Chapter Text
Rosaria is fantastic with her words when she wants to be, even if she doesn’t typically say many. Arguably so, that adds to the effect.
Kaeya, coincidentally, is also a master at talking, although not in the same way Rosaria is. He, unlike Rosaria, can speak quite a lot. In fact, he’s fairly social - when he wants to be. Although, when he isn’t, he’s more mysterious - Rosaria supposes he likes that. He enjoys being talked about, surely, because he goes out of his way to make it happen.
Juxtaposed to Sister Rosaria, who hates the spotlight. She prefers her privacy and secrecy; not in the Kaeya way, in the actual way. Rosaria assures she’s completely cut off, all lights are out and every movement she makes is discrete. The nights have that advantage to Rosaria.
However, whether Kaeya work day or night, Rosaria notices he’s careless in so many things. He’s calculated, until he’s not; he’s serious, aside from when he’s not; he’s incompetent - except when he proves himself otherwise. Rosaria knows the only reason Kaeya can get away with being so incautious is that filthy mouth of his. It charms and cheats its way into everything he wants and desires - hence why Rosaria can never trust it. She cannot allow herself to fall for such antics. She is far better than that - she has what most don’t, the eye to see what she believes is blatant and yes, that does most certainly include that wretched tongue of Kaeya’s.
He has this overzealous tendency to primp and preen and Rosaria knows more than anyone, it’s a front - but how much of it? That’s hard to tell. She doesn’t waste her time on discerning the details. Rosaria isn’t one to make work for herself - preferring to discard everything he says as a false promise.
This never really meant much, perhaps it prevented their friendship from being closer than it already was and that’s all it ever was, a slight inconvenience, one that could be ignored and pushed back - but now? It’s an issue. An issue that sticks out like a weed in a garden of cecilias. It’s becoming more and more prominent as time passes and Rosaria feels weak every time she gets struck with a guilty feeling.
But, right after, she reprimands herself. She yells at herself, internally, because she’s not allowed to feel that way. She gets hurt like that and to care about literally anything is a weakness. Especially for this idea of ‘love’.
Love was never real, Rosaria is convinced of this. It’s a tale made for those who need it, same goes for religion. The only time people turn to the Gods is when they need it. That’s what ultimately turns a sinner into a saint - their selfish desires.
Too poor? Pray, the Gods will bless you. Lonely? Need someone? Barbatos will hold your hand and guide you through it all. Rosaria will never practice what she ‘preaches’.
She’s certain that this fate that everyone has is true, though. To an extent. She believes she’s doomed, cursed with the inability to care or have another care for her. Well, she was, until Kaeya came to bother her every night. Only, he wasn’t bothering her, because she ended up returning the favour and bothering him.
Now, fate has brought them here. Although, Rosaria doesn’t think that’s true. She believes it’s all a trap to lure her into a false sense of security. Anyone would believe that, by now, Rosaria would have learnt her lesson. Perhaps she should have never agreed to this idea, this plan.
All she’s done is mock herself. Falling for someone - Although, she hasn’t fallen just yet. She’s tripping, but never hitting the ground. She’s simply unstable.
She’s always been like that, so it doesn’t bother her. However, it bothers Kaeya.
She knows how she treats him sometimes goes to his heart, even if he’s used to letting her playful insults go in one ear and out the other - it’s different now. Rosaria cancels dates, laughs in his face, can’t admit she’s wrong afterwards. She’s prideful, too prideful to say sorry.
She’s too prideful to say a lot of things.
That’s probably why she’s only managed to muster up those three words once.
She can’t expect Kaeya to not be upset, yet she does nothing about it. She wonders how she hasn’t pushed him away.
She must not be a fun partner. She’s not cut out for love - because fate never planned for her to be. That’s why she’s never shared a dream.
Rosaria can only assume he stays out of convenience. He’s lonely and takes pity on her for her own misfortune.
It turns her face sour. Rosaria has a signature scowl, so no one picks up on it. No one asks her if she’s alright and when they do, they’re not really asking. They don’t care. They only ask because Rosaria brings down the mood. Everyone asking that only asks it out of selfish desire. ‘Are you okay?’ actually means ‘stop looking like that’.
Rosaria, in that way, is a hypocrite. She’s no pure angel herself, so to cast judgement upon others? She stands in no position to do so. She, in most cases, does not care what others do - as long as they don’t drag her into it. Rosaria despises wasting her time. However, Rosaria does pride herself on a few things, one being her ability to be independent, another being her critical thinking skills. Although, most may say, Rosaria is too critical, they don't understand that she holds herself up to the expectations she voices for everyone else. She believes she's not asking much, but then she realises, she believes in far different from everyone else.
On the other hand, Kaeya can't help but notice how Rosaria stands out from the rest of the church members. Even though he knows fully well, everyone pales in comparison to Rosaria regardless, she's different. Objectively. She stands out from the typical Sister and it's obvious. He wonders if he's not the only one with eyes on her. He believes such a fact is impossible and he's proud of himself that he's allowed to call Rosaria his.
It feels shallow when he puts it like that, but he means it with sincerity. Rosaria is an undeniable beauty, but to call her that seems far too undervalued. She’s far more complex than her physical features. Although, Kaeya admires them.
He never used to think about such things so painstakingly before, but now it’s all he thinks of. The intricacies of Sister Rosaria; he can’t help but get giddy. He feels stupid, like a child, but he doesn’t care most of the time. Rosaria makes him happy, even if he never expresses that. She always has been one to make him happy, but never with such intensity.
Kaeya questioned, at first, whether it was just the romanticised version of her he made up in his head. Funnily enough, the only reason he questioned such a thing was due to Rosaria’s sudden speculation one night.
He remembers it well, where he and Rosaria were talking and all of a sudden, she spontaneously kissed him. Kaeya tries to refrain from making the first moves, knowing Rosaria is akin to a deer when it comes to affection - so he always lets her take the lead. He doesn’t mind, finding he prefers it. He scoffs at the idea that he’s getting lazy, that he’s slacking in that aspect, but he doesn’t care when Rosaria grabs onto his face like that, holding him with unmistakable tenderness.
Perhaps, he shouldn’t be so easy, but he allows himself to indulge in her domestic touches. Those hands used to be so foreign to him, more foreign than her lips used to be, but now he believes he can imagine such a moment with perfect clarity. If only he could write, or draw, he would, just to hold onto the moment longer.
Instead, he replays moments like this in his head. He wonders if Rosaria even remembers such affections. Whether she pictures them with fondness or whether they haunt her like the rest of her memories do. Either way, Kaeya likes to think she means what she says.
Rosaria has this ability to be honest - although not completely. Rosaria certainly does not lie like Kaeya does, but she’s just as, if not more mysterious.
Regardless, Kaeya trusts her. He allows himself to be himself around her, for the most part. He drinks around her far less, because he doesn’t need the courage to be someone else around her. He doesn’t need to charm her, or keep up his reputation with confidence, he can let his hair loose.
Rosaria used to find him amusing when he was batshit drunk, but now, she argues his sobriety is a sight to behold too. Equally, if not more amusing. He’s so delicate on the inside, bizarrely sensitive to emotions, words, even touch. It’s unanticipated from Kaeya when he comes across as so obnoxious.
Kaeya offers this side to Rosaria willing, not attempting to get Rosaria to do the same, although he wishes she would. He knows, deep down, Rosaria needs time. She needs a lot of things and, as things stand, he’s content.
He’s confident his feelings are true, he loves her, not the version of her he’s made in his head. He believes he’s so confident in such a claim because it’s always been true, but it’s only recently he’s accepted it.
He’s afraid, sometimes, that she’ll leave. It’s true. Sometimes, she says things, does things she doesn’t mean. There’s no excuse, but Kaeya know the reason. Rosaria rarely apologises, but she will do in her own way.
Sometimes, she’ll hold his pinky finger behind the church in silence as she smokes. Perhaps, not the most romantic gesture, but Kaeya feels it somehow. He imagines her thoughts, sees the look in her eyes. She attempts not to look at him, feeling vulnerable in a moment where she’s trying to apologise. Kaeya swears he can see her lips part, air coming out instead of “Sorry”.
She needs time and he understands it, so he doesn’t push her.
He understands that Rosaria is unstable, in the least pitying way possible. He’s not particularly stable himself, so he can’t say much. However, he realises that, by letting Rosaria be in control, she reveals herself.
If Kaeya were to spontaneously drag her to the bedroom, he probably wouldn’t see her for a week. He figures Rosaria believes he’s wanting to get something out of her and the simple excuse of “love” and “passion” does not suffice. However, if he lets Rosaria do it, she’s completely different.
She mocks him, albeit playful, squishing his cheeks and whispering words of affirmations. Kaeya does his best attempt to love her back, attempting to return the favour, but she doesn’t let him. She can’t let him.
Kaeya can’t just let it slide.
He can only indulge so much and let her kiss him until he feels an immovable guilt. He presses his hands against her shoulders, moving her back from the feast she’s decided to allow herself on his neck. He’s hot and heavy, but shaking his head to stop her. It’s not that he doesn’t want this, it’s just not fair. He feels as if he does nothing for her, while she does so much.
“W-Wait-”, Kaeya whined, his chest still aching from the irregularity of his excited heartbeats, “Hold on-”
Rosaria gives him her lustful gaze and it’s evident she’s not wanting to end the moment. Kaeya feels guilty for interrupting her, not wanting to give the wrong impression, but he needs to get it out. It’s on his head and stays there, appearing most predominant in times where they’re most intimate.
“Ah- Rosaria-”, Kaeya pants, having her hands slide up his shirt eagerly. He can’t believe he’s passing down the opportunity. He believes he has some sort of super power.
“Yes?”, She asks, that tone of seduction shining through.
Kaeya must be the strongest person to deny her, really, “Mm- I want to ask something-”, He admits, hand shakily reaching out to stop Rosaria sneak her hand up further.
Rosaria finally listens, freezing in place with an almost shameful look at herself. She seems embarrassed when he has to physically intervene, realising she has no self restraint - a thing Rosaria used to have.
“I- I just want to repay you,” Kaeya admits, his face still red from Rosaria overexerting him.
She gives him a confused expression, wondering what exactly Kaeya owes her. Surely, if he did owe her anything, she would’ve been the one to remember.
“Don’t give me that look,” Kaeya laughs breathily, a half-hearted chuckle escaping. He’s picked up such a phrase from Rosaria.
“Hush,” Rosaria hums, her softer version of ‘shut up’. Kaeya can only smile sappily before getting back to that serious look he rarely ever gives to her.
“You do so much for me,” He admits, the guilt setting in as he thought about it, “You make my life a lot easier by the things you do,” He adds, more sheepish as he continues, “I feel like I’m not contributing like I should.”
Rosaria really wants to laugh at that and she does, but it doesn’t last long and rather than a laugh, it comes out in parts, a series of breathy-scoffs.
“You’re so stupid,” She comments, although she means it endearingly, it proves she doesn’t believe him.
“Ro,” Kaeya hums lowly in annoyance, pouting in the moment, “I mean it. I don’t know if you don’t see it, but you do a lot for me,” Kaeya’s face tenses, “I don’t do as much for you. I want to, but, I don’t want to scare you off. I don’t want to overwhelm you-”
Rosaria scrunches up her nose in disagreement, but doesn’t interrupt him.
“I want to love you but in a way you prefer,” Kaeya sighs, the grip on her shoulders tensing, “I like how you love me. It’s unique and I haven’t felt it before,” He admits.
Rosaria, again, wants to laugh, but she keeps her mouth shut for the sake of the moment. She can read the room and she knows, now is not the time for a witty comment.
“I know I sound sappy-”
“You do,” Rosaria introjects, her instincts getting the better of her. She grimaces at her self restraint, “Sorry, go on.”
Kaeya shakes his head, understanding the instinct to ‘lighten the mood’. Too many times has Kaeya cracked a joke at the most inappropriate time to save face.
“I just want to be able to return the feeling. I feel as if I’m not doing enough for you,” He admits, surprising himself at his honesty, “I want to make you feel like…How you make me feel. Not-”, Kaeya gazes away, “I don’t mean sexually, despite the timing,” Kaeya laughs softly, yet it’s awkward.
“Are you sure?”, Rosaria jokes, picking up on Kaeya’s bad habit of joking far too much at a serious moment. She squeezes his cheek, smirking as he pouted. He’s childish, inside. He has an inner child that never had the chance to be unleashed, much like Rosaria. It’s a coincidence, really, yet they have completely different styles of coping. Somewhat.
“I’m serious,” Kaeya whispered, pressing his hand over Rosaria’s. They’ve never been good at this serious heart-to-heart stuff. Rosaria figures it’s her fault. After all, Kaeya wasn’t one to open up, yet here he was, doing it on her own accord. Talk about being unfair.
“I know,” Rosaria sighs, the softness in her touch leaving completely, “I just don’t understand where you’re coming from.”
Kaeya remains quiet, although she doesn’t sound like she wants to continue, he hopes she does. He wants to see things through her eyes, because they can only read each other’s minds so much.
Rosaria indulges him, just this once, “You do more than enough,” She assures, “It’s me that lacks.”
She hasn’t said much, quantity wise, but she’s admitted a lot there.
“You don’t lack,” Kaeya responds, to which Rosaria almost hisses at him in defense.
“I don’t need you to reassure me. I don’t care,” She bites back, more aggressive than intended. Kaeya realises she’s sensitive in these scenarios, where she’s opening up. To Rosaria, opening up serves no purpose, other than to console. Rosaria does not need to be consoled, she knows that. She doesn’t need anyone’s pity and Kaeya’s words of care translate into that.
Kaeya’s muscles squeeze regardless, his facial expression changing ever so slightly. To Rosaria, the change is obvious, but yet, there is no sorry. She’s too prideful. She’s not sorry for how she feels. She’s sorry for making him flinch, causing him to feel uncomfortable.
“I…Know that,” Kaeya whispers, his gaze escaping elsewhere, “I just don’t think you lack. I know you don’t care, so telling you this is pointless-”
Rosaria nods, as if he’s right, although Kaeya feels she’s become a liar in the moment. She’s not one to lie, but he supposes love does crazy things to people.
“I just feel like I’m lacking,” Kaeya hums, his face turning back to her, “And I don’t know how to appreciate you-”
Rosaria doesn’t know either, so she remains silent with redundant thought.
“I don’t think you’ll let me appreciate you, but I’m not sure,” Kaeya tenses, “I’m not blaming you for anything. You’re more than good to me-”
“You don’t need to kiss my arse,” She warns, giving him a glare.
Their conversations, whenever serious, become detrimental.
However, for how much Kaeya talks, he’s a good listener. He takes orders well, at least. He remains quiet, not wanting to kiss her ass more than needed.
They hold that desolate silent for far longer than intended, Rosaria wanting to find the words while Kaeya anxiously grips to the moment, waiting for her. He’s patient, when he wants to be. That’s one thing he’s proven throughout their deal.
“You’re patient for one,” Rosaria notes, clearing her throat to fill the silence more so, “You’re the one to follow me,” She added, bowing her head lower, “You’re persistent. It’s a good quality.”
“Thank you,” Kaeya responded, although it was automatic. That was obvious from how fast he responded, causing Rosaria to glare at him for the insincerity, “I mean- I don’t see it,” Kaeya adds, being honest this time, “I don’t see how it’s a good quality.”
Rosaria sighs, “And why is that?”
“I feel like my persistency just pushes you away,” He admits, “But I know that if I don’t, you might not do it by yourself,” He added, playing with his bottom lip, “And…I guess I do it automatically sometimes, because I want to, then…”
She figures that’s where she scares him off.
“Yeah,” Rosaria adds, filling in the silence while keeping Kaeya quiet. She doesn’t want him to say what’s obvious, “I don’t mean to.”
Kaeya wants to say ‘I know’, because he does, to an extent, but sometimes he doubts himself. He doesn’t want to turn down her confession, so instead, he doesn’t say it. He doesn’t say thank you either, preferring to smile to himself in response.
Rosaria wants him to stop, not because she hates how she’s made him feel, but because she hates how, when he’s happy, she is. That fact alone means she’s weak and accepting it is painful.
She gave him a look, a look she didn’t understand herself, nor did she know how it translated to Kaeya. She glared at him, hand hooking his jaw firmly. She wants to do something about her feelings. Whereas, logically, she wants to rid them, her ultimate desire is to show them. She’s not familiar with such a feeling, nor such a desire.
Kaeya has always asked for a soulmate.
Rosaria was always content without one.
So why did fate pair them?
Rosaria is sure, it’s a mistake. It’s doomed, always has been and as much as she wants to fight fate, a relationship takes two and she is only one. She can rely on herself, just as she always has, but relying on another person is something Rosaria is sure she cannot do.
“You’re so stupid,” Rosaria whispers, head curling downwards. She stared at his chest, quiet and almost content looking before her body shakes, jolting with her breath hitching.
Kaeya can only assume she’s crying.
He’s never even imagined Rosaria crying. The idea alone seemed surreal.
She gripped his shoulders, nails digging into his skin with what Kaeya can only assume is desperation for some sort of outlet that isn’t crying.
He wants to reassure her, in the right way. In a way that conveys what he wants and in a way Rosaria accepts and understands.
“I know you don’t need one,” Kaeya hums lowly, arms inch around her waist before settling around her, “But I’d like to hug you.”
Rosaria can’t exactly push him off. It’s what he wants, so it’s fine. She allows herself to experience Kaeya’s embrace, his comfort.
Rosaria isn’t sure how, she prefers not to think about how weak she’s being in the moment, but her face ends up buried in his chest. She wants to punch him, or herself, she can’t decide. She wants to push him away. That’s what she tells herself.
But that, in reality, is not what she wants. She wants comfort, stability, the ability to stay in his embrace and allow herself to be held without question. She wants to be naive, in a way, but she knows ignorance isn’t always bliss - but neither is being aware, or paranoid as Rosaria is.
She’s stuck in a predicament, mentally. Her mouth fights her thoughts and her thoughts continue the same cycle of aching altercations with her actions.
“I-I fucking…h-hate you…”, Is all Rosaria can spill out, but Kaeya understands what she means when she says that. She doesn’t hate him, she just hates how he makes her feel. She’s afraid, just as he is. Afraid that she’ll be left alone. She doesn’t want to grow accustomed to someone that could just get up and go.
They both fear the same thing, for different reasons, but similar ones.
Rosaria isn’t sure how he does it, how he deals with her and why he’d do so in the first place. She says it’s out of convenience, but she’s almost certain that, with how difficult she is, being with her is far from convenient.
However, she doesn’t want to admit he’s with her for love, for many reasons. For one, love doesn’t exist, not genuinely. Soulmates exist, but they are not that, so whatever they have cannot be genuine- or at least, Rosaria doesn’t want to risk the possibility. She enjoys her independence and to be so attached it is scary.
She doesn’t want to accept that he loves her because, if it is true, she’s even more guilty of treating him unfairly. She doesn't want to accept it because, if she does, what if there’s a moment he doesn’t?
She can’t accept that he loves her because, realistically, why would he? Their friendship was fine, yet their deal had done nothing but show Rosaria’s inability to treat Kaeya with the same fairness and kindness he’s shown her.
She hates that.
To think that Kaeya is the correct one.
She wants to believe he brings out the worst in her, but she brings out the worst in him too. But maybe they need that, or something along those lines. Rosaria isn’t sure.
She can’t help but push her head deeper into his chest, although she’s not going much further. She’s just pushing aimlessly against him, attempting to comfort herself.
That’s already a sign she’s done for.
Why is she allowing this? That’s all she can ask herself in such a moment.
Her throat feels raw, unable to contain her sobs. She doesn’t want anyone to see her like this but the fact that it’s Kaeya makes it worse because now, all her efforts have gone to waste.
She’s broken that face she’s put on for far too long and just the thought alone makes her feel like a hypocrite. She’s shunned Kaeya for years over his fakeness, yet here she is, being just as much of a liar as he was.
At least now, she’s accepted that. One step at a time, she supposes.
She sobs, releasing a heart-wrenching scream as she digs her nails into Kaeya’s shoulders again. He flinches ever so slightly, but doesn’t mind the pain. In a way, it relieves him, because she’s showing something to him. She’s being vulnerable and a few marks on his skin is a small price to pay. He knows she doesn’t mean to, she’s just trying to help herself, attempting to do something that isn’t endlessly sob.
Rosaria’s never seen the point in crying, or opening up.
Perhaps that’s why she hates vulnerability. She hates being hypocritical.
How many times will Kaeya do this to her? How much of an impact does he really have? Such an influence is dangerous, but she can’t do much now.
She’s been on the edge of falling for a while, tripping and tripping and managing to stay on her own two feet and keep her feelings- and Kaeya- at bay.
Yet now, she’s let her feelings get the better of her. The comfort he provides should be informidable, yet she’s terrified, just as he was once with her. Perhaps he still is.
Rosaria wonders how she got so lucky. She wonders when that luck will end.
Unless, this really is fate, not luck.