Chapter Text
I stumble through the door at the end of the day. I nearly trip on the cat and scream at her for no reason other than fear I've harmed her. I lock the door behind me and remember all over again why I've been dreading coming home.
It's too quiet.
Aching pain flares in my chest, and I'm biting back tears. Scotch will stop it...
... edges of things are blurry. It's good. Numb is preferable right now. Fuck dinner. Won't eat it anyway...
Manage to shower. Contemplating how easy it would be to slip and fall. But it's not a neat way of things. I finish another glass between rinses.
I still can't bear to throw your clothes away. Pathetic. But I have your cologne and on days when I can't get numb, I spray your shirts and lay them out. Once I woke with pillows dressed as you.
I burned the pillows and kept your clothes.
The bed's too big now. I don't sleep on it anymore. The couch is too, but it doesn't have as many memories. So I stay there. I drink and stare unseeing at the telly. I want to forget.
But if I forget...
The smile on your lips when I would say something you secretly found amusing...
How you would run your hand through your hair absently. You never realized you did it...
How skilled you were with your hands. In every way...
Your laugh. Infectious. Crystalline. The laugh I fell in love with...
The shape of your glasses, how you would move them to the top of your head when we kissed, how they fogged when you cried and didn't want me to see but I saw anyway...
Your eyes. They crinkled when you laughed, did you know? The perfect shade of hazel that always looked a rich green...
The feel of you against me as you slept. How you relaxed into my arms, sought my heartbeat when you thought I wasn't paying attention. I knew. I always knew...
I keep my gun locked away when I'm home. Because it would be so easy. One little bullet and I could join you. But I don't deserve it. I never deserved you.
There's a hole in my life the exact shape of you. I never knew how much I loved you until you ceased to breathe. Maybe you've forgiven me. Maybe you're watching.
But I hope you're not.