel engine, along with a scream of,
"TURN IT OFF! THAT'S DARREN!"
"OHSHIT."
Darren recognized the latter as Mika's voice. The sound of the engine died, and there was a thump and a patter of little Vampire feet. Someone bent over Darren, and he experienced the sensation of being unearthed from a mound of beverage containers of varying emptiness, used napkins and plates, and some shredded yellow remains of the Slip N Slide. Finally, he was able to inhale a breath of fresh oxygen, and see the mutilated grey face of his saviour, and Mika parking a backhoe nearby. Behold the power of eBay... at least the mess wasn't a problem anymore. He just hoped it was being disposed of in a safe location. Burned in the pit of stakes would be fine.
"So THAT is where... you've been." Harkat greeted.
"Muuuuhhhhhhhh!" Darren answered, spitting a wad of unknown substance from his mouth.
Harkat reached down and grabbed Darren's hand, and proceeded to drag him across the floor in the direction of the stairs.
"Can't... you... walk? We need to... MOVE!"
"Wherwegoin?' Darren grunted.
"We don't... know yet!" Harkat answered. "Madam Octa just... ordered an... evacuation! We have to get... out!"
"Evacuhuuuhhhhhh?"
"For her... what's the word... honeymoon... instead of going on... a vacation... she wishes to have... the entire mountain... to herself! All Vampires... must go!"
"Wuhhyyy?"
"Well... last time we went... on vacation... Scary Grey Spider... proposed to her... so I suppose it... makes sense."
"Whurrrrrwegoin?"
"We'll decide... on the way!"
"Aaaauuuuuuuuhhhhhhh... "
"Stop being... so monosyllabic... and pack your bags!" Harkat ordered sternly, pulling Darren halfway up the first step and releasing him when his head thunked against the stone stair. Harkat hurried up the rest of the way, leaving Darren to finish the journey alone.
He eventually dragged himself into his room and guzzled a Red Bull and a huge carton of chocolate milk. Considerably perked up, he dug his enormous suitcase and backpack out of his closet. He'd stowed it away and forgotten about it since the terribly memorable skiing vacation. Although it had been a good time, he had sworn off travelling for the next 6 decades. However, it seemed apparent that this time they didn't get a choice. And they hadn't a clue what their destination was!The organized side of Darren's brain found this profoundly disturbing.
But smartly, he decided it would be better not to dwell on it. He was too young for gray hairs. Deciding what to pack was currently a far more pressing matter. He eventually decided that ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING would be the best idea.
Hair comb, snow suit, toothbrush, swim trunks, sunglasses, an old chocolate bar, iPod, half a pack of gum, various chargers for his electronic possessions, cell phone, his beloved 24-pack of sharpies, mini laptop, a juice box, toothpaste, industrial strength nail clippers, a dvd "Season 4 of Dr. Phil", scissors with red grippy handles, an envelope containing various photos and letters from Debbie, and an assortment of clothes, including the hot pink Abercrombie shirt, (a half-birthday gift from Kurda) flew into the suitcase, in that order.
Darren reached for the last thing hanging on his wall, the snow globe containing the dear old photo taken at the Ski Lodge. However, he paused, then decided against packing it along. Until Madam Octa decided they were allowed back in the mountain, he was going to be stuck touring WhoKnowsWhereLand with Harkat, Kurda, Larten, Mika, Paris Seba and Arrow. The last thing he needed was a picture of them.
There came a commotion in the hall, and a horde of creatures attempted to crash through Darren's
"Wheeeeere are weeee goinggggggg?"
"GODDAMMIT KURDA, FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T KNOW!" Mika snapped, attempting to crush his blond skull against the doorknob.
"Darren, I would like very much if we returned to the ski resort. According to their website, 4 new cafes have opened since we were there." Larten announced as he pulled a 360 turn and followed Darren back out the door towards the Essie garage.
"I WANNA GO ON A BOAT!" Seba suggested with dizzying loudness as he crawled into the back seat.
"NO boats." Paris said firmly. "Please?"
"If we go on a boat, it has to have a gift shop. And colour coordinated furnishings." Kurda decided.
"Somewhere with... food." Harkat fantasized. "Lots... "
"Somewhere without Vampaneze." Arrow added.
"I've always wanted to try a helicopter." Mika suggested. "And an ATV, and a Hummer, and motorcycle... "
"Somewhere with a view. Where you can see the sky." Arrow continued.
"Somewhere with room service." Paris ordered.
Darren sighed as he carefully shoved the last bag into the trunk, and cranked the hatch down, hearing an ominous scrunch as the overstuffed vehicle was further compressed. He opened the driver door and was almost blasted down by the old classic, the ever popular Ridin' Dirty. Kurda crooned along to the small portion of the lyrics he understood, Mika and Arrow made rockstar sound effects, Seba yelled for the abomative youngsters to turn it down, Larten and Paris played cards, and Harkat ripped open a bag of sour gummy bears and proceeded to fling them into the air, out the window, into his mouth, and occasionally under the seat.
Darren decided that wherever they were going, that place better watch the fuck out.
The wedding was over, but the adventure hadn't even begun.