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Your dad is always gone. After everything that’s happened, it’s hard for you to blame him. You miss him, a lot of the time you really miss him, but you can take care of yourself. Claus needs him more, now.
It takes two and a half years for you to realize Claus is probably dead.
It’s not a surprise, exactly. It’s also not like you give up hope entirely. It’s more like a sick feeling of dread somewhere deep in the pit of your stomach that rises up every time your father leaves anymore, and it gets worse and worse until you finally. Realize.
He’s gone. He’s gone and he won’t be coming back, and you think even Dad realizes, on some level. It’s not Claus who needs him. It’s something he needs for himself.
You never try to stop him.
You’re not a hero.
Claus would’ve been, you think. But you’ve never thought of yourself as a hero. Even with the thing with those Pigmasks and the Dragos, you were just doing what anyone else would’ve done. Maybe not in the same way, but then again, you were relying on someone else’s strength, too.
So when you leave Tazmily for Club Titiboo, you aren’t setting out to become a hero. You’re just going to find Duster. You don’t know him very well, but from what you heard from that girl, Kumatora, three years ago, he’s strong. He’s a hero.
You aren’t a hero. But if you can help the real heroes, that’s really all you need.
You’ve never thought there was anything wrong with being weak.
You were weak. Claus was strong. That was just the way it was. And Claus was always there for you, until he wasn’t. And you adapted. But you still weren’t strong, and as long as there were strong people in the world, that was okay.
You’re not so sure about that anymore.
When you’d mentioned it to Kumatora, she’d said, “That’s kind of a crappy way of looking at things. If everyone thought like that, no one’d ever try to become strong in the first place! But hey, you saved my ass three years ago. So for what it’s worth, I think you’re pretty strong already.”
You disagree. You’re a weak person. But if you can become stronger, if you can help people like Duster and Kumatora, help people who are weaker than you…
Maybe even someone like you can make a difference.
You could’ve gone home after finding Duster. You didn’t. You’ve decided you’re going to see this through to the end. You don’t know what this Egg of Light is, none of you really do, but you know it’s important.
It’s nice getting to know Kumatora and Duster, though. Kumatora is tough as nails and has really awesome psychic powers, and she’s actually a little scary sometimes. But she’s also really nice. She kind of reminds you of Claus every now and then. It hurts a little, but it’s kinda nice, too. Not that you could ever mix up Kumatora with Claus. She’s really pretty, too, even if she’d argue with you if you said so.
Duster is strange, but he’s really smart and kind, too. If Kumatora reminds you of your brother, Duster reminds you of your dad, kind of. He’s not really fatherly, though. But he’s not like a brother, either. You’ve never had an uncle, but that could be what Duster’s like. A cool, kinda weird, kinda smelly uncle. Kumatora gets on him about hygiene more than she ever has around you, and it’s kind of a valid point, but you actually don’t mind that much. That’s just how Duster is.
And of course you could never forget Boney, but then you’ve known him forever. Your ever faithful canine companion.
Losing one family is slightly more tolerable when you somehow end up with another one.
You’ve always been suspicious at best of the Pigmask Army, Fassad, and their lot, but you never imagined taking them on. You’re just one kid, and even with Kumatora, Duster, and Boney, that’s four of you against a whole army. You’d protect other people who needed it from them if you could, but actually trying to fight the whole organization was on a whole other level. You still think actually bringing the whole thing down is impossible, but when you’re dragged off to Thunder Tower thanks to a misunderstanding and given no other way to go but up, you don’t have a whole lot of choice but to fight. Besides which…it’s the right thing to do. You’re sure of that much. If this tower is responsible for the lightning that’s been falling on your village, someone needs to do something, and even if it’s kind of scary it seems that that someone has to be you.
It’s around now that you start to realize that at some point you’ve stopped thinking of yourself as weak. You’re not sure when that happened.
(You destroy the generator, reach the top, fall. You see the real commander, the one they probably mistook you for, and you feel that same sick feeling again…no, a slightly different one. You don’t have much time to dwell on it, but when you do you reassure yourself that it’s not possible. That can’t be who you think it was.
But a part of you always knows.)
You fall.
That’s not the part you mind. It’s scary, but you don’t have a whole lot of time to be afraid before you pass out.
The dream’s not the problem either. It feels so real. You can almost smell the sunflowers, and you almost, almost touch your mother’s hand.
Waking up’s the part that hurts.
Chosen boy.
The phrase rattles around your head like something in a foreign language, like a phrase you know is important but can’t comprehend. It’s a strange mantle on your shoulders. But, you realize as you pull your first needle, not as heavy a mantle as you might have thought.
The burden of taking down the Pigmask army sits heavier. They have their own chosen one, and when you see the strange Masked Man on the mountain, the sick feeling worsens. But the stakes are higher than ever before, and at this point you don’t really have much choice but to become stronger and rise to the challenge.
Sometimes, you have nightmares.
There’s two of them. You face the Masked Man head on in a fight, and you lose and he kills your friends. Because you weren’t strong enough to protect them. You failed them, and you failed the whole world, and everything is lost.
In the other dream, you beat him, but it ends badly. The grotesque mechanical components you saw on the mountain explode, leaving him barely recognizable…but you recognize him. It’s impossible, but you know who he is.
You’re not sure which dream is worse.
Tanetane Island nearly destroys you.
None of you take the hallucinations well, but they hit you the worst. It’s all in your head, all your doubts and fears and guilt. Because when it all comes down to it…
It’s all your fault. It’s not something you like to think about, but it’s true, isn’t it? You slowed your mother and Claus down when you all could’ve gotten home in time to be safe. You were too afraid to jump into the river when your mom told you to. You didn’t stop Claus, or go with him, and now they’re both dead and you’re still alive, when that’s wrong. If anyone should be dead…
It’s it’s it’s it’s all all all your your your your your fault fault fault fault fault fault fault.
“Everyone’s waiting for you, Lucas,” the illusion of Claus says to you. “Everyone’s waiting to throw rocks at you, spit on you, and make your life hell. Who’s ‘everyone’? Everyone you love.”
It’s what you deserve.
You don’t have much time to recover from the mushrooms before you have to go pull the next needle. But that’s fine. You can do this. You have to do this.
It’s a hard fight, but you and your friends bring down the Barrier Trio. And then he arrives, and you freeze. You know you should get the needle before he can. You know the fate of the world lies on you being the one to pull them, and they’ve gotten two already, same as you.
You weren’t ready for this.
The others give you strange looks, and Kumatora even hisses “Hey!” and tries to shake your shoulder to get your attention.
You can’t move, though.
The electrical shock hits you, and you pass out.
You know your paths will cross again. It’s inevitable, and you know you can’t just choke up again. The fate of the world depends on it. Even so, you aren’t really prepared. You’re more equipped, sure. The Courage Badge from your father, polished to a sparkling Franklin Badge, deflects the electrical shock this time. You can fight, this time; you just aren’t sure you’re up for it.
Your friends have no such problem, and supporting them still comes as naturally as ever. Actually fighting is different. Every time your stick makes impact, images of that dream come to mind, and even though you know, you know, that it’s impossible, you can’t stop the bile from rising in the back of your throat.
Your friends know you well enough to know when something’s up, though. And when they can, during the less frantic moments, they each show their support, in their own way. Duster puts his hand on your shoulder. Kumatora ruffles your hair. Even Boney licks your hand.
You can do this.
The next time is different.
You were right all along. You know who the Masked Man is, and you know what face you’ll find behind his mask. And you’ve come down from the adrenaline from fighting Porky, the anger at hearing him say “His name is Claus? That almost sounds like a person’s name,” at calling him his robot, his slave. Now all you feel is sick, enough that you feel like you can barely stand.
Your friends can’t help you now, either, and you know that reviving them will only cause them to get hurt again.
All you can do is defend and heal. Defend and heal, and say “Claus, it’s me. Lucas. Claus!” The most fighting you can do is fighting back the tears. The closest you come to attacking him is trying to shake him by the shoulders to jog his memory, and all you get from that is a close range blast to the chest.
And then you hear a voice saying your name…not his voice, but you aren’t alone.
Your father takes two PK Love Omegas for you. He was already injured, and now he struggles to stand, fails.
You stand there helplessly as it happens. You walk past him on unsteady feet after the fact, screw your eyes shut as tight as you can, and hit Claus for the first time in your life (when you knew it was him, anyway.)
You hear your mother’s voice scolding you, and you let your stick fall from your hand, eyes stinging with tears. But your brother continues on, unaffected by her pleas, or yours for that matter.
The fight goes on, though, and you start to notice he’s not so unaffected after all. He starts to hesitate as you whisper “Claus, please.” Trembles a little as your mom’s ghost says “You’re our son.” Until his attacks barely hurt anymore and he’s clearly as distraught as you are.
“Claus. Come to your mother. You must be so exhausted.”
Claus removes his mask. Time slows down for a moment, and then it’s over. Claus dies in your arms, and you cry like you’ve never cried before.
“I’m sorry it turned out like this. I’m glad I could be with you just before the end. I’m going…to where Mom is now.”
Your father asks you to forgive your hasty brother. You already have.
You force yourself to your feet, and your father asks if you’re ready to pull the final needle. You aren’t. You couldn’t be.
You do it anyway. Because strength, you've realized, isn’t about not being weak. It’s about letting the moments of weakness come, and pushing past them and doing what needs to be done anyway, not for yourself but for everyone else. And in this moment, everyone is depending on you.
And you’re strong enough to carry their wishes into the new world.