Chapter Text
“Oh. I, uh…” Stede wasn’t quite sure how to respond to Ed’s revelation. “You’re supposed to kill… me?”
“One sec,” Ed said, reaching into his pocket. Stede nearly expected Ed to pull a wand on him, but instead Ed pulled out an odd looking device that resembled a bug sculpted out of copper. Ed dropped it to the ground and stomped it with his boot, scraping the thin between his heel and the floor until it was thoroughly destroyed. “Okay, now we can talk.”
“What was that?” Stede asked, his curiosity winning out over the fear that had briefly overtook his mind.
“Listening device,” Ed said. “I’d prefer if we had this conversation in private without Iz listening. Or making commentary.”
Stede had been almost certain he’d heard a voice the other day coming from somewhere unseen. He supposed he was glad that he wasn’t going mad. “It’s a pity you had to destroy it,” Stede said. “I would have loved to see how it works.”
Ed groaned. “See, this is exactly why I was having such a hard time killing you.”
“Ah, yes. So, about that…” Stede trailed off.
“For the record, it wasn’t going to be just you,” Ed said. “Technically I’m supposed to kill everyone. Or at least, the Headmaster and all of the Professors.”
“Oh, well that’s… a relief?” Stede asked.
“Nothing personal,” Ed said. “We just figured if we were going to take the school hostage, it would be easier if all of the adults were all dead.”
“And by ‘we’ you mean…”
“My crew n’ me,” Ed said. “Honestly, it’s a little surprising nobody figured it out. I mean, what kind of Headmaster just lets a notorious dark wizard into Hogwarts to teach children? ‘Oh sure, mate, we hired murderers and torturers all the time, come on in.’”
“I suppose it does show a certain lack of foresight,” Stede said. “Hogwarts never has had the most rigorous vetting process for staff. Hopefully they work to improve that.”
“I mean, I never even graduated!” Ed said incredulously. “I am clearly unqualified.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” said Stede. “The students do seem quite fond of you. And they do seem to be retaining their lessons quite well.”
“Of course they are, I’ve just been teaching them how to curse each other! What kid wouldn’t have fun with that?” Ed said. Stede thought for a moment that Alma would get a kick out cursing other children. She always did have a certain aggressive spark in her. “We figured we’d recruit some of the more depraved students and then ransom off the rest. Make a fortune off of just a few weeks of work. But a few weeks turned into a few months and I… I dunno, I guess I started to just enjoy being here.”
“So that unsavory trio outside…?”
“Checking up on me to see why the hell I haven’t gotten around to blowing you all up,” Ed said.
“Ah,” Stede said. “And blowing us all up. Is that… still on the table?”
Ed shook his head slowly. “Nah. I don’t think it is. But I also can’t stay here.”
“I don’t know about that,” said Stede. “Nobody else knows about this. It would be very easy for us just to… forget?”
Ed gave Stede a look. “Could you actually forget that I was planning to do something so awful?”
“But you didn’t do it,” Stede said. “So, yes, I suppose I could.”
Ed sighed. “You’re too nice to me. I don’t deserve it.”
“Everyone deserves kindness,” Stede said. “You’re no exception to that.”
The two of them were silent for a long time. Occasionally, Ed would take a small nibble of the chocolate Stede had given him. It really was good for calming the nerves.
It was Stede who finally spoke. “We should probably try to get some sleep,” Stede said. “We both have class in the morning and don’t want to show up looking like we were attacked by a dementor, after all.”
“I doubt I’m going to be able to sleep tonight,” Ed said.
Stede looked over at his shelf. “I have an idea,” he said, standing up to pull a book from the shelf. “When I had trouble sleeping as a child, my mother would read me a story from The Tales of Beedle the Bard. I wouldn’t mind reading to you if you’d like.”
Ed shrugged. “I mean, whatever you want, mate.”
Stede took this as the closest to a yes as he would receive. He sat himself on the ground next to the lounge chair that Ed sat in. “Let’s see, how about The Warlock’s Hairy Heart? A bit grim but quite poetic in its way,” Stede said. He looked up at Ed, who was staring off into the distance. “Um, or actually, maybe something a bit lighter would be better. I’ll read The Fountain of Fair Fortune.”
Stede opened the book and began to read aloud. His voice was calm and soothing, and before long, Ed really did feel himself begin to drift off. Absent-mindedly, he ran a hand through Stede’s hair, and Stede responded by resting his head against Ed’s thigh. Before the story was over, Ed’s hand fell still on Stede’s shoulder and he fell into a deep sleep. Stede stayed there long past the point of finishing the tale, listening to Ed breathing slow and steadily until he himself nodded off.
-
The arts education at Hogwarts theoretically could have been worse, but it was difficult for Stede to imagine how. The student choir and the toads were almost always a note off from where they should have been, leading Frenchie to begin strumming along slightly faster than he should have. Perhaps it wasn’t the children’s fault though, given that the Swede seemed to change the tempo of his movements every measure as he conducted.
“Double double toil and trouble,” the choir sang as they began the next song. Well, at least they were attempting to pay tribute to the Bard.
“God these get worse every year,” Lucius said under his breath. Stede was too polite to agree aloud, but he also wasn’t about to disagree.
“I don’t ‘member there being a choir back when I was in school,” Ed said.
“Rather recent addition,” Lucius explained. “Apparently we had the budget to add a choir but not math. I’d say ‘go figure,’ but unfortunately nobody here would be able to.”
“They should have added something cooler. Like lion taming or pegasus fighting or something,” Ed said. “Teach kids how to ride hippogriffs or the best way to cook basilisk.”
“I did hear Headmaster Swott say he was considering adding Care of Magical Creatures to the curriculum,” Stede said.
“I mean, I guess you could care for them too,” Ed said, rolling his eyes a bit. “How to bathe your sphynx. How to raise and reraise a phoenix.”
“I take it you’re not an animal person,” Stede said.
“They’re fine in certain contexts,” Ed said, poking at his steak.
The Swede waved his hands about as he conducted the choir to the conclusion of its song. “Something wicked this way comes!”
Most of the audience clapped politely. As the Swede thanked the audience for their support, Mr. Buttons entered the great hall. He approached Headmaster Swott and said, “Beggin’ yer pardon, Headmaster, but there’s a visitor for ye outside the grounds.”
“Ugh. Tell whoever it is that we don’t need whatever they’re selling,” the Headmaster said. “I am not about to get roped into another damn journal subscription.”
“He says he is here on behalf of the Ministry,” Buttons said. “Though I cannae say if he is a trustworthy sort.”
“On behalf of the Ministry?” the Headmaster asked. “What the devil does Minister Gamp want that he couldn’t have just sent an owl?” He got up and followed Buttons from the hall.
Ed stabbed at a potato with his butter knife, then stabbed it a few more times for good measure. Lucius looked on at the distasteful display but said nothing. “I’m so fucking bored,” Ed said, having thoroughly murdered the potato.
“Let’s go for a walk,” Stede said. “Maybe a nice stroll around the Black Lake would be nice.”
As they got up, Stede pulled out a coin from his pocket and left it by his plate as a tip for the house elf who would have to come to clean up after. Ed thought about telling Stede that he didn’t have to do that every night, but imagined he already knew and would continue to do so regardless of what anyone else thought.
The two of them walked into the fresh air, the waxing moon hovering in the sky. “Lovely night, isn’t it?” Stede asked.
Ed grunted in half-hearted agreement. He had seemed a bit off since the dementor had attacked them the week before. Walking on the grounds now, Stede could see Ed’s eyes glancing about as if expecting another dementor to swoop down any minute.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Stede asked.
“Hmm?” Ed asked.
“Whatever is on your mind,” Stede said. “We can talk it through.”
Ed stopped walking and paused for a moment. Finally, he sighed and began, “I…”
“Blackieeeeeee!” a voice called out.
Stede turned to see a stranger walking beside Headmaster Swott. The man was in rather dirty looking robes, which Stede suspected wasn’t just from travel but was likely persistent.
Ed’s eyes widened. “Jaaaaaaack!” he called back. He and Jack jogged to each other, each giving the other a playful punch to the arm upon meeting. “What the hell are you doing here, man?” Ed asked, laughing giddily.
“Believe it or not, I’m on Ministry assignment,” Jack said.
“How the fuck did that happen?” Ed asked.
“Part of my probation,” Jack said. “Got caught robbin’ Gringotts and it was this or a stay at that new prison they’re building on Azkaban. Since only thing I killed were a couple of goblins and this is only my second offense as far as they could prove, I got my pick.”
“Good choice, Azkaban’s a piss pot even without a prison,” Ed said. “How long you staying, man?”
“Few days or until this one gets tired of me,” Jack said, punching Headmaster Swott on the shoulder. The Headmaster teetered awkwardly before regaining his balance.
“Would you care to introduce me to your friend?” Stede asked.
“Oh yeah, of course,” Ed said. “Stede, this is Jack, my former partner in crime and best friend in the whole wide world. Been on a thousand adventures with each other since we got booted out of Hogwarts. Jack, this is my friend Stede.”
“Hey, Steve,” Jack said quickly before turning back to Ed. “Imagine that, me a Ministry man and you a professor with fancy fop friends. Never thought I’d see the day we both got whipped.”
The two of them walked to the castle together, laughing and hitting each other and talking about old times while the Headmaster shuffled quickly behind them. Stede was left behind, feeling completely forgotten.
-
Jack had to be the most obnoxious person on the planet. Not that Stede Bonnet had met every person on the planet, but it seemed like a safe guess. He was vulgar and inconsiderate, not to mention that Stede was almost positive that the man hadn’t bathed in months. But worst of all was how Ed acted around him. It was as if he had completely regressed to the mindset of a 4th year student, and a particularly immature one at that.
“Pixie! Pixie! Pixie!” Ed chanted while Jack screamed, “Get your ass up, Grindylow! C’mon!”
Stede approached the circle where his friends sat watching the two little creatures grapple with each other. “Stupid feckin’ Grindelow,” Wee John griped, grabbing his hat from his head and throwing it to the ground.
“Ow!” the Sorting Hat exclaimed.
Frenchie picked up Sorty and dusted him off before putting him on his own head. “I told you, Cornish Pixies can beat almost anything in a fight.”
Stede wasn’t sure what irritated him more: that his friends were betting over two small creatures being forced to fight or that they hadn’t invited him. Not that he would have wanted to attend, of course -and in fact he would have probably put a stop to it immediately- but being excluded never feels nice.
Jack grabbed the bruised Grindylow and chucked it into the Black Lake. “No one told me they can’t breathe out of water! Never time I’m bringing a Biting Fairy to the ring.”
Stede made a disapproving noise. Jack elbowed Ed and said, “Guess your old lady doesn’t like that.” The comment itself wouldn’t have botched Stede so much except that Ed laughed along with Jack. Ed half-heartedly tried to shush him, which just made Jack grin mischievously. He turned to Stede and said, “Lighten up, I’m just jokin’, Steve!”
“He’s just jokin’,” Ed echoed, still laughing.
“Hmph,” Stede said, reaching into the circle to pick up the Cornish Pixie which was trying in vain to fly out of the magical dome it had been trapped in. “Just doesn’t seem very sporting to have two little creatures fight each other. If you want a fight, you could at least have the grace to do it yourself.”
“Hey, there’s an idea!” Jack said. “Let’s play smackies!”
“Smackies!” Ed cheered, making the first move by smacking Jack upside the head.
Stede rolled his eyes and walked the Cornish Pixie to the Forbidden Forest to set it free. The little creature tried to bite and scratch its way free, but there was no way he was about to let it out so close to the castle since even one on its own could create significant havoc.
After releasing the creature, Stede sat down on a log and sighed. He supposed he was moping a bit, but it was hard not to when he felt himself being replaced by someone as thoroughly obnoxious as Jack.
“We could ‘haps try to bottle some for later,” he heard a voice say. “But nothing can compare to fresh moonglow.”
“Nrf,” another voice winnied in agreement.
Stede turned to see Buttons walking through the first with a couple of centaurs, his patronus Karl standing on his head. “‘Allo, professor,” Buttons called. “Will ye be joining us for the moonglow harvest tonight?”
“Maybe next month,” Stede said. Truthfully, he didn’t think he would ever want to join in on a moonglow harvest. The ritual seemed to consist only of Buttons and the centaurs standing naked beneath the light of the full moon and occasionally singing in what seemed to be not a language but pure tone. Usually on the first full moon of the year, students would stand around to gawk at the odd sight, but it never took them long to get used to the Caretaker’s eccentricities.
“Aye, there is always next month,” Buttons said, continuing on with his centaur friends.
Stede sat in silence for a while longer as the afternoon dragged on. Part of him had been hoping someone would come looking for him. Just when he had given up hope, he heard a branch break under heavy boots. “Ed?”
“Blackbeard’s still at the lake,” Jack said. “I just needed to take a whiz.”
“Oh,” Stede said, disappointed.
“I’ll let him know the Mrs. was asking after him,” Jack said.
“I really don’t know what you mean by that,” Stede said.
“I’m only jokin’,” Jack said. “It’s just funny seeing him spend his time with a prissy little feller like you. Blackie I knew usually went for people a bit more like himself. Like, well…” he gestured towards himself.
“Again, I have no idea what you are referring to,” Stede said, standing up. “But I will say that perhaps he’s not the same person you knew.”
“Or maybe you don’t know him at all,” Jack said as Stede walked away.
-
Not that he believed school staff had any obligation to be well behaved even during their free time, but Stede did feel that getting drunk on the Quidditch field was a step too far. The sun had set so all of the students should have been inside the castle by now, but regardless, such behavior on school grounds was never appropriate.
“Hey, mate, you made it!” Ed called, waving to Stede.
As Stede approached, he began, “Well, I don’t think it exactly counts as ‘making’ an event if you are not invited to, but…”
“Bludgies!” Jack yelled, cracking the bludger with the bat. The thing flew an inch over Stede’s head and into one of the bleachers with a loud smack, cracking the wood.
“Really now!” Stede said. “You could be a bit more careful!”
“Oops. Sorry,” Jack said. But when the bludger came back, he again swung at it wildly, Roach just nearly dodging the thing.
“I’ve never used a bat before,” Olu said. “Are you sure this won’t hurt you, Sorty?”
Stede looked over to see the Swede standing a few yards away with the Sorting Hat on his head. “Course not,” Sorty said. “I’m a hat.”
“And I will cover my face? So you cannot hit it?” the Swede said, putting his hand up over his nose and mouth.
“Okay, this is clearly a terrible idea,” Stede said. “I think you have all been drinking a bit too much to safely hurl balls at each others’ faces.”
“Speaking of balls in faces, Blackie, remember that time…” Jack was distracted momentarily by the bludger coming back towards him. He smacked it with the bat, again sending it too close to Stede for comfort.
Ed put his hand on Stede’s shoulder. “He’s just having fun,” he said, but did add, “But you’re right.” He called out, “Alright, I think it’s time to call it a night.”
“Noooo,” Jack whined. “We’re just getting this party started!”
“It’s getting kind of late,” Ed said. He was still smiling, but there was a certain stiffness to it. “We were going to go to the Chamber of Awesomeness around now, remember?”
“Oh, so the group is heading down to our dueling practice area?” Stede asked. Something about this bothered him, but he supposed it was Ed and Jack’s place long before he had ever heard of it, so perhaps he never should have thought of it as his and Ed’s place to begin with.
“Uh, sort of,” Ed said. “I was actually thinking just me and Jack would go.”
Stede liked this even less. “Oh.”
“You know, for old time’s sake,” Ed said, shrugging apologetically. Then he called out, “Alright, ready, Jack?”
Jack looked over at Ed. Stede was certain he saw a malevolent expression pass over Jack’s face. “Nah, who wants to be cooped up in a stupid old chamber on a night like this?” Jack said. “I think I’d rather stay out here.”
“Um, yeah, I guess, but, you know, I really think we’d have a better night if you joined me downstairs,” Ed said. Stede felt his face reddening. He saw how uncharacteristically uneasy Ed looked as he tried to convince Jack to join him while clearly leaving something unsaid. “Just seems like a good night to be inside, you know? Away from everyone else.” Lucius and Pete exchanged a glance with each other at this.
“Away from everyone else? Now where would be the fun in that?” Jack asked. To the rest of the group, he said, “Hey, I have a new game for us! Who wants to play chasies?”
“How do you play chasies?” Frenchie asked.
“Easy. Once it’s time, you all run, and I chase,” Jack said. “If you get caught, you lose.”
“How do we know when it’s time?” the Swede asked.
“Trust me, you’ll know,” Jack said.
Ed looked alarmed. “Shit, Jack, I don’t think…”
“C’mon, it’ll be fun!” Jack said. “The old Blackie would have gotten a kick out of a game of chasies. Remember last time? That was hilarious.” He started laughing and said in a mocking voice, “‘Aaah, no, don’t eat me, not my face, aaaah.’”
Ed’s eyes shifted from Jack to the others, who all looked thoroughly confused by this point. “That was different. I really think we should go. Right now.”
“Ugh. Izzy was right, you really are lame now,” Jack said.
Ed looked as if he’d just been gutted. “Everybody, run!”
“Is it time?” the Swede asked.
“Once it’s time, it will be too late,” Ed said. “Go! Now!”
Nobody moved, confused glances and unsure smiles painting their faces. Wee John raised his hand. “So, is this still part of the game?”
“For fuck’s sake,” Ed said. “No, this…”
Above them, the full moon appeared from behind the clouds. Stede felt his heart drop as he suddenly realized what was happening. A moment later, everybody else realized too.
“Alright, get ready,” Jack laughed, his eyes turning a bright yellow. “Get set,” he went on, his teeth elongating into a horrible grin. “Run.”
Immediately, everyone bolted towards the exit. “Shit, shit, shit!” Jim yelled, grabbing Olu’s hand and attempting to drag him away faster as Jack transformed behind them.
“You couldn’t have mentioned that your friend is a werewolf?” Stede yelled.
“Well, I didn’t think you would need to know!” Ed said, running by his side. “It’s been ages since he did this on purpose.”
“He’s done this before? On purpose?!” Stede exclaimed.
They heard a snarl from behind them. Now a fully transformed werewolf, Jack let out a howl at the full moon above. And then he charged.
“Every man for himself!” the Swede yelled. The group split up into twos, darting into different directions. In theory it should have been a toss up who Jack would follow, but it did not take long for Stede to realize that the werewolf only had eyes for him.
Stede and Ed ran side by side, Jack gaining on them. “Think, think,” Stede said to himself. He asked Ed, “How did you survive last time?”
“I’m an animagus,” Ed said. “Werewolves won’t attack anything it doesn’t realize is human, so I just transformed before he turned.”
“Well, I’m not an animagus, so what do I do?” Stede yelled.
“Towards them!” Ed said, pointing. They were coming across a small crowd of centaurs. “He won’t attack a horse guy. Well, probably not.”
What happened next went by so quickly that it was hard to process. Buttons stood at the center of the group of centaurs, standing stark naked with his arms raised towards the moon. “Excuse ye, but this is a private moon basking!” Buttons said.
“Buttons, run!” Stede yelled, passing the small crowd.
“We are in the middle of something!” Buttons said. “Have ye no respect?”
Buttons didn’t see the werewolf as it leapt at him. He let out a terrible scream, his patronus dissipating as the monster tackled him to the ground. “Oh no,” Stede said, stopping in his tracks before beginning to run back towards Buttons and the werewolf.
Stede approached, drawing out his wand. But it was too late. The werewolf bit down hard onto Buttons’ shoulder, ripping flesh from the man as he reared his head back up.
The pain in Button’s eyes was quickly replaced with a look of horror. “No, not this, anything but…” He did not finish, his own transformation already beginning. Buttons fell back to the ground, looking up at the full moon with his yellowing eyes. Tears ran down Buttons’ cheeks as he realized that whether he lived or died on this night, this would be the last time he would ever bask in moon glow.
Ed grabbed Stede’s hand. “We have to go!” He dragged Stede along towards the castle.
“Ed, there are students in there!” Stede exclaimed.
“I have an idea,” Ed said. “Head to your room.” They entered the castle and ran down the hall. The creature was closing in behind them. “Quickly, open the door, then conjure that hidden closet of yours.”
“Alohomora,” Stede said, unlocking the door to his chambers. As they ran in, he waved his wand, making the door to his auxiliary closet appear.
Ed shoved Stede inside. “Lock it behind you,” Ed said, the werewolf entering the room. “I should have told you what he was.” He sighed and added, “You were always gonna realize what I am.”
“Wait, Ed, you…” Stede was interrupted by Ed slamming the closet door shut on him. He heard the slam of another door and realized what Ed had done: he had trapped the monster in Stede’s room, which also meant that Stede was now trapped. The creature growled furiously and began to bang itself against the closet door. But this was magically reinforced cherry wood from Brazil, and there was not a creature that Stede knew of that could have broken it. As the night dragged on, Stede could hear the werewolf scratching at the door and howling in frustration. He curled up on the closet floor and listened to the chaos and destruction on the other side of the door. Needless to say, Stede did not sleep that night.