Chapter Text
”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
Namjoon woke up with a start when he heard someone scream from the other room. It was Taehyung again. He was sounding like he was having another temper tantrum. He probably had fifteen of them yesterday, and the constant shouting and crying were draining them all.
Taehyung was very sick and it was like all the emotions he’d been keeping inside for so long, now were exploding out of him at once. They tried to calm him down, they tried to help him but nothing seemed to satisfy the boy. Hugs and cuddles didn’t help anymore either. If they came too close when he was in his panic mode, he would try to kick and hit them. It was obvious their dongsaeng didn’t want to be comforted but it seemed like he didn’t know what he wanted. When they asked him what they could do to make him feel a bit better, he would just shout ‘no’ in their faces.
Taehyung needed time and space, which they were unable to give him. He needed to get better, and he needed to get better quickly before anyone from the company started suspecting something. It would be impossible to hide it if he were to continue acting like this.
It was clear that the boy was getting out of hand, but Namjoon kept forcing himself not to butt in. He wasn’t the leader anymore, Jin was. The thought of that made the rapper cringe. Of course Taehyung was unmanageable when Jin let him do whatever he pleases.
Yoongi should’ve been their leader instead; he was stern enough for the boy to listen. Namjoon didn’t at all understand why he hadn’t wanted to.
“NO NO NO NO NO!”
Taehyung’s voice was loud and angry. It wasn’t too surprising; today was the day of the doctor’s appointment. Namjoon had no idea how that would work out without no one noticing, but he’d left all the thinking and worrying for Jin and Yoongi.
The rapper pushed himself out of bed. It was almost six thirty in the morning, and they had to be at BigHit at eight. It was better he started to get prepared for this new day.
Yesterday had been like walking in a fog; he’d been trying to give his team members some space. He’d tried to lay low because he knew they all were disappointed in him. He had also felt so very guilty every time he’d seen the bruise on Taehyung’s cheek, it was slowly fading but it kept reminding him of the day before yesterday – the day when his manager had told him he’d done a good job for slapping his dongsaeng. He felt sick thinking about it; that losing control and bruising his dongsaengs would be the thing that would make their manager proud of him. Not his rapping, not his lyrics, not his speeches on stage, not his dance skills or leadership in general – but his way of losing control and hurting Taehyung.
Namjoon had been thinking a lot since then. He was especially in deep thought yesterday, while he was walking in that fog and trying to lay low. Trying to ignore the screaming and crying from Taehyung. It was too painful to listen to.
He would never want to hurt his dongsaengs ever again. He didn’t care what his manager said, something he thought he would never say, but he couldn’t become the leader his manager wanted him to be. It was true that he still believed in the efficacy of corporal punishment. But Namjoon had opened his eyes and he could clearly see that what he did to Taehyung during their shoot three days ago was nothing but abuse. If abuse was what his manager wanted him to practice, then he had to sign out. He was not going to continue doing that, not even for the approval of his Hyungnim.
Namjoon had been blind for too long, but his eyes were wide open now, and he saw everything in new light. He’d promised Hobi not to disappoint himself again, and he’d promised himself to never disappoint anyone else either.
Jimin had seemed to trust in the fact that he was sorry and that he was going to do his best to be better. But Namjoon could also tell that his dongsaeng hadn’t fully forgiven him yet. Yesterday had been a bit better though, Jimin had actually been less snappy, but their relationship was far from undamaged.
And Taehyung? Namjoon was still confused about that boy. He didn’t seem to hold any grudges towards Namjoon, not at all. The rapper didn’t know why Taehyung didn’t feel angry or hurt. It bothered him a bit that he didn’t know how to understand his dongsaeng better. If he ever was to become their leader again, which Namjoon wished to be, he needed to learn to understand them all.
He wasn’t going to lead anyone until he’d learned to do better and to become better. This time he wanted to fix this in the correct way.
“NO!” Taehyung shouted where he was standing with his back to the corner of his room. Jin was standing not too far away, just under the naked light bulb, with a pair of his dongsaeng’s jeans in his hands.
“Tae…”
“NO!” Taehyung interrupted him with another shout.
“I…”
“NO!”
“S…”
“NOOOO!”
Jin opened his mouth again but this time, he didn’t even have time to make the slightest of sounds before:
“NO!”
Jimin and Jungkook were sitting on Jungkook’s bed, just staring at them. They didn’t know what to think about all of this.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“YAH! I DIDN’T EVEN TRY TO SAY ANYTHING THIS TIME!!” Jin shouted back but clenched his jaw when he felt the throbbing pain. Every time he made a sudden movement his body quickly reminded him of the beating he’d received from his manager the other day. He was supposed to have had a full day of rest yesterday, but he’d been too busy with Taehyung. His body felt stiff and sore now, and far from healed enough for a new day at work.
The pain made it difficult to keep his mood up and seeing how Taehyung was so unwilling to cooperate with him wasn’t helping either. Jin was starting to lose his patience, and he was also starting to feel very stressed. Time always rushed too quickly during the morning, and they couldn’t be late to their appointment with the doctor. They were still good with time, no need to hurry, but at this rate, they would need at least a week more. They didn’t have a week. In two days, they were going to start with their new busy schedule, and it would be exceedingly difficult for them to find a new time for at least the two following weeks.
Taehyung slowly squatted down to the floor when he saw how his Hyung was coming closer.
“I don’t want to! I don’t want to! You can’t force me to go!” he spoke loudly and quickly, but he wasn’t screaming anymore. That was at least something, Jin thought.
“Taehyu…”
“I’m not going!” Taehyung interrupted him again. He was still sounding angry. “You can’t force me! If you force me I won’t talk. I won’t! You can’t force me to talk! I will never talk again!”
Jin massaged his forehead, not knowing what to do. It was pointless to take him to the doctor if he wasn’t going to accept help, but they couldn’t let him continue without any help either.
“Please, Tae…”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
The door suddenly opened and Yoongi entered. He was fully dressed in a pair of black jeans and a white t-shirt. He’d even taken a shower; his white blonde hair was still a bit damp.
“Get up from the floor”, he said firmly and grabbed the jeans from Jin. “Put these on”, he then said and threw them at Taehyung. “You have twenty minutes, if you’re not in the hallway by then, I will take that as you don’t want to get better, which is fine, but we can’t have someone in our team who doesn’t want to…”, Yoongi was interrupted by a strong hand gripping his upper arm. It was Jin who was forcing him to follow him out of the bedroom.
Yoongi was a bit confused when he was taken to the living room and pushed down onto the sofa.
“Hyung?”
“Do you really think things will get better by you storming in like that and tell Taehyung that he’s not welcome here, huh?” Jin asked and put his hands on his hips. He was both sounding and looking furious, and the dark look in his eyes made Yoongi feel threatened. He did not like how his Hyung was standing over him like this and the rapper showed it in the only way he knew how – by frowning angrily.
“Well?” Jin barked impatiently.
“He is welcome here”, the rapper muttered.
“Apparently not according to you”, the older disagreed. “As long as he doesn’t get better, right?”
“That’s not what I said”, Yoongi said and stood up from the sofa, but his Hyung pushed him back down.
“You’ll sit down!”
Yoongi felt how it started to heat up inside of him and his body got rigid. What was Jin playing at?
“I never said he wasn’t welcome here if he doesn’t get better”, he said a bit more careful, still confused at the situation. “Right now, I don’t care about success, what I care about is that he tries. Screaming in a corner like a three-year-old, not wanting to go meet this doctor, that’s not trying.”
“I have it under control, Yoongi-yah”, Jin answered, he was sounding calmer now too. “He’s just scared, and his pride is wounded by all of this. Perhaps… we should reschedule, he just needs some more time.”
“More time?” Yoongi couldn’t believe what his Hyung was saying. “We don’t have more time, and you know that! He has been causing trouble for us for too long; now when we finally know why, we can fix it, and you tell me you’re going to let him continue like this? Do you want him to suffer? Because I know for a fact that he is and I’m not going to sit around and let him continue to suffer just because you don’t want to hurt his feelings. He needs help, Hyung, and we need him to get that help because we can’t continue like this.”
Jin was hearing what his dongsaeng was saying, and he must admit that he agreed. They couldn’t wait, he’d always known that, of course he had, it had just been wishful thinking.
“I… I know…”, he said and took a seat next to the rapper. “But you know, there are better ways to say these things, you are way too blunt.”
“So what’s your suggestion, Hyung?” Yoongi asked, very curious to hear the answer. “What shall we do?”
“I…”, Jin tried to think but his brain was blank. He had no idea what to do…
Jimin stood up from the bed immediately after Jin had dragged Yoongi out of the room. It was a strange thing to witness, but a lot of strange things had happened lately, so he guessed he was getting used to it.
“Taehyungie”, he said and hurried to his best friend where he was huddled up in the corner on the floor. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t want to go to that stupid doctor.”
“Why not?” Jimin asked, although he already understood why. Too many people had been looked down upon for seeking help for him not to understand. He remembered when his aunt was depressed, she refused to get help too. They told her she was going to be labelled as crazy if she went. It was unfortunate that it had to be like that. So Taehyung’s answer didn’t surprise him, but it didn’t made him less sad:
“I’m not crazy!”
“No one said you are”, Jimin murmured and saw how Taehyung’s eyes narrowed. He was not happy.
“Only crazy people go see those kinds of doctors!”
“That’s not true”, Jimin disagreed and put a gentle hand on his friend’s shoulder. “There are many, very sane people, who go to see those kinds of doctors too. Not only crazy people.”
“That’s stupid, why would sane people go there?”
“Because they need help feeling better”, Jimin answered softly, he was almost sounding sorrowful. “Why is that so crazy?”
“That’s not what I meant”, Taehyung muttered and saw how his Maknae was carefully joining them on the floor. For some reason, that made him feel angrier; he wasn’t sure why though.
Or was he? Every time he saw Jungkook, he got reminded of the promise that Jimin had broken. It made him feel so incredibly sad in his heart, to always remember what had happened. He wanted nothing more but to forget about it, but the sight of Jungkook made it difficult.
“I understand what you meant, Taehyungie, but you are wrong”, Jimin said. “You are not crazy just because you need help from a doctor.”
“Jimin is right.”
All three of them looked up when they heard Hobi’s voice. He was entering the room, wearing a soft smile on his face.
“Sorry for eavesdropping”, he apologized but they didn’t mind it. “How are you, guys?”
“We’re okay”, Jimin murmured while the older sat down next to them on the floor. He was dressed in broken grey jeans, and an orange and lime-green t-shirt.
“Taehyung-ah?” he said and tried to make eye contact with the younger. Taehyung refused.
“I don’t want to go to that doctor”, he murmured, while staring down at his hands that were resting on his knees.
“It’s good for you”, the rapper assured. “He’ll be able to help you, he’ll get you a good psychologist to talk to.”
“I’m not crazy”, Taehyung looked up this time and dark eyes met equally dark eyes. The shapes were different though, and the soul which the eyes were hiding.
“We already know that you’re not crazy”, the older said. “You don’t need to convince us.”
Taehyung shook his head. “Psychologists are for crazy people!”
Hobi straightened his back and looked a bit concerned, and then dejected. The three Maknaes were all watching him, Jimin and Jungkook a bit worried, while Taehyung was pouting. They saw how their Hyung’s eyebrows furrowed and how he puffed his cheeks round and big. It looked like he had an argument going on inside of him.
And that was exactly what he had. Hobi wasn’t sure if he should tell them his secret or not. It might help Taehyung, but the thought was scary.
He let the air out from his mouth and his body softened.
“Psychologists are not only for crazy people”, he said with a low and gloomy voice. Not at all like the Hobi they knew.
“Why do people keep saying it then?” Taehyung asked.
“Because people know shit, that’s why.”
They all turned their attention back to the door when they heard Yoongi’s voice. Their Hyungs were back.
Hobi bit his lower lip. The moment for his confession of his secret had passed him; and he wasn’t sure if he was relieved or sad about it. He supposed it was better this way, that he hadn’t said anything.
“Taehyung-ah”, Jin spoke this time. “We can’t force you to go but if you don’t want our help, then tell us now. We won’t kick you out, and we won’t tell BigHit about your issues, but we won’t save you either if you get out of control. We won’t play that game with you.”
“This means, if you don’t want our help, we won’t run to your rescue whenever you’re not able to control yourself”, Yoongi said with a stern voice. “If you refuse to do what you’re supposed to do, we won’t cover for you. Namjoon has covered for you before, he has been keeping you from doing a lot of things you shouldn’t do, and during our last shoot, Jin covered for you as well. He took the beating you were supposed to take, didn’t he?”
Taehyung nodded slowly, he already knew what his Hyungs had done for him, and he was still feeling guilty about it.
“We won’t do that anymore, not if you don’t want our help.”
“I…”
“Taehyungie?” Jimin sounded very worried, so very anxious to hear what his best friend’s answer was going to be. He didn’t want Taehyung to reject the help.
Hobi sighed sadly before saying:
“I’ve been talking to a psychologist too once.”
“What?” Taehyung’s eyes grew large. The others looked surprised too; none of them could’ve ever guessed that Hoseok of all people would’ve been in need of a psychologist. Although he wasn’t always a happy sunshine, he was so very positive and looked at life in a brighter light than any of them could ever do. It became more apparent than ever to them all that they could never see on a person what they had experienced in the past. Not even people they knew well.
“Do you think I’m crazy too?” Hobi asked, now looking graver than he’d ever done before. Taehyung started shaking his head.
“N-no”, he said quietly. “No Hyung, you’re not crazy.”
“But only crazy people talk to doctors and psychologists, right?” Hobi asked with a raised eyebrow expectantly. “That was what you said.”
“Yeah, but…”, Taehyung was unable to finish that sentence, and instead he let his eyes fall back to his hands again. They were trembling.
“But what?” the rapper asked when he realized that his dongsaeng wasn’t going to answer. “You can’t hurt my feelings, just tell me the truth, am I crazy because I've been to a psychologist before?”
“No.”
“So why would you be?”
“I… I don’t know…”, Taehyung was telling the truth; he didn’t know. It was just a feeling – a very strong feeling – that told him that if he went, people would think he was crazy. If that was true though, he wasn’t sure. The feeling didn’t change though. He just knew what people usually said about people that struggled with mental health, and he didn’t like the words they use to describe these people as – lunatics, stupid, delayed, failures, waste of space, good-for-nothings, slow, weak, hopeless, incapable.
He hated the thought of people calling his Hoseok-Hyung any of those nasty words. He hated to think people would tell his Hoseok-Hyung that he isn’t fit for society.
Taehyung started to feel guilty; he didn’t mean to call Hobi crazy. He would never do that on purpose.
A wave of sorrow washed over him and tears started to fall down his cheeks. It was painful and he started shaking more violently. “I’m sorry.”
“Nawh, no need for crying now”, Hobi said and came closer to be able to give Taehyung a hug. “Ssh, crying is not necessary.”
“I-I’m sorry”, Taehyung said again, but his voice was trembling even worse now than the first time. “I-I go…”
”Huh?” the rapper wasn’t sure he understood the words correctly.
”I’ll go”, the younger repeated himself with tears in his throat. “I’ll talk w-with th-that doctor.”
”Good, great!” Hobi looked very happy and relieved. So did the others. Jimin especially looked like he’d received the biggest gift – in a way he had; he really wanted his best friend to get help. He wasn’t sure he wanted to continue this path without him.
”It’s very good”, Yoongi said, with a nod. “But we need to hurry, we have to be there in twenty minutes.”
“No, forty”, Jin corrected him, while checking his phone. “It will take not even ten minutes to get there.”
“Oh”, the blonde was confused, because last time he’d checked the clinic was an eighteen minutes’ drive from their dorm. “Hyung, are you sure you know how to get to Jeong-Dong?”
“We’re not going to Jeong-Dong”, Jin said. “They didn’t have any time until three weeks from when we called.”
Yoongi’s confusion turned into worry. “But that was the only place within our budget!”
“This place isn’t much more expensive.”
“But it’s not within our budget!” Yoongi tried to make his Hyung understand. It didn’t matter if it costs one hundred or one hundred thousand won more, it was still going to be too much! They were already taking a high risk just by going but taking out more money than they’ve already done was going to make that risk even higher. If their manager would notice that they’ve spent a lot of money in one go, he was going to get suspicious and he was going to demand to know what they’ve bought! And they wouldn’t be able to come up with a lie because he would want to see a receipt.
“I have it under control, don’t worry about it”, Jin said; he was starting to sound a bit annoyed. He was starting to feel annoyed too; it was like they didn’t ever trust him with anything!
Taehyung looked at them both, very alarmed. Jimin and Jungkook didn’t look much calmer. They were all worried.
“It’s okay, it will be just fine”, Jin assured and forced himself to smile. “Trust me.”
And his dongsaengs tried to, they really did.