Chapter Text
10. Assuming you’ve made it this far Tony Stark is much like a cat, he has a ton of attitude, he sometimes brings you gifts you didn’t ask for, he runs away if you love him too much, and he gets pissed off when you don’t love him enough. Treat Tony as a cat, proceed with caution but know he loves you, even if he’s being an asshole and he’s left a metaphorical dead mouse in your shoe. Again.
Tony
After an eventful summer that included a trip to Spain, Clint getting kidnapped in Germany only to find out his kidnappers were Nat’s relatives, Rhodey getting alcohol poising, Tony and Jane breaking physics, Steve and Bucky getting arrested, forgetting Loki somewhere between Korea and England, and Thor preforming Shakespeare, Tony had to admit school was going to bore him, probably to death. That didn’t even include Steve’s summer art program, Nat punching a ballerina in the face, his adventure at the asylum, Sam accidentally getting a job at NASA, Howard shitting himself at a charity event, and Peggy making out with a senator. At this point he was starting to wonder if his life was some giant ass hallucination because really, all of this stuff happening to one group of people was highly unlikely. But here he was, sitting in a room with Justin Hammer of all people, like how did he even get into MIT, chatting with some guy named Von Doom. Based off that alone Tony was a fan, the fact that Doom was actually brilliant also helped.
Hammer tried to get a few words in edgewise but Tony cut him off, Doom was too smart to have to deal with Hammer’s yammering. That was when Reed Richards showed up, ugh, and insisted on sticking his two cents in. Doom, judging from the look of disgust and his leaning away, liked Richards as much as Tony did. That is to say not at all, seriously, if Richards was on fire Tony would have JARVIS scan him to see how long it took for a human body to burn through all the way. Okay, so maybe not, but that was only because of the smell. He still wouldn’t put Richards out though. “Your dad’s still waiting outside by the way, I think he’s waiting for you,” he says and the fucker sounds sincere. He was suspicious but he wanted to show Doom around the lab anyways, so if Richards was fucking with him he wouldn’t look like a fool.
“Fine, assuming he’s actually there I’ll deal with it. So Doom, wanna see the lab? If we’re lucky Bruce is already there, you’ll like Bruce,” he grins and Doom seems to relax a little and agrees.
Richards looks at Tony like he’s stupid, which is just dumb because hello, he’s worth literal billions and his ideas have revolutionized life as they knew it. Richards could eat a dick; he had no right to look at Tony like he was the dumb one out of the two of them. “You’re seriously going to hang out with this loser?” Richards says, gesturing vaguely in Doom’s direction. Doom wilts immediately and fuck that, he never was fond of bullies; maybe he should take a page from Steve’s book and fight him. Ha, no, his face was too precious for that.
“As opposed to what? Hanging out with you? I’d rather use Hammer tech of the rest of my life than spend a voluntary two minutes with you. Doom here not only has the best super villain name ever, but he’s actually brilliant, not riding on his daddies riches. So excuse us while we go change the world and you… change your hairstyle, what are you even trying to achieve?” Tony makes a few vague gestures at him. He steps around Richards, ditching him with Hammer because the two deserve each other.
“So what’s the story with you and Hammer? I’ve heard the stories,” Doom says, following him along. He damn well better have heard the right ones, not those absurd rumours that made Tony look like an ass when, no, Hammer was just dumb. Tony couldn’t help that Hammer had the IQ of a brain dead squirrel, but it was absolutely his responsibility to let Hammer know. Like what would happen if he didn’t and Hammer actually thought he was smart? People would die, that’s what, Hammer was absolutely irresponsible and not in all the fun ways like himself.
“Ugh, okay so when we were kids he used to fuck up everything for me. Literally nothing went right around him and he was always hanging around me like he was purposefully trying to ruin my genius,” Tony rolls his eyes.
Doom raises an eyebrow, “maybe he wanted to be your friend?” he suggests. Tony didn’t need to be a genius to know that was Doom’s story with Richards.
“That’s exactly what I thought, so I figured I’d be nice to him, it’s not like he can help being a simpleton,” Doom snorts out a laugh, “I tried to be nice, show him the rope a little, yeah? Well that was a dumb idea, this fucker; this soggy hot dog bun actually thought he was helping me. Honestly how arrogant do you have to be to assume that your making working technology better when every time you tamper with it it stops working? So I figure maybe he doesn’t know, he is that dumb so I let him work with me for a bit even though I’ve met dog turds smarter than him. By the end of the day all my stuff was ruined and when I was going back over things to see if I could salvage anything I find this thing, I don’t know what it was, but it was a hot mess extra mess, nix the hot. I don’t know if Hammer’s last brain cell hung itself out of loneliness at that particular moment of his life or what but he decided that was a good time to walk by and knock something over and the thing shorted out and blew me up. He says it was an accident but who’s that irresponsible and that dumb at the same time? So after that time he accidentally on purpose tried to kill me I’ve hated his guts, and also I’m just better than him, I can’t help it, it’s just how the world works and he needs to accept it,” Tony flaps his hand around for emphasis.
“I don’t usually like arrogance, but it looks good on you,” Doom says, grinning. Hell yeah arrogance looked good on him, everything looked good on him, he was Tony Stark for god’s sake. He kept that to himself though, no need to rub Doom’s nose in it.
“And what’s your deal with Richards? I haven’t heard anything about the two of you being in some huge rivalry,” Doom’s eyebrows pull together in confusion.
“Oh, we went to camp together when we were five and that bastard stole my Twinkie. I’ll never forgive him for that,” he glares back at the building Richards was presumably still in. Doom laughs so hard he doubles over.
“Tony!” someone calls from across the parking lot. He looks over to find his dad glaring at him, great, now Doom had to witness his family failings. Why could he meet Steve first? At least then he’d look like less of a twat.
“What?” he says, somewhat irritably.
“You’re not going to say goodbye?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. Tony could practically feel Doom judging him.
“You literally cried when Steve left for Columbia, you forgot you supposed to drive me to MIT. Why the hell would I say goodbye, there’s nothing to say goodbye to,” he snaps. Steve said he should communicate more so he figured he’d follow Steve’s advice. He knew damn well Steve didn’t mean be-an-asshole-to-his-dad-even-if-he-deserved-it but he could always claim this was his interpretation, besides, he was telling the truth. What was it that Loki said? That the truth was always more painful than even the most carefully constructed lie? Yeah, Howard could use a little of that.
He spots Jane carrying a bunch of equipment across the parking lot, behind her Thor had a bunch more equipment. “Hey Jane, come here and meet Victor Von Doom, great name right? He sounds like super villain!” he waves to her and she drops something. She goes to pick it up but Thor waves her off, getting whatever it was himself.
“That Jane, the giant blonde behind her is Thor, her boyfriend. He looks like a dumb jock but he’s actually pretty smart, not as smart as her though. She’s brilliant, you’ll love her… oh, and if you become a super villain promise me two things, one, don’t kill me, two, can I tinker with your tech?” he grins.
Doom snorts, “I won’t kill you, but I make no promises about my inventions.
Loki
He would have thought having Thor out of the house would have been great but it only resulted in him realizing his only friends were his brother’s friends and that was mostly because they were forced to spend time with him. It was embarrassing to say the least. It was even more embarrassing that Tony’s travel calls were the highlights of his life currently. That was why he found himself brooding in a coffee shop drinking a large black coffee. It was actually quite peaceful, the shop was near empty, it was snowing slowly outside, and Christmas music was playing quietly over the radio. It kind of reminded him off all those cliché shows where the protagonist’s loud love interest just happens to stumble in, disrupting the peace and shaking up the protagonist’s life, but in a good way. What a load of shit.
That, ironically, was when Darcy loudly stomps through the door and marches right over to him with obvious purpose. He didn’t recognize her at all, and with pretty lips like that he’d remember her face. Wait, what? He ignored the wayward thought as she dropped herself into the seat across from him, “so I have a friend and she thinks I can’t get your number but I think I’m a pretty fantastic catch and you are obviously going to be unable to resist my sexy charms,” she grins.
Loki grins too and leans forward, “well my friend, your out of luck, your sexy charms will do nothing to an asexual.” She was intriguing and he wanted to see how she reacted to that.
She didn’t even bat an eye, “fine than, I know I’m ascetically pleasing and I know that I’ve got your attention. So tell me what’s brought you here to brood this fine night?” she says, her lips curving up pleasantly.
He debated on how to answer for a few seconds and decided fuck it; he might as well tell her the truth. He had no intentions of seeing her again and she was a stranger, what weight would her judgement have on him anyways? “Well, for the last year and a half my life has been an absolute whirlwind of all these crazy adventures but the thing is the only reason I was even there was because of my brother, he’s very likeable you see. Me? Not so much, but my mom makes him drag me everywhere. He’s older than me though, his friends too, so obviously they’ve all gone off to college and here I am wondering if I should be happy that I got an adventure or embarrassed that that I’ve been living vicariously through my brother.”
For her part she took it well and with minimal judgment, “wow, all that before I got your name. Interesting,” she says and, shockingly, she doesn’t run for the hills.
He snorts, “well I figure I’m never going to see you again, what’s it matter? My name is Loki by the way.”
She looks at him silently for a few second before shifting in her seat to get more comfortable, “Darcy. And if you think we’re never talking again you have another thing coming my friend, I want to get to know the guy who was brave enough to dump all that on a complete stranger.”
“Brave? Please, I was telling the truth, there is nothing brave about stating facts,” he says because it’s true.
Darcy shakes her head, “most people spend their whole lives burying their heads in the sand because the truth is more painful than whatever it is they’re telling themselves. The truth is harsh, unyielding, being able to face it takes a kind of bravery most people don’t have. Now, your brother’s friends, do they still talk to you?” she asks.
He doesn’t see why that matters but he answers anyways, “Sure they do,” when they want something, but he leaves that out. Clint called for advice to fuck with people, Nat for his ability to find dirt on anyone, Steve for opinions on his art because Loki won’t lie, Tony for someone to travel with; Sam was the only one who called just because. He liked Tony best but Sam was the only one who had ever made an effort to make him feel like he was more than Thor’s irritating little brother before Tony got there and treated him like a person rather than an annoyance. He appreciated that so he always left Sam alone and defended him vehemently whenever someone said something bad about him. He was fairly certain Sam knew that but he never brought it up, he was grateful for that.
“Well then it seems to me that your brother’s friends were your friends too, being friends with one of you doesn’t cancel out the possibility of being friends with the other you know,” she’s not wrong but she doesn’t know Thor. He says as much and that starts them on a conversation that lasts much longer than he thought a conversation should. He didn’t mind though, for perhaps the first time in his life.
He spent a lot of time with Darcy after that, they had a surprising amount of things in common, including that they were both secret nerds. She had an actual Darth Vader suit that Loki told her she was obligated to bury him in if he dies before her. She agreed but only if she was allowed to have his sighed Harry Potter books and his extensive comic collection. He pretended to reluctantly agree but really he didn’t care, he’d give them to her now if she asked. That thought kind of scared him, he didn’t share much… well, he shared nothing, but he was willing to with her. When he got the call from Tony to go with him to Portugal he wasn’t expecting it like he would have been a couple months before. He told Tony that he had a date and Tony had snorted, “Then bring them too, idiot,” he says like that’s the most logical solution instead of an act of kindness. It was amazing how naturally selfless Tony was without really realizing it. Loki could never be so selfless.
Loki called Darcy, “do you have a passport?” he asks when she picks up.
“I do, why does that matter?” she replies. He can hear her rustling around, probably trying to find her glasses; she was forever losing the stupid things.
“Want to go to Portugal?” he asks, half answering her question.
“Now?” she sounds surprised though he supposed he would be too if this sort of thing wasn’t normal for him.
“Yes now, all expenses paid, all you have to do is show up ready for what is bound to be an adventure,” everything with Tony was an adventure, it was what everyone who spent time with him loved about him.
“What’s the catch?” Darcy says suspiciously.
“We’re going to sell you to the sex trade,” he says without missing a beat.
Peggy
She wasn’t expecting to join a top secret government organization but ever since Tony Stark became a regular person in her life the impossible always seemed to happen. Not that Tony was the reason behind her success, he certainly was not, but he was the reason she ended up on Maria’s radar. Peggy had always been ambitious and cut throat, willing to do whatever was necessary to be at the top of her peer group. Steve always said she acted like she had something to prove but she’d never told him he was right. Her mother walked out and left her with her dad and she figured if she wasn’t good enough for her mother then when her mother came back she’d be too good for her. It helped that Peggy liked being the best at everything she put effort into, it was kind of messed up but it made her feel nice to be superior to her peers at least in some way.
When she inevitably climbed to the top of her law class no one was really surprised, it was just how Peggy did things. She always figured it would be her ambition that got her a job, not Tony getting attacked by some nut. She made quick work of the guy, she was tired and she had no time for idiots trying to kill Tony, she wanted a damn nap. If she knew Maria was watching she’d have done it faster. Happy, Tony’s actual body guard have been shocked and the next morning he offered her a job while they were getting coffee. “Hold it there, Hogan, let me have a crack at her first,” a woman says.
Happy looks over Peggy’s head and nods at the woman, “Maria. Take her offer, kid, you’ll love it.” With that cryptic statement he walks off. Maria was around Peggy’s height but a bit thinner, certainly more disciplined, everything about Maria screamed military. She wondered what the hell someone like Maria would want from her.
Maria buys her coffee and leads Peggy to a table in the corner, “tell me about last night,” she says. Peggy knows what she means so she recounts the events methodically and in detail. Maria looks vaguely impressed and that simply would not do, kind of impressed was not how Peggy did things. “So you knew the gun was a fake?” she asks.
“Of course I knew it was a fake, why someone would be stupid enough to attack someone who makes weapons for a living with a fake gun I have no idea,” she rolls her eyes, “I suppose it doesn’t matter now though.”
Maria examines her for a few seconds, “how would you do it?” she asks.
Peggy raises her eyebrows, “how would I attack Tony? Well, I’d at least be smart enough to take out his… no, I’d be his security detail, no one would expect that and they wouldn’t look too closely into my story either. After all I’m a woman, women obviously can’t fight, people would act unsurpassed if I failed. That would be their stupidity,” she says lightly, looking out the window at Happy.
Maria laughs, “Good. Now let me tell you about S.H.E.I.L.D…” she explains everything to Peggy, including that she would be a bit behind in training and that she’d have to drop law school.
“Not for long, and I can do both,” she’d replied. Maria had shrugged and agreed, she started on Monday.
Peggy showed up not knowing what to expect so when some sexist twit suggested he had a few moves she’d like she fell into familiar territory. “Do you now, well, as a matter of fact so do I,” she says and punches him in the face, laying his ass out flat.
Maria chooses that moment to walk in and laughs at the flattened trainee, “this is Peggy Carter, a new recruit. I see you’ve all managed to piss her off already, I’d suggest you don’t. The woman stopped a possible assassination because she was tired and didn’t have time for that, she is not to be trifled with,” Maria smiles at her and Peggy knows immediately that she’ll like it here.
Maria was right about her being behind but it didn’t take her long to catch up, within a month she was already better than the worst students in the class and within two months she was in the top three students. That simply wouldn’t do, she would not be third, especially not if that meant being behind two sexist meat heads. Maria liked her though, and that was a plus, so when top of the class and grade A douche made a snide remark about her being less than him Maria barked out a laugh. “Calm your shit Trevor, she’s learned everything you have in a third of the time and she’s better at most of it too, plus she’s still getting straight A’s in law school. You were late to training every day this week and you finished three minutes after Carter, as far as I’m concerned she’s the best in this class. Anyone who disagrees with me can tell Director Melinda May why she should be looking at you instead of Carter, and let me tell you, good fucking luck.” Maria grins at the terrified recruits and nods to Peggy.
She enjoys the envious stares from her classmates, it meant that they were upset with her success and so long as she continued to get those looks she’d know everyone wanted to have her success. That didn’t mean she’d slack though, she still had work to do, top of the class to Maria wasn’t top of the class. When she gets home she finds a stern Asian lady standing in her kitchen and smiles at Melinda. “You used the bedroom window, didn’t you?” she asks even though she already knew the answer. That was the only logical entrance to use if she didn’t want to be seen at this time of day. She scoops up her cat and sits down at the table, waiting for Melinda to get to the point.
“You chose to sit? For all you know I want you dead,” Melinda says, clearly surprised with Peggy’s choice.
“If you wanted me dead I would be,” she says, she’s heard the stories about Melinda. She would consider Melinda terrifying if even only ten percent of the rumours were true.
“Maybe I want to lull you into a false sense of security,” she counters.
Peggy snorts, “than you would have knocked on my door, not crawled through my window.”
Melinda laughs and sits down, “Hill was right about you. I want to know about your friends,” she says like that’s a logical jump.
“My friends?” she asks, confused.
Melinda’s lips move up just a bit, “come on now Peggy, a girl with your level of ambition doesn’t hang out with people who slack. So tell me about your friends,” she repeats. Peggy’s best guess was that Melinda wanted more people like her so she told her about her friends. It wasn’t long before she noticed a trend. Thor was naturally an over achiever, Loki was constantly fighting to be better than Thor with some success, Steve and Rhodey both managed to get full ride scholarships to a prestigious prep school, Sam naturally excelled, Nat and Clint were the best at what they did, dancing and archery respectively, she wasn’t really friends with Bruce but he excelled too. Bucky, while not overly ambitious, would follow Steve to the ends of the earth to keep him safe if he had to.
Melinda listened patiently as she explained her strengths and weaknesses methodically and thoroughly, occasionally nodding. When she gets to the end of her list Melinda leans forward, “a couple of questions. Well, actually just one, you really think Tony Stark’s weakness is knowing he’s the smartest person in the room?” she makes a face at that, like she’s suddenly doubting her abilities.
“That and his low self-worth. You see, he has next to no self-confidence, don’t make that face at me, I know Tony in ways you don’t. But he knows he’s smart, way smarter than everyone else and he uses it like a shield, he’s built up this absurd persona around it, like if he’s able to outsmart the people he’s surrounded by he’ll be worth something. The problem is that he has no idea where the line is and his actions typically don’t have consequences, so when he does something very stupid to prove how much better he is he doesn’t know it. Rinse and repeat,” she says. The only time that trend was altered was with Steve, who made him see the consequences to his stupidity.
“And you think Tony is the most ambitious of your friends?” she asks. If Peggy wanted to be an ass she’d point out that was more than one question, Tony would, but she lets it go.
“Yes. Contrary to popular discourse Tony cares very deeply about what people think, he just doesn’t care what people think of him. His self-confidence, what little of it is there, stems from what he can do. That’s why he was so upset about all the attention Bucky’s arm got, when people found out about it it wasn’t perfect, you saw the way he insisted it wasn’t good. There is a reason why all his products are so good. Now, tell him he can’t do something impossible and I guarantee he’ll make it happen. Go on, tell him he can’t win a Nobel peace prize, I can guarantee that if he doesn’t succeed he’ll try damn hard to. Frankly I’d assume he’d keep trying till it happened. He’s not very fond of the word no unless it’s in reference to sex,” she says. Once she made the mistake of telling him he couldn’t make the jump between two buildings. Steve actually fainted when he jumped, he made it but that hadn’t made Steve feel any better.
“I’ll give him a week to make a change,” Melinda says, taking up Peggy’s challenge. Peggy laughs, Melinda was in for one hell of a surprise.
“I’ll give him twenty four hours,” Peggy says, she knows Tony, he won’t let her down. Or at least he better not, she’ll wring his scrawny neck.
Steve
He’d come to expect the unexpected from Tony but when he gets a call late on Friday night, or technically Saturday morning, Tony managed to shock him yet again. “I’m going to win a Nobel peace prize,” he says, out of the blue and with no explanation.
Maque, one of the girls in his program, looks at his phone like it just declared itself to be an alien species. “Are you on crack? Did you forget that Stark Industries kills people for profit?” She wasn’t fond of Tony though she liked Steve quite a lot. She constantly told him that he deserved better than Tony, once she said that in front of him and had been surprised when Tony agreed. He was pretty sure she didn’t think he was soulless after that, just an asshole.
“What do you think?” Tony asks.
Steve shrugged, “I think you’re going to win a Nobel peace prize,” he says, Tony always accomplished what he set out to.
Maque looks at him like he’s stupid, “are you insane? Okay, you need to go outside and get some fresh air because the paint fumes are obviously killing your brain cells.”
“While I do have faith in you Tony, how the hell are you going to accomplish this?” he asks. This does not redeem him to Maque, who drops her paint brush on her tray and walks off mumbling about him encouraging Tony Stark’s delusions of grandeur.
“Well first of all I have to stop selling weapons and guess who has the power to do that now? That’s right, me. I managed to talk dad into making me CEO, he’s probably gunna be pissed about this. His telling me I’m an idiot will fuel me. So, tomorrow I make the announcement, besides, Maque might be a walking stereotype of an art student but she makes a good point about killing people for profit. That is kind of shitty. Anyways, then I’m gunna recall all Stark weapons, oh, and I made a mini arc reactor! Doom said it was impossible but guess what bitches, it exists, I mean it shouldn’t because technically the tech for this doesn’t exist yet but hey, physics knows better than to fuck with me. Anyways clean energy is where I’m going with the company, I mean that’s peaceful, and it isn’t like people will stop needing power so dad’s bitching will be minimal. Hopefully. Seriously though, with arc reactor technology I can revolutionize the industry, Maque would be proud,” he says happily.
Maque chooses then to walk back in, “Maque thinks you’re an idiot,” she says bluntly.
“Maque will be proud,” Tony corrects, “anyways I gotta go write something resembling a speech and some sort of actual argument that isn’t ‘I want a Nobel peace prize’ so the board doesn’t eat my ass, but like in a bad way, so see ya.” Tony hangs up and Steve shakes his head.
“Do you seriously think he’s going to follow through with this?” Maque asks, looking genuine.
“Yeah. I know you and literally everyone else who thinks like you think Tony is some sort of soulless demon but that isn’t true. He’s just… deluded, he pretends he doesn’t care but he does, that’s why he does everything he can not to think about it too much. A Nobel peace prize might seem like a shitty reason to not sell weapons but the truth is that’s just the excuse he’s made so he has a reason to not sell weapons, he’s never liked that his family makes money off war.” He shrugs, it wasn’t like it wasn’t true, Tony might not admit it but that’s because Howard did a number on the poor guy.
“Tony Stark is so soulless, he’s a dog person,” Maque smiles at him and returns to her painting.
“He likes cats too, they just don’t like him,” he says in Tony’s defence. Maque rolls her eyes but laughs, insulting and defending Tony was like eighty percent of their relationship.
*
Peggy had called the next morning, in the middle of Tony’s very well written speech, he obviously did his research. His business plan wasn’t so bad either; he clearly knew what he was talking about there too. Howard’s face had been hilarious, he was pretty sure the guy was going to have an actual heart attack, his eyes had practically bugged straight out of their sockets. Peggy’s call comes as someone asked about school, which makes Tony laugh, “MIT is a joke guys, I’m obviously an engineering genius, I’ve been building engines since I was a toddler. However I’ll still be doing classes, can’t be a disappointment to the family now can I?” he says, laughing and looking at Howard. Howard looked like he was waiting for Happy to step aside so he could rip Tony’s head off; even his moustache was shaking with rage.
“Yeah?” Steve answers the call distractedly.
“Do you have time to meet with me today?” she asks.
“Sure,” he says because why not, he needed to laugh about this with someone and Peggy would find Howard’s twitching moustache hilarious.
“Great, I’ll text you the address,” she says and hangs up. He frowns at his phone, why wouldn’t he just meet her at her apartment? He shrugs it off and goes back to watching Tony alternate between well thought out answers and stupid jokes. Peggy texts the address and the time, he had enough time to shower and show up so he started moving.
The last thing he had expected was a giant white office building with a freakish amount of security. Now he was nervous, what the hell had Peggy gotten into? He was ushered along, no Peggy in sight, and brought to a room that looked suspiciously like an interrogation room. Now he was outright worried because really, what the hell Peggy? Two women walked in shortly after looking stern, the Asian lady looked like she could walk on coals without flinching. Jesus, Peggy must be in some shit. That was so unlike her though…
“Just a couple of questions, Mr. Rogers,” the thinner white woman says and sits down. The Asian lady remains standing beside the door with her hands tucked neatly behind her back, her feet shoulder width apart. Okay….
“Any that’ll explain when the hell is going on here, or where Peggy is? Or how you know my name?” he asks. He figured if Peggy gave him the address here they knew who she was.
“No. You’re in a windowless room full of innocent people and someone throws a grenade in, what do you do?” the white woman asks.
Steve rolls his eyes, “throw myself on the grenade, where is Peggy?” he says without really thinking about it.
“Okay,” the woman doesn’t react to his question at all, “you have valuable information that someone wants, you’ve been kidnapped and you captors are trying to torture the information out of you. What do you do?” she asks.
“If my information was important enough to waste time, effort, and money to kidnap me I’m too valuable to kill and someone else wants that information safe. Someone would come for me eventually or I’d die, whichever came first. Is Peggy okay?” He looks for any sign either woman knows anything about Peggy’s whereabouts. Neither of them gave anything away.
“You have a job, that job is to follow orders no matter what they are, who they come from, or what the cost is. Like a soldier. Do you do it?” the woman asks, tilting her head to the side. It was the most emotion he’d seen her show and head tilts didn’t really count with little to no context.
“No, I don’t do it, what the fuck? Is this Nazi Germany or something? Can someone please explain what the hell is going on here, Peggy didn’t sound worried or hurt on the phone so I’m going to guess she’s okay but that doesn’t really explain much,” he says irritably.
Someone knocks on the door and the Asian lady opens it, still expressionless, “I knew you’d pass!” Peggy all but shrieks as she runs through the door.
He lets her hug him and frowns, “what the hell?” he asks again, hoping Peggy would explain. Thankfully she did, though working for a super-secret government agency wasn’t the answer he expected. He did, however, take up the opportunity to watch his friends go through the same interview process. He even got to call Tony himself.
That was hilarious, especially Loki, surprisingly given that he wasn’t fond of the kid. Maria leans forward and asks the grenade question. Loki snorts, “I’d walk out the door,” he says.
“And the people?” she asks.
“If they aren’t smart enough to follow its natural selection,” he says. Nat signs this to Clint, who laughs so hard Loki hears him though the two way mirror. Clint said he’d toss the grenade back out the damn door, Nat said the same, Tony said he’d just take it apart, Bruce, Thor, Sam, and Bucky all threw themselves on it.
“I assure you, I will be having a talk with him about this,” Thor says, giving Loki offended looks.
Everyone answered the same as him for question two except for Nat, who opted to seduce her captors and snap their necks, and Loki, who said he’d give up the information to be freed but request to be freed first. He then said he’d lie about the information because his captors didn’t ask nicely. The third question yielded similar results, only his friends had the added “why not” thrown in. When Steve asked why he wasn’t asked that Maria told him he’d automatically cited Nazis as an example as to why following orders blindly was a dumb idea.
Clint said he’d be unable to sacrifice pizza and petting dogs if his unknown handler asked him to, but expressed his dislike of Vladimir Putin as a serious example. Thor, Bruce, and Bucky cite Nazis, Tony says the only rules he follows are the rules of physics and that’s only when he feels like it. Sam points out that dictatorships, historically, never really worked out well for anyone. Loki asks if he followed the orders long enough would he be the one giving them because he’d love to see Melinda do the chicken dance. He was told no and Loki snorts, saying he’d be unable to blindly follow anyone, his own judgement was far too important to him.
Maria asks him to elaborate and Loki says, “people blindly following someone who thinks they have authority has led to meninism and bronies, but not the ones who just watch the show, they’re okay, like the ones who masturbate to it and stuff. The world does not need more of those things,” he says, dead pan. Maria actually cracks up at the end and Melinda smiles ever so slightly. Clint falls on the ground laughing. Thor sighs loudly but Loki has a point so he doesn’t say anything.
In the end it takes one full month for S.H.E.I.L.D to get upset with Tony running rampant and another two weeks to ask Steve and Rhodey for help. Rhodey and Steve exchange a glance and ask for a couple hours. In that time they convince Tony to not be an ass because he’s making Peggy look bad, and then they print out one hundred edited copies of “So Your Friends With Tony: Your Guide To Tony Stark” to pass around.
Various other rules to follow regarding Tony:
11.DO NOT LET TONY LOOSE IN A WAL-MART
Example: if I have to tell you why this is a bad idea you are part of the problem (yes, Loki and Clint, we mean you two).
12. For god’s sAKE DO NOT TELL TONY HE CAN’T DO SOMETHING
Example: remember when Melinda told him he couldn’t win a Nobel peace prize and he did one better and achieved world peace for one full week? Don’t do this. Pls.
13. Reverse psychology works, the only time you can tell Tony he can’t do a thing is when you want him to do the thing
Example: recall the previous example
14. Watch your wording, Tony is a little shit and he WILL twist your words so he can do what he wants
Example: remember when that army guy told Tony to do that obstacle course and Tony clarified he was to “go through the course”? Yeah, well when we all thought he was being an idiot walking into the forest instead of through the course it was because he chose to walk from one end of the course to the other, therefore doing the course and not the obstacles. He sweetly told the guy that he wasn’t told to do the obstacles at all. He was pissed but he was forced to let it go due to Tony’s critical out of the box thinking.
15. If Tony has been working non-stop for a frightening amount of time just shut JARVIS down, to do that say “monkeyslut”. Please don’t question that, Tony enjoys Nathan from the show Misfits
Example: if you’re lucky JARVIS has recoded himself to shut off after forty-eight hours of constant use but Tony regularly reprograms that out so you may have to shut JARVIS off yourself and chase Tony to bed with a broom. MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T SNEAK BACK DOWN WHILE YOU’RE MAKING OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND, CLINT.
16. DO NOT LET TONY EAT SEVENTEEN POP-TARTS FOR DINNER HE WILL THROW UP
Example: Thor was very upset his stash was eaten. He was even more upset his brother was thrown up on. All in all Loki was the most pissed off about this decision. Stop laughing, Darcy.
17. FIFTY PIZZA NUGGETS IS NOT A BETTER IDEA, TONY, I DON’T CARE OF YOU’RE AN ADULT
Example: do I really need to explain why this is a dumb idea? To be clear if you let this happen you are responsible for his mess. He will make one. We will not clean it. Not again. We will send Romanov after you if you let this happen.
18. DO NOT LET HIM AND CLINT GO TO AN ANIMAL SHELTER, THEY WILL ADOPT THE WHOLE THING, EVEN THE RABBITS. THEY DO NOT CARE THAT RABBITS CONSUME CHILDREN’S SOULS
Example: we all remember the takeover of the animals. Even those soulless ass rabbits, I don’t know what Loki did with them but they are gone. That’s all that matters. Stop laughing, Steve; rabbits are the product of the devil.
19. Don’t talk shit about Steve, Rhodey, or his tech, he will fight
Example: remember that one idiot trainee who said something rude about Steve and Tony bit that guy? Yeah, everyone else does too. Steve made him go to therapy because what the fuck.
20. Do nOT COMPARE HIM TO JUSTIN HAMMER, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU OPRAH
Example: we all saw that episode of Oprah. That was not a smart move, Oprah.
21. Tony either make a HUGE deal of something, see the rule on dramatics, or he downplays the situation completely.
Example: he lost his phone and considered calling the National Guard, he gets shot and, to quote him, “I got a wee bit shot, I’ll be fine”. He couldn’t understand why Steve was freaking out and kept saying stupid shit like, “oh my god Steve, I’ve only been shot, it’s not like Pepper lost her phone, that would be a disaster,” and, “Steve, seriously, I’m only a little bit shot, its happens to everyone”. Steve probably would have smacked him but you know, he’d been shot.
22. Blasting Enter Sandman by Metallica will not help you sleep, Tony
Example: We’ve all had to listen to this damn song enough to know why it’s on here.
23. He stores food EVERYWHERE, no crack or crevice is safe
Example: Even Melinda has found food stashed in her stuff, if he can get to Melinda none of us are safe. He does not care about ants.
24. Do not let him steal Justin Hammer’s cockatoo. He will teach it out to say “Justin Hammer is a cocksucker”
Example: yes, this is hilarious, and no, you cannot laugh. Tony is like a child, you laugh at something he isn’t supposed to do and he will take it as permission to repeat said action with 200 birds.
25. Do not let Tony buy any sort of talking bird, he will by 200 of them and teach them all to say “Justin Hammer is a fucknugget” and release them on MIT
Example: gather the birds looking as judgmental as possible so he knows not to do this again.
26. Do not let him and Doom build things together
Example: mother fucking Doombots.
27. Do not let him pester Bruce until he snaps
Example: you know what happened; do you want to fill out the paper work for that again? Maria does not
28. Natasha
Example: you know what this means.
29. Do not let Tony decorate the Christmas tree
Example: we all remember the JARVIS Christmas lights, the ones that complimented Bruce’s sweater. They were not cool Tony, they were fucking creepy. We do not want warm hugs; we want to be told why the Christmas tree is talking to us.
30. If all else fails the best way to get Tony to drop whatever annoying antics he’s currently involved is to get Pepper. He doesn’t fuck with Pepper.
Example: you remember what happened when she expressed her annoyance at the Doombot invasion. They were gone within minutes, we don’t even know where they went. Hopefully not on the Christmas tree.