Chapter Text
~Also, I am quite proud/deeply ashamed that I wrote all of this without once glancing at the books or movies.~
Owl: *is conveniently sitting on a sign post telling us where we are (Privet Drive) before it flies off. And explodes.*
Dumbledore: *randomly appears, looking like the films will actually have its magical characters wear the robes we expected them to. Remember those days? Remember when we had hope?*
KITTY!: *is there*
ShieldEcho: It's really depressing that I can remember that he clicked the Deluminator five times without once checking the movie.
Kitty: Meow.
Dumbledore: 'Sup, dawg?
Kitty: *uses a cheap but still freaking awesome shadow effect to transform into Maggie Smith*
McGonagall: I'm a cat, you idiot. So, everyone we know and love dead or worse?
Dumbledore: Pretty much, yeah. And those who aren't are going to be living in unimaginable misery for the next decade or so.
McGonagall: Cool. Speaking of which, where's Harry?
Dumbledore: Hagrid's bringing him.
McGonagall: We're doomed.
Sirius's motorbike: *appears*
Sirius fans: *immediately start drooling and he's not even in the movie*
Hagrid: Piss off, you lot, the bike's mine now, bitches! Oh, an' I brought the wee babeh.
Dumbledore: Sweet. No problems, I trust?
Hagrid: Well, not if yeh count me basically havin' ter kidnap him wha' with Sirius fightin' tooth an' nail fer the boy ter grow up in a place where he'll actually be loved an' where a crapload o' stuff could 'ave been avoided.
Dumbledore: Exactly, who needs that. *takes baby*
McGonagall: Actually, why aren't we giving him to Sirius? I've watched these Muggles all day, they're horrible!
Dumbledore: Aw, come on, they can't be that bad—
McGonagall: I saw the man drowning several kittens in a vat of tequila and then drinking the whole thing. With the bloody corpses of the kittens still in it.
Dumbledore: Still, they're the only family he has—
Obsessive Fandom: Sirius? Remus? Any friends of Lily's who might still be alive?
Dumbledore: Of course not, you fantastical morons, you know that only blood relatives can be counted as family!
Obsessive Fandom: ...Then what about Lily's parents or possible other relatives apart from Tuney? Or anyone on his father's side? Hellooo!?
McGonagall: This boy will be so freaking famous! There won't be a child on the entire planet who hasn't at least heard the general plot! People will be lining up outside bookstores and movie theaters, douchebags will be shouting spoilers out of car windows, creepier fans will do inappropriate things with the action figures – there'll be an entire theme park devoted to this literal child!
Dumbledore: Exactly! Which is why we need to milk this franchise for every knut it can give us! First step: gain a sympathy card with the abusive family backstory!
McGonagall: Ah, so that's the real reason...
Dumbledore: ...YOU HEARD NOTHING! Though this scene also adds fuel to the arguments of those who think I'm nothing more than a manipulative bastard who's trying to do absolutely everything for the Greater Good™, which isn't helped by, y'know, all of Book Seven and even as far back as Crimes of Grindelfuck.
Hagrid: *bawls his eyes out, which every other parody I've read makes fun of despite the fact that Lily and James kind of just died. People always seem to forget that this children's series starts out with a double murder*
Dumbledore: There, there—
Hagrid: *sniffs* Where? Where?
McGonagall: Wait, wait, wait, you're just leaving him here on a doorstep? In November?
Dumbledore: Don't worry, the blankets should keep him warm enough—
McGonagall: And what if he rolls out of them? Furthermore, what if he wakes up? Most babies start to walk by the time they're nine months old – Harry's freaking fifteen months! What if he wakes up and wanders off? Hell, what if someone kidnaps him?
Hagrid: An' I think the book might 'ave mentioned tha' it was gonna rain tonight.
ShieldEcho: I definitely read at least one fic where he does freeze to death. Can't remember which one, though, I haven't read fanfiction that wasn't also satirizing this series in over a decade.
Dumbledore: LIES! ALL LIES! I'm totally making the right choices here!
McGonagall: ...You just dropped him on his head.
Dumbledore: Oh he's fine, I'm sure there will be no ill side effects.
McGonagall: I weep for the future of the wizarding world.
Audience who has watched the Wizarding World™ brand all but dissolve in real time: As do we.
~Harry's scar is apparently a PowerPoint projector. And also looks more like the letter N than a bolt of lightning. Just sayin'.~
Aunt Petunia: And here we are, the Dursleys, a family who will do absolutely everything to be normal! That's why we lock our nephew in a cupboard and spoil our own child rotten with absolutely no attempts to curtail his behavior! That is totally what normal people do! Right? RIGHT!?
Harry: Yes, yes, my eyes are blue; the actor couldn't do contacts and the director didn't want a lot of CGI, just leave it alone.
Dudley: I find the fact that my parents partake in child abuse rather amusing! WHEEEEEE! *runs over Harry with a race car*
Harry: Ow.
Aunt Petunia: Watch me lavish attention on my pour, misunderstood, totally-not-a-bully son while I treat the last link to my sister like a slave! Exactly like a normal person! DON'T QUESITON ME!
Uncle Vernon: FEED ME, SEYMOUR!
Harry: Um...it's Harry.
Uncle Vernon: That's what I said, Bruno!
Harry: …
Dudley: I have more presents than most celebrities have followers on Twitter, and I'm still not satisfied! ME WANT USELESS CRAP THAT I'LL STOP USING TWO DAYS AFTER I GET IT!
Aunt Petunia: Okay, we'll get you a Transformers set and a hamster while we're out today!
Dudley: Yay, more food!
Harry: Must kill family, must kill family...
~Little Daniel Radcliffe's eleven-year-old “Everyone must die” face is still adorable though.~
General audience: Okay, bedroom is a cupboard, he's forced to do the cooking, his uncle says he won't eat for a week if he shows his true nature...so it's definitely a case of psychological abuse and he's clearly being neglected, but we've been conditioned to believe that if there isn't a fuckton of physical abuse then it can't be that bad, so—
Fanfic writers: On it. *immediately write all the fanfics where Harry is beaten horribly and sometimes far worse stuff happens, usually for the sake of drama*
General audience: ...Y'all're fucked up.
~The shit I used to read...And still do in other fandoms, frankly...~
Uncle Vernon: Wow, that turned dark for a second. Maybe attempting to smash this glass with this sack of puppies will liven it up!
Attempt to smash nuclear-weapon-proof glass: *fails*
Dudley: You all suck and I'm leaving.
Harry: For some reason I feel like apologizing on behalf of my idiotic cousin to a creature that I know for a fact can't understand me.
Snake: Yeah I can.
Harry: ...Weren't we speaking Japanese before the Big Edit™?
Snake: Yeah, fuck that weeaboo garbage.
Harry: Fair. So...the fuck do we talk about now?
Snake: BURMA!
Harry: ...What'dyou say Burma for?
Snake: I panicked.
Harry: Oh.
Dudley: Mummy, Dad, Harry's talking to the snake, like all kids probably talk to animals 'cause who doesn't like cooing at ones we think are cute, but in this case the snake is barely moving its head slightly, which must mean it's responding! I must freak out about this! *shoves Harry into a brick wall where he cracks several ribs*
Harry: Ow...
Glass: I'm bored. *vanishes*
Dudley: ...Crap muffins. *falls in*
Snake: *slithers out and looks up at Harry* Thanks bro.
Harry: What the fuck just happened.
Snake: *slithers off singing something from Cats*
Everyone else at the zoo: AAAAHHHH! ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER! RUN AWAY!
Glass: Okay, back now. What'd I miss?
Dudley: You missed the fact that I'm still here, ya douchebag! *starts crying for his mummy. No, really*
Aunt Petunia: Well this doesn't bode well.
Harry: Lol.
Uncle Vernon: Yeeeeaaaah not so much. *glares*
Harry: ...I do believe that I have just soiled myself...
~Can't believe how upset the filmmakers got when Harry Melling lost weight, it's his life, he does not live to just be in Harry Potter, fuck's sake.~
Aunt Petunia: *is attempting to comfort her somehow traumatized son who is now wrapped in a Hello Kitty towel and badly needs a new nappy*
Uncle Vernon: *rips Harry's scalp off*
General audience: ...Okay, maybe they are physically abusing him as well.
Fanfiction writers: WE TOLD YOU!
Harry: The glass got bored from watching this movie for the seventy-seventh time and wandered off for a bit, I swear!
Uncle Vernon: YOU ARE NOT SOME KIND OF CHOSEN HERO FATED TO SAVE OUR ENTIRE WORLD (OR AT LEAST COUNTRY) FROM DEATH AND DESTRUCTION, NOR DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL MAGICAL POWERS!
Harry: ...That was oddly specific—
Uncle Vernon: NO IT WASN'T! *shoves Harry into the book-explained spider-infested cupboard*
Harry: No, the spiders want me to tap dance! I DON'T WANNA TAP DANCE!
~Yeah, that's right, I'm including deleted scenes too!~
Dudley: *is wearing the most hideous school uniform I've ever seen. Maroon and red-orange do not mix. British people are weird*
Aunt Petunia: Our young son looks horrible, but we can't damage his self-esteem by saying that so we'll just continue to flatter him.
Audience: That...actually is what a lot of normal people do. Except for the fact that his self esteem will be shattered anyway once he gets to school and his schoolmates see that outfit—
Uncle Vernon: No they won't, this is the uniform, everyone's required to wear it under pain of death!
ShieldEcho: ...And suddenly I'm really grateful for America's idea of public school dress codes.
Harry: Indeed, I'd rather carve words into the back of my hand than wear that shit.
Aunt Petunia: Actually, you'll be attending Shithole Academy so you can train to be a circus freak since that's all you're good for.
Harry: Right, since that's absolutely great for my self-esteem.
Aunt Petunia: Normal people don't care about their extended family!
ShieldEcho: Wow, so I really am normal, then?
Aunt Petunia: Quiet, you. Now, I'm currently cooking your uniform that'll be made of guitar strings, bits of old elephant skin, and pineapples.
Harry: ...Wait, I'll be training as a circus freak, you said? Don't I have a circus-related dream early on in Book Two?
ShieldEcho: ...Why do I remember stuff like this without even looking at the source materials...?
Aunt Petunia: Iunno. Now go get your plot point.
Harry: *cheerfully* Okay! *starts heading out the kitchen door*
Aunt Petunia: I SAID GO GET IT!
Harry: Uh...I am?
Letter: Hi! I'm here to completely blow your mind and change your life forever, mostly in a good way! Also, since I'm actually addressed to your cupboard, you'd think McGonagall or Dumbledore would know about this so they could possibly save you from...what's the phrase I'm looking for...oh yeah, CHILD ABUSE.
Harry: Hmm, I should probably open you here, away from the uncaring people who despise me with every fiber of their being…Naaah, what's the worst that could happen?
Letter: Sigh.
Uncle Vernon: Oh dear, looks like Marge is eating her dogs again.
Dudley: I'm following my parents' example by refusing you any little bit of happiness! Aren't I such a great son?
Harry: Hey, give it back! It's MINE!
Random seagulls: MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!
Uncle Vernon: Oy vey.
~If I were a magical person, I'd have a barn owl.~
Uncle Vernon: Yay, free food!
Letters: *scream in agony as they are devoured*
Harry: Apparently I get some of Dudley's old toys in the movie. *plays with a sparkly unicorn doll*
Uncle Vernon: Wouldn't it suck if, by nailing up the mail slot, I was also preventing us from receiving any bills? Plus the books say I stay home from work so I can make sure Harry doesn't get his letters, and since this happens for an unknown amount of time in this film, one should assume that I'm no longer employed. Hell, we would probably be homeless if this had kept up for much longer! Of course, this only lasted a good five or six days in the book, but still, generally missing several consecutive days of work for personal reasons is really pushing it, even before the recession started.
~I started collecting little owl statues because of the movies. Of my original seventy-eight, only thirty-four remain.~
Aunt Petunia: Despite the fact I should actually be prepared for events like these, having grown up with a witch and near a wizard who kept telling said witch everything he knew while I spied on them, I'm going to be totally shocked when anything magical happens!
Eggs: *have letters in them, which sprout wings, morph into potatoes, and fly away*
Aunt Petunia: …Okay, that I can justifiably freak out about.
~I do actually forget if that scene comes before or after the previous one, and I'm too lazy to check.~
Uncle Vernon: *burning MORE letters* Your only weapon is flame. Matches, lighters, fire bombs. Get your weapons, outsmart the firefighters, hide from the police, and torch the city to purge this devil. But you must be careful. You cannot burn everything. If you burn the whole city down, there will be no place to live. Thus, the battle is endless. There is no final victory. The only thing you can do is burn, and burn, and burn.
Harry: Way to quote obscure anime no one will recognize.
~It's empty. There's no brain. Did you lose it somewhere?~
Uncle Vernon: Sunday is the day where most businesses are closed or at least open later and absolutely nothing's on TV.
Harry: I can haz biscuit? *puppy eyes*
Uncle Vernon: Ha! Never! No good things for you! No, sir! Not one single, bloody good thing! Not one!
Owls: *are now literally covering the entire country*
Harry: Well. That's different.
Letters: WHEEEEEEE!
Dursleys: AAAAHH! HARMLESS PIECES OF PAPER! WE ARE SCREAMING IN TERROR!
Harry: Well. That's not so different. Oh, right, letters! I should probably just bend down and pick up one of these 942,785 that have landed near my feet, but I think it'd be more productive if I try and leap for the 32 above my head!
Audience: That sounds really dumb—wait, it worked?
Harry: Hey, I got one! I should probably get a couple and hide them so Uncle Vernon won't forcibly take it away…Naaah, that'd be intelligent.
Uncle Vernon: I just told you that you can't have good things! Watch as I grab him, but make no actual move to remove the letter from his grasp! In fact, it kind of just looks like I'm hugging from behind, he could really do whatever he wants.
Dudley: Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?
Aunt Petunia: No, dear, he's pointing out the plot holes in both the movie and the book, like most of the characters will be doing in these parodies.
~Looking back, it seems that it's all I make the characters do.~
House: *is really creepy and weird, why would someone build a shack like that on a random rock? Seriously, what is the point? I'm sure it looks less creepy in the daylight when there's not a storm going on, but it still looks really random and out of place*
Harry: And this is the part where everyone feels sorry for me because of my dirt birthday cake and the fact that I've acknowledged that I'll never be happy.
Dumbledore: SUCCESS!
Dudley's watch: *explodes*
Harry: I wish I could've been raised by a werewolf or something. *eats dirt cake*
The front door: *explodes, taking most of the house with it*
Hagrid: 'SUP, NERDS!
Book readers: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Movie theater: *is suddenly hosting a dance party*
Uncle Vernon: *holding A-K 47* Wouldn't it suck, since I'm clearly afraid for the safety of myself and the part of the family I like, and also the fact that I'm probably quite twitchy right now, if I pulled the trigger?
Hagrid: Yes, indeed it would. Since, despite the fact I'm one of the nicest characters in the entire septology, I'm also kind of huge and can therefore be a might intimidatin'.
Uncle Vernon: Indeed. I seem quite intent on shooting you now, in fact, as you're walking toward me and my wife. It sure is a good thing I don't, huh?
Hagrid: It sure is, Vernon. It sure is. *takes gun…AND EATS IT!*
Aunt Petunia: Wow. Death Note reference. Shocker.
Hagrid: Hey, Harry—Wow, yeh've gotten fat!
Dudley: The fuck is with this fat-shaming horseshit. Also, do I really look adoragable enough to be the main character to you?
Hagrid: Ah, touché. So, Actually Harry, are yeh coming' out or not?
Harry: Remember the part where you're freaking huge and terrifying?
Hagrid: Yer point?
Harry: I think I'll stay here if that's all right with you.
Hagrid: I have cake.
Harry: OMG LIKE REALLY? Wow, you fail at spelling.
Hagrid: Well, I was kicked outta school in me third year—
Harry: You were thirteen, you should know how to read and write by then.
Hagrid: Uh huh. *blows up fireplace*
Harry: Okay, I'm officially freaked out now.
Hagrid: Name's Rubeus Hagrid, I'm the gamekeeper at Hogwarts. Apparently, I'm the Keeper of the Keys as well, but since the only key I'm keepin' is yer Gringotts key, which I'll be immediately givin' ter yeh afterwards, yeh can just ignore tha' bit.
Harry: What's Hogwarts?
Hagrid: At this point in the book, I was explodin' in rage. Wouldn't tha' 'ave been awesome ter see?
Harry: Probably. So…can you get to the line that made ShieldEcho fall in love with the series almost immediately?
Hagrid: They prob'ly could've just read the back cover.
ShieldEcho: Our teacher was reading the first book out loud in fourth grade.
Harry: …You were still being read to in fourth grade?
ShieldEcho: It's America, if this series hadn't published none of us would know how to read.
Hagrid: Okay ANYWAY! *pause for dramatic effect* Yer a wizard, Harry.
Harry: Oh really?
Hagrid: Yeah really! And…actually, except for the Patronus Charm, yeh turn out pretty average.
Harry: I am in complete denial! I'm just Harry—
Hagrid: So shave!
Harry: …No, that's my name.
Hagrid: Oh. But don' weird-ass things suddenly explode for no reason around yeh? 'Cause that's usually the first hint.
Harry: *blank stare*
Hagrid: Oh, sod it. *hands Harry letter*
Harry: I actually understand that most people watching this can read, but I'm going to read the letter out loud anyway, since that's much more dramatic in a film.
Uncle Vernon: Yeah he is so totally not going it's not even funny.
Harry: Wha—you guys knew about this?
Aunt Petunia: Of course we knew, and here is the part where I'm so obviously acting jealous that it couldn't possibly be mistaken for anything else! But Dumbledore said I couldn't go, so now I hate magic with the fiery passion of a thousand suns and wouldn't have minded violently killing you if it weren't for the fact that you actually give the house some protection. Oh, and your parents exploded.
Harry: …Exploded? You told me they crashed their car into a crocodile and were eaten!
Hagrid: Wow, tha' is totally not wha' happened.
Aunt Petunia: What, did you expect us to tell him that his parents were betrayed by his dad's best friend and butchered by a crazy guy who loved torturing and killing people?
Hagrid: ...Exactly!?
Uncle Vernon: We wanna keep him here, since, despite us hating him and would gladly get rid of him at any given opportunity, we are also afraid for our lives and don't want him blowing us up. That's actually kind of understandable, when you think about it, though the child abuse might have been a bit much…
Hagrid: Oh, an' I suppose a great Muggle like yerself's gonna stop him, are yeh?
Harry: Muggle?
Rifftrax: You see, Harry, when a group of people is different, it helps to come up with a funny sounding word, or slur, to describe them.
Harry: Oh. That sounds horribly racist.
Hagrid: It sure is! I love our backwards society! But anyway, yeah, he's goin' or the movie wouldn' really have a plot an' this multi-million dollar franchise would never pay off.
Uncle Vernon: Someone's been hanging around that manipulative old bastard for too long.
Hagrid: OKAY, HE WAS PRETTY BAD WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER AN' SEVERAL DEATHS PROBABLY COULD'VE BEEN AVOIDED LATER, BUT HE'S NOT AS BAD AS FANFICTION MAKES HIM OUT TER BE! Oh, sorry, I thought this was the book fer a second, I'm actually supposed ter talk in a creepy threatenin' whisper. Ah, well.
Dudley: OM NOM NOM!
Hagrid: Heh, payback's a bitch! GO, PINK UMBRELLA OF DOOM!
Dudley: *is now a radioactive ninja cyborg hippo that can interface with electronic devices*
Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon: WE ARE UNDERSTANDABLY PANICKING! *run out of the movie*
Hagrid: Wow, tha' was so freakin' illegal. Don't tell anyone!
Harry: Dude, that's awesome, when will I get to learn stuff like that?
Hagrid: Apparently never, or if it was it'd be hard ter tell since yeh only use the same five spells over an' over again. Anyway, it's been four chapters/twenty minutes, I guess we should get the plot movin' now. Unless yeh don' want ter be a main character, o' course…though yeh really don' have much of a choice, I don' know why I bother askin'.
Harry: Hmm…go with stranger, stay with people who hate me. I guess I'll stay with the people who hate me OF COURSE I'M GOING WITH YOU!
Audience: It's so heartwarming that a large man offers a small boy chocolate and then takes him away from his unwilling guardians to a place far away where he promises that magical things will happen to him while asking to keep his illegal activities a secret—wait, WHAT?
~I still don't get the whole occult/Satan worshipper thing, but this I could see the parents freaking out about.~