Chapter Text
Yoongi and Jungkook had been out buying grilled sandwiches for them all for lunch. A late lunch. Easy, cheap, quick and very tasty. Especially the melted cheese, the juicy chicken and the hot tomato.
Everyone was trying to feel a little better but no one spoke a word while eating their food. The dance studio, where they decided to stay, was calm and quiet.
Jimin didn’t take more than two bites, but no one seemed to notice. If they noticed, they didn’t comment on it. Not today.
Taehyung didn’t eat much either. Jin tried to help him but the boy ended up with his head in Jimin’s bag. He was hiding from everything that caused it to buzz too much in his head; which at the moment was everything in this room.
Jin sighed but didn’t try to force him to come out; he was in too much pain to fight. No one else had the energy to fight either.
“What should we do now?” Yoongi asked when they’d finished their meal. He was sounding annoyed. “It’s a waste of time staying here.”
“We can start preparing for next week”, Hobi suggested and tried a smile, but it was too hard to keep it up. “I mean, there are always things to do, right?”
He wasn’t wrong, they had full schedule starting from Wednesday, especially Jungkook who was going back to school. Taehyung was also going to be busy, now with his meeting with the doctors in two days. There was never a moment in their lives when they didn’t have nothing to do.
“Normally Jimin and Jin-Hyung would have their vocal lessons soon”, Namjoon said and looked at the time. It was ten minutes before two o’clock.
“It’s moved to next week”, Jimin answered. “They thought we were going to be busy with the shoot today.”
“Understandably so”, Namjoon murmured and took a sip of his water bottle.
“Besides, I’m not sure we’re allowed to leave”, Hobi pointed out with a worried expression in his face. “Manager-Nim said we should practice.”
“We know all our damn choreographies just fine”, Yoongi muttered and stood up from the floor. So very unsated.
“We have to stay here”, Namjoon said. “At least until dinner, so we show Hyungnim that we’re trying.”
Yoongi didn’t look happy about it but he kept his mouth shut. It sure looked like he had a lot to say. Namjoon could tell, but he didn’t try to challenge his Hyung by making him talk. It was a battle he would lose, and even if he would’ve had a chance, he wasn’t in any mood to argue anyway.
Namjoon sighed and peeked at Taehyung who was now lying with his head on Jimin’s bag, while staring up at the ceiling. His eyes were so very focused on seemingly nothing. Just staring. The boy had done that many times before but it was first time Namjoon saw it with these new eyes of his. What did his dongsaeng see up there? What kind of things did his brain make up?
“Where are you going?” he suddenly heard Hobi say and he turned back to the others to see what was going on. Yoongi was walking up to the door, ready to leave it seemed.
“I need to get some air”, he said, still so very grumpy.
“You can’t leave the area”, Namjoon said, now looking as worried as the others. They didn’t need more people getting in trouble!!
“I won’t, don’t worry”, Yoongi snorted and then left. The others didn’t move. None of them had any strength left for that, at least not at the moment.
The day passed slowly but although they didn’t have a proper schedule set for today, they still found things to do to fill the many hours. They let Jin sleep some while the others tried to focus on some yoga. After that, Hobi helped Namjoon and Jungkook with the choreography for “Converse High” or rather “Lovers High” because of censorship.
It was one of their new songs from their soon-to-be-released mini album. They were going to performing it on Count Down, in about two weeks. So while they were focusing on that, Yoongi was working on his laptop… and Jimin? He tried to make Taehyung focus on what was here and now by doing some easier exercises and talking about things he knew would make his best friend stay in the present.
“Stay with us, TaeTae!”
They all went through some other choreographies too, except Jin and Taehyung, who watched them instead in the corner of the room. Taehyung wanted to join but every time he stood up, a strong stressful feeling difficult to describe took over his entire body. His body started burning and it felt as if nothing was right. As if every choice he would take could lead to a catastrophe. And instead of dancing as he should, he started to panic and cry.
It was very triggering for Jungkook to see. Every time his youngest Hyung was getting upset, he immediately felt how his own heart started to pick up speed and how his own body started panicking a bit as well. But he had to remember to be strong. He couldn’t lose it too.
The evening was soon here, finally!
Jin went to bed directly after he’d taken a shower.
“But what about dinner? You have to eat something!” Hobi asked but Jin wasn’t interested. They could eat without him.
Jungkook was the second to take a shower, while Jimin and Taehyung went into their bedroom. It was in there Taehyung started to feel better again, all safe and calm. His brain was not as foggy anymore. In safety of his room, he could be himself.
He was watching his best friend; he wasn’t angry with Jimin anymore for breaking his promise, but he was still hurt. Very much so. Telling Jimin about his secret had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done, and it had taken him a lot of courage. Taehyung had really trusted his friend to not tell anyone, and still Jimin had went to Jungkook.
Taehyung felt the vibration in the corner of his mouth. Tears were coming. It really did pain his heart thinking about this, and it pained him even more when he realized that he wasn’t sure if he ever would be able to trust Jimin with his secrets again.
Jimin smiled a little. “Are you back now?” he asked. His hope rose inside of him and he smiled even wider when Taehyung nodded. “I’m happy for you!”
Taehyung nodded again, but he didn’t say anything. He wished Jimin had kept his promise…
Keeping ones promises. That was what Namjoon swore to do. His promise to Hoseok was not going to be empty words. Ever. He had always been a man of his words and that wasn’t going to change. He wasn’t going to disappoint himself and he wasn’t going to disappoint the others either. Not this time, not again. Never again.
He was going to make everything right - the right way this time! He wasn’t going to become their manager; he was going to become better than that! Much, much better!
The first thing he needed to do was to talk with Taehyung and Jimin. Calmly. He just hoped they wanted to talk to him too, and especially did he hope that Taehyung was able to talk to him. Namjoon was ready to listen this time and he was going to learn to understand his dongsaengs better. Both of them.
“You’re not welcome in this room!” Jimin said at the same second Namjoon entered the Maknaes’ bedroom. He and Taehyung had just gotten cosy in Jungkook’s bed and were ready to start a series to watch.
“Jimin-ah, I know I’m not your leader anymore, but…”
“I don’t want you in here!” Jimin interrupted him and jumped out of the bed. “Leave!”
Namjoon looked down to the floor and licked his lower lip while trying not to lose his temper. He was getting immensely tired of his dongsaeng. He kept reminding himself that he was going to do it right this time, which meant he was going to stay firm but not lose his temper.
“Jimin-ah”, he said and looked up to meet Jimin’s dark eyes. “I know you’re angry with me, and that’s okay”, he spoke sternly, but he made sure not to raise his voice. He needed to make sure Jimin was not going to walk all over him now when he wasn’t the leader anymore. “But you can’t…”
“I can do whatever I want!”
It was clear that Jimin had lost all respect for Namjoon, and Namjoon clenched his fists but remained seemingly calmed when he continued speaking:
“Don’t interrupt me, okay?”
Jimin huffed but didn’t say anything.
“Listen”, Namjoon said with a sigh; he didn’t want to do this, but he felt he had no choice. “You still have to show me respect. If not, you can fetch the stick and go wait for me in the kitchen.”
Jimin’s eyes grew and it took all his willpower not to back off. His ass was still stinging badly and he didn’t want it to get worse, and he didn’t want to risk his calves to sting as bad. It was enough to be in pain in one place at a time.
“So you’ll beat me too?”
“No”, Namjoon said with a head shake. His voice was still very calm. “I want to talk to you, but if you refuse to show me respect, I’m afraid I will have to punish you, you must understand that… but no, I won’t beat you. I won’t lose my temper… never again, you hear me?”
“Why can’t you understand that we don’t want you here right now?!” Jimin asked without acknowledge that he’d even heard what the rapper had said. He was talking calmer though, while tears were welling up in his eyes. “We really want to be left alone, why don’t you want to understand?”
Understand? Namjoon thought and relaxed a bit. His clenched fists slowly opened up too.
“I want to understand”, he said with a thickening voice. “But I really need to talk to both you and Taehyung to be able to understand you both. I want you to tell me how you feel, and I would be happy if you could be truthful with me. It’s also important that you listen to what I have to say, because I believe that it will clear some things, okay?”
Jimin looked like he was on the alert and he didn’t move for a while. He was thinking hard. This reminded him of not too long ago, when Namjoon had told him that they had to work on their communication skills. The conversation between them that evening started to play in Jimin’s head. So very clear, as if he was watching a movie:
“Next time you feel confused and angry by my actions, please talk to me and I will explain why I did what I did”, his Hyung had said and Jimin remembered the question he’d asked. And he had to ask the same question again, just to be sure of the answer:
“And you will listen to me too?”
Namjoon blinked in surprise but then nodded. “Yes”, he said. “Of course I will.”
That sounded awfully familiar in Jimin’s ears but he nodded anyway.
“Okay”, he murmured. “Let’s talk then.”
Namjoon smiled a little and grabbed the desk chair. He moved it to Jungkook’s bed, while Jimin took a seat next to Taehyung.
The rapper took a deep breath before turning his attention to the youngest in the room.
“Taehyung-ah”, he said and saw how the boy’s gaze got sharper while his eyebrows furrowed. He didn’t answer anything though. Namjoon didn’t need him to and instead continued speaking: “I failed you and I’m sorry; I wasn’t as attentive as a leader should be. I want you to know that I don’t blame you for anything and I’m not angry with you for lying to me. I want you to know that I understand why you did it and that I don’t think any less of you. I know our relationship is badly wounded but I hope that I can prove to you that I will do my very best to never make the same mistakes I’ve recently made. It wasn’t right of me to ignore all the signs, and it wasn’t right of me to lose my temper with you. It doesn't matter if you hadn’t been sick, I shouldn’t have punished you out of anger. That’s never okay.”
Taehyung hung his head and was now staring at his own hands. He didn’t like the word ‘sick’ but he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t say anything at all. Namjoon wasn’t too surprised. The only word he’d heard Taehyung say today was ‘no’.
“I understand that you were scared; I would be too…”, especially seeing how I was acting more as our manager than as the leader I would want to be, he’d wanted to say but the words got stuck on his tongue. “I care about you, Taehyungie, I care about you a lot and I’ve been so scared for you”, he continued saying. “We all have, but we’re happy that you dared to confess all of this, because that will help us to be able to help you.”
The rapper didn’t miss how Taehyung cringed at the last thing he’d said.
“You don’t want to be helped?” He asked but his dongsaeng didn’t say anything. “Your secret is safe with us; we won’t tell anyone from the company about this. We won’t let them know. I promise.”
Taehyung’s body stiffened when he heard that word. Jimin had promised too. A promise is not an insurance, it’s not a guarantee. A promise is so easily broken. He wanted to but he couldn’t believe in promises anymore.
“And I promise to never punish you for being sick again, okay? So you don’t need to worry about it.”
“If he can’t answer you, will you slap him?” Jimin asked.
“No.”
“If he can’t concentrate, will you slap him?”
“No”, Namjoon said again and looked back at the younger. “Taehyung-ah, listen, I know I’ve been very hard on you but I won’t slap you like that again. I did it because I thought you were fooling around on purpose, but I won’t do it again. I promise. I understand that you can’t control everything you do, but we’ll work on that.”
“And if he can’t obey you?” Jimin asked and Namjoon forced down a sigh of irritation.
“Jimin-ah”, he said, a bit harsher than before, a bit more impatient. “Why are you asking me these questions? I’ve already told you both, I won’t punish him for being sick.”
“How will you know if he’s sick or not when he disobeys you?” Jimin was really challenging his former leader, wasn’t he? Namjoon opened his mouth to answer but closed it again. This time he let out a sigh.
“Taehyung-ah”, he then said and turned back to the younger. “If something happens, and you do something wrong, I will ask you the reason why it happened, and you will not lie to me, because I will know if you do and you won’t like the consequences, do you understand?”
Taehyung nodded. Very slowly.
“What if he’s a good liar?” Jimin asked and Namjoon prayed for strength.
“Jimin-ah, stop it!” he said. “As long as Taehyung hasn’t lost all his respect towards his Hyungs, he won’t lie.”
Jimin opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the rapper before he even had time to form the first word on his tongue.
“Yah! You heard me! Stop it! No more!”
Jimin looked a bit disappointed but decided to not say anything more about it. He did want to though, really badly.
“Anyway”, Namjoon continued speaking. “I know you’re angry with me, and it’s okay, but I want you to know that I never meant to hurt any of you. I just wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to keep us all safe. It’s not an excuse but it’s an explanation.”
“You never listen to us”, Jimin said bitterly.
“I will listen now, so if there is something you would like to say to me, I’m here”, the older said and waited patiently but neither of his dongsaengs spoke. “I will hear you out this time, I promise.”
“You hurt Taehyung.”
“I know, you’ve told me many times before.”
“I will keep repeating myself”, Jimin said and crossed his arms. “I will say it as many times as I want to.”
“That’s okay.”
Jimin was not prepared to hear that answer. “It is?” he asked and raised an eyebrow in confusion.
“Yes.”
Jimin narrowed his eyes this time. “I’m really angry with you!”
“That’s okay too.”
“I’m not”, it was Taehyung who spoke up to both Jimin’s and Namjoon’s utter surprise. All three were quiet for a few seconds, just staring at each other.
“What?” Jimin suddenly said with a weak and dazed voice. He didn’t understand anything at all. “You’re not angry with him?”
“No.”
“You sure?”
Taehyung didn’t answer that.
“It’s okay to be angry with me”, Namjoon said. His voice was sounding calm again, and he gave the younger a sad smile. Taehyung immediately started to shake his head.
They all fell silent once more, no one was looking at anyone this time. Jimin was the one to break the silence again.
“I wish I understood.”
Taehyung stopped shaking his head and it looked like he braced himself. He didn’t say anything though.
“Sometimes it’s difficult to express ourselves”, Namjoon admitted. “I know I need to work on that.”
Taehyung open his mouth and one second, two seconds, three seconds passed, but then he said:
“I… I just want my Hyung back…”
Tears welled up in his eyes and he let them fall down his cheeks.
Namjoon pressed his lips together and felt how his own tears wanted to fall. He didn’t let them.
Jimin was watching Taehyung in fascination. He tried to understand but he couldn’t. Why wasn’t Taehyung angry? He’d been hurt a lot.
His eyes wandered over to his Hyung who looked very exhausted and sad. So very miserable. So filled with pain. Jimin tilted his head and he suddenly saw everything from another perspective than he’d had before. He hadn’t cared about what Namjoon had told Taehyung but the words the rapper had said had actually sounded genuine. It really had sounded like he was remorseful. It really did look like he was remorseful. He looked a bit scared too. Why? Jimin didn’t really understand either Taehyung or Namjoon right now. What was it he couldn’t see? Jimin wasn’t sure but suddenly he felt how the frustration disappeared and was exchanged with an emotion very sorrowful. It only got stronger when he saw how Taehyung stood up from the bed and went over to Namjoon. When he was close enough, he opened his arms and hugged his Hyung tightly.
It confused Jimin.
Namjoon was confused as well and this time the rapper couldn’t stop the tears from falling. The strong emotions took over like a storm inside of him and he started sobbing. His heart was too painful.
Taehyung let his grip around his Hyung loosen and he looked down at him.
“Hyungie”, he almost whimpered out the word. “Don’t give up on me.”
The rapper tried to dry his eyes and collect himself so he could answer, but it was harder than he thought to calm down.
“No”, he said hoarsely and hugged the boy back. “I wo…”, he had to take a deep breath or his words would drown in his tears. “I would never give up on you, Taehyungie, never. We’ll fix this. Together. If you want me to help. Otherwise Jin-Hyung or Yoongi-Hyung will want to help you. They’ve made an appointment for you to meet a doctor. A good one.”
Taehyung pushed away from the hug and started shaking his head again.
“Don’t you want help?”
Taehyung kept shaking his head and Namjoon looked down to his lap, nodding a little while giving himself a second try to dry his eyes. It was easier this time, everything felt a bit easier actually. His breathing was lighter as well, and so was his heartbeat.
“It would be good for you to get the right help”, he heard Jimin say but Taehyung wasn’t answering anything.
“It’s alright for now”, the rapper said and stood up from the chair, he looked at them both with the same sad smile. “We’ll talk about this tomorrow in the morning, okay?”
Taehyung stopped shaking his head and Jimin frowned while staring at the rapper. Hyung wasn’t like himself at all.
Namjoon noticed their confusion, a bit of suspicion could be seen in Jimin’s eyes.
“We’re a team, from now on, and no one will kick out anyone, trust me.”
Taehyung wasn’t sure how good he could trust anyone, but he didn’t say anything.
“Is there something else you would like to talk to me about?” Namjoon asked but his dongsaeng didn’t move a muscle. “Okay, then I’ll leave you so you can watch your movie.”
They still didn’t make a move. Namjoon didn’t know what to either say or do. He started feeling a bit heavier in his chest again.
“Remember that you don’t need to forgive me”, he said. “Let me earn your forgiveness.”
“Hyung?” Jimin said.
“Yeah?”
“I’ll do my best if you do your best”, Jimin reached out his hand as to offer to shake his. At first Namjoon looked surprised but then he nodded and grabbed his dongsaeng’s hand. Shaking it firmly.
“That’s a deal”, he said and for the first time in month, he could see Jimin smile at him. He’d missed it and he promised himself yet again to never disappoint anyone of his team members. Ever.