caitlinade
Recent bookmarks
-
Tags
Summary
Evan Buckley grew up with one understanding; he wasn’t of value unless he was hurt. That belief fueled all his actions, and turned him into the reckless firefighter he is today. But it had also been festering into something more, turning into this ugly monster deep inside him.
When that belief system begins to feed Bucks low self esteem, and lead to mental health issues he is not equipped to deal with, he doesn’t know what to do. But he’s definitely not going to tell anyone.
He can’t be another thing for people to worry about.
But the team begins to suspect anyways, despite how hard he tried to keep them away. And Buck has no clue how to handle it when they begin to break down the walls he worked so hard to put up.
Bookmarked by caitlinade
09 Jun 2025
-
Tags
Summary
He’s not really sure what the first symptom was. Maybe it was re-downloading MyFitnessPal and obsessively counting calories and macros. Maybe it was spending an extra hour during his workouts or tacking on a five-mile run at the end of his days. He’s not entirely sure. He just knew that one day, he was right back in the middle of the eating disorder that nearly killed him, and it felt like he was drowning.
OR
Buck relapses into an eating disorder that nearly killed him.
! Major trigger warnings !
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 12,095
- Chapters:
- 2/2
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 27
- Kudos:
- 985
- Bookmarks:
- 178
- Hits:
- 19,021
Bookmarked by caitlinade
15 May 2025
-
Tags
Summary
The Buckley siblings were just trying to have a nice holiday, a bit of sibling bonding time away from the chaos of LA, unfortunately the universe has other plans.
Towards the end of a ten hour flight to England flight BA268 disappears, and Buck and Maddie just so happen to be on the passenger manifest.
or
“Brace for emergency landing”.
The cabin crew began yelling “Brace, brace, head down, stay down. Brace, brace, head down, stay down.”
Buck hadn’t been scared of much in his life, he was an adrenaline junkie, he ran into burning buildings for a living. But this? This was probably the most scared he’d ever been. Usually he had control, usually he knew what he was doing. He chose to go up that ladder, he chose to run into burning buildings, he chose to tempt fate. But right now he was in a huge metal coffin falling from 12,510 metres towards the Atlantic ocean, and he had no control whatsoever.
He pulled his phone out and opened the group chat he had with Hen, Eddie, Chimney, Bobby and Athena, “plane going down im sorry i love you” and hit send.
Bookmarked by caitlinade
06 May 2025
-
there are worse ways to stay alive (and better ways to live) by evenatraitormaymend
Fandoms: 9-1-1 (TV)
06 Jul 2024
Tags
Summary
Buck is tired of fighting for it to get better. He’s tired of waiting. He’s tired of putting in so much fucking work to be someone real, to be happy, and he’s fought through so much worse.
He’s tired of always climbing the mountain of healing and dropping back down. Like his line has been cut. Time and time again.
It never gets better. He always ends up back here. After Abby, in the days between Maddie being taken and Doug dying and Chimney getting stabbed, after the ladder truck crushed his leg, after saving Christopher, in the midst of the lawsuit, after when he felt eaten alive by guilt, after Eddie—
It just hurts. It hurts so, so much, and he’s tired.
He’s tired of fighting it.
—
Buck spirals and thinks about suicide for the first time in a few years. Eddie is there to catch him when he wants to fall.
Bookmarked by caitlinade
01 May 2025
-
Tags
Summary
He knew that something else had been brewing under the surface. He could feel it in the way that the happiness and joy he felt from seeing Christopher do well in school or play with his friends was muted; the way the idea of getting better -truly, fully better- felt like nothing more than a hazy, unreachable goal. He knew it in the way that sometimes, when he was driving somewhere by himself, the intrusive thought of turning into oncoming traffic kind of felt less and less intrusive.
-
also known as the Eddie suicide attempt fic. Explores Eddie's spiraling mental health and the reality of being suicidal.Series
- Part 1 of the sun will rise
Bookmarked by caitlinade
18 Apr 2025