Chapter Text
Her eyes panned over the cramped office. Although "office" was maybe a bit of an over statement, to Calli, it felt more like a closet bathed in off-white paint.
.
How the fuck does anyone work like this man... It's so stuffy in here I feel like I'm gonna suffocate...
Her eyes continued to wonder, refusing to look at the older businessman seated behind the desk across from her. Her leg bounced restlessly and her finger tapped relentlessly against her thigh. The rapper would do anything to distract herself from the current situation. A small bead of sweat rolled down her back. She was really regretting wearing a long thick black coat in the middle of June.
Music was playing from the speakers on the desk that separated them. Something about uzies, waifus and gangs laid out in articulate English with a sprinkle of Japanese here and there.
The song came to an abrupt stop just as it was winding down. Calli finally turned to face the man across from her.
‘So what did you think?’
There was a slight hesitation in her voice. She turned expectantly to her friend seated beside her, before looking back at the man.
「 どうでしたか？ 」he asked.
There was an air of stoicism about the man across from her. It was impossible for Calli to read what he was thinking. The brief moment before his reply felt like an eternity to the rapper.
「 残念ながら、森さんの音楽は、私たちが求めているものとはちょっと違うんです。英語が多すぎて、私たちの団体のターゲット層がきちんと楽しめるとは思えません。そして、そこにあるわずかな日本語は、幼稚であるか、間違っている。お時間をいただきありがとうございましたが、今回はパスさせていただきます。 」
Calli turned back to her friend after the businessman finished speaking.
‘He said he thanks you for your time but you aren't what they are looking for.’ her friend whispered.
Breath caught in her throat.
It's not like she didn't completely expect a response like that, but it didn't make it hurt any less.
「 こちらこそありがとうございます時間を割いてくれて私に会うため 」she spoke the words she had been practicing for this moment.
The rapper gave a short courteous bow before quickly exiting the room. She could hear her friend saying something to the representative from the indie record label as the door was swinging closed. She didn't bother to wait for him, grateful that she remembered the way to the exit.
She was sitting on a bench outside of the office building when she saw her friend walk out a few minutes later.
‘Hey, you good dude?’
‘Yea I'm good’ she said, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket.
There was a light tap on her arm. She looked up to see her friend handing her demo cd back to her. She took it with a soft thanks.
‘That guy doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about ok. You're shit great for real.’
Calli wanted to believe it. To believe that he meant it. It’s just…
‘It's not Japanese tho.’
‘Yea but I mean, you're not Japanese.’ he shrugged.
The rapper winced at those words. It didn’t go unnoticed.
‘Hey, You know I didn't mean it like that…’
She wanted to believe it.
‘Yea.’ She really really wanted to believe it.
‘I know.’ she chuckled half heartedly.
‘You know, I could ask Ks to help you out, he could put in a good word for you.’
‘Nah man, I can't. He's already done so much for me, I can't keep coming to him for everything. I gotta do this shit myself ya know?’
‘If you say so man. Anyway you wanna ride back to your place? He asked, gesturing to the parking lot with his thumb.
‘Umm,’ Calli pulled out her phone to check the time and weight the options in her mind
‘Nah I think I'll walk it.’
Ight. Ah shit, before I forget’ he dug into his pockets and pulled out 2 tickets.
Me and Ci gotta show coming up next weekend, you gotta be there’
‘Next weekend?’ she took the tickets from him
‘shit I can't man, it’s exam week next week... I'll be grading papers all that weekend.
‘Oof, that's rough man.. But hey, keep the tickets anyway. In case you find the time. I’d love to see you there.’
‘For sure dude.’
‘Ight, catch you later Mori’
She sat there and watched her friend walk off. She was still sitting there as he pulled out of the parking lot. To be honest her feet ached from a long day of teaching. Walking home in this godforsaken heat sounded like torture compared to getting a rid in a air conditioned car. But Calli was terrible at hiding her emotion. Fra was a nice guy, and she knew disappointment was etched so strongly on her face that you could read it like a book. And the last thing that she wanted right now was to be cheered up. She wanted to just wallow in this feeling for a while.
So she started walking.
Yea but I mean, you're not Japanese
The words played over and over in her mind. There was an obvious truth to it. The Texas born and raised American girl was, in fact, not Japanese. Even knowing that, the statement still stung but she couldn’t riddle out why. She caught a glance at her reflection in the window of a shop she was passing by. She stopped and stared at the reelected image. And as she watched other reflections walk by she was overcome with a feeling.
She did not belong.
‘What the fuck am I doing here...‘ She mumbled to herself.
‘What the fuck kind of delusional person moves to a country where to don't speak the language to make music.‘
She pulled out her phone from her jacket pocket. Maybe being cheated up wouldn’t be so bad after all. Her finger hovered over the call button.
‘You know what…’ she placed the phone back in her jacket.
‘I need a fucking drink.’
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Dark orange and purple hues bled through the skyline as the rapper entered the convenience store. She was grateful that most of them had the same layout as well practiced steps led to the refrigerators in the back of the store. Hunched over slightly, her eyes scanned over the colorful labels. Finally she spotted what she was after. Usually Calli had a penchant for red wines but on days like today...
‘Bingo baby’ she muttered to herself, grabbing one of the cans.
Today was a Strong Zero kinda day. She propped the refrigerator open with her shoulder as she grabbed another. With a Strong Zero in each hand, her eyes still lingered over the beverages.
‘Fuck it.’
She grabbed another can and sauntered over to the register. The rapper unceremoniously placed the drinks on the counter and fished her bank card from its slot on the back of her phone case. The kind looking cashier waved off her card and gestured with both hands to the sign placed near the register with a gentle 「 すみません 」.
Panic washed over Calli as she stared at the sign. No matter how much she tried to will it to happen, her brain could not understand the kanji written on it.
I can't even get a fucking drink without screwing up…
This was the straw that broke the camel's back. The frustration at herself started to well up in her eyes. Her face burned hot at the thought that she was about to have a full on breakdown in a convenience store.
‘It says the card reader is broken. They’re only accepting cash.’
…what…
It took her a moment to process.
English. Glorious, beautiful English. Albeit in a strange accent, but it was English nonetheless.
The rapper wanted to turn around and give the kind stranger a hug but she was too embarrassed. So instead Calli gave a quick thanks without turning around to avoid the humiliation of showing her red, bleary eyed face to the stranger and proceeded to dig into her jacket pocket for her wallet. First she had to get past her demo cd, placing it on the counter to reach back in for her wallet. She paid, grabbed her drinks and left as quickly as she could.
The moment she was outside of the store, Calli cracked open the first of her Strong Zeros and took a long sip. The palpable taste of alcohol caused her to shutter just a little. It felt invigorating in its own kind of way. She let out a contented sigh and started to make her way back to her apartment.
She didn't make it very far before she heard someone calling out to her.
‘Hey wait!’ the voice called
She turned around to see the stranger from earlier, who had clearly come running after her, come to a halt.
‘You forgot this.’
The rapper's eyes were enraptured by the sight of the slender woman standing before her. The light of the twilight sky danced in fiery orange hair that draped over her shoulders. She wore a navy blue blazer over a black button-up shirt with a tight, dark pencil skirt that ended just above her knees. The outfit greatly complimented her curves Calli thought, and she's wearing heels...
She wasn't sure what was more impressive, that this woman had chased after her in heels, or that she was seemingly unfazed by the sudden physical excursion.
She must do a lot of cardio... She mentally noted as she eyed her cd in the girl's extended hand. She had a red bull in the other.
Calli continued to contemplate it as her eyes slowly made their way back up, until they finally came to rest on the stranger’s gorgeous amethyst eyes. A dusting of red covered the stranger’s cheeks, her mouth slightly agape. It was at this moment that Calli had a horrifying thought.
Just how fucking long have we been standing here…
Warmth spread across the rapper's face. She wanted nothing more than to just run as hide. She resisted the urge long enough to snatch the cd case from the beautiful lady's outstretched hand. With her demo cd back in her jacket pocket, she turned on her heels and took a step to start walking away.
But the rapper could feel the stranger’s eyes lingering on her. Normally it wouldn't matter to her, as a foreigner she was used to getting looks, but this time it was different. This time, it made her pause. Something stirred in her chest, a feeling that Calli had not felt in a long time, as she waited for what felt like an eternity thinking, or maybe hoping, that the woman behind her would reach out, to try to talk with her more.
The silence was broken by the click of heels on pavement of the other girl hurrying away.
‘Whatever…’ The rapper breathed as she continued walking back to her apartment.
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It was an old building, relatively speaking. New enough to have an elevator, old enough that her JET PA advised her never to use it. And she trusted that warning. With every drunken step she took up the stairs, they threatened to slip out from under her. It was nights like these that the rapper really hated living on the top floor of a six story building. There was, however, one upside.
Calli continued to clamber up the stairs, pausing every so often when it felt like the world was spinning a little faster than normal. She stamped her feet and stood still to ground herself. It was a trick she learned from her little sister. Maybe it was just placebo, but to Calli, it seemed to help. The occasional spins didn’t deter her from nursing her final can of Strong Zero. She aimed to finish it before she got to the top. She had to chug almost half of it when she reached the last flight of stairs.
When the rapper reached the top floor she didn't stop at her apartment. There was just one good thing about living here: rooftop access.
The cold metal rungs of the ladder felt good against her hands. The cool breeze of the night air felt better. It washed over her as she wrestled her jacket off and placed it at her feet. Spreading her arms, Calli stepped up to the ledge of the building. She closed her eyes. As she swayed with the breeze, a sense of calm overtook her. Goosebumps traveled all along her exposed skin. She opened her eyes and the spell was broken.
The Tokyo skyline, or at least what she could see of it, was beautiful. But it wasn't without its own hint of melancholy. Of isolation. Gears were turning in her brain, constructing a flow of melodic syllables, but the alcohol made it all too hazy for her to grasp anything tangible. As carefully as she could, Calli moved to sit on the ledge.
Stretching her upper body and neck a little, she settled in. When she felt ready, Calli reached over into her jacket and produced her demo cd. She stared blankly at the shoddy artwork she had done for the cover. She weighed the disk in her hands...
And she closed her eyes.
She felt one of her hands let go, while the other got into position. With one motion, she launched the disk like a frisbee. She wasn't sure how she'd feel as the cd it left her hand.
Sad maybe, she thought. Or anger, or just disappointment in herself..
But she was wrong.
She felt relieved. Like a weight had been lifted off of her.
She felt free.
And it terrified her.
her eyes sprung open to find the disk gripped tightly between her hands. She brought it closed and hugged it tightly to her chest.
She felt like she was going to cry.
No.
Wait.
She was gonna throw up.
Calli tried to get off the ledge as quickly as she could.
The morning greeted her in her appointment with a splitting headache.
When she sat up, she felt like puking again.