Chapter Text
~And so begins the franchise's habit of showing off the WB logo and the creepy Harry Potter title card thing in the clouds before heading down to wherever the movie starts.~
Audience: Wow, every single house is exactly the same. That is somehow one of the creepiest things I've ever seen in my life.
Harry: Hello, lovely viewers! I hit puberty when I'm twelve, apparently! Though it kind of makes sense since I think Dan was nearing thirteen by this point so…yeah.
James and Lily: Hey, we're still the only picture you'll ever look at except for next year!
Harry: O RLY? Check this shit out, I totally have a picture of me, Ron, and Hermione that's not really possible for me to have considering they don't look like this until this film. Really wouldn't have been that hard to just take an existing thing we did in the first film and loop it.
Gallant Trio of Superhuman-ness: Man, don't the Dursleys suck?
Harry: Mm. *singing softly to himself*
Can't believe how cruel they are
And it stings my lightning scar
To know they'll never ever give me what I want…
I know I don't deserve these
Awful rules made by the Dursleys
Here on—
Hedwig: *interrupting*
Ra ra ra-ah-aah
Ru-ma ru-ma-maa
Ga-ga oh-la-laa—
Harry: Would you knock it off, Hedwig, you know I can't let you out, I'm not allowed to use magic outside of school!
Audience: ...You might want to take your own advice in the beginning of the next film. Also, you don't have to, the key's in the lock, just fucking look at it.
Harry: That's beside the point, if Uncle Vernon—
Uncle Vernon: TIMING!
Harry: Oh joy.
~And now I want cake.~
Aunt Petunia: Why am I putting so many cherries onto this cake thing?
Harry: Seriously, it's turning into a fruit cake, no one likes fruit cake.
Uncle Vernon: I'm warning you, if that bloody bird sings that damn song one more time it'll have to go.
Harry: But it's her favorite one! If she could just download another song—
Uncle Vernon: Ha! So it'll start singing “Poker Face” next? No sir, I bloody hate that one.
Harry: It'll be the Glee version!
Uncle Vernon: Fuck this is dated...
Harry: And this is the part where I lament my apparent lack of friends and expect you to care for some reason even though you've never taken an interest in my emotional well being before so why in hell should you start now?
Dudley: Yep, that's pretty dumb of you. *bashes in Harry's shoulder with a sledgehammer*
Uncle Vernon: I should think you'd be a little more grateful that we've supplied you with nothing beyond the most basic of needs for the past eleven years, and I say this as if we've gone beyond and above decent human expectations for doing so.
Dudley: I can haz cherry?
Aunt Petunia: Not now, Ickle-Wickle-Diddy-Diddy-Dum-Dums, it's for when the two minor characters that are so freaking minor that there aren't even any porn fics with them. At the time of this writing over ten years ago, and I really don't feel like checking now, other people'll tell me. Or they won't!
Uncle Vernon: …Right, well, back on topic, they should be arriving whenever Harry is conveniently upstairs. Speaking of, GET OVER HERE. Now, when said incredibly minor characters arrive, Petunia, you will be…?
Aunt Petunia: In the lounge…You'd think I'd have a longer apron on so I don't fuck up my dress, but there you go.
Uncle Vernon: Whatever, and Dudley?
Dudley: I'll be awkwardly and creepily peeking out of the window every three seconds to see if they've arrived yet before opening the door and going, "Hiiiiiiiiiii."
Uncle Vernon: That was the scariest thing I've ever heard. Excellent, that'll keep them on their guard.
All the Dursleys: *spontaneously move together and glare at Harry as one for some reason, can they communicate telepathically or something?*
Uncle Vernon: *creepy stage whisper* And you?
Harry: Oh, just the usual, you know, keep quiet, stay out of sight, wonder why it'll take until next year to try running away...
Uncle Vernon: Too right you will. Oh, and Happy Birthday, by the way, or is that in a couple of days when those freaky friends of yours pick you up in this version? Confusion. But yeah, fair warning, if you screw this up in any way, Imma put several locks on your door, put bars on your window, feed you measly amounts of food through a cat flap, and otherwise keep you locked in your room with no means of escape except to use the bathroom morning and night. HOORAY FOR CHILD ABUSE!
Harry: Wow, that's actually worse than the cupboard, at least then they occasionally let me out and fed me. Still, at least Aunt Petunia isn't swinging frying pans at my head, which, BTW, is kind of attempted murder.
~Oh I'm sure it's fine.~
Harry: Wow, as soon as I hit the landing, the Masons arrived. That really was freaking convenient as hell… *opens door*
Dobby: *is strangling baby gerbils*
Harry: ...The fuck.
Dobby: 'Sup, Harry Potter, sir?
Harry: …*instantly locks and bolts door behind him* The actual fuck are you.
Dobby: Dobby, sir. Dobby the Introduction to JKR's Hilarious Views on Chattel Slavery. Also known as a house-elf.
Harry: Oh good, fun times. Anyway, not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a great time for me to have a house-elf in my bedroom. I'd also really like to ask what the crap a house-elf even is, but I don't think we have the time, really.
Dobby: Dobby understands, which is why Dobby chose the time that would most inconvenience Harry Potter, sir.
Harry: Huh. Well, have a seat so you can foreshadow the plot and stuff.
Dobby: It's really depressing that Dobby is more heavily abused than Harry Potter, sir. Wah-face.
Harry: Kindly shut your fucking face.
Dobby: Look at how mistreated house-elves are, Dobby is appalled at the current state of affairs where we are so looked down upon by wizards that even the offer to sit down shocks Dobby to the core.
Harry: Wow, every wizard you know must suck, have you ever met a decent one?
Dobby: No, I haven't. Wait, why did Dobby just speak in first person? DOBBY IS A BAD ELF! *breaks three of his fingers, wailing in agony*
Harry: Hoo boy, this is gonna be a really morbid section, isn't it.
Masons: WTF?
Uncle Vernon: Oh, don't mind that, it's just the super-strong teleporting android horse with laser eyes.
Rifftrax: Who’s installing our new roof.
Masons: …Wut.
Dobby: Kay done.
Harry: Those fingers won't heal any time soon, will they?
Dobby: Dobby can also use magic, you silly, silly ignorant person. And Dobby can never say anything bad about his family or Dobby will have to do unspeakable things to himself.
Harry: What kind of twisted family do you live with?
Dobby: It's an old pureblood supremacist family that believes that anyone who isn't a pureblood wizard is automatically vastly inferior to them in any way, also known as a metaphor for other bigoted views. Views that will certainly not be adopted by someone who seems to actively write about how bad and wrong it is, one would hope, though Dobby has been wrong before. Harry Potter will soon see how horribly they treat Muggles and Mudbloods, just think of how crappy a house-elf's life with them must be! Dobby would have to feed his own spleen to Master's peacocks if he ever found out Dobby was here! But Dobby had to come. Dobby has to somehow protect Harry Potter by giving him vague warnings and attempting to cause him permanent damage!
Harry: That sounds kinda messed up, but what's the vague warning?
Dobby: Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts! You know, the one place in Britain everyone considers safe despite all of the crazy, dangerous shit that goes down there annually! There is a plot, a plot to make most terrible things happen!
Harry: Okay, then why aren't you telling Dumbledore or someone higher up in the Ministry rather than a twelve-year-old child with little to no known power to do anything substantial?
Dobby: Because Dobby only cares about Harry Potter as a person and wouldn't lose a single night of sleep over other children dying horribly!
Harry: Remind me why anyone likes you. Also give me more details on what the fuck you're talking about.
Dobby: …dfaeitfrardnivesfkn…
Harry: …Or not.
Dobby: BAD DOBBY, BAD DOBBY! *takes out a knife and starts jamming it into his foot over and over again*
Harry: OH DEAR GOD.
Uncle Vernon: So the mother's relieved, she goes, "Well, at least one of the men was trustworthy," and the daughter smiles, and—
Camera: PREPARE FOR AN EXTREME CLOSE UP OF DESTRUCTION AND DEATH!
Harry: Give me the knife! *hears footsteps* Oh son of a fuck nut! *chucks bloody knife and disfigured house-elf into wardrobe*
Uncle Vernon: *comes in* What the devil are you doing up here even though I'm supposedly opposed to all things related to witchcraft so you'd assume that would include Satan as well?
Harry: Iunno. *welding the wardrobe door shut*
Uncle Vernon: You just ruined the punch line about that one nasty joke about the men who had to put glitter on their dicks.
Harry: Sorry. *putting chains across the door Silent Hill 4: The Room style*
Uncle Vernon: *looks at him oddly* One more sound and you'll wish you hadn't survived that fateful night when your parents died. *leaves*
Harry: What delightful people.
Dobby: Good-bye, Mr. Tumnus, sir! Ew, that is one disgusting sock, Dobby hopes he won't have to wear that later…
Harry: Oh, so you were in Narnia this whole time? Damn, you must not have heard me then, now I can't complain about how the Dursleys treat me and how I
have to go back to Hogwarts to see all of my friendly-friends again.
Dobby: Allow Dobby to give himself away by assuming that Harry Potter's friends haven't even been writing to him.
Harry: Well it is summer, who knows what they might be doing. They might all be on holidays or something or have something else going on in their lives that I wouldn't want to interrupt, that's why ShieldEcho never really bothers initiating contact with anyone even now in...in their...thirties...wait.
Dobby: Oh fuck a duck. All right, Dobby admits it, he's been stealing Harry Potter's mail, watching Harry Potter, sir while he sleeps at night, breaking Harry Potter's car so he can't go anywhere or visit his friends in order to "protect" him…
Harry: Okay, no, that is beyond disturbing, you crazy, crazy stalker person. Nothing like that should ever be condoned by anyone ever.
Dobby: …Is Harry Potter finished?
Harry: Eh. Now, observe as I demand my letters back from you that isn't in the least bit intimidating whatsoever.
Dobby: Yeah no.
Harry: Why’d you even bring them with you, anyway?
Dobby: Dobby has no idea. WHEEEEE!
Harry: Oh sure, the Dursleys don't hear this, of course not. Do Muggles just have selective hearing or what?
Dobby: Dobby totally just bashed into a wall, hooray for physical comedy! Oooh, a cake thing.
Harry: Don't even think about it.
Dobby: But Dobby already thought of it, it's kind of a useless expression when you think about it. By the time the person saying it realizes what the other person's thinking, the other person would've already thought it. Snap.
Cake thing: *flies*
Harry: Could you not do that please?
Dobby: Only if Harry Potter never ever returns to the one place that makes his life seem like it's worth living.
Harry: I can't! Hogwarts is my home!
Book readers: Again, doesn't this negate the blood protection?
Dobby: Then Dobby must do it, sir. For Harry Potter's own good. Snap.
Dumbledore: Why am I still living by this rule, seriously.
Uncle Vernon: So this man is taking care of his mother-in-law, and he comes home one night to find her collapsed on the ground. He panics and immediately rushes her to the hospital. The doctors are taking care of her and he's waiting in the waiting room, terrified out of his mind. Finally, the doctor comes out and says, "Well, I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news." The man's like, "Okay, give me the bad news first." The doctor says, "We've saved your mother-in-law, but she's completely numb from the neck down, so from now on, she'll have to use a wheelchair. Also, you'll have to help her use the bathroom for the rest of her life. Not to mention she can't talk anymore, all she can do is make this horrible screeching noise." The man's in shock, finally he asks, "What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm just messing with you, she died!"
Aunt Petunia: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mr. and Mrs. Mason: I don't get it.
Aunt Petunia: …So, Mr. Mason—
Flying cake thing: *is still flying*
Aunt Petunia: Oh crap, um…so, Vernon tells me you're a shitty golfer.
Mr. Mason: *cannot act to save his life, what the crap was with that inflection, it's no wonder this scene was shortened*
Aunt Petunia: Well that sucked. Hey, with this extreme close-up, I actually seem to have the green eyes my sister and nephew are supposed to have! Anyway, that suit is absolutely horrendous, Mrs. Mason, you must tell me where you got it so I can avoid that place for the rest of my life!
Uncle Vernon: There appears to be a flying cake thing headed this way.
Mrs. Mason: *sounds like her line's on a cue card offstage, did these two win a contest or something?*
Mr. Mason: *is looking right at his wife and should be able to see the flying cake thing out of his peripheral vision, but he doesn't 'cause he sucks*
Uncle Vernon: Hey Dudley, did you want to bring anything to this riveting conversation?
Dudley: Indeed. I wish to inform you that I believe that Harry is currently using magic to make the cake thing fly, and it is presently hovering above Mrs. Mason's head. Just sayin'.
Uncle Vernon: I don't know what you're talking about.
Flying cake thing: Splat.
Harry: Well this is going well.
Mr. Mason: I seem to have some purple crap on the sleeve of my jacket thing.
Mrs. Mason: Good for you, I'm completely covered in the crap.
Uncle Vernon: Yeah, our excuse is that our nephew is mentally handicapped and instead of giving him the support he needs we tend to keep him out of sight whenever guests come over. For some reason, this upsets him, can't imagine why.
Harry: Nice one Dobby, now I'll really be in for it.
Dobby: Hey, look on the bright side, at least Harry Potter will not be blamed for Dobby's use of magic in this version!
Harry: Good point, I guess I can deal with that.
Dobby: Kay, bye now! *snap*
Harry: See ya!
Aunt Petunia: *actually makes a pretty decent joke, a pity this and Mrs. Mason's reaction wasn't in the final product, that would've been quite amusing*
~In the Lego game, Vernon put some barbed wire around the drain pipe. It's not in the movie, but I almost think it should've been.~
Uncle Vernon: You'd think our neighbors would question why I'm perched precariously on a ladder, drilling a bright orange grate thing over one of the windows in our house, but you'd be wrong.
Aunt Petunia: THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL.
Harry: Why isn't Mrs. Figg reporting this to Dumbledore? I think there's a distinct possibility that one of us could literally die, and if not me than certainly Hedwig. That's not even counting how physically weak the both of us would be coming out of this, if we got out of it assuming the Weasleys don't show up.
~In the books, Vernon paid some other guy to put up sturdier bars in Harry's window. Shouldn't he have realized what was happening and alerted the proper authorities about the obvious CHILD ABUSE?!~
Audience: Oh-ho-ho, we recognize this music!
Harry: That is an incredibly loud revving noise that appears to have woken me up. But, of course, I'm the only one who woke up, why should they get in trouble with a whole neighborhood of Muggles seeing them in a flying car but when Ron and I go out we're only seen by seven and it's the end of the world. Yeah, that totally makes sense.
Ron: Hiya, Harry! I hit puberty between films too! Isn't it great to be twelve?
Twins: You guys are freaks, we had to wait till we were fourteen, how is that fair?
Harry: Ron! Fred! George!
Rifftrax: Ringo!
Harry: I assume you're here for a quick visit and then you'll be off, right?
Ron: Actually, we're here to rescue you. And I probably wouldn't have used that term if I didn't see the blatantly obvious sign of child abuse preventing you from leaving. Or can you get out through the door to your room?
Harry: Nope, that's locked too. I'm just lucky the Dursleys saw fit to let me keep my trunk and wand with me this time instead of locking it up in some other room, such as where I used to sleep.
Fred and George: Which was where?
Harry: …Never mind.
Ron: You know, if Dumbledore wanted you miserable and unhappy and stuff and if I was only pretending to be your friend so he would pay me, or whatever the usual Manipulative!Dumbledore plotline is, I would probably not care at all that you're suffering at the Dursleys, because he would've told me that you're safest there and not to disturb you. And if I wanted that gold, I would've listened, not gone off to rescue you. Plus, there's no way I could've kept all this from the twins until the beginning of fifth or sixth year, they're my brothers, they'd know I was hiding something! And how am I supposed to be such a great actor if I immediately screw things up when the truth comes to light? None of those fanfic plots make any fucking sense!
Harry: That's nice, can you guys turn for a second so I can change offscreen?
Fred: Why offscreen, the fans are desperate for something!
George: Dude, he apparently just turned twelve, they can wait till he's legal in Equus like everyone else.
Harry: Kay done.
Ron: Wow, that was fast.
Orange grate thing: *breaks off with as much noise as humanly possible, how only the Dursleys woke up and no one else is beyond me, they should've gotten in as much trouble as Harry and Ron did later. Also, why did they bring a grappling hook…?*
Uncle Vernon: ARENLVEWICRLEWYAGRLHFWEIYTARUHJELUG!
Aunt Petunia: That's nice, dear.
Uncle Vernon: POTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!
Harry: Quick, take my trunk! I am legitimately terrified of what my relatives will do to me physically if I were to be caught!
Ron: Oh stop exaggerating.
Harry: Fuck you.
Uncle Vernon: In hindsight, it may not have been such a good idea to install 7,934 locks on this thing.
Dudley: You don't say.
Hedwig: OH GOD WITH THE CLANGING AND THE BANGING!
Uncle Vernon: 'Ello, poppet.
Harry: GET ME OUTTA THIS FUCKING PLACE!
Uncle Vernon: Really hope people don't make me out to have a thing for feet because I grabbed your foot.
Ron: I severely underestimated how messed up your family is.
Harry: It's okay, most people do.
George: Fred, the one adult man is way stronger than three children, so it might be best if you used the strength of the car to give us an edge.
Fred: Right-o! WHEEEEE!
Uncle Vernon: Shit, shit, shit, SHIIIIT! *falls but unfortunately isn't hurt due to the orange grate thing and all the glass from the window mysteriously disappearing*
Dudley: LOL.
Ford Anglia: Let us GTFO.
Ron: By the way, Harry, even though it should've been when Dobby actually visited you instead of apparently the day or so after or four days later in the book, Happy Birthday!
Fred: Um, relevant question that applies to three out of four of us currently within the car…
George: …but our trunks don't really look big enough to hold our brooms, so...
Fred: Bit of a random question, we know.
George: Or it would be if we weren't wondering if Harry left his broom behind or not.
Harry: For all intents and purposes let's just say we leave them at Hogwarts over the summer.
Ron: Yeah, but what about during the fifth film?
Harry: …I got nothing. Don't really think it's explained in the books either, come to think of it…
~It would be kinda weird having a crapload of kids carting broomsticks around in King's Cross every year.~