Chapter Text
Atsumu’s muffled and angry shouting from outside the ward woke him up.
He felt groggy and tired as he glanced at the clock that read ten o'clock in the morning. He doesn’t know how long he’s been out or how long he’s been here, but he knows one thing; He regrets taking those pills, the anxiety of how much time he’s lost overwhelming him.
Sakusa doesn’t know if he should be embarrassed or happy that he tried overdosing on an impulse because, one, it was stupid, and two, it failed horribly. At least now he still has a chance to be in the Tokyo Olympics. That is if this doesn’t go on record.
He falls into another slumber once again, but this time a brief and light one that lasts less than an hour or two.
It’s not long before he’s once again awoken, this time by hushed crying that surrounds him.
“Is that all you had to say?” he asks the men around him.
One of them, who he recognises as Atsumu, calls him by his name and cups Sakusa’s cheeks in shock and unbelief. Oikawa lets go of his hand, wanting to give them both some space, still repeating his apologies like a monk's mantra.
Nauseous and irritated, he pushes away Atsumu’s hand, not wanting to feel his touch. It felt repulsive, the calluses on his hand rough and hard, the warmth of it reminded him of the cracked desert ground, scorching and burning. He hates it very much.
“Please don’t touch me, Miya,” he says as sternly as he can, especially articulating on the ‘Miya’ part.
Before he can respond to Oikawa’s apologies, Ushijima finally apologises, “Sakusa-san, I am very sorry for the pain I have caused, to make you come to this decision. I hope you can forgive me as well. I should’ve never asked you in the beginning. This is mostly my fault,” he bows conciliatorily, a strained smile never once leaving his face.
“Ushijima-san, it is understandable, and I had agreed to it too, so it is not entirely your fault,” Sakusa says as soon as Ushijima finishes speaking, not wanting them to see him cry.
It was awful, having to say all that out loud, but it was the truth. He knew what he was going into, he knew all the possibilities, all the outcomes, all the pain he would experience, but he still agreed to it. And besides, it wasn’t just this one thing that caused him to try and attempt.
It was the little things.
”Though I had hoped that you left me sooner.” he adds a tad bit harshly.
“I’m sorry, Sakusa-san,” Ushijima bows even lower this time, and holds that position for a few seconds before Sakusa asks him to stop it.
Feeling a bit guilty for Ushijima’s apologetic, low bows and Oikawa’s tears, he tries explaining.
“I didn’t try to commit because of what happened,” Sakusa tiredly explains, “Sure, it was one of the reasons, but it wasn’t the only one. So don’t take it too hard on yourselves, it’s not entirely your fault."
"I hope it works out for the both of you," he adds as they leave the ward, the lump in his throat growing heavier by the second.
He really does hope the best for them.He hopes they will have what he can’t.
“We’ll be going, Sakusa. Once again I apologise for what I have done, I hope that you will feel better soon,” Ushijima says as he gives his final and deepest bow before leaving the ward.
“See you,” he says. He doesn’t want to see him.
Oikawa echoes his response robotically, following Ushijima as he exits the ward.
He manages to last a few more seconds before the tears start flowing. Atsumu tries to console him, but Sakusa pushes him away. All those empty words pouring out of his sweet mouth would not be of any help.
It’s not that he wants to be with Ushijima, it’s the feeling of warmth he misses, the feeling of being loved by someone. Even if it was for a while, even if it wasn’t all that real, he still misses that feeling. Rather, he craves it. After all, it is all he has been searching this entire time.
The love he craved at 15 was naive, misleading, and possibly the root of his wants right now. He had believed that he was unlovable, not only romantically, but in general. He just wanted to feel love, not knowing that he already was, by Komori, who always stuck by him, by his siblings, who took care of him even if it wasn’t their job to, his team, who always backed him no matter what, his uncle and aunt, who always welcomed him into their house whenever he needed to.
It was absolute bliss for a while, he had every reassurance he needed, every reason to be content with his life. But it was all ruined when he found out that Atsumu never really loved him, not only that, but he was using him. For what, he has a few theories.
But then again, it wasn't as if Atsumu was the only one using their relationship to his own benefit. It didn’t take him long to realise that maybe the reason he was so hurt wasn’t because Atsumu liked someone else, but because the love he craved was once again out of reach.
Along the way he realised that he was indeed able to be loved, and that he was already loved, by everyone around him. But as he grew older, the questions started getting more intrusive, and he started to question that maybe he was lovable for the most of it but romantically, he was probably unlovable.
No one had any reason to be interested in him. He was cold on most days, his attitude wasn’t the best, he was always too busy with volleyball to be bothered by other things. All in all, he wasn’t the best or the easiest person to love. The only thing he had going for him was his face and that alone was pathetic.
He’s also scared to love. What if one day he gets tired of his partner? What if one day they’re tired of him too? What will he do then? Is it going to be the same hell all over again? If it is, he doesn’t want to love anymore. The feeling of abandonment would be too much for him, overtaking his entire being, swallowing him into a deep depression and he can’t afford that, he can’t afford to lose his love for volleyball too.
He tries to calm himself, telling himself that worries for the future can wait, but it fails every time he thinks of what could have been with Atsumu. Maybe then, if Atsumu had loved him and him alone for who he was, maybe he would’ve gotten over it and started loving Atsumu in turn.
Keyword: ‘maybe’.
“I’m sorry,” Atsumu says firmly, his eyes gaining contact, sincere but despondent, slightly startling Sakusa.
He doesn’t know what to say. What else could he have said? It wasn’t as if it could've changed anything. It was probably like the apology he said at the balcony. It wasn't even that genuine. He just hoped for too much. He replies with what everyone else would’ve replied with in that moment.
“What?”
“I said, I’m sorry,” he slowly reiterates.
“Why would you say that now? It’s not as if it’ll fix every single thing between us, would it?” Sakusa spat harshly.
“I know, but I want to give us another chance,” he says sheepishly but firmly.
The raw nerve of him. Sakusa could only stare, or rather, glare, at Atsumu. Anger and hurt brimmed his eyes, “Us? There was never an ‘us’, there was only you and me”
“Then, could we start off as friends?” Atsumu tries to negotiate, “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want, I promise,” he adds earnestly.
It’s funny to Sakusa how he’s the one that’s desperate now.
“No, and that’s final.” Sakusa firmly rejects, “Get out of my ward before I call the nurses in.”
This time, Atsumu doesn’t say a word of objection and obediently leaves. Sakusa thinks it’s weird, but he doesn’t make much of it. For now, at least.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
It’s not long before he’s discharged, but he’s advised to stay at home for a week before going back to his normal routine. He’s staying at Bokuto’s again to have some privacy. He’s not all that lonely though, the entire team visits him almost everyday plus he has his sister who purposely flew to Osaka to take care of him, using the excuse of a ‘business trip’ she has.
Atsumu does join the team in visiting him, but he tries to keep a low profile, avoiding Sakusa as much as he can but no matter how hard Atsumu tries to hide it, the radiant and childish smile that paints his face fades more often than not, replaced by a gloomy, brooding look.
It keeps him thinking about Atsumu’s offer. It’s not a bad offer, but like the free three months of Spotify premium, if he forgets to stop himself before their relationship becomes an integral part of him, it’s going to be very costly.
But maybe he deserves one last chance, not just Atsumu but Sakusa himself too.
He texts Atsumu.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Me [6:07 p.m.]
Miya, I accept your offer. _________________________________________________________________________________________
It’s cheesy but at least it’ll do the job. Probably.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Sakusa had expected Atsumu to get all clingy and affectionate as soon as he went back to practice, but instead it was as if he had never sent that text. It wasn’t as if Atsumu hadn’t read that text. He did leave him on read, but that didn’t really matter right?
“Hey Sakusa,” he heard Atsumu mumble.
“Atsumu,” Sakusa acknowledged politely.
“About that text ya sent me a few days ago,” he pauses nervously, “Do ya really want to, um, give us a chance again?”
“Yes, I do,” he replies confidently.
Atsumu smiles in disbelief, “So tonight at your place? We could watch a movie and have Onigiri Miya for dinner, for free of course.”
“Sure,” Sakusa says in a heartbeat.
It’s not even his house, it’s Bokuto and Akaashi’s but they’ll probably allow him, right? He’s just glad that Atsumu doesn’t think much of the hospital incident.
“So it’s a date then!” Atsumu grins cheerfully as he picks his bag up, heading towards the car park while frantically waving goodbye to Sakusa.
He’s glad that everyone but him is gone because he knows that the team would have interrogated him
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Lucky for them, Bokuto and Akaashi had a dinner reservation with Akaashi’s brother and his family so they had the house all to themselves
It wasn’t as bad as he had thought it would have gone. It was like a normal dinner between two friends, nothing fancy or romantic, just a simple dinner where they caught up with each other after all those years of living separate lives.
They don’t talk about what happened. They don’t talk about how they used to date, they don’t talk about what happened at Nationals and they definitely don’t talk about why anything happened although he would very much like to know.
Sakusa loses track of time as he’s slowly reminded why he was charmed by Atsumu in the first place. Atsumu makes everything more interesting than it was in the first place, with his intriguing and cool voice that just draws people in.
He learns that Atsumu almost went to the Tachibana Red Falcons to join Aran but was convinced by Aran himself to join MSBY Black Jackals since they offered one of the best deals. He also learns that Atsumu’s really into cooking videos. He swears he’s still mad at Osamu for quitting volleyball but really, he’s a bit jealous of Osamu for having multiple skills.
It’s amazing how just in a few years people change so much, from their appearance to their personality, everything. It makes him feel left out, even though he doesn’t regret that small break from each other’s lives. All these things make him wonder what could have been if they still stayed in contact with each other, if they had been able to stay friends at the very least.
He only realises it’s nearly midnight when Bokuto and Akaashi arrive in the doorway. He hastily helps Atsumu to clean up the takeout, rushing him out with a quick hug before anyone could say a thing.
Sakusa breaks the silence that fills the air as Bokuto and Akaashi awkwardly stand there, not sure what to do.
“So about that-” he tries to explain but Akaashi cuts him off.
“It’s fine,” Akaashi gives him a quick understanding smile before dragging a rather dazed Bokuto to their bedroom.
He sighs in relief as soon as the door closes. This time, he really owes Akaashi a whole lot.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
After a few more of these dinners, it became an unsaid agreement between them to have dinner together at least once a week. It didn’t matter what they ate because this was a time where they came together as friends, not as teammates, not as ex-lovers, but friends, friends who catch each other up on what happened that week.
It may seem weird for two people who meet each other almost every day, spend most of their time together to have a meal where all they do is recapping how their week went but in truth, every week he learns more about Atsumu than ever, and that makes him feel like maybe, there’s a possibility that he could really become a part of Atsumu’s life again and vice versa.
Those weekly dinners eventually led to weekend excursions to the mall and sometimes even to the movies. It made him feel like this was what they missed out on, that this was what could have possibly been if they had given this relationship another chance back then.
The more time he spends with Atsumu, the more he feels calm and at peace with himself. Not with Atsumu, but with himself. It feels…strange, but for once he feels good, so he doesn’t question much about it.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Today’s his off-day, along with Atsumu since it’s a public holiday and Atsumu had invited him to the amusement park which he grudgingly accepted. Secretly, he’s pleased that he doesn’t have to spend the day alone, but he would never ever tell Atsumu that.
He ended up following Atsumu around, riding whatever ride Atsumu did, from the big old loop de loops to the aeroplane rides meant for kids since he was pretty unfamiliar with the place and not quite confident in his bearings whereas Atsumu was the opposite, running from place to place, almost leaving Sakusa behind once. They went to at least ten rides, and that was before they had lunch, which Atsumu gobbled up as fast as he could.
They went on to a couple of rides and the haunted house which rather made both of them shit their pants, though Sakusa tried not to show how scared he was, which he succeeded in as Atsumu was too busy shitting his pants to notice anything.
It was around a few hours to closing when Atsumu decided to ride the ferris wheel for one last time before they went home.
The view from up top was amazing. As the sun began to fade from the horizon, he could see lights blooming all over the city, from tall skyscrapers to the average terrace house, the city looked just as lively as it did in the day, perhaps even livelier.
As he saw the city resuming their lives, unhindered by the loss of daylight as they swiftly replaced it with electrical lighting, he felt a strange sense of serenity, a calmness that overwhelmed him like so many years ago.
It was time to let go.
He had everything in his grasp, everything he needed to make this relationship work again, but he knew that no matter what he did, or what Atsumu or anyone else did, it wouldn’t work. It wasn’t really anyone’s fault, it wouldn’t be fair to point a finger at only one of them when really, both of them had their own faults. He could tell that Atsumu was trying.
It’s a cool summer night. He’s sitting opposite Atsumu as they both look at the view below.
He gives up this relationship, not because he’s tired, but because he knows there are people more suited for it than he is. He knows there’s more out there for the both of them. It feels like the chilly night breeze, cool and uninviting, but the coat he wears guarantees him a slight, temporary warmth as he goes on his way, the things that wait for him at the end endless and unknown.
He looks at Atsumu, who glances back at him. But before Sakusa says a word, Atsumu gives a look, one of understanding and sympathy. He’ll definitely miss this chemistry of theirs.
As the ferris wheel descends, Atsumu quietly whispers, “It’s been a great day.”
“It has,” Sakusa agrees.
“Don’t miss practice tomorrow,” he adds as a joke.
“I won’t,” Atsumu softly chuckles.
It’s a new day tomorrow.