Chapter Text
Namjoon was looking in every corner in the building of BigHit, but he couldn’t find Yoongi anywhere. Did he really go outside? It had been almost four hours since he’d left the dance studio, and no one had heard from him since. They were all ready to go back home now, and they thought Yoongi would be keeping track of the time so they would meet him in the changing room. But no, no Yoongi.
They couldn’t leave without him though, well, they could, nothing could stop them but it didn’t feel right. They needed him to come home with them.
But where was he? He couldn’t have just evaporated like smoke.
Yoongi’s phone was in his bag, which he’d left in the changing room, so there was no chance to reach him. Namjoon was a bit worried; Yoongi had seemed furious when he’d left. Jin had been furious as well.
Namjoon carefully stroke his finger against his lower lip when thinking of it. The words his leader had said to him still ached in his heart. It hurt because he knew it was true. He’d done enough harm as it was already; and the rapper really wanted to make everything better again. His confidence was wavering; it often went from zero to one hundred. He either felt like there was not a doubt in the world that he wouldn’t be able to fix this or he felt like nothing could ever be fixed ever again. There was never really a middle.
Namjoon rubbed his face, so very tired. Normally he would be annoyed if any of his members ran off, but since he resigned as their leader, he’d cared less. No, ‘care’ was the wrong word, but he didn’t feel as stressed about things. It was surprisingly relaxing not to be a leader; not to have to think about everything and everyone all the time… but did he miss it? Oh yes, he missed it so much. There were moments when he wanted to step up and go into full leader mode again, just like he used to do, because he loved it so, and he loved to be in control, and he loved to help and lead… but he had to remind himself that it wasn’t his place to do that anymore. And right now, with his aching heart and his confidence on zero, he wasn’t sure he was ever going to be able to lead them ever again. His team members wouldn’t want that because they didn’t trust him and they would probably never again.
Namjoon tried to remind himself that he only had himself to blame…
His steps were slowly taking him forward through the many corridors. Some were busier than others, some were completely empty.
The rapper was just about to give up his search when he saw Yoongi squatted down on the floor, next to a green vending machine full of drinks.
He was sipping on a can of sparkling mango juice and looked gone in his thoughts. Like those tired workers on the streets, that were taking a break from their daily labour. But they often had a cigarette in their hand too.
“How are you?” Namjoon asked when he crouched down next to his Hyung. “We’ve been looking for you for like twenty minutes.”
“I get so fucking frustrated.”
Namjoon furrowed his eyebrows in concern. “Because of Jin-Hyung?” he asked and Yoongi sighed heavily, as if just hearing the name made his blood boil.
“Yeah”, he managed to answer, although it sounded more like a hiss.
“Why don’t you become our leader instead?” Namjoon asked and Yoongi sighed again. So very annoyed.
“Why don’t you go back to being our leader instead, huh?”
Namjoon lowered his gaze to his hands, they were shaking a bit. “You know I can’t”, he murmured dolefully.
Yoongi looked at him in silence for a few seconds before sighing yet again with a shake of his head. “Whatever”, he muttered and took another sip of his drink. It fizzed in his mouth because of the sweet juice soda.
“Hyung”, Namjoon spoke up and peeked back at the older rapper. “Jin doesn’t know what he’s doing.”
“What a shocker”, Yoongi’s voice was dripping with sarcasm. It was Namjoon’s turn to sigh this time; he really wanted to talk to his Hyung but it was obvious this was not the right time for that.
He wanted to tell Yoongi that he was on his side, but he wasn’t sure if that would even help.
“We should go back”, he said instead and stood up. “I’ll text the others, Hobi and Jimin are out looking for you too.”
He picked up his phone from his jeans and send out a text to their group chat. Hobi was the first and only one to answer. A thumbs-up emoji.
“Namjoon-ah”, Yoongi said and pushed himself up too. He brushed off potential dust from his trousers with his right hand, while still holding the can of juice soda in his left, before he continued to speak: “I’ll talk to Seokjin tonight, so don’t worry about it.”
“Is that really a good idea?” Namjoon looked very sceptical at his Hyung who narrowed his eyes.
“So you want to talk to him instead?” he said snappy, and the younger thought it almost sounded challenging. “We all know from experience that your talks, no matter what topic, always end up in fights.”
Namjoon’s body got both stiffer and warmer when he heard what Yoongi said. Why was he talking as if he was any better?! It was ludicrous.
“You know you fight with Jin-Hyung as much as I do!”
“Well, yeah, but someone needs to talk to him”, Yoongi grunted. “He’s spoiling them too much.”
Namjoon didn’t know if he should just trust his Hyung about this and hope for the best, or if he should try to help.
Wait, help? Hah! Namjoon though to himself. It was laughable to think that he could help anyone. Wasn’t trying to help the last thing he should do? Wasn’t that why he’d given up his title and authority as a leader? So he wouldn’t try to help and therefore wouldn’t screw everything up again.
Yeah, no, he was going to trust Yoongi and let him do whatever the hell he thought was necessary. Namjoon silently groaned at the thought. He could imagine this night going in only one direction – downhill! This was going to end in disaster!
Yoongi’s plan was to talk to his Hyung immediately when they arrived at the dorm, but when he saw how Jungkook - almost unnoticeably – sneaked into his bedroom, he had other plans. He really needed to talk to his Maknae, so instead of following Jin into the kitchen, he knocked at the Maknaes’ bedroom door.
“What are you going to do?” Jimin asked suspiciously and Yoongi sighed, he was beginning to lose his patience with the boy.
“Go help Seokjin make dinner.”
“Jin-Hyung said you’re not allowed to punish him anymore!” Jimin sounded a little too demanding, and Yoongi had to take a deep breath not to strangle the boy.
“Jimin-ah, I swear”, he said, while trying to sound as calm as he possibly could. “One more word out of you and you will be sitting on a sore ass all day tomorrow, and I bet you don’t want that considering we will be flying for seven hours!”
Jimin pouted but surprisingly enough, and to Yoongi’s relief, he spun around and left to the kitchen. Good, the rapper didn’t feel like punishing anyone tonight. Dealing with one brat was enough for one day.
When Jimin was out of his sight, the rapper turned back to the door and knocked again. No answer this time either, so he decided to invite himself in instead.
“Jungkook-ah”, he said and stepped inside the room. It was very messy in here, clothes and stuff everywhere. To be honest, this was not the only room that looked like a war zone, they really needed to find a day real soon for cleaning the entire apartment.
Jungkook who was laying on his bed with his phone, looked up. “Hyung?”
“I need to talk to you”, Yoongi said and came to sit next to the younger, who carefully sat too from his previous position on his stomach. He suppressed a hiss when he put weight on his stinging butt.
Yoongi could tell he was in discomfort and carefully rubbed his Maknae’s back in sympathy. “How are you?”
Jungkook shrugged his shoulders at that and felt how his Hyung’s warm hand left his back. Their gaze met for a slight second before the younger’s fell to his thighs. He was still wearing his dark blue shorts.
“You know you’re a good kid, yeah? You’ll be okay.”
“Yes, Hyung”, the younger murmured and heard how Yoongi sighed. It sounded heavy and sad.
“The reason I came though”, he said and started massaging his own arm. “Is because I heard from Seokjin that your new meds are making you tired and drowsy.”
It looked like a light went on for Jungkook when he heard it. “The Sertraline?” he asked. “Is that what makes me like this?”
“I suppose”, Yoongi said, not sure why his Maknae looked so baffled, but didn’t care enough to ask. “But if I had known this before, I would’ve gone easier on you. It’s not your fault these pills make you sleepy, okay? I shouldn’t have lost my temper like I did…”
He looked at the boy’s cheek, where he’d slapped him earlier. There were no signs of that. The slap hadn’t been too hard. Yoongi squeezed Jungkook’s neck gently.
“… You are okay, aren’t you?” he asked again. He wanted to be sure about it.
Jungkook nodded and looked a little less sad.
“Good.”
Jungkook nooded again, and the rapper’s eyes narrowed.
“With that being said, though”, he continued speaking, now sounding much sterner. “Meds or no meds. How you talked to me earlier was unacceptable, and no matter how tired or frustrated you feel, I don’t want to hear you talk with that amount of disrespect to anyone again. Do you hear me?”
Jungkook nodded and without thinking of what he did, he found himself leaning against his Hyung. His chest, his heartbeat, his scent and embrace always made him feel less abandon and much safer. Like coming home.
Yoongi smiled weakly and hugged his Maknae. It felt like they both needed it. The rapper felt a calmness spread inside of him and his heart felt less heavy. Maybe he was feeling like he was home too?
Tired eyes; he shut them.
Bad memories were swept away by good memories. He remembered so very well when he’d first met his Maknae. Such a shy and sweet boy, but no less a brat. He’d grown up so fast, too fast.
The rapper put his cheek on the boy’s head and felt the dark hair tickle him a bit. He smiled wider and leaned back. They both were now half lying against the wall, and they were stuck in this position until someone knocked on the door about thirty minutes later.
“Dinner’s ready”, Hobi said without bothering to open the door. Jungkook who was feeling a bit better now, was quick up on his feet. His stomach was rumbling and he was very hungry. He’d been since he started to smell the fried beef all the way from here. Yoongi was up rather quickly too, although he wasn’t as hungry.
He met Namjoon in the corridor, and the younger gave him a questionable look. Yoongi understood the non-verbal question: Had he had that discussion with Jin yet?
“Not yet”, he whispered and Namjoon nodded. The younger wasn’t surprised at the answer; it had been way too quiet for them to have spoken with each other.
Soon, they were all gathered around the kitchen table.
“Malaysia, I can’t wai…”
“Indonesia”, Namjoon corrected Hobi who started laughing awkwardly.
“Hehe, oh, Indonesia”, he said and reached out to grab some kimchi. “I can’t wait to see you again… it’s again, right?”
“Yes”, Namjoon affirmed and grabbed some kimchi for himself.
“Aigoo, why do I keep mixing up those two countries?”
“Just don’t mix them up while we’re there”, Namjoon said. “You don’t want to embarrass yourself and offend Army.”
“Indonesia, Indonesia, Indonesia, Indonesia!” Hobi said over and over again. He wanted, once and for all, make it stick in his brain forever!
Jimin was snickering at his Hoseokie-Hyungie while the others ate in silence. Hobi looked at him and started smiling too.
“Indonesia”, he said again. “This time I will remember it.”
Yoongi glanced at his Hyung. Exhaustion was growing and making him feel all weak in his body. He wanted to talk to Jin but he agreed with Namjoon; when trying to discuss things with the elder, he too often ended up fighting with him instead. It would surprise him greatly if this time would be any different. No, they couldn’t be fighting, not right now. Experience had taught him that it was never a good idea to go on a tour right after a big argument. They really needed to be okay, so against his better judgment, Yoongi decided to wait with the talk until they were back home again...
The night came…
It was quiet and calm. The darkness was comforting in a way. It allowed Jin to breath, something he had barely done in weeks, it felt like.
He looked at five of his six dongsaengs where they all were peacefully sleeping in the living room, while the movie was rolling its closing credits.
Jungkook was laying on Jimin who was laying on Taehyung who was laying on Hobi. The four of them were cuddled up on the sofa. It was a sweet thing to view.
Yoongi was snoozing on his LANDSKRONA armchair next to them, with his phone on his chest.
Why did this feel like the calm before the storm?
Jin hugged himself. He was angry, confused, worried, tired but most of all sad. It had been another long day. Why did it feel like he was living on repeat? Why did it feel like the days were the same? As if there was no start and no end. He was running in the hamster wheel without a finish line. The goals were there, but somehow unreachable.
No, Jin shook his head to erase the negative thoughts. He knew he couldn’t think like that. It wasn’t good. He blamed it on his tiredness. It was a bit passed midnight, no wonder he was feeling like he did.
He scanned Taehyung; they were going to meet the psychologist for the first time after their trip to Indonesia. He could only hope it would go well…
Namjoon entered the living room, freshly showered and in a green pyjama.
“It’s late”, he said softly. “We should wake them up and all go to sleep.”
“Yeah”, Jin said but didn’t move. The rapper watched him for a while in silence, waiting for his Hyung to act, but it didn’t happen.
“Hyung?” he asked.
It twitched in the corner of Jin’s mouth, and he stiffened. He kept staring at the four on the sofa, so much so that his sight got blurry. Namjoon hesitated but then put his hand on his Hyung’s upper arm.
“Hyung? Are you okay?”
Jin’s shoulders sagged and he let out a deep sigh. “I don’t know”, he murmured and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m just… I’m worried for him.”
“Taehyung?”
“No, I mean… yeah but…” Jin dropped his arms to the side and met the rapper’s gaze. “I meant Jungkookie.”
“Oh… Yeah…”, Namjoon started to massage his own neck, very thoughtfully. Everything that happened today had left him with an uncomfortable knot in the pit of his stomach. They had decided that the best option was for Yoongi to punish Jungkook. Hobi had been of the same thought, and Namjoon had agreed to it as well when Yoongi had offered to do it. There hadn’t been a reason for Namjoon to object, and he hadn’t been up for doing it himself. The thought had made him waver a bit. He wasn’t sure about any of that yet. The confusion and insecurity were still strong within him.
“I feel like… um…”, Jin took a moment to think through what exactly it was what he wanted to say. “I need to protect him, protect them both.”
“That’s good and all Hyung”, Namjoon agreed. “But you can’t spoil them, you know that.”
Jin rolled his eyes. “Don’t you start too.”
Namjoon wasn’t sure what he was talking about, but he guessed Yoongi had said something Jin hadn’t liked to hear. That was probably why they had been sparring earlier.
“Jungkook didn’t deserve that spanking he received”, Jin suddenly said with a headshake.
Namjoon didn’t want to answer anything to that. His Hyung’s words from earlier still echoed inside of him…
“I don’t need your opinions right now… You’ve done enough harm already!”
Jin had sounded so different, so very venomous, not at all what he was used to. The rapper didn’t want to risk hearing it again. It hurt too much just thinking about it.
“This was why I wanted to take care of them myself”, Jin confessed and clenched his fists. A part of him really wanted to be able to have an eye on Taehyung and Jungkook twenty-four hours a day. He knew it was impossible, and he also knew it was crazy if he were to try.
Namjoon thought the same.
“Hyung, I understand that you care about them”, he said. “But you can’t do everything by yourself, you know? One thing I’ve learned from being a leader is that sometimes, we need help.”
Jin frowned disappointed; he didn’t want to hear that. Namjoon tilted his head when he saw his Hyung’s disheartened expression.
“Was this why you didn’t want Hoseok to go pick up Jungkook?” he asked and Jin cringed.
“It was childish of me, but yeah”, he admitted and glanced over to a sleeping Hobi. “I know Hoseokie just wanted to help, and he’s doing a great job with our Maknae… always able to put a smile on his mouth…”
“Yeah, better job than I ever could”, Namjoon murmured, now looking at Hobi too.
“No”, Jin said firmly. “Don’t say that.”
Namjoon’s eyes wandered back at Jin and their gazes met. He had no idea what to answer to that, so he remained silent.
“You know that Jungkook looks up to you”, Jin said instead. “More so than any other on this planet.”
The rapper huffed almost amused. He found it laughable. “He’s still terrified of me.”
“He’ll come around”, Jin assured him. “You just have to be more understanding with him.”
Namjoon bit his lower lip before taking a deep breath through his nose. He let the air out of his nose as well. His Hyung’s comment had triggered his annoyance.
“Hyung, please, he’s not made…”, he trailed off and hung his head, now looking away from Jin. Jin furrowed his eyebrows.
“Huh?” he asked and Namjoon shook his head.
“It was nothing”, he muttered. He knew it was no use, and he didn’t want to argue at this hour. Even less considering they were heading to Jakarta later tomorrow, he wanted the trip to be as argument-free as possible.
“Joon-ah”, Jin said. “It was clearly something.”
Namjoon shook his head again. “I will try to be more understanding with him”, he said and decided to go up to the others. “Come on”, he waved at his Hyung. “Let’s wake them up.”
Jin decided to let it go and helped his dongsaeng wake up the others.
Sleep drunk and with eyes shut, Jimin managed to pull an evenly tired Jungkook back to their bedroom. Taehyung was dragging himself after them, muttering something that sounded like nothing. Namjoon was following them just to make sure that they found their way. It sure looked like they were sleepwalking.
Yoongi stretched a little and took the five steps that were needed to reach his own bedroom. Soon, it was only Jin and Hobi left in the living room.
Jin turned off the TV and his dongsaeng came up to him.
“Thanks, Hyung”, he said with a soft smile. Jin returned the smile, but it was obvious he didn’t have a clue what this was about.
“Sure, but for what?” he asked.
“For trusting me”, Hobi answered before leaving. Jin slowly rubbed his finger against his lower lip, thinking. Heat started prickling in his face when he realized that his dongsaeng must’ve heard what he had said. It should made him embarrassed, but for some reason, he was actually relieved that Hobi had heard him. It had never been his intention to make him think he never trusted him…
The next morning, too early for the sun to even be up yet, Jungkook was standing alone in the kitchen. He was going to school soon, he just had to take his pill. The Sertraline. Taehyung’s full name and birthdate were written on a white tag on the package. One tablet per morning.
What would happen if he took more?
Jungkook looked at the pill where it was in his hand. So white and smooth. It was so easy to just swallow but for some reason, it was so hard, much harder than it had ever been. He hadn’t known his foggy mind and fatigued body had been caused by this tiny little thing. It was almost amazing how much damage it could cause. Yeah, Jungkook saw it as damage because it hadn’t helped him much.
Maknae thought about it… he hadn’t felt much anxiety at all since he started taking them, but… but having the choice of keep feeling anxiety or failing not only school but probably his career, he would pick the anxiety. It was worth it, although it pained. With these pills he couldn’t think straight, he felt slow and sluggish and it was so very difficult for him to keep up with anything. Not only that but his concentration was worse than it had ever been too. No, it wasn’t worth it at all to keep taking this antidepressant.
To him it didn’t seem much of an antidepressant at all; it just made him worse!
He turned around. No one was here. Everything was quiet and empty. Yoongi had disappeared to the bathroom. The others were still asleep.
Jungkook swallowed but not the pill, the pill he put in his trouser pocket. He decided to throw it away when he arrived to school…