Chapter Text
Ashiya leaned forward. His nerves, and general clumsiness and inebriation threw off his aim, and his lips hit mostly the corner of Abeno's mouth, but it was enough to send a terrified yet excited tingle down from Ashiya's head to his toes.
Abeno jerked back, plastering himself against the far railing. He slapped a hand over his mouth and stared wide-eyed at Ashiya.
Oh, shit. Ashiya's body burned, the small of his back and his neck prickling with sweat.
"What the hell?" Abeno demanded.
"I'm sorry! I don't know why I did that! I-I'm drunk, I guess, and Fusshi was talking about kissing, and we were just talking about feelings and stuff...."
Ashiya floundered. They were having a nice conversation as friends about Abeno's insecurities and Ashiya decided to go and make everyone even more insecure. He was such an idiot.
"So? What?" Abeno said, shrinking more against the railing. "You have feelings for me? Is that what you're saying?"
"No! No, it's not like that!"
"What is it like then?!"
"I don't know!"
Oh my god! Ashiya wanted to cry--from regret, from frustration, from the heartbreak of Abeno's angry, fearful reaction. He never should have drunk the sake. He would never drink alcohol again.
The balcony door slid open a foot, tentatively. Fusshi wedged his face into the gap, but extended himself no further, as if he expected fists or rocks to be flying and was afraid of getting hit. "You guys okay?"
"Yes," Ashiya snapped. He turned aside and glared out at the garden. "We're fine, just go away."
"Okay..." The door slithered shut as slowly as it opened and Abeno and Ashiya were once again alone.
"Are you crying?" Abeno asked after a moment of mortified silence.
Ashiya didn't answer because he was crying. He tried to push the tears down, but they kept squeezing out from the corners of his eyes. He was being so dumb. Why was he being so dumb?
Out of the corner of his blurred vision, Ashiya saw Abeno sigh and shuffle closer.
"Ashiya. What's going on?"
"I don't know," Ashiya repeated. His voice was thick and stuffy and he didn't feel like talking, but he could feel Abeno trying to scrape answers from the side of his face with his unblinking stare. "I'm a mess. I obviously become a—a pervert when I drink and then I cry about it!"
Abeno made a noise halfway between a laugh and a scoff. Ashiya wasn't sure if it made him feel better or worse about things.
"Okay," Abeno said after a moment. "So. You didn't kiss me because you have feelings for me?"
Ashiya swiped at his eyes and sniffed. He hadn't thought about it. They were friends—best friends; he had never had a best friend before—and Ashiya was so happy to hear that Abeno wanted to spend time with him and no one else that he had been filled with an overwhelming wave of affection. So he kissed him. Because he thought Abeno was so cute and he loved him so much at that moment, he didn't know how else to express himself.
"I won't be mad at the answer. I just need to know." Abeno seemed to be trying for a calm and understanding tone, but he sounded nervous anyway.
"I..." Ashiya swallowed down a thick blockage in his throat and faced Abeno. "I do love you, Abeno-san. But not like that."
Abeno studied his face for a long moment. So long, that Ashiya began to feel self-conscious at how hot and swollen and tight his face felt—and it probably looked ten times worse than it felt.
"I kissed you because I was happy," Ashiya continued. He couldn't stand long staring silences; he always felt compelled to fill them with chatter. "And I know it sounds stupid, but that's the truth."
A light breath escaped Abeno's lips and his shoulders dipped as if a great weight had been lifted from them. "Okay. Good. Thank you." He stopped staring and resumed his place beside Ashiya at the railing, looking out at the steam wafting over the roof from the hot springs.
"Good?" Ashiya asked.
"Yeah. I don't have feelings for you either."
Ashiya blinked at him. "Oh. Um.... Good."
The corner of Abeno's mouth curled up. "Yeah. But next time you drink and get happy, go kiss someone else. That was weird and confusing."
Ashiya laughed awkwardly and rested his forearms on the railing. "Right. Sorry. That was really weird, I guess. I won't do it again."
"...I do like you, though." Ashiya glanced at Abeno, surprised. Abeno pointedly ignored his gaze. "As a person," he continued, firmly. "And... And it's not like I think it's weird for two guys to kiss. If you're into that..." He trailed off and shrugged.
"Oh. Uh... I...don't know." Ashiya dropped his gaze and scratched at a bit of splintered wood on the railing. "I haven't thought about it. That was actually my first kiss."
"Mine too."
Ashiya hissed in embarrassment. "Sorry."
"Whatever. I don't care about that kind of stuff, so it might as well be you. At least I can say I kissed someone now when people ask. Makes them shut up faster."
"Oh. So I guess you did me a favor?"
"Don't you mean the other way around?"
Ashiya blinked. "What do you mean? I did you a favor. That's what I said."
Abeno raised an eyebrow. "That's not what you said, but whatever. Yes. What's the big obsession with kissing anyway?"
"People like it, I guess."
"I don't."
"Hey, well, don't judge it by my kiss. It wasn't very good. I'm sure it's better with someone you like."
"I'm not interested in kissing. Or liking people for that matter."
Ashiya smiled. "That's pretty obvious. But you just have to find the right people. Like me. You like me."
"You're fine," Abeno grumbled.
"And Zenko. You like Zenko, right?"
"Zenko's fine."
"So you do like people. So maybe one day you'll like someone enough to kiss them."
Abeno's expression soured. "That will never happen. I have zero interest in romantic relationships."
"Oh. Okay, then." Ashiya could tell this was a sensitive topic for Abeno and decided not to push it. It's not like it mattered anyway. Abeno could do whatever he wanted with his love life, or lack thereof.
They stood in silence after that, breathing the brisk evening air and watching as stars bloomed in the sky. The atmosphere was so peaceful, Ashiya wished that he could stay in the moment forever.
"We should go to bed," Abeno said at last. He paused for a moment then pulled a face. "I forgot to get another futon."
Ashiya made a face back. "That's unfortunate…. We might still be able to ask the front desk?"
"We're not supposed to leave the room."
"I'm sure there's a phone, or a number to call somewhere in the room. And I would think they have staff on duty all night in case anything comes up."
Abeno shrugged and they headed back into the room. The matter of the futon turned out to be not a problem—at least for tonight. Saga and Fusshi had cuddled up together on one futon and appeared to be dead asleep.
Ashiya laughed lightly under his breath and glanced at Abeno. "Crisis averted."
They pulled out the remaining two futon and readied themselves for bed.
"Abeno-san?"
"What?"
"Thanks for opening up to me."
Abeno didn't answer, probably because it was embarrassing for him to be reminded of feelings. Ashiya didn't mind, but that wasn't going to stop him from saying what he thought needed to be said.
"And I think it's perfectly fine that you don't want to kiss anyone or be in a relationship right now. Or ever. As long as you're happy. And as long as we're still friends."
The room was dim so Ashiya couldn't see how Abeno took his words, but he still didn't say anything. Ashiya interpreted his silence positively, however. The atmosphere in the room felt emotional, maybe even touched.
And when Ashiya laid his futon down right beside Abeno's, Abeno didn't scoff or tell him to move. And when Abeno shuffled under his blankets and his hand fell in such a way that his and Ashiya fingers grazed each other, neither of them pulled away.
Ashiya smiled and let the exhaustion of the night pull him under into a dreamless sleep.