Chapter Text
~And the WB logo pops in and out of the darkness, and I swear there's a dog barking in the background. Is Padfoot here already?~
Harry: *is clearly using underage magic over the summer*
Book readers: Wait, what? Wha…What? This is, this…what, why? Why, why is he…What?
This scene: *sparks many a "Harry's playing with his wand" joke*
Uncle Vernon: I must make sure my nephew is still asleep, so I think I'll repeatedly open and shut the door and turn the light on and off! No one would ever wake up if I did that all night!
Harry: This book appears to attempt to teach me advanced spellwork that can only be achieved by moving my wand in a certain way. So I think I'll just flick my wand downwards repeatedly and ignore the directions while continuing to break the law and no one notices for some reason.
Title: Hey, this is the only useful bit of this whole scene! Aren't I creepy and mysterious?
Uncle Vernon: You better not be destroying the entire continuity of the books in here!
The next scene with Aunt Marge: *begins, and in all honesty, the movie could've started here, that opening scene was entirely unnecessary and went completely against everything from the books, the first couple of films, and itself later on! What was the point?!*
Alfonso: We have to pad this out! The source material doesn't provide nearly enough information that can be put into the film!
Book readers: YES IT REALLY DOES.
Marauders: *sniff*
ShieldEcho: So, let me do the math here…that was roughly forty-eight seconds that could've been spent on the Marauder backstory, which is basically the plot of this book. Huh, seemed longer than that…a lot longer…And yes, this will be a running gag thing in this parody, get used to it, I'll be adding up all the wasted time at the end.
~We should've know, then, that this movie would have absolutely no respect for canon.~
Aunt Petunia: Harry. Harry! Harry! Listen to me when I actually call you by your name for once! Open the door for the person who's arguably more horrible than we are!
Aunt Marge: *stabs Harry with her Umbrella of Death*
Pam Ferris: These people aren't that extreme, really, it's just that we're looking at them through a particular lens.
Audience: YOUR CHARACTER'S BROTHER LOCKED A SMALL CHILD IN A CUPBOARD FOR TEN YEARS STRAIGHT! HOW IS THAT NOT EXTREME?!
ShieldEcho: Why is that always so downplayed, considering how horrible it is?
Ripper: I am by no means the most loveable dog in this film, but can I still have a hug?
Aunt Petunia: OH GOD WHY.
Harry: Uncle Vernon, is there any way you could give me any chance of happiness in this world by signing this permission form?
Uncle Vernon: *starts walking away without saying anything*
Harry: Sir, listen! Please! A bird gave it to me!
Uncle Vernon: No I will not sign anything that will allow you to sacrifice the souls of innocents to your demonic god!
Harry: It's not that, I swear! This is so I can go down to a village that has a crapload of places that could spell the death of me! Seriously, you don't even want to know about Madam Puddifoot's…
Uncle Vernon: You don't say? Well, if it will mean you die, I suppose I could think about it, but you have to be nice to my sister.
Harry: Oh come on, what'd I ever do to you?
Uncle Vernon: Well, it's more the face that you exist, if you know what I mean.
James: Ha, zing.
Aunt Marge: Oh, you're still the main character, are you?
Harry: Unfortunately.
Aunt Marge: Don't say "unfortunately" in that I'm Obviously A Teenager Now And Therefore Obliged To Be Angsty way. Hold this, Petunia.
Ripper: May I please have some love and affection?
Aunt Petunia: I'm not entirely sure I know what those things are.
Aunt Marge: You're lucky my brother's whipped and my sister-in-law is terrified of Dumbledore. He'd still be kept in a cupboard or drowned immediately if he'd been dumped on my doorstep, Vernon. OMG, MY LOVELY BLOOD-NEPHEW WHO I INSIST ON TREATING LIKE HE'S THREE EVEN THOUGH HE'S THIRTEEN! Ripper, come here and smother him with doggy kisses!
Dudley: *drools* TV…
Uncle Vernon: Get to work, slave!
Harry: Why won't you all just explode into fiery bits of flesh?
~Later, at the dinner that I'm pretty sure Harry never got to eat at…~
Aunt Marge: It probably isn't healthy for me to keep feeding Ripper strange things, but since he's obviously above that freak of nature over there, he deserves to have some degree of food tonight.
Dudley: I need more of a life than ShieldEcho!
Uncle Vernon: All right if I get you absolutely wasted, Marge?
Aunt Marge: Oh, only a little, excellent nosh, Petunia, which I assume is British for food. You! Slave with no meaning to his existence and is absolutely worthless in every way possible! Pick up that plate for me! And a bit more than that, Vernon, I want to get drunk, not buzzed. Usually just fast food for me, what with 79,236,587,593 dogs, it's cheaper that way, and tasty, though admittedly probably life-threatening. MORE, DAMN YOU! That's a boy.
Uncle Vernon: Yes, she even speaks baby-talk to me, I was never able to stop it.
Aunt Marge: Hey, Ripper, wanna try to risk some alcohol poisoning, with it being extremely dangerous for dogs to consume alcohol and everything? Yes you do, oh yes you do…
Harry: And I had wondered why she never married.
Aunt Marge: What are you smirking at?
Harry: I wasn't exactly smirking, more staring blankly.
Aunt Marge: Where did you send the boy again, Vernon?
Uncle Vernon: St. Brutus's. I'm too fucking lazy to come up with anything different.
Aunt Marge: And did they beat you horribly at every opportunity, boy?
Harry: Er…
Uncle Vernon: Ahem.
Harry: Well, no, but we did have to watch Manos: The Hands of Fate and Monster A-Go-Go without the MST3K treatment.
Aunt Marge: Excellent.
Harry: Wow, she bought that? *low whistle*
Aunt Marge: I won't have this namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not horribly torturing people who I perceive deserve it.
Bellatrix: Now here's a woman after my own heart!
Umbridge: I know, right?
JKR: Turns out I agree as well!
Harry: Except no one that any of you have tortured has ever deserved it. Ever.
Bellatrix, Umbridge, and JKR: Details, details...
Aunt Marge: But you mustn't blame yourself for how he turned out, Vernon, even though it was directly due to your method of upbringing that has caused him to be messed up, though not nearly as messed as he should be, all things considering. Now listen closely, this is the part where I insult the boy's family and cause everyone in the fandom to consider me blowing up a good thing. What did the boy's father do, Petunia?
Aunt Petunia: Hell if I know. Actually, JKR did say he had enough money left to him by his parents to not have to work, even to support a newborn evidently, so even though he was kind of fighting in a flippin' war at the time he might well have been technically unemployed, I have no idea.
Aunt Marge: And I automatically assume that unemployed people are drunks! Yay stereotyping!
Harry: I have no basis on which to claim this, but my dad wasn't a drunk!
Aunt Marge's glass: *explodes, shards of glass flying everywhere and cutting into the nerves in her hand, making it so she can't even feel her fingers and it will never work properly again*
Aunt Petunia: Oh no, there's blood all over the table cloth!
Aunt Marge: No need to make a fuss, Petunia, the dogs do that to me all the time, I'm used to it.
Uncle Vernon: Boy, kindly GTFO.
Aunt Marge: Quiet, Vernon, apparently you're more whipped than anyone thought. You, *snap* clean up the blood and all the glass shards, and be sure to do it without gloves so you can cut yourself horribly.
Harry: M'kay.
Aunt Marge: Actually, I've spontaneously decided that it's nothing to do with the father, it's all to do with the mother.
Aunt Petunia: Oh, thank you ever so much for insulting my side of the family.
Aunt Marge: Hey, at least in the book I said no offense and just insulted your sister. You see it all the time with dogs, and making this comparison totally lets me call Lily a bitch without fear of it getting bleeped out.
Harry: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!
Aunt Marge: What's this? Someone gets offended after I insult their mother? You're more of an unnatural freak than I gave you credit for…am I breaking out in hives because I was allergic to something I just ate, I wonder?
ShieldEcho: Am I the only one who finds it a bit odd that her blowing up starts off with a random finger?
Aunt Marge: And suddenly I have about ten more chins. Now is the time to panic about something really weird happening to me.
Uncle Vernon: *at first has an appropriate expression of terror that soon turns into the type of look I get when I don't want to vacuum. His concern for his sister is overwhelming*
Aunt Marge's ass: *is the next thing we see start to expand. Lovely, I'm so glad they included that*
Aunt Marge: Oh noes, my tights are starting to rip and I'm getting small tears in my jacket! Please let that NOT indicate that all my clothes will be ripped apart by this!
Harry: I wonder if my accidental magic extended to most of her clothes staying intact…
Uncle Vernon: *still with the whiny, pouty expression* Aww, I don't wanna have to get up and help my sister, I just wanna stay sitting, finish eating and then possibly beat my freak of a nephew for doing this, I did promise to knock the stuffing out of him in the book…
Aunt Petunia: This does not bode well.
Aunt Marge: Okay, how does only one bead fly off my necklace?
Cuckoo Clock: Wow, awesome aim you got there! I shall now annoy you for the duration of the scene!
Harry: THIS IS MY GRRRR FACE!
Aunt Marge: Apparently I can still talk while I'm like this. Instead of asking what the bloody hell is happening to me, I shall insist that my idiot of a brother do something about it; he is a penised individual, after all, and therefore must be more fit to help me than Petunia or even myself.
Audience: Okay, the buttons on her shirt can stop flying off any time now…
Ripper: I haven't done anything yet—Oh hey, the person who's practically my brother-in-law just stood up! I think I'll chomp on his leg for no reason whatsoever!
Aunt Marge: And now I'm floating. Exactly how is the boy making me expand like this, anyway, is he mentally filling me with helium or did he partially transfigure me into a massive balloon or something? OH NOES MY NECKLACE!
Dudley: TeeeeeeeeeeeeVeeeeeeeeee…Wha, there are beads in my food, what the hell…WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING AND HOW DID I NOT NOTICE ANYTHING TILL JUST NOW, THE TV'S NOT THAT BIG!
Uncle Vernon: I am more concerned with getting this blasted dog off my leg than I am with helping Marge.
Aunt Petunia: I'll just stand here and watch.
Chair: I NEVER SAW GERMANY!
Button: WHEEEEEEE!
Dudley: Okay, it couldn't have hit me that hard!
Button: WHEEEEEEE!
Dudley: Okay, it couldn't have hit me that hard!
ShieldEcho: That wasn't a mistake, the same thing happened twice.
Ripper: Seriously, why am I so obsessed with chomping on this dude's leg?
Uncle Vernon: Iunno, maybe I accidentally spilled some food there and didn't notice. And in any case, could you please stop?
Ripper: No.
Cuckoo Clock: Yep, still annoying!
Aunt Marge: And I am now on the ceiling. Though I seemed to have stopped expanding now, which is a relief since who knows how much longer my clothes would have held together.
Harry: I think that's because I've only just realized the extent of what I've done and am currently backing away slowly.
Aunt Marge: And now I'm upside-down. Man, my underpants must have one hell of an elastic…Wait, why am I floating out of the greenhouse? What exactly is the point of me floating out of the house? Why can't I stay in it and explode while the boy runs away now, this is annoying and pointless!
Harry: True, where are you going?
Uncle Vernon: I still have a dog attached to my leg for no reason, but I am coming for you, I swear, just hang on!
Aunt Marge: WELL HURRY THE FUCK UP THEN!
Dudley and Aunt Petunia: We'll just continue to stand here and watch!
Uncle Vernon: Got you! And shockingly don't weigh you down whatsoever, this could be potentially problematic…
Aunt Marge: POTENTIALLY PROBLEMATIC? I AM FLYING UP INTO THE SKY, SCREAMING MY HEAD OFF, AND IT'S A GOOD THING NONE OF YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE IN THE LEAST BIT CURIOUS SO NO ONE BOTHERS TO NOTICE ME!
Ripper: Why am I even here?
Uncle Vernon: Okay, this is a bit too high up for me now.
Aunt Marge: Don't you dare!
ShieldEcho: Hey, that line was the only funny thing in this entire scene! Hooray!
Aunt Petunia: I'm entirely useless!
Uncle Vernon: Hey, so am I, all I can do now is call after Marge now.
Aunt Marge: SERIOUSLY, HOW IS NO ONE HEARING ME SCREAMING?
Ripper: I bark at my apparently former master!
Other dog in the yard next door: You're barking? I wanna bark too!
Padfoot: Hey, can I get in on this?
Dudley: Oh no! I can't believe this is happening! My one and only living aunt has just been blown up by Harry's improper usage of magic over the summer holidays, and for some reason she has flown out of our home! Who knows if she will ever be able to come down again, or if she'll just continue to expand until she fully explodes! This is horrible, tragic, I don't know how I'll ever be able to cope, it will take years of therapy for me to recover from this...TeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeVeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…Hey cool, there's still food on my shirt I can eat!
Uncle Vernon: As I continue to shout my sister's name over and over again.
Aunt Petunia: I seem to have given up and settled for waving her off with a napkin.
ShieldEcho: Is it just me, or does this small part here almost feel like it was playing in slow motion?
Harry: I shall choose now to finally move again and get packing, literally! But not before I kick my desk/chest/thing in a rage and sit on my bed all mopey and twitchy.
ShieldEcho: ...I still like “A Window To The Past”, another thing I can't completely let go of...
James and Lily: Hey, we still look far too old to be in our early twenties! Also, cool, you actually have more than one picture of us and they decided to show it off in the film! Seriously, none of the ones in the book are even described, ever, not even of our wedding where the description just lingered on the best man. WTF.
~Either his trunk was mostly packed already and he just unbuttoned his shirt and threw on a jacket, or the Dursleys were out shouting at the sky for longer than we thought.~
Harry: Why am I not dragging Hedwig's cage with me? Hell, is she still even here or did I send her off to the Weasleys like in canon?
Uncle Vernon: I AM UNDERSTANDABLY FREAKING OUT! YOU SOMEHOW BRING HER BACK AND PUT HER RIGHT, BITCH!
Harry: Dude, I don't even know how I did it or how to fix it. And even if I did, I don't think I'd feel like fixing her. So nyah.
Uncle Vernon: I WILL PHYSICALLY ABUSE YOU FOR THIS!
Harry: Not while these are still rated PG, you won't. Also I have a wand.
Uncle Vernon: You're not allowed to use magic outside school!
Harry: Did at the beginning of the film and no one complained, besides every single book reader on the planet. Plus I'm obscenely pissed off right now, so it'd be a bit unwise to cross me at this point, I feel.
Uncle Vernon: Well you're probably expelled, and I'm sure no one would want to take in a freak of nature like you, considering we really don't know exactly how famous or important you are in your own world.
Dudley and Aunt Petunia: And we're still standing uselessly in the background. Is there a point to us being in the film at all?
Harry: Anywhere's better than here.
Book readers: Um, fucking blood protection, how does that work?
~Wow, I actually managed to write this chapter without going into a rant about how much I despise Aunt Marge's Waltz!~