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“What were you thinking, Yosuke? You could have gotten killed! You know Jiraiya hasn’t been behaving! You know we all agreed never to go off by ourselves! If something had happened-”
Yosuke stared at Souji, who was as white as a sheet and so angry that his hands were shaking. Normally, he would have immediately felt contrite, especially at seeing how upset Souji was - and he was right, they had all agreed never to go off by themselves. But things had not been good between the two lately, and Yosuke’s concern was eclipsed by his anger. That afternoon, Souji had skipped over the brunette when picking his group - although after Jiraiya had messed up the previous day, he’d expected it - and they’d fought about the mistake after it had happened the day before. They’d been fighting so much, so much, lately, and while they’d given each other cursory apologies over text, it was clear that things were still Bad between them.
The worst part was that Yosuke didn’t know why. For at least the last month, Jiraiya had been getting more and more erratic, and Yosuke had been having more and more trouble controlling him. It was actually worse when he wasn’t with Souji - whatever that meant - but that wasn’t something he was willing to admit for fear that he’d be left behind altogether. He didn’t know why Jiraiya was misbehaving, he didn’t know why they were fighting, and he hated it. Souji was best friend, his partner, but recently…
“Former partner, former best friend,” his heart whispered treacherously, and he winced. No! I don’t believe it’s over! We still have those moments, still enjoy each other’s company. I just don’t know why this is happening!
To be fair, deep down, he didn’t think Souji hated him. There were still flashes between them, still times that they instinctively moved together, whether at school or in battle. Times when they caught each other’s eye and exchanged wordless glances that needed no cipher. It was so frustrating! All he wanted was to go back to the time when they were partners without a care. I just want my best friend back!
It didn’t help that Nanako was the latest kidnapping victim; everyone in the group was distraught, and Souji was devastated. Yosuke felt almost as shitty; he’d grown close to the little girl in the time that he’d gotten to know Souji, and she was an absolute darling whom he loved almost as much as he’d have loved his own little sister, had he had one. If things had been right, he and Souji would have been inseparable, and he would have been able to glean some comfort from the nearness of his partner while providing comfort himself…
...but Souji was suffering alone, he was angry with Yosuke, and nothing was going right.
Suddenly, Yosuke’s anger flared, and he couldn’t handle it any more. He hadn’t been able to sit by and wait while Souji charged off into who-knows-what kind of danger, while Nanako was missing, and not do something. And he hadn’t even run into any issues! There had been three shadows between him and the stairs to the next floor - which Souji and his team had spent almost an hour looking for to no avail - and he’d handled them. He’d handled them! He hadn’t even needed to call out Jiraiya.
Clenching his fists, he glared at their leader. “What the hell, Souji! I don’t know what crawled up your ass and died, but you’ve been an asshole lately, you know that? Yeah, I know that I’m having trouble with Jiraiya! Do you think I’m an idiot? If I’d run into anything I couldn’t handle, I would have come straight back! And once upon a time, you would have known that. You would have trusted me! But now you treat me like I’m not even part of the group, you act like you hate me, I can’t-”
Souji winced, but he didn’t say anything, and Yosuke was so overwhelmed by his emotions that he couldn’t handle it anymore; his own hands shaking, he whirled on his heel and charged out, Teddie rushing to join him so that he didn’t get lost in the fog. He could tell that everyone else was feeling uncomfortable, but right now, he didn’t care; he heard them all hurrying behind him, heard the murmur of Rise’s voice - probably trying to comfort Souji, something that just made everything sting worse because the idol had a crush on Souji and Yosuke constantly felt like he was competing for his friend’s attention - but he just jammed his headphones onto his ears and hurried home.
Souji was numb. It wasn’t enough that Nanako was missing, had been kidnapped - it was all his fault! - and he didn’t know how much time he had to save her; no, now he and Yosuke were also having problems, had been having problems for weeks. Now instead of having his best friend and partner for support in what was probably the worst week of his life, he was alone.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this!
He couldn’t really pinpoint when it had all started. In the beginning, he was just amazed that somebody as cool as Yosuke wanted to be friends, wanted to spend so much time together. As they got closer, though, there were random strange, awkward moments where one or the other would get frustrated and snap for no reason. Then their personas started to act up - Yosuke couldn’t control Jiraiya half the time, and Izanagi could barely manage a zio on the best days. To tell the truth, that was probably one of the biggest reasons they’d started snapping at each other.
Now, with Nanako gone… he couldn’t sit out, not with his little sister’s life on the line; he’d suggested it in a fit of depression, but he’d been met with resounding refusal. He knew that it made him the bad guy in this whole situation, but… was it unfair that he wanted the group on the front lines to be as strong as it could be? He’d gone in on the first day with Yosuke, and it had almost ended in disaster. Jiraiya had missed the enemies, had attacked Izanagi - who was weak to wind - and if it hadn’t been for a lucky hit on Chie’s part, they might have all died.
But is it Yosuke’s fault that Jiraiya is having issues? Souji remembered how many nights the brunette had sat patiently by the table, watching Loveline with Nanako, or had held her up so that she could get things off shelves at Junes, or had helped her with her homework while Souji cooked; she might be the light of Souji’s life, but Yosuke loved her too. He’s probably just as worried about her, of course he didn’t want to stay behind… His heart squeezed, and he had to suck in a sudden, sharp breath to keep himself composed. He’s been there for me from the beginning… but we can’t seem to sort ourselves out, figure out what’s going on.
There was no easy answer, but it didn’t stop Souji from curling up on the floor, wracked by guilt. All he did any more was sit in the living room and stare at the silent TV - he couldn’t bear to watch the shows Nanako had loved, and he was terrified of missing a Midnight Channel. And now, his thoughts oscillated between his sister and his partner, and he found no comfort in either.
Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried to force back the tears that kept threatening to spill; because his eyes were closed he didn’t see the TV flare, and it wasn’t until a black-sleeved arm shot out, grabbing his wrist, that he realised that anything was wrong. Gasping, his eyes flew open and he started to struggle, but to no avail; the hand gripping him was so much stronger than he was that he didn’t have a chance.
As soon as Yosuke got home, he ran upstairs, slamming his door. He didn’t want to deal with anybody, especially not Teddie, not right now; at least Teddie had his own room now, although Yosuke was feeling too sad, too lonely, too hurt to feel grateful at the moment.
He picked up his DS, but none of the games appealed to him; in a fit of pique, he turned and threw it at his dirty clothes pile, although he made sure that it wasn’t going to actually get damaged, first (he’d saved up for months to buy it, after all.) He wasn’t interested in any of the magazines he had, experience told him there wouldn’t be anything on TV at this time of the evening (he had to ignore the little girl’s voice in his head telling him, excitedly, that it was time for Loveline!) and he didn’t want to play his guitar. Music seemed like his only option, so he rolled over to reach for the stack of new CDs he hadn’t uploaded to his mp3 player yet; as he did, the TV flared to life, and he froze.
What the hell? It’s not the Midnight Channel, it can’t be, it’s not late enough, what’s going… on…
The signal was weak, but his stomach sank as a familiar room appeared, filled top-to-bottom with liquor barrels. He was just about to turn away, convinced that this was all a bad dream when he heard snatches of a voice that was chillingly familiar but at the same time not; suddenly, the picture sharpened enough for him to make out two figures on the screen, and he slapped a hand over his mouth.
One of the figures was Souji, gagged and bound to a column in the liquor store; the other was something that should not exist, Souji’s doppleganger, standing over him. It was the shadow’s voice Yosuke had heard that was both right and not right; the few words he could hear sounded like Souji, but they also sounded echoing and robotic, and he immediately thought about Izanagi. He strained his ears to listen, but all he could hear were snatches; knowing how shadows worked, however, the few words he did hear - “Nanako,” “worthless,” “dead,” and “weak” - just made his blood boil.
Souji shouldn’t be dealing with this alone!
Even angry, Yosuke had a heart of gold, and he cared for Souji, dammit. This was beyond petty fights and squabbles, his partner was in danger, and there was no way he was going to just leave him there alone. Maybe it was stupid, maybe he should have gotten Teddie, or called Chie or Naoto, but he didn’t think about that; he was too worried for Souji. He grabbed his kunai and ran out of the house, heading straight for Junes, straight for the TV, and then straight for the liquor store. After all, it wasn’t like he could ever forget where it was.
It was just as dark and depressing as he’d remembered. When he stepped inside, he couldn’t miss seeing Souji; there was a strip of tape across the silver-haired boy’s mouth, he was still wearing his uniform, sans jacket, and he was bound to a large support column with his arms tied behind him and his feet - no shoes, Yosuke noticed briefly - bound at the ankles. Just then, Souji looked up, a flash of surprise (and of relief) flickering across his face; before Yosuke could even get a hand on his kunai, however - he was wary of summoning Jiraiya, not with how erratic he'd been, not in this place - Izanagi, still in shadow form, appeared behind the brunette. Yosuke had no chance; within seconds he found his arms twisted behind his back even as he struggled, shouting, “Let me go! Let Souji go!”
He couldn’t see the shadow, but he felt a pair of lips against his ear, the breath distractingly warm. "Oh look, Yosuke's here to save the day. 'Let Souji go?' Who do you think is the reason we're here to begin with? Dear Partner never had a shadow to contend with before, you know." In front of them, Souji's eyes widened a little as he struggled in his bindings, mumbling into the tape across his lips; Yosuke could just make out the word “Nanako.”
But then there was another chillingly familiar laugh and Jiraiya, also in doppleganger form, stepped out next to Souji, and smirked. "Nanako? Ohhh, no, we're not going to let you lie again, not here. This started weeks before Nanako, if not months, you know as well as I do - and so do you." He looked at Yosuke. “Shit. We’ve been trying to let you two know that things were wrong for ages and all you did was bottle shit up further and completely stop talking to each other. What a fucking mess!”
“After all,” Izanagi's voice purred in Yosuke’s ear. It sounded so much like Souji’s voice that it made him shudder even as he refused to let himself understand why he was having that reaction. “You were the two that decided that it would be better to stop talking completely rather than figure out what was going wrong, and where has that gotten you? He’s weak and pathetic-” Izanagi gestured at Souji “-and you can’t even control your persona. And for what? Because you’re too chickenshit to talk things out. In fact, the first thing you did was assume it was our faults, even though you know that we’re a part of you! Why do you think we’ve been having problems?” If he said this with a sharper tone, and if his eyes were narrowed as he looked at the other shadow when he said this, no one (except possibly Jiraiya) noticed. “That’s why we’ve taken things into our own hands.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about-” That was Yosuke’s next mistake, having forgotten that the shadows were just going to take everything he said and run with it.
“Oh, you don’t, do you? Then let me show you.” Jiraiya ran a hand down Souji’s side, but as soon as he did, Yosuke squeezed his eyes shut - it was too hard to concentrate, seeing Souji like that in front of him; he tried to exert some sort of control over Jiraiya, to call him back… but although Jiraiya looked startled for a moment, wincing as if he’d gotten a sudden headache, it didn’t work, and the brunette found his stomach sinking. The shadow recovered far too quickly, smirking at his host and shaking his head before starting to kiss Souji’s neck; Souji made a noise that they couldn’t quite hear through the tape, and Jiraiya’s smirk curved into a grin.
“I think it would be really interesting to hear you right now.” He tore off the tape, eliciting a yelp from Souji, but instead of whatever noise he’d been making Souji gasped and started to protest.
“Stop it! Let Yosuke go, let me go, don’t touch me, you’re not-” and he stops, his eyes widening, and Izanagi - who’d stepped into Yosuke’s line of sight, although he still held the brunette’s hands in an iron grip - just grinned.
“Not who? Go ahead, continue that statement.”
Souji, eyes still wide, shook his head, and Jiraiya ‘tsk’d’. “Well I’ll just have to keep going, then.” He started to kiss Souji’s neck again, sucking on it, and Souji moaned and oh god the sound went straight through Yosuke, who found that he was not completely blind to what that meant, nor to what it meant that at the moment he was so jealous that he was willing to attack his own shadow with his bare hands to make him stop touching Souji like that.
Before he could finish deciphering his thoughts, Izanagi shifted; Yosuke still found himself unable to move, but now his partner’s shadow had a hand free, and he ran his thumb across Yosuke’s lower lip, an action that made Yosuke tense to avoid giving anything away. Izanagi smirked.
“Oh look at you, look at the effect this is having on you. Why are you still trying to fight this? Don’t you see how Souji is enjoying it? Don’t tell me your mind isn’t reeling with the thoughts about how it would feel to have him do this-” he kissed Yosuke’s neck, making the brunette whimper “-or this” here, he ran his hand up Yosuke’s thigh, which almost completely short-circuited the brunette’s brain (after all, when Izanagi wasn’t looking at him Yosuke couldn’t tell the difference between host and shadow, and what if it was Souji, and oh god he shouldn’t be thinking that about his best friend). He whimpered again, this time loudly, and Souji’s head shot up. The silver-haired boy’s eyes widened, and they stared at each other; Yosuke was just trying to decipher Souji’s expression when Izanagi blocked his view with a smirk.
“See how easy this is? You’re enjoying yourself so much, and I’m not even Souji. All I have to do is close my eyes-” The shadow did this, and somehow it was hard to believe it wasn’t Souji standing there, and the brunette found his mouth going dry as Souji - no! Izanagi! - leaned in, and then he kissed Yosuke. For a split second he couldn’t move, but no matter what it looked like, he knew it wasn’t Souji.
I want Souji, not Souji’s shadow!
At that, the pieces fell into place, so easy, so simple, as if Yosuke hadn’t just spent the last two months in love with Souji without knowing it, so easy that he would have laughed, breathlessly, had he not been at the mercy of Souji’s shadow.
That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to do something about it.
Taking a deep breath, he wrenched himself out of Izanagi’s grasp, shoving the shadow away, hard enough to knock him back onto the floor. Grabbing his kunai, he shouted at Jiraiya.
“Get your hands off him, he’s mine!”
Apart from the initial period of angst and self-hatred he'd felt upon first listening to Izanagi’s taunts, Souji had been spending most of his time as a captive analysing why his shadow had decided to show up. He was a logical boy, he knew it had something to do with his and Yosuke’s recent arguments - a fact that was played out when he saw Yosuke show up sooner rather than later, looking pissed off and anxious.
The leap his heart gave at the sight of his best friend, his partner, didn’t escape him; the little voice in the back of his head that rejoiced that Yosuke cared, he’d come for Souji, come to rescue him was almost enough to silence the uncertainty from the last few weeks. Then, when Jiraiya appeared - still in shadow form, like Izanagi - Souji started to realise that there was something far deeper beneath the partners’ bickering.
It wasn’t until the brunette shadow touched him, however, that alarm bells started to go off in his mind; he knew that he shouldn’t be reacting in the way that he was - breathless and aroused - and it only got worse when the shadow started to kiss his neck. That elicited a moan he’d never expected - no matter how hard he tried to fight it - and it was when he found the words “you’re not-” tumbling out of his mouth and he realised that the following name was Yosuke that all of the clues lined up. Eyes widening, he clamped his mouth shut, refusing to answer even when goaded by the shadows.
I’m in love with Yosuke. I’ve been in love with Yosuke since the beginning, and I’ve been getting snappy with him because I’m jealous, because I’m lonely, because I want him and don’t have him.
His line of thinking was cut short, however, when he heard Yosuke moan; his head snapped up and he looked at the brunette, and when he did, he realised that Izanagi was doing to Yosuke what Jiraiya had been doing to him - and he also realised that Yosuke seemed to be having the same reaction.
Don’t tell me-!
He found himself feeling irrationally angry as Izanagi moved in, whispering something in Yosuke’s ear; when Izanagi kissed the brunette, Souji could have cheerfully strangled his shadow with his own hands, if only he hadn’t been restrained. No, I don’t want this, I don’t want Izanagi to touch him, I want him to be mine, and-
Just as he thought this, Yosuke tore himself out of the shadow’s grasp, shoved him to the ground, and ran forward, his hands on his kunai. He was shouting something, and at first it didn’t register, but then Souji realised what Yosuke was yelling.
“Get your hands off him, he’s mine!”
Oh, the reaction those words had on the silver-haired boy! Instinctively gasping, his eyes widened again as he stared at the brunette, who’d run over and started to untie his hands. He knew there was a look of longing, a look of hope on his face, along with a blush and a bashful smile, and he didn’t care.
Yosuke said I’m his!
As his hands fell free, he threw his arms around the brunette’s neck, half-crying.
“Oh Yosuke I’m so sorry I yelled at you I was just so scared you’d get hurt, I’ve missed you so much so much!”
It was clear that Souji wanted to say more, but his arms were trembling, his whole body was trembling, and Yosuke knew that they both needed time to process everything. Things were still muddled with Nanako, Souji had just been kidnapped by his own shadow, and he needed someone to care for him. This wasn’t where the brunette would have wanted to confess anyway, so he just “Shh’d” Souji, tightening his arms around his partner until the silver-haired boy stopped shaking. Once they were both calmer, Yosuke slipped his jacket around Souji’s shoulders.
“I’m sorry too, partner. C’mon, let’s get you home, you need to rest, you probably need to eat something, don’t you?”
Souji gave him a tiny, half-grateful, half-bashful, smile; it was enough to convince Yosuke that he wasn’t imagining things, and he felt his heart squeeze at the sight. It was all he could do to keep from pulling Souji back into his arms, right there - but then he remembered the shadows.
“Stay back!” He pushed Souji gently out of the way, reaching for his kunai; when he whirled around, however, to face Jiraiya - who’d been standing next to Souji - he stopped, dumbfounded. The place was empty, with nothing to show that anyone had ever been there except for themselves.
“I-” He blinked at the same time that Souji gave an exclamation of surprise; as he turned to look at his partner, however, he swore he heard a mocking laugh, although he wasn’t sure if it was in the distance, or in his mind. Shaking his head to clear it, he slowly took his hands off his kunai and turned back to Souji.
“I guess… we settled it to their satisfaction. I’m not going to look a gift encounter in the mouth - let’s get out of here.”
“Yeah, you got it, partner.”
Yosuke insisted on giving Souji a ride home, piggyback; they’d argued about it - although not the same sharp arguments from the past month - and it ended with Yosuke telling him in exasperation not to be an idiot, I’m barely an inch shorter than you and I wasn’t the one who slogged through a floor and a half today and who isn't wearing any shoes. Souji gave in, but he was grateful for the fog that hid them, hid his embarrassment. Souji could feel the warmth through the brunette's shirt, and although he'd never thought of Yosuke as being particularly built, his back felt strong and reassuring, and for the first time since Nanako had been kidnapped Souji allowed himself to feel a tiny sliver of hope and comfort.
At home, Yosuke made Souji take a bath as he dug around for some food, having verified that - as he’d thought - his friend hadn’t been eating. By the time Souji came back downstairs, hair still damp from his shower, there were two bowls of instant ramen sitting on the kotatsu, and the TV was on some music station so that they didn’t have to worry about the weather or Junes ads or anything else. Yosuke was just about to ask if Souji wanted juice or tea when suddenly, he found a pair of arms wrapped around his waist and a face buried against his back.
“I’m sorry, Yosuke, I- all of this was my fault, if I’d figured out how I felt earlier I could have dealt with this before it became an issue, and I-”
Yosuke gently detached the arms and turned around, but before Souji could look too alarmed he put his hands back on the taller boy’s shoulders. “Souji. It’s not just you, okay? Stop taking everything onto your own shoulders. I’m here to help you, I want to help you bear it. I’m your partner and I- I feel the same way, you know? It’s just as much my fault for not realising it earlier as it is yours. Especially with the assholes - our shadows - acting up like that.”
At the words, “I feel the same way, you know?” Souji closed his eyes for a split second, as if saying a silent prayer, and when he opened them again he had a smile on his face. It was hurt, it was tired, but it was still a smile, and more than Yosuke had seen since Nanako was kidnapped.
“I love you, Yosuke. I need you, now more than ever.”
Even though the brunette had expected the words - to be fair, it wasn’t hard to see where everything was leading since they’d figured themselves out inside the TV - they still sent an impossible thrill of happiness up his spine. “I love you, too,” he said, his voice choked with emotion and breathless, disbelieving laughter. “I always have, even if I was too stupid to see it earlier.” He bumped their foreheads together, Souji's smile became a little more real… and Yosuke leaned in to kiss him.
The world narrowed and they were the only two in it, and they had nothing to think about beyond each other. The brush of lips, the feel of Souji’s arms around Yosuke's waist as he slid his own around his partner’s neck, the kiss deepening - awkwardly, inexperienced, but still wonderful. Souji was his, he was Souji’s, and all of the pain and confusion between them was gone.
Such havens only last a moment, however, and it was too soon before Souji’s hands tightened in his shirt. Pulling back, the brunette saw the expression on his partner’s face shift from joy to anxiety, and he knew instinctively that it wasn’t him, it was Everything Else. Moving a hand to stroke Souji’s hair, he nodded.
“I know, partner. But we’re together, and I’ll bet everything I have that Izanagi and Jiraiya are back, too. Nothing’s gonna stop us, we’re gonna go in and kick Nametame’s ass, and then Nanako will be home and everything will be fine, and we’ll still be together, so it’ll be even better.”
“Oh, Yosuke… thank you…” The words were little more than a whisper, but they were as heartfelt as the brunette could have wanted as Souji buried his face against his shoulder, burrowing into his arms.
“Any time, partner,” he whispered, tightening his arms and resting his chin on Souji’s head. “Always. Forever.”
Meanwhile two figures were watching through the TV. As Souji burrowed into Yosuke’s arms, Jiraiya turned to look at Izanagi; as per usual, he was about to make a smartass comment, but then he saw just how lonely Izanagi looked. A look of surprise crossed his face, and he felt a sharp pang; looking back, he couldn’t stop a flash of jealousy as he saw Yosuke holding Souji tight.
I guess we really are two sides of the same coin.
All of the lost and frustrated feelings he’d been dealing with since the start came rushing back, but he didn’t know how to deal with them; he never had. He was the smartass side, after all, the one who hated everybody and everything. He wasn’t supposed to care, or feel more than frustration, he wasn’t supposed to love. But he did. And he didn’t know how to deal with it, so he did the only thing he knew how to do.
He smirked.
“Well, at least that’s over and done with. Now, maybe they’ll stop being dipshits and get on with things. And that means they’re not going to keep us apart any more.”
And there, finally, there was the look he’d been wanting as Izanagi raised an eyebrow, then gave a little smile. Then the silver-haired shadow was blushing, and that sent Jiraiya’s thoughts reeling, because finally, he was getting the response he’d been looking for since they’d met.
Of course, nothing said he knew what to do with that kind of response.
“I’m sure it had to be hell for you to slum around like that when you could have been hanging out with me. C’mon. Admit it. You needed me around, that’s why you couldn’t even manage a zio when I wasn’t there-”
And that was not the right thing to say. Izanagi’s eyes flashed; he looked offended (and worse, hurt), and that made the brunette shadow feel even worse, and his eyes flickered back to the TV where Souji and Yosuke were curled up under the kotatsu, holding each other, whispering sweet nothings in the quiet space between them. And then Izanagi - who hadn’t said anything, hadn’t needed to, every curve of his body screamed that he was hurt and lonely - turned away, and something told Jiraiya that if he let him go, things would never be right between them. Reaching out, he grabbed Izanagi’s wrist, and the words came tumbling out before he could think about them.
“Because, after all, you’re mine… I don’t want to see you touching Yosuke, I want you to pay attention to me...” He tried to say it with his usual snark, but he couldn’t banish the plaintiveness, nor could he stop his next words. “It sucked when you were ignoring me, I missed you…” and there was a note of uncertainty there, of loneliness, and then Izanagi turned, and they looked at each other.
Suddenly, Jiraiya didn’t feel like being a smartass. He held his breath, and as he did, the hand whose wrist he’d been holding twisted, and then he was being pushed back against the pillar Souji had been tied to. Izanagi loomed over him, an expression in his glowing golden eyes; then the silver-haired shadow was kissing him with an intensity that took his breath away.
They didn’t stop there. Having Izanagi in his arms felt so good, and Jiraiya couldn’t resist giving a sharp nip as he trailed his lips down the soft skin of Izanagi’s neck. Izanagi shuddered - and then mumbled something that made the brunette shadow’s heart skip. “I was ignoring you because they wouldn’t talk things out, yeah, but also because you were being a jerk. And, well... I don’t want you touching Souji again, either, because you’re mine.”
Jiraiya smirked again, but the loneliness was gone and he didn’t care if there was a look of bliss on his face as he stroked Izanagi’s hair. “No shit. I have been since the beginning, dumbass.”