Chapter Text
The studio was unusually quiet for an evening session, with Venti still away and Aether in bed early. Xiao traced his pencil across the page lightly, barely making a mark on the blank paper. He never liked forcing song ideas out of his mind. It was more comfortable for him to be in the mood to write about a specific feeling, but it wasn’t the most efficient way of working when he had to make a song with someone else.
Xiao glanced over to Kazuha who was doing the same, except every few minutes his pen scribbled in his notebook with a fast pace. The concept Jean had given the group wasn’t hard, but it wasn’t something he ever thought he would be writing about with his friends. They were each going to write a song on their views of love, incorporating the group’s concept of seasons into it. It was odd timing, considering Venti’s sudden interest in love and Xiao helping him.
He had no idea what kind of song to write about with Kazuha , other than a basic love song. The only thing they had were their feelings toward their respective crush and partner.
The sound of Xiao’s ringtone broke the silence and he picked up his phone, checking his text. His eyes went wide for a second before he closed them, sighing softly and leaning his head back against the cushion.
“Who was it?”
“Zhongli,” Xiao replied. “Venti got drunk and he wants me to come pick him up before he does anything reckless.”
“Well, I guess I can’t judge him. His last day on set was today, right? They must have been celebrating.” Kazuha never looked up from his paper, somehow still writing as he spoke.
“He needs to learn how to control his habits better for himself, though. Someday he’s going to get hurt, and what if I’m not there for him?”
“You can’t always be with him to protect him,” Kazuha said. “Besides, he has other friends to help him and us. He wouldn’t get hurt.”
Xiao grumbled under his breath and set aside his paper and pencil, stuffing the phone back in his pocket as he stood.
“Why do you seem so annoyed? You could just ask Jean to pick him—“
“ No. I need to go get him.”
There was an awkward silence as Xiao gathered his belongings, but he didn’t really care. Kazuha seemed to be the least understanding of Venti and his behavior, while Aether and Xiao looked out for him more often.
“Xiao.” Kazuha spoke up as Xiao reached the door. “Why are you so selfless when it comes to Venti? If you keep fixing his mistakes for him, he’ll never learn.”
He hesitated, but decided to ignore his friend and exit the building. The air was still as he left the dorms, almost eerie with how little people there were at this time of night. In a way it comforted Xiao; less people to run into and less people who could recognize him. It gave him time to think to himself, although Kazuha’s question wasn’t something he wanted to get lost in.
Why are you so selfless with Venti?
——
“Xiao, you need to leave your room at some point.”
There was silence from both sides of the door. Xiao refused to lift his head from his knees, the lights in his room dimmed down enough so it was dark but bright enough so he could see. He lost track of how long Zhongli had been on the other side of the door. The time in between his visits were a blur; he doubted that it took place on the same day, and that Zhongli must be visiting between free spots in his schedule. It was no use, Xiao had no intention of leaving the abyss of his room.
“Xiao, please.… It’s been months since you’ve left your apartment. The only reason you’re probably still alive is because of the food Hu Tao and I have brought over.” Xiao couldn’t help but chuckle dryly at the comment. He never said he was trying to stay alive in the apartment he holed himself up in, but it seemed like his friends thought so.
“If we could talk,” Zhongli continued. “I would feel a lot better leaving you here by yourself while I’m at practice.”
“… It’s not locked, Zhongli,” he said, mentally cursing himself for saying that so suddenly. Xiao hoped the opportunity could lead to Zhongli letting him suffer alone for once, instead of constantly checking on him. He didn’t deserve the attention his older friend was giving him.
A moment later the door clicked open, light shining into the dark room. It surrounded Zhongli’s body and he looked more ethereal than usual; at least, compared to the mess Xiao had become with his huddle of blankets around him. He stepped toward the bed and sat on the edge, keeping some distance between himself and Xiao’s blanket hut.
“You need to leave the apartment.”
“I don’t need to do anything,” Xiao replied. “It’s better if I’m kept in here away from everyone else.”
“That’s not true. Hu Tao misses seeing you, and I miss hearing your music. It’s time you started moving forward again, and you can only do that by going outside.”
“How could you just say that? After everything that’s happened, you expect me to continue on as if they didn’t even exist?” Xiao’s hands clenched around his blankets, his voice strained.
“I’m not suggesting you should forget about your friends,” Zhongli said. “It was a tragedy, but you should not let yourself fall into the same fate. They would want you to continue your career as a musician, for them and yourself.”
“I doubt that. It’s not the same without them.”
“It doesn’t have to be the same. It might even be a bit better if it wasn’t, if you found something new.”
Xiao sighed loudly as he shifted his body and the blankets around him, moving to lay on his side and pull one of them over his head. He felt his body start to become warm from the amount of fabric he had over himself, but there wasn’t any use moving them at this point.
His world was dark now with his vision obscured, relying on his other senses to know what Zhongli was doing. He heard a small sigh also come from the other man, the weight of his body leaving the mattress. Zhongli’s feet shuffled across the floor, and there was a soft sound of something being placed on the nightstand.
“The company I’m training at is holding auditions for new trainees. I know it’s nothing like underground rapping, but I think it would be a good experience.” Zhongli’s voice travelled through the room, finally ending where he knew the door was located. “I left a paper with information for you. I really hope you consider it, Xiao.”
The door shut close behind him when Zhongli left, and Xiao peeked his head out from the blankets to make sure he was right. There was a sense of relief that washed over him, but a lonely ache in his chest accompanied it deep down. Zhongli was the last person he would want to push away, but it was for his own good. Xiao would only hurt him in the end, as experience with the Yakshas proved to him.
Just as he was about to consider looking at the paper Zhongli left for him, he could feel himself start to doze off. The comfort of his bed captured him again and caused him to fall asleep, leaving the situation for another day.
The wind tangled itself into Xiao’s hair, just enough to move a few strands of it with each passing breeze. The flower petals from the bouquet in his arms danced along with the slow wind, thankfully not enough to ruin them. Xiao set it down in front of the stone sitting in the grass and kneeled down.
“Sorry I haven’t visited,” he said, voice quiet. “But I haven’t visited anyone yet, so you’re the first.”
The grave was silent to him, with only the rustling wind responding to Xiao. He sighed before he fully sat down, chin on his palm.
“Zhongli is worried about me. We’re the only two left now, now that Bosacius is nowhere to be found…”
It felt pointless to talk to the deceased friend who was buried five feet underground, but the words continued to fall from his mouth. Xiao couldn’t talk to Zhongli about his guilt; every single one of his friends’ deaths all led back to him in his mind. If he had been a better friend, if he had stopped them, if he wasn’t saved… Maybe he wouldn’t be so lonely in this world.
“He told me about joining his idol company… As if I could even be an idol. I could never look and act like a cutesy idol,” he said. Xiao reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the neatly folded flyer Zhongli gave him. The edges moved alongside the wind as it tried to blow it away, but Xiao kept it firm in his hands.
“I… I just— I can’t see myself making music without you guys…” He lowered his head to hide his teary eyes, voice starting to waver with every other word. “I haven’t been able to think of a single note or write any lyrics… What’s the point of living if you guys aren’t in my life and I can’t make music?”
Xiao was lost. He didn’t want to experience death like his friends have, but what were his options? It didn’t click until that moment how he spent months of his life in isolation, and it looked like his future would be the same. His career as an underground rapper was over if he couldn’t create music anymore, not to mention it felt like betrayal to move on in their industry.
He moved the flyer away from his face and brought his sleeve up to his eyes, wiping his tears away gently. As soon as his grip loosened on the paper, the wind stole it from Xiao and led it down the sidewalk path out of the small cemetery.
“Hey! God…” Xiao mumbled to himself as he stood up, jogging after the traveling flyer. It flew a couple of feet before he was able to catch it with his foot, letting out a sigh of relief. He reached down to pick it up, folding it once again to place in his pocket.
Before he could turn back toward the cemetery, Xiao heard a soft melody calling him. It was a piano playing somewhere in the nearby park, but it wasn’t a song he had ever heard before. His feet started moving before his mind could stop him, heading straight for the sound like a sailor following a siren’s voice.
The trees provided perfect shade as Xiao walked on the concrete, hiding the afternoon sun from blinding his eyes. There was a street piano set up in an area that looked like it was designed for performers. The pavement diverted from the straight pathway and formed a small circle, with the street piano and its performer in the middle.
The pianist’s fingers bounced along the keys, like a feather floating in the breeze. The notes wrapped around Xiao’s head and hugged him tightly, releasing any anxieties that plagued his mind. He couldn’t see the performer’s face; the only distinguishing features was his braided hair and button up white shirt matching his black pants. His monochrome appearance was similar to the piano he was playing as if they became one, but the pianist shined in Xiao’s eyes just as much as his music did.
He was about to walk up to him and thank him for the song when the performer was done, only to be interrupted by a similar looking man pulling the pianist away.
“We need to go before our parents find you playing here,” he said. Xiao only got a glimpse of their profiles, noting that they must be twins.
The two continued their chatter as they hurried away, leaving the piano alone. Xiao couldn’t leave the instrument behind, stepping toward the chair and taking a seat. His fingers hovered over the keys and hesitated, unsure of what to even play. The melody from before found its way back into Xiao’s mind, guiding his hands along the keys to replicate it.
He couldn’t recreate it completely, but the song brought him the comfort he longed from the past few months. Xiao could already hear the potential lyrics in his mind, followed by the sound of a guitar and a beat accompanying it. Even after he finished playing, it stayed with him and repeated itself like a record.
After he stepped away from the piano, Xiao took his phone out and dialed Zhongli’s number. His friend couldn’t even get a greeting in before he spoke up.
“I’m going to audition to train at your company.”
——
Xiao opened the door to the bar, noise from the crowd immediately invading his ears. He was surprised to not see Venti immediately, as he assumed his friend would have garnered enough attention by now to become the main attraction of the night. He weaved through the groups of people standing around, keeping to himself and trying to avoid any contact with others.
When he reached the back of the bar, he found a booth in the corner that held who he was looking for. Venti was obviously drunk already, his appearance giving it away even if Xiao hadn’t known about it from the text. His cheeks were red as he clung to an irritated Zhongli, the sight causing Xiao’s hands to subconsciously clench into fists.
It didn’t help that as he made his way toward the booth, he recognized another familiar face that made his blood boil. Childe sat across from Zhongli and flashed a smirk as soon as Xiao came into view.
“Hey, Alatus! Nice to see you again,” Childe said.
“Do not call me that,” Xiao grumbled, avoiding eye contact. “Only Zhongli is allowed to call me that. Why are you here?”
“Why wouldn’t I be hanging out with my groupmate, hm? Venti’s the one who was invited to join our plans, not me.” Xiao wanted to smack the grin on the ginger’s face, but he knew how to keep his composure. Childe was the only one who could bring him to a point that Xiao would actually physically harm someone, and he knew it.
The tension seemed to release a bit when he heard a slurred voice beside him, arms wrapping around Xiao’s waist.
“Xiao, you’re here! C’mon, let’s order you a drink.” Alcohol filled Xiao’s senses as Venti clung to him, his chin plopping right on to his shoulder.
“We need to get you home,” he replied. Xiao shifted his body to wrap an arm around his friend’s waist, supporting the man more comfortably for both of them.
“No! I don’t wanna go… Pleaseeeeee, Xiao you’re no fun…” His breath hitched when Venti nuzzled his face into Xiao’s neck, a pout on his face. “Stay here with me!”
“You’re drunk. I’m taking you home before you stir up trouble.” Xiao raised a hand to pat Venti’s head after he let out a whine, comforting the drunkard. Thankfully he was already too tired to keep fighting, and Xiao could feel him sinking further into his arms.
“Xiao.”
He turned to the voice calling him. Zhongli met his eyes with an indistinguishable expression; it looked very neutral, yet behind his mask was a sense of worry.
“Please look after him for the next few days,” Zhongli continued. “I know you will, but after today…”
“Today? What happened today?” Xiao raised an eyebrow, bringing Venti closer to his chest.
“Well… He told me he had a crush on me. I’m afraid of how he will react to my rejection, and with his history of… This behavior.” Zhongli motioned to the drunkard dozing off in Xiao’s arms. “I trust that you will be the best person to comfort him.”
His cheeks started to burn from the comment. Zhongli was clueless about a lot of things, including his own love life, but it was embarrassing for him to see how Xiao felt about Venti. He knew it had to be obvious to others, but he didn’t care. Xiao only wanted his friend to know how much he cared for him, and be someone who would always stand alongside him.
He glanced at Venti with a small frown. Xiao didn’t expect Venti to choose Zhongli as someone to try and fall in love with, as someone who knew he had eyes for the man currently sitting across from him. He hoped that helping Venti learn about love meant that he would find it naturally, not force the process. Worry settled at the bottom of his stomach at the idea of this becoming a pattern, and Xiao needed to think of a way to lead Venti on the right track.
“Don’t worry,” Xiao replied. “I’ll take care of him.”
“I know you will. Text me when you two get back to the dorms, alright?”
Xiao nodded to Zhongli as he stepped away from the table, with Venti still leaning completely into his body. It wasn’t difficult for him to guide the man through the growing crowd and toward the entrance, as Venti looked like he was on the verge of falling asleep right then and there. The crowd was helpful for once in the sense that no one was paying enough attention to notice the two idols amongst them.
Once they reached the front of the bar, Xiao opened the door and the night’s cold breeze hit him right in the face. His hair flew behind him for a brief second before it settled on his cheeks, the sudden burst of air surprising him. It didn’t seem to do much to the drowsy idol next to him though. Venti’s eyes were closed now as he put almost all of his weight into Xiao’s side, muttering unintelligibly to himself.
He helped Venti walk a few feet away from the bar where they had enough space from incoming bar goers before he decided to check on him. “Hey, Venti. Are you still able to walk?”
No response. Xiao sighed and shifted their positions, guiding Venti to lean on his back. He grabbed the man’s legs and hoisted him up on his back, his body bending forward to accommodate the weight on his back. Venti wasn’t as heavy as he expected; they were the same height, but Xiao thought the other idol’s lack of exercise and alcohol abundance would make Venti just a little more heavy than himself. It wasn’t often that he carried Venti either, but he would have to change that after tonight.
He wasn’t completely asleep on Xiao’s back as his arms moved to wrap around Xiao’s neck loosely, his chin resting on the rapper’s shoulder. Xiao’s eyes could see the singer’s chubby cheeks squished against the jacket, and he could feel heat rising to his face.
A few minutes into their walk, Venti squirmed a bit. It wasn’t difficult for Xiao to keep his hold on him, but he was worried about Venti gaining a burst of energy and fighting him off. It wouldn’t be the first time.
“Hey Xiao… Why did you want to be an idol?”
Xiao barely caught the question with Venti mumbling into his clothes, but the question itself captured him and left him in shock. His past wasn’t something he talked about, and his group members respected keeping his past where it belonged. For Venti of all people to bring it up… It was odd.
“Well,” Xiao started. “There was a time in my life when I was at my lowest point, and it was someone’s music that brought me out of that darkness. I’ve always loved music, and being an idol was a way I could continue to pursue my dream of sharing music I write and produce.”
“Mmm…” Venti stirred even more, his arms pulling their bodies closer together. “You sound like Caelus… He probably would have liked you…”
Despite his expression remaining calm, his mind began to race at the unfamiliar name. Just like himself, Venti was never one to talk about or dwell on his life before becoming an idol. It was something the two shared, although Xiao didn’t share his friend’s tendencies to make up stories about his childhood as a way to avoid discussing it. He wanted to ask about Caelus, see what their relationship was, but he wasn’t about to press Venti while he’s drunk.
There was silence for another moment, until Venti continued. “You’re likeable, how come you never date anybody?”
“I beg to differ,” Xiao chuckled. “Besides, I prefer to be alone. It’s easier that way.”
“No one truly wants to be alone.”
“I figured you thought the same up until recently. You never expressed interest in falling in love until I offered to help you.” Xiao turned and pressed a finger to Venti’s lips as they stepped toward the door to their dorms, signaling the man to stay quiet. He knew how Jean would react to the two staying out late, and how worse it would get if she saw Venti had been drinking. He was lucky that Venti wasn’t in his usual drunk behavior and followed Xiao’s request, staying silent until the two reached Venti’s room.
Xiao waited until they closed the door to turn on the lights, letting out a sigh of relief now that they were safe from Jean and the other members. He was careful as he placed Venti on the bed before sitting on the edge, taking off his shoes and socks. Just as Xiao was about to stand, Venti’s hand grabbed his wrist.
“I don’t want to be alone…”
Xiao figured he could leave the room once Venti actually fell asleep, but his expression didn’t match his words. His face wasn’t hopeful, or begging for Xiao to stay with him just a little bit longer. Venti’s grip was tight on his wrist, his breathing became more rapid. He looked at Xiao as if he would truly be alone in this world if Xiao wouldn’t stay by his side at this moment.
He gave in and pulled the blankets back, laying down and facing Venti. “You’re never alone, Ven. You have me, Aether and Kazuha, Jean…”
“That’s not what I mean! I’m not likeable and cool like you and the others… No one would like the real me, that’s why I can’t fall in love… My freedom comes at the price of being alone.”
Even though Venti’s eyes were on the sheets below them, Xiao was focused on the green color under soft eyelashes. He always had to pull himself out of it’s deep waters before he drowned in Venti’s eyes, but it never bothered him. He loved that they looked softer than the constant sparkle and shine that his cheerful demeanor would give; Xiao needed to burn the image in his mind before it left.
He gave Venti a soft smile as he moved closer, running his fingers through his hair to undo his braids and smooth him. His eyes still wouldn’t meet Xiao’s, but he was still awake enough to listen.
“Venti, you know how to love people. I’ve seen how much love you have for others, even if you think you can’t feel that way toward another person. I know the real you, the Venti who has a kind and pure heart. The Venti who is always willing to lend a shoulder and puts others before himself, even when there’s times you shouldn’t. You unconditionally love everyone whether you know them or not, and I think you should appreciate how you love more often.”
It was only after Xiao finished speaking that Venti’s wide eyes looked up. His mouth opened and closed as if he was going to say something, but nothing came out. Xiao pulled Venti’s body closer and pressed his head into his chest, fingers combing the hair out of Venti’s face.
“I’m too scared though…” His voice drifted off as Venti finally fell asleep, leaving Xiao to wonder what could possibly scare someone as carefree as him.
Xiao wished he could reach into Venti’s mind and take away all of his fears as he slept, but the best he could do was hold him close and hope it was enough. He didn’t mind being alone, but he vowed to himself to make sure Venti wouldn’t be from then on.