Chapter Text
"Mac,"
"Yeah?"
"I changed my mind," Dennis mumbled to him in the waiting room "I don't wanna do this,"
"We're already here Den,"
"Yeah and we still have time to go,"
"I think she'll call you in next," Mac mumbled and Dennis huffed.
He looked around at the small waiting area where a mother and her child sat. The boy looked to be about thirteen and had dark smudgy eyeliner around his brown eyes, and wore equally dark clothing, the exact opposite of the woman next to him. The kid huffed and crossed his arms, and his leg tapped incessantly as his mother ignored him. Jesus lady he's crying for attention in an obnoxiously annoying teenage way.
Dennis thought about how he never got to have that annoying phase some kids go through when their teenage years are rough. Dennis grimaced as he thought about how mother would have slapped the eyeliner right off his eyes. Even when he was in college his mother still influence his style and was the reason he wore khakis, and sweater vests with loafers while his friends wore ridiculous jackets, and frayed jeans.
The late eighties, early nineties were not a time when emo culture was commonplace anyways. Although there were some pretty miserable, whiny, indie rockers who Dennis could relate to because only heaven knows how miserable he was back in his college days.
Shit, at least the kid was getting the attention he was craving. Barbara would have never allowed Deandra or Dennis to attend therapy. "Someone will see you, and people will talk," she would always say.
That never really made any sense to the twins, if they saw them at therapy wouldn't that mean they were also there? So if someone went around telling people wouldn't everyone know the person gossiping was also a basket case?
They never dared to argue with their mother's flawed logic, she didn't care if people knew, or maybe she did because it would ruin the perfect image their family fronted. At the end of the day, it was just an excuse for her to neglect her children's needs.
"Reynolds!"
"She called your name," Mac said giving his shoulder a light poke.
"I know," he grumbled as he got up and walked through the door.
Slowly he sat on the couch as the woman sat in front of him and organized her notepad and pen. She extended her hand to him with a warm smile on her face. The room was cozy, with large windows, and plants all around.
"Hi Dennis, I know we spoke over the phone but I want to introduce myself I'm Dr. Allison Armstrong. You can just call me Allison or Allie if you'd like,"
"Hi Allie," he replied as he shook her hand.
"I've looked over the questionaries I've had you fill out but I'll ask some of those questions again, some people are better speakers than writers," she smiled.
"Okay," Dennis said a little more snappily than indented but her soft, kind demeanor never faltered.
"Well, the big question is what brings you here?"
His instinctual reaction would be to get defensive, to refuse to open up but what would be the point of wasting all this time and money. He would also be wasting Mac's time and he didn't want to waste Mac's time, at least not in this way.
"I uh, I want to just be better, so self-improvement I think is why I'm here," he meandered.
"I get that. Believe it or not, that's what most people come here for," she smiled. "So what exactly did you want to improve?"
"Myself, you know, my attitude, the way that I react to things,"
"Do you consider yourself to have a bad attitude?" she asked managing to not sound like she was passing judgment.
"Yeah, most of the time I do,"
"Why do you think that is?" she asked.
"I don't know," he mumbled.
"Do you feel like you have control over your emotions when you react badly to things? Or is it just something that happens?" she asked softly, kindly.
"It's a mix of both I think, I can't help but react badly at first, and then like ten seconds later I realize what I'm doing and then I think, shit, I'm acting like an asshole right now, but by then it's too late and I can't take back the things I said or how I acted,"
"That must be very hard," she replied with a sympathetic look "This is a bit of an off base question but do you tend to talk bad about yourself a lot?"
"Yeah," he shrugged "Doesn't everyone?"
"Unfortunately, most people do," she nodded "It's a very hard habit to break, the self-deprecation, especially when comedians are making millions by putting themselves down, it's kind of become trendy. It's a defense mechanism of sorts, it's a way to prevent others from ridiculing you because you beat them to it but people don't realize how heavily it can affect them. If you tell yourself something so many times you start to believe it's true,"
"So how do I break this habit?"
"Any time you start to think badly about it just question it out. Ask yourself why am I being mean to myself? Do I deserve to be treated this way? Would I let someone else talk to me like this? Then you can follow that with positive affirmations, you can do them at any time really, take a minute out of your day to say good things about yourself. Like I am intelligent, I am confident, I am strong. They can be up to you,"
Dennis nodded at her advice. It sounded a bit stupid, didn't it? A bit too hippy-dippy, live, laugh, love, and treat yourself with kindness brand of self-help that felt sickeningly positivity. But it was worth a shot, wasn't it? Even if it didn't work he doesn't lose anything from trying it.
She continued to ask question after question.
Dennis wanted to be mad but something about her disposition made it impossible to get upset with her. It was clear that the Doctor was good at her job so he rambled on about his anger issues, narcissistic behaviors, his previous diagnosis, and medications. Questions about his family, and his home life that he tried to answer as vaguely as possible despite knowing that the answers weren't helpful. Before he knew it his hour was over and he was almost hesitant to leave.
"Well, Dennis I think our hour is up," she motioned to the clock "It was nice meeting you and getting to know you and I believe you've already scheduled more upcoming sessions correct?"
"I did,"
"Great, I look forward to seeing you again," she smiled as she walked him out the door and Dennis returned to the waiting room.
Mac sat there with some stupid Men's Health magazine flipping through the pictures without bothering to read the words. Dennis didn't say anything, he didn't have to, Mac could feel him enter the room.
"How'd it go?" he asked as Dennis stood in front of him and he got up from his seat. There wasn't a reply, Dennis cupped Mac's cheeks and pulled him in close for a swift, and firm kiss.
"It went better than I thought it would,"
Mac's cheeks turned pink and the public display of affection made him flustered as he walked out with his boyfriend.
"And you are going to keep coming back right?"
"Yeah," Dennis replied honestly "I am,"
"Was she nice?"
"Yeah, she was great. I liked her, I think you'll like her too," Dennis replied and Mac felt an odd sense of jealousy.
It was completely irrational but love and jealousy aren't known for being rational. They had already talked about the implications of their relationship because Mac was eager to know if they were exclusive. Neither of them had ever really been in an actual committed relationship and Mac didn't want to push him into something so serious but Dennis' reaction to the question gave him relief.
Of course, we're exclusive Mac, why would I confess my love to you just to go out and leave you?
"Sucks we couldn't get back-to-back appointments," Mac whined as he realized they would have to be back here next evening, and then it would be his turn.
The nerves were taking over and he wasn't even sure why. He wanted to do this, to talk about all his issues, work through them and move on but he knew it wasn't as simple as that. Certain things will always follow you no matter how fast you learn to run.
"Did you talk to Frank and Charlie? About the group therapy?" Mac asked.
"I did. They don't want to do it,"
"Why?"
"Frank said he didn't need it, that the last therapist had fixed everything. And Charlie just said no," Dennis replied.
"Frank's too far gone for therapy. He needs another intervention, like a real one but I think Charlie really needs it. Have you heard the new songs he's been writing? I mean he tells me they're completely made up but I can't but read into them a little bit,"
"No, what are they about?"
"The stupid Nightman, and Dayman characters he's written about before. He played me a song that was weird as shit. It was like about spiders vs rats and then I think someone gets their hands cut off,"
"Who gets their hands cut off?"
"I dunno, the Night Man I think,"
"Why would he need to go to therapy for writing weird songs? As far as I know, Charlie hasn't cut off anyone's hands,"
Mac could only shake his head.
"I feel like the songs are weird retellings of his life or something, but I guess you're right, people write weird songs all the time and they don't go to shrinks," Mac said before taking a pause "What about Dee? Did you ask her?"
"No,"
"Why not?"
"It would be weird to ask her,"
"No it wouldn't, she's your sister,"
"Siblings don't go around telling their siblings they need therapy,"
"Then I'll ask her," Mac replied.
Dennis could only nod as he stared at the road ahead both literally, and metaphorically.
"Den the light is green,"
"Oh," he mumbled as he drove ahead.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just tired,"
I'm just tired and also thinking about every single thing that could go wrong and make you leave me.
"You sure?"
"Yes Mac I'm sure," he snapped with a raised voice.
It didn't dawn on him that Mac could be feeling the same way until he saw him squirm in his seat after his snappy response.
Dennis didn't realize that every time he was mean towards him alarms would go off in Mac's head and he was scared that Dennis would get so mad that he would leave. That sometimes Mac felt like he was walking on eggshells with a blindfold on because he didn't know if something he said or something he did would upset Dennis.
"Sorry," he blurted "I uh didn't mean to snap at you, it just happens sometimes but I'll try to not do that anymore, snap at you I mean, I'll really try," he rambled because he wasn't good at apologies.
Mac couldn't help but smile at Dennis' shaky apology. It was strange to see him this way but it was also comforting to know he was trying to be kinder and more gentle with him, it was proof that he was willing to make an effort to be with him.
...
"You nervous?"
"No," Mac said in a clipped tone as he squirmed in his seat and tapped his foot on the floor repeatedly.
"You'll be fine,"
Mac could only nod as he waited for his name to be called. Dennis reached for his cold clammy hand and held it even if he hated the feeling of sweat that leaked from Mac's nervous palms.
"Your hands are sweaty," he mumbled absentmindedly and Mac pulled his hand away and wiped it on his hands. Dennis looked at him with furrowed brows as he took his hand into his again
"Don't pull away from me," he whispered and Mac's breathing hitched at Dennis' words and his head nodded.
Dennis knew Mac liked to be talked to this way, he had never actually said it out loud but his body language gave it all away. For a control freak like Dennis, it was extremely endearing, he liked to boss Mac around just as much as Mac liked to be bossed around.
"McDonald!"
"She called your name," he smirked and squeezed his hand as he let him go.
Mac walked into the same room Dennis did just yesterday.
"Come in and take a seat," a woman smiled at him, he recognized her voice from the phone. A soft-spoken voice that simultaneously wasn't hard to hear.
"I'm Dr. Allison Armstrong, you can call me Allison or Allie if you'd like. I have it written here that you go by Mac is that correct?"
"Yeah,"
"Well, it's very nice to meet you, Mac," she smiled as she shook his hand.
"Nice to meet you," he replied as he pulled his hand away and wiped it on his jeans again because it just wouldn't stop sweating.
"Are you nervous?"
"No,"
"Well, if you are don't be," she smiled "I'm not here to make you anxious," she paused and motioned to papers in front of her, "I looked over your assessment forms and all the questions you answered but I'll ask some of them again is that okay?"
"Yeah,"
"I like to start with the big question, I wanna know what brought you here? What's the end goal?"
Mac sat there as he scoured his brain for an answer but his mind was drawing a complete blank.
Why was he here?
He was here for Dennis but that didn't feel like the correct answer. You shouldn't go to therapy to please other people, it should be something you do for yourself right? Mac's eyes were wide as he realized he had just sat there silent for a minute.
"Take your time," she smiled "I won't start your timer yet,"
"I guess I'm here for myself, I think I need help with dealing with things,"
"That's a great reason to be here. What are some of the things you feel like you need help dealing with?"
"Uh, well I have a bad relationship with my dad, and with myself, like my sexuality, I also have a bad relationship with my mom, and my body," he rambled.
"Okay, well we're here to work on all of that. Do you wanna start with telling me about your parents?"
Mac nodded and he went on to ramble all about his parents and their faults, their weaknesses, the good things, the bad things, all the things he wanted from them but never got.
It seemed like the more he talked the more he wanted to keep talking. He remember how Frank had said that he had become unzipped at his therapy session and Mac now understood what that meant. There was a solace in airing your grievances even if you didn't have a way to fix them.
"And my dad never said I love you,"
"That must be very hard both when you were a child and now as an adult," she said.
"Yeah, it is!" Mac replied.
It is really hard to deal with, it is super difficult to deal with and he's not a pussy for feeling that way, no matter how many times his dad called him that word. It's not weak for a child to yearn for their parent's love.
"I assume your father very closed off with his emotions," Mac nodded in response "Do you find that you are closed off with your emotions like he is?"
Mac shook his head and realized that even though he had grown up in an environment where he was tormented for being vocal about his feelings it never stopped him from expressing them. If anything it made him think he had to act out and be super clear about how he felt in order to be heard. It was in his nature to be emotional, even if his emotions were volatile at some points.
"That's good. I know many people who grow up in similar environments have a hard time expressing themselves but from what I can tell you don't seem to have a difficulty with that,"
She asked a few more questions and Mac answered them all in great detail. She was in awe of how raw, open, and vulnerable he was despite it being only their first session. People went years without revealing as much as he did in one hour.
She walked him out into the waiting area and noticed a familiar face in the room. It didn't click to her why she thought her current patient looked so familiar until she realized she had seen him in the waiting room the previous day.
"I look forward to seeing you next time Mac," she smiled.
"Yeah me too," Mac mumbled as he walked out to find Dennis so that they could go home.
She closed the door but peered through the small rectangular window, making sure she wasn't visible from the outside. Mac walked over and greeted the other man, holding onto his hand as they walked out of the office. She couldn't help but smile at what she had just witnessed. As any person would she wanted to gossip to Mac about his cute boyfriend (because Dennis didn't seem like the gossipy, gushy type) but that wouldn't be professional.
It was comforting to know that they had support from each other. Obviously, she didn't know much about their relationship but sitting in a stuffy waiting room for an hour was more than she had seen some people do in years of marriage.
...
"Did you talk about me?"
"No,"
"No?" Dennis asked feeling slightly offended.
Mac moved his head off of Dennis' chest so that he could look at him. They hadn't actually talked about what happened during their respective sessions. It hadn't been a priority when they got home from the bar, hanging off of each other after a few drinks and stumbling to Mac's room.
"I only talked about bad things, and you're not a bad thing,"
"I'm not?"
"No of course your not," he replied putting his head back on Dennis' chest and reveling in the way his hand ran through his hair. His sleepy eyes closed on their own.
"Are you going to talk about me? Eventually?" he asked.
"I dunno, maybe, I think we should save that for couple's therapy,"
"Couples therapy?!"
"Uh, yeah,"
"We're already doing normal therapy do we really need to do couples therapy on top of that? We haven't even been together that long,"
"Why are you so hesitant dude? I'm not saying we have to do it now. And also in a way we've been together for a few decades," he replied softly.
"I just— I feel like couples therapy would is a sign that the ship is sinking. It's a last-ditch effort to save it but it's hopeless. Once a ship starts sinking it's sunk!"
"No, it's not. We don't have to do it," Mac sighed "but I feel like it would help. Just think about it please,"
Dennis looked down at Mac's puppy dog eyes and muttered "Fine," before his mind could catch up to his words.
"You were right," Mac mumbled after a few beats of silence had passed.
"About what?"
"About my bed being more comfortable," he replied as he rolled onto his back.
"That reminds me you gotta get your sheets out of the washing machine and into the dryer," Dennis replied with a smirk.
"You gotta make sure to not make a mess on my sheets," Mac replied trying to hide his own smile.
"Don't tell me what to do,"
Mac sighed with content, he had never felt close with someone as he did with Dennis now. He thought it would be awkward, and weird to get so close to someone you've known for so long but never touched in that way.
He expected Dennis to be hesitant, it wasn't like he was known for being a very affectionate person. The proof of his intimacy issues was in the recordings of Dennis that Mac would watch, in them, he was cold, methodical, and calculated.
The only connection truly present was the way Dennis would look into the camera with what was almost a smirk. It made Mac feel like he was in on some kind of joke. That Dennis was looking at him and saying I wish this was you, I'm with her but I wish this was you, in a very cryptic homo-erotic kind of way.
They were both nervous, it was clear to see in the way their hushed voices spoke to each other with caution. Despite being the less experienced of the two Dennis took control and Mac didn't mind it. He liked the attention Dennis was giving to him, the validation that he got when he did just what Dennis said. Just like that baby boy, was whispered into his ear and sent shivers down his spine. Even now just the thought of those words made goosebumps appear on his skin.
"What are you thinking about?" Dennis asked looking up from his phone.
"Nothing," Mac answered quickly.
"Mhm," Dennis mumbled trying to stop a smile from forming on his face.
The giddiness, the exuberant joy that Mac gave him was unlike anything he had ever felt before. It didn't seem like he was worthy of it but he wasn't going to complain, especially when Mac was looking at him like he hung the stars in the sky.
"Mac,"
"Yeah?"
It was still so nerve-wracking to say what he was about to say, he's only said once after they had first confessed it to each other almost a month ago. It hadn't even been him who had said it first that time, it had been Mac.
"I love you,"
"I love you too Den,"