Chapter Text
Lara couldn’t remember when was the last time someone hugged her – maybe it came from Jonah, somewhere in the madness of Yamatai, something quick and short and grateful, telling her Thank God, you are alive! and then quickly moving on, minding his next task, because there was no time for emotional nonsense, when everyone was stressed and in danger. On that island, every one of them was in a life-threatening situation and they had to keep moving if they dared to hope to ever leave the island and not die there.
There was no time for comfort, no time for such trivial things like how she felt after she shot a man in the head for the first time and no one asked how she felt leading her team into the arms of Himiko.
After Yamatai she changed so much, she kept everyone at an arm’s length and hardened enough to not seek comfort in others. She thought it will stay like that and she needs no one in her life to comfort her ever again.
-
When she was a girl, she too had nightmares sometimes, as all the kids do. Sometimes they were bad and she woke up terrified, screaming, calling for her father. He always came, gave her a big hug which was full of the promise of safety and warmness and he stayed with her until the dream was only a faint bad memory and she could fall back asleep.
After his death, Lara struggled with this trauma for many-many years in the form of anxiety and nightmares, sometimes panic attacks. It took years of therapy to finally feel less damaged and be able to sleep at night most of the time.
After Yamatai her nightmares were back, but they weren’t about her father’s death this time, but about the island, Himiko, losing Sam, losing Roth and Matthias’ dark shadow is being cast to everything, meaning madness, danger and death. She found another therapist, but things did not get easier this time, because everything changed, because she knew now there is so much more out there and her father was right never let her find her peace. It never left her alone, like a shard in her brain, finding its way deeper and deeper into her core, her thoughts, her everyday life and urging her to keep going, keep looking for anomalies and solve them. Like an itch she could never scratch and make it gone, not with therapy anyway, so she jumped into Richard’s research to pick up things where he left them.
It led her here. And Siberia was another life-changing place for her; here she discovered other fragments of truth and it earned her another betrayal and all she could learn from that is not to let anyone too close or else they will use her and hurt her. She felt lonelier after, more isolated and the familiar, thick darkness slowly emerged around her, closing in, choking her.
So the nightmares after that afternoon have returned with various scenes and she was blind for not foreseeing this because these journeys were as much about facing her old wounds as the artefacts she was seeking. Maybe it was more about her, than the artefacts in some way.
Sometimes she was a little girl again, finding her father, blood still dripping from the hole on his head. Sometimes she was an adult woman watching herself as a child, hearing the gunshot, rushing toward the office door, opening it and see Richard laid on his desk, details so crisp like it happened yesterday and she was unable to stop herself opening that door, doesn’t matter what she tried.
Sometimes Ana was there with a gun. Sometimes it was Himiko standing above Richard’s fresh corpse; her silk, delicately detailed kimono was flying around her as the wind came from somewhere, hollow eyes staring at her.
Neither version was easier to witness and Lara always woke up to the screaming, in a cold sweat, looking for who was in trouble, until her sore throat made her realize she was the one who screamed in agony. Sleep never returned those nights, leaving her alone tired, upset and shaken at the dead of night.
Despite the warmness of her shelter and the orange light the fire provided, she couldn’t win back her calmness, couldn’t stop her racing heart and couldn’t bear the thin walls around herself, suffocating her, she quickly put back her outer layers of clothing and boots, grabbed her knife only, just in case, to not stay defenceless and headed out into the cold darkness.
The weather was much nicer in the Geothermal Valley, thanks to the complex volcanic activity below the surface, but it still didn’t feel like an easy summer night walk. It was still much friendlier inside the valley than outside – outside of this sheltered place was nothing more just endless snow and deadly cold, while this valley did not see snow for generations, providing grass all the time of the year and liquid water and rich food sources, making lives much easier compared to the rest of Siberia.
No one moved in the village even if she knew the Remnants were alerted and someone was always out to keep an eye on Trintiy movement. But right now it felt almost peaceful and silent as most of the villagers were asleep.
She tried to sneak out as silently as she could, even though the new moon did not provide any light for her, but Lara felt at home just enough already to find her footing and not alert everyone unnecessarily.
She just needed air and space. Needed a moment of peace and to not think for a change, just calm down and forget the dream. Forget everything she could, all this mess around her, all the troubles she caused and all the problems she needs to face and just be.
When she felt the distance was enough to still be safe of the wilderness but far enough of other people, Lara stopped and took a deep breath - imagining how she is letting all her problems go when she breathes this package of air out. It will fly away, not weighing her down anymore, not making her worry. Wrapped her arms around herself, shivering, the cold already stinging her cheeks, her instincts protested and urged her to go and find heat, but not yet, just a few more minutes. Felt like she could stand still here for decades just to avoid returning to the task of changing the world for the better. A year ago she craved for making her mark on the world, so much. She was constantly hungry for it, never happy, always wanted more. And now she did make her mark, but the world also made its mark on her, and honestly, Lara wasn’t sure if it was a fair deal. But a deal is a deal, she got what she wanted - maybe not in a way she imagined, but this is how it is.
She was okay. She was alive. She was here and the monsters weren’t and dreams couldn’t harm her. She was safe here, somehow. Somehow what she did here mattered to these people and to Jacob as well. She tried to make the best decisions for them, but it seemed to be more and more difficult. Keeping the Source was something Jacob and her did not see eye-to-eye, but they didn’t talk about it yet. He never mentioned it, never said to her do not go out and do what she usually does. Not after she clearly told him she won’t change her goal. But deep down she knew it will come up and it will cause problems.
Slowly her heart rate calm down, her nausea and dizziness were gone, finally allowed Lara to feel a bit relieved. The smell of trees enveloped her, the feeling of the solid ground under her feet; it was like feeling the whole valley around her and it all was anchoring, helped her to grip to reality and leave the images of the past behind her for now and sank deeper into the now , never hearing the approaching footsteps behind her.
The man, taller than her with a head or so, seemed pretty awake despite how late it was and didn’t even bother to hide the worry he felt when heard her tossing and then walking into the night. He would be worried for anyone in this village and even for his enemies; wasn’t willing to turn away from anyone who needed his help, but seeing Lara in distress cut into him just a bit deeper, stung just a bit harsher and he wanted to protect her just a bit more than the rest – not counting Sophia. Sophia was different, he would die for her over and over again, if needed, just like for everyone else he closed into his heart – but dying for a million times didn’t help anything so far. And he had experiences with dying for more than he could count.
“Are you feeling well?” the familiar voice grabbed her attention, making her move as she slowly turned, welcoming his sight - less organised and more just him ; hair is messy, clearly just woken up, voice a bit deeper than usual and hiding some sleepiness there, blue eyes mirrored his worry. This view was almost cosy, painfully so - how easy it was to put them into a different environment, back home, with a proper house and proper bed. How this very scene could happen in her flat, which was more than just a place, quickly upgraded from a warehouse, but it was also so much her , how she could wake up in the middle of the night in London and walk to the window staring at the streets as they were bathing in orange light with occasional cars running by. How easily he fitted into that scene, into that falt and next to her side, hair still ruffled, voice still sleepy and asking if she was okay. It felt so normal and so-so good , she almost wished if only it would be true.
Looking at him and seeing him was something she could never be bored of: there was always something more in Jacob’s whole presence Lara couldn’t describe with words and probably she will never be able to, doesn’t matter how many times or how hard she tries. It wasn’t pride exactly; Jacob wasn’t proud. It wasn’t exactly confidence either – he often doubted himself, his decisions, she knew. He was just... like he knew who he was and what his task was and despite his flaws, he was committed to this task. He was a leader, more than he would acknowledge it. Not proud, nor arrogant or full of himself, rather someone who learned things in a difficult way and willing to be hurt more for the sake of others.
A small, tired smile appeared on her lips, trying to reassure him there was nothing to worry about.
“Yes, I just... couldn’t sleep. Sorry if I woke you up.”
Jacob stepped closer to her and she didn’t back away from him but refused to tell him more – some things were too personal to share just yet and with everything around they had limited time to get to the point when she was willing to talk about her most personal and darkest thoughts. What they had now was just too pure and too innocent, too true to ruin it with her fucked up past.
“I heard screaming.”
Oh right, that . Looked down, like she was ashamed of herself.
Getting used to show vulnerability was something she needed to learn even before the Dragon Triangle and now she buried her emotions even deeper. It helped to keep pushing when she needed to, despite pain and fear and gunshots and killing attempts, but seriously held her back in everything else. But she progressed in small steps at a time, cheering for every little victory she had, because she needed to let this go, slowly.
“Dreams.” admitted silently, suddenly feeling small. This was still too close to home, to her weakness, where she was still vulnerable and tiny. Heard Jacob letting out a long breath; his worry was mostly gone and something new emerged in its place, the understanding soft look that relieved another little secret - he understood not only because of his compassion, but also experience. Lara was not the only one who was haunted by her past decisions and cost her too much.
“Bad ones?”
“The worst.” sighed “Memories.”
It was always easy to be around him, without the feeling of being judged. If she wanted to tell him more about something, Jacob listened. If she wanted to keep things for herself he didn’t push her, let her take her own pace. He knew when to step back and give her space – and she needed that space, both of them needed that space. He could always lead her on in a gentle way and she realized that way too late, only when she was slowly more attached to him than she expected and was hard to give him up. Learning to trust someone took time, the time they didn’t have now and she wasn’t sure if they will ever have. She was different, had less care, more haste, always finding her way to get what she wanted. It often felt like she was a ship in a storm, staying afloat, but also without anchor unable to find her place to stay put just for a bit, but always being tossed around and all she could do is fighting back to not be crushed.
But when she found his closing arms around herself for the very first time, letting him pull her close in the night, under the stars, letting her smaller frame to be devoured by his bigger one, reciprocated the affection as she found her way under his coat, thinner arms around his solid waist and just clung to him, felt like this was finally a spot, where she can rest a bit, find a shelter of the storm and wait until it goes away, finally finding each other in the darkness.
It was a promise of never leaving her alone ever again, like a whisper of protection, a place she didn’t need to keep up all her walls and be strong all the time. He was many things, she knew before, but he was also someone she could imagine to be part of her life as her equal at her side, a partner she missed, a friend who will stick, someone whom she can trust not just her secrets, but may her heart too and be weak for him, not just strong, gentle, not only rough and fierce and stop to enjoy small moments, not just pushing on all the time. Be brave enough to love him and also to accept his love, all him, all his worries and want to protect her and form a new team, different than she had before with her father, but strong, like a new family they were slowly building up from the ground.
Finally, Lara felt like maybe she can be healed after so many losses and feel whole again. Not today, not even tomorrow, but someday . And maybe it will be finally enough, enough from living in the past and wanting to keep things as they were, longing and mourning, knowing no matter what she will do, how many tombs she will find, how many secrets she will bring to light, nothing and no-one will make things undone and maybe, only maybe she won’t feel like she has to suffer.
Because maybe her penitence is over.