Chapter Text
Chuuya was furious with Dazai.
The other has been staying god knows where for few weeks now without even giving the redhead a small hint about his whereabouts. Sure, he would visit during weekends to have his clothes washed and to spend time with his partner, but this was getting ridiculous.
He had been trying to reach the other for a whole day and the strangest thing was that the dumb beanpole wasn't even online. Which meant that he wasn't being intentionally ignored and it was possible that Dazai got his ass kidnapped (for an nth time) and was waiting to be rescued like the pampered princess that he was. So, his "loyal dog" was on his way to sniff out his owner's whereabouts and bring his annoying suicidal ass back home to tape it down to the bed.
With a loud grunt and roll of his eyes Chuuya burst open the doors of the Agency with a kick of his leg while scanning all individuals inside. As he expected the guns were already drawn out and pointing at him (as if their bullets could actually hit him even if they tried), however Dazai was nowhere to be seen. This was growing concerning because everything on brunet's desk was neatly organized and there was no unfinished paperwork left behind.
Wait.
Suddenly Chuuya felt his stomach dropping as the worst thought possible hit him like an electric shock. No way he would actually dare to—!
"Where the hell is he?!" The gravity manipulator shouted as he was already running up towards Dazai's desk in search of a note or anything useful that could have been left behind. He could hear his own heartbeat accelerating in speed as panic flowed through his veins twice the normal amount.
"Nakahara-san, you can't just come in like you own the place!" Atsushi cried out from where he was standing; clearly not in the mood for a fight and too scared to oppose the situation.
"Shut the fuck up already and tell me where the bastard is." The redhead was starting to get impatient which was when he finally stumbled on a small plastic folder in one of the bottom drawers.
Bills. So many medical bills for surgeries, medicines, examinations — and the crazy numbers only seemed to grow more and more after he flipped one page over another. According to the signatures Chuuya instantly came to the conclusion that his partner was the one paying them off. He could recognize the handwriting without a hint of hesitance. Of course Dazai would not be able to afford these ridiculous sums with his salary as a detective, which meant that this was important enough for him to use the dirty money from the mafia days. Eventually, Chuuya's eyes landed on the name of the patient and his blood ran cold.
"Why.. Didn't he tell me.." He whispered to himself and violently flinched (he was surprised that he let his guard down) when the blond man with glasses tugged the papers out of his hands with an infuriated scoff.
"First, you come in unannounced into our workplace! And now you are going through personal belongings of our colleague—?!" But he didn't get to finish his sentence as he noticed that the executive was getting paler and paler with each second. It was like his mind was somewhere else; processing what he had read a second ago.
"N-nakahara-san..?" Atsushi whispered from behind Kunikida while using the man as a live shield in case gravity manipulator would decide to pull something violent out of nowhere. After all, he was quite known for his outbursts of sudden aggression (especially thanks to Dazai and his runny mouth).
But Chuuya couldn't be bothered right now. He hadn't seen the name 'Akari Dazai' for so long that he almost forgot about her existence altogether. They did not know each other very well, but there have been more than enough times when both him and Dazai would stand outside one of the medical rooms in the mafia hospital as they listened to the screams of Akari getting restrained to the bed while she fought the nurses and doctors who would try to help. Chuuya was never the one to comfort best, but remembering the absolutely broken and devastated look on Dazai's face on one especially hard nights always made him feel more than uneasy.
With a heavy sigh the man rubbed the bridge of his nose; not knowing what to think or say.
To be brutally honest, he assumed that she had overdosed by now or died some other way in an unknown ditch. In fact, that could have been a much better outcome for Dazai and for his sufferings to end. But perhaps his partner did not share the news with him because he predicted that Chuuya would think this way (that he would oppose this reunion).
"Do you know.. about Akari-san?" The weretiger asked once again and this time his eyes went wide. So Dazai's co-workers knew but he didn't? Wow. That stung. That really stung. Since when did his partner start to keep secrets from him again?
"And why the fuck do you know about that cursed bitch?" He barked back, because in fact he hated that woman. An irresponsible mother that caused more than enough pain to her child throughout his whole life.
"D-don't call her that! That is beyond d-disrespectful!" Atsushi defended her and all that Chuuya could do was roll his eyes at the naiveté written all over weretiger’s face, "And.. We found out by accident, like a week ago."
"Oh." A slow blink, "I see." The redhead breathed out in an odd form of relief. So Dazai didn't want anyone to know, after all. He wasn't keeping this a secret specifically from him, "Well.. Do you know where she is? Or Dazai?"
"And why should we tell you?" Kunikida's eyes narrowed down at the shorter male as if trying to intimidate him which irritated the other to no end. If they were not on a truce right now then he would punch the cocky motherfucker with glasses into another dimension.
Instead, he took a deep breath in and out. Keep calm, just how Ane-san taught him in her ridiculous meditation lessons.
"Because I am Dazai's spouse and my husband is fucking missing for days now."
"S-spouse?! As in— you two are married?!" Atsushi screamed which caused everyone's eyes to blow wide at the statement. Kunikida seemed like he was about to faint. One reveal after another.
"Yes. If you don't believe me you can check in the official documents Dazai's marital status." Chuuya rubbed the back of his neck; suddenly feeling very awkward, "Now, will you let me know? Or should I search for the witch myself? I saw the hospital's name where she was being treated, it is only a matter of time until the receptionist will crack up her permanent residential address." Atsushi and Kunikida both swallowed a lump due to the implications of that statement.
"The last time we spoke to Dazai-san, it was here — at this address. He was taking care of Akari-san." The weretiger pulled out his phone and quickly typed up the building number and street name on the notes app.
"Tsk." At a single glare he recognized the place. It was one of Dazai's oldest apartments; he bought it while still being a teenager.
"Nakahara-san..?" Atsushi's voice snapped him out of his thoughts, "Is there a reason why.. You are being so disrespectful towards Dazai-san's mother? She was very lovely when we had visited her." He could not hold back a small laugh. These people call themselves detectives?
"Akari is nothing but a cold manipulator that ruined her son's life in exchange for drugs. I have no idea why Dazai forgave her and decided to suddenly support her medical bills after all the shit that she pulled in the past, but that is exactly why I am going to go find him and ask."
"She was a drug addict..?" Kunikida furrowed his eyebrows.
"But she seemed so sweet.." Atsushi echoed along.
"Look. Being a drug addict by itself does not make you a bad person, but exchanging your child's life for the favor of your addiction is unforgivable. She never tried to get better or to quit for him. Perhaps a fucking miracle happened after he left once and for all." After his mini-speech he took a deep breath in and fixed his hat in place, "At any rate, I already said too much out of spite. I will go and find that sorry excuse of a husband."
"Dazai! Open up, goddamit!" He screamed at the door that did not even budge. Chuuya couldn’t even hear anything from the other side. Did his husband already pack his stuff and leave? Was he being avoided? Seriously? They were about to be playing fucking tag or something?
"Young man.. Nobody lives there anymore." He turned around to face an old man who must have heard his shouts and decided to come out and fix the issue.
"Did they move out?" Chuuya asked; trying to keep down his anger from showing.
"Oh, no. The woman that stayed there had died. Her son found her and called the services to carry out her body. And that was the last time I saw anyone enter that place." The redhead blinked in disbelief. Did Dazai actually..
"How long ago did this happen?" The executive asked. The man looked at him with uncertainty; suddenly distrustful, "Please.. Her son is my family."
"Oh." The man frowned, he must have sensed the sincerity and urgency, "It was at least a week ago."
Fuck. So Dazai this whole time was in secret taking care of his sick abusive mother, paid off her life, gave her a place to live, found her dead body and attended her funeral all alone. He had done this all alone. Without Chuuya's or Agency's support. And if the redhead would not go looking for him, it would be likely that this would never be mentioned between them. Dazai would just bury away yet another traumatic event and never face it.
Wait..
All alone..
Burying someone all alone..
Oh.
"Thank you so much. Have a good day, and I am sorry for the disturbances that I have caused." Chuuya bowed in respect to the older man and began heading out.
This whole time Dazai was in the most obvious place that one could imagine. The silent hill that had now two closest people to him buried six feet under. The central cemetery in Yokohama with a beautiful tree in the middle and with a fresh sea scent floating in the air. A place that was much more frequent by ghosts rather than people. The detective hadn't visited the central cemetery for so long (ever since him and Chuuya got married) that redhead forgot about its existence. Before, when Dazai would feel down or overwhelmed — he would go talk to Odasaku. He'd spend hours chatting and rambling to nobody while pretending as if the dead could hear him. Then times have changed and Dazai would instead run to Chuuya.
But there was a major difference today — his husband did not trust him with this. Did not know what reaction to expect and whether he could handle the shame of welcoming back the witch into his life.
Just as the man had expected he found brunet next to a small grave with 'Akari Dazai' gently scribbled on it. There were no flowers or sweets placed anywhere nearby, but there was a small blue glass container with a candle lit up inside preventing the fire from being blow off by the wind. Detective did not even register Chuuya walking up to him as he breathed in the smoke from a cigarette secured between his fingers and then slowly let it out into the air while forming a grey cloud in front of him.
He looked horrible, Chuuya noted instantly. Dazai's clothes were roughed up, his hair was all over the place, there were dark circles under his eyes and he quite literally seemed dead. Chuuya deeply frowned — he had never seen his husband grieve before. He wasn't around when Odasaku had passed away; was Dazai in the exact same mindset? That's terrifying.
"Hey." He gently whispered while kneeling down. Brunet slowly turned his head to look back at his partner, but it felt like his eyes were looking through him into the distance, "We should go, hm?"
"Yeah.. You're right." Surprisingly Dazai instantly agreed as he proceeded to stand up with Chuuya's help (his legs were shaking and unsteady which meant that he must have been here for at least few hours by now) while throwing away the cigarette and lazily stepping on it.
The walk back home was silent. Originally, Chuuya was mad that he was left without any knowledge for so long. He had imagined scenarios of grabbing his bastard husband by the collar of his shirt and shaking all answers out of him. 'Why didn't you trust me?' Or 'Why didn't you talk to me?' And most importantly 'Why was that witch back in your life?'. But after sparing a single glance at Dazai — he remembered.
Chuuya himself never had parents. He was an artificially made human with a sole purpose of being the host of a god. On the other hand, Akari was the one that gave Dazai his life through natural means. This bond must have been something a lot more complicated and personal than Chuuya at first had imagined. Maybe, he was simply incapable of understanding unless brunet was going to explain.
"Chuuya?" A weak whisper called him out of his thoughts; when their eyes connected the redhead felt his heart sink into his feet, "How did you find me there?"
"I went to your agency pricks.. and they told me." Half-truth was still a truth, "And then.. That man said that I'll find you at the cemetery."
"Hm." Dazai hummed as he hid his hands in his pockets. The rest of the walk they did not talk, all the way until they had reached their apartment building and headed towards their floor. Once the door was unlocked the two of them awkwardly stumbled inside. Chuuya's eyes widened in a second when he realized that his husband was already heading towards the bathroom (never a good sign).
"Dazai." He caught the other's wrist gently; making sure not to hurt him, "Talk to me." He pleaded like never before. More than anything he was afraid that his partner was about to build yet another unbreakable emotionally-constipated wall between them.
"There's nothing to say." Dazai whispered while letting out a deep sigh; the exhaustion bleeding out of his limbs. He looked so tired.
"What are you feeling?" Chuuya probed anyway. Before, he was scared to push the other's buttons due to the possibility of going overboard, but sometimes brunet needed it. A budge in the right direction, even if that would lead them into an argument or disagreement.
"I don't feel things." The detective rolled his eyes and tried to rip his hand out of Chuuya's hold, but he miserably failed and instead ended up tripping over the armchair of the couch while clumsily falling over. He must have been extremely out of it to forget that the thing was right behind him.
"Bullshit." Chuuya rasped out while sitting next to him, "You feel just like any of us. You are human, Dazai. No matter how much you tell me otherwise, you are—"
"No. No, Chuuya." Brunet's eyes widened and he was quick to cover redhead's mouth with his hand, "I don't feel anything. I don't— I don't feel anything." Then his gaze slowly trailed down; panic evidently growing on him, "Yes, I don't feel anything. I don't care. I really don’t care.”
"Oh, Dazai.." Chuuya frowned at the reaction, and could not help himself but give into the instinct of pulling the other into a crushing hug. Dazai was shaking like a leaf in the wind, "It's okay. I know it hurts, so just let it out."
"B-but it's not—" It seemed like he couldn't even take a breath in as he kept trying to prove a non-existent point, "I don't—" He shook his head, "Stop it."
Dazai was such an idiot sometimes. It was painful to watch.
"It's okay to grieve when your mother dies."
And that must have finally hit the nail. At first the only thing that Chuuya could hear was his own breathing, until he registered it. The irregular shifts in the shoulders, sharp inhales and something warm and wet soaking his expensive clothes. But this didn't feel the same as when a normal person would cry (Chuuya had a big share of comforting others), no. Dazai did not seem to be aware of what exactly he was doing and he kept fighting the urge to just let it be. To him, it must have felt like he was accepting the unfair reality and letting it affect him which in the past would always be followed with a punishment.
The tears were being forced out of his eyes because his body knew that it needed to cry but his brain could not understand why he was upset in the first place.
“No.” Dazai tried to push away but his hands were too weak and barely applied any pressure, “I’m not—“
“You hate her for everything she made you go through, but at the same time you love her for just being her, right? You didn’t want her to leave you behind once again.” Chuuya began running soothing circles on his husband’s back, “But people leave.. Dazai. As you said yourself, death is the eventual part of being alive.”
“Will you leave me.. too..?” The tone that he spoke in was so vulnerable and sounded miserable; redhead could feel his heart breaking in half. Dazai never feared death of people; lives and value of them were dull in his eyes. But losing the ones that were dear to him always led him into a bad place of pure darkness and despair.
“Some day, I will.” Chuuya knew that lying was useless. It was more than highly possible that he will follow after Odasaku and Akari (maybe even too soon), “We all have one end. Isn’t death exactly the reason why we should appreciate everything that we have now? It brings value to life and present.” And now he was saying wise-guy shit. Deep down it made him cringe a little bit, but his husband was a sucker for deep quotes and all sorts of stuff. After all, he had seen the book collection that the detective owned.
“You can’t die before me.. Promise me you won’t die before me..”
Chuuya opened his mouth and then closed it. How could he promise that? God knows what brings tomorrow. Maybe he will get hit by a car or develop a decease? Heck. Perhaps one of his ridiculous Mafia missions will make him use Corruption and Dazai will never get to him in time. Fuck. He couldn’t promise that, and Dazai knew it but still pressed it like a little child.
“Then you have to promise me the same.” Brunet pulled away from him while locking their eyes, “I don’t want you dying before me either.”
“But if I die.. I want you to keep living..”
“I want the same.”
“Stupid stubborn chibi.” Dazai pouted; seeing his playfulness come back was slightly reassuring, “I am the suicidal one! Not you?!”
“Well, I love you, dumbass! And I want the best for you!” Chuuya scoffed as if that was not the most obvious thing in the world.
“I love you too! And I want the best for you even more!”
“Are you being serious with me right now? Like— are we really having this dumb argument?”
“Yes, in fact I demand for chibi to write a form declaring that he shall die only after—“ Before he would get to finish any more of his ridiculous claims and ideas; Chuuya sealed their lips together in a quick kiss in hopes that it was going to shut him up.
“Dazai. We are alive right now and we are in this together. So let’s make the best out of this. I’m sure that this is something that the wi— ugh. I mean, Akari would want you to do.” After getting a small nod as an answer he leaned in while pressing their foreheads together, “I won’t leave you behind, so don’t you dare pull any more dumb shit. Got it?”
“Sure..”
”Good.”
They both lost many people in their lives, but at least for now they had each other. For now.. That was more than enough.
More than Dazai felt like he deserved.