Chapter Text
Final chapter
Daniel crumpled over onto the carpet, kneeling beside his bed with a letter in hand. The corners drooped from the wetness of his falling tears, which were pouring like the rain pounding on the windowpane. The lightning and thunder creating ominous roars outside seemed to reflect the situation perfectly. A typhoon had come to smash his existing life into smithereens. Along with the slivers of hope.
Niel…
I have grown to care about you, as you may know. The deeper I come to care, the clearer it is that being around you is wrong. I’m only putting you in danger. I’m a risk without insurance. I don’t want to see you hurt again, so I’m leaving before something worse happens. I wish I could stay by you because that’s what I know you want, but I couldn’t live with myself if anything else happened. Don’t try to find me. Don’t follow me if you come across me. Just let me return to being a pitiful loner. That’s security in your life and future, not me. You can find another that’s suitable and be happier than you ever with my miserable, complicated self. Try to live as if you never met me. Learn what’s best for you, already. Be selfish and put yourself first. Then you will realize what’s for the best.
OSW
“That IS you, you brat. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I was happiest with you, though it might not have seemed so. I could never forget and I will never wish to. Even if you stomp on my heart in this savage way…”
He knew something was wrong with Seongwoo last night, but he had thought it was more of the same stuff as usual. He’d refused to meet his eyes for fear of the color rush kicking in, yet he’d wanted to stick by his side from when they arrived at home until they fell asleep, clinging to him like a burr. They’d watched a movie and Seongwoo turned over to cry against his chest at any relatively sad part. It seemed that he wanted an excuse to cry. Something was making him extremely sad and he needed comfort.
Now he knew exactly what terrible idea had been eating away at his heart. He’d decided on his own to leave for the painter’s safety. It stung fiercely even if Daniel had been somewhat been expecting it. Ever since the incident, Seongwoo had seemed out of it, anxious, and miserable. He was afraid to have another color rush and whenever they were together, his expression and tone was seeped with guilt as if he wanted to apologize profusely but didn’t think it would wash away his sins. Seongwoo had not only given up on them, he’d practically given up on life, especially on being happy for a single day, probably thinking he didn’t deserve to be.
His impulse was to bolt out of his house, go to the elder’s old apartment, the park, the café, the flower shop – anywhere that they’d been together. He desperately wanted to find him. To hold him and beg him to try longer to work things out between them. To promise they could get through this rough patch and be happy again. He wanted to apologize for not being good enough and swearing he’d do whatever he asked and needed of him in order to be so. Instead of thinking this was inevitable, Daniel thought everything bad that happened was his fault for lacking in some way and that he could fix things if he put in more efforts.
What stopped him was a lightning strike sense of rationality that he must have adopted from Seongwoo. Some people would classify it as an epiphany.
You’re not mature enough, so no amount of efforts can fix this right now. You can’t make him happy the way things are. You can’t reassure him you’re fine after that and not at all worried about what he might do the next time he gets in an unstable state because you know and he also probably knows deep down that’s not fully true, but rather how you wish to appear. You are more talk than action. You aren’t good enough at comforting him in those hard times. You say you trust him and everything’s fine but you also don’t push him to have color experiments either because you’re afraid.
You simply aren’t good enough as you are, Kang Daniel. You aren’t the strong, reliable, confident man that he needs. You’re just a college student who has dreams to be a professional painter, hardly any money to your name, a good heart and a bloated ego. You might like him a lot but it’s not enough to cure depression and clear away all of the doubts. In order to protect him and what’s left of your love, maybe it’s best to let him go for now. Wait for his stability to return. Let him deal with his complicated emotions in an adult fashion.
He will come back on his own, surely. Some day. He will seek you out, at least to apologize for leaving like this. Once he’s stopped hating himself. Once he misses you and your times together. Until that time, you can attempt to grow up and show him that you’re a better man than before so he won’t have any reason to doubt or be distant.
“What right do I have to force him to stay when it’s my fault he’s stuck at the bottom…When I can’t be of any help and might end up making things worse due to my stubbornness. Time to be a bit more mature, Daniel.”
As he made this difficult decision and fought his impulses, Daniel was able to see things clearly. He understood what he hadn’t been able to see before since his mind was clouded with love, desperation, and forced positivity.
This past month living together, Seongwoo was not the only one whose crushing guilt had been putting a strain on their relationship. Daniel felt that Seongwoo’s emotionally unstable state, the jealousy, the moods, the suspicions, the occasional tension that led to tiffs, the entire break down was his all his fault. He hadn’t been a good enough boyfriend. He’d been too focused on himself, too insensitive towards Seongwoo’s wishes and worries. He hadn’t read deeply into what was wrong with Seongwoo and how he could have easily fixed it at the perfect timing. Through his actions and his refusals, he hadn’t made Seongwoo feel secure and unconditionally loved. He was to blame for being immature and blind.
After that happened, he’d done the opposite with all of his efforts. He’d put Seongwoo as his number one priority and made sure to be sweet and attentive whenever they were together. Although it did seem to calm him or get him to crack a smile on occasion, he figured that it turned out to be too little too late.
Seongwoo could neither fully trust him or himself. He must have felt like Daniel’s feelings were not on the same level as his or fading but he was pretending for his survival. He must have felt like Daniel was walking on eggshells and wishing to be free and that he wouldn’t be able to handle continuing to see that which added to his guilt and sadness. He likely figured that another storm would come due to these complicated tangle of emptions and he might become violent once more in the middle of a confrontation.
If you chase him now, not only are you going to make him upset by going against what he wishes, but things aren’t likely to get better. It’s like attempting to crack open an unripe watermelon with your bare hands when you could just wait until it’s ripe and knock it with a rock.
There’s more of a risk that you will permanently lose the person you love by refusing to give him time he needs to regroup. He’s an adult with increased sensitivity and a lot of deep thoughts. He needs time to be alone and sort through that.
If something were to happen again while they were in a fight, he might be so ridden with guilt that he kills himself. Surely, suicidal thoughts are not uncommon for depressed monos, and he was in a mild state of depression when you first met him. It only got worse when he grew unable to suppress those long locked-up emotions. Those are the things that make him act strangely. Those are what makes him think he’s a monster which isn’t true since this we are humans in the real world not some fantasy story full of magical creatures.
He realized that night that what Seongwoo needed was space and time. He knew that was the best thing for him at the moment. However, he found himself at a crossroads. Despite knowing this, Daniel’s feet were itching to move. He wanted to be with his lover because it was so unbearably miserable without him. The idea of a sunflower being without the sun was more terrifying than potentially being hurt.
Daniel’s shaky hand gingerly set the inked letter back on the table. It was blotched with tears old and new. He didn’t want to crumple it further in his agitated state since it was the last thing Seongwoo had left for him, a precious memento that showed how much he was loved. He realized he could hardly smell Seongwoo’s familiar scent in the room. He’d need to look at it later on when the loneliness was nearly suffocating. While laying in the bed, only with those peaceful memories of sleeping, snuggling, and laughing together brought on by the faint sweet smell.
Daniel flung himself across the bed while continuing to kneel. He clawed the blankets in desperation, holding them close and desperately sniffing for any faint smell or warmth from his lover, shaking as he sobbed out his excruciating pain.
One sunny day, Seongwoo had stumbled into his life. One stormy night, Seongwoo vanished from it. Both times the painter had no say in the matter, nor did the universe give any warning with which to emotionally prepare. All he could do was watch his innocent, unshielded heart take an exciting, risky voyage and then get brutally shipwrecked.
Three Years Later
Seongwoo now had a freelancer accounting business, which allowed him to travel around the world as he pleased without going under financially. It wasn’t a problem to travel on a whim because he’d developed a hefty savings by not being materialistic. Of the many things that his encounter with that wonderful man changed in him, the largest was his vitality for life and his sense of adventure. He held a different perspective about living now. It might be the only one he had left, so he didn’t want to waste it by being negative and afraid, stuck in the confines of his dreary apartment. He was no longer that cynic who had said there was no point in traveling because he couldn’t see as others saw.
After he had experienced colors for months and learned hundreds of names for the various shades he’d been blessed to see through the color rush and Daniel’s teaching, he could vaguely imagine them, so it wasn’t like he felt completely inferior. He had new desires to go to new places which his rationality didn’t stamp down as quickly as before. The sights might not be as amazing as they were to the other tourists ‘wow’ing and snapping pictures busily. He might have the occasional moment where he thought it was a pity he couldn’t see the vivid colors hidden behind the greys. He might be at slight risk of his identity being outed. He still considered it worth all of that.
Traveling, taking photos, occasionally working, and reading novels in various artistic or famous places instead of obsessing over the news cooped up in an enclosed, small space had helped wonders. He was a vastly different person after getting out and experiencing the world. He was now always active with something. He didn’t bother to stay at a hotel, stooping and being pensive.
It had always been hard for him not to think too much and he realized that being on the move not trapped within walls helped the best with that. He researched places to go week by week, then filled his day with unique or famous places to see. At night or sometimes during the day at a nice restaurant or cozy café, he did his work if he felt like it but he didn’t keep tight deadlines like when he worked with a company. Once his depression gradually faded from around a year living a busy life in Europe, he’d started to smile at little, pretty things he discovered, interact with friendly locals who initiated casual conversation, and try activities he’d never thought he could possibly do before like dancing and tennis.
The only thing that hadn’t changed was his idea about relationships. His first was his only and it had left terrible burn scars. Since Daniel, he had refused every invitation for a drink or coffee he’d been extended since he didn’t want to take a single step down that road again. He hadn’t allowed anyone he’d met to be the least bit physical with him. He’d never allowed them to think they stood a chance such as by giving out his number.
There were man reasons for not having a casual relationship despite he knew the benefits clearly. For one, he was still hesitant to be close to people because of his disability, although he didn’t obsess over keeping it hidden. For two, he still was of the opinion that a mono in love had a greater tendency to become dangerous. Though now he thought it was because some like himself were more sensitive and emotional rather than containing an actual demonic monster, so he didn’t attempt to bottle his emotions up for good. He’d read and heard several times that it was an unhealthy habit. He had days where he let them out to dance their chaotic, beautiful dance, trampling upon his scarred heart.
For three—the most crucial of all--he still loved the only person he’d ever loved, so he didn’t want anyone to replace that. He still held on tightly to his dear memories which were as vivid as if they’d broke up just yesterday. He might have distanced himself but he probably would never be ready to truly let go of Daniel. Whether it was a soulmate thing or was it his attachment to his first friend as well as lover, he might never know.
Today was one of those days where that second and third point combined. He’d stumbled upon this café a few days ago online that’s interior was incredibly reminiscent of the one he’d ‘coincidentally’ met Daniel at, their official second meeting. The first day he’d experienced something bright and happy.
He had hesitated to go there because he knew all those bittersweet memories would come back, haunting him like a ghost. Literally, whenever he thought about Daniel for long, he’d end up missing him terribly, then his regrets would kick in at night with nightmares of the incident and the hallucinations that had caused it. He understood now it was his anxieties and fears to be abandoned and no longer loved which were leftover nasty feelings from being an orphan. As usual, simply understanding his feelings and reasons for those actions he abhorred didn’t change much of anything.
He didn’t hate himself to the core, but he was still racked with guilt. If only he’d understood himself better back then, maybe he wouldn’t have done such a wretched thing. Maybe their relationship wouldn’t have fallen apart so quickly. Maybe they’d be together, visiting interesting places, taking silly photos together, and commenting about the strange food. Feeling comfortable and full of trust in their mutual love.
“If you dated someone right after me, I might really come to hate you as much as I love you…” Seongwoo playfully threatened the picture on his phone, then sighed with a wistful expression, laying on his arm which wasn’t nearly as large and comfy as Daniel’s had been that day. “Just kidding. If you’re with a normal person who won’t go crazy on you, I’m truly thankful. No matter if you found them just a week later. You deserve happiness and to be loved not just love and care on your own.
Just as I wished when I chose to leave, I’m always praying you are safe and living normally. It’s okay to be happy without me. I’m relatively happy as well, most days. I’m much better in general. You’d be surprised, seeing me wearing colors and chatting with people and smiling often for no reason, really. I’m surprised when I see my reflection. I look so much friendlier and cheerful, a bit like you.”
Seongwoo was as grateful to Daniel as he was saddened by the traumatic events which had caused his loss. Thanks to Daniel forcing his way into his life and seducing him with colors, he could become a better person, someone much more normal and kinder. His new-found vitality for life and his improved personality were all thanks to the encounter and the painter’s efforts. He was mostly grateful for being able to experience colors which he’d longed for yet feared for the majority of his life. The wonderful colors faded but the feelings and the memories of those times lasted a life-time. Sometimes, his memory was so vivid that he fooled himself into thinking he was truly seeing in color.
Suddenly the old photo he was looking at seemed different. The Dark Grey 1 hoodie turned a cherry red. The Black 1 cap turned navy blue. Daniel’s wavy locks showed up that familiar dusty, golden highlighted light brown. His dark eyes became that warm, sweet chocolate color he had so immensely adored. Those intense, emotional eyes which could pierce right through his shields and hid nothing.
Seongwoo raised up his head with alarm, observing the surroundings of the café. It wasn’t his imagination. There were splashes of slowly spreading colors, for real. They were faint compared to what he’d experienced in the past, but they were definitely more vivid and rapidly spreading out compared to the past couple of times this happened.
He’s here. Daniel’s nearby. He must be extremely close if it’s this intense. From which way is he coming? Will he come in here? Or will he just pass by while walking along the road? Can he see me from the windows?
Seongwoo held his breath from his excitement mixed with anxiety. His jittery fingers clacked on the table, his head lifted high and swiveling like a meerkat. There was nothing alarming in the café and no one he recognized in the street from where he could see. There were enough people and plants that his seat in the middle of the room wouldn’t be easily spotted. Yet he was not comforted by this. Rather, he was annoyed.
Is he outside in the back? Or maybe he’s somewhere else in the same building? Maybe he’s on the second floor? Was there a basement floor for this cafe? Will he stop by here for a cup of iced americano soon?
Once a mono has grown used to and fallen in love with their probe, as it turns out, they could actually experience a faint color rush if they were within twenty meters. That was what one couple explained to him at a mono community party he’d once attended out of sheer curiosity. Over the years, this happened several times, as if fate was playing a cruel joke on them. They kept going to the same countries.
He never sought out Daniel. He didn’t know his SNS accounts even if he wanted to look him up to see how he was doing. But since he’d never forgotten him and some part of him was always craving for him, Seongwoo secretly wished that their telepathy would work.
Suddenly, Seongwoo would see colors around him, usually soft graduation patterns in splatters like when watercolors dripped on paper from a stained, wet brush. That’s how he knew that Daniel was nearby once more, luckily. He secretly loved when their telepathy worked, though he had no intention to talk to him.
One of those times, Seongwoo had searched him out instead of running or hiding. He’d followed the slowly moving waves of pastel colors and kept his distance, observing him from far away. He’d looked insanely good that day. As handsome as a model even from meters away. He seemed taller and bigger. He was more mature and dressed stylishly instead of like a college student. It seemed as if he’d been meeting with a client he was painting for, unless it was a friend interested in the arts as well.
If Daniel had any smelling effects caused from him being in the vicinity, he didn’t show it. He’d continued talking to his companion without a glance, totally unphased even when Seongwoo had been five meters away. Which lead Seongwoo to thinking this was a one-sided affect which only happened to mono, unfortunately.
He sort of wanted Daniel to sense he was here. To hear his telepathy and be looking for him. To think that Daniel still loved him and missed him too. But that was his sensitive romanticist side acting out on his loneliness, forever pining for the same man. Of course, it was best that Daniel didn’t attempt to seek him out or wait for him. It would be a shame to the rest of man-kind. He was such a suitable bachelor, the world’s greatest catch. Good-looking, funny, sweet, smart, attentive, talented, capable, and driven as well. He must have had people in his college fighting to be the next in line to date him after he became single.
After three years, he was probably happily involved with someone else, maybe even married. Maybe that person had helped him get over his horrible experience with his past lover. That made a lot more sense plus it was what was in his best interest.
Every time this occurred, Seongwoo told himself that he needed to leave that city, if not the country right away. Every time, gravity pulled him down, sticking his feet there like glue. He would linger around that city for a week or two longer than he’d planned, hoping crazily that Daniel would happen to come around where he was. That they still had a working telepathic connection. That there was some sort of mysterious pull from the bond they were destined to be born with.
He wanted to not be delusional in thinking that way. He wanted an excuse to keep thinking of, waiting, and wanting only that one person. He wanted all these things that he shouldn’t want and didn’t deserve to get. He was a spoiled, attached, hypocritical brat. One thing that was true about the world that it was difficult to control your strongest innermost desires.
Should I stay here to see if he comes? Should I go try to find him in case I miss him this time too? What should I say if we actually do meet? Should I just tell him I was wrong and that I’m still in love with him? Would we be able to go back to our happy relationship like when we first started dating?
Seongwoo shook his head, forcing his thoughts to stop. He had already told himself that it would be just that ONCE that he approached Daniel. He allowed himself that one moment of craziness out of pure curiosity, but he refused to go meet up with Daniel just because his heart was longing for him. They didn’t have the sort of pleasant, simple history where they could casually say ‘hello, how’ve you been, I’ve been well’ and then move on with the rest of their lives. Meeting would be awkward, if not trigger their feelings to resurface. It would be a mess either way.
The traveler decided he absolutely wouldn’t go see him. He certainly wouldn’t tell him any of that. But he also wasn’t going to leave this café just yet either. Today, he wanted to experience that warmth that he remembered when they’d been experimenting with yellow shades. He wasn’t going to deny what his heart wanted just because it was the right, rational thing to do. That was his miserable, stiff past self. He was a carefree, impulsive spirit now. It wouldn’t do any harm to enjoy this stolen moment of happiness with a quick walk down memory lane. It was just a bit of innocent fun.
He hugged himself while imagining first the feel of that hoodie draped around his shoulders, then of the even snugglier feeling of Daniel’s comforting, strong arms embracing the same area other times. He smiled sweetly while holding himself, basking in the joy of seeing colorful waves swirling the book-filled walls and luscious planters around him once more. How much happier he was when he could see colors, not just imagine them. They were so incredibly beautiful even at a mild intensity, making him think that he was glad to exist on Earth instead of other planets.
“I wish you’re happy, Niel, but then I also don’t want to let you go. Do you know that? I miss this and I love all our memories. They’re such healing and give me positive vibes. Even the bad things that happened couldn’t taint them with poison, as if they’re shielded in gleaming gold.
Do you feel the same? Probably not… I wish I was the person by your side recently, making you the happiest guy once more. Paying back for the happiness that you gave me with your teachings and kindness. I want to run to your arms when I’m the one who hurt you so many times. How contradictory and selfish I can be…”
He loved Daniel more intensely today than he seemed to feel on other days, so he couldn’t leave the café like he should to avoid a potential meeting. Although he wanted to tell him sorry in person for what he’d done, he couldn’t meet with him. It wasn’t the right time. He didn’t have the confidence as well he didn’t think that it was a good idea.
How could Daniel forgive him when he couldn’t fully forgive himself? How could they be together like that hadn’t happened? There were still days he had nightmares or flashbacks of Daniel being tied up, him not having any recollection of doing that. They weren’t those infatuated, naive fools anymore. They were scarred, heartbroken adults with some wistful memories of the good times when they didn’t know better.
Those darker memories and depressing thoughts were subtly washed away every moment they pricked his subconscious while silently observing the splotches of colors. Knowing that Daniel was here, experiencing those emotions colors caused warmed his heart like it was wrapped in a thick wool blanket. It was the most epic healing magic. He stayed in his chair, suntanning in sunshine rays of bliss in his own personal paradise.
I’ll never experience the sort of happiness that Daniel brought me no matter how many countries I travel to, will I? That’s such a shame. It was truly the golden period of my life which I stupidly cut short. At least someone taught me what it was like to be truly happy so that I could understand how pitiful I was living and make some improvements.
I can’t be that happy quite like that again, but I promise you that I’m trying. You would be praise me for that, wouldn’t you, Teacher? I’m fine, truly fine instead of lying that I’m fine, even though I’m alone, because at least I know that you’re still alive and well, even that we can be in the same area like this. I’m fine just able to be under the same sky and breathe the same air. You are still alive because I didn’t risk anything and thus more people in the world can know you and get healing from your wonderful personality and lifelike art.
That’s more than enough for a miserable, isolated, repenting monster like myself. Someday, I will have the courage to go to you and apologize for everything, especially leaving like that and hurting you. Someday, I will, I’m sure…
“But today does not appear to be that day.”
He’d been expecting what usually occurred. The decoloring would happen, meaning that Daniel had walked or driven away from him. After that, he would break down and cry, feeling an intense sense of loss and hopelessness at the same level of how he’d been excited and joyful before. When he realized how much he loved Daniel, it was crushing to accept that he had to live without him. It was more overwhelming than regular human partings, somehow. Mono just felt everything so much more, so a loss was harder to take.
He would feel this brief sense that he wanted to disappear because he couldn’t take that pain and the loneliness, but then there’d be this spark screaming at him from deep down that he needed to keep on living rather than take the cowardly way out. That he was a fighter and a survivor; that was his nature. Being born this way (as miserably unfortunate as it could be) was his destiny.
He deserved to stay alive, experiencing this pain and suffering. It was his self-inflicted punishment for not being able to control himself. For putting Daniel in danger though Daniel himself had done nothing but be nice and helpful. He’d brought this misery on himself completely. He wasn’t allowed to take the easy way out by killing himself.
He had always felt disgusted when bad people committed suicide instead of living their life repenting, attempting to be a better person and make up for their sinful deeds. He was determined to self-reflect and repent until he felt confident enough to apologize to Daniel in person, even if that would take a decade. Even if Daniel would be married with a houseful of kids by then. Even if he’d pretty much forgotten about him and that once nearly bottomless well of feelings had dried out.
He was still determined to do that because it was what that man deserved. It was what was right. The only reason he was also attempting to live somewhat happily was also for Daniel, because he knew that’s what Daniel wanted for him, being the foolishly good, selfless soul he was.
However, what he expected wasn’t happening. Instead of fading, the colors were becoming more vivid as time passed. At a rapid rate, as well. Now the entire café was in chocolate brown, Irish cream, tan, and soft mint colors. That meant that Daniel was coming closer instead of passing by.
While cursing himself for being so stupid, Seongwoo hurriedly gathered his things, planning to escape. On his way to the door less than a minute later, he spotted a tall, now platinum blonde, bulky man in a semi-formal suit which fit his tall frame on the other side of the door. He was just about to open it.
“Shit,” the brunette cursed, looking around frantically for another exit.
The only other door he spotted was the bathroom, but that was actually closer to the door. Daniel was already coming inside, laughing at something while holding the door for someone behind him, likely to be a client considering they were quite old and poshly dressed. That adorable husky, dorky laugh that made him melt as if he were made of butter and left outside in the sun.
As he attempted to sneak quiet and swift as the wind to the bathroom (he never wished he was actually invisible more than at this moment), Daniel’s head turned straight at him. It was as if their brains contained the north and south poles of a magnet. They were drawn to each other just like that day on the bridge above the river. Daniel looked straight at him and Seongwoo stupidly looked directly at his eyes when he sensed that Daniel was gazing at him curiously.
Daniel’s dark chocolate covered almond eyes widened in surprise when his suspicion turned out to be correct. The person that seemed to match his recollection of Seongwoo was indeed THAT Seongwoo. Of course, he’d never imagined that Seongwoo would be traveling the world, let alone happen to be in the same city of the same country he was in at the same exact time.
Daniel, however, didn’t believe in things like coincidences. He only believed in impeccable timing which was created by the hands of the creator, or in other words ‘fate’ or ‘destiny’. He just KNEW that he was going to see Seongwoo again due to the fact they were soulmates, which was why he didn’t go searching for the person who didn’t want to be found.
He figured when Seongwoo missed him terribly and was ready to see him, then the timing would click together like puzzle pieces. There’d be some sort of sign, like today he’d been searching for a place to meet and for some reason, he’d happened upon this café which just seemed perfect. Actually, as soon as he’d gotten a glance inside, he’d thought of Seongwoo and ‘poof’ he appeared, like magic.
The professional painter was so stunned by the uncanny encounter that he figured he was imagining things. However, in his dreams, Seongwoo never looked like a frightened mouse and attempted to scamper into a bathroom to avoid detection. It was too late for him to run. Daniel had already seen his face and the color rush was in affect.
Seongwoo stumbled, holding onto the wall as the effects hit him. It had been so long that he almost passed out. It had taken around about fifty color rush experiences to stop fainting back then. He jerked his head away from Daniel’s stunned, mesmerized gaze. He felt embarrassed, bashful, and unprepared.
Daniel was even with people. This wasn’t the place for them to have a reunion. He didn’t even know how to put his feelings into words. He was likely hideous and silly seeming too. His impulse was simply to run, as quick as he could manage. With the hope that Daniel would believe he’d seen wrong. It was not the least bit pretty, the way he stumbled while clawing the wall, gasping for breath and wincing from the pain in his head. It probably looked like someone becoming a zombie, seeing as how people screamed and jumped away like he was grotesque.
This pretty, goofy guy. Does he really think I won’t chase after him? That I wouldn’t have recognized him istantly or that I wouldn’t want to talk to him?
I don’t care about some clients. They’re a dime in a dozen. But Seongwoo, you’re a diamond in miles of sand. I won’t miss this chance for anything or anyone. Even an earthquake couldn’t stop me. Of course, I’m going to leave them to go after you.
I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for three years. I stared at your photos for hours every day for months after you left so that I would be able to see you in a crowd even as a mere speck. I refuse to let you slip through my fingers, not then or now. You can run and you can hide, but I’ll always find you. Somehow, someway. No-one in the universe can possibly beat me in persistence.
“I’ll be a few minutes. If you don’t wish to wait, I understand. I need to talk to someone.”
After saying this to the man he had come with, he dashed out the door. Seongwoo was quick considering he was barely able to walk in the muddled state he was in from the color rush. Apparently, being out of practice was almost as hard on the body as his first time. He was moving by sheer willpower. It must be painful.
“Are you that scared of me? Seongwoo, stop! Before you fall and hit your head. I’m not going to bite.”
Daniel caught up a minute after chasing him through the crowded, shop-lined alleys, holding him by the wrist. Seongwoo paused in mid step, sort of looking like the emergency exit sign. If Daniel wasn’t so overcome with emotions, he might have laughed.
It was so freaking good to see his lover. He couldn’t begin to describe how happy he was. And so incredibly relieved.
Seongwoo was alive and he looked like he’d been actually living extremely well. He’d grown out his hair and dyed it a soft, mousy brown. It fell in gentle waves at the sides of his forehead, making him look so pretty and approachable. He was wearing colors, fashionable as ever but not as chic and neat seeming. He wasn’t as slender and he no longer had dark circles under his eyes, suggesting that he was eating and sleeping better than before. How worried Daniel had been that Seongwoo would waste away while suffering from guilt and loneliness, that he would be unfairly punishing himself and living even less happily than before.
There were a million things to say popping to the front of his mind. Daniel chose the one that had many ambiguous meanings in it that Seongwoo could surely read into.
“Did you eat?”
To Koreans, this said a lot more under the surface. It was a greeting as well as it showed concern. Are you eating well? Are you living well? Are you healthy? Are you happy? I care for your well being and I miss you. It implied all of these at once with little waste of air.
“Hmm.”
Seongwoo’s answer was simple and cute. A tiny little hum followed by a subtle nod. Even from the back some distance away, Daniel could tell that the man felt bashful and awkward. His ears and neck were strawberry colored and the tension stretched all the way to his arm.
“If you hadn’t eaten, I was going to suggest we eat something.”
“You came with someone. Don’t you have business to at—”
Seongwoo broke off with a gasp. Daniel had tugged on his arm when he was off guard. Since there wasn’t a lot of tension in his body, he spun and fell forward. He was caught by a firm chest. Daniel was smiling crookedly but it was somehow more boyishly sweet than mischievous.
“There’s no business more important than you. Let me attend to that first. I’m sorry to come across so forward but I can’t hold myself back. Doesn’t this feel familiar?”
The chest under his hands rumbled as Daniel chuckled deep in his throat.
“You couldn’t possibly have been…Daniel…” Seongwoo’s voice was suspicious, his eyebrows diving down and his bow lips frowning.
The blonde raised his hands up to press at those areas to loosen. “I didn’t follow you anywhere. You told me not to. I listened. And I’ve been waiting for you. Like a good puppy.”
“Waiting? For what? You shouldn’t. I told you NOT to do that, specifically…”
“Did you? Even if you did, I wouldn’t have believed that part. I was sure that you wanted me to stay single and wait for you to come to your senses. I mean, sort through your emotions. You know, I didn’t allow you to leave me. I don’t consider us broken up. I simply gave you space because it’s what you needed and what was best for us. We both had growing up and thinking to do so I deliberately didn’t search for you. I’ve been trusting in our sincere love and waiting for you to come back to me, as a more mature and confident, otherwise irresistibly attractive person. Which it seems happened. Look at you! You’re stunning and lovely. An absolute dream come true, so soft and beautiful~”
Seongwoo found himself traveling back in time, swept up in the excessive compliments and obvious adoration Daniel poured on him. Especially the electrifying touches. It felt like taking a shower in sunshine and rainbows. Literally, while he was spun around like a ballerina, he could see a small part of a rainbow in a cloudy area of the sky above the western part of Buenos Aires, where it must have rained.
“I’m not that different. It’s just my clothes and hair.”
“Hmm, I think it’s more than that. Your aura itself is different. More positive and carefree, am I sensing?”
“I’m not on your level, but yes I guess that’s true. I try to think pleasant things like Piglet instead of being like the mopey, ‘woe is me’ Eeyore. Is this better?”
Seongwoo slowed to a stop facing the younger who now seemed by appearances and his expensive, classy vibe to be older than him. He raised his head, sparkly kitten eyes seeming nervous of his answer. As if to say ‘you don’t like me like this?’
Daniel’s smile was blinding, turning his sharp, intimidating features more like the harmless cutie he’d been in the past.
“Of course, I like them both, but I am crazy for whatever version in front of me the most. That’s what you wanted to hear, right? I did well, right? Praise me~”
He dropped his head down, tilting it so the round crown and the tiny hole amongst the lush locks was visible. He wanted Seongwoo to pet him like they had in the past when Seongwoo treated him like a puppy. It was so like the Daniel he knew to remove the tension and awkwardness in the atmosphere by joking around and being physical at any opportunity he discovered.
“You’re still a weirdo…” Seongwoo murmured after a faint giggle, his fingers pressing to his instep as if to press a cap on his feelings before reaching up to gently stroke his hair.
“I’m only a weirdo to you, hyung…” Daniel caught his wrist and brought it to his nose. Seongwoo bit his lip and held back a groan just barely as Daniel inhaled his skin. It was mind blowingly sensual just like in the perfume store, on top of the fact he hadn’t been touched by anyone intimately since he the night he left Daniel. His blood boiled from the flashbacks of intimacy. The painter had the most delicate hands.
“Don’t make it sound like you’re mine. The person you’re with now wouldn’t like that.”
Seongwoo tugged off his hand. Daniel was a gentleman so he let him go. Flushing from head to toe, Seongwoo absently rubbed his tingling wrist while staring at Daniel’s black dress shoes.
“You should be happy now. Be happy with someone normal and be safe. I told you to just forget about me…”
“I haven’t been with anyone and I won’t be. I was serious about what I said earlier. I never considered us broken up since I didn’t agree to it. Just for your information. If you happened to be wondering, thinking silly things and hating me on your own.
I haven’t forgotten you nor given up on you because I have no intention to. You were asking me to do the impossible anyway. I’m doing okay, but I’m not happy. I’m satisfied with my life except there’s this one chunk missing that’s always bothering me.
If you want me to be truly happy, hyung, you have to come back. I believe that you will to, so I’m holding out like a fortress. When you’re ready to discuss a future together, I’m here with arms wide open. I swear that I will wait until then, no matter the years.
In fact, my apartment is still there with the same password, which is your birthday. Since I’m grateful that you were born even if no one else is, even yourself. Because you made me the happiest person alive. I wanted you to know that. There’s a person who will never, ever abandon you even if you leave and run away.
You know me best, right? I’m naïve to the point of being foolish. I’m stupidly loyal. I’m unbelievably stubborn and I’m also as patient as a saint. Just like in the story of Hachiko, I will be waiting for you there every month. Until I’m frail and balding.”
When Seongwoo thought of that story, he became saddened. The thought of how that stupidly loyal dog was all alone in the cold, waiting for the master that abandoned him, until he’d died made tears sting his eyes. His lips and hands quivered when he recalled how it felt thinking that you were abandoned by those who supposedly loved you, those who you wished to be with, wondering what you had done wrong, what you could do to get them to come back somehow.
He swallowed the burning lump choking his throat as he made a life-altering choice: he couldn’t let that happen to Daniel.
Daniel was even more foolish than he’d given him credit for, waiting in that apartment for him to come back and not giving any normal person a chance to love him in his place and heal all his wounds. That giant stubborn fool was his responsibility to care for then, since it didn’t seem like they were able to stop loving each other anytime soon.
There was no point in wasting their entire lives apart if they only wanted to be with each other. Seongwoo believed in doing things that made sense while also bringing happiness. He wasn’t happy to stay away from Daniel and it seemed that Daniel wasn’t happy without him either. A whole three years completely apart hadn’t dulled the intensity of their feelings a centimeter. Things hadn’t worked out as he’d planned, but rather as that evil, selfish part of him had been hoping for. Daniel wasn’t happy without him and so he couldn’t hate him, nor could he stay away from him any longer.
Seongwoo silently hugged the desperate, on the verge of a break down man around the shoulders. Daniel held his waist and pressed his forehead eagerly to his shoulder. A hint of wetness rubbed along his neck on the way, suggesting Daniel had teared up as well while he wasn’t looking at him. As expected, the mutt was a giant softie with more bark than bite.
“Okay, Daniel. Okay. You win. Your persistence wins me over again. I promise that I will come see you there soon. I need a bit more time. When I’ve fully forgiven myself and when I’m ready to try things out with us again, I’ll go there. I’ll wait for you if you’re not there at the time. I also want to say…I love you. A lot. Only you, this whole time and I’m sure always. I don’t even want to try to love anyone else. There’s only you or no-one for me. I love you…”
Daniel pulled back, holding Seongwoo’s damp cheek. Seongwoo was embarrassed to show his face which must be full of redness, tears, and raw emotions, spilling all his secrets.
“I regret that. Not telling you I loved you directly. That’s probably what made you feel so insecure and jealous. I regret a lot of things. I want to tell you everything and how it was more my fault than yours that you became unstable, that I know exactly how we can assure that it doesn’t happen again. I’ve done so much research in my free time, meeting mono-probe couples for consultation and thinking.
This time we will have the perfect relationship because I’m more mature and I understand everything that went wrong before as well as how we can date healthily. Anyway, I’m rambling. I love you, too. So, so unbearably much. I loved you from the moment we locked eyes in the park. My love only grew in the time that we’re apart. To colossal amounts.
Which is why I couldn’t possibly let you just disappear today. When my prayers had finally been answered. Finally, I could see you and tell you some things I’ve been wanting to. I love you more than there’s stars in the sky or drops of water in the ocean or particles in the air. I love you, Ong Seongwoo, more than any human can possibly love another human. And I’m going to be the best boyfriend specifically designed for your needs, the most amazing, special person.”
The lines made him so bashful that Seongwoo didn’t know what to do with himself. His heart was racing and his face was so feverish that he felt dizzy. Even without the words shooting cupid’s arrows at his hearts from a canon, those sincere, adoring, molten lava eyes were making every lingering defense, restraint, and negative thought in his body melt away. After four years, Daniel had succeeded. He’d broken that chic, rational man down completely and dissolved the darkness with his cheerful, burning sunlight of a personality.
“Impossible flirt, always going overboard, aigoo!” Seongwoo playfully chastised him with a large, shy smile.
“You know what I mean though, right?”
“Yeah, I get what you mean. Under those greasy lines. I get it, completely.”
“Then, come here, Beautiful.”
Daniel placed his hand on the nape of Seongwoo’s neck, leaning in while looking down at his mouth. Seongwoo leaned in a mere inch closer because he wanted to but his rebellious spirit kicked in. He never had liked or allowed Daniel to do whatever he wanted.
He threatened lightly, “Don’t order me around. I’m still your hyung.”
The blonde smirked and snorted in amusement. It was good to see that his lover still had that fiery spunk, possibly more than before now that he was an adventurer and been influenced by foreigners. He couldn’t wait to find out all the other ways in which Seongwoo had changed. He suspected he’d fall even more hopelessly in love with him by the minute, once they were able to spend some time together.
“Excuse me. Please come here, my dearest hyung,” he coaxed in a sweet, polite manner.
Seongwoo’s wavy lips were as smug as they were attractive. “That’s better. Asking nicely is the way to get what you want.”
In despite of their light banter, the entire moment of their lips meeting after three years was a touching one like the end of melodramas. Both pairs of brown eyes were shimmering with tears which would soon add to the streaks on their cheeks. The pastel, elegantly designed buildings of Argentina along with the breeze, the purple flowers, and the bright blue of the sky were their backdrop. No scenery could possibly be more fitting for that gorgeous couple.
Their kisses were bittersweet, just like their hundreds of memories. Yet, due to the promise of a happy future together, they were softer and sweeter than ever.
END NOTES
Thank you for reading up to the final chapter. It’s been a rough time dealing with some personal things and taking family trips and such but I’m finally getting this up, better late than never. Yay, I managed to finish another story woohoo~ *pats self on back* I’m always wondering when I’m writing if I’ll be able to finish and post to the end, somehow I pull it off.
Sorry that I had to make you all a bit sadder before the happy (?) reunion could flood in (dunno if you can exactly call it that, it’s meant to be bittersweet but hopeful). I know it’s not the most perfect fairytale sort of ending but I felt that it made sense and was touching this way, more open ending with hope that they will be happily together in the near future, back at their shared home (Daniel’s old place) once more for the right reasons, being more mature and sincere in their relationship this time around. Personally, I’m satisfied with it considering the whole story was a mix of heavy and fluff and they’re so complicated too. Complicated ending for a complicated rs with a complicated bunch of dudes.
Well, it’s better than having them separated but pining for each other forever, right? That was my original direction, but I felt halfway through like it’s too heavy and sad though I also think that makes sense with their situation. I decided instead that Ong is a good person so he deserves to be happy unlike what so many writers do to him in scripts haha. I should be nicer than them, right? This is about as happy of an ending as it gets from what I can imagine haha.
I promise that my imagining is that they wouldn’t have any more toxic / violent issues in their rs in the future, it’s a nearly perfect rs just like how Daniel’s aunt and uncle are but that’s because of their efforts, being careful, taking advice and being fully open and honest with each other, not like some magical fix from the break-up. They needed time and space to think and mature was all. Daniel’s aunt didn’t let him in on their own struggles when they were younger since she didn’t want to burden their new rs and make them paranoid since she thought their situation could be different but she let them know and helped later. I don’t think there’s any such thing as a naturally perfect, problem free rs, those that seem that way are all built over years of struggling and learning and growing together. I bet that would be even more so with a mono-probe rs.
This was a fun, very different story to write that I had in my head since I watched the drama Color Rush. I was amazed by the ideas in that world as well as I loved the sort of comical, sensual, emotional, angsty, push-pull rs of the two main characters. They had so much chemistry, depth, and this intense bond yet they’re also so cute at the same time. I liked to see how the probe helped the mono change and improve their quality of life so much more. I loved their intricate bonds and the supernatural pull like they just can’t seem to resist even though they know it’s wrong. I tried to amplify that and make it a sort of mutual change/improvement with these characters by giving Daniel his own disability and having Ong be even more so a miserable loner. So, it’s a stronger bond and more emotional. I think that these characters are more likable and you really root for them to be happy together because they complete each other.
If you don’t think so, I’m sorry T.T Probably clumsy delivery ruining a good idea. I tried my best with it but it’s indeed a heavy, complicated sort of story. I haven’t ever attempted a story quite like this which mixes fantasy, an alternative world and is quite heavy and potentially controversial. I think the closest I came to that was Escape and H.O.T but this involves a unique disability and violence/sort of toxic rs. It’s a first to attempt to tackle and I’m not sure I handled it delicately enough, seeing as the violent chapter didn’t get any comments. Hope I didn’t offend or make anyone hate my characters to the point you stopped reading, but if you felt uncomfortable and/or conflicted, that was also intentional. Since that is also how I felt when watching that drama.
I like to challenge myself and write some sort of story where the rs and the characters aren’t perfect yet they’re still better together than not. Mixing angst with fluff, throwing in some spiciness and comedy here and there. I don’t know if it’s my forte but I think that I don’t completely suck at it? Escape and HOT are stories I personally like and am proud of, so I reread them on my own time. I think I will feel this way about this story too while rereading it later on. It’s dark and heavy sometimes but I think that’s emotional and beautiful. Just like that drama. Again, I highly recommend it and the book translation too, the book is even better (the characters there are even more so like ongniel than in the drama, spicier, funnier, and flirtier). I can’t explain it well even when I trye, but there’s just something I love about it.
Thanks for reading my stories all these years. Always appreciate, esp those who are brave enough to say something in the comment section nor my dms. No need to thank me, I’m just writing out all my leftover ideas cus writing is my hobby and stress reliever plus I still love this submarine ship, I’m a loyal sort, I was never writing cus they were popular so I wouldn’t stop writing just cus people moved on to other active ships. I’m not sure if or when I will write for this ship again since I’m currently out of ideas. But if I get an idea and have some time, of course I will try to write something, probably one or two shots. I have an idea to write a spin-off of WYLACOC but I won’t write it until the drama is done because I want to connect directly to the plot and have similar vibes and characters. It’s been truly amazing so far, even better than I expected. I knew I would love it, so I def want to write a spin-off with Gobi and maybe Euigun instead of using Daniel, maybe small cozy town in the countryside instead of the city like more hometown cha feels.
To my fellow scientists and long-time readers: Thank you, I love you, and take care always. I wish you tons of health and happiness wherever you go, whoever you like, whatever your hobbies are if they swerve, even if we don’t see each other again. My twt is always open and I’m there every day so follow me, interact, send messages, visit me, whatever if you miss me or want to stay in touch. I don’t bite, I love to chat and share things, you can even discuss/recommend dramas, prompts and stories with me. I’ll even consider prompt requests if there’s something you want to see that doesn’t exist or you think you’ll do well. As long as you don’t mind me tweeting about other artists besides ongniel on occasion. Find me at : NuuGuSeYONGE
Goodbye for now. See you sometime this year or early next year! (edit: I suddenly had an idea for one shot I’ve been working on this week, guilty of putting the update off cus I was excited to finally have an idea)
<3 Raina XOXO