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“We are GOING trick or treating tonight,” Tony said, arms crossed, mouth in a defiant pout.
Coulson sighed. Most of the Avengers had been hit by the de-aging spell, and ever since, it had become considerably less funny that everyone at SHIELD referred to him as the Avengers’ baby-sitter. Thank goodness Bruce had been immune to the spell, probably for Hulk related reasons. Coulson really, really didn’t want to deal with a 9-year-old Hulk. Though Bruce wasn’t much help dealing with the kids – mostly he just plied them with sodas and let Coulson deal with the hyperactivity that followed.
Coulson looked down at Tony then. He could practically see the gears turning: Tony would hack into SHIELD security, get Clint to help them climb over the walls, get Natasha to trick the guards, and use Thor’s and Steve’s still-enhanced strength. In other words, putting themselves and the whole world at risk just to get some candy. Ever since the media had publicized their de-aging mishap, every enemy of the Avengers had been constantly trying to kidnap them, some trying to kill them, a few imagining that they could raise the Avengers to work for them.
The thought of the little Avengers being raised as weapons by some HYDRA agent made Coulson’s blood boil. He had tried to remain uninvested in their child selves, but he couldn’t help it; he was protective of them.
“You can trick or treat at SHIELD,” Coulson said.
The groans he received from the team was a good reply.
“I read our files,” Tony said. Of course 9-year-old Tony had managed to hack into SHIELD computers, Coulson thought. “And Natasha has NEVER been trick or treating. And Clint probably hasn’t either. And Thor didn’t have Halloween at all.”
“I want Halloween!!! I want Halloween!!” little Thor said, jumping up and down. Bruce smiled and patted the boy on the head as the floor shook from Thor’s landings.
“Why didn’t me and Tasha go trick or treating?” Clint asked Tony.
Tony blinked. “Because you were busy. Don’t worry about it.” Coulson sighed in relief – it was starting to seem that Tony had more discretion as a child than as an adult.
“If you let us trick or treat, we promise to follow all the rules,” Natasha told Coulson. “And we’ll stick close to you. It will be good practice in good behavior. And we will all be happy and not cry. But if we can’t go, we’ll probably all cry all night and then run away and that will be much more dangerous than if you just took us trick or treating.” She looked at him expectantly. Her skills weren’t all there yet, but she had already read Coulson pretty well: the two things he was most afraid of were not being able to protect these kids, and dealing with a crying Avenger.
“We are not going to ask for the kind of backup this would require just to get some candy,” Coulson said exasperatedly.
“Mr. Bruce can be backup,” Steve piped up. “Please, Mr. Bruce?” Steve was, by far, the politest child.
“Sure.”
“No!” Clint said, “We want Hulk to take us trick or treating! Please, Bruce? Pleeeeeeeeeeease?”
Soon all the children were whining “Pleeeeeeease.”
Coulson was about to explain that whining would get them nowhere when he noticed that Bruce was starting his rather frightening and painful transformation. Seeing Coulson shoot him a glare, Bruce just shrugged at him.
“You’re just going to spoil them!” Coulson said just as Bruce started turning green.
But soon Bruce wasn’t there.
“HULK GO TRICK OR TREAT!” Hulk bellowed. The children all jumped up and down and cheered.
Coulson looked up at him. It probably wasn’t a good idea to argue.
And, at the very least, they definitely had a deterrent to would-be attackers.
---
Coulson had SHIELD’s costumers from the espionage department come to help. There was no way he was going to try to find costumes that would make these kids happy on the day of Halloween. Not to mention the prospect of finding a costume for the Hulk, who insisted on wearing one.
Steve knew who he wanted to be for Halloween right away. “I want to be a soldier!” he told the designer with a big smile.
“Of course you do,” she said and gave Coulson an amused smile.
Clint had trouble deciding and spent 40 minutes changing his mind. Finally, Natasha said he should go as Robin Hood, and that settled that. The designer quickly altered some green tights for him, which he showed off proudly to the other kids.
Natasha was deciding between being a ballerina and a ninja, and finally said that she wanted to be a ninja ballerina, complete with throwing star tutu.
Thor wanted to dress as a frog. Nobody had the energy to ask why, but they assumed the child with boundless energy wanted yet another excuse to spend all night jumping up and down.
Tony wanted to be Batman, which Coulson secretly found quite amusing. Naturally, SHIELD knew that Batman was Bruce Wayne, and that Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne quite publicly despised each other. Tony also often mocked Batman in the press, leading Coulson to believe that Tony had somehow hacked into Wayne’s computers. But Coulson would never mock a child for thinking that Batman was his favorite superhero. He would have to wait for Tony to be cured before the mocking commenced.
Along the way, Tony had also convinced Hulk to go as a superhero too. Hulk’s favorite superhero was Wonder Woman, and so the designer was tasked with creating enormous blue underwear with white stars, and of course, a tremendous bustier.
“Why Wonder Woman?” Coulson dared to ask him.
“WONDER WOMAN HERO. FIGHTS FOR GOOD. WOULD NEVER PUT UP WITH CRAP FROM MILITARY OR SHIELD.”
Coulson just nodded. It was a true enough analysis. Diana had mostly just laughed at SHIELD’s recruitment attempts. And nobody had been able to capture her.
When they were finally costumed, Coulson rounded them up and laid out the rules.
“First, STAY TOGETHER! Nobody gets apart from the group! Understand?”
The kids and Hulk all nodded.
“Steve, you’re in charge of watching everyone. Tell me if anyone gets out of line.”
Steve nodded dutifully and said, “Yes, sir.”
“Tattletale,” Tony grumbled.
“Second,” Coulson said, “No eating the candy until it has been checked for poison, blades, drugs, magical ingredients, nanotechnology, and any other dangers by SHIELD experts. I mean it!”
There was some minor whining, but at Coulson’s stern look, they all agreed.
“Also,” Coulson said, “Despite the phrase ‘trick or treat,’ there will be absolutely NO tricks of any kind.”
The other kids all looked at Tony.
“Fine,” he mumbled.
“Finally, if someone tries to attack us, all of you will get behind me. No trying to take out the bad guys yourselves!” Coulson said.
“No fair!” Clint said, just as Tony said, “That sucks!”
“Promise, or no trick or treating!”
“We promise,” all of them said.
Coulson sighed again. “Okay, let’s go.”
They all cheered and ran toward the exit.
Coulson wondered if he were getting hazard pay for this. He really should be.
--
Luckily, no supervillains attacked them.
Several civilians fainted when seeing the Hulk, however.
And Clint stealthily ate all his candy as soon as he got it, despite his promise. Coulson didn’t even realize it until Clint suddenly vomited in some perfectly manicured roses right in front of a horrified homeowner. There wasn't anything wrong with candy, luckily -- Clint had just felt sick after eating several pounds of it.
Tony of course used his phone to take out the power of all the homes that didn’t offer treats. Coulson found out when he heard Thor’s loud laugh after Tony had bragged about it to the other kids.
Thor saw some bigger kids smashing pumpkins and assumed it was a normal, friendly earth custom. He soon ran to all the pumpkins on the block and threw them gleefully onto the sidewalk. Coulson explained to him that it was actually a mean thing to do, and Thor had cried and cried until Tony used his phone to ask JARVIS to send new pumpkins to all those homes.
Coulson had not realized that little Tony was in contact with JARVIS. That… was not good news.
When some older kids and the Avengers got to one door at the same time, Coulson and Hulk didn’t particularly worry. They were busy on the lookout for armed agents of HYDRA swooping in. So it was a surprise when the older kids tried to steal the Avengers’ candy.
It was less surprising that Steve and Natasha quickly left the older boys bleeding and bruised on the sidewalk. Coulson had to do some very fast talking to the boys’ parents, even though he secretly wanted to tell them that they had raised bullies and that they should keep their kids at home until they learned how to act.
The very last house they went to took a long time to reach. The light wasn’t on, but for once, Coulson told them they could ring the doorbell anyway.
“Trick or treat!!!” they all yelled.
“What the hell is this, Coulson!?” Fury yelled from the doorway.
“YOU GIVE CANDY,” Hulk said, a bit grumpily.
Fury just glared at Hulk, not about to back down. “I don’t have any candy!”
“Then we get to play a trick on you!” Tony said, but then shrunk away at Fury’s look.
“Coulson?!?” Fury repeated.
“Sir?” Coulson said calmly.
“Explanation!?”
“I just wanted to assure you that the Avengers are enjoying their time as children. I’m sure you have something in the house to give them. After all, sir, it is Halloween.” Coulson gave him a slight smile.
Fury narrowed his eyes. “Fine. I have some apples in the kitchen.”
“Apples! That’s not candy!” Clint said.
“I’ll take Clint’s apple!” Thor said, to which Clint replied, “I didn’t say I didn’t want one!”
Soon, all of the children were running past Fury into his kitchen. Fury and Coulson followed, while Hulk agreed to stand guard outside, since he couldn’t fit into the house.
When they arrived at the kitchen, they were already tossing most of the contents of the refrigerator into their bags. Steve called dibs on the milk, while Natasha quite responsibly offered to take the vegetables. Thor was working his way around the pantry, Clint had climbed to the top of the refrigerator and was tossing magnets around the room, and Tony was trying to sneak an ice cube into Fury’s sock.
Coulson could swear that Fury came close to kicking a child. Luckily, a threat sent Tony running.
Fury sighed and looked at Coulson. “Fine. You win. Medical, Magical, and Science departments work double shifts until this problem gets resolved.”
Coulson just smiled. “I’m so glad you see it that way, sir. Even if they are pretty adorable.”
Fury watched as Steve and Thor started a contest to smash oranges with their feet on Fury’s kitchen floor. “Adorable, my ass.”