Offtowhateverland
Recent bookmarks
-
Tags
Summary
In third year, Hermione Granger punches Draco Malfoy.
He retaliates by stealing her first kiss.
Somehow it doesn't end there.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 75,768
- Chapters:
- 11/11
- Collections:
- 18
- Comments:
- 1,127
- Kudos:
- 13,985
- Bookmarks:
- 4,142
- Hits:
- 363,245
Bookmarked by Offtowhateverland
18 Aug 2026
-
Tags
Summary
Ten years after the war, Hermione Granger is a single mom struggling in her custody battle with Ron Weasley. After declaring she’s given up on dating and love, she turns to the courting matching system to help her find safety and security for her and her son’s future. Much to Hermione’s surprise the matching system for courting is not only impressive, but kinky. So when she’s matches with Draco Malfoy… Well, that just makes it all that much hotter.
The complications of Hermione's relationship with Ron and her secret courtship with Draco collide into an emotional slow burn filled with flirty banter, nosy mothers, and kids who say the darnedest things.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 100,393
- Chapters:
- 42/42
- Comments:
- 592
- Kudos:
- 4,147
- Bookmarks:
- 1,794
- Hits:
- 157,013
Bookmarked by Offtowhateverland
16 Dec 2025
-
Tags
Summary
First, he stretches. Then, he exercises. He eats breakfast, and watches the street he lives on come to life -- the old man and his corgi, the baristas at the coffee shop, the woman who jogs, the daughter and father, and the Indian grocer all making their appearance. Then, he showers, shaves, dresses, and heads to his job as an Auror, where he has been on desk duty ever since he was pulled from the field because of The Incident.
Draco lives his life by his Ministry mandated Mind Healer routines, and he is trying to get back to being Potter's left-hand man, but the cannonball to his careful regimen comes in the form of a very cranky Hermione Granger.
Banter, fluff, eventual smut, an ensemble cast of friends and family and weddings and babies. Told in mostly Draco's POV, but the occasional random one, because who says Draco is the most reliable of narrators?
It’s a character-driven slow burn.
Series
- Part 1 of The Hum Hallelujah Universe
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 188,227
- Chapters:
- 72/72
- Collections:
- 4
- Comments:
- 1,150
- Kudos:
- 2,655
- Bookmarks:
- 1,374
- Hits:
- 153,307
Bookmarked by Offtowhateverland
09 Dec 2025
-
Tags
Summary
As she looked around her living room - at the green velvet ottoman she didn't remember purchasing, the 14th century Wizarding texts on her bookshelf, the hideous and obnoxiously ostentatious grandfather clock that could only belong to a Malfoy - she pictured the toothbrush next to hers on her bathroom counter, the old Slytherin quidditch jersey she regularly tripped over in her bedroom, and the mint chocolate chip ice cream in her freezer - a flavour she abhorred, but that a particular, pale, pointy faced aristocrat sat across from her had a tragic fondness for.
Her chest burning, as if she drank a barrel of bubotuber pus, Hermione turned to him with narrowed, accusing eyes. "Malfoy...are we dating?"
If there's one thing Hermione Granger knows, it's that she simply doesn't have time to date. Draco decides to date her, anyway.
Series
- Part 1 of Grandfather Clocks and Ginger Biscuits
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 106,117
- Chapters:
- 12/12
- Collections:
- 56
- Comments:
- 1,895
- Kudos:
- 14,009
- Bookmarks:
- 6,280
- Hits:
- 602,914
Bookmarked by Offtowhateverland
22 Nov 2025
-
Tags
Summary
“Harry Potter, why can I hear a man singing in our shower?” Hermione stormed into the kitchen of Grimmauld Place.
“Hmmm?” A muffled noise came from the open pantry.
“I can hear a man singing in our shower!” she repeated while Harry appeared through the doorway, with a bag of flour and a mixing bowl.
“Oh that’ll be Charlie.” Harry said, dumping the ingredients on the long wooden table between them.
“Charlie? Charlie Weasley?”
Hermione has a crush on Charlie Weasley. Charlie moves into her house. She's all of a fluster and she thinks she's going to have to do something about it.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 56,809
- Chapters:
- 15/15
- Collections:
- 6
- Comments:
- 414
- Kudos:
- 3,092
- Bookmarks:
- 877
- Hits:
- 79,125
Bookmarked by Offtowhateverland
15 Nov 2025