Chapter Text
I feel the couch behind me and I sit down. I then, still without opening my eyes, lay down and bury my head into the couch. “Are you going to sleep?”
“Mhm” I hum into the couch. I feel someone sink into the couch next to me. Then I felt a hand rubbing up and down the side of my arm. I shuffled a bit more towards the touch and the person who was rubbing my arm up and down pulled me into their lap.
“Do you want a blanket?” At this point I don’t even know who’s talking to me, I know my hand hurts, I have a headache from crying, my face hurts from dragging my nails against it, and the person's arm is still rubbing mine up and down.
I nod and a few moments later I feel myself getting covered by a blanket. The person moved their arm from mine into my arm, then started to run their hand through my hair. I lean into the touch a bit more. This felt nice.
When I woke up it was dark in the room. I sit up and look around. I could see outlines of people but couldn’t see the actual people. Whoever was by my head when I fell asleep was still there. I sit up gently so as to not wake them up, and I stumble through the darkness to the bathroom. I get in and close the door. Flipping on the light for the second time I looked in the mirror.
Long claw marks from my own nails ran down my face, and it had peeled away skin, dried blood around them. This was going to leave a scar and this was not just something that can be hidden easily. Jesus fuck.
I reached into my pants pocket and pulled out my phone, checking the time but ignoring my notifications. It was 7:08am. I put my phone back and look away from the mirror.
After actually using the restroom I go up the stairs, careful not to wake anyone up. I found my way to the kitchen but it wasn’t empty. Mrs. Puffy was standing in the kitchen messing with the coffee maker. At the sound of footsteps he turns to me.
“Hello Quackity, are you alright?” She asks me looking at my face. She turns towards the sink, grabbing a rag and wetting it before walking over to me and wiping the dried blood off my face, something I hadn’t bothered to do.
“I’m fine, just got upset last night and kind of lost it.” I tell her and I show her my hand wrapped in bandages. She laughs slightly and puts the rag in the sink.
“Let me guess, I need to pay to get another wall fixed?” She asked and I felt my face blush as I nodded. “Not the first time dear.” She looks at my other hand and sees the ring. “Is that Karl’s old ring?” She asks me and again I nod.
“It’s a bit big for me.” I tell her and she looks me in the eyes before she walks out of the kitchen, returning not even a minute later. What is up with this lady?
“Can I see it?” She asks softly and I nod, taking it off and handing it to her. She takes it and puts it on a necklace chain, then walks behind me putting it on my neck. She closed it and walked back around so she was looking at me in the eyes. “Looks perfect.” She smiles and turns back to the coffee maker. “Do you drink coffee?”
“Sometimes yes.” And she holds up two mugs, as if asking me if I want coffee and I nod again as I put my hand against the necklace around my neck. She pours me a cup then points and leads me over to the island in the kitchen where we both sit.
“Where did you guys go last night?” She asks me. I explained to her where we went and what we found. “You found the notebook? Was George right? Did it have things about you?”
“It had a whole list of reasons why he loved me.” I tell her and she smiles. “I guess everyone was right. He was in love with me.” She laughs as I say that.
“You didn’t realize that? He cared for you so much.” She tells me and I hear footsteps. I turn towards the sound and I see Wilbur, Niki and Eret. Niki and Eret were holding hands with each other.
“Good morning.” Wilbur mumbles and he turns toward the fridge to find food. I look back at Mrs. Puffy but she just gave me a soft smile before standing up.
The rest of the morning was just spent getting everyone up slowly, eating breakfast and then watching Family Guy on the TV in the basement. I sat with Wilbur right next to me, his head on my shoulder. On the other side of him were George and Dream, cuddling together. Both Niki and Eret were on bean bag chairs in front of us, still holding hands.
“Oh shit I have to go soon, it is Christmas Eve after all.” I say looking at the clock on the wall. It was getting close to 1pm. Wilbur sits up so he isn’t leaning his head on my shoulder anymore. We still hadn’t talked about what happened the other night, but I was too scared to bring it up.
“Hey Quackity before we drop you off I want to give you something.” George tells me, he stood up and walked over to the kitchen area of the basement, digging around in a cupboard before walking over to me. He holds out a nicely wrapped gift.
“I didn’t get you anything.” I tell him quickly and he rolls his eyes, forcing the small box into my hands. I take it and carefully unwrap it. Inside were two small things. One was a photo in a frame and one was a small key.
The photo was all of us eating taco bell in the back of the truck, Wilbur the only one missing from it so he probably took it. I then looked at the key, it looked like a house key.
“That’s an extra house key, to this house I mean.” George tells me and I look up at him. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as I stared up at him.
“You barely know me and you’re giving me a key? Why?” I ask him and he laughs slightly.
“Because we do know you. Karl told us about you and Quackity, we want you to feel like you have a family. You do have a family with us.” George tells me.
“Here wait, I have an idea.” Wilbur says and he reaches for the back of my neck. He grabs the chain and unhooks it, taking the key from my hand and looping it through. He puts it back on my neck so the ring and the key both sit right next to my collar bone. I liked how the metal felt against my skin, it was somewhat calming.
“Come on, I’ll take you home. Wilbur, am I good to borrow the truck?” George asks and he nods. He grabs Wilbur’s keys and we walk towards the basement door. Right before we leave, George stops, turns around and grabs Karl’s notebook before handing it to me. “It’s only fair if you get to read it first.” He tells me and he leads me back outside. We hop in the truck and drive in silence for a while, George just looking at the road while I looked at the notebook. We pull up to my house. “Have a good Christmas Quackity.” He tells me as I hop out.
“You too George, and thank you.” I smile and close the door. I make it up to the house and once inside I see Schlatt and Fundy on the couch watching a movie.
“Hey Quackity, how was your night? Wait what happened to your face and your hand?” Schlatt asks me. I shrug, he stares at me and then looks at the notebook that was still in my hands. “What do you have there? And is that a new necklace?”
“It’s a notebook, and yeah it is. This is Karl’s old ring that we found and a house key to George’s house.” I say reaching down to hold up the necklace so they could see it a bit better. I didn’t want to explain how I lost it the night before so I avoided the previous questions, not like they totally cared anyway.
“Oh I remember that ring.” Fundy says fondly, smiling softly. Schlatt looks at Fundy then back at me. “What?” Fundy asks him.
“You got a house key from someone you met 72 hours ago?” He asks me and I nod. “Quackity I don’t like that one bit, you need to give it back.” I shake my head. I start to walk towards the kitchen. “Quackity, please don’t ignore me.” Schlatt calls after me. I turn around to look at him.
“Why can’t you just be happy for me?” I ask him and he looks at me.
“Quackity, please don’t fight with me today, it’s Christmas Eve.” I roll my eyes and I turn back around and start to head towards the stairs instead of the kitchen. “Where are you going?”
“You don’t want me to fight with you so I shouldn’t be around you!” I yell at Schlatt as I walk up to my room and I close the door. I sit on my bed and open up the notebook.
I remember learning how to swim. I was 8 years old, my first time without a life jacket in the pool. I was using a water board when my brother came under the water and grabbed it from me. I immediately went down. I felt the water fill up my nose and when I yelled it just let more water in. I couldn't get to the surface, it felt so far away.
I remember how tight my chest felt, like I would never breathe a breath of fresh air ever again. And to this day my chest still feels the same way. The only thing making me feel okay is his love. Without my love for him everyone looks at me, their stares dragging me down.
They drag me deeper into this hole that I have built for myself and the surface feels so far. I can't get to it. This hole is too deep but I can't seem to put down the shovel. I let the dirt cover me and I panic when I realize it is ash. The few moments of comfort are gone.
And in loosing my comfort I have lost all feelings. I let myself feel nothing, letting every part of me slip away. I do not feel pain, I do not feel sadness, I do not feel joy, I do not feel happiness, I forget how to smile. Instead I plaster on this face that falls apart as soon as the camera is off.
I try to teach myself what is real and what is not but it is hard. So many conflicting words fill my ears, telling me that I am worth nothing yet worth the world at the same time. I can not recognize who is being honest and who is telling yet another lie. I let every word consume me in hopes that I can try and decipher what it means.
These words become my home, I build the walls out of each cheerful message but sleep in a bed made of slurs. I wait for someone to come wake me but when they do not I do not leave my bed. I let myself sink into the black hole of self loathing. And when I do, I do not take care of myself. I do not eat, I do not shower, I do not sleep. I can't sleep.
I stare at the ceiling, letting my mind wander to the questions that I do not speak aloud. Who would attend my funeral? Who would cry the most? Who would find me? What if I never existed in the first place? Would people be happier? Would he still be alive?
I have been told I am the reason for his death. The words, your fault, have been used too often for me to ignore. And for that I am still punishing myself. I try to apologize but no one can hear you when you are dead. Until I get to the afterlife I will not be able to be heard.
I wish he could hear me. I wish those alive could hear me. I wish my voice mattered. I wish I was important enough for those to care. They say they care but yet I always seem to be the one who cares more. I worry more, I remind them to take care of themselves more. I give them dirt so they can get out of their hole, and I don't think they understand that within that I have dug my hole deeper down.
I will give them everything that I have until I am left with nothing but the clothes on my back and the breath of air in my lungs. That is until the breath is gone and is replaced with water and I try to get back to the surface. And when I do, I will try to swim and catch my breath. But then I remember, I was trying to learn how to swim.
I put the notebook down, trying my best not to cry at the words.
I knew a lot about Karl but I didn’t know this. I put the notebook on the nightstand, laying down and started to stare at the ceiling again.
After a while I closed my eyes and when I opened my eyes again it was 10:04pm. I rub my eyes and stand up. I need water. I walk out of my room and towards the kitchen. Fundy and Schlatt were both still up and sitting at the kitchen table.
“Hey Bubs.” Fundy says, smiling at me. I walk past him and to the cupboard to get a cup. I grabbed one, filled it with water and sat down next to Fundy at the table. “Can we tell you something?” He asks me and I nod.
“Now?” Schlatt asks and Fundy nods. “Alright if you think he can take it.”
“Take what? Is this what you were saying yesterday?” I ask, confused and still half asleep.
“Yep! We’re going to adopt another kid.” Fundy said smiling.
“You’re going to do what?” I ask, standing up. It feels like the water from my cup had just been thrown in my face.
“We’re going to adopt another kid.” Fundy repeats. I look at him. “What do you think?” No. No. No. They shouldn’t do that. They can’t do that. Not now, not ever. Another kid can’t be brought into this mess.
I can’t have a sibling because I won’t be here to protect them. I wouldn’t be able to protect them from this shit. What happens when I eventually off myself? They’ll be put through trauma and Fundy and Schlatt will do who knows what.
They can’t do this, I can’t hang on long enough to help raise a kid.
“Fuck no! You can’t fucking do that!” I yell at them. They both looked at me, like they were both confused. “You can’t be fucking confused on why not. You are both on the edge of a divorce! You fight almost daily and you are not fucking okay! Why would you adopt another kid?” I ask them. Schlatt stands up and points his finger at me.
“Quackity I am sick of your shit! You do nothing but tell us that we are asshole parents! Get your shit together before you come after ours!” He tells me and I shove his hand out of my face. This was getting heated very quickly, something that usually doesn’t happen. Usually it takes at least a few moments to get a rise out of Schlatt.
“Oh fuck you! Fuck you for thinking you can take care of another kid! You can’t even take care of the one you have!” I scream at him. I watch as his face turns more red. What am I even getting myself into right now? What am I even saying? I can’t just stop now.
“It’s not our fault you fell in love with a kid who was such a coward that he had to go kill himself! And when he did that you began to act like everything is about you! HE died and it’s about you!” Schlatt yells at me. I stop and look him dead in his eyes. Fundy didn’t even move a muscle.
Why was this turning into a talk about Karl? I wasn’t okay before Karl and I don’t know why he would think I would be better after Karl. Why was everything turning back to Karl with him?
“Fuck you.” I mumble softly and Schlatt rolls his eyes.
“I’m not sorry because that’s what is true Quackity, you made his death about you and you changed and you began to be a piece of shit!” He screams at me. I stared at his eyes, knowing tears were pilling in my eyes.
“Have you even thought about what you are saying! You are saying I made his death about me and I changed! Of course I fucking changed you dickbag! And part of his death was about me! Want to know why? Because he was in love with me, he left me things to say he was, he wrote pages upon pages on how he loved me! Poems and pieces about how he fucking loved me but I couldn’t see it! He killed himself after spending time with me, letting me find him, not his dad, not his other friends, me! OF COURSE IT’S GOING TO BE ABOUT ME!”
There were so many reasons why his death had to do with me. He was my world and suddenly my world was gone.
“No Quackity you don’t get to now say he is in love with you! You didn’t even want to say shit about it until everyone else brought it up with you! You have spent the last 72 hours screaming at me that he wasn’t in love with you, before that you said it for months! Then you go fuck a girl” He screams.
Did he think Wilbur was a girl? Was I not clear on who he was?
“And come back saying you love him! You are only saying it because it brings more attention to you and you like the idea of someone loving you! At least your father and I know we’re gay! What the fuck are you!” Schlatt screams at me, pointing to Fundy and himself.
“Are you seriously turning this into sexuality? Are you fucking kidding me!” I scream at him back. “I have lived a life where I am made fun of for having gay dads and you think I want to have a conversation about sexuality? I was taught by everyone else to hate your sexuality and in turn not even think about mine!” I scream at him. Fundy still sat there not moving a single muscle. Why isn’t he doing something?
“Quackity are you homophobic?” Fundy was now speaking quietly. I turned to him and looked at him, he was crying slightly and his eyes felt huge and like they were staring right into my soul. Why the fuck is that the first thing he says in this conversation? Asking me if I’m fucking homophobic?
“No I’m not fucking homophobic I’m bisexual! I didn’t want to tell you because you would make it a thing and it doesn’t need to be a thing! I don’t want it to be a fucking thing! Not to mention the ‘girl’ you think I made out with is a guy! And on top of that the guy I am in love with is dead!” I say and I turn around and kick the wall. This time there wasn’t a dent or hole in the wall. I know if I did I would be in even more trouble.
“Oh so you are also in love with him! Whatever happened to ‘I’m not in love with him’ Pick a fucking lane Quackity! Don’t go back and forth when it is convenient for you!” Schlatt screams at my face. I roll my eyes.
“I need to pick a lane! Schlatt you told me I was in love with him and are now screaming at me when I admit it! Why the fuck do I need to pick a lane when you won’t! That’s not fucking fair!” It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me.
“Because I just need answers, Quackity! I need answers on what to do here, and how to fix you and how to help you be the kid you once were! It’s so fucking tireding to deal with you everyday, especially when you are this angry fucking kid who’s hurting us! You hurt us when you yell at us and be angry and just be a shit kid!” Oh so now I’m just a shit kid. Great parenting move Schlatt.
“You tell me I am in love with him and I admit it. Then you say that I need to be the kid I once was. You forget to realize that when he died, he took those with him! I am not the same fucking kid I once was and you both fail to see that! You have your stupid attempts at trying to talk to me and get me to be the kid I was, that Quackity is fucking dead! He died with Karl! He’s been gone for fucking months! Why can’t you see that!”
“You say that but everytime you have tried to kill yourself you have failed Quackity! You can’t even succeed at that!” Schlatt screams in my face.
“Are you seriously telling our kid he’s such a failure and that he can’t even kill himself!” Fundy was standing now, screaming back at Schlatt. Schlatt turns his attention to Fundy.
“Tell me I am fucking wrong Fundy! Tell me I am wrong and I’ll take it back!” Schlatt tries to challenge him. What the fuck was this family turning into anymore?
“Schlatt fucking stop it! He is our kid! You make him feel guilty for trying to kill himself then tell him he can’t even succeed at that! You are so out of line here and you are wrong!” Fundy tells him. Schlatt shakes his head.
“I have a fucked up kid I don’t even want and a shitty husband! What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit!” Schlatt yells to no one in particular. He can’t be blaming his shit on us. He is the problem here.
“Maybe if you weren’t so shitty to everyone in your life, so hurtful, such an asshole! You deserve every shit thing that happens to you! You deserve everything that goes wrong in your life! You have been nothing but horrible! You have been forcing this narrative that a dead guy was in love with me when I said no! You can’t even respect boundaries!” I scream at him.
“Quackity you just admitted you were in love with him! Pick a fucking lane! Pick whatever lane you think is better for sympathy and for people to feel bad for you! For you to get people to feel bad for you! You are just like some sort of fucking villian you know that! You go to Dr. Philza telling him you feel like a villain just for him to tell you otherwise! You went out looking for someone to tell you that you aren’t a piece of shit but you are!” Schlatt tells me. How does he know what I talk to Dr. Philza about?
“How the fuck do you know what I said to Dr. Philza?” I ask him. I wasn’t yelling, I was talking just above a whisper at this point. My throat hurts and I realize how much I’ve been yelling these past 72 hours. It was going to hurt so much after this.
“Because I am your parent and I get to know what goes on Quackity. And no matter what Dr. Philza says, you are a villain. You hurt everyone around you, you do more bad than good. You create more problems than you solve. You are a bad person. A villain.” He hisses at me. I’m a villain?
“I’m the villain here! Schlatt you are neglective and borderline abusive! You are the problem everywhere! You can’t ask my therapist what we talk about! That’s private!” I yell at him and he laughs, why the fuck is he laughing.
“How is it private if you are either not talking or yelling and breaking shit? We have to pay for that shit you know! I mean come on Quackity, smashing things because he brought up Karl? Is that how this shit is going to go until you finally get over this shit?” Schlatt asks me.
“You want me to get over it? Why the fuck do you keep saying that like it’s some easy shit Schlatt! He was there for me more than you were, he is the only person who ever actually cared about me! You don’t fucking care about me!” I scream at him.
“Quackity, I care about you.” Fundy says and I turn to look at him. I am holding back a laugh as I stare into his eyes.
“Do you? Fundy, what's my favorite book! What is something I like to do! You can’t name shit about me because you don’t care about me! Neither of you do! The only fucking person who does is 6 feet under the ground and you have the fucking audicatity to call him a coward and tell me to get over it!” I say, turning from Schlatt to Fundy. I clenched my fists and I felt blood start to pool in my palms almost immediately.
The wounds from the days previous still hadn’t healed. My fist also hurt when I clenched it. I unclench it and I feel my face stinging, tears going over those wounds.
“Just because I can’t name the small things doesn’t mean I don’t care about you Quackity. I know the person you were when you were younger. You can’t blame me for not knowing you now. You shut us out, you did this.” Fundy says he wasn’t yelling. I laugh and roll my eyes.
“Right because you’ve tried your best to know who I am. You went out of your way to figure out what I like. No you fucking made assumtions and you gave yourself the ‘best dad award’. Just because you give half a shit more than Schlatt doesn’t mean that you did good shit! You are just as bad as him!” I started out matching his tone but by the end I was yelling again.
“Do not compare me to him, Quackity! Don’t pull that shit!” He was yelling again.
“What you don’t want to compared to the man you fucking married? The man you said ‘I do’ to? It is not my fault you are turning into him? You are almost exactly like him! You are ignorant, and make shitty assumptions asking me if I was in fucking love with him!” I scream at him.
“Did you not just fucking admit that you were! Schlatt is right you need to pick a fucking lane when it comes to this shit! It’s either you are or you aren’t!”
“You know what, both of you can go to hell! I fucking hate both of you! I don’t give a shit if you ‘want the best for me’ you both don’t give a shit about me beyond what you can handle. Having a kid is about being there all the time and you both are never here for me.” I snap and I turn around.
I ignore their calls towards me and I go down the stairs. I reach into my coat pocket and grab the ipod with Karl’s voicemail. I then pull on my shoes and I walk out of the front door, slamming it shut.
I walk down the street, not looking back at the house at all. I didn’t want to go back but where else was I gonna go? I could go to Karl’s old house, try to see if his dad was there. I kept walking, I could feel the tears on my face starting to freeze. I wiped them away and hissed at the feeling of the scratches being dragged, opening the cuts again. I know it is going to scar over now.
I kept going until I reached Karl’s old house. I knocked on the front door and after a moment it opened. It wasn’t Karl’s dad who answered though.
“Can I help you?” A woman was standing there. Who the hell was he?
“What?” I mumble out, looking at her.
“Are you alright? Do you need help? Your face is bleeding.” She tells me. Where was Karl’s dad?
“I'm looking for Mr. Jacobs?” I ask her and she looks at me funny.
“He was the old owner of the house, he moved out about two months ago. He doesn’t live here anymore. Where are you going?” She asks me as I turn around and start to walk away. He moved, how could he move? Why did he move away? Where did he go? Why couldn’t he stay here?
I continue to walk as snow begins to fall. The cold snow hitting me, melting and causing little drops of water on my skin. The feeling felt nice since my face felt hot. Where was I going?
You made his death about you and you changed and you began to be a piece of shit
Schlatt’s words rang through my head. Of course some part of his death would be about me. I was his best friend, he was in love with me, I loved him.
You are only saying it because it brings more attention to you and you like the idea of someone loving you
Did I love him before or after he died? When did I start loving him? Did I actually love him a lot or was it just what happened after all of this?
I need to go see him. I make a 180 and begin to walk towards the cemetery. It didn’t take long for me to make it there, punch in the code and walk to the back corner of the cemetery. What time was it? I shook my head and stared down at his grave. No matter how I felt, I am here and he isn’t.
“Hey Karl.” I mumble. I still stare at his grave, how the fuck do I say this. “I am so fucking sorry. Schlatt and Dream and George and Wilbur and all of them were right, I was in love with you. I am in love with you. And I don’t know what to do. You’re gone and I am in love with you. You are the only person I truly felt love for and the only person I’ll probably ever feel love for. How am I supposed to move on from this? I mean fuck I can’t. I just screamed at Fundy and Schlatt and of course they screamed back. Schlatt called you a coward but you aren’t. You made your choice and while I fucking hate you for it, I get it. I tried to do the same thing when you were still here. I tried to kill myself four times when you were still here. And when you were here you were by my side after every time. I love you for that but I love you for a million more reasons.” I sob.
The snow was coming down quicker and quicker, covering everything that I was staring at. I felt more and more cover all of me, and since I wasn’t wearing a coat or even a long sleeve it felt really fucking cold. My face was no longer hot so it no longer felt good.
“I love you for every little thing. For the way you made dad jokes, the way you could make me smile, the way you made me feel safe. I love you for the way you tied your shoes or the way you dyed my hair. I love you for the way you made patches or played the guitar. I love you for the way you brought me gifts when I was sad, or the way you would get drunk with me. I love you for every time you called me and said something so fucking sweet. I love you for the way you protected me and the way you were so gentle with a paint brush. I love you for everything about you but at the same time I fucking hate you.”
The snow was coming down even faster if that was possible. It was falling right onto the headstone and pilling in all around it. I wouldn’t be able to even read his name soon if it continues like this.
“I hate you for leaving. I hate you for not telling me about your other friends. I hate you for not saying what’s on your mind but writing it in a journal instead. I hate you for not having the courage to tell me how you felt. What were you afraid of that you wouldn’t tell me? I wouldn’t hate you, I wouldn’t be mad at you. I wouldn’t treat you any different. Why the fuck could you not tell me shit!” I was screaming now and more tears ran down my face.
I went to brush them off of my face so they wouldn’t freeze this time. When I did blood joined the mess and for some reason the sight of it made me cry more. I looked down at the headstone and I couldn’t read the name off of it. I needed to see his name. I needed to.
“No. No. No.” I sob, and I fall to my knees, using my blood covered hands to wipe the snow off of it. The cold of it made my hands sting but I continued, clawing at the snow until I could read the name.
Karl Jacobs, March 4th 2002- May 27th 2019. A son and a best friend.
I continued to try and get all of the snow off of it. I felt my hands drag against the stone but kept going. I could feel my finger pads begin to peel away, and begin to bleed slightly. I moved closer to the stone so I could wipe the back of it off as well. I wiped the top off as well and found my whole body started to touch the stone.
“I’m so sorry.” I sob, curling into myself against the stone. “I am so sorry Karl. I wish I was better, I wish I told you sooner, I wish you were still here. Schlatt is right, I am just a villain. If I had done better than you would still be here. You would still be here and everything would be alright. You would be okay and I would be okay because you would be here. Fuck why are you gone.” I sob harder and I feel myself shake against the stone. If it was because of how upset I was or if it was because of how cold I was, I couldn’t tell.
At this point I couldn’t even speak. Every time I tried I just shook more and felt like I would vomit. More snow came down and it made me even colder but I stopped caring. I couldn’t go back home, Karl’s dad wasn’t here anymore, and it’s too late for the bus or anything else.
“Quackity?” A voice said I looked up. I hadn’t heard any footsteps or anything but someone was there, standing in the shadows.
“Karl?” I ask, hoping that some form of my best friend was there. The person turns on a flashlight on their phone and flashes it a bit towards me. It wasn’t Karl.
“No Quackity, it’s not Karl. Are you alright?” It was Dream. I turn away from him and curl back into myself, crying harder. I couldn’t explain to him what was happening, I don’t even know what’s happening myself. All I know is that I am bleeding, it’s cold, and I feel hurt and like I’ll be sick. “Quackity?” Dream bends down to my level, trying not to get himself covered in snow. He reaches out his hands to me and I reach out mine. I latch onto him and he holds me close to him, falling onto the ground next to me.
“Dream.” I sob into him. He pulled me closer so instead of sobbing against the stone, I was sobbing against his shirt.
“Quackity what is going on buddy?” He asks me and I sob harder, if that was even possible. I felt myself still shaking and Dream’s hand was touching my arm, reminding me how cold I actually am. After a moment he stands up, letting me go. I whine at the loss of touch but still continue to cry.
“Dr-” I say, unable to even say his full name.
“We can’t stay here.” He looks around for a moment, and then he grabs onto me. He hooks me under one arm and pulls me up, leaning me against him to support me. He slowly helps me walk back to the truck, helping me inside of it. After he closes the door he walks around and hops in. He turns the truck on and blasts the heat.
“Thank you.” I manage to choke out before sobbing more and more. He looks at me and his eyes soften.
“Of course Quackity, can you take some breaths for me?” He asks me and I struggle to take some deep breaths. After a moment when I am a bit more calm he looks at me, looking me up and down. “What happened?” He asks me and I shake my head. “Quackity, I need to know what happened.”
“I don’t,” I say hiccuping. “I don’t know.” I say, and a fresh wave of tears floods out of my eyes. He grabs my hand in a moment of attempting to comfort but due to the rawness of my skin it just ends up hurting and making me cry more. He pulled back his hand, seeing the pain it caused me and looked down at his own hands. There was blood covering almost half of it, my blood.
“Quackity.” He says softly, in a way of trying to comfort without touch. “I’m taking you to George’s.” He tells me and he faces more forward. I went to reach for the seatbelt but my fingers stung and I cried a bit more. I ended up leaning against the window, crying as he drove. At some point he pulled out his phone and called someone, but with the pain in my body and the sounds of my own crying, I couldn’t even tell who it was or what he was saying. Eventually we pull up to George’s house and someone runs out. My door is flung open by Wilbur.
“Quackity.” He says and he latches onto me. He was wearing pjs with someone else’s coat on top of him, it was way too big and when he hugged me I felt the sweater paws. He also wasn’t wearing shoes so he was leaning on the truck to lift his feet off the ground.
“Let’s get him inside.” Dream says from behind him, and both of them hook an arm under mine and half walk, half drag me inside. Once we reached the front door it was opened by George and Niki. They walked with us as we all eventually made it to the basement where Eret was waiting with a first aid kit. I was put down to sit down on the couch and Eret walked over to me where he began to clean my fingers.
“Quackity? What happened?” Wilbur asks me, sitting next to me on my left. He went to reach for one of my hands but took it back as Eret gave him a look. I wasn’t crying anymore but my face felt as raw as my fingers.
“He said in the car he didn’t know.” Dream tells her. George walked over to me with a cup of water, and since I couldn’t use my hands he lifted it gently to my lips where I took a drink.
“Well obviously something happened and he should know.” Niki points out and I shake my head, feeling more tears well up in my eyes.
“Guys I think he doesn’t want to talk about it right now.” Wilbur tells them. he then turns to Dream. “Tell us what happened for what you know.” he says to him and he nods.
“I went to get the photo to Quackity at his house but when I got there his dads said he wasn’t there. They said he left the house without his phone and they didn’t know where he was going. So I went to the only other place where I knew he could be. I went to the cemetery and back over to Karl’s grave. He was there, leaning against the head stone and he was crying and shaking. It looked like he had tried to clear the snow off of it but ended up scratching up his hands. When I said something he thought I was Karl but then started to cry more. I ended up just holding him for a moment while he cried, then I brought him to the truck where I tried to calm him down to talk but he said he didn’t know and ended up crying some more.” Dream recounts, sitting next to Eret on the floor. George sat next to Dream and Niki sat next to me.
“Quackity, I’m going to grab your chin to wipe off your face okay?” Niki tells me and I nod slightly. She grabs my face by my chin and turns my head so I make eye contact with her. She takes a wet rag and begins to wipe off my face, trying to be as gentle as she can but it still stung.
“Alright, all wrapped up. Please be careful Quackity, we don’t want to wrap you up again.” Eret said after a few moments. She let go of my hands, Niki was still taking her time on my face. I try to pull my thoughts together.
“You want bandaids for your face?” Niki asks me after a moment, letting go of my chin. I shake my head no and she backs off slightly. I sit there still trying to think what happened.
You are only saying it because it brings more attention to you and you like the idea of someone loving you
You hurt us when you yell at us and be angry and just be a shit kid
You say that but everytime you have tried to kill yourself you have failed Quackity! You can’t even succeed at that
You hurt everyone around you, you do more bad than good. You create more problems than you solve. You are a bad person. A villain
I’m a villain. I am a villain. My father sees me as a villain. The man who raised me told me that I create more problems than I solve. He said I’m a bad person. He said I’m a villain. He’s right.
“Quackity? Quackity are you alright?” George said, snapping me out of my thoughts, he touched my knee slightly and I flinched back. “It’s okay, Quackity. You want to tell us what happened? It’s fine if you don’t want to.” He tells me and I nod slowly. They should know, they deserve that.
“I got into a huge fight with my dads. They got angry at me, we all yelled at each other. Schlatt said I was a villain and I created more problems than I solved. Told me I can’t succeed at anything, including trying to kill myself. Fundy said I needed to pick a lane for if I was in love with Karl or not. Then they both just became too much so I left the house. I tried to go to Karl’s old house to see his dad but he moved. So I walked to the only other place I knew I could go.” I say, trying my hardest not to cry. Wilbur slowly grabs my hand, trying not to mess with the bandages at all.
“But why were your hands just covered in blood, and how did you reopen the cuts on your face?” Niki asks, a bit confused. I try to think clearly how I did it but nothing in my head makes sense right now. My head feels full and foggy.
“It’s like Dream said, his grave was covered in snow and I couldn’t see the name. I needed to see his name. And when I was crying I tried to wipe the tears off my face but pulled too hard.” I tell her and she nods. “I’m sorry, I know you probably don’t care but I’m sorry.” I say trying not to cry again. They don’t fucking care, I know they don’t fucking care.
“Quackity we do care, you know. We aren’t like your dads, we care.” Eret tells me and I can’t help but laugh a bit. “What’s funny?” She asks, dropping the kind look she had been giving me.
“You say you care but that’s also what my dads said. People keep saying they care but that’s not true. I mean you can say it but you don’t care.” I say. Why the fuck was I saying this. Why the fuck was I doing this.
“That’s not true Quackity.” Wilbur says letting go of my hand. “You don’t know what’s going on right now, you are just confused. We all care for you.”
“No you fucking don’t. You cared about Karl, and now that he’s gone and left me all alone you pity me.” I say, everyone starts moving away from me slowly. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you. I may be a nutcase but not a violent one.”
“Tell that to my wall.” George mumbled and I looked at him. He meets my gaze and I glare at him in return.
“What the fuck did you say?” I demanded of him, he cowered slightly and Dream moved between us so I wasn’t staring at George anymore.
“Quackity chill the fuck out. Please. We were worried about you.” Dream tells me and I frown at him.
“So it is true then, you only are just talking to me because you pity me?” I ask and no one meets my eye this time. I stand up and walk past everyone.
“Quackity, where are you going?” Wilbur asks me. I turn to face him.
“Somewhere I am actually wanted! Somewhere people don’t want to be around me just because they pity me!” I scream at him and he flinches.Why was I doing this to them? They don’t deserve this.
“You need to chill the fuck out and this is currently the only place you are wanted.” Eret interjects. I roll my eyes at her. “Don’t believe me? Then fucking leave, where the fuck are you gonna go? You don’t have any other friends.” She hisses at me.
“Anywhere is better than a place where I am surrounded by people who pity me. I don’t need fucking pity!” I snap back at her. She laughs.
“Quackity of course you need fucking pity. You wouldn’t be around anyone without pity. I mean look at you, you only had one friend for so fucking long and it turns out he was in love with you while dating another guy! He was about to cheat on him too, with you!” Eret yells at me. Wait, what. She must have read my face because she stares at me. “You don’t know?”
“Eret, Karl never mentioned us, he probably never mentioned him either.” Wilbur says carefully. He was fidgeting with his fingers and biting his lip. What was he hiding?
“So he was brought here, unknowing what Karl and him did, and we just treat him like it’s all fine? Was that the fucking plan? When were you gonna tell him?” Eret demands of him and Wilbur doesn’t meet her eyes.
“Tell me what.” I hiss and Eret turns back to me. She stares me down, what the fuck was happening anymore.
“Karl was dating Sapnap. They were in love. And you know what you fucking ruined it. Remember the night he called you drunk as shit? Well Sapnap was right next to him. He heard everything he fucking said to you! HE SAT THERE LISTENING TO THE GUY HE WAS IN LOVE WITH TELL SOMEONE ELSE THAT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM! AND YOU STILL HAVE THE FUCKING AUDAICTY TO SAY THAT HE NEVER LOVED YOU LIKE THAT!” Eret was screaming her head off at me and no one stopped her. I felt my heart pang, that happened?
“I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HIM WHY THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO CARE?” I scream back at her and I know that was the wrong move.
“Why the fuck are you supposed to care? Quackity that is another human life!” Dream yells at me. Everyone was sitting still, not moving and not even flinching.
“That doesn’t fucking mean shit to me! Why the fuck am I supposed to do about the fact that he loved someone else then loved me! I didn’t even fucking know him! Let alone fucking heard of him before you guys started screaming out this bullshit! He’s just some stranger to me!” I was quieter than before but I was still yelling, I was losing my mind at this point. I was saying words before I even thought about what they meant. Wilbur started to break down sobbing. He then turned to me with anger in his eyes.
“Take that fucking shit back Quackity! That it all fucking back and get the fuck out of this house you can’t talk about my brother like that!” Wilbur yelled and I looked him in his eyes. My brother. My brother. My brother
“Sapnap was your fucking brother?” I ask and he looks angry.
“Yes he was Quackity! Are you that fucking dense! You saw his fucking grave stone and when I texted you I told you who it was and we have the same fucking last name! YOU ACT LIKE LOSING A BOY WHO YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU IS THE WORST FUCKING HEART BREAK! LOSING YOUR BROTHER IS WORSE! AND IT’S YOURS AND KARLSl’S FUCKING FAULT THAT I LOST HIM THAT NIGHT!” he was screaming so loudly, half of me wanted to cover my ears. Half of me just wanted to just break down crying, ignore everything that was happening. The other half of me wanted to know everything, get all the details and know what there is to know.
“Okay cut the fucking shit and someone fucking tell me what the fuck is happening!” I yell and Eret laughs.
“Now he wants the fucking story! Alright Quackity here is the fucking story. 18 months ago Sapnap and Karl began to date. Everyone was so happy for them and he was so in love with Karl. Then 2 months after that you went to the hospital. Karl spent the whole time worrying about you and he wasn’t even thinking of his boyfriend or anyone else for that matter. You get out of the hospital, you can’t see anyone so he comes back over here. Everyone but Sapnap gets drunk and his drunk ass calls you, telling you he was in love with you. Sapnap is forced to sit there and watch as the man who was supposed to be in love with him, confess his love for you .” She said the word ‘you’ with heavy amounts of venom.
“I didn’t” I start but I’m cut off.
“Quackity shut the fuck up.” George tells me and I keep quiet as Eret continues.
“So he’s upset, tells him he is full of shit and he says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and not him. He gets upset, and he leaves. He takes his car and starts driving. He drove all the way until he was driving off a fucking cliff, killing himself. And Karl didn’t realize what happened. He lived life normal until he heard the news. He didn’t even react, the first thing he fucking said was ‘I confessed to Quackity?’ Not ‘oh shit I just managed to kill my boyfriend’ no, it was about you.” Eret tells me, pointing her finger at me.
“Well that’s not my fucking fault!” It wasn’t, I didn’t choose for him to be in love with me, I didn’t ask him to confess his love, I didn’t do that. I try to clench my fists but can’t due to the bandages wrapped around my hands.
“Is anything your fucking fault Quackity?” Dream asks me and I look over at him. I bit my lip and since I had done that so much this past week it didn’t take long for blood to pool in my mouth.
“The fuck does that mean?” I ask him back and he laughs for a second.
“Are you fucking serious? Are you that fucking dumb? You are just some asshole who looks for others to blame but you are the cause of your own issues Quackity.” Dream tells me and I frown.
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.” I honestly didn’t even know what I was saying. I know what he was saying but why the fuck was he saying it.
“You are the fucking issue Quackity! You look for others to blame for you hurting people when you are the one who hurt people!” Eret yells at me and I just stare at her.
“What?” I ask, not confused in the slightest, just more trying to understand what they were saying to me.
“He still doesn’t fucking get it. YOU WONDER WHY YOU ARE SO UNHAPPY? IT'S BECAUSE VILLAINS NEVER GET HAPPY ENDINGS YOU ARE A VILLIAN MAN. YOU HURT THOSE AROUND YOU!” Eret yells even louder like it would get the message to me more. It did slightly.
“I didn’t fucking hurt anyone!” I yell, ignoring the fact that he was calling me a villain. I didn’t hurt anyone, I didn’t do that to Sapnap, I didn’t make Karl love me, and I didn’t do anything to hurt Karl.
“WHY DO YOU THINK KARL COULDN’T STAY AROUND ANY LONGER? HAVE YOU EVER ASKED YOURSELF THAT OR ARE YOU JUST IMAGINING THAT HE WAS JUST TOO DEPRESSED. HE’S DEAD BECAUSE HE FELT BAD FOR KILLING SAPNAP BUT IN TURN YOU DID IT TOO QUACKITY. WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU ARE EVIL” Wilbur shouts at me.
“HE DIDN’T FUCKING KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE OF ME AND I DIDN’T FUCKING KILL HIM, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HIM. IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOUR FUCKING BROTHER KILLED HIMSELF!” I shout at Wilbur, he launches himself at me and he hits me right in the nose. I felt blood gush out of it and I pushed him off of me and onto the ground.
“Hey!” George yells and I back up from all of them.
“You’re all fucking crazy.” I tell them and I turn towards the door, going towards it just to get out of here.
“Says you Quackity. The villain calls the heroes crazy.” Eret scoffs and I turn back around.
“You’re the heroes? Fuck no. There’s no fucking way you’re even somewhat close to being a hero” I tell them and Wilbur can’t help but laugh.
“And you think you are Quackity? No matter what you say you aren’t some hero and you definitely aren’t some main character. You were the side character, not never character you were the fucking side villain to someone’s subpar life and when he died you didn’t matter, his story ended and you’re still not even the main characters in your own.” Wilbur tells me. The drops of blood touching my lips snap me out of his words and I turn back towards the stairs.
I was done with this fucking house, I was done with these fucking people, I was done being told I was the villain when I’m not. I’m not the villain.
Right?
I shake my head and I walk out of the house. I didn’t need them, I didn’t need any of that. That was all bullshit. I didn’t fucking do anything wrong.
I didn’t kill Sapnap, I didn’t even know him. How could I have killed someone I didn’t even know. And I didn’t even know he was Wilbur’s brother. I mean I could have paid more attention to the texts he sent but other than that how was I supposed to know.
I walk outside and it’s still snowing. I honestly hate the fucking snow. I always wanted to live somewhere warm with no snow. When Karl and I got drunk one time we talked about running away to somewhere warm.
“We can go to California or maybe Alaska.” Karl giggled, I was laying my head on his stomach so when he laughed I felt it. I felt his stomach move and I couldn’t help but laugh either.
“Alaska is cold as fuck Karl! We can’t go there!” I tell him and he runs his hands through my hair. I loved it when he did that but he only did that when it was just us alone.
“Ah you’re right. Well it doesn’t matter, as long as I am with you.”
I still don’t know how I didn’t see that he was in love with me. Well his flirtatious way was just how he acted. His touchiness was just how he was. His kindness was just in his bones. It was all normal.
Wasn’t it normal for everyone?
I feel blood continue to go down my face and I wipe it on my arm, but without sleeves it just stayed there, freezing slightly in the cold. I wish I had a coat, I wish I had anything on me. The only thing I still had was the ipod. Was it still in my pocket?
Did I have it back down at the house? Did I leave it there? Did it drop out of my pocket at the cemetery? Did I lose the once piece of Karl that I could carry with me at this point?
I reached down and pulled out the ipod, it seemed fine and intact. I hit play
“Hey Quackity!” I pause it. I couldn’t listen to Karl’s voice right now, not after everything that happened.
He didn’t do anything wrong, and I know that it’s just too hard to hear right now. I put it back in my pocket and began to think back about everything that had happened that day.
I woke up, happy and excited and feeling loved. I got a necklace with a ring and a key on it. I ate breakfast with friends and spent time pouring over the pages written by the dead boy who loved me. I fell asleep and felt alright for a while and then I got into a fight with my fathers.
A fight where I was told that I wasn’t allowed to love the dead boy, the same dead boy who loved me. My father told me I was such a failure that I couldn’t even kill myself correctly. He bashed on me for being in love and not knowing what was happening in my life.
Then I ran away, tried to visit the dead boy’s father but found out he left, abandoning the town where he had raised his child. I then left to visit the boy, breaking down that I couldn’t love the boy like he had loved me. Then Dream came and I continued to break down in his arms.
He took me back to Geroge’s house where I was fixed up and then abandoned for not being able to know the story. The story where I was blamed for killing a boy when I didn’t even know him. It wasn’t my fault.
And now here I am, on a road I’m not even sure where. I think about everything again.
How could it go from feeling loved and getting a necklace to being left alone and bleeding on the side of the road. Did I still have the necklace. I touched my neck and yes it was still there. The ring and key were ice cold by now but it was okay. Feeling the cold at least let me feel something.
How could Karl’s dad leave? After everything that happened here, that happened in that house. Well I guess I do kind of understand the house thing, but leaving town? His wife and child were buried here. Everyone knew him here. But he just left it all behind.
How could they blame me for Sapnap’s death, for something I didn’t even do? I felt like a broken record in my own head, repeating the words ‘wasn’t my fault, I didn’t do it, I didn’t even know him ’. While the words were all true it was driving me insane. The repetition is nonstop.
I felt my heart start to beat in my head. I kept walking trying to ignore it but the beat over and over again made me feel sick. The blood running from my nose to my mouth made me feel sick. That and the pain just made me feel sick.
Maybe I’m just sick.
Suddenly I feel a rush of things come out of my stomach and out my throat. It goes through my throat and out my mouth, I was now vomiting on the side of the road.
I’m pretty sure I am sick now.
I sit down for a moment, avoiding sitting in the vomit pile and try to think.
Nothing was making sense at this point. Nothing felt real and nothing felt like it was going to be okay. I know it won’t be okay. How can anything be okay? I felt my head go around and around, my heart began to beat even faster. I need to calm down, and I don’t think sitting next to a pile of vomit would help that.
I stand up and begin to continue walking. I had to try and clear my head, even slightly. Today was shit and I don’t even know if it was even the same day. I look around for maybe some sort of clock or something. There was nothing but houses.
I can't stop feeling my heart beating in my head. It was like a clock and each beat reminding me that I am running out of time, I'm running out of heart beats. Every word that had been said to me in the past two hours kept running through my head, mixed with the pounding feeling made it feel like I was going to explode.
"He is a coward" "Pick a lane" "You are a villain" "You aren't a hero, you are a villain and if you weren't a villain you wouldn't even be a main character in your own story!" "You are just some asshole who looks for others to blame but you are the cause of your own issues, Quackity." "You will never be anything" "You can't even succeed at killing yourself"
They are right, Schlatt, Fundy, Wilbur, Dream, Eret, Niki they are all right. I am not some good person, I'm not a hero, I am a villain. The only thing I never wanted to become, I became.
Karl always said that he was the bad person but he was wrong, I am the bad person. And when he left, when the only good person I listened to in my life left, I only became worse. I became more evil and I tried to take others down with me.
Why did I think it would change, I said it to Dr. Philza and he didn't stop me from saying it, the only way to fix this is to kill myself. But shit how the fuck am I going to do it? Schlatt is right. I haven't been successful before. How could I do this?
I stopped and looked around, I had been walking on autopilot for a while now and while it felt only seconds ago that I was surrounded by houses I was now surrounded by buildings. I was downtown, and an idea popped into my head.
The community center was a tall building, with apartments on the top of it, making the building really tall.
Karl had taken me once before, we went up to the roof because there was a party there. Would it still be open now? I take another look around before knowing where to go.
I have to do this. I have to stop hurting and this is what I can do. I see the community center and I walk to it. I try the door and find it open. I pulled it open all the way and walked inside, where was the elevator again?
“Can I help you?” A girl, who couldn't be over 25, was sitting at a desk. I can’t just tell her that I need access to the roof so I can kill myself so what was I gonna say. “Oh my gosh you’re bleeding are you alright?” she asks me, her face filled with panic and worry. And I realize how I must look, I had blood on my face, vomit on my shoes, and wrapped in bandages.
“Yeah I’m fine, sorry I look so weird. I was just at a really crazy party and I was going to spend the night at my friend's house and he lives upstairs but he got an uber home leaving me at the party. Can you show me where the elevator is?” I ask and her face relaxes a bit.
“Oh alright, I know that these kinds of things can be hella crazy. I’ll show you to the elevator.” She smiles and she leads me to the elevator. I follow behind her and smile as she shows me it. I give her a nod and press the button. She walks off and I stare at the elevator button.
When it arrives I take it as far as it goes up. I had to climb two sets of stairs before I could reach the roof. I was almost there. I soon get to the roof, the snow hitting my face for what feels like the millionth time that day.
While I knew what was happening I couldn’t help but feel like this was somewhat beautiful.
I walk over to the railing on the roof and I look down. It was a far drop, so far that a car parked on the street down there looked small, like a toy car. The realization of what was really happening hit me. I was so far up. There was only one way this would end, and hopefully it would really work this time.
I pull out the ipod from my pocket. I wanted to listen to the voicemail again, I needed to. I hit play and hold it up to my ear as snow and wind whip around me.
“Quackity! Hey buddy I miss you! I can’t wait to see you in 30 minutes so I’m calling you on my way there! I fucking love you man! I know I say it a shit ton but I love you and I am so glad you’re my best friend, like I can’t wait to be friends for the rest of our lives! I am only the person I am because of you and you just mean so fucking much to me! I love you Quackity bye!” I feel my heart start to shatter.
This really set in the fact that this was the end. And I knew that I am gonna die the same way that I have lived for 7 months, alone. With an empty feeling in my heart and no one around.
Once I hit the bottom will I wake up like I did last time? Or will hitting the bottom be my end?
If there is an afterlife, is he watching me now? Is Karl watching me stand here about to jump and feeling sad about it? Or is he waiting for me?
If I die, will it be the last piece of the puzzle? Will people be able to put it together and see the horrible picture that is my life? Will they see the heart breaking picture painted in blood, tears and pain?
He told me that we would be together for the rest of our lives. I guess we had definitions of the rest of our lives. I said it meant that we would be old and gray, still being together. He meant it until a week later. I mean I guess he was right, it was the rest of his life
I hit play on the voicemail again.
“Quackity! Hey buddy I miss you! I can’t wait to see you in 30 minutes so I’m calling you on my way there! I fucking love you man! I know I say it a shit ton but I love you and I am so glad you’re my best friend, like I can’t wait to be friends for the rest of our lives! I am only the person I am because of you and you just mean so fucking much to me! I love you Quackity bye!”
“I love you too Karl.” I say out loud and my throat hurts, it hurts from the vomit and the screaming and everything that led up to this. So much led up to this. Why the fuck did my life turn out like this?
I think back to what Dr. Philza told me a long time ago. I had asked him the same question and he responded by telling me when I think like this it’s just me spirialing. Then we talked about what to do when I did.
“Think about the things you know, the basic facts. Your name, your age, who’s in your family, who are your friends, where are you, what are you doing, what just happened, what is going to happen.”
I start to go through the list. My name is Quackity. I’m 16. My family is Schlatt and Fundy. My friend was Karl but he’s dead now, I don’t have any friends other than that. I’m on a rooftop. I’m thinking of killing myself. I just got into fights with people who claim they care about me. I’m going to kill myself.
I hit play on the ipod again.
“Quackity! Hey buddy I miss you! I can’t wait to see you in 30 minutes so I’m calling you on my way there! I fucking love you man! I know I say it a shit ton but I love you and I am so glad you’re my best friend, like I can’t wait to be friends for the rest of our lives! I am only the person I am because of you and you just mean so fucking much to me! I love you Quackity bye!”
If he fucking loved me why is he gone. Why the fuck did he have to leave. Why the fuck was I stuck here without him.
I reach up and grab the necklace. I rip it off my neck and hold it in my hand. The key and ring were glistening in my hand. I take the key in my hand and stare at it. Fuck this key, fuck the people who lived in that fucking house, fuck all of them.
I threw the key far off the building, I was never gonna see it again. I look at the ring before doing the same. The small ring going far.
If he truly loved me he wouldn’t have left. I feel my heart pang as I watch it go down, and all the feelings for him went with it. I can’t be in love with him anymore, I can’t do it because maybe I didn’t know him.
He lied to me, about friends, about being in love. He lied about dating another boy. He lied about his future and promised me one with him. He wasn’t the person I thought he was. But maybe I wasn’t the person he thought I was. He thought of me as a hero, even if no one else did.
But they were all right, I’m just a villain. I hurt people. I hurt the group of people across town, I hurt my family. I hurt people enough to cause more issues than I fix. Villains don’t get happy endings and that would explain why I’m never happy.
I climb up onto the railing, just sitting there. My legs hung over the side and it felt nice to just hang there. Just feel free and no weight on my feet for the first time in hours. I hear bells ring and I look up. There was a church down the road and it was just getting out, the bells ringing 12 times, meaning it was midnight.
It was Christmas. I was going to jump off a fucking building on Christmas. Oh Jesus Schlatt was going to fucking milk this forever. He was going to milk this forever and not let anyone see the end of it. Maybe this will finally get Fundy and Schlatt to divorce. Happy ending for someone.
Even if I can’t be happy, maybe someone else can be.
I leaned a bit more forward, and it felt so nice to feel so weightless. The feeling was addicting and I just wanted to feel a bit more lighter, so I moved forward even more.
All I needed to do was push a bit more and suddenly I felt like I was flying.
I wasn’t flying, I was falling. Everything flew through my head as the wind flew around me. My thoughts aren’t as fast as I am though.
Fundy and Schlatt weren’t going to have a son anymore. Wilbur, Dream, Dream, Niki and Eret were going to lose a friend they knew for 72 hours. I was going to see Karl again.
The ground is getting really close now.
I feel like I should