Chapter Text
Now playing: "so my darling" by Rachel Chinouriri
“Then we went down our separate ways
Felt really empty and everything changed
We reunited, it felt just the same
Now we love in a different way”
Isi once asked Sascha when he realized he liked them: His mind immediately drew blank, searching in panic for this one, defining moment that made it all true for him. When he realized his hands were shaking when Isi reached out, when jealousy restricted his heart and his body practically begged him to wrap himself around Isi like a little child.
How could he possibly pinpoint a moment like that when this love has always existed one way or another? Of course, a relationship was vastly different from a friendship. But they never stopped being best friends, they still teased each other and threw used underwear at each other’s heads. They kept their best friends’ traditions like watching movies together and eating lens chips. Their relationship has never revolved around physical touch; though it was still a vital part nevertheless.
It felt like a natural conclusion; a development that was always meant to happen. Sascha didn’t stop himself from reaching out anymore when he wanted to kiss her temple or hold her hand, softly caressing her palm. Before they got together, he constantly second-guessed his intuition: To reach out, to hold, to kiss and touch. It was like his soul knew they belonged together before his mind truly allowed him to acknowledge it.
So, when did he realize he loved her? In some way, he always knew. But admitting that to yourself was far more complicated. Letting yourself be consumed by that love, feel it in your bones, surrendering to it was terrifying.
Except – Sascha wasn’t alone anymore. Isi was right there with him. It was like mutually assured devotion; he would never be alone in this love again.
+1. mutually assured devotion
“So my darling
When our hairs are turning grey
Won’t even remember our younger days”
It was a Sunday in early March: Spring was almost around the corner, flowers were slowly waking up, greeting the earth with their beautiful, gentle colors. They started their sleepover traditions on a Saturday and it stuck: Every Saturday they stayed over at each other’s place, talking all night and sleeping until noon when their responsibilities would knock on their door and demand their attention.
But it was only nine am, when Sascha woke up, the sun softly caressing his face, the wind drawing little goosebumps on his skin.
Sascha turned to the side to watch Isi: He usually woke up first but let Isi sleep in. He would never admit it to anyone but he loved watching them sleep: She was beautiful in an almost ethereal way, harsh lines softened by pink lips. His eyes liked to follow the bridge of her nose, the brown curls on her forehead, some smudged eyeliner from the day before.
He liked to watch them as if he was figuring them out: Surprising himself with new details every day, a birthmark he hadn’t noticed, a tiny scar he hadn’t caught before. She was like a sketch, something you needed to study intimately to truly get.
But as much as Sascha liked to watch them sleep, he loved to see her wake up even more: Her brown-ish green eyes blinking slowly, adoration filling them when she realized Sascha was looking at her, a small smile displaying her dimples, soft lines that showed the kindness they sometimes tried to hide.
“Will I always wake up to you watching me sleep?” Her voice was still hoarse and slow. Sascha smiled, leaned forward to kiss them on the cheek.
“Is that a problem?”
Isi shook his head, slightly amused. “No. Just – imagine us as old people. Your elbow will probably hurt after two minutes of watching me in that position.”
Sascha can feel his expression immediately liquify like honey in warm tea. He liked to imagine them growing old: Sharing an apartment together with furniture he’s built, plants everywhere, a big vinyl collection of their favorite albums and songs. Their parents visiting them every weekend for a big dinner, making their signature Samosas together. Umut shyly introducing the love of his life to his sibling and brother-in-law. Washing dishes together, listening to music on their big coach, visiting the queer youth center to help organize events.
“When we’re old people, huh?”
Isi’s cheeks reddened immediately. “Shut up.” She hid her face in Sascha’s chest.
Sascha kissed her head multiple times, his grin growing. “No, tell me more, please. You have been keeping some fantasies to yourself, apparently.”
They raised their head and eyebrows, watching Sascha critically. “Just like you have been keeping some kind of present to yourself, too.”
Sascha blinked. “What?”
Isi sighed. “I found it two weeks ago when I was looking for the hoodie I left here. In my defense, you weren’t really hiding it. I thought about whose birthday was coming up and I drew blank. So?”
Sascha started laughing. “Are you serious?” Before Isi could answer, he immediately stood up and searched for the tiny wrapped gift in his drawer. When Sascha found it, he threw it at Isi.
“Come on,” he gestured to the present in Isi’s hands, confusion written all over her face, “open up. It was for you, Habibi.”
Isi tilted her head to the side. “For me? Why?”
Sascha closed the drawer and sat down next to them, brushing a curl behind their ear. “Do I need a reason now to give you a present?” Isi shook her head slowly. “It was supposed to be a graduation gift. Kind of? Honestly, I was just waiting for an excuse to give it to you. So, open up.”
Isi furrowed his brows, his eyes roaming Sascha’s face. Then, she looked down at the present and unraveled the wrapping paper. Her eyes widened when she realized what it was, her hand immediately touching the necklace on her chest.
“You got me a matching chain. With the nonbinary flag colors?”
Sascha nodded, even though her eyes were still focused on the yellow, white, violet and black chain in her hands. “Do you like it?”
Now, she raised her head, her eyes full of awe. Before Sascha could react, Isi hugged him tightly, her arms thrown around his neck. They gave Sascha multiple pecks on the lips, her hands slightly shaking.
“I love you so much.”
Sascha blinked, his heart suddenly beating out of his chest. “What?”
“I love you. I’m in love with you. You’re,” she shook her head, her eyes big and vulnerable and beautiful. “Everything. I’m terrified of how good you are sometimes, Sascha. How attentive and kind and talented and–“
“I love you, too.”
“–beautiful, honestly, like how could I get such a handsome,” she stopped, staring at him. “What did you say?”
Sascha laughed. He took her hands into his, raised them to his mouth and kissed them. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for,” he shrugged. “I don’t even know. I think I’ve loved you as long as I’ve known you.”
They looked in each other’s eyes; everything around them forgotten: The singing birds outside welcoming spring, the warm sunbeams on the walls, the frozen dew on the window melting away.
Isi’s dimples were on full display, her eyes glistering. She removed the necklace with her hands, exchanged the chains and put it back on.
“How does it look?”
Sascha beamed. “Perfect,” he leaned forward and kissed the Friends pendant. “It’s perfect.”
“I will never take this off now, you know that right?”
He shrugged nonchalantly, hugging them again. “I’m not complaining. Until we’re old, hm?”
Sascha could feel Isi’s quiet laugh, her chest moving up and down. “Yes,” she whispered. “Until we’re old.”
“So my darling
My baby
My boo
You are my best friend
You are my best friend
Remember I’ll always love you”
FIN.