Chapter Text
Two months later when Kakashi had been staying with Jiraiya for almost 3 months, Sarutobi-sensei pulled the hokage card and told in no uncertain terms to Jiraiya that this mission was not optional if Jiraiya wanted to keep his title of Jounin and wanted to keep kakashi as a ward. The mission was too important and too dangerous for it to be assigned to any other but their best Shinobi’s.
Jiraiya found himself guilty of not having protested too much anyways, he was already too antsy, he needed this, just a mission, few days or weeks at most. Tsunade’s smirk was a giveaway though.
It was ororchimaru who voiced his thoughts about the boy in Jiraiya’s care, “ what are you going to tell the boy?”
Jiraiya sighed and gave Orochimaru a scowl before accepting that his friend’s question actually bears some merit and is not said in contempt or derision or glee like all of Tsunade’s have been.
“ That I have to go on a mission. He may be only 5 but he’s quite smart for his age. There are already talks of him graduating the academy early” He didn’t want to boast but the pride in his voice came naturally.
“ really?” Tsunade always underestimated the kid. Jiraiya gave her a dirty look still not ready to forgive her for how she was judging a small child.
“ yes. I just wish we would return before that happens. I want to be here for him. He’s already been through enough alone.”
“I think you were able to provide little Kakashi-kun a stable home when he needed it most.” Orochimaru said in his most regal and no nonsense tone. Somehow the snake loving creep has taken a liking to the boy. Jiraiya is not sure how he feels about orochimaru taking a liking to kakashi.
“ hmm…I hope you are right.”
Jiraiya knew that his presence meant allot to Kakashi who would have otherwise gone through everything all alone, not willing to ask for help and perhaps somehow right in all his decisions. It still made Jiraiya’s heart thump wildly how the boy had been hungry, alone and sleepless for 5 days straight before Jiraiya met him and forced those things on him.
The boy was still notorious about taking care of himself. He was reckless in learning as his genius mind went ahead not caring about his still small developing body.
He was also quite emotionally distant. He allowed Jiraiya to bestow some pets, some head ruffles, sometimes a hug on him but otherwise he was very self sufficient and demanded his space.
Although whenever Jiraiya was busy and the boy wanted to show jiraiya something new he had learned he quickly became the most demanding puppy in the history. It was endearing and even without Tsunade and Minato’s knowing glances and Orochimaru’s creepy silence Jiraiya knew the boy had him whipped.
But apparently the bond, the love, the affection he felt for the boy was not enough to cure that itch inside jiraiya that wanted him to travel, discover new things, jutsus, talents hidden under grief and neglect. He needed fresh air and new surroundings.
He needed to get out for a few weeks and explore this world which they were trying to save.
He’ll just have to ask Minato to keep an eye on the kid. Kushina might get involved as well and that would be better. Jiraiya hoped Kakashi would understand.
That night he brought up the mission while they were having dinner. Kakashi looked at him with that confused head tilt that justified his nickname and asked,
“ are you telling me or asking me?”
“ I am telling you. Don’t sass with me pup” Jiraiya growled playfully at him.
Kakashi nodded his head, his unruly silver bangs falling in his eyes which were pushed back with a frown. Jiraiya knew a solution to the problem but the kid looked just so adorable like that!
“ you don’t sound very sure.”
“ I have orders from the Hokage. I am sure, believe me”
“ I will when you believe it yourself”
“ you know you are becoming too cheeky for your own good”
Kakashi just tilted his head in his direction and kept staring. Was Jiraiya being dominated in conversation by a 5 year old?
“ I am just worried” What would you know. He was. Endearing.
“ about?” Was this kid seriously giving him a pep talk right now?
“ are you giving me a pep talk?”
“ do you need one?”
“ do I look like I need one to you? I have been on fifty times the missions than you are aged pup” Jiraiya gave the little boy a scowl. Internally however he was clearly enjoying this conversation. The kid’s seriousness is amusing.
“ well, you look like you need one still.”
“HEY! Pup you are crossing limits” Jiraiya threatened trying to keep a straight face even though he really did feel indignant.
“ I think I’ll be fine without you here. You don’t need to be worried.”
“That’s not (Kakashi gave him a look) alright alright geez. I asked Minato to keep a look out for you.”
“ I don’t need a babysitter” The boy just looked cute like his little pug summons all huffing and indignant.
“ just for my peace of mind then.”
“ you should trust me. I may not be stronger than Minato sensei but I can handle myself quite well”
Jiraiya just couldn’t control his smile at that. Well, the kid may not be wrong as he may be small and lacking in strength but he was a genius.
“ I know I know. But Minato’s a mother hen anyways and he insisted. By the way, sensei hunh?”
“ he taught me a new jutsu”
Well that was news to Jiraiya. When had the kid sneaked off to train with minato?
“ he came by today when you were gone to meet hokage-Sama”
What?
“ you learned a new jutsu TODAY?”
The kid just shrugged.
“ will you show it to me?”
The kid shook his head and Jiraiya had apparently been derailed off the topic and lost precious words that Kakashi bothered to gift him with.
“ will you be alright by yourself? How are the villagers and kids at academy treating you?”
Kakashi just glared at him with his arms crossed in front of him.
Jiraiya however really needed the answer to that question. Adorable little puppies aside.
“ pup, I just want to know. I am not gonna meddle I promise, I know it’s your fight. But if it’s escalated in anyway I am your guardian and I want to keep you safe always.”
Kakashi sighed and his posture slumped. He looked like a 5 year old then and Jiraiya’s heart thumped,
“ it’s alright. It’s nothing I can’t deal with. ( seeing Jiraiya not looking happy with that answer) I promise to tell Minato sensei if something bad happens.”
“ alright that’s good enough for me.”
Jiraiya looked at Kakashi’s bowl and saw it still more than half full. Sighing he nudged the kid to eat. It was hard to get the kid in a habit of eating regularly and he was afraid that the kid would go back to his earlier habit of missing meals. He’ll have to preposition Kushina to take care of the kids meals.
Kakashi however hesitated and Jiraiya sensing the troubled mind in front of him prompted the kid softly, “ what is it?” Well…as softly as Kakashi preferred.
“I..its nothing” The pup however wouldn’t look at him with those bored grey eyes.
Jiraiya tried once again to find out what was bothering the little child but received no answer. The kid didn’t even finish his meal and today like many days before Jiraiya lost the battle with Kakashi’s stubbornness. He was trying not to force the kid about anything.
It was later in the night, both of them busy with their late night rituals, Kakashi just before bed and Jiraiya sitting down to make a list of all things he had need on his mission. He hasn’t been on a mission in quite some time, he’ll have to visit the shops for some rations. He’ll also have to talk to Minato tomorrow regarding watching Kakashi even though he’s quite sure if Minato was not on a mission he’ll look after the boy. He’s grown attached to that head tilt and hence does quite a lot of stupid things.
It’s when he’s preparing to go and lie down that he hears scuffling from beside him, he turns and seeing Kakashi standing there in his soft blue pyjamas with small dogs on them makes a smile appear on his face and warmth bloom in his chest. He calls the boy closer,
“ can’t sleep pup?”
Kakashi comes closer but doesn’t touch jiraiya, he’s not wearing his usual mask either since it’s a special one. It has little shuriken on it and Kakashi had scowled in it’s direction the first time jiraiya got it for him. He religiously wears it to sleep now.
“ wanna talk?”
A shake of his head.
“ want some head rubs?” the kid hesitated but ultimately shook his head at that too and jiraiya sighed hoping to have been provided that bit of luxury to sooth his own heart.
“ what is it then?”
Kakashi was just looking at his feet and Jiraiya decided to give the boy some time to process in his own space, so he stayed silent and continued his work throwing glances in Kakashi’s direction.
After almost 10 minutes of silence Kakashi asked softly,
“ When will you return?”
So as not to dissuade the shy child from speaking Jiraiya kept his focus on the paper in front of him,
“ hmm…might be a few days or might take few weeks. Not longer than that though”
“ that’s not an answer” he heard the grumpy voice and smiled.
“ hmm…it wasn’t was it?”
The kid harrumphed and stayed quite. When there was nothing for another few minutes Jiraiya thought that in his pettiness he had once again lost the conversation but then he heard the soft voice once again. Very small, shy and filled with doubt.
“ will you…umm..will you return?”
Am I enough for you to come back? To want to come back?
Jiraiya looked at the small child and felt his heart thump wildly yet again. He is so small still, yet so intelligent and so damaged. It makes Jiraiya feel guilty about leaving.
He purposefully conveys his action as his hand move towards the child and he is happy when Kakashi jerks but doesn’t bother with stopping him. He simply puts his hand on the child’s head.
“ I have told you haven’t i? We are pack and I’ll always return to you.”
“Tou-chan was pack too” the kid has the uncanny ability to point out anything shrewdly even something as sensitive as his own father’s death. Perhaps it’s a coping mechanism for him. The child is quite well read.
Jiraiya however has no answer to that. He doesn’t want to explain to a child why his father chose death instead of him. He doesn’t understand it well either. So he tries something else,
“ do you trust me”
“ that’s not what I asked” his little pup is evil.
“ just work with me here, pup. You should listen to your adults.”
“ but they are all so dumb and boring” the whine is nothing new to Jiraiya who’s heard it many times whenever the boy’s been in the mood to share anything about his day at the academy.
“ well, I hope not all of them. (When kakashi wanted to interrupt he just showed his other hand in a sign of silence and defeat about the argument. With kakashi it’s about choosing your battles). Just answer will you?”
“ sometimes”
Jiraiya is forced to smile. Honest to a fault and never making it easy to make him understand something.
“ well then I hope this is one of those times and that you’ll trust me to keep my word about protecting you always.”
Kakashi seemed to be thinking about it so jiraiya began to scratch his head lightly, happy to see the boy relax his shoulders finally. The boy nodded solemnly.
“ I’ll try”
Jiraiya laughed and brought the boy forward enjoying the surprised squeak from him and hugged him tightly to his chest. Kakashi protested and whined but relaxed in the embrace. At least for a minute which set a record for them.
“ that’s best to keep me on my toes I guess, pup”
Jiraiya left the next day after sun down as it was decided among the teammates that it would be better to travel at night to avoid detection.
Kakashi graduated from the academy 6 weeks later, this time with reluctance as he stood their alone waiting for a particular face in the very small group of people that had gathered. Some to see the prodigy, some to see the hatake brat and berate him, and some like Minato sensei, Gai and his dad and some other classmates of Kakashi’s just to support and be a part of his accomplishments.
Kakashi stayed at Jiraiya’s home even when Minato propositioned him to stay with him when Jiraiya hadn’t returned in 2 months. He sounded slightly constipated while offering and Kakashi had no intention of living with a teenager.
It was becoming steadily difficult to stay at Jiraiya’s house however. He lived in a fairly populated shinobi district and with Jiraiya gone people were becoming quite difficult to handle. The derisive looks were intensified, the whispers harsher. His body ached with how tensed he became just for a walk home.
Home? He wasn’t sure anymore after 3 months of Jiraiya’s absence. He himself didn’t quite need an adult really. He was a genin now and hence able to earn for himself. There were quite a few missions which required a small child after-all. In just a month he’s already been on 3 missions, all almost a week long.
Minato sensei however disagreed when Kakashi recounted one of his mission’s to him and convinced the sandaime to let him take Kakashi on as his apprentice. It was awesome!
Kakashi got to learn allot under Minato sensei but he didn’t quite take them on missions of the same caliber as Kakashi had already been on, the pay was quite low and missions less frequent and Kakashi needed funds. So he took on missions whenever Minato sensei was not available which was quite often as they neared war.
He felt lonely sometimes and it was one such day when he suddenly questioned Minato Sensei,
“ sensei? Why did otou-san commit sepuku?”
Minato sensei had clearly not been expecting that question because he sputtered quite embarrassingly but Kakashi said nothing. He felt quite sad today.
“It’s not easy to say Kakashi-kun. I didn’t know your father very well. But perhaps. Do you think he loved you Kakashi-kun?”
“ I think so?” His fist tightened in his shorts. He had thought he did but his mind couldn’t reconcile with the fact that he left him alone despite loving him.
“ hmmm. You see Kakashi-Kun sometimes when you are sad and hurting and know that your being sad could be hurting a precious one, a loved one than you decide to take drastic actions to protect them. It’s not good kakashi-kun. It’s not ideal but I think what your father did was because he loved you very much and didn’t want to see you getting hurt because of him”
Kakashi didn’t say anything to that and they trained later than usual. When Minato Sensei asked him to stay with him, concerned about the boy’s silence he denied with a reassuring crescent smile. He knew Minato Sensei was just being polite anyways, he had a mission tomorrow.
It had been four months since Jiraiya-san left and Kakashi was beginning to doubt the trust he had decided to place in the white haired man.
A few days later when Kakashi was home from a week long mission he took during Minato-Sensei’s absence there was a knock on the door. Kakashi’s heart thumped, nobody really visited except Minato-sensei and if someone is knocking then they must have been able to pass through all the wards. He tried to quell the hope in his little heart and miss the skip in his steps as he crossed to the door.
He was however shocked (and afraid) to see Tsunade-san.
“May I come in Hatake-san?” Kakashi blinked and then cursed himself for forgetting his manners in a moment of weakness. He bowed deeply and invited her in.
She looked around the place and Kakashi tried not to shuffle his feet like a child. She nodded after few minutes of inspection.
“ somehow you are keeping his house more maintained than he ever managed”
He just nodded and gestured to invite her inside to the kotetsu and sitting area. He’ll regain his speech in a few moments.
“I’ll be honest Hatake-san. I am not here with good news.”
Kakashi’s heart thumped wildly in his chest and he felt like crying. Was Jiraiya-san alright? But then why would Tsunade-san say it like that if he was? Was it Kakashi who was cursed to bear witness to dead adults he placed his trust in?
He forced himself to get the words out.
“ Is Jiraiya-san alright Tsunade-san?”
She waved her hand in an unconcerned manner and stated lightly, “ as fas as I know yes. It was a pretty handy mission with all three of us there. However we have already been back for 2 months Hatake-san”
Oh. Kakashi is sure she can’t see any emotion on his covered face but he still concentrates on not letting any of his feelings show. He doesn’t know what she means except that Jiraiya-san is alright and yet not at his home deliberately.
He just nods and out of polite courtesy asks, “ would you like some tea Tsunade-san?”
She looks at him carefully and after a few moments sighs and asks him to join her at the kotetsu. They both settle down in Shizui postures and Tsunade-san begins,
“ I know you were getting along with him quite well Hatake-San and I am sorry that he took this decision. (When kakashi says nothing she continues) He does this quite often really. He’s never been one to stay in the village. He likes the outside world too much for that”
“ I will tell you this very bluntly Hatake-san because Jiraiya has praised your genius and intelligence quite a bit so I hope you’ll understand. Jiraiya picks up talented strays and orphans. I don’t understand and I don’t question why because it’s not my place but he’s trained tens of children till now while we are out. It doesn’t matter which village they belong to, if he sees potential in them he gives them his time and energy. He picked one up on this mission too. He’ll train and give them time and be back in a few months but there is no guarantee that he won’t do the same again.”
She waits for a response, for some emotion from the child sitting stiffly in front of her but unable to get anything she continues, perhaps a little more harshly seeing the kid so unaffected,
“ You were just a phase like many others before you and like there will be after. Please don’t keep him bound to you here. It hurts him to leave you but it also hurts him to not to go out of the village and explore and do what he’s always desired. Additionally you know your reputation also hurts his standing in the village. He’s a free spirit and I hope you know it’ll be wrong of you to keep him bound. You’ll just hurt him that way.”
He was hurting Jiraiya-san?
Jiraiya-san said nothing but his absence now speaks for itself. Kakashi’s heart thumps wildly in his chest, it’s the same feeling he got when he found tou-chan dead.
Kakashi hadn’t been enough after all. Jiraiya-san had taken another child in to train, to care for because Kakashi is just not enough. Too troublesome, too much of a burden. He hurts everyone he loves really. Tou-chan left because he was being hurt too.
It’s a sobering realisation. Kakashi had thought he was starting to matter but apparently he is still nothing but a soldier or a project to take on so that he can be useful to his village.
“ I understand Tsunade-san. Thank you for letting me know.”
Tsunade looked at the child in front of her and his downed head of silver messy spikes. She felt the ever present anger bristle inside of her but she also felt soft and sad for this little child who Jiraiya abandoned after making promises he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep. It’s the first time she talks softly to the child,
“ Will you be alright Kakashi-san?”
The child looked up at her at the use of his first name but didn’t comment on it. He just nodded slowly, lying about himself came easier every time.
“ yes Tsunade-san.”
“Congratulations about your graduation by the way. Jiraiya had wanted to be here but we were still in the middle of the mission”
“ I am glad to know he thought of me”
Tsunade cringed. Well apparently the child is filled with sass. But she still had one last duty to perform towards the child, she took out a small wrapped box from her side pocket and handed it over to the child.
“ from Jiraiya, for your graduation.”
The child stayed silent and gazing for so long at the package that Tsunade thought he was either going to cry or just turn unconsciousness from the stress. She isn’t sure she has the ability to deal with any of those even being the best medic out there.
He eventually just looked up without touching the package and gave her that eye smile that Jiraiya gushed about,
“ Thank you Tsunade-san. I am sorry for your trouble.”
She blinked and gazed at the child in confusion. Jiraiya always complained that the child was a brat and a sassy cranky broody adorable little puppy. What she was seeing here however was a well mannered, polite child with issues a mile wide, too somber for his age.
It wasn’t her place though. Neither did she want to deal with children at all. So she just nodded and got up. Kakashi followed her smoothly.
She asked, much more softly than anything she had said until now, “ will you be leaving here?”
“I don’t think I am bound to say Tsunade-san”
She huffed and smiled. There it was. She just nodded in understanding and left. A heaviness in her heart thinking of the child all alone for the second time. A promise an adult made to him broken yet again. Another adult betraying his trust.
She sighs and decides to keep an eye on the brat but otherwise leaves him alone. She has anger within her that can prove harmful to the young child if she decides to take him on and she wouldn’t do that.
The package contains a small coin purse in the shape of a dog, suspiciously looking like pakkun. It makes tears come in Kakashi’s eyes unbidden and he sits there not letting a word pass from his lips, his eyes leaking silently.
There is a small note too.
Hey, pup.
I know I promised I’ll come back soon and I will. Just not soon may be.
There are other kids kakashi. Alone and suffering but so so talented. I want to help them all. You have Minato with you, Kushina too. A friend like Gai-kun.
These kids are all alone Kakashi. It’s my mission pup. It’s my ninja-way. I hope you understand my decision pup. I’ll come back soon.
Take care Pup.
Don’t forget to take your meals.
Kakashi moves out of Jiraiya’s house after another mission he takes, much to Minato sensei’s protests. He doesn’t like Kakashi going on infiltration missions, but they pay really well and Kakashi has an apartment to rent now.
He has some money saved from his time with Jiraiya-san and also his inheritance from his father (although he doesn’t really want to touch it). There’s also the clan house which is essentially his even though he is unable to even look at it without having panic-attacks.
So he moves out after he has enough money to cover rent(which turns out much more than he expected it to be but he manages) and other bills for a month. He insists on taking more missions as well, practically threatening Minato sensei that he could just go alone instead of with him. It pays off well even though Minato sensei frowns and pouts like a child. The missions benefit both of them really. It’s a win win.
Another benefit of going on harder missions is that Kakashi is able to fall asleep at night from sheer exhaustion without having to pay attention to the pull of hunger from his stomach. It’s not something he does deliberately, its just that soldier pills are much easier intake and less costly. Even after all the missions he’s been doing, he’s going to be behind on rent as it is. How does Minato sensei manages?
He doesn’t like to eat in darkness all alone in his dingy apartment anyways. It’s better to save that money.
After he’s completed 10 missions he’s more than eligible to apply for Chunin exams and he does so. A Chunin gets higher pay and is much more of a valuable citizen than a mere genin.
Minato sensei bristles and pouts and at one point even shouts at Kakashi but kakashi has got better reasons for him than his only “ you are too young” and so he succeeds in his venture. Minato sensei is almost desperate to make him train after that so all goes in his favour really.
The chunin exams are almost too easy for Kakashi but not so much when people more than twice his age possessing as much more chakra and brute strength than him come at him with killing intent. It’s eye opening to Kakashi who had thought that he was quite apathetic himself.
He spends 3 days after the exams in hospital but is released with the good news that he’s been promoted. He’s forced by Minato sensei and Kushina san to celebrate with food and friends and games.
It’s a surprisingly enjoyable night and it’s the first time in a long while that Kakashi sleeps with a full stomach and a sweet smile on his face. He thinks he feels a shadow of lips on his forehead and a familiar pressure in his hair but he must have been dreaming.
Next day Jiraiya-san is back in the village.
Kakashi knows because when he goes back to his apartment after the training session he insisted on, Jiraiya san is inside looking in his tiny kitchen.
It’s not that much of a big deal really. Kakashi knew a confrontation is necessary even if just to inform Jiraiya-San about his current status as a Chunin (which actually makes him a legal adult) and to discuss his living situation.
Kakashi doesn’t think he wants to make it awkward. He feels betrayed, yes. His days are sometimes so lonely that he misses the touch on his head dearly. He misses those walks from the academy and he misses having 3 meals a day because Jiraiya-san wouldn’t leave it alone. He misses the care, the affection and the authority of having an older person care for you. He misses feeling relaxed as he walked the streets because Jiraiya-san’s status meant people didn’t want to cross him much.
He misses not having to worry about every meal, every walk through the village, every visit to a store. Being treated fairly has become a novelty. He hasn’t told Minato sensei, he never will.
But these are just wants and Kakashi is a shinobi who knows how to get through. Minato sensei is enough of an affectionate guy that Kakashi really doesn’t miss having someone much. He gets by with the stares and the whispers like he used to before and food isn’t really that much of a big deal. Bills can be managed if kakashi cuts off on other expenses ( see: food) and takes up more missions while Minato sensei is away.
So Kakashi really doesn’t have anything to complain about against the kid who apparently deserved Jiraiya-san’s affections more than him. Kakashi is sure they weren’t so bothersome or a brat like Kakashi is. They must be something else if they were able to hold Jiraiya-san’s attention for so long. He had stayed 3 months for kakashi. For that kid he stayed for 6. Not that kakashi counted.
He should be worried about the state his kitchen must be in, mouldy and empty beyond tea packets but Jiraiya-san no longer has the right. So he greets his formal guardian with a deep bow.
“ welcome back to village Jiraiya-san”
Jiraiya-San turns around and he looks same as ever, his chakra signature feels same as ever and Kakashi is disappointed because it would have been easy if he had changed even just a bit.
“ Heard you became Chunin, congratulations pup.”
Kakashi just nodded still standing at the door of his own apartment. It seemed something silly but Kakashi didn’t want to get closer.
“ you can come in. It’s your apartment after all” the statement was neutral but Kakashi detected a sliver of disappointment in the statement. What was Jiraiya-San disappointed in? Did he expect Kakashi to be living in a better apartment despite the scorn and bias the villagers showed towards him making him pay double for everything. Or did he expect Kakashi to stay in his home?
He simply took off his sandals and leaving them by the door took just a few steps forward. His one room apartment was small. It had a small bed pushed by one wall, a kitchen a little further inside, an attached bathroom and just enough space for a small cabinet. Kakashi had only 2 uniforms so he didn’t really need the space. He used it for storing his books, scrolls and weapons.
“ I made some tea. Come on and sit down”
Kakashi looked at him and nodded his head slowly. He didn’t want to remove his mask in front of Jiraiya-san but he didn’t want to disrespect him either. He went ahead and folded himself gracefully beside the small rundown table in the middle of the apartment which provided Kakashi with quite a lot of post nightmare muscle coordination training.
“ you know you are too young to drink tea, right.” Jiraiya-san said sitting in front of kakashi in a crossed leg position. It was his preferred position.
“ I am too young for a lot of things Jiraiya-San. Yes” Kakashi didn’t look in the older man’s eyes, focusing instead on pouring hot water in his tea.
“ you could at least look at me, Kakashi” Jiraiya-san prompted, his voice sad and filled with grief.
It took Kakashi a few minutes to do that. He didn’t want to look at him because Kakashi knew he was unable to control strong expressions from his eyes, it was a big weakness on his part and Kakashi has been working on it but. He didn’t want Jiraiya-San to see the betrayal, the hurt, the grief in his eyes.
It was pointless anyways.
“Kakashi…” Jiraiya as expected was able to see all those. Somewhere in his heart Kakashi felt relief.
Jiraiya swallowed and looked at the boy in front of him carefully. Kakashi was small for his age(and painfully thin) but he had certainly grown from the last time Jiraiya saw him. A chunin! Last time he had been years ahead of his peers and not even a genin. Did Jiraiya have a hand in this?
He felt angry that he wasn’t here for the boy, that the boy was living in these conditions and apparently his eating habits were even more abysmal from the state of his kitchen. But he didn’t feel regret. He didn’t feel like he needed to apologise for something.
He felt stable like he hadn’t when he had been stuck in the village for months last time. He felt relieved and satisfied that somewhere in a country in a war torn village there was a boy who was able to hold his own because Jiraiya had been able to help.
“I feel sad that I wasn’t here for so many of your accomplishments Kakashi but if I am honest with you I don’t feel sorry.”
Kakashi just nodded. Jiraiya wanted the boy to understand him.
“ I know I told you I won’t ever leave you and that wasn’t an empty promise. You are my pack kakashi. I love you and I want to be there for you.”
Kakashi tilted his head in that confused manner of his and a smile graced Jiraiya’s lips. He so badly wanted to ruffle the boy’s hair.
“But I am also a wanderer. A traveller. It suffocates me to stay at a place for too long. It’s…it’s not about you being enough Kakashi, it’s about the village not being enough for me.”
“ I understand Jiraiya-san” The boy told him solemnly but Jiraiya doubted he did. He wasn’t looking in his eyes yet again.
“ do you really?”
“ I understand that you can’t stay in the village and that I was just binding you here and hurting you in the process. I am sorry about that. I had no right to ask that of you.”
Jiraiya groaned. Who the hell had told the boy that? Jiraiya thought hurting was too strong a word. The boy could never hurt him anyways. Jiraiya would have stayed in the village for the little boy if he didn’t think Sarutobi sensei would actually misuse his powers to send jiraiya on missions. This time leading to war was too sensitive to give into what ifs.
“ don’t…don’t think like that Kakashi. You could never hurt. You were never hurting me.” He said desperately.
The boy didn’t say anything and Jiraiya knew it would take time to remove that thought from the boy’s head so he decided to leave the issue for now. He instead asked something that’s been on his mind for months now.
“ would you like to travel with me kakashi?”
The boy jerked and looked up at him. His eyes showing his confusion and shock.
“It’ll be dangerous yes but I don’t think that is going to dissuade you. Chunin..hunh..amazing.”
The boy blushed to the tips of his ears and Jiraiya smiled warmly. He hoped Minato gave the boy positive reinforcement. He glowed up like a light from those.
“ I..I’ll just be in the way Jiraiya-San.” Kakashi looked down and Jiraiya frowned. He was not lying per se but he was also not telling the entire truth. Jiraiya prompted more…
“You can never be in the way kakashi. Additionally you won’t have to face the villagers either Kakashi…I think it’ll be good for you.” He eyed the boy carefully. He can guess why he was living in this dump. He’s already prepared to have a stern conversation with his sensei.
Kakashi looked up at him with regret, determination and an unusual acceptance in his eyes. It made Jiraiya feel afraid.
“ I…I can’t leave the village Jiraiya-San. I alone carry the burden of my father’s mistakes and I won’t back away from having to suffer the consequences. I am not a coward and a punishment deserved should be taken as such.” The boy replied with fierce determination and…longing in his voice.
“ you don’t deserve any punishment! Neither did Sakumo” Jiraiya growled fiercely. How can kakashi think like that?
“ you may not think so but many do Jiraiya-san. It’s fine honestly.” the boy replied softly with a shrug , his head turned down in difference to a superior pack mate’s anger in vicinity. It calmed Jiraiya down interestingly.
“ you are too stubborn and yet too easy to manipulate pup” Jiraiya told the little boy sadly. Kakashi just shrugged yet again.
They both stayed silent for a while, both processing their thoughts and deciding what will be the course of action from there for them.
“ so there’s no way you are going to agree to travel with me?” Jiraiya asked hoping asking again and again would change the boy’s mind.
“ No jiraiya-san. I want to dedicate my life for the village, protecting and serving it”
Jiraiya closed his eyes tightly. He didn’t like where this boy was headed. He’ll have to have a talk with Minato. This type of thinking only led to tragic stories.
“ will you allow me to treat you to a meal pup? Come home with me?” It felt like he had lost a battle of a lifetime. Jiraiya felt exhausted and drained of everything.
“Well, only if you allow me to pay…”
“ you have just become a chunin little pup, you have a few years of scrounging from me better use them to your advantage rather than wasting your energy on behaving like an adult with me.”
The pup pouted underneath his mask and for the first time Jiraiya felt like loosing something was not so bad after all.
“ that’s not fair at all! I am an adult officially” Kakashi whined like the brat he was. Jiraiya felt a twinge inside his heart. The pup is technically right but Jiraiya didn’t want to accept it. He had thought he could delay this inevitable promotion for a few more years but he had been too late. Yet again.
“ you are still one fourth my height”
“I am well within normal ranges for my age.” Kakashi said self righteously and Jiraiya’s Heart eased a bit. A pouting pup whining and ruffling his collar so to say was still a child. It felt right.
“Ahan..that may be for now but I see the state of your kitchen. If you don’t eat you’ll remain a runt”
“What.!>!>” the kid squeaked and Jiraiya couldn’t hold back a laugh.
“ lets go. You are going to eat (seeing kakashi gearing up for an argument) and don’t even think about lying to me pup!”
“Alright. Alright. You can pay for it all then. Pervy old man”
Jiraiya reached out his hand to strike the back of the cheeky pup’s head but Kakashi’s gotten faster. He was out the door before Jiraiya was even up. Hunh.
As they made their way to Jiraiya’s house, he knew they still had lots of unresolved issues. Kakashi was on a dangerous path that Jiraiya didn’t like and he was still too young to be a chunin, essentially a frontline ninja in desperate times of war. But Jiraiya was also bound by duty and his own vices. He wouldn’t always be here for the kid. His destiny was to help a child that would save the world and Jiraiya hoped it could have been Kakashi but he knew in his heart that was not it.
But this child was his now in more ways than just a child prodigy he had found to take under his wing. In fact Jiraiya decided he won’t try to affect the child’s studies at all. Minato was more than a capable teacher.
He looked at Kakashi walking beside him, straight backed and front faced, not a emotion on his face. He took the risk of moving his hand to ruffle the pup’s wild hair. Kakashi looked up at him with something strange in his eyes and after a minute moved closer and faced forward yet again. This time with a red blush staining his ears.
It brought a smile on Jiraiya face and he kept a hand in the boy’s silver hair, ruffling and scratching the boy’s head softly.
Jiraiya would instead make himself responsible for being someone that the child could approach with his self doubts and problems. With his worries and little whines. For affection and company.
He would teach the child to be a human with needs and vices and not just a shinobi for hire.
He’ll start by offering free ruffles. And food. Whenever he got the chance, however many times he could get away with it.