Chapter Text
I.
His breaths are heavy, a desperate panting that resonates into the dark night. His lungs scream in pain as his heart pounds against his ears, static filling his head while his body moves by itself, pulling him forward.
Fear.
Fear.
He’s scared. Help. He doesn’t want to die—
Something grabs him by his leg and pulls with an overwhelming force, and he face plants onto the pavement helplessly. He looks back instinctively, body overtaken with adrenaline and searching for a way to escape—
Beautiful—Is the first thought that enters his confused mind. Red and black dance in the air, a stunning mixture that slices through the night flawlessly: Deathly wings made from light framing a black-covered figure that may as well had been death itself.
‘Give up, Nakajima Atsushi. There is no way for you to escape from me. So stay quiet like the prey you are and I won’t hurt you’ Is what he says, but then something pierces right through his feet and a scream is torn from said Atsushi’s throat. ‘…More than necessary’ adds his tormentor, a small smirk pulling at the corner of his thin lips.
(Have you heard about them? They eat people! If you’re bad and don’t listen to what the headmaster says they will appear at night and eat you!—Little Atsushi trembles while listening to the other kid’s stories at the orphanage and promises to be good, even though it seems his existence by itself is a problem.
‘You are lying!’ ‘No, I’m not! They exist! They have killing wings and tails and look just like humans but when they activate their powers, they eyes turn black!!’
‘They are called Ghouls’)
Sweat coats Atsushi’s temples and back at the pain, and pinned like a defeated prey there is absolutely nothing he can do against his captor. He almost wants to chuckle, after all he’s been bad hasn’t he…? Running away from the orphanage.
He gives up and stops struggling.
‘Are you going to eat me…?’ is what he asks. He doesn’t think he can talk his way out of this saying he is not really tasty, not very meaty to be honest… but he can’t deny he’s curious. It’s the first time he’s seen a ghoul, thought for years they were just made up tales by kids.
There’s a soft cough behind him before the black haired ghoul’s voice raises again.
‘Of course not. Do I look like I beast to you?’ he replies angrily, and the grip around his calf tightens to the point of pain. Atsushi groans but doesn’t answer. If he’s honest, he looks like a monster pulled right out of every kid’s nightmare, but at the same time has a dark beauty to him Atsushi finds himself very attracted to in an aesthetic way.
(He doesn’t think the man will appreciate if he says what’s on his mind, so he just shakes his head.)
‘You are coming back with me to the Port Mafia. My name is Akutagawa. And that is all you need to know’ the dark haired man finally says before Atsushi’s vision darkens at the corners and he passes out.
(He hasn’t eaten since he left the orphanage…is his last thought before darkness overtakes him.
He’s so hungry)
**
‘Nakajima, wake up’ Golden colored eyes slowly open and he’s faced with a despair inducing vision.
He’s caged.
Just like an animal, he’s behind bars; sleeping on the floor.
He’s hungry.
‘Akutagawa…?’ he mutters , feeling tired with fatigue and something he supposes is a drug they injected him with.
‘Finally, they were starting to think they had killed you with the sedatives. Good to know you’re still alive , the reward for your head was for you alive after all’
Atsushi blinks, confused.
‘Reward for my head…? Why…?’ he asks. Surely the orphanage is not searching for him that much , right? They don’t have that kind of money anyway….
Right?
(Don’t you dare die on us—stay awake until the next dose you monster—)
Atsushi groans again: his head hurts.
Akutagawa tilts his head , too big eyes staring at him as if he just sprouted another head.
‘Because you are an artificially created ghoul. Why else?’ Is his answer and Atsushi’s world stops from a minute.
Then he starts laughing.
What a joke. He a—?
(Blood on his hands… why is there blood on his—?)
His head pounds stronger. Something cold starts seeping into his bones.
‘It’s…not possible. Ghouls eat people… I’ve never eaten a person before. How could I be alive like that? And I’ve eaten human food… Ghouls can’t eat that food , right? It unsettles their—‘
(He was sure that rice he bought from the conbini was good so why does his stomach hurt so much…? Why is he throwing up after eating that nice looking bread that kind old lady gave him—
Why is he still so hungry…?)
His pupils dilate.
‘No… I’ve never… I don’t have those kind of powers. I’d know. I could have defended myself against you : I…’
‘But you did’
Atsushi frowns. ‘ I didn’t’
‘You did. You tried to kill me…and not just me. I don’t remember hurting your chest, do I?’ Akutagawa says and Atsushi’s frenzied eyes fall onto his shirt.
There’s blood there. Blood he doesn’t remember spilling himself.
His hands start to tremble.
‘And no human should be able to recover that fast from injury’ adds Akutagawa, completely calm and collected.
Atsushi looks at his feet, and the cold dread fills him completely.
There’s no mark from injury, as if Akutagawa had never pierced through his body at all.
He screams, clutching his eye.
(The kids at the orphanage always disappear… but nobody asks what happened to them.
On those days where was him…?
Your existence brings pain to those around you.
Who was really the headmaster…?
So hungry)
Everything happens as if in slow motion: deep pain fills him for a moment before he lunges at Akutagawa, barely held back by the cell imprisoning him.
Kill.
Akutagawa’s smirk widens and is his last memory before he passes out again.
‘Yes, this is who you are. A monster just like us’
**
Hungry.
He startles awake as if waking up from a terrible nightmare, but when his eyes open he’s still lying on the cold floor of his cell.
‘Eat’ Akutagawa’s voice filters through the haze in his mind vaguely , and his eyes drift slowly towards him.
He throws a piece of meat at him as if he really was a trapped exotic pet in captivity.
Atsushi’s mouth waters and he crawls towards it.
So hungry…
He’s about to bite down when he realizes. He’s a ghoul. So this must be…
He crawls away as if burned, trembling. He can’t do it. He can’t. He can’t eat this , he can’t eat humans, even if he is a monster he just can’t!!
Tears spill down his cheeks and he hyperventilates in absolute despair. He can’t breathe.
Why him…?
Akutagawa sighs and with a ‘Suit yourself’ leaves him on his own.
Why is he alive…?
Akutagawa said he was an artificial being. Does that mean he was not born this way...? Where did he start being a ghoul? Why? Was it the reason his parents left him or was it something that happened at the orphanage? Sure the people at the orphanage knew… why didn’t they just kick him out…?
His stomach growls and his head spins.
He passes out again. The next time he wakes up, there’s no meat in sight and his stomach doesn’t bother him anymore.
He’s really a monster: He deserves to die.
**
‘Please kill me’ is what he says the next time Akutagawa visits him. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, hasn’t really seen anybody but Akutagawa in all that time which is strange If the Port Mafia is as big an organization as he’s heard of…
(Is it full of ghouls…? That would explain why they are so feared. Why they are called non-human...)
Akutagawa’s steps stop for a moment before he walks closer, he’s scowling.
‘Don’t be pathetic. Get up, you’re going with me’
Atsushi shakes his head.
‘ Get. Up. Now. We don’t have time.’
That catches Atsushi’s attention, and he ends up standing up. Akutagawa’s kagune breaks the door of the jail while he coughs softly into his hand.
‘Let’s go. We’re leaving’
‘What is happening…?’
‘Shut up and follow me’ Akutagawa grabs his arm and pulls him along, and Atsushi follows dumbly, trying not to stumble and slow their steps.
Everything is a blur until they are outside, moonlight bathing them and ocean breeze wetting their clothes. Akutagawa coughs harder this time and his body is wrecked by the force of it.
‘Are you okay…?’ is what the silver haired one can’t help but ask, to which he receives an angry glare.
‘Shut up, I don’t need your pity. You are coming with me, but I’m not rescuing you. I’m kidnapping you because of your origins. You will help me lure Dazai-san out.’
Atsushi frowns. Frustrated.
‘That doesn’t explain anything.’ He complains and Akutagawa stops and turns to finally face him properly.
‘I don’t owe you any explanations. You said you wanted to die, didn’t you? After you help me lure Dazai-san out I’ll get rid of you. If you stay at the Port mafia, you will be sold and they will pick your body apart to make tons of artificial ghouls like you, maybe you will die, maybe you won’t. But it will be hell. Choose’
Atsushi is speechless.
He makes his decision incredibly fast.
‘ I do not want others to suffer like me… to be deceived like me into thinking they are something they are not just to find out the horrible truth. I’ll go with you if you promise you’ll kill me when we find that person’
Akutagawa nods.
‘Deal. Follow me’
He does, and after what feels like hours they arrive at a small apartment complex. It looks way too normal to be housing someone like Akutagawa, but Atsushi can’t really complain.
Akutagawa shows him around the small apartment with disdain, showing him the small room that would from now on be his; and before Atsushi can ask any questions he closes his room’s door on his face.
This is going to be hard.
Curiosity gets the best of him and he goes to the kitchen. Do ghouls even cook…? So far he’s only eaten raw meat (He shudders at the idea). That’s why he opens the fridge.
Its empty. He sighs in relief. What would he have done if there was a body in there…? The idea is nauseating.
(His stomach growls. Traitor)
But he finds the cupboards filled with tea leaves and coffee grains, and the teapot seems to be the only thing in the kitchen that is constantly used.
Weird. He has to ask Akutagawa about it tomorrow. They are…roommates now , right?
It’s weird, but it’s the first time Atsushi has been free under a roof since he escaped from the orphanage, and he finds himself strangely grateful even if he is supposed to be a prisoner of some sorts here too.
He goes to sleep and that night he dreams of black hair that turns white at the points and ivory skin.
**
He realizes living with Akutagawa is actually not that hard. Most of the time when Atsushi wakes up Akutagawa is not there anymore, having gone off to do his work at the Port mafia (it seems as if they haven’t found out he was the one who took Atsushi away yet). He managed to ask about the coffee and tea deal and Akutagawa had just shaken his head and told him that is the only human ‘food’ Ghouls can manage and to help himself to the coffee if he wanted but to never touch his tea or he would regret it.
He doesn’t want to anger Akutagawa, so he never touches his tea.
His first problem comes when he starts feeling hungry again. It’s been some days since the last time he ate something while still caged back at the Port mafia… and it gets to the point he’s scared he will somehow pass out and wake up having killed and eaten some poor innocent human at the apartment complex or worse; Akutagawa.
So he gathers his courage and tells Akutagawa about it.
Akutagawa blinks at him as if he didn’t understand what he was saying and crosses his arms.
‘Do you expect me to go and hunt for you? Feed you?’ his tone is harsh and Atsushi flinches.
‘Y-Yes…?’ is what he answers, even though he knows it was a rhetorical question.
Akutagawa smirks.
‘I thought you were able to do that perfectly on your own. Haven’t you survived like that through all these years…?’
Atsushi snaps and in a microsecond his hand is pressing against Akutagawa’s throat, pushing him against the wall and trapping him.
‘Shut up. I did not mean that. ‘ He answers, anguish and anger mixing in his voice.
He feels Akutagawa swallow against his fingers and he gasps , letting go of him immediately. ‘S-Sorry… I-‘
‘Don’t touch me again. Next time you pull that on me I will fight back.’ Answers the black haired man, pushing past him. ‘We are going out hunting. I will help you just this once, next time you will do this alone’
Atsushi nods and doesn’t say anything about the fact that, if he decided not to feed himself and Akutagawa refused to do so, he could die without fulfilling his purpose and it would be Akutagawa’s loss. Atsushi is not a manipulative person, and even though he would rather die than prey on innocent people… he’d rather do It himself and choose the person than let Akutagawa go and bring him back whatever he finds available. He shudders at the idea.
He finds out he was right when a few blocks away from their apartment, Akutagawa targets an innocent woman passing by. Atsushi tackles him down before the black haired man can strike and they fall into a heap on the alleyway.
‘What do you think you’re doing?!’ asks Akutagawa absolutely furious and Atsushi shakes his head vehemently, still not wanting to let go of the other and effectively pinning him down against the floor.
(Akutagawa’s body is thin under his dark clothes… he supposes he would be frail if he wasn’t a Ghoul. But Atsushi is a Ghoul too and seems to have the upper hand in body strength)
‘B-But she’s an innocent woman…’ says Atsushi and Akutagawa almost growls at him.
‘Get. Off.me ‘ he spits and Atsushi refuses.
‘Not until you promise me you will not attack her’
‘Then what do you want me to do?! This is absurd.’ Says Akutagawa angrily fighting against the weight on top of him, his canines showing as an angry dog would.
‘J-Just lets find someone else. Okay…?’
(In the end Atsushi ends up attacking an old man sleeping on the street. He supposes he won’t be really missed much and at least didn’t have a very good life ahead of him.
He still cries while he eats. He would…still have a very hard time adapting to this type of living.
Akutagawa just stays deadly silent, and the crimson staining his lips while he eats fills Atsushi with some other strange kind of hunger.
His dreams are plagued with the image of licking it off.)