Chapter Text
~Huh, I just noticed that this was the first DVD menu that didn't have Hedwig's theme playing against a montage of movie scenes floating in the clouds.~
WB logo: OH GOD THERE'S A SNAKE INSIDE ME SOMEONE DO SOMETHING.
Audience: We would if you weren't about to crash directly into us. Seriously, what is it with you, you always do this!
Nagini: *slithers out of skull thing*
Book readers: *are instantly reminded of the Dark Mark* …Okay, that was kind of clever.
Nagini: Friendly reminder that I used to be a fucking human instead of just a cool fuck-off snake, 'cause that was a huge revelation we definitely needed to know about.
Statue of the Grim Reaper leaning against a gravestone with a bunch of people's names with the surname Riddle: *is in no way suspicious or foreshadowing anything that's to come*
Grim Reaper: Yo, I'm your usual portrayer of death, a skeleton with a cloak and a badass scythe…so why do I have angel-like wings?
Title card floating in the sky as usual: Hell if we know. Oooooh, look at how the words "and the Goblet of Fire" kind of float into existence under "Harry Potter" and is all bluey and stuff. And Hedwig's theme has become all creepified, isn't that awesome?
Audience: Yay, same old music even though John Williams is gone, this is awesome!
Dark and creepy mansion in the background: *is dark and creepy. And in the background*
House in front of it: *exists*
Window: *lights up…OMINOUSLY*
Movie watchers: Wait, where are Harry and the Dursleys? Don't we have to get our annual dose of child abuse before the whimsy can begin, what was with the snake and the Grim Reaper? Did we come to the right movie?
Book readers: Yep! Don't worry, we thought the exact same thing when the book came out.
Frank Bryce: I have a gas stove…Exactly how late is it, anyway? Is it, like, past midnight or something? ShieldEcho's not British, they can't understand the concept of having tea randomly in the middle of the night, someone please explain it to them—Oooh, shiny.
Window in mansion thingy: *also lights up…ALSO OMINOUSLY*
Frank: Must follow the shiny…after I apparently smack something offscreen…
Keys: WE ARE ALSO SHINY.
Shot of the side of the house: *is intensely important*
Shot of Frank walking up the steps to the door: *is equally important*
Book readers: We're surprised Voldemort didn't have some kind of charms in place to warn him of intruders. It would seem like something he'd do, and yet he needs his snake to tell him…weird…
Frank: That is one dusty, cobwebby clock thing.
Voices: *are coming from upstairs*
Frank: What, someone's actually here? Weird, I just wanted to get at the shiny. Eh, might as well check it out.
ShieldEcho: No one noticed the obviously bright flashlight outside the very open door to the room? Weird.
Voldefetus: Merlin's baggy pant legs, you're hard to please, Wormtail. I mean, you were living in a sewer not two weeks ago! And before that you lived at the freaking Burrow, don't you dare complain about the accommodations!
Audience: Oi, could you speak up a bit? We have absolutely no clue what you're saying without subtitles.
ShieldEcho: I'd like to mention at this time that I totally thought of "Voldefetus" long before that one episode of MuggleCast. Just sayin'.
Frank: …Should probably turn this off now. *turns this off now*
Voldefetus: Oh! Could it be that the task of nursing me has become wearisome for you?
Audience:Eurgh, where's that fucking brain bleach?
Stair: Creak.
Rifftrax: Dargh, why do I always buy the extra-squeaky shoes? They serve no purpose!
Wormtail: Coulda sworn I was amongst those who are terrified of saying your name and only refer to you as "My lord" or "the dark lord," so why am I actually saying "My lord Voldemort" right now? Is it just so the audience knows who you are, 'cause even so, that's kind of annoying and out of character.
Frank: The hell's going on here?
Wormtail: I only meant that I still don't understand why this plan is so needlessly complicated, is all. Especially since you could come back so much sooner if you just used someone else.
Voldefetus: *sounds rather weak and pathetic and not at all threatening, I don't know why Peter's cowering like that…oh, wait, he always does that* Hells no, bitch! We're using the kid and that's that! And I don't care how needlessly complicated you think it is, I want him to be kidnapped in a way that no would really notice his disappearance for some time, okay? WE'RE DOING IT MY WAY AND THAT'S THAT.
Wormtail: My lord, this is going to be freaking impossible.
Barty Crouch Jr.: *leans over onto the screen* Not impossible, just…bit unlikely.
Movie watchers: …Who is he and how did he get there?
Book readers: No, really, how did he get there?
Frank: How did who get there, what the crap is going on?
Crouch Jr.: You're really not looking yourself, old chap, anything bothering you, or…?
Voldefetus: Oh, no, not really, I'm only in the body of a fucking infant!
Crouch Jr.: Yeah, how did that happen, exactly?
Voldefetus: Considering that the process Wormtail had to undergo to get me like this is one of the two things JKR said she might never describe due to her editor nearly vomiting, we can only guess. We may never know.
ShieldEcho: Okay, I have a theory about this whole thing. It will involve a lengthy description of a character in an anime that very few people like anymore, so bear with me. So in this show called Naruto (Yeah, yeah, I know, shut up), there are these demons of unbelievable power roaming around like nobody's business. In order to create human weapons, some of these demons were sealed into certain people, often at a very young age. The titular character is one such example, and his demon was sealed into him the day he was born. There's this other character named Gaara, whose demon was sealed into him when he was still in his mother's womb. The mother died in childbirth. Anyway, I believe something similar may have happened here; Peter, on Voldemort's orders, went out and found a heavily pregnant person and somehow fused whatever was left of Voldemort to the unborn baby, hence his infantile appearance. And the parent probably died horribly in the process, along with their child, in a sense. I mean, it's a fucked-up idea, sure, but I've read more gruesome and fucked up so I feel like we could've eventually been told this back when we still cared.
Voldefetus: Whatever, so you think you can do this shit?
Crouch Jr.: Oh, while we've been chatting away I forgot to tell you! I'm brilliant!
Voldefetus: Cool.
Nagini: I'm in your house, sneaking past your Muggles.
Voldefetus: So, in our second immediately noticeable deviation from the books, the first of course being your presence here, Barty, I actually want you to send up the Dark Mark so we can get this shit on the move and stuff.
Frank: Hooooly shit that's a giant snake.
Nagini: “Yo there's an old dude outside.”
Audience: …Okay, we would have expected actual hissing coming from the snake, at least.
Voldefetus: You're saying there's an old dude outside?
Frank: Shit muffins.
Wormtail: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
Voldefetus: Get the fuck out the way, Wormtail, I wanna zap this guy.
Movie watchers: Wait…Wormtail? I thought his name was Pettigrew…wait a minute, isn't that the name of one of the guys on the Marauder's Map? Why's he calling himself that, did he help make it? Who are the others?
Book readers: Words cannot describe the hatred we feel for the filmmakers right now.
Frank: Um…'Sup. I was just—
Voldefetus: Avada Kedavra!
Frank: Oh balls. *dies*
Whistling tea kettle: *shall whistle to the end of time and annoy everyone on the planet*
Audiences: …Holy crap, an on-screen death in the very first scene. This. Is. AWESOME.
~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~
Harry: OW MY HORCRUX.
Hermione: Harry! Here, let me hold this candle perilously close to your suddenly much longer hair in the hopes that some of the wax will drip onto your face and wake you up!
ShieldEcho: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Movie watchers: The hell is Hermione doing at Privet Drive?
Hermione: HARRY!
Harry: OH MY GOD, NIGHT TROLL! Oh…Oh, uh…'Sup, Hermione?
Hermione: I will have my revenge in due time. You okay? You were kind of thrashing about in your sleep.
Harry: *puts on glasses* That is generally what happens when one has a nightmare, yes. When did you get here and what the hell are you doing in Ron's room?
Hermione: About an hour ago, I wanted to watch Ron while he slept for a bit.
Harry: …Okay, that's not creepy at all…
Hermione: So how long have you been crashing here this time?
Harry: Just the one night, I only got here yesterday.
Movie watchers: Oh so we're skipping the Dursleys? Sweet, no one likes them.
Book readers: Aww, no Dursely/Weasley confrontation? Wah-face.
Parody readers: Wait, no repetitive in-poor-taste child abuse jokes this time? AWESOME!
Hermione: *thankfully puts the candle down before she sets the Burrow on fire two films early* Tee hee, I'm totally touching Ron's hip as I shake him awake.
Ron: Gasp! Madam, you have come upon me at a moment when I am unclothed!
Hermione: Bull poop, you're unfortunately still wearing a tank top. Now get dressed. And don't go back to sleep.
Harry: I'm clearly clutching my scar in pain in the background.
Ron: Odd, you'd think we would've noticed that, considering what happened last time that happened.
Hermione: I'm too busy nagging. Come on, Ron! Your mother wants all of you out of the house so she can move the entire Burrow to a random new location for no adequately explained reason while you're away!
Ron: *rolls eyes* She gone yet?
Harry: Just went down the stairs, yeah.
Ron: Awesome. *instantly goes back to sleep*
Harry: How does he do that? So jealous!
~Take a good look, everyone, that's the last time we'll see the Burrow surrounded by a beautiful green landscape.~
Harry: What are we doing again?
Ron: I forget, too sleepy. Hey Dad, where are we going?
Arthur: Haven't the foggiest! Just don't fall behind or we're abandoning you!
Harry: Comforting.
Amos: WAZZUP.
Arthur: WAZZUP.
Amos:It's about time, son!
Arthur: …The hell you talking about, we appear to be around the same age.
Amos: Iunno, it's too early for this crap anyway.
Arthur: I'll say, if only wizards had discovered coffee.
Book readers: Wasn't Hermione drinking some at Hogwarts in Book Five or something, though?
Arthur: Whatever. Everyone, this is Amos Diggory, one of my colleagues at the Ministry. What happens to him after this particular installment apart from showing up in a wizarding old folks' home in around twenty years is anyone's guess.
Cedric: *falls out of a tree* Ow.
Fred and George: HA HA.
Harry: What were you even doing up there?
Cedric: I'm Batman.
Harry: Of course you are.
Arthur: And this smexy young lad must be Cedric, am I right? *helps him up*
Cedric: Yeppers!
Amos: Tee hee! *claps Cedric on the back, sending him face-first into the ground again*
Cedric: Ow.
Hermione and Ginny: Oh look, we've devolved into mindless fangirls again, how lovely.
Amos: Merlin's elbows! You must be Harry Potter!
Harry: *deadpan* No, I'm the Fat Friar.
Amos: Oh, never mind, then—Hey, wait a minute…
Harry: Just kidding, yeah, I'm Harry Potter.
Amos: Suddenly I'm interested in your existence! Aren't you lucky!
Harry: Huh boy.
~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~
Ron: This ambling through the mundane British countryside carrying nothing but rucksacks is getting kind of annoying, hopefully we won't have to do it again.
Harry and Hermione: I hear that.
Amos: It's just over there!
Ginny: Ooooh, not at all shiny…
Arthur: Shall we?
Amos: Only since it's the reason we came out here in the first place.
Arthur: Touché. Come on, let's not waste any time, we don't want to be late for something that doesn't start till nightfall when we literally have all day to get there.
Movie watchers: …A boot? Have these guys gone off their collective nut or something?
Book readers: This is progressing rather quickly.
Movie watchers: Oh do not tell us that this film centers around that thing.
Harry: Why is everyone so obsessed with that mankey old boot anyway?
Fred: *takes out Pokéball* Mankey? Where?
George: Dude, you already have a Primeape, just breed it with a Ditto.
Fred: I would, but I'm trying to get all the Eevolutions, figured I'd just catch a Mankey the old-fashioned way in the meantime.
George: Oh, okay then. Also the boot's actually a portkey.
Amos: Everyone touch it already, hurry up!
Harry: The fuck's a portkey?
Hermione: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touched it to anywhere on the globe as decided upon by the enchanter.
All Weasleys, Diggorys, and Hermione: Poke.
Amos: On three then. One, two, five!
Cedric: Three, Dad!
Arthur: POKE IT, HARRY!
Harry: …Poke?
Amos: Three!
Everyone: WHEEEEEE WE'RE SUDDENLY A FRISBEE WHEEEEEE!
Lightning: Damn, how am I not zapping anyone, there's like nine of them, they're not exactly a small target!
Harry and Hermione: Okay, I'm terrified out of my mind now.
Amos and Arthur: HAHAHA, we laugh at your fear!
Arthur: Speaking of, we should really let go now.
Hermione: You've got to be fucking kidding me!
Arthur:Nope! So let go already!
Spinning Trio of Dizziness: *are the first to let go and fall into the vortex*
Harry and Hermione: AAAAAAAAHHHH!
Ron: NO DON'T GO TOWARD THE LIGHT!
Winded Trio of That Was My Spine, Ginny, and Twins: *crash into the ground*
Harry: The hell?
Arthur and the Diggorys…interesting band name: We're flyyyyying!
Fred: Oi, we're in the same year at Hogwarts!
George: Yeah, how did you figure out how to fly when we didn't?
Cedric: You just use wires!
Fred and George: Oh.
Arthur: Ha ha, all my kids fail at life, as usual. Hilarious!
Cedric: I, for one, didn't really FIND it to be too amusing. Need a hand?
Harry: Right, you're one of the few Hufflepuffs to actually be useful. Thanks a lot!
Cedric: Don't mention it.
Amos: Hurry up, everyone, no time to catch your breath! Considering we're already here anyway!
Group of General Awesomeness plus Amos: *walk up a hill*
Arthur: Well, kids, welcome to the Quadball World Cup!
Said kids: …This isn't Quadball, this is a bunch of tents.
Arthur: Well, yes, the stadium's actually further on, this is just where we wait for the game to start.
Random juggler: Are these jellyfish I'm throwing around or what?
Arthur: Oi, girls, you and your inferior speed better stick with us big strong men!
Hermione: Now I know where his sons get it from.
Ginny: Tell me about it. I mean, we're trying to look at the whimsy and wonder of the magical world here.
Hermione: I know, outside of Hogwarts I never get to see this, he should really give us a moment!
ShieldEcho: Next time anyone bothers to watch this movie, pause it at about six minutes and twenty-six seconds in; you'll see two unspecified House Elves riding past on a couple of llamas. No kidding. Apparently they're supposed to be Dobby and Winky. What a pathetic way for the filmmakers to go, "No, they were totally there, we just didn't include them as part of the plot even though they're super important. 'Sides, who cares about House Elves anyway?" Though the one in front, which I assume is actually Dobby, looks adorable in a tiny red sweatshirt.
Book readers: Aww, no actual House Elves that we can spot immediately and aren't incorporated into the plot…Which means no SPEW! THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER!
Hermione: You shall all die violently in your sleep.
Harry: Did that guy just use magic to put his tent up? Aren't they supposed to keep that on the down low?
Ron: Nah, the Muggles who run the campsite were cut, we can basically do whatever we want.
Harry: Huh. I'm sure that won't backfire on us in anyway.
Three guys on brooms: Crashing into people is awesome!
Arthur: So is ducking!
Amos: Parting of the ways, I think, old chap!
Book readers: *point at the screen*
Arthur: See you at the match…or more likely at work, it's kind of a big stadium and I don't think you're actually anywhere near us.
Amos: Good point.
Cedric: Later, y'all!
Twins: See you in class, Cedric!
Arthur: And our tent's right there, that's rather convenient.
Fred (I assume): Is what I'm carrying supposed to be a set of Omnioculars?
George (I assume): Interesting design, that.
Arthur: Ah, here we go. *pulls back tent flap thing* Get used to this thing, we'll be seeing a lot of it in Book/Film Seven.
The kids: Oh joy.
Harry: Wait, how the hell…
Fred, George, Ginny, Hermione, Ron and Arthur: *all go in*
Harry: Um…*hesitantly goes in after them* HOLY SHIT BALLS.
Movie watchers: I think Hermione did get a different tent in Film Seven, this one's a lot bigger and far more colorfully decorated. Also armchairs.
Harry: Wha…it's bigger on the inside! And why in the name of Merlin's pubic hair am I still overly impressed by crap like this?
Arthur: Sorry girls, you'll be sharing the tent with us this time. Ron, get out of the kitchen, we're all hungry.
Twins: Why are we still speaking unison?
Arthur: Feet off the table, you two!
Twins: Why, it's not like Mum's here.
Arthur: …All right, but just this once.
Twins: Awesome.
Harry: Don't mind me, I'm just staring around like a complete idiot
~Would it not be the most epic thing ever if the tent was actually a TARDIS?~