Chapter Text
Marinette stared up at her ceiling. After the talk, she’d retreated upstairs, knowing her mother would also go to bed and her dad would return to the bakery soon after to continue cooking. It’d given her an hour to just think and reflect on the conversation, and as stressful as it had been to air all that hurt out, really they’d both needed to. It’d been healthy. Heavy, but good.
But despite that, Marinette wasn’t sure how to feel. Sure, she was glad to have gotten so much off her chest, to have been honest and heard out loud, but there was still so much she hadn’t said, and couldn’t say. Ladybug, though she brought freedom and purpose, had made a liar of her. It hadn’t been something she’d thought too hard on when she took on the mantle, but it was quickly becoming more and more apparent to Marinette that having no one to talk to about a high-responsibility secret identity might be weighing on her mental health more than a little bit.
It was bothering her. Of course she understood why Tikki didn’t want her telling anyone about Ladybug; not only would it put that person in danger, but they’d be under the same burden of secrecy that she was. Even a professional sworn to secrecy, like a therapist or counsellor, could be targeted by Hawk Moth randomly, and then what was she supposed to do? Once her identity was out in the open, that was it, it couldn’t be taken back, so the right choice was to keep it as restrained as possible. Only herself and Tikki could know, and as much as that played on her mind, it was how it had to be until Hawk Moth was gone.
Her thoughts drifted to Chat, without really meaning to. Did he have the same worries? With how often he sacrificed himself for her, often landing himself under Hawkmoth’s control, she assumed they had different opinions on how deep the risks were. Though, it wasn’t as if she didn’t trust Chat himself, just his sacrificial ideation. He just kept putting himself in a position where she couldn’t rationally give him her name. If he’d had it under Dark Cupid’s arrow or Puppeteer’s magic, they’d both have been doomed.
But, then again, Hawk Moth had never asked Chat for his name, so maybe it could be the smarter decision to share? Hawk Moth clearly didn’t have their identities above the priority of stealing their miraculous, or he’d have asked already, surely? Maybe he just wasn’t expecting them to know each other like that. Their relationship was complicated even in the simplest ways, but, if she did tell him who she really was… how would that change who they were to each other? Would they be closer, or would it ruin everything? The idea was spinning her brain.
“Marinette?” Tikki eventually murmured, drawing her out of her thoughts with a light tap on the cheek.
“Hmm?”
“We need to go meet with Chat Noir soon.” She reminded, glowing a little to show Marinette where she was in the otherwise pitch black room.
“Oh. Right.” Marinette said back, a little groggy. “I forgot about that.”
Tikki tilted her head, watching Marinette blink as her eyes adjusted. “We can always reschedule if you don’t feel up to it?”
“No, no, I suggested it, it’d be weird for me to cancel.” She huffed with effort as she got up, her body having already settled itself for sleep. “Besides, I owe him some kind of explanation as to where exactly Ladybug’s been this whole time. Not that I know what I’m going to say.” She breathed out a hollow laugh. “Oh god, I really have no idea what I’m going to tell him.”
Tikki hummed comfortingly, “That’s alright, I’m sure he’s pieced together enough by himself, and if you’re not comfortable to, you don’t have to tell him everything! Why don’t you start smaller? Check in, and see how he is, but leave the big conversation for another day.”
Marinette gave her a look. “When did you get so wise?”
“Oh, something like three millennia ago, I don’t keep track.” Tikki said with a small smile. “…You sure you want to go?”
Marinette nodded, stretching her arms up above her head and yawning. “Yeah. Gotta face him sometime.” The worry set deep in her face. “We can’t afford to let what happened, happen again. At the bare minimum, we need to discuss some kind of battle strategy, or way to contact each other outside of the suits. Every time, we rush in after Akumas with no real plan, and honestly, Tikki, it’s a miracle one of us hasn’t died yet.”
“Well.” Tikki huffed, folding her arms. “I’d like to think I had a bit of a hand in keeping you safe.”
Marinette smiled faintly. “I don’t doubt it Tikki. I’m just concerned that good luck can only go so far.”
“It’s not just me! You have good and bad luck with you!” Tikki assured, knowing it wasn’t quite the effortless worry cure she wished it was. She could see how Marinette’s face was lined with unease. Not for the first time, she regretted that her miraculous wasn’t able to put everything back to normal. Some pain couldn’t be wished away.
“I think I’ve had enough of bad luck. In general, that is, not Chat, I know that’s not what you meant, but its just that… ugh.” Marinette said with frustration, rubbing her eyes with the base of her palms. “Two attacks, Tikki. Two, and I couldn’t do anything to stop them without you. We have to put something, anything, in place to avoid this happening again. I don’t want to be responsible for Paris’ destruction.”
“You won’t be.” Tikki replied quietly, “I know so, and it wasn’t your fault this time either.”
“Mhm.” Marinette hummed unconvinced, and turned away, effectively ending that line of conversation. She pulled a coat on over her pjs. “Ready to go? I’ll still be able to feel the warmth of this under the suit right?”
At Tikki’s nod, Marinette stood, lifted at the loft hatch, and whispered, “Tikki, spots on.”
——
Midnight, by the time it came, had Chat as ablaze as Ladybug was red, he was so excited.
Bouncing on the balls of his feet, dancing around the top of the tower, his Cheshire grin widely un-contained: Ladybug was on her way to see him! After weeks of separation! How could he not be gripped by eager anticipation? He’d rehearsed what to say to her a hundred times over (wildly annoying Plagg) and then changed his mind a hundred times more.
What exactly did you say to your soulmate, your recently reunited, your one and one Lady Love who had been missing for over a month? ‘Hi, hey, hello’ just didn’t seem to cut it. Nah, he needed some real romance, the stuff people wrote about in made-for-tv romcoms, or bargain bin novels with badly photoshopped front covers.
Something gripping.
He didn’t have much time, Ladybug would be at the rendezvous within the minute, and so far all he had on hand was ‘you’re so beautiful, that my vision is going spotty’ or ‘your Kwami was lost, like I am in your eyes’, neither of which (he rightly thought) would go down well.
It was while he was still pondering, that Ladybug landed in front of him with a small smile. “Hey, Chaton.”
“Bugaboo!” He cried without thinking, wrapping her up in a hug almost immediately, squeezing her tight as he could.
Well. At least he could say it was from the heart.
“It’s nice to see you too, kitty.” Ladybug said, slightly muffled by his shoulder. “Chat? Chat you can let go now. I can’t breathe.”
“Oh! Sorry.” He pulled back, still unable to keep his smile in, “Paw-don me my lady, but I couldn’t help it! You’re a sight for sore eyes, and yet still, my night-vision doesn’t do you justice.”
Ladybug rolled her eyes. “I appreciate that Chat, but no time for jokes—”
“Oh? But I thought my puns were hiss-terical! You don’t think I have a tail-ent for comedy?” He raised his eyebrows and grinned cheekily at her. “Sorry, I have a month of these stored up. What’s up? Something… bugging you?”
It was a long while before Ladybug said anything in reply, but she started at him blankly, her expression something between fond resignation and irritation. Chat watched her face keenly, his own expression falling a little as he noticed for the first time how exhausted she looked, like she hadn’t slept well in a long time. The bags under her eyes were present even with the mask on her face.
“Yeah… actually, Chat there is and I—” She ran a hand over her forehead, pushing baby wisps of her hair back. “I want— I needed to talk to you about something important.”
A little sad his puns had been ignored but nonetheless still in good spirits, Chat sat, patting the rooftop next to him invitingly. “Happy to listen, bugnette! I’m all ears!” He wiggled his cat ears for emphasis, hoping that maybe that would cheer her up.
Not at all cheered, she sunk to the floor next to him, sighing deeply. “We need to do better than this, Chat. Myself, especially.”
“What do you mean?” He replied. If he was being honest with himself, he was too caught up in the elation of seeing her again. He had to keep pushing his tail down, where it was trying to curl around her hand, and this was taking most of his attention. A part of him worried she’d disappear again, and this time he’d never find her and so the urge to hold her, in any small way, hoped to make that thought a little less scary. But, this was still Ladybug, she didn’t seem in the mood for more hugs, so he did what he could to not be too much.
It was making him antsy.
Ladybug clenched her jaw. “The attacks while I was out of commission. In those, too many injuries, too many civilian lives in danger, too many chances for Hawk Moth to gain an advantage. Even just the one would’ve been too much, and with two innocent people possessed in that time…” She stared daggers at the ground, like she wanted to set it alight with her own self-fury. “There was one I didn’t save. It’s not good enough.”
“Hey, two is better than three!” Chat said, looking to keep the conversation light. “And you don’t need to worry, Tikki did a great job, and Mayor Bourgeois is totally fine. I checked on him, and he was a little tired, but otherwise all good! He kept trying to get me to advertise for his next campaign, but I don’t think I’m much cut out for being a politi-nyan, though.” He said, trying for another smile.
It didn’t help. Ladybug tucked her knees to her chest, eyes glazed like she couldn’t hear him. “…Do you know what I realised Chaton? Today’s Miraculous Ladybug didn’t fix everything. All that damage from the Perfect Candidate attack, it’s still there. It’s all still ruined.” She curled her hands into fists, staring angrily at the skyline. “Civilians could’ve died on my watch. Their homes are gone, their city shattered, all because I didn’t keep to my responsibilities. How many lives did I endanger, how many people have suffered because of my one stupid mistake?”
Chat’s reassuring smile faltered. “Mistake? But, my lady, you saved the day today—”
“No! No, I didn’t!” Ladybug yelled suddenly, shaking her head, pigtails swinging. “I swore in front of children, I lost my temper at a possessed victim, and Chat, I even knocked her unconscious! I punched her in the face! That’s not heroic, that’s wrong! I even— I even wasted all that time ranting, while an Akuma was hurting her! What’s wrong with me?”
“Lady—” Chat struggled to get a word in.
She tugged at her hair, twisting the magic ribbons between anxious fingers. “So many of my mistakes have hurt people, Chat, and not just today or the other attack! I hurt people. My family, my friends, my citizens, you. I said and did horrible things, pushed my problems onto others, made so many people worry about me. Don’t think I haven’t seen the articles, the comments, the news— it was bad— no, it is bad! I have to be better. Irrelevant of intent, the fact of the matter is people were hurt because of me!”
She looked at him directly for the smallest moment, “It’s supposed to be my job to heal them, and I wasn’t there; I couldn’t be there, because I messed up. I wasn’t there, Chat.” Her voice cracked, and she hid her face in her knees, took in a huge breath, and threw her head back in a long frustrated groan. “I’m the worst superhero ever.”
Chat, confused, scrunched his eyebrows, trying to keep at least an air of reassurance intact. This wasn’t what he’d expected, though thinking back he hadn’t really thought much past the heartwarming reunion, but this harshness, it was so unlike her. It felt like they were reading two different pages of the wrong book. “But, you don’t have to do it alone, you’ve got me and Tikki, and you’re doing your best! Even with a miraculous, you’re only human.” He assured, reaching a hand out to try to comfort her. “We’re a team, together we can—”
She cut him off, “No, not just that Chat, we need to be stronger, faster, more resilient, better equipped, both in and out of the suits!” As she slipped back into rambling she stood abruptly; Chat had no choice but to let his hand fall or chance awkwardly stroking her leg. She continued, “We need back-up plans, strategies and, and… I don’t know, allies or something, safe houses, some kind of reserve resource to lean back on! I— I haven’t had time to plan yet, but, if anything, this is what I mean. We’re so unprepared Chat Noir!”
“Well—”
Ladybug threw up her hands and paced along the rooftop, gesturing wildly. “Don’t you ever think about it? Our best clearly isn’t good enough if this is what happens when Tikki’s gone for more than five minutes! Think about it. We both just woke up one day and were told that an entire city— no, an entire country’s, possibly an entire continent’s, maybe even the world’s fate, now rests on our shoulders. Don’t you think that’s crazy? Why us? Why can only I, only Tikki, heal them? Is there no one else out there? Not one other Kwami out there that can purify akumas? No organisation or government program better equipped than two teenagers? Not even a single other hero in Paris? I don’t know about you, but I’m not specially trained, I don’t know any martial arts, I’d never even touched a yo-yo before Tikki turned up at my door, and now I’m expected to take on all this? All those lives depending on me? Why? I couldn’t even do one nice thing today without injuring myself! Twice!”
Chat tried again. “I’m sure— hey, we were both chosen for a—”
“No!” Ladybug shouted, her voice so loud it echoed. She breathed heavy like she hadn’t expected herself to yell that loud, and Chat’s flat cat ears suggested the same. “Who even chose us? It doesn’t make any sense— I can’t…” Her eyes blew wide as she stumbled back a step. “I can’t do this.”
And with that, she threw her yo-yo, ignoring Chat’s desperate unfinished plea for her to wait, and leapt alone into the night.
——
As she ran across the skyline, Marinette glanced at the rubble still lining the streets, and felt her eyes well up.
Oddly, like it didn’t fit right, the mask on her face itched.
——
“Marinette.”
She didn’t reply.
“Talk to me Marinette.”
“…What do you want me to say?”
Tikki sighed, gently pushing Marinette’s bangs out of her eyes. “Anything you need to say.”
Marinette pushed her head up off her desk with a groan, letting herself fall back against her chair. This wasn’t how she had planned to talk to Chat. What happened? She’d gone in thinking they could have a nice catch-up with some jokes before making a solid plan, and instead, she’d dumped all her problems on him and run away. She didn’t like to be one to sing the song of self-pity, but sometimes she, like everyone, just sank that low. She felt terrible. It wasn’t helping that Tikki was being so nice about it either. Marinette didn’t feel like she deserved it.
“…I didn’t mean to yell at him like that.” She said under her breath.
It didn’t get past Tikki. “I know.”
“I’m just so mad at myself.”
“I know, Marinette.”
Her lip wobbled. “I want to learn from my mistakes, but I just keep making them again and again. Like I’m stupid or something.” She pushed her hands against her cheeks angrily. “I don’t understand what’s with me lately, I just want to move past all the bad stuff that happened, but its like I’m stuck.”
Tikki patted Marinette’s head, and sighed softly. “You’re not stupid. I understand feeling overwhelmed, but do you think maybe that’s just the reason why?”
Marinette glanced at her from under her fingers. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you haven’t moved past it yet.” Tikki said, matter of factly as she floated down to sit on the desktop. “You went through a lot! And so far all you’ve done is focus on how other people were hurt, which yes, is important, but so is how the same things hurt you! Trying to move on quickly without giving yourself time to heal or accept what did happen is only going to hurt you, and the people you love, even more.”
Marinette sucked at her teeth, and Tikki waited, sensing Marinette needed a moment. “I just… I don’t understand. How could you forgive me?” She said eventually, “After what I did? After what I’ve done?”
Tikki creased her eyes in confusion. “What?”
Marinette looked at her sadly, her voice just above a whisper. “Tikki, I lost you.”
Tikki blinked. “Oh! Oh, Marinette, that was an accident! I’m not mad at you for that, don’t worry, but if it’ll make you feel better: I forgive you, wholeheartedly. I’m just glad we’re both safe and back together! That, and I can finally taste your baking again!” She smiled warmly. “I wouldn’t ever hold something like that against you, I know it wasn’t on purpose.”
“No, I— ugh.” Marientte said, shaking her head in a ‘no’ motion too fast and almost losing her balance. She slammed her hands on the desk to catch herself, bouncing Tikki up an inch. “I almost ruined everything with my clumsiness, and then everything after— it was all my fault, Tikki! How could you still want me to be Ladybug after I’ve failed you so many times?”
She leaned back, and choked out a crazed laugh, or maybe a sob. “You should find a better hero, you should find someone else. I’m a disappointment.”
A moment or two passed where no one spoke. Marinette moved her hand, perhaps to remove her earrings or wipe her eyes, there was little way to tell, but nonetheless, Tikki didn’t like it.
“Marinette Dupain-Cheng.” Tikki said, with a tone like ice. “Not once, not ever, have I thought of you as a disappointment. I have worried about you and I will continue to worry about you, not because I would think you a failure, but because I care about you. Marinette, I am so, so lucky to be not only your Kwami, but your friend. Don’t you know how rare that is? Mistakes are a part of growing up, its okay for you to feel overwhelmed, I’m here to share that burden, so is Chat! You fight for what’s right, what’s good, in and out of that spotted suit and for that I am grateful. You really do inspire me with how earnest, how creative, how kind, how truly miraculous you are! I don’t want another Ladybug, not when I know I could have you, because I am so, so proud of you. You are more of a hero than I could’ve asked for.”
“Tikki—”
“I’m not finished!” She squeaked, zooming up to Marinette’s eyeline and holding tiny fists at her sides. “You keep saying that you messed up, but Marinette what’s important is that you still tried! You spent all that time without me trying to help people, and that’s special, that’s what makes you a hero— my hero! You did save Alya, and you did stay safe and you did save the day in the end! It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t a tragedy, because you prevented it. Nothing ever goes right every time, and no amount of luck can fix that, but Marinette, you, by yourself, made all that difference."
She swallowed a breath, talking too fast. Aware that Marinette self-faith was waning, she was trying to get the words out quick. “Without you, there’d be no Alya today, or tomorrow, and Paris would be a wasteland. Your parents would miss you every single day and I would miss you for every day after that. You will never, ever be a disappointment Marinette, not to me, not to your friends, not to your family, Paris or to anyone else. You are more than magical just the way you are. You don’t have to prove a single thing to me.”
She crossed her arms, a little awkwardly as she struggled to get it right first time, and pouted sourly. “So there. D-Deal with it.”
At her tiny puckered scowl, Marinette couldn’t help herself, she laughed, sad giggles bursting out of her like fluffed-up bath bubbles and she hugged Tikki tight to her cheek, “Thanks Tikki, that’s very nice of you to say.”
Tikki didn’t need to say anything else, she’d said what she felt she needed to, but still she murmured. “I think it’s just the right amount of nice, and I mean it, very very much. But, if you really feel like you’re not prepared enough, there is something we can do about that.”
“Really?” Marinette wiped her eyes with her sleeve, sniffling. “How?”
“Firstly, if you’re worried about your fighting ability, we can sign you up for martial arts!” Tikki said brightly, bouncing across Marinette’s keyboard to bring up different dojos in the area. “And, if you feel like you need back-up, you’ve got Biirdy and Chitters willing to help already, and I know a few more Kwami who’d be willing to lend you a paw if you need it. You’re not in this by yourself, I promise.”
Marinette blew her nose, trying to recompose herself. “Okay. Sitting here feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to get me anywhere.” She hesitated for a second before she said. “Tikki?”
“Hmm?” Tikki looked up, already pulling over a notebook and pencil ready for them to start planning with. “Yes?”
“I’m really glad I have you.” She smiled, her shoulders a little less weighted than before. “Thank you. For being my friend, and caring about me.”
Tikki grinned, so wide and bright that she glowed. “You’re welcome Marinette! It’s the easiest thing in the world to do.”