Chapter Text
“Well? Did you successfully surmount that wall to become a man?”
Law felt his heart fly up into his throat and he choked on his breath. He had heard Kisara’s voice moments ago, wondering if Rinwell was okay or not, and he had bolted before she found him where he wasn’t supposed to be like Rinwell had. Of course Dohalim would be standing right outside the exit, a smug grin on his face, like he hadn’t purposely abandoned Law in a situation he didn’t stop him from getting into!
However, no words came out of his mouth. He had no right to be angry at Dohalim. The idea was Law’s, not his. Dohalim just tried to help him out instead of talk some sense into him. The ex-Renan lord also could run away faster (and quieter) than Law was willing to give him credit for.
“Ah,” Dohalim replied with a hint of disappointment. “I can tell by your façade that you have not become a man.”
Oh, but how wrong he was.
That image of Rinwell stepping out of the bath would forever be engrained in his memory until the day he died.
He was so upset with himself. Really, his father would have punched him straight into next week for what he had just done. He wanted so badly to be respected and admired like his dad had been, but then he pulls this? And to make it worse, he got caught?! Rinwell was sure to murder him the next time she saw him, and he would let her. It was the worst possible thing a boy could have done to his female friends.
Gods help him if Shionne and Kisara found out about it.
“You needn’t fret, Law.” Dohalim spoke with a slightly more positive tone than Law needed at the moment. “There will be plenty of opportunities to become a man in the future.”
Assuming he lived another day, Law really hoped there was an easier, more honest way to welcome adulthood.
Time passed far too slowly standing in the presence of Dohalim. Law just wanted to run and hide, or run and never be found. He had no idea what had possessed him to follow after the girls, or even continue to see it through after Dohalim had spotted him next to the bamboo divider.
He lied. He knew damn well what motivated him.
Law would never, ever admit it to anyone that he had some pretty powerful dreams that left him hungry. He had been able to shake the feeling with some morning training, but after the first dream, they happened more often. And who the hell was he supposed to talk to about what he was feeling? Alphen was his stand in big brother, and he would never be able to talk to him about that hunger, terrified Alphen would think differently about him. It would be too weird to talk to Dohalim. All hell would freeze over if any of the girls found out he was thinking some of the thoughts he had!
Whenever Law felt like the others would reject him, he usually felt comfortable talking to Rinwell. But he could never tell her the truth. That she was always the star of his dreams. That she had been the reason he put his dignity and respect on the line and forgot even the basics of human common courtesy…
He also would never admit that it was all worth it. Whether he was a man now or not, he was finally able to know that his dreams were nothing compared to the real thing.
His face flushed at the memory. Dohalim pat him on the back.
“Just the men we were looking for.”
Law felt every muscle in his body contract as Kisara and Shionne stepped into the lobby where the rest of them had been waiting. He immediately knew what was about to happen, given the piercing glares he received from the two women. Dohalim was at least kind enough to put a hand up to calm the tempest that was about to engulf him.
“Please. There is no need for hostilities.”
“How dare you think you can get away with peeping on us, Law!”
Dohalim, again, tried to play mediator. “I can assure you he was not there to look at either of you.”
Law could not believe Dohalim had said that. Like it excused his behavior. Like Kisara and Shionne would let his actions go unpunished because his actions were directed solely at Rinwell. If anything, their affection for the youngest member of their team made them more volatile, and Law knew he was about to murdered and buried in the snow with no headstone to remember him by.
“How can you think this excuses him, Dohalim?” Kisara stepped forward first, her fists tightening at her side. “She’s a child! You should have more respect for her than this, Law!”
The accusation was painful, yet true. He had succumbed to his deepest secret desire, and now it was out there for the world to see. For his closest friends to see.
“He’s a young boy who yearns to become-,”
“Enough, Dohalim!”
Law had to say something at this point. “I-I’m sorry.” It was pathetic, but it was a necessary start. “I followed you guys to the bathhouse for…um, a b-bad reason…I-I don’t know why…but…I-I did…”
There was a terrible silence that came over the group, until finally, the mother of all daggers stabbed him in the chest. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
“That’s enough.”
Alphen chose that moment to stand in the middle of them all, but Law didn’t know why he bothered. The girls had every right to be mad at him. Alphen didn’t need to try and persuade them to forgive him. What could he possibly say to them to make their words ring any less true?
“What Law did was inappropriate, yes, but he clearly sees that. So leave it alone.”
Shionne opened her mouth, then looked away with a slight coloration to her face. After a few seconds, he heard her sigh dramatically. “Boys will be boys, I guess.”
Kisara glared at him one last time, then both her and Shionne turned back to the change room to find their missing member.
“Regardless of what they say, I believe your efforts were valiant and-,”
“Please, Dohalim, just stop.” Law hung his head, feeling sick and wounded and ready to throw himself off a cliff. He would have to live with this trespass for the rest of his life. Rinwell would never want to talk to him again, even if she had taken his actions far better than either Kisara or Shionne. Which was weird, but, she could have been far too stunned by the shattering respect she had of him…
What would she think of him now?
No one said a word as they left the springs. Kisara kept Rinwell attached to her hip, with Shionne shooting glares at him from time to time whenever he had the courage to face them. Alphen stood in the middle, trying to be the respectful leader in an uncomfortable situation. Law stood as far away from everyone as he possibly could, hoping that he would trip over a rock and no one would realize he had fallen and he would get left behind…
Knowing that the inn in Cysloden had one room for all of them, they thought it best to camp out that night. It gave them more than enough space to spread out, more than what the inn would have allowed. At dinner, Law wanted to say something, to break the unbearable tension he felt on his chest, but what could he have possibly said to make things right? They all trusted him with their lives, literally. And he had to pay them back by trying to catch a peek of them naked and…
“This is wonderful, Kisara.”
Leave it to Alphen to try and lighten the mood. Law kept his eyes down to the bowl sitting on his knees, a blur of green and gross, and he figured this was the easiest punishment Kisara could have doled out on him.
“Why thank you, Alphen.”
There was a spark of conversation, and Law didn’t want to participate unless the daggers returned. He zoned in every now and then, usually when Dohalim was talking about some random fact or another, then he returned his attention to his untouched dinner. He moved his spoon around, watching the ripples follow his motions, wishing it could take him back in time to erase his recent blunder from history.
He’d rather remain a slave to his dreams than have lost the respect of people he considered family.
The only time he spoke had been when he volunteered to stay up and guard camp, and no one tried to protest him. Law continued to sit by the fire, holding his blanket around his shoulders, and focusing his thoughts on his breathing. He had a long way to go before he could ask for forgiveness, and an even longer ways to go to earn their trust back, but in time, he was sure it would be okay. Now he just had to wait.
Once he knew everyone had either fallen asleep or moved far enough away, Law lowered his bowl towards the fire and poured the contents into it. He was starving, but the pain in his stomach gave him something to think about. Maybe if he could sneak away from camp and kill a small rabbit, or something, he could make his own dinner. Kisara was guarding the team’s food supply, and he knew better than to try and take something given the fact he was already in hot water. Should a random zeugle attack while he was out on his little hunt, the party could easily take care of them. They were far stronger now, so he doubted a zeugle would even try to disturb them.
He pushed himself up off the ground, stretching out his legs and tying his blanket into a knot under his chin. He’d be gone for five minutes, tops. No one would even know he left.
“Where are you going?”
Of all the people to catch him about to wander off, it just had to be Rinwell. Maybe. They usually spent the night talking if the other stayed up to watch the camp. He just assumed after what had happened only hours ago that she would refuse to even be close to him again. No more stories about her family, and no more sharing stories about his. They would talk only when necessary…
Yet, she acted like everything was fine. That he hadn’t got the view of his life. That she hadn’t been the one to catch him in the act. That she hadn’t been disgusted by realizing he was a disgusting piece of garbage and he didn’t deserve her friendship.
“Um,” he said as he faced the woods ahead of him, suddenly needing his space rather than food. “I-I was hoping to…t-to train…”
“Oh.”
The way she said it, like she was expecting him to stay and act normal nearly had him running off without the intent of returning. Why wasn’t she mad at him? She had been far angrier with him over every day, ordinary mishaps. Was she still in shock? She sure didn’t seem like it…
“I, um, noticed you didn’t eat dinner.”
He heard her footsteps in the snow, but didn’t realize how close she was until he felt something on his arm. Law jerked away like she had burned him, and his reaction clearly upset her. Her eyes fell to the small bag in her outstretched hand, but he couldn’t look at her. Not now. Not after what he had saw…
Instead of throwing the bag at him, or storming off, Rinwell tried again. She reached out towards him, and continued to follow him with every step he tried taking away from her.
“Law, stop it. Here.”
His head fell to his chest once his foot hit the edge of the fire, effectively trapping him. He figured he would have to face her at some point or another, just not so soon. “Um, t-thanks?”
Law was careful not to touch her hand when he took the bag. He kept his eyes on her hand, then on the ground once he grabbed the bag. He turned his back to her quickly enough he thought he heard something crack. He remained completely still, wishing she would walk away and leave him alone.
She did not. “You can’t even look at me?”
There was a hint of anger in her tone. Law knew she had every right to be upset with him, but at the same time, he wasn’t ready to face it. But…sooner rather than later would be for the best.
He refused to turn around, thinking it would be easier to apologize without looking at her. “I-I’m really sorry. I am. I know it’s not enough…”
“Look at me!”
He remained planted in his spot, frozen by self-hatred and the fear of losing her respect. “I-I can’t…”
So, in a very Rinwell-like move, she came to stand next to him and grabbed a fistful of his shirt until he wasfacing her. “There. Was that so hard?”
Oh god was it ever.
“We usually share stories at night.”
He knew that, but the last thing he wanted to do now was talk to her. Not with the images that burned behind his eyes. Not when she seemed like she was okay with what happened. Not when she was willing to move on while he waited for her to bury him alive…
“Fine. I’ll leave you alone.”
Without even thinking about what he was doing, Law reached out and managed to catch Rinwell’s arm. It was an unconscious move, but she sounded so sad. He could handle her wrath. He couldn’t handle her dejection.
“I-I’m sorry.”
No matter how hard he tried to look into her eyes so she knew he meant it, Law couldn’t do it. All he saw was her stepping out of the bath, grabbing her towel, a slight flush to her face from the heat of the water…
He slapped a hand to his face. How was he burning alive with how damn cold it was? And unless he was numb to pain, he knew he wasn’t on fire. But the longer he stood in front of her without a single word said between them, the more the guilt pressed down on his shoulders.
It soon became too much. “I saw you, today…a-and, um…it was on purpose…I-I wasn’t there…t-to look…f-for something…”
He figured if he was digging his future grave, he’d make it deep enough that no one would ever find his remains. “The truth is, I have these dreams sometimes, and…y-yeah, they can be…intense. I-I just…I had a chance…t-there at the bath, and I…I had to know.” He exhaled deeply, feeling like someone had punched him square in the stomach. “I-I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but…b-but…I’m…”
He threw his hands over his face before he finished his sentence. “I’m a horrible person. I don’t have a right to be your friend…”
It was the hardest thing to say to her, but he hoped that she understood, pushed him into the flames, and walked away. If she didn’t, he hoped that she at least kept her distance from him. Granted he would never act on any of his impulses, no matter how tempting his dreams could be, it was for her own good. He let her sit too close to him, but it wasn’t close enough. She let him drape an arm over her shoulder from time to time, but thatwasn’t enough. How much longer would he be able to hold back until that temptation became too much? He’d like to think he was a decent enough person that he would stop himself before anything happened, but…he also never thought he’d be the type of person to sneak into a bathhouse just to spy on her…
Plus, Rinwell never once showed interest in him beyond friendship. Sure they could talk about a variety of topics long after they should have been asleep, but that didn’t mean she felt the same way he did. And every time he thought maybe there was a different look in her eyes, something special just for him, Hootle was attacking his face, or she was zapping him with lightning. It was like she was wiping the slate clean, and he had to start all over.
However, now he had just given her more than enough reason to keep him at arms-length forever…
He felt a tug on his hands, and his eyes met Rinwell’s. She looked so sad, and it caught him off-guard. If she needed to be anything, it was furious. She was the one who broke eye contact, and if he was seeing things correctly, there was a small trace of pink on her cheeks.
“Um…m-maybe we should…t-talk about this…”
Oh hell no. He could never. What more needed to be said? Why was she still standing next to him? How was he still breathing? Where the hell was Hootle?!
“Look, Law,” she said quietly, her weight shifting around on her feet, like she had something to be embarrassed about. “I-I don’t think that…you’re bad. It was just…a surprise, I-I guess…”
The entire time he had known Rinwell, Law had never heard her stutter so many times in one sentence. “Um, w-what?”
When her hands shielded her face, he felt his heart flip in his chest. “I-I…I saw you too…y-y’know…”
His jaw dropped at the admission. Rinwell had caught him naked? When?! Was that why she wasn’t killing him over finding him spying on her?
What was happening?
“I saw Alphen when he came up to ask Shionne something and then you came rushing to help cover him up and I got a good look at you and I really liked what I saw but you kinda walked into it but I can’t be mad at you for what you did and you feel bad and you shouldn’t because I…I, um…”
He had also never known Rinwell to ramble without stopping to catch her breath. Law was so impressed by it that her words didn’t register with him for the longest time. And when it hit him, he felt his entire body burst into flames.
“W-Wait…what?!”
Rinwell growled behind her hands. “At least I didn’t have to snoop around to see you!”
Law would have been humiliated at the implication had she shot him a glare. Instead, she continued to hide behind her hands and dance in her place. “R-Right…”
He braced himself for the worst of the worst when she sighed loudly, her hands falling to her sides, her head dropping to her chest. “S-Since you were honest, I…I have to admit something to you, too.” Rinwell kept shuffling around on her feet, leaving him anxious to know what she could possibly have to say to him. “The real reason I wanted to know what you were reading so late at night was because I thought you were reading some pornographic novel and I was too embarrassed to ask you up front.”
Law nearly fell back into the fire. Rinwell’s hands shot back to cover her face. “Y-You thought…”
“I’m sorry!”
Then, something clicked in his head. “Is that why you were so afraid of me?”
Sadly, he couldn’t blame her. He had never gotten his hands on said books, but he never really needed them. The dreams that would cause him to wake up in a cold sweat were far more realistic and detailed than some novel could ever be.
And to his surprise, Rinwell thought she had to justify herself. “I mean, yes…but after some time, I started to think that maybe there was nothing wrong with you having some dirty little secret. It’s normal. And for once, I figured you wanted to be normal. Then I come to find out you were reading your dad’s journal…so…I really am sorry…”
His head was spinning, yet he couldn’t stop the small bubble of laughter from escaping his lips. “Well, I uh…I kinda don’t know what to say right now…”
When Law noticed a sour look come to Rinwell’s face, he was desperate to make things right again. “Okay, I um, I can’t really say I blame you,” he finally said aloud before he sighed heavily, his guilt and shame roaring back to life in his heart. “Maybe I am just one of those typical perverted teenage boys. I don’t need the books to have the thoughts that come into my head, into my dreams. I wanted to talk to Alphen about it, so it would stop, but deep down, I was afraid to lose everyone’s respect.”
Law laughed quietly to himself before adding, “And I end up doing it anyway. So, just tell me you hate me. I’ll understand.”
“But I don’t hate you, Law.”
“Why?”
“Because maybe I’m starting to realize that you being a typical teenage boy isn’t something you should feel so disgusted about.” She huffed angrily, but Law had a feeling she wasn’t angry so much as she was trying to find the best way to phrase her words. “Yes, I’m upset with how you went about it, but I don’t think shaming you for your actions is healthy, either. Which is why I thought…m-maybe we could…t-talk about it…”
Then, she grabbed his hand, pulling his attention back to her and her warm eyes, and he suddenly felt like he could tell her anything. “For a while now, I thought you only had eyes for all these fancy, pretty girls and you thought I was ugly or something. So I guess I’m…I’m kind of…happy that you were willing to risk your neck to see me instead of someone else.”
…Wait… “Y-You’re…h-happy?”
She gave a curt nod of her head before she leaned against him. He could have sworn his heart was going to burst through his chest. “I mean…y-yeah…”
He felt something on his stomach, so he naturally reached up to grab whatever it was, then realized it was her hand. The sound that came out of his mouth was horrifying, even if she chuckled against him. It sent a new, but odd sensation down his spine.
Rinwell slowly pulled away from him, and he suddenly missed her warmth. “Sorry. I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that you’re fine the way you are. And…and maybe you’re not the only one of us that has these thoughts and doesn’t know how to handle them.”
She didn’t walk away like he expected her to, and he was grateful, but he knew if he remained quiet, she would. “Um, for the record, I-I did…I did like what I…what I s-saw…today…”
Law bit his lip the second the words were out in the open. It wasn’t the worst thing he had told her that night, but he worried that he was about to make their friendship that much more uncomfortable. Would they have to keep a space between them if they sat next to each other? Would he be able to look at her without her thinking he was picturing that sneak peek he never should have had? Would she have those same thoughts about him? Would they ever act on those impulses if they ever had them at the same time?!
Rinwell threw her hands over her face again, and Law was sure he had said too much. “T-This is so embarrassing!”
He couldn’t have said it better himself as he reached up to scratch the back of his head. “Um…y-yeah…”
She threw herself back into his chest, but he oddly felt more relaxed than he had around her all day. The hand behind his head moved to her back, giving her one soft pat, before freaking out about it and pulling his arms to his side. Her giggle, however, made his insides warm and his heart beat loudly. She could probably hear it well enough.
“But…now that we’ve kinda put it out there, it’s…nice…being able to talk to you about this.”
It was nice. For months, Law had struggled to ask Alphen for help, or to help him kill the desires running rampant in his mind. He always talked to Rinwell about his trauma, his fears, his regrets. It really was embarrassing, but comforting to know that she wasn’t judging him as a depraved boy and running away from him.
In fact, he treasured it. He lifted both of his arms to wrap around her back, pulling her into him again. He released his breath with a smile, feeling like if he hadn’t secured his grip on her, he would have floated away.
“Thank you,” he whispered into her hair. Being close to her like this calmed him, and given the emotional roller coaster of his day, that was a feat in and of itself. She truly was some kind of angel, or something like it, to have been able to let him live to see another day with her.
“Just,” he heard her say, followed by a soft push to his chest. “Don’t try and sneak a peek without permission again.”
A strange feeling flitted through his heart at her words. “So, I can peek with permission?”
He almost slapped a hand over his mouth, but Rinwell’s glare looked more playful than murderous. Hoping she wouldn’t finally kill him, he placed an arm around her shoulders. Where the urge to do that came from, he had no idea. But it felt nice, especially when she seemed to get comfortable rather than push him away.
“I’ll let you look whenever you want.”
He thought maybe it was too soon to say, but then his chest swelled with pride when he caught the blush on her face that she failed to hide with her hands. “S-Stop it…”
But if he knew one thing, it was that he was lucky to be alive. He best not push his luck any further. And if he really wanted to regain her trust and separate himself from the “typical boy” stereotype, he had a lot of work to do.
“So, it’s your turn to share a story about your parents.” He gently moved her towards the fire, untied his blanket from around his neck, and willingly let Rinwell snuggle up against him once they were seated. He sure as hell was plenty enough warm to keep her cozy. “If…that’s okay?”
“Yeah,” came her reply, soft and sweet and everything he needed to hear. “As soon as you eat something. I didn’t swipe jerky from Kisara when she wasn’t looking to have you starve under my watch.”
He laughed, and any remaining tension seemed to evaporate into the air. “And here I thought you just wanted to watch me suffer all the time.”
She poked the spot right under his ribs. “I do. But you need to live for me to enjoy watching you suffer.”
“Right, right.” His arms hung loosely around her and he rested his head against the top of hers. Everything was at peace again. He hoped she felt the same.
They may still have a long and bumpy road ahead of them, but he would cherish every second of it.