Chapter Text
A little white pill was laying in Jungkook’s hand. This was the second week he’d been taking Sertraline, and he’d been feeling much calmer the past few days, so apparently they worked. Tiredness was following him around on the other hand, and it didn’t matter how much he slept. He was confused, because he’d been sleeping very well lately.
It wasn’t much he could do but hope it was just temporary. He had to stay positive, and it was with the help of a big gulp of water that he swallowed the Sertraline.
“Have you eaten breakfast yet?” it was Yoongi who’d entered the kitchen, dressed in light blue jeans and a white shirt with black buttons. He was holding a black mug with silver letters. It said ‘relax’ in English.
Jungkook shook his head. He hadn’t eaten anything, he’d just woken up, three minutes ago! Twenty minutes later than he’d originally planned. He wasn’t even dressed yet; he was only wearing an oversized t-shirt which he’d picked up from the floor before he stepped out from his bedroom. And of course some underwear and old slippers.
“We’re leaving in fifteen minutes”, the rapper said while pouring another cup of coffee for himself. “So hurry up if you don’t want to go to school hungry.”
After a busy week of rehearsals, broadcasting and fan signing, Jungkook was now going back to school, but only for two days. Still, he was not in the mood for that. It felt kind of pointless, a lot of things felt pointless right now, and he didn’t even feel sad about it. He didn’t feel anything at all.
And besides, he’d probably been at class for two weeks in total this year, and it was already April, so why even try? He knew he was going to fail, so yeah, utterly pointless.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!”
The angry words echoed in the entire apartment and was followed by a loud slam. A door. It sounded like Taehyung was in a bad mood again; he had been ever since he and Jin had been back from that doctor’s appointment.
Jungkook was surprised that Jin hadn’t lost his patience yet; because it was always him Taehyung was yelling at. He’d never used such language though, that was a first time.
Yoongi was not happy about the disrespectful language; not at all. He’d been very nice these past weeks, and let Jin take care of Taehyung, just like Jin wished to do. It was obvious that his Hyung couldn’t do his job well though, and the rapper was not going to sit around any longer and let the brat get away with this unacceptable behaviour. It had gone on for far too long already, but it was going to change now!
He left the coffee mug on the counter and hurried out to the hallway. There he grabbed the stick from the umbrella holder, before continuing to the bedroom door which Taehyung just had slammed.
“Yoongi-yah, no”, Jin suddenly appeared from the living room and grabbed the younger’s arm firmly. “I'll talk to him.”
Yoongi gave him a look of almost disgust before saying:
“You must be joking.”
“No, I’m not”, Jin was talking harshly and squeezed the rapper’s arm harder, to show that he was very serious. Yoongi let out a snort through his nose.
“He walks all over you, Hyung.”
“I have it under control”, the older said, a sentence he’d been repeating every day now. “Now, go back to whatever you were doing”, he continued speaking and snatched the stick out of Yoongi’s hand. “Aren’t you going to take Jungkook to school?”
Yoongi frowned and pulled away from his Hyung with a sharp tug.
“When I said I wanted you as our leader, this was not what I meant”, he growled, while glaring at Jin with his dark eyes like daggers.
“So you’re telling me I’m not good enough being your leader?”
“Not if you continue like this, no.”
Jin’s jaw fell in surprise; he could hardly believe his own ears. It had been Yoongi who’d basically begged him to become their leader because he didn’t think he was fit for it himself! “So now suddenly you think you could do a better job than me?”
“A braindead monkey could do a better job!” Yoongi spat but jerked back a bit when his Hyung’s finger came too close up his face. He wasn’t scared of it, he just didn’t expect the sudden movement.
“You better watch it!” Jin warned dangerously low but Yoongi answered that with a dry laugh.
“That’s funny”, he said and crossed his arms. “You can’t even control Taehyung, what makes you believe you can control me? What a joke.” The rapper’s arm fell and this time, he was the one to point an index finger in Jin’s face. “I do respect you Hyung, but don’t try to boss me around.”
SMACK!
The stick just hit Yoongi on his thigh, but he didn’t make a sound. It was stinging but nothing he couldn’t handle. He was more shocked than anything, not at all prepared for his Hyung to use the stick on him.
They were glaring at each other, like an angry staring contest. The more time passed, the more heated the rapper became. He hated what Jin had just done.
“Hyung?”
They were interrupted by Jungkook who was coming up to them. He looked a bit concerned, now fully dressed in his yellow school uniform, and ready for his classes.
“Are you going to take me to school now?” he asked carefully, and double checked the time on his phone. They should be leaving in no more than five minutes.
“Yeah”, Yoongi said, but didn’t drop his gaze from Jin. “Put on your shoes and whatever more you need.”
Jin’s eyes narrowed and he refused to be the one to break their eye contact. Yoongi didn’t want to be the one breaking it either, but when Jungkook was all ready to go, he realized he didn’t have a choice. He lost this round, but he wasn’t going to lose next.
Tears were falling from Taehyung’s puffy eyes. Everything felt so incredibly painful and hopeless. He just wanted to go back to how it was before they all knew about his secret. It was easier breathing back then.
Jimin laid down next to him in the bed. Neither of them was dressed and prepared for a new day at BigHit. They had to be there in forty minutes for some vocal lessons, some gym time and a very important meeting.
“How are you?” Jimin whispered to his best friend while scratching his arm. Taehyung felt how he was getting goosebumps by the gentle touch. He’d always enjoyed the scratching, and his body went limp and relaxed.
He shut his eyes and ignored Jimin’s question.
They laid like this for a while. All in deep silence. So very safe and cosy. Jimin had shut his eyes as well. They were happy now, if only for this short moment. If only they could’ve frozen it, get stuck in time, and live right here and now for a few hours… or days…
Birds sang outside the window and the morning sun found its way to shine through the ash grey clouds. Let the rain fall if it wanted to, it would dry anyway and if they were lucky, they might see a rainbow.
Taehyung’s tears were drying on his cheeks. It was worse than rain, because it could fall even on the sunniest of days.
But he was comfortable now, they both were.
They listened to each other’s breathing and they felt each other’s warm bodies. Their hearts were sounding bump, bump, bump, very calmly. Jimin kept scratching, but his movement got slower and slower. His mind was getting further and further away from reality. He didn’t realize he'd fallen asleep until someone ruthlessly pulled him up from the bed by his biceps. His sleepy eyes were unfocused and his brain still foggy. His body was definitely not awake yet and he tripped over his own feet. Luckily, the person who’d woken him up was holding onto him so he couldn’t fall to the floor.
“Why are you asleep?” he heard the voice of his new leader. He sounded stressed, so restless.
Jimin blinked rapidly over and over again to find the sharpness in his eyes. He understood he was in trouble, and although he knew Jin wouldn’t punish him, he didn’t feel like getting a scolding right now. It was too early in the morning.
“Huh?” Jin shook Jimin harshly to force out some answers.
“I’m sorry, Hyung, I was comforting Tae!”
Jin’s anger quickly simmered down when he heard the explanation, and he took a deep breath.
“Hurry”, he said and pushed his dongsaeng towards the wardrobes. “You have five minutes to get ready.”
Jimin pouted annoyed but did as he was told and hurried to find some clothes to put on. He found some trousers and a shirt for Taehyung too, but while doing that, he couldn’t stop but notice how gentle Jin was when he woke his friend up. Jimin should be happy that his Hyung wasn’t as harsh with Taehyung as he was with him, but a part of him got a bit jealous. Why couldn’t Jin had been as kind and gentle to them both?
He didn’t understand.
Jimin tried to ignore the feeling of unfairness and the morning continued pretty smoothly. Although Hobi was pestering him in the van, telling him to drink one of the sweet smoothies he’d brought with him. It was important to keep the blood sugar up.
“Don’t think we haven’t noticed how you’re losing weight!”
Jimin had hoped they hadn’t noticed; he’d hoped they had been too occupied with everything else that was chaotic in their lives right now. A part of him got comfortably warm and happy in his stomach and heart when he knew they cared about him, but another part of him was upset, because he didn’t want to gain back the weight he’d lost.
Don’t let them make you stuff yourself again, you fat pig!!
Jimin took the deepest of breaths when he felt how a sudden wave of anxiety washed over him. He better try to lose another kilogram, if he’s lucky, the evil voice inside of his brain might shut up.
Taehyung had a voice that refused to shut up too. It wasn’t the same kind of voice that Jimin had. This one spoke more clearly and didn’t belong to himself, it came from somewhere else.
I’m the devil. It said.
No, you’re not, Taehyung disagreed. The devil is a grey fluffy bunny with a woman’s voice. You’re a yellow puppy with a little boy’s voice. Are you from Jeonnam?
Perhaps, the puppy said and wiggled its little tail. It looked almost a little like a Shiba Inu.
Sounds like it, Taehyung answered and took a seat on the grass next to the puppy from Jeonnam. A lake appeared in front of them. It was sunny, and not rainy like the weather that existed out there. There where his team members were.
I can take over, the puppy said eagerly and jumped up and down, up and down. I let you have a rest, woof woof.
It sounds tempting, Taehyung must admit. A blue fish with big red fins could be seen, it raised from the still lake and flew away. I wonder, he murmured and the puppy stopped jumping.
You wonder what? It asked.
Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows and picked up a lonely stone. It was almost a bit pink, and all smooth. You must be here for a reason?
Oh? The puppy’s watched him in curiosity. Its eyes were so dark that they almost looked black.
The feathers…
What feathers? The puppy obviously didn’t understand and Taehyung wasn’t surprised.
Yellow and blue, blue and yellow, he explained, but it didn’t make it more clear for the little puppy. They have disappeared. And Burū too!
Who’s Burū?
The white cat! Taehyung answered.
CAAAAAT!? The puppy cheered happily and started jumping again. Let me chase it, woof woof!!
Taehyung shook his head and threw the stone into the lake. The blue water turned pinkish. The entire sky did as well.
No, Burū’s not here, he said. He’s gone.
Oh, let me take over! The puppy said and its curly tail started wiggling more.
No. Taehyung didn’t want a puppy to take over his mind and body. That wouldn’t end well. He could only see disaster in front of him if he were to let it do as it wished.
I want to play with you! It said and did a quick roll on the green grass. Taehyung must agree that it’s a cute puppy. So very small and chubby. Almost like a little bear. Taehyung liked bears.
It looked at him with those dark eyes.
You can’t play with me, Taehyung said and looked up at the pinkish sky. Maybe it’s going to rain here too? No clouds in sight, but stranger things have happened. Where was he?
Play with me?! The puppy asked but the singer shook his head.
I need to know why you’re here, he said calmly and bit his thumb. And why I’m here.
I want to help you! The puppy was yet again eager.
How? Taehyung asked while noticing that although he was outside, no wind was to be felt on his skin.
I can take over! The puppy suggested and did another quick roll in the grass. And you can rest!
I don’t want that. Hmm…
Hmm? The puppy asked and Taehyung stood up.
It doesn’t bode well, he muttered. The cracks are still around.
Maybe they’ll disappear too? The puppy asked and looked up all the way up at Taehyung.
Taehyung looked down at the small puppy. It looked tinier from here. It couldn’t weigh more than 3-4kg.
I don’t know how to make the cracks disappear, he admitted and the puppy spun around, like dogs do when they try to catch their tails. Around and around and around until it got too dizzy and fell on its feet.
Oi, it said.
Be careful. Taehyung squatted down and the puppy started wiggle its tail again. So very happy.
Let me help you! It said. Woof! Woof!
How?
Let me take over!
No! Taehyung protested. There is a reason why you’re here.
Yes, to help you! The puppy said but Taehyung shook his head. He wished he understood why this was happening. He was so very gone. Soon he would wake up and all of this would be like a foggy memory, too unclear to make anything of. What would he remember of it?
The pinkish sky got darker. Rain was definitely coming. Soon. A drop fell on the tip of Taehyung’s nose but he wasn’t able to feel it. No, it wasn’t a raindrop but a tear. They sky was crying.
Where is the grey bunny? He asked and the puppy sat down on the grass that wasn’t green anymore but purple.
I don’t know anything about a grey bunny. Can I chase it?
No, Taehyung shook his head. It’s the devil, he explained.
I’m the devil! The puppy said avidly. Woof, woof!
No, you’re not, Taehyung disagreed. You’re just a stupid puppy!
It suddenly looked sad, but Taehyung didn’t feel pity for it. Not at all. He looked back at the lake.
“Why is pink a colour?”
“What?” Hobi asked when he heard Taehyung’s question. It was very random and strange. They were sitting next to each other in the van that was stuck in traffic. Rain was clashing down on the windows and everything looked dark and grey. It wasn’t a good start of spring.
Taehyung came back to reality and turned to his Hoseok-Hyung with a frown. He tilted his head before saying:
“The colour pink, you should call me pink.”
“What? Pink?” Hobi asked with confusion written in his face. “Do you even know what you’re saying?”
“Pink”, the younger murmured, sounding pretty confident. He looked up at the ceiling, there was no pink sky up there. Everything was so very grey. I wonder, he thought. Why did the yellow puppy from Jeonnam claim to be the devil?
Nothing of this made sense.
Jimin who sat in the car seat in front of Taehyung had heard the conversation. He was worried for his best friend. He could only hope these psychology sessions were going to help, because he really wanted his best friend to get better. They all wanted the same thing, they could tell how much Taehyung was suffering and he didn’t deserve that…