Work Text:
The audience applauds madly and Greg uses the time to reposition himself on his throne, a big grin playing on his lips.
“And next to me a man who has been described as the result of what would happen if you put a sausage on a stick and leave it out in the sun for weeks-” A few people make a disgusted noise and two of the five contestants wrinkle their noses at the image Greg has conjured up. “-it’s Little. Alex. Horne!”
Singing each syllable of the name, Greg turns towards Alex, still smiling. Alex reciprocates the smile.
“Hello Greg,” he says airily, but his expression drops to a more business-like expression. “Can I offer you a beverage?”
Greg frowns suspicious. “Why not. Yes.”
The corner of Alex’s mouth quirkes up and he dives for the little drawer at the bottom of his throne. Slowly he opens it and takes out a glass about three quarters filled with a clear liquid, which Alex then carefully hands over to Greg.
“That’s the beverage, is it?” Greg sniffs the liquid and whilst maintaining eye contact with Alex, takes a cautious sip. The contestants are seemingly holding their breaths. Surely Alex wouldn’t offer Greg something that wasn’t safe for consumption, right?
“It’s just tap water,” Greg announces after he’s swallowed the liquid and licks over his bottom lip. Now more confident, he takes another sip.
“Yes!” Alex nods enthusiastically. “You know, if you google the definition of ‘beverage’ it’s defined as ‘a drink other than water’.
Greg has placed the glass on the small table next to the golden effigy of his head. “But this is just water,” he says. His tone clearly indicating that Alex hasn’t, in fact, given him a beverage then. “Unless…”
“No,” Alex confirms quickly. “You’re right. This is just water. However, I put it to you that every drink contains water to some extent. You know, tea, coffee, squash, milk… soup. Everything contains some amount of water, so why should it be excluded from the list of beverages?” Alex makes a motion with his arm as if he’s putting the question not merely to Greg, but to basically everyone in the studio.
“I don’t know.” Greg is still looking at Alex, apparently waiting for Alex to provide an answer.
“Well, me neither.” Alex shrugs and raises his hands in an exaggerated gesture. “But instead of excluding water from being a beverage, I say, we should exclude every drink other than water.”
Greg raises an eyebrow. “I s’pose it’s ‘cos it is water. And it’s got nothing else in it.”
“Try and make any other drink without water,” Alex goes on, undeterred. “And if you add ice, you- well-” He takes one hand off the iPad and scratches at his brow. “Anyway. You wouldn’t call cocoa powder in of itself a beverage, would you? Not without milk or water.”
Alex pauses. There’s silence apart from a few chuckles from individual members of the audience. The contestants look rather nonplussed.
Greg sighs and scores out the ‘banter’ bullet point on the cue card before he looks up again. “That’s it, is it? That’s the banter?"
“I’m just saying. Maybe we should rethink the definition of the word ‘beverage’.
“But you didn’t.” Greg shakes his head, then he gives the camera his best ‘see what I have to work with, unbelievable’ look. “You didn’t say it.”
“Yes, I did. Just now,” Alex attempts to defend himself rather weakly.
Greg isn’t even looking at Alex anymore, although suddenly he freezes and turns to Alex again. “Hold on, did you say ‘soup’?”
Alex stares back and gives the smallest of nods. This elicits more of a reaction from the audience than all the other things Alex said beforehand.
“You are a weird, weird man. I’m not even sure if I should be irritated or just disappointed, but we’re definitely gonna be having a word afterwards about the quality of your banter.”
Alex’s eyes widen. “Oh, I nearly forgot!” He stoops down again and reaches inside the drawer for a second time. With a little difficulty, Alex pulls out a small wooden board on which six shot glasses filled with some red liquid are placed.
“And what’s that then?” Greg raises both eyebrows and inhales deeply and annoyed, presumably that the bit isn’t over as he has hoped.
“The punch line.”