Chapter Text
It all started in our first year in Inarizaki High. I was scouted by Inarizaki to be their player. I was in Aichi Prefecture before coming to Hyogo.
I was placed with Atsumu in class 2 in our first year. Then met Osamu in our volleyball practice.
I hang out often with Atsumu so basically hanging out with Osamu. The twins were competitive, more than needed. Be it in volleyball to small things like running/practice, they gave their all to beat eaxh other.
When one is above, the other catch up, so no one is actually sure in who is better as they often switch roles in being the winner and being the loser.
Osamu is calmer than Atsumu but that doesn't mean that he isn't as hot-headed as Atsumu. Osamu cared about his image, he hangs out with others, he isn't making others feel that he look down on them, Osamu just act based on how others will look at him.
Atsumu on the other hand is more... How to say this, he wears his heart on the sleeve is that it? Basically he shows what he thinks, he usually acts without thinking about the outcome of his words and actions. He's arrogant or maybe confident, he shows that he is higher than them, that he is better than them, well he is in right but that is what others don't like about him. Osamu even talked about it to him being hated by everyone one time while eating. But Atsumu doesn't care.
I was always together with them, our friendship continues and developed into something more.
I took a liking to Osamu's mature point of view of things sometimes. He likes to think before he acts. He's also not as loud as Atsumu in comparison.
When Atsumu confessed to me, I was dumbfounded. I didn't expect that. I was quite sure he likes Kita but there he come confessing his love to me.
He's my friend and I care on how this will take an effect on him. But I don't want to lie to him and trap both of us in a difficult relationship. I told him the truth and rejected him.
After a few months, in our new year celebration slash new year hang out, I confessed to Osamu, I apologized about hurting Atsumu's feelings before confessing that I like him. He accepted the confession, he even cried. We dated and told Atsumu about it. He's happy for us, he even told us that he'll confess to Kita.
When Atsumu and Kita started dating, the four of us often hang out in the Miya House. We often do a double date be it outside or inside.
The problem in our relationship began to show when Atsumu and I spend more time in training and spend less time for our boyfriends. It's not like we ignore them or what but we just didn't have as much as time with each other unlike when we started the relationship.
A little more than a month after Kita and Atsumu started dating, I witness Kita and Osamu kissing. Osamu responding to Kita's kisses were like pins and needles digging their way in my chest and making sure that my heart bleeds.
I ran away. I cried. It hurts. It hurts more because my boyfriend is cheating on me not with some stranger but with our former captain, more so Atsumu's boyfriend and my friend.
It felt like someone digging my heart then started crushing them. It hurts so much that I cried more than I remember crying so. That day while running and crying, Atsumu who was on his way home ran into me.
I didn't explain, I don't even know what to say. I just found my boyfriend kissing his boyfriend, how shitty is that? I just cried and cried and cried. I don't even remember if I actually had a conversation with Atsumu. What I remember is just that Atsumu was there. He was there making me calm down and feel better.
Not even five days later, Atsumu found out. He never said it outloud but I know. I noticed the pain in his eyes, it mirrors mine that's how I knew.
I continued our relationship but it didn't last for even a month after I witness them kissing. I broke up with Osamu. It's not like I don't love him anymore, it's just that I... felt too hurt. Even though he promise... even though he apologized... he still... he and Kita still kissed behind our backs. I felt too broken to continue being in relationship so I just broke it.
After a week, I found out that Atsumu still hasn't broken up with Kita. I confronted him and asked about it. He knew they were cheating but he said that he still loves Kita. I still love Osamu too but it's just too much. He's down, almost as if depressed, I didn't even know how can Osamu not notice his brother losing weight and having eyebags.
After about two weeks we had a volleyball practice match. We lost, Atsumu's tosses were not on point. They were too off not to be not noticed. Coach talked to Atsumu about it but didn't blame him. Everyone has an off-day.
Even without saying it, I knew that Atsumu blames himself. He blames himself for the loss. He's someone who chases perfection, he wants the best in everything specially in tossing. However that match was a huge push for him. He's the setter and the captain but he failed to lead his team to win the game. He admits or much like he blames himself for the loss. It's not even a real match, only a practice match but that doesn't mean anything to him. A match is a match he said.
And then, after a month and a half, his health declines. Everyone in the team can see it. They worry a lot, me too as well, others even approached Osamu about it but it seems that Osamu isn't looking at his brother at all. He didn't noticed, he's the only one oblivious about it.
While at practice, when Atsumu did his jump serve, a first year noticed a bandage in Atsumu's thighs, it was hidden by his shorts but when he jumped it was obvious.
He said that he was playing with a cat in a park the day before and was scratched quite deeply that he had to bandage it. Everyone believes but I didn't.
After practice I approached him telling him that we need to talk about something important. He agreed and we went to a cafe, we sat in a corner and ordered. After the order arrived I started to ask about his relationship.
He said that it's alright but both of us knew that he was lying. When I mentioned the wound he tried to divert the topic to another but I didn't indulge him and push it.
He confessed. He freaking cut his thighs. I questioned why his thighs, I know why he cuts so it's a dumb question to ask why. He said that it was so Osamu wouldn't notice but I directly gave him a glare.
Osamu didn't even noticed his health declining, will he even care about his hands being bandaged? Maybe he will but with a little lie he's let off the hook. I said that he's fucking stupid, a freaking hopeless romantic. He just smiled and said "Love 's blind, ain't it Suna?"
Fucking hopeless but can't blame him. I said that he needs to stop that cutting or the team will notice. I said that because I knew he cared about the team. He stops as I said, fortunately.
Two months after that I found him, knocking in my door, tears running in his face seemingly endless. I knew what happened so I don't need to actually ask anything. But still, he said it. He just witness his boyfriend fucking with his twin brother. Ahh... I pity him... I feel pain just from imagining that, how much pain is he in when he's the one who saw that?
I stayed by his side, comforting him while also giving a few insults. He deserves it, he's being a fucking fool, a stupid asshole who can't love himself enough to let even his brother break him into pieces.
After two weeks of running away, of ignoring Osamu and escaping reality, he finally broke up with Kita. I was quite happy for him. He finally left that fucking relationship. I can see that him dating Kita was a shackles, it shackles Atsumu, he can't break free, it's making his life hell, it breaks him into pieces.
I can control myself, I don't want a relationship that I knew that will break me. I free myself without other's help but Atsumu needs a push. He tolerated the kisses, hugs and cuddles he occasionally witnessed but seeing his boyfriend and brother fucking is something that will shatter his world. It was the push that will have him face reality. A push he needs to break the chains, to break his relationship and to be free.
After the break up, he started getting better. His eyebags started to lighten, his health steadily improves and even his mood and emotions started to get better.
We hang out often after that break up. Two and half months later which is new year, Atsumu jokes about starting a relationship with me but I said yes, I knew it was a joke but I still answered yes.
Atsumu was happy, I can see it. I was happy too. While dating I found many things about him that I didn't know before. I started falling for him as the time we had together increases.
The relationship between Osamu, Kita, Atsumu and I started getting better after we started dating. We hang out just like before and we're definitely happy and content with the status quo.
Four months after we started dating, we planned to drink together, the four of us. Atsumu however was stopped by a training with a few professionals that's scouting him. He said that he may not make it but did not mention that he won't try to catch up even if late and I knew that he'll come after the training.
Kita left halfway because of a call leaving me behind with Osamu. We talked about trival topics until we land in our relationships. I joked about Atsumu being better than him, well there was some truth but I didn't expect to see jealousy and hatred in Osamu's eyes. Before I could apologize he kissed me. My mind went blank until I saw Atsumu staring at us, eyes large in surprise, tears started coming out then pain registered in those irises. After I come to myself I pushed Osamu and ran after Atsumu.
He ignored me for a while but eventually he talked to me. I explained myself being drunk, even promised not to drink with Osamu alone again. But after that kiss I realized something.
I care for Atsumu that is true, I don't want to hurt him, I want him to be happy, I like him, and he's fun to be around. We know what each of us feel, we experienced the same pain and we know each other's scars.
But then it hit me, that kiss brought it all in the surface. The love I felt for Osamu that is hidden in my heart as if waiting for the right time to appear once again.
I felt guilty, I felt like a player, asshole, I even punched myself. I started avoiding Osamu for two months, I pretended that the feelings doesn't exist. I know the pain, I don't want to break Atsumu again. I don't want to watch him being like that again. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to break him... I don't want to.
But then, avoiding Osamu completely isn't possible. We see each other at school, in practice, specially in their house.
Osamu and I eventually found ourselves kissing. It wasn't an accident. It was intentional. Even if it was hard to admit, I still love Osamu.
After that kiss, I locked myself in my room. I didn't open my phone ignoring everyone. I even ignore Atsumu's messages for a week. And then I broke it off. I can't let Atsumu be in a relationship like this. I can't let him tolerate yet another relationshit and break himself again. I don't want to hurt him more than this. I don't want to... I just don't want to hurt him more than he should be hurt. He doesn't deserve it, he needs to be out of this relationship.
I confessed cheating, I kissed his brother while on relationship with him, that's considered cheating, I confessed it all. I apologized so maby times, I cried as he cried, pain resurfaced in his eyes, and as if not enough he gave me a painful smile yet understanding. He understands, he knows but he's hurt. I know that's why I'm letting him go, letting him out of this relationship, he doesn't deserve to be hurt more. He needs to be out of it. I want him to be not hurt by having his boyfriend cheating and finding it out like with Kita. I want to lessen the pain. I want Atsumu to be happy and he'll definitely not be happy with me being his partner. I'll only hurt him and break him if I continue this.
After the break up, Atsumu locked himself in his room. I know that he'll do that, he did that too when he broke up with Kita. He ignored every message he got not responding to anyone.
I gave him time, I didn't bother him, I gave him space that he needs, even though I want to check on him, even though I'm worried about him, even though I'm always in their house, a few feet away from his room, I left him alone because I thought it was what he needs. But that is the biggest mistake I did.
I thought wrong. I did it wrong. I should've push it, I should've gone and knock in that freaking room. I should've checked on him. But I didn't, I freaking didn't do it because of the thought that he needs to be alone!
I'm wrong, my decision is wrong, I shouldn't have broken up with him. If Kita and Osamu fucking was the push for him to break the relationship he's in, then I think, me breaking up with him was the last push to kill himself.
It's my fault. I didn't think enough. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have... I'm sorry Atsumu... I'm really sorry...
Atsumu died not even a week after our break up. He committed suicide...
When the news came out, almost everyone point on Osamu saying that he's the one that's in wrong, saying that he's the cause of Atsumu's death. But they were wrong, I... I'm also the reason why... I should've done better.
When I found Osamu, in Atsumu's room clutching a notebook and letter, while crying, I guessed the reason. Reading the notes and letter Atsumu left behind I also joined the cries.
Until the very end, a very Atsumu like behavior... He left caring for others, caring for his twin, caring for me...
Until the end Atsu... Damn it... I miss you... I... I love you...