Chapter Text
Tommy doesn’t know if Ranboo is trailing behind him or not.
It didn’t matter. Words only mean so little when he can’t even hear past his own heart throwing a fit in his ribcage. His thoughts were scattered, rattling violently like a cyclone as he took full and long strides back to Tubbo’s house.
When he gets there, he doesn’t waste his time in shoving his clothes and other things in his backpack with no regard for order. He just needs to get out of here, get away from Ranboo as fast as he can while he can still hold everything in. It can’t stay like this forever, unfortunately. Complicated and contradicting emotions can’t stay in the pit of his stomach for too long before something spills over. He could feel the need to cry rising up, the longer he’s aware of Ranboo and his presence and what he just told him and that terrifying look on his face.
No, no. Not the time to think about him now.
Tommy wears his blue coat over his hoodie before taking his bag on one shoulder strap.
If he goes now, he can catch the train back to his town before the sun sets. It would be the perfect time to lock himself in his room, just for a moment, he needs to be alone to let it all out. By the time his mother calls him for dinner, it would be like nothing happened. He’s a good actor, he can hold off that he didn’t just reveal his feelings to his best friend. He can act fine and silly and post random tiktoks to cement the fact that his early leave is nothing out of the ordinary.
“Tom, where are you going? I was getting us snacks. Where’s Ranboo?”
His breath stutters at being caught crossing the extension’s living room.
He grips onto the shoulder strap of his bag tightly like he’s hanging by a thread. He twists around to face his best friend with a forced smile.
“Toby, I need to go. Something came up back at home.” The shaky tone probably helped his appearance to be more convincing. He was not brave enough to elaborate, however.
“Oh. I could ask my dad to drive you back home. Do you want me to—“
“No!” He exclaimed loudly, both of them jumping in surprise. “I-I mean no. My mum’s waiting for me at the station. I can go on my own,” He rushes to wrap one strong arm around the brunet, hooking his chin over his shoulder. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”
From where they’re standing, just basking in the small comfort of hugging his best friend, Tommy thought he was safe. For a moment, he thought he didn’t have to leave. But the backdoor slides open and Ranboo rushes inside, panting heavily to catch his breath.
Their eyes briefly met and Tommy felt a jolt up his spine, instinct to flee taking over as he reluctantly let go of Tubbo.
“I-I gotta go.” He couldn’t even bear to look at Ranboo in the eye again. So, he doesn’t look back once he walks away.
Tommy runs as soon as he’s out of the front door, and he’s not the best at it.
He doesn’t need his body’s poor athleticism to tell him that. He had Ranboo’s overwhelming presence closing in on him from behind as his legs burned with desperation to push one after the other. He gulps deep breaths to fill his deprived lungs, tasting his own blood in his mouth, trying his earnest to get away even if he already knew his attempt to escape is futile.
“Tommy!”
Still, he keeps running.
He keeps going until there’s this semi-permanent stinging sensation in the corner of his eyes and he can’t really see.
“Tommy!”
He refuses to stop.
“Tom!”
A hand snatches his wrist, pulling back.
In the dead street of Tubbo’s neighborhood, where the sun was starting to set and the wind felt just as salty as the tears leaving streaks down his face, they both tried to catch their breaths. Tommy stares at where they were joined, at Ranboo’s grasp on his wrist. He didn’t know where to look, he didn’t know the American was already staring at him, trying to get a better hold on this confusing situation. He just wants to get out of here.
“Tommy,” At the delicate call of his name, his hands closed into tight fists. “Please, look at me.”
Does he really want that?
Did Ranboo want to humiliate him any further and see everything right through his eyes? Does his desperation give him some form of satisfaction? Does his unreciprocated feelings make him feel good?
Tommy didn’t have to bother asking. He snapped his head forward with a flash of anger behind the dark blue of his eyes. Despite the tears freely streaming down his face and the wide-eyed, startled look Ranboo now wears, he musters what is left of his strength and courage with a cold snarl.
“You’ve done enough already. You could have left us alone. Things would’ve been fine if you just didn’t treat me any differently! I was doing okay until you’ve gone all sweet on me like you just decided to pick up where we left off back in fuckin’ September!” He heaved a deep breath, reaching further into himself, freeing his frustrations he buried deep and thought would never see the light again. “You can’t just do that… You can’t just do that to me and expect me to play along. I’m done, Ranboo—just… Just fucking leave me alone!”
He starts up again, leaving his heart by Ranboo’s feet as he runs away.
This time, Ranboo doesn’t follow after him.
He was better off alone anyway. He asked for this.
The train ride back home is a tense one.
It’s starting to get dark and he could see his own reflection from the enclosed window. His eyes were bloodshot, puffy from all the crying, his nose and cheeks were red and his chest physically ached as he clutched at his own shirt. Despite all that, he doesn’t make an effort to fix his disheveled and ruined appearance. He’s just so, so tired.
Sitting alone with nothing else to do but wait for the tube to whisk him away provided no salvation. Not when all he did was replay the one-way conversation he had with Ranboo. Because no matter how much anger and frustration dwells within him, when it wears off after a while, he only leaves himself questioning and overthinking and looking through a magnifying glass to find where it all went wrong and how he could have fixed it.
Could it even be fixed?
He couldn’t tell if staying silent or exploding like he did had a better outcome over the other. It felt like the same lines intersected if he just kept quiet. But opening his mouth didn’t do him any good either. It’s jarring to think that nothing could be done over the rift in their friendship. It hurts. It really hurts. Wishing to go back in time when things were much simpler and he was just cluelessly in love is naive.
He mentioned September when he thought things were heading somewhere. Maybe he was just foolish to believe that there was something going on between them.
Once he got off the train, however. There’s a recognition in wanting and needing to talk to someone about this. Specifically, he could only think of one person who knew him better than he knew himself as he brought the storm right on his doorstep.
“Tom! You’re home much earlier than anticipated. Have you eaten already? I’m just starting up on dinner,”
“H-Hi mum. I just didn’t feel like staying longer.” For some reason, hearing the voice of his mother makes him tear up all over again.
He hides the need to cry by slumping against her. He might be taller but his mother has been an anchor in his life for as long as he first fractured a bone when he climbed a tree. Now, at eighteen, she still catches him between her arms like she knew exactly what he needed.
“Aw, my dear. I’ll get you some tea and cook your favorite meal. Would that help?” She runs her fingers through his hair sweetly. Oh, if she only knew…
Tommy laughed wetly.
Usually, he’d get annoyed and try to get away from her coddling. But in this moment, nothing is more comforting as he lets his mother guide him to the couch.
A furious wave of affection rolls over him and only hugging his mum can help clear the sky.
So, he’s back to square one.
He’s back to tossing and turning in his bed. Even after telling his mother everything, leaving nothing behind, he finds himself tragically not satisfied. His mum was perfect about it too, so supportive, teasing and warm altogether.
But he’s alone again to face his own rampant thoughts and there’s nothing he could do about the dialogue that goes on in his head. Only Taylor Swift is singing duets in his ears, serving as the other voice talking to him. Strangely enough, the accuracy hurts but he needed it to hurt, to at least remind himself why he chewed Ranboo out in the first place. He didn’t want to still be a believer that this could be fixed, giving himself hope is just volunteering himself to heartbreak.
And he’s done. He’s done.
He wants to be done. He’ll get over it—get over him.
“I know I'm probably better off on my own. Than lovin' a man who didn't know. What he had when he had it… And I see the permanent damage you did to me. Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic,” Oh, the luxury of forgetting when he started seeing him in a different light. Maybe this all could have been avoided if he didn’t let himself fall too hard. If he didn’t let his guard down because he was so fucking sure that he was straight. He was so sure until he entertained the idea of being with this one specific guy. ‘Fucking Ranboo, ’ He inwardly growled, even when he should despise him, he can’t. Part of him is clinging to what they were because it was that good, that perfect.
“I wish it wasn't 4:00 a.m., standing in the mirror. Saying to myself, you know you had to do it. I know the bravest thing I ever did was run…” Fuck. Fuck.
What he said back there, it needed to be said. He needed to be left alone or else, he’d never move on.
It’s been months since September and it has been impossible for him so far. All the distractions; parties, mini concerts for him by Lovejoy, vlogs and video ideas – they can only work for a while before he’s thinking in the middle of the night and all roads always lead back to Ranboo.
He had nothing left to cry.
Tommy sits up.
Checking the time and gasping at four fucking a.m. How did Taylor Swift fucking know?
He stared blankly at his ceiling, mulling over missing and thinking and pining over Ranboo.
Nothing has changed, except he has driven him away much sooner than anticipated. He always thought he had a bit more time, that saying goodbye to your feelings is a thing and not a fucking luxury.
Oh, he absolutely hates how wrong he is.
He can throw the towel and wave a white flag for anything, but this stung the worst.
He’ll just hope for the best that the feelings go away, eventually fade out and meet someone new. Putting trust in hope is just not efficient in moving on, but Ranboo had messed him up big time. He rudely made a space for himself in his heart and it would take quite a long time to fill that gaping hole with something or someone else. ‘Heartbreak takes time, son. You don’t just wake up and it magically goes away.’ His mother had told him after calming down from spilling his emotions.
If only.
“I know why we had to say goodbye. Like the back of my hand. But I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man…”
The following morning, which only meant a couple hours later, Tommy surprisingly went out of bed to join his parents for breakfast. Although his mum is rightfully giving him a watchful eye, his day started out like any other. It was as if last night didn’t happen and he didn’t cry in front of his mother, inconsolable for a full hour.
He loaded the dishwasher, fed the dogs, and took a shower. They’re probably the healthiest distractions he could utilize without going through the motions of getting drunk and sneaking back home like the other night. It’s quite a switch, his mother must be confused.
It’s like his mind and body operated on autopilot. He didn’t have to think about what he was doing, it felt all too mundane as time kept moving.
Tommy was actually looking forward to his days falling into place like this when Wilbur suddenly rings him out of nowhere.
It shouldn’t be out of the ordinary. The musician asks if he’s available to hang all the time. But still, apprehension filled his system as he hesitated in answering. It took a curious look from his mum tending to her flower bed across from where he sat on their outdoor bench to actually press the answer button.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Tommy!”
His brows immediately furrowed, huddling on himself like he is physically pulling his guard up. “Uh, hey Will. What’s up, mate? Why’d you call?”
There’s a long sigh from the other line, Wilbur having expected this kind of response. He doesn’t seem to be in the mood to beat around the bush as well when he answered, “I’m gonna be honest, Toby got worried so he called me to check up on you.”
Of course he did, and Tommy can’t even put it past his best friend. He left at a weird and abrupt time and Ranboo chased after him. The American probably didn’t mention the reason why Tubbo had to resort to calling Wilbur. It made sense.
“I’m fine. There’s no need to worry, king. I’m back home just hanging out with Walt and Betty.”
“Oh. That’s great! I’ll let Toby know… But, do you wanna talk about it? He kinda told me you left for an emergency back at home,”
“I—“ His heart is already thrashing in response, feeling anxious about the whole thing. “I really don’t want to. I’m fine, it’s just…” He shakes his head, unsure of how to continue.
“Yeah, yeah, man. I get you. I’ll tell Toby you’re all good. If you wanna talk just call me, okay?”
Tommy silently appreciates Wilbur giving him the room and space to breathe before he hears the sound of their doorbell ringing. His mother tells him to go check on the front door, thinking it’s one of the new cooking wares she ordered arriving on their doorstep.
“Alright, Will. I gotta go. Someone’s at our door and I need to go answer,”
“I heard. Yeah, bye king!”
With that, he placed his phone in his back pocket before crossing the threshold of the backyard to the kitchen and living room. He opens the door, expecting a cardboard box by his feet and nothing else beyond that.
So, imagine his surprise when Ranboo is standing right in front of him. He didn’t have his sunglasses on, there’s no escaping those expressive gray eyes and Tommy’s chest immediately tightened at the sight, he stepped back, hurriedly trying to close the door when a hand shot up to stop him.
“Wait, wait. Tommy! I came here to talk, I just—please, I only need a minute.” Ranboo’s desperation was evident in the way that his voice trembles, but Tommy is still immensely embarrassed, flustered beyond relief and overwhelmed, undone by his mere presence.
“A-Are you gonna leave once you’re done?”
“… Yeah… I have a train to catch to head back to Aimsey.”
That’s supposed to reassure him, not make his heart heavier and sink in the pit of his stomach. Still, if that’s what it takes to make Ranboo leave then…
Tommy chewed on his bottom lip, lowering his head to only stare at his shoes as he stepped outside and closed the front door behind them.
Admittedly, he has never felt so bare and vulnerable in his own home as he stood there with complicated emotions binding together with anxiety, at war with each other as he becomes dizzy and sick all over.
“First of all, I want to explain why I kept my trip a secret and you might hate me for my excuses but… I’m here to be honest with you and it’s up to you to decide what to think… Okay?”
He bit on his lip harder at how incredibly soft and delicate Ranboo is talking to him right now. He wants to tell him to knock it off, that there’s no need to walk on eggshells around him, but nothing comes out. Tommy merely gave a small nod as a signal for him to continue, still refusing to look at the boy.
He hears him sigh.
“It’s a business trip, and I’ll be heading back to America in two days,” This forced Tommy’s head to look up in surprise. Because two days… That’s in forty eight hours and that’s not a lot of time. He watches Ranboo rub the back of his neck out of nervous habit. “I say business trip when I was only doing all the paperwork needed for my move here but, the thing is, I kept it from you and Toby and everyone else because I didn’t want to overcomplicate my stay here when I’m just gonna leave again… It’s a shitty excuse, I get it. But, leaving the first time already took a huge toll on me—leaving you specifically, took a huge toll on me and that includes September, Tommy…”
A silent gasp left his lips and Ranboo isn’t done.
“And when I came back here, you looked busy and like, you were having the time of your life. I didn’t want to ruin that—“
“To hell with looking busy and happy, if you only said you were here, I would have dropped everything and cleared my fuckin’ schedule for you!” He’s not even sorry for cutting him off. He can’t believe what he’s hearing right now. This asshole wasn’t kidding when he said his excuses were shitty!
“Having the time of my life? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! From the moment you left, things haven’t been the same. You made me question everything, I thought I did something wrong, I thought I’m only reading into things. I thought the worst! I was losing my goddamn mind because of you, Ranboo—“
The rest gets cut off, Ranboo doesn’t give him a chance to finish the rest and call him a fucking asshole because a sudden move of kissing him with his hands cradling his face shuts him up for good.
Tommy tried to protest and pull away but Ranboo tames him just like that.
All nasty and enraged words meant to push him away melted.
Firm, soft and warm were the first three things that came to Tommy in the three full seconds that Ranboo’s lips were on his.
When Ranboo slightly pulls away with a soft smack of their lips, Tommy’s hand comes up to cover his own tingling mouth, eyes wide with shock and everything else that he can’t do anything about.
Ranboo kept his hands on him, thumbs tracing his cheekbones lovingly.
“I know that now.” Ranboo whispered in a voice so utterly devastated. “And I’m so terribly sorry that I gave you that impression. I was too busy wallowing on leaving everyone that I didn’t realize I was hurting you in the process. I thought—I thought acting indifferent and like, nothing was wrong would make things go back to normal…”
“D-Do you want things to go back to normal?” Tommy asked, unable to hide how incredibly shaky he has gotten.
“God, no.” Ranboo whimpered, pressing their foreheads together, breathing him in, the smell of home and everything he has ever wanted. “Definitely not. I don’t want to ever watch you walk away like that ever again. I’m not letting you go,”
Tommy chuckled wetly at the soft lips pecking him. “What does this mean for us? You’re leaving in two days.” He had to remind him. It’s all too good to be true.
“It means I’m only leaving to come back to you. When I get back here, when I don’t have to leave this country, we’re going to talk and we’ll have more time to straighten things up. But I don’t want this—“ He pulls Tommy closer as a gesture. “I don’t want us to be over.”
Somewhere along the wet streaks on Tommy’s face from the immense relief he felt and the desperation that comes with hearing those words, Tommy nods his head profusely, pulling Ranboo towards him in another searing kiss that felt more like a promise and a solid reminder of who the American is coming back to.
Ranboo did leave after two days.
But he made a promise that Tommy is holding onto as he listens to Taylor Swift on blast.
“Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close forever and ever? And ah, take me out, and take me home. You're my, my, my, my… Lover…”
She sings about being in love.