Chapter Text
Eighteen
Mu Qing’s first kiss felt like a punch in the gut. It was hard, clumsy, breathtaking . He felt it echo after it was done. It lingered like a bruise.
Seventeen
Xie Lian starts shoving his and San Lang's (who said, not very politely that his name was Hua Cheng and only gege was allowed to call him San Lang) lunch tables together. He started pulling Mu Qing and Feng Xin's wrists to sit next to him, going so far as to sit on Hua Cheng's lap if there were not enough seats just to free up some space.
Mu Qing watched, speechless every time, at how Feng Xin and his smart ass mouth seemed to soften imperceptibly around Xie Lian. He was not as loud, his sarcastic comments muttered just below his breath so as not to cause Xie Lian to pout when he inevitably didn't get the joke. Xie Lian in turn seemed to open up to Feng Xin like he'd always been a part of the friend group, making marked efforts to make him feel included, smiling at him like he only used to smile at Mu Qing and Mu Qing was fine with that. He was fine with it, he was glad even, combining the friend group was a great idea. Sure he didn't like most of Hua Cheng's friends and sure he found Hua Cheng's awkward blooming bromance with He Xuan painful to watch but it was fine. At least he saw Xie Lian every day now. At least, Xie Lian no longer frowned whenever he looked at Feng Xin and Mu Qing interact as if he felt left out. He smiled at them now, fond, a softer look than the lovey dovey smile he doted on his boyfriend but no less affectionate. And it was fine.
It was fine!
Except every time that Xie Lian casually touched Feng Xin or smiled at him something inside Mu Qing curled up and away, as if he wanted to physically turn from the situation, unacknowledge it. Except that the entire table seemed to be following Xie Lian's lead, welcoming Feng Xin, smiling at him, laughing at his jokes. 'He's not that funny,' Feng Xin thought bratty, and petty, and some other emotion he refused to name. Except that now, Mu Qing couldn't just rely on seeing Feng Xin at the skatepark every day, because some days he would be with Xie Lian, doing god knows what because Mu Qing was too proud to just ask. Except that now, Feng Xin had finally gotten out of his new student funk. It was bound to happen, Mu Qing knew Feng Xin had been in the school for a few months already and was about to finish his first semester with them, he was bound to spend the summer break bullshitting his way through the summer reading list with them. But-
But.
Mu Qing had grown used to their banter, to Feng Xin following him around not like a lost puppy but not unlike one either. He missed having to introduce Feng Xin to people, being the first point of contact. He didn't have to do that anymore. Feng Xin didn't need him anymore.
So he started picking on Feng Xin, poking fun at him in increasingly petty ways because he didn't know how else to act when he was feeling so…so… weird . How dare Feng Xin, who was his reprieve from the whole Xie Lian situation, suddenly blush over Xie Lian? How dare Xie Lian make him blush? How dare they get along better with each other than with him? How dare Feng Xin sweep him to the side once he met new people? The same way Xie Lian did when he started dating Hua Cheng. Was he that forgettable? Was he just easily replaceable?
Feng Xin took it all in stride, as if he couldn't tell that Mu Qing's jokes went from regular witty banter to petty little snide remarks. Somehow it made everything even worse, made Mu Qing feel shitty for being so replaceable but also feel guilty and like he should be replaced, like it's what he deserved. Even if this was the kind of banter they shared, even if this was their dynamic-- Mu Qing knew he was just being petty and mean, and Feng Xin, (dumbass, friendly, annoying Feng Xin) couldn't even tell the difference.
Mu Qing groaned.
He was alone. Again. Lying on the grass at the skatepark, staring up at the sky like some coming of age supporting character- like some loser. Except in a coming of age story the supporting character would be joined by the main character, and there would be some enlightening conversation to be had. Something that would lead to character development.
But there was nothing like that here. In fact the only sound he heard for the first time in what felt like forever was the warning sound of the sprinklers turning on.
"Fuck!" Mu Qing exclaimed. Feeling too embarrassed and pathetic to stand up from where he lay. "Might as well," he sighed. "This might as well happen." He let the sprinklers soak through his clothes, glad his phone was in his waterproof backpack, portable charger and all.
He felt so stupid, so lame , lying there letting himself get fake rained on and melting into a pile of pathetic teenaged angst. How humiliating.
He thought about how he had come here, hoping to see Feng Xin only to open snapchat and see a fresh snap of Xie Lian and Feng Xin covered in flour with the caption 'he's helping me bake cookies for San Lang<3' glaring at him. He wished he were shameless enough to reply with a 'thanks for the invite'. Wish he were shameless enough to just show up at Xie Lian's house. He ignored the following snap of a plate full of burnt cookies that said 'saved you some.' He didn't need their leftovers, just like he knew they didn't need his reply, they were having plenty of fun destroying Xie Lian's parents kitchen without his input. Nevermind that out of the three of them, Mu Qing was the better cook. (Not that that was saying much.)
His eyes fixed on the sky above, knowing that if his friends were here they would be ignoring him completely. Hua Cheng telling Xie Lian about constellations that probably didn't even exist and Xie Lian eating it up. Feng Xin probably shoving at him for being a boring lug and lying on the grass, trying to incite a reaction just so Mu Qing would get up and compete in whatever dumbass game Feng Xin wanted to play. Mu Qing would get up, eventually, pretending to be put out. Xie Lian would get distracted by them, Hua Cheng would get pouty and Feng Xin would blush at having Xie Lian looking at him. Mu Qing couldn't even blame him, he knew what it was like to have Xie Lian's undivided attention. How overwhelming those warm eyes could be. How easy it was to become enamored with Xie Lian's sweet smile. He wondered if Xie Lian was aware of the fact that almost everyone he sat with at lunch had a crush on him or had a crush on him in the past. Mu Qing doubted Xie Lian would ever be so self aware.
Mu Qing couldn't blame him, even though Feng Xin knew . Had known pretty much the whole time what Xie Lian was to Mu Qing. He couldn't blame him. He understood.
Mu Qing closed his eyes with a sigh. He felt really pathetic. Sitting soaked and getting pelted by sprinklers while his best friends were baking (burning) cookies. Soaked and miserable, looking like a drowned feral cat.
He didn't know how long he laid there, flattened like a pathetic pancake on the muddy earth, dark hair plastered across his forehead. All he knew is that it must have been a long time, because the sprinklers stopped.
"What are you doing?"
Ah, the main character had arrived after all.
"Xie Lian?" Mu Qing asked, surprised. Next to him, stood Feng Xin, an eyebrow raised, eyes vaguely judgmental. Mu Qing felt his metaphorical hackles rise, embarrassed to be caught looking the way he did.
"You are all wet!" Xie Lian frowned. Rushing to take off his hoodie to offer it to Mu Qing. Feng Xin rolled his eyes, staring at Mu Qing like he thought he was an idiot, before raising his free hand to stop Xie Lian.
"Don't worry, I'll take care of him. You can go home, thanks for trying to walk me back." Feng Xin said, pushing Xie Lian's sleeve back in place. In his other hand was the plate of cookies that had been on the snap Xie Lian had sent earlier.
"But-" Xie Lian protested.
"Go home, I'll deal with him."
I'll deal with him . He said, like Mu Qing was a problem to be 'dealt with'. Mu Qing glared, refusing to sit up and give them both a proper greeting.
"Nothing to 'deal with' here, I'm just," Mu Qing wracked his brain for an excuse that wasn't humiliating. He realized there was none, so he just settled for an approximation of the truth. "Stargazing." There. That was better than saying brooding . Which was a lot more accurate.
"At almost midnight? Sure." Feng Xin said, like he wanted to tease him about it. But instead he turned around and shoved Xie Lian towards the exit, going so far as to walk him back and helping him climb the fence. Mu Qing heard Xie Lian's yelled goodbye even from more than twelve feet away.
Mu Qing finally sat up. He got his backpack from where he was using it as a pillow and put his arms through the straps. He propped himself on one knee as he dusted his butt free of dirt.
"Leaving already?" Feng Xin asked. Mu Qing hadn't notice him walk back.
"It's almost midnight." Mu Qing mocked. Feng Xin snorted.
"I thought you were stargazing ," Feng Xin said. He stared down at Mu Qing, lips curved up into a smirk.
Mu Qing wanted to snap at him, but he settled for rolling his eyes. "Well, I'm done now." He said haughtily. Feng Xin stared into his eyes, something unreadable in them. He looked like there was something he wanted to say, something hanging just on the tip of his tongue. Mu Qing wondered if Feng Xin was going to say something important, if he was going to set aside their banter to actually say something of substance, but Feng Xin only sighed.
"Here," He stretched out the hand holding the plate of cookies. "They're a little burnt."
"A little?" Mu Qing said, staring dubiously at the offering.
"You saw the snap?" Feng Xin asked, too casual for it to be casual. Mu Qing wondered if he was making fun of him in his mind for being out with friends on a weekend while Mu Qing wallowed pathetic and wet in an empty park.
"Yes." Mu Qing said, beginning to stride towards the gate, leaving the plate in Feng Xin's outstretched hands.
"You didn't reply."
"I was busy."
"I-" Feng Xin paused. "He was hoping you would stop by."
"I was busy," Mu Qing repeated, slower this time, speaking in a way he knew would provoke Feng Xin. Usually when he adopted that tone Feng Xin would glare at him and mime punching him. An action that they did to each other very often but never actually followed through on.
"Stargazing?" Feng Xin was definitely mocking him now.
"Yes." Mu Qing hissed. He paused, causing Feng Xin to step on the heels of his soaked shoes. "Is something funny?"
"I mean," Feng Xin smirked. " You look kinda funny right now. A little like a wet cat. No." His smirk widened into a grin. "Maybe more like a drowned rat. You know like those New York City sewer rats?"
"Rat- You!" Mu Qing raised his arm as if to hit him and Feng Xin laughed, loud and honestly kind of ugly. Feng Xin's laugh was always unrestrained and usually dissolved into unattractive snorts. His laugh was always funnier than the joke. Mu Qing would never admit that he actually liked to hear it-- especially since he always used his snorting laughter as an excuse to poke fun at him. "Fuck you."
"Hey now, be nice." Feng Xin tutted. "After I offered you homemade cookies and everything? Ungrateful."
"Fuck off." Mu Qing muttered resuming his trek towards the exit but Feng Xin rushed to walk ahead of him, walking backwards so he could face him.
"Take them," Feng Xin said, his grin softened into a teasing smile. "We made them for you."
'Liar.' Mu Qing wanted to say. 'They are just whatever was left that you couldn't make yourselves eat and wasn't good enough for precious San Lang.' He grabbed the plate of cookies, making a show of checking the clear wrap was secure before shoving it into his backpack.
"Not even a thanks?" Feng Xin said, smiling like he'd accomplished some master scheme by getting Mu Qing to accept the burnt cookies. Mu Qing gave him a flat look.
"Thanks."
"Wait," Feng Xin said, pressing his hand onto Mu Qing's chest, still walking backwards, risking breaking his head on the pavement if he tripped on a stray pebble. Mu Qing paused, staring at Feng Xin exasperatedly.
"What now?"
But Feng Xin was taking off his pullover, t-shirt riding up as he did. Mu Qing quickly looked away, face warm as he tried not to think about the bit of skin that was exposed.
"Here," Feng Xin said, throwing the shirt at Mu Qing's face, snickering when it hit him.
"I don't need-"
"You are soaked," Feng Xin said. Then as if he didn't want to come across as if he were actually concerned he said, "plus you get all prissy when you're sick so just take it."
Mu Qing glared, but he didn't argue. For the most part Feng Xin was pretty laid back about things, but sometimes like with the cookies (and undoubtedly the pullover) he could be annoyingly stubborn. So Mu Qing acquiesced. "Turn around."
"What? Why?"
"So I can change out of my wet shirt." Mu Qing said as if it should be common sense. Feng Xin blinked at him in surprised, his face doing something funny before he gave Mu Qing a sleazy look meant to be annoying.
"Are you embarrassed? We are both guys," Feng Xin wiggled his eyebrows. "Or are you scared that my abs are better than yours?"
Mu Qing rolled his eyes realizing that it would be faster if he was the one to turn around instead. He took off his backpack, setting it gently on the ground, not because he didn't want to break the cookies, no not that- but because his phone was there and he didn't want to crack his screen, yeah thats why.
He lifted his shirt over his head, smirking to himself when he heard Feng Xin squeak, and put Feng Xin's pull over on. It smelled like him, like too much axe body spray and teenaged boy sweat. Mu Qing would never admit it (like many things regarding Feng Xin) but he quite liked how Feng Xin smelled.
"Well, I'll see you. I'll return it on Monday," Mu Qing said, already turning in the direction of his house.
"I'll walk you home!"
"We live in opposite directions."
"It's late."
"I can protect myself."
"I-"
Mu Qing threw his wet shirt at Feng Xin's face, an evil little smirk lighting up his face at the loud wet slapping sound it made. "Go home, Feng Xin. I'm not some damsel in distress, I'll be fine."
"I didn't say you were," Feng Xin said. He was gripping the wet shirt. His eyes shifty.
"So then go home," Mu Qing said. He climbed the fence, and started walking in the direction of his house. A few moments later, he felt Feng Xin's arm wrap around his shoulder, his fingers pulling on his ear.
"I'm walking you home."
Mu Qing rolled his eyes, but he didn't argue.
Sixteen
"So why don't you hang out with that friend of yours after school?" Feng Xin asked one day. They were eating outside of a food truck, loitering around because there were no chairs. Feng Xin was doing his best at eating a burrito that he could barely hold with two hands. There was some sour cream on the tip of his nose, Mu Qing could say something, but it was funnier to wait and see how long it would take Feng Xin to notice. "Did he finally realize how boring you are?" Feng Xin asked, grinning widely, cheeks stuffed full of food and chewed up grains of rice and carne asada just barely visible at the edges of his mouth.
Mu Qing looked at him as one might look at a used tissue.
"You've got jokes." Mu Qing said, not laughing at all. "He has a boyfriend."
" Ah ! Replaced by a younger, cooler model then." Feng Xin said sagely, discussing Hua Cheng as if he were a sports car. Despite himself Mu Qing let out a huff that might have been a laugh. "How long have you been friends?"
"We met in kindergarten," Mu Qing answered, taking a prim bite of his own burrito.
Feng Xin whistled. "Oof, long time."
"Yeah, he's-" Mu Qing stopped himself before he could say best friend. It was okay for him to admit stuff like that to Xie Lian, he knew Xie Lian liked to hear it. But, it was kind of embarrassing to admit to other people.
"Hm?" Feng Xin prompted, sour cream still on his nose.
"He's been around for a while," Mu Qing finished lamely.
"You know what I noticed?" Feng Xin asked, taking a loud sip of his mandarin jarritos. He licked his lips, and Mu Qing watched his pink tongue sweep over a full lower lip impassively. "All your friends are gay."
Mu Qing's eyes snapped to Feng Xin and his shoulders which had tensed at the question without him noticing relaxed when he realized there was no judgment there.
"Is that a problem?" Mu Qing asked, wary, he didn't get the impression that Feng Xin was homophobic, but he was protective anyway.
"Nah, I tried dating a girl once," He said and he looked at Mu Qing pointedly. "It wasn't for me."
Mu Qing understood.
"What about you?" Feng Xin asked, he didn't wait for a response before he unhinged his jaw to grab another bite.
"No," Mu Qing said quietly. His face felt warm. He didn't know how to answer this question. He'd never talked about his…preferences, before. Who would he talk to about them? Xie Lian? No way. Hey I like boys, by the way you are the reason I realized! Plus Mu Qing wasn't even sure if he liked boys or just liked Xie Lian.
"No…?" Feng Xin asked around a mouth full.
"No, I've never dated a girl." Mu Qing settled for the least incriminating answer. He should have known Feng Xin wouldn't give it up so easily.
"A boy?" He asked. He at least had the decency to lower his voice when he asked. Mu Qing's face burned hotter and Feng Xin looked at his with a sparkle in his eyes. Like he understood the answer already.
"No."
That made Feng Xin pause. "You've never dated anyone?"
"Is that a problem?"
"No. I," Feng Xin shook his head, looking genuinely confused. "No I'm just surprised."
"Why?"
"You're, I mean," Feng Xin swallowed. He pulled his jarritos towards him, taking a loud gulp. "You're you."
Mu Qing rolled his eyes. "Thanks that clears up a lot."
"Nevermind, you're annoying. I can see why you're still single." Feng Xin snorted. Mu Qing watched as he scrambled for a napkin as soda went up his nose. Mu Qing mourned the loss of the smear of sour cream.
"Deserved."
"See? Forever alone."
"Shut up."
Feng Xin watched him eat quietly for a few minutes and Mu Qing fooled himself into thinking that the topic was dropped. "Have you ever had a crush?"
"We are still talking about this?" Mu Qing asked exasperatedly.
"I'm just asking! You don't have to answer if you're too scared to admit that big bad Mu Qing can actually have feelings-- y'know. Like a normal human being."
"I've had crushes before!" Mu Qing exclaimed, a little too loud. The middle school aged kid at the food truck that was in charge of handing out orders turned to give him a look. He blushed furiously and Feng Xin burst into loud laughter. "Shut up asshole, you are so annoying its not funny."
"It's hilarious, even the twelve year old is judging you."
"He has to be at least thirteen." Mu Qing said under his breath, embarrassed.
"Whatever helps you sleep at night dude," Feng Xin shoved the last bite of his burrito in his mouth.
"So…this crush of yours," Feng Xin nudged Mu Qing. "Who is it?"
Feng Xin was looking at Mu Qing with a gleam in his eyes, something that looked almost hopeful. Mu Qing wondered if this was a test, if Feng Xin was being this insistent because he wanted to gage how close they were despite the constant banter and bickering. He wanted to ignore the question but something in his wanted to avoid disappointing Feng Xin. He attributed it to it being a desire to keep his new friend happy. Lord knew he hadn't made a new friend all on his own since who knows when, probably since he befriended Xie Lian.
"He has a boyfriend." Mu Qing said. He didn't want to admit it was Xie Lian, it was already pathetic enough to have a crush that was taken, if he admitted that his crush was someone he had known since he was five he would never be able to meet Feng Xin's eyes again.
"Oh." Feng Xin said quietly. Mu Qing looked at Feng Xin, his eyes had dimmed, he looked sad- disappointed. Mu Qing hadn't considered that Feng Xin might feel empathetic, might feel sad for the loss of a crush that wasn't even his.
"Oh." Feng Xin repeated, even quieter.
Feng Xin understood.
Eighteen
Sometimes Mu Qing caught himself comparing Feng Xin and Xie Lian. There wasn't much about them that was similar, not much that was worth comparing, but Mu ing couldn't help himself.
Where Xie Lian was sweet and warm, Feng Xin was loud and abrasive. Where Xie Lian showed that he cared with smiles and quiet acts of servitude, Feng Xin showed it with taunting and childish jokes, like a child pulling its crushes pigtails.
Xie Lian was the calm, Feng Xin was the storm.
Seventeen
"Are you okay?" Xie Lian asked on a rare day that they were alone together.
They were in Xie Lian's bedroom, Xie Lian sitting on his desk chair with his feet on the bed while Mu Qing starfished Xie Lian's full sized bed. Inhaling a smell that was part sweat, saliva and Xie Lian's body wash. It was a little disgusting, but it was familiar.
Mu Qing startled, turning to look at Xie Lian from where he had been staring at a text that Feng Xin had sent him about how he had fallen asleep in front of Pei Ming and Pei Ming had drawn a dick on his cheek. Mu Qing had been smirking at the text about to text him that finally Feng Xin looked like what he was- a dickhead, when Xie Lian asked the unexpected question.
"I don't mean right now," Xie Lian clarified. "I mean, like, in general." Xie Lian waived his hands vaguely.
"Why do you ask?" Mu Qing asked, avoiding the question. Xie Lian looked at him like it didn't slip past him- it probably hadn't but Xie Lian wasn't like Feng Xin, Xie Lian would not push.
"I can't worry about my best friend?" Xie Lian said. "We rarely get a chance to talk alone anymore."
"Whose fault is that?" Mu Qing asked. Xie Lian frowned, and Mu Qing looked at him apologetically. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's not you."Mu Qing knew that even though it had been a few months since their fight, that sometimes it could still be a tender subject. "I blame Hua Cheng," He joked trying to keep the atmosphere from getting awkward. It worked, Xie Lian laughed.
"I blame Feng Xin," Xie Lian joked.
"Him too." Mu Qing agreed. "He loves your attention."
" My attention?" Xie Lian said incredulously. "Mu Qing, he's always with you."
"Or with you!" Mu Qing said defensively.
Xie Lian stared at him like he thought Mu Qing was missing the point. Mu Qing was not missing the point. "When he's with me he's always talking about you! I barely get a chance to miss you when we hang out because he's always like. 'Oh, Mu Qing would love this. You should send him a snap about where we are, see if he'll come.'"
"What?" Mu Qing looked genuinely confused. Xie Lian did not pause or acknowledge his question at all, apparently on a roll.
"And then when I ask him why can't he just invite you he says you won't come if it's him asking, or he'll say you ignore his texts."
Mu Qing did not ignore his texts, sometimes he would react with a like or a heart whenever Feng Xin sent a text complaining about a daily misfortune or a minor inconvenience he experienced. Just to keep the dynamic fresh.
Xie Lian shook his head, looking a mixture of exasperated and amused.
"He talks about me?" Mu Qing asked, more to himself than anything else. He doesn't notice the look of disbelief on Xie Lian's face.
"All the time. You are like, his favorite topic." Xie Lian said.
"Shut up," Mu Qing said, too surprised to remember that he usually doesn't snark at Xie Lian.
"I'm serious." Xie Lian said, staring at Mu Qing thoughtfully.
"You really never noticed? He like is always ready to go when it has anything to do with you."
"Ready to go?" Mu Qing echoed, looking a little disturbed at the word choice.
"You know what I mean."
"I don't."
"Like, ready to go… like ready to meet you, or talk about you, or talk to you, like he's just always ready."
"To annoy me, maybe," Mu Qing muttured, shaking his head. Xie Lian probably didn't realize what he was insinuating but Mu Qing knew that Feng Xin probably only ever talked about him to Xie Lian because they shared him in common. That's all.
"That too. If you want to fight, he's ready to fight, if you wanna skate, he's ready to skate," Xie Lian said. "Like I get that you guys are very similar-"
"Similar? We are nothing alike." Mu Qing complained, affronted.
"But, it's so funny. It's like you are his favorite topic, for real." Xie Lian laughed. "And if he's with you it's like there is nobody else in the room."
"That is not true," Mu Qing said, scandalized.
"Oh my god, yes it is!" And Xie Lian really was on a roll because he rolled his eyes and went off again, not even taking a moment to breathe. "During lunch if you are quiet he will make conversation with other people and stuff but as soon as you open your mouth to talk he turns to you."
"It's only polite to look at someone that is talking?" Mu Qing said, because its true, it's only polite. However, he was so floored by the conversation at hand that it came out sounding like a question.
"Yeah but he doesn't let anyone else talk. Like he will steer the conversation so that it's only the two of you until nobody else can even keep up."
"Usually it's because we are arguing."
Xie Lian looked at him like he didn't know whether he should laugh or cry.
"What?" Mu Qing asked defensively, he didn't like that expression on Xie Lian's face, almost like he was disappointed but at the same time laughing at him.
"Nothing," Xie Lian shakes his head.
"What?" Mu Qing insisted, eyebrows pinched.
"I'm done."
"What?"
"I'm gonna let you figure it out on your own."
"What?"
"Oh," Xie Lian said, looking at his phone when it pinged. "Pei Ming posted a picture on the groupchat."
"..."
"He drew a dick on Feng Xin's face."
Sixteen
It was prom night. It was prom night and Mu Qing was sitting across Feng Xin on an old seesaw at the park.
"It's weird that you are being this quiet." Feng Xin said. It was only the first few weeks of spring and the nights were still cold, so his nose and lips were bring pink and blowing mist with every exhale.
"Are you sure you don't want to stop by prom?"
"If I wanted to go to prom I would be at prom, not here with you." Feng Xin said simply. He shoved his hands in his jacket pocket, maintaining his balance on the seesaw perfectly even without holding on to the bar in front of him.
Mu Qing wanted to tease him about it, saying a line like 'so you want to be here with me then?' but he just looked at him, feeling his eyes sting for reasons other than the cold dry weather. Feng Xin was wearing a black beanie, and a puffy jacket that looked like it could survive a south pole expedition. It was almost comical, to see someone as larger than life and full of bravado as Feng Xin in a puffer coat with a beanie pressed so far down his head that not even his ear lobes were visible. Mu Qing couldn't decide if he looked like a marshmallow or an egg, or maybe a weird balance of the two.
"You look ridiculous," Mu Qing said instead, watching in amusement as Feng Xin went from looking relaxed (surprising for him) and placid (even more surprising for him) to offended.
"It's cold! I'm from the south, you know!" Feng Xin glared. His lip jutted out and Mu Qing almost laughed at how childish he looked, pouting in a fluffy coat in a seesaw. Feng Xin noticed Mu Qing holding back his laughed and lifted off harshly, causing Mu Qing to jerk forward, hands rushing to grip the cold steal of the seesaw.
"Asshole!" Mu Qing protested, finally giving in and laughing. His laugh was more akin to a snarky little cackle, and Feng Xin's glare deepend. He looked around as if trying to find something to fling at Mu Qing's head.
"You are the one making fun of me! As if I'm not suffering in the cold because of your sorry ass anyway," Feng Xin's words faded into a murmur. The pout had not quite left his face. He looked petulant and affronted.
He obviously didn't mean for Mu Qing to hear the murmur, but Mu Qing heard it and frowned.
"What would you rather do instead?" Mu Qing asked after an awkward moment of silence.
Feng Xin thought about it. "Have you ever played twenty questions?"
Which is how they found themselves sitting at the top of a ramp, legs dangling over the edge and leaning on their elbows.
"Okay so, lets start easy." Feng Xin said. Mu Qing could feel his eyes on his face even as he stared at the full moon above them. "What's your favorite color?"
"Are you serious?" Mu Qing turned to look at him, unimpressed. They were very close to each other. Shoulders brushing and faces so close that if they were both to lean forward even just a little bit their foreheads would touch. Mu Qing swallowed, he'd never really been this close to anyone that wasn't his mother or Xie Lian before, but he found that he didn't mind his proximity to Feng Xin. He was a warm solid presence beside him, a constant pressure across all the places where they touched. It was reassuring.
"Answer the question, loser."
Mu Qing rolled his eyes. "Black."
"Of course it's black," Feng Xin said with an eye roll of his own.
Mu Qing raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with black?"
"It's basic," Feng Xin said, looking smug. "Kinda like you."
Mu Qing narrowed his eyes. "What's your favorite color then?"
"No no no," Feng Xin shook his head. "No repeat questions, that is so boring."
"It's black too isn't it?"
"I said no repeat questions, ask something else." Feng Xin's lips were curling into a teasing smile. "Be creative."
Mu Qing wracked his brain for a question to ask that wasn't 'basic' and could be qualified as 'creative' he gave up pretty quickly and asked something that he was curious about from the moment they met. "Why did you move in the middle of term?"
"My mom got a new job," Feng Xin answered easily. "When did you start skating?"
"When Xie Lian turned twelve his parents gave him a skateboard so he forced me to go skating with him," Mu Qing said. He didn't realize that his lips had curved into a soft nostalgic smile.
Feng Xin stared at his soft smile, a mirroring smile appearing on his face, Mu Qing thought that when he wasn't glaring because he wanted to look intimidating or smirking like a cocky bastard Feng Xin was rather handsome. The realization caused him to clear his throat and scramble to find a question to ask.
"Do you like boys?"
Mu Qing blanched. That was not the question he meant to ask. In fact, he didn't know what question he meant to ask but he just knew it wasn't that one. "You don't have to answer!" He rushed to say. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"
"Yes." Feng Xin said easily, staring at Mu Qing intensely. Mu Qing stared back, their eyes locked on each other. Mu Qing almost felt like they were in a stare off to see who would blink or look away first. Feng Xin has long eyelashes, long and straight, they framed his eyes prettily, making his eyes look long and sharp. Mu Qing swallowed.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Okay," Mu Qing licked his lips nervously, and Feng Xin broke their stare to look at his lips before he sighed, his breath misting the air between them like smoke. Mu Qing swore he could feel it caressing his face. "Exclusively?"
Feng Xin's lips curled up in one corner, a sly look, "one question at a time."
Mu Qing rolled his eyes and exhaled, annoyed for no reason other than Feng Xin's sly smirk. He laid on his back and Feng Xin stared down at him still smirking. He looked at Mu Qing thoughtfully, and Mu Qing wanted to squirm, staring up at Feng Xin while he stared down at him with such undivided focus made him feel restless, almost like it triggered his flight or fight.
Finally, Feng Xin leaned down, resting all of his weight on one elbow, face aimed towards Mu Qing and basically leaning over him. Mu Qing squirmed wanting to put some distance between them but not wanting to lose at this unspoken game of chicken.
"The guy you like," he asked quietly. His breath obscured the expression on his face. "Who is it? Is it Xie Lian?"
Mu Qing's heart felt like it fell from his chest all the way to his feet, and he wanted more than anything to look away from Feng Xin's eyes. To look anywhere else, the sky above, the streetlight behind Feng Xin's head, but his eyes only flickered to Feng Xin's lips before snapping back up to his eyes.
Mu Qing licked his lips nervously, and Feng Xin let his eyes move from his eyes to his lips and then back up, slow and steady as if he was recording every single microexpression on Mu Qing's face.
"One question at a time," Mu Qing's voice was shaky. "Remember?"
Seventeen
Summer passed, and a new school year started and Mu Qing tried not to remember what Xie Lian had told him. Tried to shove the conversation to the back of his mind. It was silly, ridiculous actually, Feng Xin didn't look at Mu Qing like he was the only person in the room. Feng Xin blushed when Xie Lian pulled him aside to share some private comment or other with him, the pink staining his cheeks even minutes after they spoke, making Feng Xin uncharacteristically shy and unable to meet Mu Qing's eyes.
Mu Qing hated it, hated this weird feeling of wanting Feng Xin's attention and wanting Xie Lian's regard but hating when they looked at each other but ignored him. It confused him, made him feel like a horrible person. How can he feel jealous and possessive over his friends. How can he be so selfish? So…conceited.
"Who shit on your cereal?" Feng Xin would ask sometimes, when Mu Qing couldn't disguise his expression quickly enough. Mu Qing would always snap at him a mean and cranky 'shut the fuck up' that would do nothing but make Feng Xin turn his attention away from him and back to Xie Lian.
Fuck , Mu Qing thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck .
Mu Qing felt his chest ache. He wanted to tear his hair out. He was so angry, so confused, how could Xie Lian tell him that Feng Xin's eyes always went to him, how could Xie Lian lie . How could he look at Mu Qing when Feng Xin looked at Xie Lian like he held the secrets to his heart. Like how Mu Qing looked at Xie Lian, or used to look at Xie Lian or--
Mu Qing didn't care.
Xie Lian was with Hua Cheng, he had accepted that long ago, embraced it even. He didn't have to like Hua Cheng to like the smile he put on his best friend's face. He was content with Xie Lian and him staying best friends, as it always had been. As it always would be. He was glad to have a new friend, someone outside of Xie Lian, someone that was just his, a friend he made all on his own independent of Xie Lian. But then-
But then-
Blushed cheeks and bent heads, furtive glances away that paused on Mu Qing freezing as if caught doing something wrong. Snapchat stories, instagram posts, tweets, all of them without Mu Qing.
But Mu Qing was expected to believe that he was a 'favorite topic.' He tried so hard to convince himself that it was okay, tried to accept that he wasn't his best friend's best friend anymore-- and when that didn't work he tried so hard to make himself scarce. He tried to stay away, give them space to be friends without his cloud of gloom around them, without his pettiness and jealousy tainting their friendship. He tried to keep his mean streak under control, to shoot down his possessive streak.
They made it impossible.
He made it impossible.
"Mu Qing, let's race." He'd say, a cocky smirk on his face. Eyes bright and ready. 'He's always ready to go if it has anything to do with you.' "Winner gets bragging rights because I'm broke."
And pathetically Mu Qing always fell for it. "So you already admit you're a loser? Already planning for your loss?"
Mu Qing could almost fool himself sometimes, could almost convince himself that what Xie Lian said was not a lie. Sometimes he'd sit at lunch trading the food on his plate with his friends, knowing what they didn't like and trading it with them without complaint, and he'd catch Feng Xin looking at him. Something warm, tender and private , a look shared between them two alone. It was as if he saw past the simple action of food trading and saw it for what it was, the only way Mu Qing felt comfortable showing that he cared. In moments like that where Feng Xin stared at him, no expression in his face but brown eyes warm and focused, Mu Qing felt naked, like Feng Xin could see past all his pretenses, his prickly reserved exterior into who it was at his core. But, then the moment would pass and Feng Xin would smirk and say some dumbass comment that made Mu Qing feel silly for seeing things that weren't there.
"You should be more open with him," Xie Lian said one day.
"Who?" Mu Qing asked, but he knew.
"Feng Xin," Xie Lian answered anyway. "I know you are closed off and that's like, your thing, and I respect that. It's just, he doesn't know you the way I do, he met you like a year ago, how is he supposed to know what you are thinking or how you feel if you don't tell him?" Xie Lian frowned. "I mean I have known you since we were five, and not even I'm sure what's going through your head half the time."
Mu Qing resisted the urge to say something mean like 'it's none of your business,' instead he said: "if he can't tell then he's not paying attention."
Xie Lian muttered something under his breath, something that sounded like 'he's always paying attention.' He tutted, "he's not a mind reader, A-Qing and neither am I."
Eighteen
It all came to a head on the day of his eighteenth birthday.
Mu Qing had said again and again that he didn't want a birthday party, with varying degrees of honesty every time he said it. It was a mixture of not wanting to cause a fuss and genuine fear that it would be awkward and he would be delegated to the role of supporting cast even at his birthday party.
At this point Feng Xin and he could barely hold a conversation without Mu Qing turning snappy, the only time they ever spent together that was free of any petty repartee was when they were skating. What made it worse was that all the pettiness came entirely from Mu Qing, Feng Xin acting none the wiser. Mu Qing felt annoyed with himself for being the way he was but also with Feng Xin for not getting it-- for continuing to act like everything was the same and nothing had changed.
Feng Xin showed up to his house, exhausted after being held behind in class by his history teacher to discuss his grades, (which were perfect) it wasn't until later that he realized his friends had asked his teacher to stall him. So he was tired from school, hungry because he hadn't eaten too well during lunch and cranky because his friends had listened to him a little too well and not a single one of them had wished him a happy birthday.
"Mom, I'm home!" He called, when he walked in, taking his shoes off at the entrance, and seeing nothing amiss.
"In the kitchen!" His mom called and he followed, his feet dragging on the carpeted floor.
Mu Qing had no chance to even register the fact that the kitchen is full of people before everyone yelled "surprise!"
Mu Qing startled and then once it all registered he blinked, turned around grabbed his shoes and left.
He didn't get far before someone pulled him back by the wrist.
"Hey!" Feng Xin called. He was breathless, hair a little disheveled as if he'd ran after him. "What's going on? Where are you going?"
"Out," Mu Qing said simply. Ignoring the way his stomach twisted, at the sight of Feng Xin panting.
"I'll go with you," Feng Xin said, looking confused but not even bothering to ask where 'out' was.
"No need." Mu Qing pulled his wrist free, turning around to continue walking away. Stubbornly Feng Xin fell into step beside him.
"Are you okay? Is this because we didn't wish you a happy birthday all day?" Feng Xin offered him an unsure smile. He was treating Mu Qing like he was a spooked animal. "We did it so it would be an even bigger surprise."
"I said I didn't want a birthday party," Mu Qing snapped. He felt silly for reacting this way, but he'd already stormed out of his birthday party, and he thought about how embarrassing it would be to just turn around and go back with his tail between his legs. So he tried his best to ignore how Feng Xin kept tugging on his sleeve to pull him back.
"We can't just ignore your birthday!" Feng Xin complained and Mu Qing scoffed.
"You ignore me every other day of the year," Mu Qing muttered snidely.
Feng Xin looked completely taken aback. " Whoa . Back up. What are you talking about?"
Mu Qing ignored him. Hurrying his pace to leave Mu Qing behind.
"Oh no you don't," Feng Xin said, grabbing Mu Qing's hand and whipping him around. His dark eyes were wide and confused, his eyebrows furrowed, he looked like he was trying to solve a very complicated math problem. "Explain."
"I don't have to explain shit." Mu Qing tried to yank his hand back but Feng Xin gripped harder, reaching out to grab his other hand, holding them both tightly in his.
"Yes you do, because I don't know what the hell is going on," Feng Xin snapped. "What's wrong?"
"How can you not know?" Mu Qing snorted incredulously.
"How can I know if you don't tell me? Talk to me." Feng Xin implored. He started off with his voice raised, but the last sentence was said barely above a whisper. He pulled Mu Qing closer, so close that their noses nearly touched. Mu Qing's eyes nearly went cross eyed trying to stare into Feng Xin's eyes.
"You-" Mu Qing suddenly realized that his every pathetic thought, his every insecurity was about to tumble out of his mouth in a stream of unstoppable word vomit, and he closed his eyes. He didn't want to see Feng Xin's face when he heard all of Mu Qing's selfish and self centered thoughts. "You aren't there for me, none of you. My only friends there are you and Xie Lian and you guys like each other more than you like me." Mu Qing squeezed his eyes shut, his face burning. The words were said through gritted teeth.
"That's not true, Mu Qing. Why would you think that?" Feng Xin said, his hands wrapping around Mu Qing's tightly clenched fists.
"Yes it is. It is true. I know you have a crush on Xie Lian. I see the way you look at him. It's how I used to look at him." Mu Qing said, shaking his head back and forth as if it would help shake away the shame of what he was saying. Admitting this outloud, no matter how long he'd been thinking it, it felt truly humiliating. Like he was a child saying 'why don't you like me?'
"How do I look at Xie Lian?" Feng Xin asked dumbly. "Mu Qing." Feng Xin raised one of his hands to ghost his fingers over one of Mu Qing's delicate cheekbones, They had been close to each other before. Had touched each other before, gently and roughly. Hands tracing bruises and scrapes delicately, hands pinching and poking teasingly-- but never a touch like this. So soft that it was barely there, almost shy. "Look at me."
"No." Mu Qing shook his head.
"Please," Feng Xin whispered. His hand went to the side of his face, over Mu Qing's burning ear, cupping the of his head before pushing their foreheads together. Mu Qing didn't want to breathe, was afraid that they were so close to each other that Feng Xin would be able to tell that his breaths were shaky.
"Leave me alone." Mu Qing whispered back. It was embarrassing. This was embarrassing. Mu Qing suddenly remembered his big fight with Xie Lian the year before, how his inability to talk to Xie Lian had led up to him blowing what should have been a simple conversation way out of proportion. A year had passed and he'd learned nothing. Still blowing things out of proportion, still blowing up for no reason. All because he would not just-
"Talk to me." Feng Xin repeated. "Please, if you are too embarrassed to look at me, at least just talk to me."
"Who's embarrassed?" Mu Qing snapped, but he still refused to open his eyes. Feng Xin let out a small chuckle, nothing more than an exhale that Mu Qing felt on his dry lips. He licked his lips.
"If you aren't embarrassed then tell me what's going on." Feng Xin demanded, but his confusion was making way for amusement and Mu Qing wanted to punch him. How can Feng Xin laugh, when Mu Qing has been tortured by these insecure pathetic intrusive thoughts for months.
"You like Xie Lian better than me, you look at him like he holds all of your secrets. I get it, I had a crush on him too-"
"Had?"
"That's what you pay attention to?" Mu Qing snaps, and he's so annoyed that he forgets to keep his eyes stubbornly closed. Feng Xin is looking at him with a soft smile, not his sly smirk, not his trouble making grin, but something soft and tender. Fond.
"I-"
"You have a crush on my best friend who you knew I had a crush on, totally disregarding bro code." Truthfully Mu Qing had no clue what bro code was, but he heard Pei Ming talk about it a lot, and having a crush on your friend's first love had to be a violation.
"Bro code?"
"You always hang out without me, always," Mu Qing ranted.
"We tell you where we are and you never come."
"You never ask me to come. You never ask."
"It's implied."
"Implied my ass, Feng Xin!" Mu Qing glared. "You look at him like-"
"Like you used to look at him. You said that already." Feng Xin said.
"Yeah, and you blush."
"And that bothers you?"
"Of course!"
"Because you have a crush on Xie Lian, right?" Feng Xin prodded. Mu Qing wanted to step on his foot. Wanted to wipe that stupid fond smile off his face. Wanted to yell at him and ask him what the fuck he was smiling for, what was so funny.
"I don't have a crush on Xie Lian."
"Ah, had . Sorry. You never told me when that changed."
"Are you making fun of me?"
"No. I'm just," Feng Xin chuckled. It sounded self deprecating. He stepped back giving Mu Qing some space, and immediately Mu Qing felt cold without him near. "It's just, funny, that you think I have a crush on Xie Lian."
"I'm not laughing."
"No. You aren't." Feng Xin sighed. He let go of Mu Qing's hands, passing his hands through his hair. Messing it up even more. "Let me just say, for the record. I don't like Xie Lian more than you, and in case you were still wondering, I don't have a crush on Xie Lian, nor have I ever had a crush on Xie Lian." He looked a little embarrassed before he turned resolutely towards Mu Qing, grabbing his hands again. "I'm sorry I made you doubt our friendship. Even if Xie Lian was single I would have never, I- you are right. It does violate bro code." Feng Xin laughed a little.
"The truth is when Xie Lian and I hang out we mostly just talk about you." Feng Xin confessed. Mu Qing's brain short circuited. So…Xie Lian wasn't lying about that? What else was Xie Lian being honest about? "I don't know you as well as Xie Lian, and sometimes you are a little hard to read, all we do is just- I don't know- play fight, I guess? It's hard to really get to know someone when they don't really want to open up to you in any significant way, and I'm kind of bad at this sort of thing anyway. I don't really have a lot of friends. Not like real ones anyway."
Mu Qing's shoulders relaxed a little. Watching how obviously embarrassed Feng Xin was- well, at least they both felt humiliated. "Why didn't you just tell me?"
"Do you really think you would have talked to me about feelings like this if I hadn't followed you just now?"
"I guess I see your point."
"You guess." Feng Xin raised an eyebrow.
Mu Qing rolled his eyes. "I see your point."
"Xie Lian was just helping me understand you better. I do like him. He is a good friend but-- I like you ," Feng Xin said, and he stared at Mu Qing intently. Mu Qing blushed scarlet, he knew that it wasn't that kind of like, but the way Feng Xin was staring at him, so intently as if he wanted to make sure that Mu Qing got it. Well, it had been a while since he had anybody's undivided attention on him like this, but it had been especially long since that person had been Feng Xin. His chest did something weird, a squeeze and he recognized the feeling from a time long ago, but he ignored it. Because that's what he was good at. That was what he knew best.
"I don't like it when you guys talk and act like I am not there," Mu Qing said. "I was scared you were going to do the same thing today."
"Is that why you left your party?" Feng Xin frowned.
Mu Qing looked away, too thin faced to admit it even though it was obviously true.
"I'm sorry. I'll talk to Xie Lian, I-"
"Don't, he'll feel guilty." Mu Qing said.
"Still, we shouldn't have made you feel that way."
"It's okay. It's my fault too, I bottle things up, I didn't tell you guys it was bothering me until I blew up," Mu Qing sighed.
"Then you have to talk to him, I can tell you I don't like him better, but I don't think you'll believe me if I tell you he doesn't like me better. I think you need to hear it from him."
Mu Qing didn't want to talk about anything at all anymore, frankly. Thankfully Feng Xin seemed to get that.
"Do you feel ready to go back? We don't have to explain anything, I can just text them to not ask questions."
"Okay."
When they returned nobody said anything about the fact that they were still holding hands. Nobody except Xie Lian.
'I'm glad you talked.'He texted and Mu Qing left it on read, to unsure and confused to know what to reply.
Seventeen
Sometimes when Mu Qing looked at Feng Xin he felt the echoes of a feeling he had only ever felt once before. A soft thrumming in his chest, a warm feeling on his tummy. Something too nervous to feel like comfort but too tender to cause anxiety. He felt it like a tingle in sweaty palms, like a swooping sensation on his navel, a desire to run towards Feng Xin and not care about what others thought about it. To stare at Feng Xin really stare at him, not fleeting glances, that just barely sated his curiosity but instead long lingering glances where he could get his fill. He knew that Feng Xin had sun spots on his face from all his skating, knew that more often than not his nose was peeling from a tan, he knew that Feng Xin's eyes were brown. He didn't know what constellations could be traced in his freckles, what shades of brown made up his iris. Mu Qing wanted to know, he'd like to find out.
When Mu Qing looked at Xie Lian he felt an easy familiarity, warm and welcoming like coming home. Xie Lian was familiar, safe, he knew everything he need to know. There was certainty with Xie Lian, there was no need to wonder.
When Mu Qing looked at Feng Xin, he wanted to see more, to know it all. Feng Xin was new, and exciting, he was the feeling Mu Qing got when he was about to skate off the edge of a tall ramp.
Mu Qing pondered on what it meant that he couldn't stop comparing Xie Lian and Feng Xin and he wondered.
Eighteen
At eighteen and just about to graduate Mu Qing could admit several things to himself: He loved Xie Lian dearly, loving him was natural, as easy as breathing. That being said he no longer had a crush on Xie Lian, probably hadn't had a crush on him for a while. It was likely that his crush on Xie Lian ended, when his crush on Feng Xin began. He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment it happened. He just knew that it did, seemingly arbitrarily, but at the same time not. It was a collection of things, it grew between dares and late night games of twenty questions. It grew despite Mu Qing. It grew because of him.
Because he let it.
Because he wanted it to.
Because even when he was confused, petty and jealous, he still couldn't bring himself to push Feng Xin away.
It grew because Feng Xin wouldn't let Mu Qing push him away.
"Are you ready?" Feng Xin said. "You graduate tomorrow."
"No." Mu Qing said, aiming for nonchalant but falling short. He sounded nervous- scared. Like a little kid riding his bike without training wheels for the very first time.
"How come I'm comforting you? You should be comforting me! What am I supposed to do once you and the rest go off to college?" Feng Xin said, but he still pressed his shoulder to Mu Qing's to comfort him. Feng Xin wrapped his hand around Mu Qing's wrist reassuringly, his thumb massaging his palm.
His palms were clammy.
They were at their usual place atop their favorite ramp staring at the sky, a new moon tonight, making everything just a bit darker and hazier. It was the last few weeks of spring, and it was humid, making their skin sticky and cool to the touch. There was a calm breeze, and it could almost be chilly, if they weren't still overheated from a race.
"Xie Lian and I are going to community college, we will be local. Plus, you still have Hua Cheng." Mu Qing reminded.
"Not Hua Cheng," Feng Xin groaned and smiled when Mu Qing laughed.
"Just admit you are going to miss seeing me in school everyday." Mu Qing teased turning his head to look at Feng Xin. Feng Xin smiled, in the soft way he'd been smiling at him ever since they had their talk at Mu Qing's birthday party. Mu Qing could almost fool himself into thinking that maybe Feng Xin had a crush too. That when he said I like you he'd meant I like you.
"I'm going to miss seeing you in school everyday," Feng Xin said easily.
Maybe it was the darkness provided by the new moon or maybe it was the fact that Mu Qing was standing at the precipice of something new and much scarier than anything he'd ever experience again but he curled towards Feng Xin resting his head on his chest.
"I'll miss you too," he said. He heard and felt Feng Xin's heart beat, how it seemed to have stuttered at restarted at his words. His own echoed that clumsy rhythm. Like their hearts were playing call and response.
They laid there in silence for several minutes. Mu Qing's head was on his chest. Feng Xin's arm wrapped loosely around his waist, his other hand playing with the fingers of Mu Qing's hand. Slowly, with trembling fingers Feng Xin raised his hand and Mu Qing waited with baited breath to see what Feng Xin would do.
He kissed the hollow at the center of his palm.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
Mu Qing licked his lips and raised his head, staring down at Feng Xin's dimly lit face with his heart in his throat.
"What are-"
"Do you remember what we talked about on your birthday?" Feng Xin interrupted. He took a deep breath, and Mu Qing heard how his lungs rattled with it. Feng Xin was nervous. That nervousness was contagious.
"Yes," Mu Qing said, and his voice shook. He thought he knew where this was going but he refused to get his hopes up. Better to not hope at all and avoid disappointment than to hope and only get heartbreak.
"You told me you thought I liked Xie Lian and I told you I liked you, why didn't you respond?" Feng Xin asked, his voice was think which nerves and Mu Qing swallowed convulsively, licking his dry lips like that would buy him enough time to avoid answering.
"You meant like a friend, didn't you?" Mu Qing asked, weakly. Shyly. His heart was beating so fast that he could hear his own blood rushing past his ears.
Feng Xin scoffed. "You're a dumbass, of course you would think that."
Mu Qing's heart did a pirouette, and he wanted to speak, to protest that he wasn't a dumbass (even though he was).
"Do you know why I would always blush around Xie Lian?" Feng Xin asked and he sounded exasperated, like he couldn't believe the absurd hilarity of what he was about to say.
Mu Qing shook his head, too tongue tied to answer with words.
"Because he would always ask me if I'd finally confessed to you, or tell me that you were looking at me a lot during lunch or some other thing that made me want to die." Feng Xin said. He closed his eyes, as if he was too embarrassed to look at Mu Qing any longer. "You don't have to answer me by the way, I know you don't look at me like that. I know your feelings for Xie Lian are complicated."
Mu Qing stared at him quietly for a moment digesting what Feng Xin just said. Finally grasping, fully, what an absolute fucking moron he was. Had always been, probably.
"It's funny that you think I have a crush on Xie Lian," Mu Qing started. Feng Xin's eyes snapped open, finding Mu Qing's despite the dim light. " I mean I do like him. He is a good friend but-- I like you ."
"Are you making fun of me?" Feng Xin said, his voice sounded choked up. Not like he was crying, but like he was choking on the weight of the knowledge that they were both the biggest most embarrassing idiots in their friend group.
Mu Qing shook his head but before he could open his mouth to speak Feng Xin had pulled his head down by the nape of his neck and pressed a harsh kiss on his mouth. It was clumsy, too hard, too inexperienced and full of feeling to feel good. Mu Qing’s first kiss felt like a punch in the gut. It was hard, bruising, breathtaking . He felt it echo after it was done. It lingered like a bruise.
"I like you so much." Feng Xin murmured against his lips.
"I like you too." Mu Qing responded.
Mu Qing's second kiss felt like a greeting, a shy hello. It was soft and warm. No less breathtaking than the first. He could still feel it on his lips when it was done, fading like the last few peels of laughter after a funny joke. Lingering like a fond smile full of affection.
"I like you," Feng Xin repeated.
"I like you," Mu Qing echoed.