Chapter Text
now what, says the traveler as albedo and sucrose drag kaeya away.
a good question, says zhongli. in the past, i might have given you a very specific answer, but
i didn’t mean specifically, says the traveler. i meant why the fuck are we still here.
i still need staff, says xiangling. if you’re really at a loss for what to do, you can keep working here.
wait, says ningguang. if the restaurant was a construct of the contract and the time loop, why is it still here after the loop has been broken?
they all turn and look at the mcdiluc’s. it is a completely normal mcdiluc’s. squashed right next to the ministry of civil affairs in the swankiest part of liyue harbor. people are staring.
ah yes a perfectly legitimate establishment, says zhongli. it appears that since xiangling was not part of the time loop, her presence in the mcdiluc’s has caused it to become tethered to teyvat. although why it has manifested in this particular location is unclear.
why is it still named that, says diluc.
you know what, says the traveler, i’m sick of people pronouncing shit zhjonglee and kaching. going to start calling you dieLUCK.
why, says diluc.
hey! says some random northland bank man. you can’t build a new… whatever this is here, this is feiyun slope! you have to p
ah, says the traveler. the real reason why the mcdiluc’s still exists is because coincidences that make your characters’ lives harder are better than coincidences that make them easier.
the random northland bank man continues to say angry cishet things.
hey, everything is accounted for, says beidou. this is a surprise for all of liyue harbor: chef xiangling’s new restaurant!
none of the forms have been submitted, says the random bank man.
not to worry, says beidou, i’m sure ningguang here will take care of all the necessary paperwork.
beidou, says ningguang. do you even know how hard it is to allow a new business to open in this city. it takes months of waitlisting and bureaucracy even in chihu rock, let alone feiyun slope. i believe no new business has opened in feiyun slope for the past seventy years.
this is correct, says zhongli.
see, says the bank man. now get your stupid greasy… mcdildos or whatever its called off this street.
what the fuck did you just call my restaurant, says xiangling. she draws her spear. it is made of condensed fish souls. zhongli noticeably backs away from her.
beidou reluctantly stops her from committing a justified homicide.
see, there is no precedent for something like this, says ningguang. the paperwork alone would take months at least. and that’s not even considering how we would appease those who have been waiting in line for years, or those from already established businesses like the b
venti grabs the bank man with a gust of wind and lifts him, screaming, back up to the entrance to northland bank.
there’s that problem solved, he says.
but the paperwork, says ningguang.
here, says yanfei. she grabs a stack of paper out of the air from where she has been impatiently waiting for zhongli to finish writing on it, and retrieves her huge legal book to general sounds of discontent from said former rock archon. xingqiu is also helping, but only verbally, because yanfei took one look at his handwriting and refused to let him closer than two meters to what turns out to be a massively long, meticulously termed and loophole-proof contract.
i was not finished, says zhongli. section forty eight item k has a vague term that must be corrected. if you could allow me five more m
just sign wherever it says to sign, says yanfei. there should only be a few. right?
…, says zhongli. a few is a relative term. whatever number of signatures is necessary to legitimize the contract is the number that should be req
how many signature lines did you put in you stupid contract-happy dragon, says yanfei.
there is one on page three, says zhongli, one on page nineteen, one on page twenty two,
just come here and point them out, says yanfei. xiangling probably also needs to sign this. we can draw up a different set of forms for future employment.
ningguang signs her name. many, many times. xiangling also signs many times.
wait, says xingqiu, don’t we need witnesses
zhongli produces a ready-made witness list form whatever thing out of thin air. he fills in all the necessary information.
hm. what name should i use on the contract, says zhongli. i have a great many names, though in this day and age, i tend to go b
just fucking sign it, says beidou, already signing her name.
everything is signed. ningguang shakes out her hands and grudgingly heads to the yuehai pavilion to file everything. beidou waves at xingqiu and xiangling and trails after her.
the contract is fulfilled, says zhongli. my duty is completed. he goes to leave but xiangling threatens him with the fish souls spear and he stops. why, he says.
put the hat back on, says xiangling. you work here. traveler could you please get xiao as well.
yes, says the traveler. they take the plate of slime-free delicious almond tofu from xiangling and vanish. ten seconds later they walk back down the road towards the mcdiluc’s dragging a certain edgy adeptus behind them.
why am i here, says xiao. i am finally free of the endless loop. i must return to my duties as a guardian of liyue.
your duties are here, says xiangling. you two work here now.
no we don’t, says xiao.
you signed a contract, says xiangling. you must fulfill it or you will. uhh.
suffer the wrath of the rock, says guoba.
suffer the wrath of the rock, says xiangling.
pogchamp, says guoba.
we didn’t sign a contract, says xiao.
…, says zhongli.
...we didn’t sign a contract right, says xiao. right. oh for fuck’s sake. what the fuck. what the fuck. are you kidding me
zhongli manifests the contract he drew up and signed in approximately 0.25 seconds after diluc put the hat on his head in chapter one.
this is a legally binding, legitimate contract, says yanfei, looking it over. i see no loopholes.
what the FUCK, says xiao. what is WRONG with you. xiangling digs out another hat and puts it on his head and steers him towards the drive-through station.
it is my contract, says zhongli.
fuck you, says xiao. i. hold on xiangling can i see your spear.
sure, says xiangling. xiao takes the fish spear.
the catch, a polearm weapon that can be obtained and refined via the inazuma fishing association, says zhongli. The favored barbed spear of a famous Inazuman bandit. It was originally a harpoon used to catch fish, but it was also very handy in battle. They say that he even pierced the enchanted, sword-armed puppet before c
i feel the sins of this spear crawling upon my back...., says xiao. so much darkness is contained in this weapon… so much needless death and destruction. its forging has brought you dangerously close to the precipice of monstrosity. what could you have sacrificed to create it
two weeks of my life, says xiangling, spent killing the stupid electro mage in the stupid electrified water. for some purple fish. for this fish spear. help.
i hate fish, says zhongli.
what have the fish ever done to you, says venti.
two centuries of my life, says zhongli, going door to door ridding this harbor of their slimy presence,
ah yes i remember that one time childe made you his specialty dish and you fucking stabbed it with your polearm and broke the table and the floor of the restaurant and he had to pay for the repairs, says the traveler.
i, says zhongli, ok look,
shut the fuck up or i’ll stab you with this fish spear, says xiao. zhongli shuts the fuck up.
such power is contained in this spear, says xiao, as expected of something that required such sacrifice and toil. rock endures but the sea erodes. i will remember this for the future.
anyway diluc you’re fired, says xiangling. she takes her polearm back from xiao and shoves him into the drive through station seat.
thank you, says diluc. he takes off his hat. he leaves.
please fire me, says xiao into the drive through microphone. no, says xiangling.
one would also like to be ‘fired’, say the chicken nuggets. no, says xiangling.
firing me would break the terms of my contract, says zhongli. yep, says xiangling. hitting paying customers with rocks would also break the contract.
i see, says zhongli.
but if you just threaten to hit them…, says xiangling,
one fears for the health of these defenseless mortals, say the chicken nuggets. xingqiu feeds chongyun another chicken nugget.
why am i still here, says the traveler. they vanish.
【𝔐】
i will have (an) order: act i complete
rocks fall kaeya dies
———— ∞ ————
quest completed
•.° to be continued °.•