Chapter Text
"Breathe in," Izuku whispered. Shouto did as he was told, his chest shaking relentlessly as he struggled at the simple task he was given. Unable to get a good grip on reality, he began choking on the air he was trying to inhale. Shouto always felt like he was choking; drowning, even. Drowning in painful, scalding hot water as it burned his face and boiled his lungs—
"Look at me," Izuku requested softly, snapping Shouto out of his trance. He could see some of the frost spreading out of the corner of his eye. Fuck, he was losing control of his quirk. He couldn't even—
"Don't look at the ice, look at me," Izuku said. "I'm going to keep talking. Let's try breathing again. In for one, two, three, four. Out for one, two three four."
Shouto's throat occasionally closed up on him as he tried to take in breaths, but soon enough his chest was only slamming a lot instead of a metric fuck ton. He could feel his left side trying to warm him up as the hissing of a tea kettle still screeched in his memory.
The tea kettle that was once on the stove had been taken away by a third party a while ago, but its agonizing screams still hurt Shouto's ears. Everything to his right was covered in a sheet of ice as he tried to steady his vision. Letting out a breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding, Shouto watched as a cloud of vapor escaped his lips.
"It's okay, you're okay," Izuku whispered. As Shouto's vision steadied, the sight of goosebumps across Izuku's arms made itself evident. A lump began to form in Shouto's throat as his thoughts honed in on the slight tremors that Izuku tried to hide.
"I'm sorry," Shouto choked out. "I lost control of my quirk and... and you're freezing because of me."
"Hey, there's nothing to apologize for," Izuku reassured softly. "Quirks are directly tied to emotions, there's no shame in that. It's okay to be overwhelmed."
"I made you cold," Shouto said with shaky words. "I... I froze everything and you're suffering the consequences of my incompetence."
"I'm not suffering from your incompetence," Izuku said softly. "I'm listening to your pain. I'm here and I'm all ears, okay? I'm not hurt, everyone is safe. You are safe."
Small clouds of vapor appeared between the two of them every once in a while as Shouto tried to think of ways to fix the mess he had created.
"I may be a little cold, but you can help with that," Izuku said with a smile. Shouto tilted his head, about to ask what he meant when Izuku slowly reached for his left hand.
'Sometimes that child's left side looks unbearable!'
That damn tea kettle never sounded so deafening.
If he wasn't careful, he'd hurt Izuku just like he hurt everyone else around him. Shouto yanked his hand away, holding it close to his being as he shook his head. "Unbearable," Shouto whispered as he continued to shake his head violently. Rocking back and forth as his back hit the cabinet barely even comforted him as he sat with his legs crossed and subconsciously curling into himself. "My left side... it's unbearable, it's unsightly, it's disgusting."
"I'm sorry, but I can't agree," Izuku said softly. Shouto's eyes snapped up to Izuku, the tears making the features of his face blur together. "I don't know if I ever told you this, but summer has always been my favorite season. I always loved tank tops and melting popsicles growing up. Even the sun, a huge ball of fire floating in the sky, I can't help but love."
Izuku gently reaches out to the left hand that Shouto clutched to his chest. He allowed his crooked hand to hover there for a while, waiting for Shouto to lower his guard for him for even just a moment. Shaking, Shouto gently placed his left hand into Izuku's. "I think the reason that I believe your left side is so beautiful is the same reason I love summer," Izuku said.
Shouto watched as goosebumps on Izuku's arm lowered as his hand brushed against them. Izuku let a soft smile rest on his face as he gently placed Shouto's left hand on his cheek.
"It's warm."
His body felt 'normal' again.
He didn't feel way too hot and he didn't feel like he was seeing multiple dimensions at the same time. He just felt utterly exhausted, groggy, and ever so slightly confused.
He couldn't remember much. He knew that he had an endurance match with one of the higher-ups in the Divine Light, but that was about it. He was pretty sure he won. If he didn't, he probably wouldn't have woken up.
No, he did win. Because he got up and started running in the direction of the rest of them. But... he didn't make it, or at least he didn't think he did. He fell, didn't he? He just hoped that nobody was there to witness it.
He looked around the hospital room that proved absent until his eyes landed on a figure curled up in the large windowsill platform that was there for guests to sit.
Shouto reached over and grabbed a water bottle that was on the bedside table. Sipping on it meticulously, he stared at Izuku as he continued to catnap on the windowsill.
Should Shouto wake him up? He had no idea how long he had been there. Maybe he just fell asleep and he needed rest. It was probably—
"Good morning Mr. Todoroki," someone said. Shouto turned his head to see a doctor typing on a computer and pulling something up.
"Good morning," Shouto replied. "Uh, how long have I been here?"
"Roughly 72 hours," she said with a smile. "Now that you're awake, we're gonna retake your vitals. The nurse helped you out with her quirk quite a bit yesterday. By the looks of it, you had a pretty nasty case of heatstroke. Lucky for you, your quirk stepped up to the plate while you were unconscious and helped a ton to cool your body down. So if your vitals all look good, then you'll be good to go by the end of the day. You will be heavily monitored, but we do try to get heroes back to their homes when we can."
Shouto nodded his head, allowing the doctor to poke, hit, squeeze, prick, and push him.
"How long has he been here?" Shouto asked softly.
"Honestly, I don't think he left here since they gave the thumbs up for visitors," she remarked. "He's been asking so many questions that the nurses and I feel like we're back in school taking midterms again."
"Sounds like him," Shouto muttered as he looked at Izuku. He felt nauseous just thinking about the fact that even in his sleep, Izuku looked painfully anxious. He was always the type to never stop worrying about others.
"Yeah, I'm sure now he could have a good battle of wits with my old professor about heat strokes. Causes, delusions, seizures, dizziness, weak pulses, comas... I think he's an encyclopedia by now."
Shouto sighed, trying to get his bearings. Everything still felt a little muddy and something about the doctor's words were off and he couldn't pinpoint what. Now that he thought about it, he wasn't positive he knew the concrete definition of 'encyclopedia'. He knew enough, but his fogged brain wouldn't allow him to make complete sense of the word.
"Wait, did you say 'coma?'" Shouto asked, the words suddenly hitting him. The doctor nodded her head as a nurse came in to take blood samples from her and change his IV.
"Yes, he was quite concerned when he heard you were comatose. Any answer I couldn't give him in ten seconds he'd search up himself. It was quite endearing," she smiled.
Shouto sighed, taking a couple more sips of his water. Knowing Izuku, he wouldn't be surprised if this was the first time he had slept since he got here. Sacrificing his well-being in the name of his friends and anxiety was all but foreign to him. It made Shouto nauseous knowing he was the cause of Izuku's most likely restless last couple of days.
"Okay, we're going to get these samples looked at. The good news is all your brain activity is starting up normally and functioning properly," the doctor smiled. "I'll be back in an hour or so to check up on you. Is there anything you need? A nurse will be around occasionally."
Shouto shook his head. "I'm fine, thank you," the doctor said her goodbyes as she gathered her clipboard and walked out of the room. Setting the water back on the bedside table, Shouto rested his head on the hospital bed's stiff pillow.
It was mildly frustrating that his memory from that night was so spotty. He remembered the gunshot and so did the pain in his shoulder. At some point, he was flying through the air and crash-landed on the sand. It would be all but surprising if the cuts and scratches that littered his hands and arms were from any glass that was formed and broken apart in the battle. His throat hurt like hell and was most likely bruised by the feel of it.
It had been a while since someone looked at him the way that leader did. A look of anger and pure hatred. For Shouto, it was impossible to tell if he was mad that he was losing or if he was mad that he got tricked by a hero. But once the fire erupted from the hand that had a chokehold of the terrorist, once the heat made his sweat evaporate immediately and his eyes dry out, that was when everything became a blur. Memories twisted and slammed into each other, visions contradicted each other, and everything leading up to his hospitalization was completely unreliable.
He must have been in rough shape when the paramedics took him in. Hell, he felt like he was in rough shape now. If the EMTs would wince at his current state, he had no idea what their reaction was 72 hours ago. Shouto couldn't even remember Izuku in any of his two-second memory clips. All he could do was beg that Izuku didn't see him in that state. If he worried Izuku because he wasn't strong enough to get up after that fight... he wasn't sure if he could look himself in the eye again.
That was all Shouto was good for anyway, worrying everyone who was unfortunate enough to allow themselves to care about Shouto. From a young age, all Shouto ever did was make people cry, panic, and worry over him. And if he added Izuku to that list any more than he already had, then he wouldn't ever forgive himself for being so weak. Izuku had so much on his plate. He was the symbol of Hope, the rising hero who was bound for number one within the next two years, and everyone looked to him for guidance. The last thing Izuku needed to do was worry about him. All Shouto did was burden other people and now he might have just put one of the biggest burdens on the man he had fallen in love with time and time again. God, Shouto was pathetic.
There was stirring at the windowsill that caught Shouto's attention. Staring at Izuku shifting and stretching with his eyes closed, Shouto felt his heart flutter. Even something as simple as waking up was something Izuku looked absolutely perfect doing.
Rubbing his eyes, Izuku squeezed his eyes before slowly opening them. Drearily looking around the room, his eyes snapped open when he made eye contact with Shouto. Izuku leaped up from the shitty guest bed and scrambled over to Shouto.
"Oh my God, Todoroki," Izuku cried out. Shouto got absolutely no warning as Izuku collapsed on top of him, pulling him into a loving hug and burying his face in the crook of Shouto's neck. "Oh my God, you're okay. I was so worried. Todoroki, I'm so glad you're okay. You have no idea how happy I am. Oh goodness... you're okay."
"Hi, Midoriya," was all Shouto could mutter as Izuku held onto him tight and cried into his hospital gown. Fuck, he scared Izuku half to death, didn't he. All because he was weak and couldn't even take down more than one villain.
"Todoroki," Izuku sobbed. "I'm so glad you're here."
"Thank you," Shouto practically whispered, the fog in his mind not helping him out at all as he tried to figure out what to say. After a while, Izuku broke the embrace and wiped away his tears as he sniffled.
"How are you feeling?" Izuku whispered. With a soft shrug of his shoulders, Shouto looked at the foot of his bed.
"Fine, just tired," he mumbled. There was a bit of silence as the two of them sat together and tried to figure out what to say.
"Is there anything that's bothering you?" Izuku asked. Shouto gently shook his head.
"Just my head hurts a little and my shoulder," he replied.
"Oh, we can call a nurse and see if we can get you some painkillers or make sure that gunshot wound isn't infe—"
"It's okay, Midoriya," Shouto reassured. "The doctor was in here ten minutes before you woke up. Everything is okay."
"Are you sure?" Izuku asked. "I mean, now that you're awake you can voice any concerns or discomforts that you—"
"Midoriya," Shouto reiterated. Izuku shut his mouth as he waited for him to continue whatever it was he wanted to say. "I'm okay. There's no need to worry."
Izuku's mouth opened only for no words to flow out. He seemed... off-put by Shouto's words. His eyes snapped down to avoid contact with Shouto's. "Right," he whispered. "Hey, when you get out of here, I'm going to walk you back to your apartment. Is that alright?"
"You really don't have to. I don't want you to inconvenience yourself," Shouto reassured.
"Please, I just... it's no issue. I'm off today and I planned for it," Izuku said softly. When Izuku pursed his lips, he caught a glimpse of something dismal behind his eyes. With a soft sigh, Shouto nodded his head.
"If it's not troubling to you, then I have no problem with it," Shouto said softly.
The two of them sat in mostly comfortable silence as eye contact became scarce. Something was looming in the air that Shouto couldn't pinpoint. It was... thick and heavy. As if the air had condensed and frozen in his lungs unforgivably.
After a while, the doctor came back in with a smile on her face. "Good to see you, Mr. Todoroki," she smiled.
"Hello," Shouto muttered in return.
"Good news: your vitals are all stable enough to discharge. It seems that any damage the stroke caused to your internal organs was minimal and your quirk helped to stop any severe damage from happening. We will be writing to your agency that you are advised to take a ten to fourteen-day medical leave to allow your vitals to become completely normal and to monitor any long-term effects that may become prevalent over the next week or so."
Shouto nodded his head in understanding as the doctor handed him a clipboard to start filling out discharge forms and prescription forms. There seemed to be paper after paper as Izuku stared at the foot of the bed and gaze into nothing. Once all the papers were filled out, the doctor took them and said she'd be back soon.
Out of the corner of his eye, Shouto saw something set next to him. Izuku sheepishly set an outfit next to Shouto and glanced around. "I hope you don't mind, but I went to your apartment with the spare key you gave me. Just because your mission costume was mostly burned up and... Yakuza wear."
Shouto nodded his head, taking the clothes from next to him and sorting through them. He blindly put on the sweatpants from under the thin hospital sheet. Pulling off the hospital gown, there were patches of first-degree burns on the right side of his stomach that he didn't realize were there until then. Shouto pulled the t-shirt on over his head and got himself situated with his clothing.
The doctor came back into the room to do some final tests with Shouto before giving him the final discharge signature. Shouto did as he was told as she asked him to get out of the bed, sit down on the floor, stand up, jump three times, stand on one leg, move his arms around, touch his nose, put his left foot in and shake it all about, and touch his toes. After affirming Shouto's basic motor skills were functional enough to let him leave, she gave him a goodbye as Izuku led Shouto to the exist.
Everything looked a little cleaner than Shouto remembered when he entered his apartment. As Shouto turned to Izuku, he answered his question before Shouto could even ask it.
"Ah, it was a while before they allowed visitors so I decided to do a little cleaning while getting you your clothes. I just... didn't know what to do until they allowed me in," he laughed pathetically.
With a nod of his head, Shouto looked over his apartment. "Thank you for the kind gesture," Shouto muttered.
"Do you need anything?" Izuku asked. "There's plenty of fresh food and I made some soba and left it in the fridge. I also got those protein shakes you really like."
Shouto nodded his head. "I'm okay, really," Shouto reassured. "Thank you for your hospitality."
"Do you need me to pick up your prescriptions?" Izuku asked. "I think they'll be ready in three hours or so and since you just got home I understand if you don't want to run out and get them so I can totally go get them if you want me to so you don't have to trouble yourself especially since you just got out of the hospital and everything and I'm sure—"
"Midoriya," interrupted. "I'm fine. I don't need anything. You don't need to worry about me."
Izuku's expression faltered with Shouto's words, seemingly unable to gather his thoughts. There was a bit of a pathetic chuckle that escaped Izuku's lips as he looked at the ground and rubbed his arm.
"It's a little hard not to," Izuku said softly. "You just had a bad hospitalization."
He worried Izuku. Todoroki Shouto was dragging down Izuku with his own weakness.
"I'm fine, Midoriya," Shouto repeated. "If I wasn't, it would be obvious."
Shouto didn't know that Izuku's facial expression could get even more dismal than it already was. "Yeah, sure," Izuku whispered.
Shouto tilted his head, waiting for an elaboration that never came. "What do you mean by that?" Shouto asked.
"I mean that I'd like to think I know you fairly well," Izuku said. "Even though it seems like I do at times... it's not obvious when you're not fine. Especially when you just get out of a coma and claim you're perfectly fine except for a small headache."
"I am perfectly fine—"
"But can you understand why I have a hard time believing that?" Izuku asked. "You... you were saying things that made no sense and you couldn't even stand or make sense of what was happening around you. And then you were comatose for days and—"
"I'm standing, I'm responsive, and I'm coherent," Shouto interjected. "I'm not sure what else I can do to prove I'm perfectly capable of holding my own at the moment. You don't need to worry about me."
"I can't help but worry," Izuku laughed miserably. Shouto felt like he was going to throw up. Izuku was near tears right in front of him and he had no idea what to do. Izuku was worrying about him and wasting his breath on something as useless as Shouto. The one person he loved more than anything else in the world was hurting because Shouto was too weak to even do his own job.
"There's no reason to worry about me," Shouto repeated. "I'm fine, I'm out of the hospital, and I lived."
"And I was convinced for a second that you wouldn't!" Izuku snapped. Shouto's jaw wired itself shut as he stared aghast at Izuku. "I was scared! I thought you weren't going to make it! I couldn't do anything except wait and pace a-and beg to any God that you'd wake up!"
"And it happened! I woke up!" Shouto retaliated. "It all turned out fine!"
"It didn't!" Izuku argued. "Just because it's fine now doesn't mean it was fine ten hours ago! You can't just tell me not to worry about you when you were having seizures and comatose! You went way past your limit and almost killed yourself in the process! I think I have the right to be scared o-or upset here!"
"But when you do it, it's fine?" Shouto asked in return. "This is our line of work, Midoriya. We risk our lives in order to save others and you know that better than anyone! Don't act like you haven't done the exact same thing! You've gone past your limit and shattered your limbs, gotten hospitalized, had seizures— all before we got out of high school, mind you! So why am I the bad guy just because I did it years later instead of when I was sixteen?!"
"Because I didn't try to downplay it!" Izuku answered. "I recognized my mistakes, got better at preserving myself, and did what I needed to to stay as healthy as I could! I didn't go into a coma and immediately brush it off the second I woke up! Do you know how terrifying that was?! Holding onto you while you're muttering nonsense only for you to pass out and start convulsing in my arms?! Watching the person I— my best friend get pulled away from me by paramedics as you were shaking violently and I was told to stay away?!"
Tears were streaming down Izuku's face as his chest shook from the short, choppy breaths he was taking in. He couldn't stop sniffling as his fists shook at his side, trying desperately to grasp onto something other than his own skin. It was all Shouto's fault. He had caused Izuku so much anguish throughout the years he had known him and he finally snapped. All he had ever done was hurt Izuku and now Izuku couldn't take it anymore.
Shouto was nothing but a parasite. Something that latched onto others and drained them as he himself benefited. He couldn't do that to Izuku anymore; not the person he loved far more than himself.
"Then why don't you see yourself out?" Shouto asked softly. Izuku's eyes widened as shock took over his body. "I've done nothing but make you miserable, so why don't you leave while you can?"
"Todoroki, that's not what—"
"I get it, I'm a terrible person!" Shouto snapped. "All I do is make you miserable and the door is right there, Midoriya! If the only thing I do is hurt you then take the chance I'm giving you and get rid of me!"
"No, that's not true. You don't—"
"I'm not asking for your opinion, Midoriya!" Shouto yelled, feeling the tears forming in his eyes. "I'm telling you that you need to leave!"
The room went dead silent as the two stared at each other. When Izuku cried, he sobbed. He wailed and sniffled and everyone within a kilometer radius knew when he was in anguish, but not this time. As the tears flowed freely down Izuku's face, the only sound that could be heard was the occasional splash of tears against the hardwood floor. His shaking body and trembling jaw remained completely mute as rivers flowed silently down his freckle-stained cheeks.
After a long while of silence, Izuku opened his mouth with a shaky breath. "Okay," he whispered. He gently set the key that was in his pocket on a counter and turned on his heels. As he walked out, the door behind him closed normally, but the sound felt as though it was shattering Shouto's eardrums. The only sound accompanying him in his empty apartment was his own slamming heartbeat.
He did it. He saved Izuku from him.
Shouto walked silently into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He turned on the shower as he leaned against the outer stone shower wall. The cool tiles under his feet poked fun at him as he stared dejectedly at himself in the mirror.
The scar on his face was a dead giveaway of his biggest flaw: he was a failure. He was never good enough and people constantly worried about him because of it. There was nothing good about him and he only dragged other people down. That was why it was best that he pushed Izuku away. Shouto loved him with his entire soul, he'd do anything for Izuku. If it meant that Shouto was miserable without him for Izuku to be safe from Shouto, then so be it.
His mother, his teachers, his classmates, and now Izuku. He had made everyone worry and waste their breath on him without fail because he was never strong enough. No matter what, Shouto could never live up to what he was supposed to be and everyone around him suffered because of it. That was why they needed to go.
Izuku had done nothing but good for the world and Shouto would be damned if he punished him by allowing him to make the mistake of being close enough to touch. The symbol of hope needed to focus on his duty: to save others with a smile. There was no use dragging him down by luring him into the false reality that Shouto was still in the realms of repair.
Shouto felt unbearably hot, yet frigidly cold as he slid down the smooth stone of the outside shower wall. He did it, he saved Izuku.
So why did he feel like he was falling apart?
His body shook relentlessly as nausea flowed over his being. Izuku was everything to him. He was his reason for waking up, his reason for saving others, his reason for living, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone. Izuku was alive and healthy, but Shouto had killed any relationship they had in just a few words. He would see Izuku night after night on the news as he saved the lives of citizens all across Japan and he'd be fully aware he'd never see that beautiful smile in person ever again.
Tears fell from Shouto's face as he tugged at his hair, sobs falling from his open mouth. Though he smelled the smoke of his burning shirt, there was nothing he could do to stop it. The crackling of the ice freezing the walls and leaking into the hinges of the door fell on deaf ears as Shouto's sobs grew louder.
Shouto did a good thing, he just had to keep reminding himself of that. Shouto saved the man he loved from the worst person on the face of the earth. Izuku no longer had to worry about Shouto or lose sleep because he was too weak to handle his own stupid quirk. Stupid, good for nothing, unbearable, disgusting—
Shouto gripped harder at his hair as he growled out curses and cries of agony. He could barely feel his fingertips on his right hand and the heat pulsing off his left was almost painful.
Of course, Izuku took the chance to leave. Izuku needed to do what was best for him and Shouto gave him the option to no longer be held hostage by his parasitic nature. Nobody benefited from being near him, Izuku must have been elated when he was given the offer, that was why he left so quickly. Shouto's eight-year pity party had finally ended as he began to burn it to the ground in his bathroom.
His sobs and cries of pain only grew louder as his hands pulled relentlessly at his hair. His entire body shook as the wall to his right was encased in ice and soot began covering everything to his left as the glass doors to the shower began glowing and ever so slightly drooping in shape.
Shouto was nothing without Izuku. He was so madly in love with him and getting rid of him was the only way to save him. Now that he was gone, Izuku could finally thrive and not be dragged down with Shouto to drown in icy waters. Izuku would thrive without Shouto.
And Shouto would fall apart without Izuku.
As he sobbed, his left hand suddenly slammed on the tile floor below him. Letting go of his hair in his right hand, Shouto's nose was insulted with the most disgusting smell that he could barely recall from some missions with civilians trapped in burning buildings. Trying to get his quirk under control, he looked down at his left hand only for his breathing to stop completely.
Just about all of his red hair was sitting idly in his palm, the ends in his hand singed and disconnected from the rest of his hair. Anywhere from five to thirty minutes passed by of Shouto gawking at the burnt hair in his hand before he got up to look in the mirror.
Shouto almost didn't believe what he was looking at. His red hair was now at his shoulders, the ends singed and destroyed. His white hair was encased in ice and some of it has snapped off completely. Though he desperately wanted to blame it on getting out of a coma, Shouto couldn't remember a single time his hair had ever burnt.
Izuku hadn't even been out of his life for an hour and he already lost control.
In silence, he tossed the red hair and any shards of icy white hair into the garbage. Before taking off his half-burnt, half-frozen clothes, he sent a quick text to Fuyumi asking her to come over later and give him a haircut.
Refusing to let any more tears fall, he silently stepped into the shower and allowed the frigid water to prick at his skin.